Search Results

There’s Hope! About this page: Ken, as we shall call him, has been used of God in youth ministry, despite being haunted by uncontrollable thoughts praising Satan, by terrifying dreams saying he was dammed, and blasphemous thoughts about the Holy Spirit. “It was as if a demon were sitting on my head, accusing me of every evil in the world 24/7!” he writes, “ . . . I was often depressed and often doubting my salvation.” Ken shares his experiences in the hope that it might encourage others who battle condemning thoughts and dreams. The Testimony I have been so touched and blessed by the help and testimonies on the NetBurst.Net Website. I can’t tell you how healing it is to know that I’m not alone, and that there is victory over these oppressive things some of us believers suffer in the mind! My first experience as a believer was as a child picking up the Bible with a sense of wonder, thinking to myself, “Wow! This is the word of God!” I believe this was a special moment for God, as well for me, to see little me, perhaps six or eight years believing in such a pure way. Around that time I had two powerful dreams featuring Jesus. In the first dream, I saw very vividly Jesus on the cross, paying for my sins. I woke up crying! I cried for a long time over what he went through, though I don’t think at the time I fully understood it. It was very powerful. The second dream came soon after. This time I remember Jesus showing me the whole world covered with fire! He said to me, “I’m holding this back for you!” Wow! I don’t imagine he meant just me, but as I recall this dream now I wonder how much longer he will hold it back, and am I ready? As I grew older I drifted away from God. I read from the New Testament and made little prayers, but that was the whole sum of my walk with God for a long time. Still, I remember being touched by Solomon’s prayer for wisdom. I made the same prayer. I also offered many other prayers, about not growing proud, about God making me truly grateful for salvation, that he would get me through the narrow door no matter what it cost me, that I would never marry the wrong woman, and a few other prayers I can barely remember. To be honest, I see the Lord truly has answered all the prayers that could be fulfilled so far, which is amazing in itself! In my teenage years I grew farther and farther away from my faith until I was even exploring some very New Age ideas and astrology and the like. God hadn’t finished with me, though. In the most unlikely of places I met a Christian who was very heavily into Bible prophecy. He truly inspired me; waking me up to the fact we are in the last days. I was soon praying to God for forgiveness, asking for salvation, but at the same time I wasn’t really repenting of some sins. Still, I believe God was again working with me. I was praying and seeking him again. Not long after this, I attended a big church meeting. I was very impressed by their dedication to God and I soon joined. I lived in a Christian community; even gladly giving up all my wages. I often witnessed on the streets with them. Once we came against Satanists. They were spitting at some of the brothers. Even people praying for us had a brick thrown through their window while they prayed! The day we first left on this witnessing trip a man shouted praise to Satan and threatened to cut throats! It was at this time that I sat with a stranger to share the gospel with him but, instead, he severely messed with my mind. He acted like he knew me. I asked if he knew something about me. He said it [whatever the mysterious thing he seemed to know about me was] would destroy me. This shook me to the core! I had no idea who he was. He asked me why I was with this church and implied it was because I like feeling loved. The man was completely cold and he walked away, saying little after he saw he had shaken me up. With just a few words he left me in tears, shaking and full of fear! He didn’t as much as know my name, and yet it all worked together to break me. I have forgiven him but I believe something very nasty and demonic occurred in our conversation. Soon afterward, against my own will, I started having thoughts praising Satan in my head! It was shocking and horrible but I simply could not stop them coming. I just carried on and ignored them. To be honest, I wasn’t too bothered, as I knew I truly disagreed with those silly thoughts. I also knew God knew that, too. My libido and immaturity threw a wrench in the works. I was extremely sexually frustrated and desperate for a girlfriend. I got in an argument with the house leader over who, and when, I should date, and I lost my patience. I left, asking for time out to think. After leaving this church, I was very vulnerable. I was still dealing with these thoughts, still freaked about the strange guy, and still very sexually frustrated. The night I returned home to my parents after leaving the community, I was really relishing the thought of venting all my frustration through masturbation, but I wanted to do it without sin, so I did it while looking at drawings of girls instead of photos. “This could not possibly be sin,” I told myself, “as the girls are not real. How could I fornicate or commit adultery with a drawing?” At the same time I believe God was trying to show me it was wrong, but I wasn’t sure it was God. As I already had voices in my head praising Satan, why should I listen to any voice in my head? That night I had a terrifying dream in which a black man said to me, “I have damned you to hell.” I woke up in sheer terror, but as I did, I saw like a kaleidoscope of numbers. It was like something from the movie The Matrix, only with many colors. It was very . . . digital. It was more like someone had put a computer in my head than a normal dream. That aside, I was in sheer panic! Who was this man? Was it God? He never said who he was or anything other than judgment. I prayed and prayed, trembling in fear, begging for mercy, asking for another chance, not sure whether this man was from God or the enemy. What was with all the digital stuff? If it was God, why didn’t he say so? The guy in the dream seemed just plain weird to me, but very scary. For the next few months, I woke everyday full of fear and saying repeatedly to God and to myself, “Heaven or hell?” It was unbearable. I was a broken man, but I got on with life. I preached the gospel to all I met. I asked God to give me a dream to nullify the last one, or I would lose my mind. I joined a church. I was still sinning often with porn, but I was just as often grieved by my sin and desperately seeking a wife so I wouldn’t need to burn with passion and sin anymore. One special day, I had my next dream. In this dream, I walked into an empty bar, and God was sitting there. He looked like Morgan Freeman from the movie Bruce Almighty, but I just had this knowing it was God. I walked over and sat next to him. He said to me, “What are you worried about?” I replied, “I’m scared I’m going to hell.” He then picked up some papers next to him. I knew somehow this was my life written down. He held them and looked at me. “You have nothing to worry about.” he said. With that I woke up full of joy! That very same morning I found out my girlfriend was cheating on me with my friend. I didn’t care. I forgave both of them instantly! I was just so relieved to have had that dream! Not long after this, I went on a Christian camp, where I had a half waking vision of men with upside down silver crosses doing some ritual. I wondered if I were some sort of target. Over the next few years I got on with serving God. My bad thoughts grew worse again, but this time they changed. As I was riding my bike, a terrible thought about the Holy Spirit came into my mind against my will. I was shocked, but again I realized it wasn’t my heart. I love God and his Spirit of love, joy and peace! I tried to ignore the thought, but it kept returning. Of course, I wrestled with fears about blaspheming God’s Spirit, but I knew the thoughts were very much against my heart, so I just kept telling God that the thoughts are not my heart, and that I hate them. I knew God knew I was being honest with him. While all this was going on, I started a youth group with a friend at my church. We did well and had many young people come in over the years. I also had some amazing answers to prayer, including my wonderful fiancée! But before she came along, the enemy had a go with a married woman. I was so close to going with her but my faith in God, though a bit weak in some areas, stopped me sleeping with her. God was still there for me. He made a way out, provided me a great apartment, job and fiancée all around the same time! I praise him always for his faithfulness with these things! More recently, things have been more intense. Last year, I redoubled my effort to draw near to God, praying he would make me clean. I made some special fasts and really started to deal with my besetting sins, especially pornography and worldly things that really had no part in my life. As I did this, however, my horrible thoughts grew worse and worse. It was as if a demon were sitting on my head, accusing me of every evil in the world 24/7! I read a very spiritual testimony about a girl who had been shown heaven and hell. It changed me forever, as there were some excellent warnings about sins I had been ignoring and not dealing with. As I was reading this testimony, I saw two bright flashes at the end of my bed! I wasn’t alarmed for some reason. I felt that a spiritual battle was going on around me. And the battle became intense. One morning, I awoke seeing strange digital images again – like it was fake – and a voice saying in my head, “You will never be saved.” I found myself repeatedly crying out to God, because almost every hour of every day I was having thoughts of hopelessness. Some being was telling me such things as, “It’s too late,” or “No hope” – anything to dishearten me. And it worked. I was often depressed and often doubting my salvation. I fought against the voices, sometimes in victory and sometimes in defeat, leaving me in tears and feeling lost. One morning, I awoke with the usual horrible thoughts. When I get these thoughts I normally cry out to God. This time, I fell back to sleep after not bothering to fight but almost accepting the condemnation. Then I had a dream seeing lots of people in white sitting on benches in a park. I was there, too. Jesus was silently walking past all these people. As he walked past me, he spoke to me, but not with his mouth. Instead, I received a concept in my mind, fully formed. He said, “You have a sword and a shield. Use them”. He also said to me, “Don’t think in terms of where you are going in the future. Instead, think, ‘Am I pleasing God in what I’m doing now?’ ” This was so helpful! Just as I was giving up, he told me to fight. He showed me my worry was useless. I’ve never had such good advice. Well, that about brings me to where I am today. The battle never stops. Every day – almost every hour of every waking moment – condemning thoughts come to me, telling me such things as there’s no escape or I am going to hell. Sometimes the thought comes, “It is the devil. He is lying.” You might imagine that latter thought would help. It does a bit, but the condemning thoughts just don’t stop. I have prayed for deliverance many times, but there has been no let up. I guess it is my cross to bear. I remember the apostle’s thorn in the side: God’s power is perfected in weakness. Despite the horror and nastiness of this battle, however, it truly has helped me grow in some important ways. It has accelerated my dealing with my sins, too. I’m quite ruthless now in getting rid of any cause of sin. In the past, I had tried to reason my way out of it. I don’t believe God has ever given up on me, even though sometimes it does feel like it. As a side note, I’m now fairly sure that I have Religious OCD. I’m currently trying, with some degree of success, the inositol remedy mentioned elsewhere on this website (Natural Cures for Anxiety-Related Illnesses). I was always a heavy coffee drinker and apparently too much caffeine can kill inositol, which seems to be an important factor in mental stability. I’m also more often victorious now, knowing that God is both able and willing to forgive me if I repent (1 John 1:9) and that he will never leave me or nor forsake me (Hebrews 13:5). I would like to say to anybody going through similar stuff, never ever give up! Endurance is so important if we are to be overcomers. And God is good! I would also like to ask anybody who reads this to say a little prayer for me that I will be strong in my battles. God bless you all! You Need More: If you want a rest from reading, now is a good time. If you worry that you are in spiritual danger, however, you will need to return to these webpages whenever you can and read more. Record the web address of the next webpage before leaving. Important: Get your pastor and those who care about you to read Scrupulosity  and the pages it leads to. Few will be able to understand and support you without reading them. The Beginning The only way to not miss any of this feast of uplifting webpages about false guilt is to start at Feeling Condemned? There’s Hope! and follow each link. You won't regret it! Feeling Rejected by God  An important part of this series of webpages Unforgivable?  The part of the series that deals with the unforgivable sin Testimonies  They thought they were unforgivable

My Fears About the Unpardonable Sin Angry at God, yet longing for his love; fearing my sin was unforgivable, yet never wanting eternal rejection; at last I’m finding peace with God This testimony is by 28 year old man who prefers to remain unnamed. When, many years ago, my parents stopped attending church, I stopped, too. Four years ago, after many personal problems, depression, tendency to homosexuality (in my thoughts), and a growing unbelief toward God, I felt the need to know God. I prayed, crying over my sins and asking the Lord for mercy and forgiveness. And he answered. He let me know the message of salvation in Christ, and I accepted it. I was so thankful. I found myself continually thanking the Lord for his love and his salvation, asking him, “Why have you saved me ? How could you have loved me ?” He changed my life and my thoughts. He removed depression and homosexuality from me, and gave me great peace and the joy of calling him “Father.” He made me a new creature. Just a few days later, as I was reading the Bible, Satan was almost successful in convincing me that I could not be saved because of my past sins, but the Lord helped me. A couple of days later, while I was reading Mark 3:29 about the sin of blaspheming the Holy Spirit, I remembered that since I was a child, sometimes blasphemous thoughts against the Lord had popped into my mind. I hated those thoughts and didn’t know what to do against them. So, after reading that Scripture, I was soon convinced that I had committed the unforgivable sin. The pain was horrible. Until that moment, I had felt a strong communion with the Lord. I longed for his love and his will more than anything else. But now I felt like a child rejected by his father. I didn’t understand that the Deceiver was trying trick me with his lies, like he lied to Jesus in the wilderness. I thought I was the only Christian on earth to have this problem. I can’t adequately describe my distress. I was overwhelmed with devastating depression, turmoil, confusion. I cried for weeks asking God not to forsake me. I still loved him and could somewhat feel he had not really gone, but it was as if I were in a pit and couldn’t understand what was happening above. Slowly I became bitter and angry with God, but I repented of this attitude again and again asked him to forgive me. I cried a lot, praying incessantly, but each time with less faith than before. The blasphemous thoughts multiplied and I felt powerless. My doubts about God’s love increased. It seemed to me that he was a God of love who loved everyone, except me. In those months the Lord helped me by letting me know stories of people who had committed gross sins against him and were not forsaken. He let me find two sermons, one by George Whitefield and another by C.H. Spurgeon, who talked about my problem. Those thoughts that I had presumed to be only my problem, were clearly described as an attack by the enemy. I began to understand that I had not been rejected, but was just in a spiritual trial. I asked God for forgiveness and help. The buildup of months of resentment and bitterness, however, had weakened my faith. And when those thoughts came again stronger and more intensely, I could not accept that they came from Satan, rather than me. I concluded that my heart must be hopelessly wicked. So I again fell into discouragement, unbelief, depression, and crying. All the while, I kept praying and asking God for help, but my prayers were mere laments than having any expectation that God would respond. Every now and then, I realized that God had not abandoned me, but then I remembered my former irritation at God, my unbelief, my failures, and I felt that God could not accept me anymore. Gradually, however, the Lord helped me and restored me. Once again I asked God for his forgiveness. Many churches in my country are cold and I didn’t feel love and good doctrine in them. Last year, the Lord sent me a brother in Christ who invited me to visit his church. I felt Christ’s love in that place and in all of the people there. I felt refreshed and enthused, but after a while I couldn’t feel the Lord’s presence anymore. I felt barren, while all my brothers and sisters in Christ seemed always joyful and radiant. I prayed and looked for communion with God. On rare occasions I found it but even then it did not last. I began to see that part of the problem was that even if I know God’s promises and what Jesus has done for me, my faith was based primarily on my feelings, rather than what God has done. Moreover, those promises have become to me like a “law” (if I do this, God will do that) rather than his promises being God’s undeserved gift. All these things had saddened my soul to the point that for a few weeks I had once again some bitterness against the Lord, and even started thinking that God could be cruel to people, leaving them to suffer instead of saving them. I repented of those thoughts, because I know that the Lord is truly love. But this is yet another failure that I have collected. These trials have been very hard for my small faith, so whenever I can’t feel his presence I easily forgot his help and his promises, and become the enemy’s prey again. When I see the years behind me I feel so discouraged, and often feel like the people of Israel of old when they were in the wilderness and God had to forsake them there because of their unbelief. [ Comment by Grantley: It is common when we are defeated to interpret God’s actions negatively. In reality, the Lord did not forsake the Israelites despite their lack of faith. He simply kept them in the wilderness where he continued to miraculously look after them. ] Sometimes I wonder if God could ever forgive and restore me, and even if I know that he has done it in the past, I just don’t have the strength to get up and pray with faith. So I almost couldn’t believe my eyes when I found Grantley’s pages about the unforgivable sin and blasphemous thoughts! They described my condition perfectly, comforted my soul greatly, and finally showed me the way out. I have asked the Lord for forgiveness and now I’m free! Like Christy, whose testimony is on this website, I had kept my problem a secret. I never mentioned a word of it to my family, my friends, my pastor, because I thought nobody would understand. And the saddest part was that I was denying myself the help I desperately needed. I couldn’t carry that weight all by myself, and without that support I more easily fell for Satan’s lies. I had also started thinking it could be a form of demon possession, that I had lost my salvation, and so on. Like Christy, I know what it means to be mentally tortured, screaming at the top of one’s lungs, and being plagued by those terrible thoughts. Sometimes even the thought of suicide came to my mind. Even though it all started with those blasphemous thoughts, the problem slowly changed when I felt that the Lord couldn’t forgive me. I felt too much shame to seek help and despised myself for my reactions, unbelief, murmuring, etc. and I believed that the Lord had abandoned me. I missed so much because I failed to apply to myself God’s special promises. I kept thinking they applied only to other people. Now, I know that God’s promises are for everyone – even me. All the Help You Need To keep worrying that God is displeased with you or cannot forgive you is like worrying that God might die. Nevertheless, anyone hounded by such worries both needs and deserves an enormous amount of support. It’s all here for you, provided free so that you have no excuse, but to access it all, you will have to read it all, and for daily support you will need to return every day to read it. Next Testimony The False Shame of Blasphemous Thoughts Important: Get your pastor and those who care about you to read Scrupulosity  and the pages it leads to. Few will be able to understand and support you without reading them. The Beginning The only way to not miss any of this feast of uplifting webpages about false guilt is to start at Feeling Condemned? There’s Hope! and follow each link. You won't regret it! Feeling Rejected by God  An important part of this series of webpages Unforgivable?  The part of the series that deals with the unforgivable sin Testimonies  They thought they were unforgivable

My Thirty-Year Battle with Blasphemous Thoughts Rose tells of her long battle with blasphemous thoughts. Her testimony shows that through Christ we can win, no matter how black things seem and how prolonged the fight. It is nearly thirty years ago – when I was twenty years – when I was first bothered by the thought that I had committed the unpardonable sin. My mother and a few other people tried to convince me otherwise, and I would believe them for a while, but I would always go back to thinking I had actually committed this sin. I soon became obsessed with this fear, and could think of little else. Things soon went from bad to worse. I started getting all manner of terribly evil lies about the Holy Trinity in my head. These disgusting thoughts simply refused to go away. There was also much cursing and swearing directed toward God. It grew so bad that I couldn’t function at work anymore. I had to quit my job and move back home. I would hang around the house all day, not doing much of anything but crying and trying to fight these thoughts. I started writing letters to God and began acting strangely. I would talk out loud to myself and cry out loud as well. I completely lost my appetite because whenever I went to eat something, I was made to feel guilty. And then one horrible day, a thought came into my mind, “What if I start believing these lies?” I apologized to God almost immediately, saying, “Oh Lord, how could I even think such a thought? I could never believe these terrible lies about you.” But it was too late – the damage was done. Not too long after, a sarcastic voice started to taunt me. It began murmuring inside my head: “Now you’ve really done it! Now you’re going to believe these lies!” I started crying and shaking my head, “No, no, I’ll never believe them!” But it seemed the more I protested, the more the thought seemed to take root in my mind. And then it happened. My worst possible nightmare had come true. I didn’t know who God was anymore. I couldn’t tell the difference between the truth and the lies. I wasn’t sure that God was a good God, anymore. This terrified me. I thought I was doomed and on my way to hell. But I thought I had at least to try to fight these lies and defend what I believed in. So I would read passages from the Bible and try to prove to myself that God was good. Some days I would know who God was again, but other days would be filled with doubts and self-loathing. Finally, about six months after this all started, I decided that I had to snap out of it. I couldn’t take it anymore; it was driving me crazy. I decided the only option was to stop thinking about God altogether. Day by day, little by little, I began to force myself to take an interest in what was going on around me, and to put God out of my mind as much as possible. And I think I was fairly successful in doing this. Over the years, whenever I thought about the Lord, it wasn’t too long before the terrible thoughts would come back again. Whenever this happened I would say, “I’m sorry, Lord, I just can’t think of you.” And then once again, I would push him out of my mind. This, I’m ashamed to admit, was more of a convenience than anything. I didn’t really want God in my life, anyway. I was more interested in drinking and partying, and since I knew that God wouldn’t approve of this life style, it was better that he was out of the picture. I used to drink a lot because I was very shy and it helped me be more social. But it was also to numb the pain I was feeling. I always thought that some day, when I was older, I would return to God but not now while I was trying to have a “good” time. So for the next fifteen years or so, I hardly thought about God at all, except maybe when I wanted something. It wasn’t until I was going through a particularly rough time in my life, that I decided I needed him. One day I said, “Lord, I don’t want to do it on my own anymore, please come back into my life.” I immediately sensed God’s love, and felt that he was pleased with my decision. At first, things were great. I felt very close to God and, although I was still drinking at the time, I felt that God was on my side, and that my life was headed in the right direction. It wasn’t too long, however, before those horrifically blasphemous thoughts about God started creeping back. They kept getting worse and worse and I was helpless to stop them. Soon they were occupying my thoughts day and night. They were at their worst first thing in the morning. When I woke up, my mind would be flooded with all manners of disgusting thoughts about the Holy Trinity. They were the vilest lies anyone could think of about God. They attacked the very essence of him – his goodness. I was horrified, especially now that I wanted him back in my life. I wanted to die, rather than listen to any more of these blasphemous lies about God. After experiencing God’s love for me again there was no way now that I could just forget about God, like I had in the past. I didn’t want to forget about him. I didn’t want to live without him! The thoughts terrified me. I would cry out to God, “Why won’t you help me?” When the lies about God wouldn’t stop, I would get mad at God. Sometimes I would even conjure up the evil thoughts on my own, and then would laugh hysterically, almost as if I were trying to shock him into healing me saying, “See! This is what happens, when you won’t heal me.” But the worst was yet to come. Soon I began to have all manner of doubts about the Holy Trinity and the Bible. I felt like I didn’t know who God was anymore, not even whether he was good or bad. This, I felt, was the most horrible betrayal of all. I thought this was as close to the unpardonable sin as one could ever get. I felt like the worst sinner alive. And I can’t even bring myself to tell you of a lie I suffered that is even more evil (if that even seems possible). Deep down, however, I knew that God was good, and I would chant over and over in my mind, like a mantra: “God is so good. Just look at the world and how beautiful it is. An unholy God couldn’t make such a beautiful world. That’s how I know that God is good.” But I still wasn’t sure that God was good. I also had doubts about Jesus really being the Son of God and dying on the cross for our sins. I would read all the verses in the Old Testament that prophesied about Jesus, over and over. And then I would try to force myself to believe. But my mind somehow couldn’t seem to grasp any of this. I was spiritually blind to the truth. During these periods of disbelief in God, the lies would dwindle away to almost nothing. It was only when I was able to believe in God, that they would start up again full force. So either I believed in God, but I would be tormented by the evil lies day and night, or I didn’t know who God was, and the persecution would ease up considerably. It was a continual cycle. To believe in the Lord was the most important thing in the world to me. I so desperately wanted to believe, but I couldn’t seem to hold on my faith for long. I would believe for a while, but I would always be worried that my faith would be snatched away from me. And whenever I believed, I would always be checking myself to make sure that I really did believe. I would wake up in the morning and would ask myself if I believed, and then I would tell myself something like, “Yes, I do believe. I believe in the Father, Son and Holy Spirit. God is a good God.” I had to reassure myself continuously that my faith was still there. Sunday mornings at church, I would think if only I could just soak up all the faith that I felt from the congregation around me. I felt that if only I could believe like these people, I wouldn’t ask for a thing more. When people would complain about any hardship they were facing, I wanted to say to them, “Yes, but you believe. You don’t know how lucky you are to believe!” I had no one to talk to about this. I was too ashamed to ask my minister for help. I would try to tell my mother or a Christian friend about what I was going through, but neither of them seemed to understand. They would both ask what I meant by “lies,” but they were such repulsive thoughts against God that I seemed unable to force myself to repeat them to anyone. I felt I was pretty much on my own with this. But then one day, I happened to come across this website you are reading, and I read. And after reading Grantley’s article on the unpardonable sin and the testimonies that followed, I was never again bothered by the thought that I had committed the unpardonable sin. I finally got it! Even when I didn’t know that God was good, I knew that it wasn’t really God that was in the wrong, it was me. I truly believe that reading Grantley’s article was the beginning of my healing. This is not to say I was by any means healed overnight. I still had, at times, terrible doubts about the Lord and still suffered sometimes from the blasphemous thoughts, but at least I wasn’t haunted by the thought that I was unforgivable. About five years have passed since then. And it’s only been about the last six months, where I can honestly say that I am healed once and for all of this terrible sickness. In fact, up until then, I was reading up on other faiths, just to make sure that there wasn’t a different way to find God. Today, the blasphemous thoughts are gone. But what’s even better, I don’t fear that these lies will ever come back again or that I will lose my faith. This fear would always lead to my downfall in the past. My faith would be restored, but there was always that little spot of fear at the very back of my mind that I would lose my faith again at any moment. By worrying about it, I wasn’t trusting God at all. Today though, my mind is crystal clear and my heart is set, and I know whose side I am on. Better yet, God is on my side. I share this testimony because I want people suffering with this type of illness to know that as long as you believe in Christ’s power to forgive all sin, then you have nothing to fear. God is so loving, and even though it might not always seem that way at the time, he only wants what is best for you. Rose updates her testimony: I first wrote to you about six years ago about the unpardonable sin. I have lost my job for over three years now. I have Multiple Sclerosis and problems with my balance, as well as muscle weakness. So since I was working at a factory and standing all day, they were worried I was going to fall and hurt myself. But I am not complaining. In spite of it all, I am feeling great. I believe in my Lord and Savior, and that is the most important thing in my life. God is wonderful! I had to write, because I was enjoying reading the New Testament yesterday morning when I thought of how lucky I was to be able to read my Bible like this, and how much I thanked God for healing me. I recall when I would try to read my Bible, and couldn’t read anything except the Psalms. Sometimes I would drop my Bible in horror, when I had the blasphemous thoughts. But now it so wonderful to be able to think about God and praise him, and I just wanted to thank him for all he’s done for me. Comment by Grantley “I felt very close to God,” wrote Rose about an early stage in her spiritual battle. The weakness in her testimony is mention of such feelings and the fact that she is no longer tormented by repulsive thoughts about God. The real heroes are those who continue to be plagued by guilt feelings and disgusting thoughts but keep clinging to Christ regardless and stubbornly refuse to let it in any way hinder a beautiful relationship with God. They are the ones who receive Heaven’s standing ovation. An easy life is no more a measure of spiritual success than being fat and lazy is a measure of athletic prowess. Next Testimony Haunted by Blasphemous Thoughts Important: Get your pastor and those who care about you to read Scrupulosity and the pages it leads to. Few will be able to understand and support you without reading them. The Beginning The only way to not miss any of this feast of uplifting webpages about false guilt is to start at Feeling Condemned? There’s Hope! and follow each link. You won't regret it! Feeling Rejected by God An important part of this series of webpages Unforgivable? The part of the series that deals with the unforgivable sin Testimonies They thought they were unforgivable

Why Christians are Plagued by Ugly Thoughts About God The Help and Answers You Need Please understand that all my webpages on this subject apply to all uncontrollable unchristian thoughts or mental images, not merely thoughts you might regard as blasphemous. I received the following e-mail and have permission to share it anonymously. It highlights the problem that most of us face when plagued by blasphemous thoughts about the Holy Spirit or other unwanted, ugly thoughts: Your website has helped me tremendously. Over the past two and half months I’ve been having terribly blasphemous thoughts. It worried me at first. I thought they were my own thoughts and so I got really scared. Then I found your website and I just about broke down after reading some of it. I’m a guy in college, so crying doesn’t come easily. I just want you to realize how much you have helped me to realize I’m normal, that these are not my thoughts, and that many, many other people have suffered just as I have. It helped a lot, but it all came back to me a week later and I’m not doing so well anymore. I’m getting extreme anxiety over these thoughts. Also, the thoughts have built shame in me and I get embarrassed very easily around people now. It’s like I’ve lost my confidence and feel responsible for these thoughts. What can I do so I don’t blush so easily whenever these topics come up? Also, what can I do to combat the thoughts? They get triggered so easily. Please help me. I feel trapped. See what happened? After finding freedom, he was slipping back into accepting the thoughts as his own. This is common. With our every advance we can expect a counterattack in which the devil will try to retake the ground we have gained. We must stubbornly resist the pressure to surrender to his lies, whether it be false condemnation or believing that we are responsible for thoughts we do not want. In war, the enemy can gain a major tactical advantage by making a show of attacking at one location when it is actually about to launch its main assault at a different location. If one falls for this trick, most of one’s defenses are moved from the area where they are critically needed and focused where they are not so needed. Don’t waste your resources getting sidetracked into self-examination or fighting thoughts or guilt feelings. No matter how real and scary they seem, they are just cardboard cut-outs. The real battlefront is whether you believe that Jesus died for the sins of the world – believing that through Jesus forgiveness is available for every sin that anyone could ever commit, provided one accepts it. Consider this scenario: A teenager is head over heels in love with the girl of his dreams. Cindy is stunningly beautiful in his eyes. Her spiteful sister, however, is insanely jealous and desperately wants to sabotage the relationship. So she hatches a plan. She keeps dropping hints to Cindy that she is fat and that no boy would ever want her. Cindy begins to panic and does everything she can think of to lose weight but her sister keeps insisting that Cindy is so ugly that any boy showing interest in her would be secretly disgusted with her and merely pretending to like her so that he can boast to others about how he tricked her and then dumped her. Cindy ends up so focused on losing weight and so convinced that she is ugly that every indication of love from her would-be boyfriend is misinterpreted. She grows so certain that he would dump her that she thinks the only way to protect herself from heartbreak is to keep pushing him away. That is like the plan the devil has hatched to try to sabotage our relationship with God. He wants us so fixated on trying to fight unwanted blasphemous thoughts and so foolishly convinced that they render us repulsive to God that we misinterpret our Lord’s every expression of love for us. The devil wants us to push God away through being duped into wrongly supposing that ugly thoughts render us unacceptable to the God who is head over heels in love with us – the God who went to the extreme of the cross to totally forgive everyone whose faith is in him. Instead of getting to know how loving God really is, we ignore him by becoming so obsessed with ourselves and so focused on our thoughts and feelings that we end up breaking God’s heart by refusing to believe the magnitude of his love for us. We get so distracted by worrying needlessly about insulting God with thoughts we cannot control that we unknowingly fall into the devil’s trap of doing the only thing that truly insults God – not believing in the unlimited power of his love and forgiveness. Unwanted thoughts, no matter how repulsive, are merely pesky flies that refuse to be shooed away. The average person would be annoyed, but would get on with life. People who are obsessed about germs that the flies might carry, however, could become so fearful of a few flies that they lose sight of the big picture and abandon their great potential by daily devoting all their efforts to trying to fight the flies. The real danger is not the germs but letting the fear of germs get so out of control that it keeps them from the important things in life. Likewise, the real danger with uncontrollable blasphemous thoughts is not that they are anti-God but that we become so obsessed with fighting them that we lose sight of how deeply in love with us God is and how much he approves of us because of the magnitude of what Christ achieved by bearing on the cross our every sin. We become so obsessed with trying to shoo thoughts away that we forget the power of the cross and that salvation is freely showered upon everyone who simply accepts it by faith, no matter how appalling or repeated the sin is. What makes most attacks so spiritually dangerous is that they tempt people to focus on themselves instead of keeping their eyes on their Savior. It is like Peter walking on the water. It was a little scary for Peter but it went fine until he took his eyes off Christ and onto the waves. It was then that fear took over and he began to sink. Nevertheless, Jesus was right there and kept him safe. No matter what scary distractions the devil throws at you, keep your focus on Jesus. What matters is not how inadequate you are but how adequate Christ is. Let me say it again: There is no limit to Christ’s power to forgive. People suffering condemnation keep trying to find loopholes in the word of God. They never word it this way, but they think they are some sort of exception that can turn God into a liar. To these people I simply say: which part of all don’t you understand? Psalm 86:5 You are forgiving and good, O Lord, abounding in love to all who call to you. Psalm 103:3 who forgives all your sins . . . Psalm 145:9 The LORD is good to all ; he has compassion on all he has made. Isaiah 38:17  . . . In your love you kept me from the pit of destruction; you have put all my sins behind your back. Isaiah 53:6 We all , like sheep, have gone astray, each of us has turned to his own way; and the LORD has laid on him the iniquity of us all . Jeremiah 33:8 I will cleanse them from all the sin they have committed against me and will forgive all their sins of rebellion against me. Ezekiel 36:25 I will sprinkle clean water on you, and you will be clean; I will cleanse you from all your impurities . . . Micah 7:18-19 Who is a God like you, who pardons sin and forgives the transgression of the remnant of his inheritance? You do not stay angry for ever but delight to show mercy. You will again have compassion on us; you will tread our sins underfoot and hurl all our iniquities into the depths of the sea. John 1:12 Yet to all who received him, to those who believed in his name, he gave the right to become children of God Romans 3:22-24 This righteousness from God comes through faith in Jesus Christ to all who believe. There is no difference, for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, and are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus. Romans 5:18 Consequently, just as the result of one trespass was condemnation for all men, so also the result of one act of righteousness was justification that brings life for all men. Romans 10:12-13  . . . the same Lord is Lord of all and richly blesses all who call on him for, “Everyone who calls on the name of the Lord will be saved.” Titus 2:13-14  . . . our great God and Savior, Jesus Christ, who gave himself for us to redeem us from all wickedness and to purify for himself a people that are his very own . . . 1 John 1:7  . . . the blood of Jesus, his Son, purifies us from all sin 1 John 1:9 If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness. (Emphasis mine.) So I repeat: if you think yourself unforgivable, what part of all don’t you understand? Yet people with an overactive conscience will keep feeling guilty and people trying to help them usually expect to be able to remove those feelings by rational argument, but rational argument simply won’t help. It’s like a person who is afraid of harmless spiders. No amount of rational argument that the spiders are harmless will reduce the person’s fear. Every Christian who is plagued by guilt feelings despite believing in Christ and longing to be free from sin, needs to realize that guilt feelings will remain, and simply choose not to be dominated by those feelings, even though the feelings are unpleasant and upsetting, and the thoughts are disgusting. The real reason for Christians being harassed by blasphemous thoughts is the same reason why forgiven Christians feel condemned. It is a satanic attempt to distract us from the real issue: we are saved by simple faith in Christ, not by works. Unwanted thoughts are simply a form of temptation, and all Christians are tempted. The temptation, however, is not an attempt to get us to think wrong thoughts. Neither God nor the devil cares about the thoughts he puts in our head. The devil’s goal is to get us to doubt the reality of the forgiveness and divine approval that we have in Christ. Mick, who for year after year after year has had a horrific battle with blasphemous thoughts writes: I’m so blessed that I am at last comprehending this affliction. I’m close to beating it, now. I’ve noticed that, despite the extreme lengths I’ve gone in my attempts, I’m literally powerless to stop intrusive thoughts. That being the case, it is futile to attempt to fight the thoughts. So here’s my solution: When unwanted thoughts come, I just let them. I mean it: I let the worst conceivable blasphemous thoughts, disgusting ideas, and so on, come and run their course. It doesn’t matter if I’m guilt ridden, emotionless, have a tight chest, or whatever, I don’t bother trying to resist them. I freely let them happen. Jesus gave the parable of a father who had two sons. One said he would obey, but didn’t. The other said he would not, but did (Matthew 21:28-31). It was the latter son, despite what he said, who pleased the father. So here’s how I look at it: I can have hideous thoughts, yet reject sin. I can think bad things about God, yet worship him. So who cares about the thoughts? Does God? Will he condemn me? No. If I had the thoughts, believed them, and lived them, then yes, I would need to repent, but I don’t even have to bother with that, because the thoughts I suffer are inflicted on me against my will. Mick is right. Suffering blasphemous thoughts, profane images, doubts and guilt feelings, is like being mugged. It is unpleasant, but God is not so cruel and foolish as to blame you for it. And if those things were deliberate, Christ’s priceless sacrifice is not so powerless as to turn into a lie all of God’s promises to forgive all the sins of everyone who puts his/her faith in Christ. Someone else wrote the following. You’ll see it interspersed with my comments in a different color: It seems as though the harder I try to stop vile thoughts against God’s Precious Holy Spirit, the more they come. This is no coincidence. It is precisely how the human mind works. It is guaranteed that the harder we try to stop thinking about something, the more we will think it. It is inevitable. The only solution is to  not  try to stop the thoughts. Don’t bother about them at all. By not trying to stop the thoughts we are displaying faith that it is Christ, not our works – not our efforts to stop thoughts – that saves us. If God had said speaking against blue bears was unforgivable. Then guess what? I would probably have thoughts against blue bears. Exactly. Whatever we most fear, or most upsets us, is sure to predominate in our thinking. That’s just common sense. And if we know that, don’t you think God knows it? Do you really think he is so heartless as to condemn you for the way the human mind works? The thoughts come when I get angry, or aggravated or even after I have been “well behaved” (read the Bible, gone to church, or prayed). Every time I try to draw closer to the Lord I have blasphemous thoughts and then I worry about the unpardonable sin. Even as I am typing thoughts come to my mind. I wish this problem on no one! There has not been a day when I don’t think I am unpardonable, because of some thought. I constantly worry about my salvation every day. Like trying not to think about something, worrying is totally counterproductive. We are saved by faith, not by worrying. Stop fretting. Instead, calmly thank God for your salvation. That is saving faith in action. I have prayed and prayed. Continually praying for salvation is counterproductive. The Bible boldly declares the will of God: 1 Timothy 2:3-4  . . . God our Savior, who wants all men to be saved and to come to a knowledge of the truth. 2 Peter 3:9 The Lord is not slow in keeping his promise, as some understand slowness. He is patient with you, not wanting anyone to perish, but everyone to come to repentance. John 3:16 For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life. (Emphasis mine.) The God who cannot lie has given his word – the Bible – that salvation is God’s will for you. It is what he aches for so much that Jesus willingly allowed himself to be tortured to death for you to have it. And God has given us many promises about answered prayer. Here is one: 1 John 5:14-15 This is the confidence we have in approaching God: that if we ask anything according to his will, he hears us. And if we know that he hears us – whatever we ask – we know that we have what we asked of him. So when you asked for forgiveness through Jesus, this is precisely what he instantly gave you. God doesn’t promise you’ll feel it, taste it, smell it. Our physical senses cannot perceive the supernatural. Neither can our inner feelings perceive it. God doesn’t even promise you won’t be riddled with doubts over it. We know that “we have what we asked of him” solely because God has divinely guaranteed it. The answer to your prayer for salvation depends not on you, but on the integrity of Almighty God, who made the vow, put it in writing and signed it with the blood of Jesus. He pronounced that it will happen, so it happens. End of story. If God says he has given you something, it is lack of faith to ask for it again, as if God might have lied the first time. Just thank God that regardless of what you think or feel, he has already given his salvation. Doubting your salvation is like someone with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder checking locks. He checks that it is locked and feels peace but soon doubts begin. Doubts build higher and higher, anxiety builds until, despite all logic telling him he has already checked, he gives in to the pressure and checks again. It is like an addiction. Every time he gives in to his anxieties by checking again, it strengthens the addiction. The only way to break it is to refuse to check, no matter how strong the anxiety and doubts get. He must learn to tolerate the doubts and anxiety. It is the same with doubting your salvation, being plagued with blasphemous thoughts, and so on. You must learn to tolerate these unpleasant things, no matter how bad they get. The goal is not to reach the point where they stop, but to learn to live with them. This is how you treat the illness – the anxiety disorder – of Religious Obsessive Compulsive Disorder; the mental affliction that causes obsessive blasphemous thoughts and repeated doubts about one’s salvation. This treatment works best when used in conjunction with medication prescribed by doctors for Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. Phobias, such as a fear of spiders, are another type of anxiety disorder. A fear of spiders is overcome by continuing to remain in the presence of harmless spiders, despite the anxiety one feels. It might take weeks, but eventually the anxiety will begin to dissipate as one gradually gets used to tolerating anxiety, rather than giving in to it. You don’t fight spiders; you fight anxiety by refusing to give in to the anxiety. Spiders are not the problem; one’s excessive fear of them is the problem. By refusing to fight (refusing to attempt to kill) harmless spiders, one is exercising faith that they will not hurt you. So it is with unwanted thoughts and doubts. You don’t fight thoughts and doubts; you fight anxiety by refusing to give in to the anxiety. Thoughts and doubts are not the problem; one’s excessive fear of them is the problem. By refusing to fight thoughts and doubts, you are exercising faith in the saving power of Christ. If you were to ask me to pray that the thoughts, disgusting images, guilt feelings, or doubts stop, I wouldn’t, even though I would feel deeply for you. To me to pray that they stop would be giving up on you and treating you as a wimp who has no faith. I believe in you and so does God. I believe you can be subjected to Satan’s barrage and still cling to faith in Christ’s cleansing power and that through doing this you will become a powerful person of God. Mick e-mailed me again: I’m getting so much better. It doesn’t happen overnight. I had a pretty big panic attack the other day, then the bad thoughts were coming fast. I was scared and all of a sudden I started laughing! I said something like, “Lord, you must think me a nut. You know better than me I don’t believe one of these words. From now on when such thoughts come, let’s laugh together.” I believe the key to wellness is to realize that you are literally powerless to prevent unwanted thoughts. I fully agree with Mick. Instead of worrying, laugh it off. Relief certainly won’t happen overnight, and you are sure to have times of severe attack when you feel worse than ever. Remember, however, that neither feelings nor avoidance of unwanted thoughts is the goal. The goal is faith, and faith alone. This is what glorifies God. If you studied that verse, you will know that the deciding factor as to whether your sin can be forgiven has nothing to do with how gross or repeated the sin – God promises in his Word to “purify us from all unrighteousness.” This Scripture (and many others) reveals that whether your sins are unforgivable hinges not on the nature of your sin, but on this one thing: whether God “is faithful and just.” So, despite all of the deceptive smokescreens the tempter puts up, everything boils down to this: do you choose to believe that God is faithful and just? Do you refuse to believe that the God who said he will never leave nor forsake us (Hebrews 13:5) is a liar? When everything within and without screams otherwise, do you stubbornly maintain the scriptural attitude displayed in Romans: “Let God be true, and every man a liar” (Romans 3:4)? Despite prolonged faith battles and horrific doubts, do you keep returning to the truth of Hebrews 6:18 that “it is impossible for God to lie”? Do you cling with all your might to the certainty that the God who said, “Lo, I am with you alway . . .” (Matthew 28:20, KJV) is indeed the God of truth who will keep his word by staying with you? So is God a liar, or is he faithful and just by cleansing the most atrocious sins of the most depraved, repeated offender who wants it? What you choose to believe about this is the real battlefront. It is on this belief that your eternity swings. Everything else is but malicious diversions diabolically designed to dupe you into diverting your energy into fighting useless skirmishes, while leaving the real issue – faith in God’s goodness and power to cleanse every sin – undefended. It’s as though your spiritual enemy uses an accomplice to keep terrifying you by pounding on your front door. You panic, putting all your effort into fortifying the front door, while your enemy is sneaking in through the back, robbing you blind. By seizing your attention, getting you worried about the power of your sin, he has diverted you from the real issue – the one that defeats him every time – the power of your Savior. The critical issue is not how great is your sin, but how great is your Savior; not how much you insult God by sinning but how much you insult him by doubting his promise and his power to save. No sin can keep anyone out of heaven, except the refusal to exercise the simple faith it takes to accept Christ’s forgiveness. No one can believe for you. Only you, by an act of will, can choose to believe. Stop going from person to person or Bible commentary to Bible commentary or from supernatural sign to sign, hoping that any of them can believe for you. Simply by a tenacious act of will, resolve never again to doubt your Savior’s commitment to his promise to cleanse from all unrighteousness everyone who seeks it. If you want forgiveness through Jesus, Almighty God is with you, and through him you can most assuredly win. It is vital, however, to know what victory looks like. Victory is not being free from temptation. It would be defeat if God had to remove all temptation because he concluded you were too weak to overcome it. And since temptation takes the form of thoughts, feelings and doubts, and the tempter is ungodly, victory does not mean not having ungodly thoughts, feelings and doubts. Victory means clinging in faith to the saving power of Christ, no matter how strong the attacks are. Another Angle on Repulsive & Blasphemous Thoughts We all have atrocious thoughts flash through our minds at times. Most of us think the thoughts are ridiculous and just get on with life. Fearing the thoughts and consequently trying to control them, however, turns something normal into a deeply upsetting experience. Suppose you put electrodes on someone’s head, fooling him into thinking you could read his thoughts, then pull out a huge knife, threatening to slit his throat if he thinks of bikini-clad rhinoceroses. He would become so anxious not to think about them ( I must not think of rhinos in bikinis. . . I must not think of rhinos in bikinis. . . I must not think of rhinos in bikinis. . . ) that he wouldn’t be able to stop thinking of rhinos in cute little bikinis. The human brain is made that way. The more afraid we are of thinking of something and the more desperately we try to avoid thinking of it, the more inevitable it is that we will think of it. By fearing a particular thought and trying not to think of it – taking random despicable thoughts far too seriously – we set up a vicious circle that gets worse and worse. Since the affliction is powered by fear/anxiety, people dominated by unwanted thoughts usually suffer from excess anxiety generated by an imbalance in their brain chemistry – a medical condition known to cause Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. Free-floating anxiety locks on to whatever is most important to the person and then the cruel cycle begins. A common example is a new mother who lacks confidence. Her greatest focus of anxiety is the fear of harming her baby. So what flashes through her mind? Harming her baby. This causes her to panic even more and increases her anxiety to stop the thought. So what thought keeps coming to her? Harming her baby. Before long, her mind is flooded with thoughts of stabbing the baby she loves. Enter into her agony for a moment: it would be torment enough to be continually riddled with worry over the safety of the baby who means everything to you, let alone groundlessly believing that you, who are often alone with this darling, are the repulsively evil source of the danger. Never in a million years would she deliberately hurt her baby. The very thought horrifies her. In fact, this is what causes her to fixate on that thought and why she tries her utmost not to think of it. Like telling yourself over and over, “I will not think of rhinos in bikinis,” the thing she is trying so desperately not to think of is exactly what she will think of. It is nothing but a trick of the mind which in fact indicates how much the thought of harming her baby horrifies her and proves what a caring mother she really is and that she would never hurt her baby. So it is with a Christian having blasphemous thoughts. Being continually hounded by these filthy thoughts proves not how bad you are but how much you fear the thoughts. I am sure it would not surprise you to know I feel neither anger nor disgust but deep compassion for mothers suffering the torment of inescapable thoughts of hurting the baby they love. Well don’t for a moment suppose I have more compassion than the God of infinite love! Likewise, not only does you suffering ghastly, filthy thoughts about God not annoy him; it arouses within him deep compassion for you. What dishonors God is not thoughts you cannot control but you supposing that the God whose heart breaks to see you in such anguish is so hateful and lacking in understanding that he condemns you for the thoughts you despise. You need to realize that no matter how hideously disgusting such thoughts are, they cannot harm your relationship with God. He made the human brain. He understands, even when you don’t. He doesn’t condemn – only you torment yourself by failing to realize how forgiving and understanding God is. Don’t treat God as some heartless monster; run to him, knowing that he cares for you. Begin by understanding that Christ died for the forgiveness of the sins of the whole world, which has to include the forgiveness of any thought you could ever think. When Jesus spoke of the unforgivable sin, he was referring to being utterly convinced (not merely having the thought) that Christ can forgive no sin and is not only not the Savior of the world but is demon-possessed. People convinced of this cannot have their sins forgiven, simply because we are saved by faith that Christ was sent by God for the forgiveness of sin and these people are refusing to believe this. If they change their mind and put their faith in Christ, however, then all their sin (including the sin of them believing Christ was of the devil) will be freely forgiven because that is the nature of God. He wants no one to perish but all to come to repentance (1 Timothy 2:3-4; 2 Peter 3:9; Ezekiel 33:11) . For a much deeper exploration of this, see Unforgivable? Blaspheming the Holy Spirit and then keep following the main link toward the bottom of each page. Once you start believing that Jesus truly is the Savior of the world and therefore has the power to forgive everyone who puts their faith in him, and you hold on to this biblical truth no matter what thoughts and doubts and guilt feelings assail you, then you are exercising saving faith. By this you are not only fully forgiven but you are glorifying God by choosing to live by faith and not by fear and feelings. As you hold on to this and stop fearing the thoughts that plague you and you cease trying to fight them, the thoughts will gradually subside. Nevertheless, you can still expect them to return from time to time, and whether you panic or laugh them off determines how frequently they will harass you. I very recently received the following e-mail from a young woman who happily gave me permission to share it with you. Interspersed in a different color are my comments to her. I’ve been struggling with very disturbing and embarrassing thoughts for a year now. Sometimes they got so bad that I would feel tingling in my toes and fingers. The few people I confided in said I had OCD or post-partum stress disorder, which is probably true. Either way, the thoughts pretty much held me captive. Unfortunately, this began at the worst possible time: when I began trying to come back to my relationship with God. The timing is no coincidence. The enemy of our soul seeks to exploit any weakness he can find in us. OCD is driven by anxiety, so it targets the things we are most anxious about – the things that mean the most to us. When your relationship with God grew in importance to you, that became the inevitable target. I was living in a constant cycle of trying to reach out to God but feeling too ashamed and dirty to be forgiven. It is vital that Christians learn to live by faith and not by feelings. Faith in Christ is all about choosing to believe in his saving power rather than believe our feelings, no matter how deceptively real those feelings seem and how demandingly they scream at us. The average person finds it easier to dismiss false feelings than someone with OCD does because the medically induced anxiety feels deceptively like divine conviction, even though it is nothing but a trick of the mind. I felt like I was going through it alone, but one day I was searching the Internet for OCD symptoms and found your website. I was shocked by how many people were suffering the same way. I’ve had literally hundreds of people write to me about it. Their stories and your comments helped me realize that God really does forgive, no matter what. All I have to do is have faith in Christ and his power, and the fear is gone! Absolutely! The problem is that your anxiety is a medical issue (an imbalance in your brain chemistry) so the anxiety will continue no matter what happens spiritually. Moreover, the anxiety  feels  like conviction or a guilty conscience, so your overactive mind is driven to try to find a  spiritual  reason for the feeling, rather than accept the real cause, which is medical. So most Christians with this problem are tempted to fear that the existence of this medically-induced guilty feeling must indicate that they are not forgiven. Driven by this groundless fear, their mind goes to bizarre extremes as to why there might be some loophole in all the Scriptures affirming God’s promise that Christ’s forgiveness is freely available to  all  who put their faith in the saving power of Christ’s sacrifice. For so many people I’ve plugged up what they wrongly supposed to be a loophole and they are flooded with peace – for perhaps a day. But spiritual facts don’t change brain chemistry. Anxiety that feels like guilt continues and so, in a vain attempt to find some rational/spiritual reason for this feeling, their mind keeps searching for yet another supposed loophole in Scripture and before long they think they have found a possible contender. I’ve tried and tried and tried with these dear people until I’ve finally had to concede that no matter how many doubts I resolve for them, their over-active minds will still find new doubts because they keep mistaking medically-induced anxiety for proof that Christ is  not  mighty to save and that all the Scriptures must be fraudulent that claim that he forgives  all  who put their faith in him. For all of us it boils down not to searching Bible Commentaries but to raw faith: will we choose to put our faith in deceptively strong feelings or in the saving power of Christ? Once in a while I let myself forget and get a gross/embarrassing thought or two . . . Such thoughts will return at times regardless of whether you “forget”. but I’m not afraid anymore and I don’t dwell on it. That’s the key! Don’t make a big deal of it. Worrying about it is as groundless as a normal mother worrying about deliberately stabbing her baby. Your brain chemistry might flood you with feelings of anxiety and your mind might fill with repulsive thoughts but no matter how rough the ride gets, everyone who clings in faith to Christ is safe in the arms of the loving, all-powerful Savior. In fact, I can pretty much say that these thoughts have been a blessing in disguise, because I can really understand the power of God’s love and forgiveness, which I didn’t have much of an understanding before. So thank you for your website! God lets his beloved be tempted because he believes in them. He trusts them to keep clinging to him no matter how strong and oppressive the temptation gets. Likewise, he doesn’t prevent unwanted thoughts because he trusts each of us to keep believing in his love and saving power no matter how intense, hideous and distracting the thoughts get. And continually exercising such faith will end up making you spiritually strong, just like continually exerting physical effort would make you physically strong. Hold on: great things are ahead! If you have not yet read Scrupulosity , and the webpages it leads to, I suggest you do so as soon as you are able, as it should significantly increase your understanding of what has been afflicting you. If you have read them, take a break if needed but then please keep reading. You deserve all the support these pages offer. Important: Get your pastor and those who care about you to read Scrupulosity  and the pages it leads to. Few will be able to understand and support you without reading them. The Beginning The only way to not miss any of this feast of uplifting webpages about false guilt is to start at Feeling Condemned? There’s Hope!   and follow each link. You won't regret it! Feeling Rejected by God  An important part of this series of webpages Unforgivable?   The part of the series that deals with the unforgivable sin Testimonies   They thought they were unforgivable

Unforgivable! Hebrews 6:4-6 For it is impossible for those who were once enlightened, and have tasted of the heavenly gift, and were made partakers of the Holy Ghost, And have tasted the good word of God, and the powers of the world to come, If they shall fall away, to renew them again unto repentance; seeing they crucify to themselves the Son of God afresh, and put him to an open shame.” (KJV) Introduction by Grantley Morris Despite being a Christian for very many years, Lynne regularly enjoyed in her fantasies wild sex with animals. She had what she believed to be an imaginary friend and stumbled upon a www.netburst.net webpage about how, for Christine, imaginary friends had turned out to be demons. (Part of Christine’s testimony appears on the previous page: Forsaken by God?) Slowly and reluctantly, Lynne came to the devastating conclusion that her imaginary friend was actually a demon. She contacted us and was soon totally delivered, but not before demons had manifested themselves to her in such a way that it become undeniably obvious to her that she indeed been intimate with demons. I questioned Lynne as to whether she wanted me to share these facts and provide her real name in this testimony. She replied: Yes, you may use anything I have written – including the sex with demons – and you may use my real name. Seriously, I’m not nervous or afraid of this. I don’t want anyone experiencing what I experienced. People need to know they do not have to live this way. Yes, there is a way out, and that way is Jesus Christ. He died on that cross for all my sins. He only has a problem if I wilfully continue in my sins....yet there is still forgiveness, if I regret my sin and seek forgiveness through Jesus. Soon after Lynne had forced the demons to leave her by commanding them to do so in Jesus’ name, she joined the NetBurst.Net Prayer Team and read a prayer request that shook her. Below is the e-mail she sent me about it. I received the prayer request about “B" who is struggling with the sixth chapter of Hebrews. I decided to read it so I would know how to pray for him better. I’m thinking he’s probably having trouble with verses four to six because when I read them yesterday I also had trouble. In an instant I felt this cold chill and immense feeling of fear come over me, and I felt all the progress I’ve made over the last few months go right out the window. As I read it the thought speared my heart, “All the sexual acts you’ve taken part in – both spiritually and physically – are way too perverted to have any chance for Christ’s forgiveness again. How could you have sex with animals, enjoy it, and ever expect God to take you back? That’s just sick!! God is righteous and pure and would never have anything to do with me. I had my chance and I blew it.” I thought that way for a few hours last night, and I really felt myself sinking into despair. Within about five minutes I began contemplating engaging in every sin and bondage I’d worked so hard to be free from. I even wondered about cutting myself. And then it hit me: Satan is using this passage to create despair, depression, and desperation in my mind. He is trying to stop me from going forward in God’s will and good plan for my life. He is trying to steal the peace I have through Christ Jesus. 2 Timothy 1:7 For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind. (KJV) I don’t know what that fourth verse in Hebrews 6 means. I’m not a Bible scholar. But I do know this: Nothing can separate me from the love of God and with God all things are possible – not in my own strength – but through his strength, power and mercy. God will never leave me nor forsake me but, I could choose to leave Him. I did choose to leave him at one time, but now I’m back. “B” can come back too. My heart hurts for him so much. I don’t know what to say to him, but I’m definitely praying for him. I can see that these prayer requests are twofold. My prayers help the person I’m praying for, but they can also strengthen me and my resolve in my walk with Christ. Praise God!!! Here’s a couple of comments of mine on what Lynne wrote:  . . . way too perverted to have any chance for Christ’s forgiveness again. It is glorifying to God to think that he is not loving enough to forgive everyone who repents? Did Christ not suffer enough to bear the penalty for  all  sin? Should he have suffered more to make his sacrifice adequate? God is righteous and pure and would never have anything to do with you. On the contrary, God is too righteous  not  to forgive! 1 John 1:9 If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. I really felt myself sinking into despair. When we feel this way, who benefits? God? Us? Only the devil benefits. And that indicates the source of the feeling. But I do know this . . . God will never leave me nor forsake me Lynne is here quoting Hebrews 13:5. She is quoting from the very book of the Bible that had previously upset her. By doing so she was putting that disturbing verse back into the biblical context, and the full biblical revelation – expounded in detail elsewhere on this site – is that God forgives and accepts all who come to him through Christ, no matter how atrocious and repeated their sins. If you read the book of Hebrews in its entirety you will see that it was written to Jewish Christians who were teetering on the edge of abandoning Christ and salvation through his sacrifice and returning to Judaism. This is why the book commences with insisting that Jesus is superior to Old Testament prophets, angels, and Moses. It moves on to expound how Jesus is greater than the high priest and that Jesus’ sacrifice is superior to animal sacrifices. Jews tempted to revert to their former religion needed to know that there is no salvation for anyone who refuses to accept that forgiveness is through Christ’s sacrifice alone. That does not mean that a person cannot later change his mind and again make Jesus his Savior but during the period when he is rejecting the saving power of Jesus’ sacrifice, there is no longer any sacrifice that will cover his sin. Hebrews 10 warns those who “deliberately continually keep on sinning” but even if a person keeps falling, no one who wants to stop sinning can be said to be deliberately continuing to sin. There are more spectacular testimonies to come but the following simple testimony is from Andy. I started going to church at eight years old. I had a commitment to Christ but for many, many years it was not very deep. I came back to Christ in 2002 after being obsessively worried about my health. I kept worrying I had a certain condition, despite medical tests proving I was fine. I turned back to the Lord in a big way, seeking his forgiveness for my many years of being very immature and distant in my faith. I beat myself up over the past, despite the Lord undoubtedly putting two texts in front of me on multiple occasions: Philippians 3:14 . . . Forgetting what is behind . . . Isaiah 43:18 Forget the former things . . . These verses would give me peace for about ten minutes before I would dismiss them and return to worrying about my past sins. After about five years, my faith grew cold and for a number of reasons my marriage broke up and I have now remarried. I lived away from the Church for eight years but very recently I suspected I had prostate problems (despite on-going worries, all the medical tests say there is no problem). This worry made me consider my life and what would happen to me when I died. I had known Hebrews 6:4-6 and I felt I fell into that category where I was lost from God for good. I began obsessively looking through the Internet to find reassurance. It has become clear to me, however, that I am taking this portion of Scripture out of context and that I should instead be concentrating on the parable of the prodigal son. During my searches, I was struck by your pages on Scrupulosity . It hit me that I look for God’s confirmation multiple times and yet I should stop this and simply trust him that I am forgiven. I should believe God!!!!! I have printed out the prayer in your webpage about accepting the reality of Jesus’ power to forgive all sin and his eagerness to do so, and refusing to seek confirmation of this. I am going to use this statement of faith on a daily basis because you are right that obsessive thinking is the root of my troubles and this condition is being used by Satan to attack me. I have also commenced medical treatment for the problem (medication and Cognitive Behavioral Therapy) and I will try to use the techniques outlined in your webpages. I have returned to the church I left eight years ago and have been received with open arms. Warning: To keep seeking reassurance from people will end up being futile for you and for them. Instead, keep putting into practice the vast amount of support provided in these webpages. Important: Get your pastor and those who care about you to read Scrupulosity  and the pages it leads to. Few will be able to understand and support you without reading them. The Beginning The only way to not miss any of this feast of uplifting webpages about false guilt is to start at Feeling Condemned? There’s Hope!   and follow each link. You won't regret it! Feeling Rejected by God  An important part of this series of webpages Unforgivable?   The part of the series that deals with the unforgivable sin Testimonies   They thought they were unforgivable

Praising God for Disgusting Thoughts, Unwanted Fears, Worries and Feeling Unforgivable Ephesians 2:8-9 For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith – and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God – not by works, so that no one can boast. Kristina’s Testimony I was born again at 16. I literally saw the light people see when they die and I  knew  it was Jesus. I had an amazing conversion from dead religion to an awesome journey of answered prayers – often answered to the very letter of my request. Not long after I was saved, however, while I was falling asleep, I was hit hard with the fear of the unforgivable sin. Before long I was terrified of my own thoughts. Disgusting things would plague my mind and I was petrified that I was beyond forgiveness. I had developed religious OCD (scrupulosity). I could not even have a normal conversation without stopping to “fix” a bad thought. I was a disaster. Tormented severely, I used to call prayer lines; fearing I had somehow committed the unforgivable sin. Pastors would say, “If you committed the unpardonable sin, you would not care about having done so.” I wanted to believe that, but I couldn’t. Instead of believing in Jesus’ power to forgive  all  sin, I wanted a peaceful feeling or something. After going through a tortuous time during college I cried out to God continuously for help. I was tormented night and day. I literally wrote letters to God with cries for help. I thought I would end up in the looney farm. I could not see any way out. I specifically prayed that God would put a person in my life who had endured, and overcome, the same thing that was plaguing me. Three days later, I met a woman outside a hair salon. Anna told me that she struggled with the same thing, but was able to overcome it by grace. “Grace is just saying thank you to God,” she said. “Why am I suffering this?” I asked. She replied, “God wants to teach you to receive grace.” I was clueless as to what that meant. I had been caught up by legalism and thought I had to be perfect in my thoughts and words to be acceptable to God. I was missing the whole point of the cross. Two parables – the parable of the prodigal son and the parable of the sin-riddled tax collector who “went home justified before God” simply because he asked for mercy (Luke 18:10-14) – have finally helped me break free from the flawed thinking of trusting in my own performance. For both of these people, their only hope of restoration with God was God’s mercy alone – his faithfulness not theirs. And Jesus told these parables because God’s mercy always wins. I love the verse “mercy triumphs over judgment” (James 2:13). I had not understood grace while I was tormented. I was very hard on myself. I thought God just wanted me to be perfect. In reality none of us can be perfect in our thoughts or behavior. That is why for all of us the cross is our only hope of right standing with God. Even though initially I had trusted Christ to save me, the enemy had tried to get me to put my faith in myself instead of Christ. I had become like the Galatians that Paul wrote his letter to. They had started off with faith in Christ alone but, to Paul’s horror, they had slipped back into trying to gain God’s approval by their own efforts (Galatians 3:1-5). Like them, I had been duped into living under law instead of under grace. Martin Luther, John Bunyan, and St. Augustine also struggled with scrupulosity/OCD and learned this wonderful truth. Understanding grace is the only thing that provided real peace and rest for their souls. God’s grace and mercy are the only way out. Grace is “undeserved favor.” How refreshing! It is truly good news. Grace provides rest. That’s what trusting in the cross alone does. Trusting in our own good works or good thoughts is putting ourselves under the law without realizing it. Legalism provides no hope or rest because we are all flawed – whether we realize it or not. Legalism is bad news. It puts all of the focus on us and our performance. Jesus paid our bill in full. It is finished! Jesus won all our battles! He slayed every giant we will ever face. That is grace! We can’t do it. That is why God did it by his own hand and it is why we must tell God, “I can’t save myself, but no matter how hopeless I am, you have done all it takes to save me completely.” His Word says so. That is why we can rejoice and give thanks in all circumstances. Even when bad thoughts come, we can praise God for them because an overcomer crown awaits us. These are some of the Scriptures I had to keep holding on to, despite my fear about being unforgivable: John 6:37   . . . whoever comes to me I will never drive away. John 6:44  No one can come to me unless the Father who sent me draws him [Despite all the turmoil going on inside me, my desire to come to Jesus is proof that God is drawing me to him.] Mark 10:26-27  The disciples were even more amazed, and said to each other, “Who then can be saved?” Jesus looked at them and said, “With man this is impossible, but not with God; all things are possible with God.” Matthew 11:28  Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. The Lord also made me aware that before I could totally be free of the torment I needed to completely forgive others. Jesus’ parable talks about the unforgiving servant being handed over to torturers until the matter was resolved (Matthew 18:34). God has taught me to pray mercy on others first and then I can receive mercy. Through forgiving our enemies we become more like Christ. Forgiving others is a choice, not a feeling. If we wrongly think that God is reluctant to forgive, we are likely to be reluctant to forgive. The positive side, however, is that if we are willing to forgive others, it will reinforce in our mind how willing God – who is more loving than us – is to forgive us. I truly believe that by me holding on to bitterness I had let the enemy mess with my head. Yes, forgiving everyone, including ourselves, is important. Give grace to yourself and others. If God can give you grace, why can’t you give it to yourself and others? Grace cannot be earned. It is a free gift, received only by those who know they can never be good enough on their own. Humility is the key to receiving like a little child. We all will be tempted, endure trials, and face “giants.” Religious OCD is like Goliath; it looks scary and big, but God is BIGGER! With God’s help and faith in him, the OCD giant can be knocked down. The key is to focus on God’s ability; not our own ability. I thank God that, no matter how abandoned I sometimes felt, the reality is that God did not leave me for a second, but lovingly drew me closer. God taught me to praise him through the battle. So when a bad thought comes I think, “Wow, the enemy is reminding me to worship God!” I think about the cross and start thanking him for winning the battle for my mind. No matter what ugly thoughts afflict me and try to distract me, I start praising God instead of trying to fix the bad thought. Pretty soon, I start singing, “Jesus won my battle, Jesus won my battle, Jesus won the battle for my mind.” Especially when you feel riddled with guilt and condemnation and you feel as if God wants nothing to do with you and that you are beyond forgiveness and your mind is continually flooded not only with doubts but with the vilest and most defiling thoughts and images about God, the slightest praise takes enormous faith and effort. It is like being asked to run when you feel too exhausted to walk. But no matter how hard it is, and how artificial and hypocritical it feels, we can force ourselves. Praise really works because it takes our eyes off ourselves and onto the cross, where he alone purchased our victory. It might take a long while before we start seeing the benefits. It will eventually result in relief and joy but people with OCD are unlikely ever to feel better without abandoning slavery to feelings. They must be determined to keep on praising God even when it not only does not help them feel better but makes them feel considerably worse. We must do it in faith that God loves us so much that our pathetic efforts to praise him gives him pleasure – no matter how hopeless and unloved we  feel  and how tempted we are to imagine that our ugly thoughts defile the whole process. We should be determined to keep it up even if we continue to be flooded with false feelings of despair and hopelessness. Focus is everything. If we keep focusing day after day on the problem – ourselves – the problem keeps getting bigger in our eyes. If, however, we keep re-focusing on God’s amazing grace, then it is grace, not the problem, that gradually grows bigger in our eyes. It is like ever so slowly zooming in with a microscope. Praise and worship are powerful weapons. The walls of Jericho fell with praise and worship. David slayed the giant who was harassing and tormenting God’s chosen people by having faith in God, fully leaning on, and trusting in, God’s grace alone. Grace is the answer. I really believe we are to give thanks in  all  circumstances (1 Thessalonians 5:18) because this shows God we truly trust him. It takes great faith to thank him for OCD. It takes endurance and perseverance. It requires a stubborn commitment to cooperating with God. Isn’t that exactly what he wants? Isn’t that why we have weaknesses? Isn’t it so that we rely on him not ourselves? Isn’t that grace? We cannot, but God can! With humans it is impossible, but with God  all  things are possible. I used to believe I had to think about God and nothing else in order to walk with him. What a lie! Becoming a parent has changed my perspective, helping me see things as Father God sees them. He is good and wants the best for us. I would never demand that my kids think only of me every moment of every day. I had taken Scripture to an extreme, instead of seeing it the way our loving God intended. I now understand that God wants us not only to work, but also to rest and play. We need to give ourselves permission to do this. I am learning to trust God more. I am now a happily married woman with three kids. Occasionally, I still struggle with bad thoughts, but I keep remembering that Jesus died for  all  sins and that to be forgiven we must believe this. That is it: simple, child-like faith. The peace and joy I have now is amazing! If God could do it for Anna, Martin Luther, John Bunyan, St. Augustine, and me, God can and will do it for you. Keep pressing into him and praising. I must emphasize, however, that it took years for me to get where I am today. I am now 42 and my OCD started at 18. Renewing our mind takes much time and effort. We must be willing to endure and not expect quick changes, nor to look to our feelings or circumstances as indications that God is with us. Conclusion By Grantley Morris 24 years have passed since Kristina begun suffering with religious OCD and even now she is still hit by the occasional unwanted thought. Kristina is living proof of two things that need emphasizing: 1.  It would be a mistake to expect instant deliverance from disgusting, anti-God thoughts and oppressive feelings and fears and worries. The Lord does not want to have to insult you by perpetually babying you; artificially propping up your faith by signs and feelings and circumstances as he sometimes does for baby Christians. It would be a source of great shame if the Lord thought your faith and commitment were so weak that they would disintegrate without such artificial props. Your God believes in you. He believes you have what it takes to honor him by living by raw faith alone and that you can keep resisting powerful temptations to imagine God has abandoned you, even though you can no longer feel him and instead feel spiritually cold and distant and condemned and overwhelmed by unwanted thoughts and doubts. To do that takes real faith and God believes you are capable of such faith. 2.  Being plagued by atrociously repulsive thoughts about God and swamped with awful feelings of guilt and condemnation and doubts and fears of being unforgivable need not spoil a beautiful relationship with God. The Lord is not fazed by any of these. On the contrary, he is thrilled if you keep praising him even when your prayers and praises are so attacked that they are mixed with blasphemous thoughts and images. The very act of praising him while suffering such thoughts and images and feelings and doubts is a precious act of faith that the blood of Christ truly cleanses us from all sin. Displaying this faith both delights and honors your Savior. It is important that you keep reading these webpages. There is so much more that you need to get deep into your spirit so that you will be as unfazed by these attacks as God is. Next Testimony Blasphemous Thoughts Important: Get your pastor and those who care about you to read Scrupulosity and the pages it leads to. Few will be able to understand and support you without reading them. The Beginning The only way to not miss any of this feast of uplifting webpages about false guilt is to start at Feeling Condemned? There’s Hope! and follow each link. You won't regret it! Feeling Rejected by God  An important part of this series of webpages Unforgivable?   The part of the series that deals with the unforgivable sin Testimonies   They thought they were unforgivable

Natural Cures for Anxiety-Related Illnesses Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (O. C. D.), Depression, Panic Attacks, Agoraphobia Do you keep doubting that Christ has forgiven your every sin, despite repeated reassurances from such people as pastors? Or do you keep worrying over unwanted thoughts that plague you? If either applies to you, then you are suffering from what is known as Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD). This affliction, which can take other forms besides the religious, is so common and debilitating that it has generated much medical and scientific research. These investigations affirm that if you suffer this affliction, chances are that it is because your body is low in an essential substance, such as a vitamin or mineral or something similar. There is much scientific evidence that many psychological afflictions, such as Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, panic disorder, agoraphobia and clinical depression, are related to serotonin levels in one’s brain chemistry. The main focus of this webpage is OCD. If you suffer from any of the other conditions just listed, the possibilities mentioned below might work, but I urge extra caution, especially in the case of depression. If at all possible, talk it over with a doctor. If you genuinely cannot afford a doctor or any other health professional, at least do as thorough an Internet search as you can. The class of medication commonly called anti-depressants but more correctly known as Selective Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitors (SSRIs) can in some people cause a marked improvement. As with any medication, however, people differ as to how much they benefit and whether they suffer any side-effects. Another complication is that certain Christians, for somewhat illogical, almost superstitious reasons, feel uncomfortable about taking medication to aid one’s psychological well-being, even though they have no qualms about taking other chemicals (such as vitamins and minerals) to boost their physical and psychological well-being. A Natural Alternative to Medication Research suggests there are alternative ways – such as vitamins and minerals – of correcting medical disorders associated with one’s brain chemistry. One likely possibility is inositol. A carbohydrate about half the sweetness of table sugar, it occurs naturally throughout the human body and in many foods. It plays an essential role in how cells communicate with each other. Once regarded as a member of the vitamin B complex (B8), inositol has been reclassified, simply because the human body can produce inositol. There are strong theoretical reasons for suspecting that inositol can help with anxiety-related illnesses such as OCD because, as Wikipedia states, “serotonin activity modulation” are among inositol’s many vital functions. It goes on to say, “Some preliminary results of studies on high-dose inositol supplements show promising results for people suffering from problems such as bulimia, panic disorder, obsessive-compulsive disorder, agoraphobia, and unipolar and bipolar depression . . . In a single double-blind study on 13 patients, myo-inositol (18 grams daily) has been found to reduce the symptoms of obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) significantly, with effectiveness equal to SSRIs [antidepressants] and virtually without side-effects.” What first drew my attention to the healing power of inositol was a highly enthusiastic e-mail from a reader of my pages about Religious Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (scrupulosity). Michael was so thrilled about the transformation that inositol had apparently brought to his life that he was most keen that I tell everyone, even though doing so was of no personal benefit to himself. After sharing his experience, I’ll provide a more sober assessment and discuss other possible helps: After six months completely free of any type of scrupulosity (religious OCD) I have to report that the missing link is inositol. I’m a fan of herbs and vitamins, but inositol is no regular supplement; it’s a life changer. Brain scans confirm that OCD occurs when the brain is abnormally overactive. It’s as if when I have OCD my brain is overheating and inositol is the water that puts out the fire. I saw a licensed counselor who happened to be a Christian and an expert on scrupulosity. He isn’t biased by any drug manufacturer and has actually suffered from scrupulosity himself, had brain scans done and understands it quite well. I am convinced that it is through taking inositol that the disgusting thoughts that used to bombard my brain no longer torment me but are now processed in another way. These days, if I get a bad thought I am able to see it for its silliness and disregard it. But it’s more than a mere deflection. As a car that keeps racing gets worn out, so a human brain that keeps racing exhausts the person. So now, because of the peace I feel, I have incredible energy as well as freedom. In Israel, they often prescribe inositol for O.C.D., rather than anti-depressants. I’m not referring to a couple of 500mg inositol pills, but 10 grams a day. [Some studies have used slightly higher dosages.] It’s simple: you just get a bucket of it, scoop in tablespoons full, mix and drink. It has virtually no taste. It does not drug people; it restores them by correcting an abnormality in their body chemistry. Some scientific studies suggest that, in large doses, inositol is more effective than anti-depressants. I think of it this way: without vitamin C, I’ll suffer scurvy; without vitamin D, I’ll suffer brittle bones; without inositol, I’ll suffer OCD. The benefits should be shouted upon the rooftops! If you don’t tell others about this I’ll be greatly disappointed! Disclaimers & Further Information Before saying a little more about Inositol, I would like to share the experience of another friend, Sarah, who suffers from anxiety: I don’t think Inositol works for me. Instead, I tried Magnolia Bark Extract for about three weeks and it completely took away my anxiety. When I went to bed, or rested during the day, there was no annoying anxiety and I fell asleep quickly. It also relaxed my body and took away the clenched fists that I have had for years. The downside, however, is that I started getting a very bad rash on my hands and my back and also my head began feeling peculiar – as if my brain were expanding or something. I had to get medication (an antihistamine and a cream) to sort it out. Magnolia Bark is believed to affect GABA (Gamma Aminobutyric Acid) levels, which in turn are thought to affect anxiety levels. Since Gotu Kola is also believed to affect GABA, I switched to it, but the result was the same as Magnolia Bark, so I stopped. Then I tried Inositol but my anxiety returned. I tried Magnolia Bark again and quickly calmed. I am thinking of just reducing the dosage. I’ve also ordered some pure GABA to see how I react to that. I am going to keep trying alternatives until I get the result I want without the rash. I guessed that her side effects were an uncommon reaction but I looked it up on the Internet. I only visited three sites and although I found no reference to her particular side effects I was alarmed by what I read: “Magnolia is POSSIBLY SAFE for most people when used short-term. The safety of magnolia use for more than 6 weeks is unknown” (www.webmd.com/vitamins-supplements/ingredientmono-188-magnolia.aspx?activeingredientid=188&activeingredientname;=magnolia). Another site warns that certain substances in magnolia bark “may cause respiratory paralysis. It is also toxic to small children and infants, even in small doses” (www.livestrong.com/article/172755-side-effects-magnolia-bark-extract/). Another website www.vitaminsestore.com/magnolia-bark-benefits-reviews-side-effects-and-dosage/), despite stating that “there is no standard recommended dosage,” mentions 300mg three times a day and says, “the herb is considered safe when taken at optimum or lower dosage levels.” It adds that overdose may lead to “serious side effects such as vertigo and paralysis,” and states that it must be avoided in children, people with kidney ailments and in pregnant women (for whom it “may cause uterine contraction and miscarriage”). It also says magnolia extracts “must be avoided at least two weeks prior to a surgical procedure.” Additionally, it warns that it interacts with alcohol, barbiturates, CNS depressants and Benzodiazepines. I’ve made only a very superficial web search of side effects but it’s enough for me to urge significant caution. I warn that I have no medical expertise, and more research is needed on inositol and other “natural” treatments. A frustrating problem with “natural” cures is that if drug companies cannot patent it, there is much less motivation to conduct high quality scientific research to confirm the benefits. Some studies suggest that drinking coffee and prolonged use of antibiotics might contribute to inositol deficiency. Some practitioners suggest combining inositol with a similarly common and important nutrient: choline. Through getting to know large numbers of sufferers, I’ve noticed that the chemical imbalance causing OCD is not necessarily constant. Some people have bad bouts separated by sometimes years or even decades of normality. So you might possibly not need to take inositol for life but if you eventually decide to risk no longer taking it, taper off very slowly and remain alert for the slightest indication that you should increase the dosage again. As a safeguard, it is best to let friends and loved ones know. They might notice you beginning to slip back into OCD before you do. Not needing inositol is no achievement. It simply means your body has regained equilibrium, and is likely to go out of whack again sometime in the future. Empowered by the boost the inositol gave, Michael was able to have the mental clarity to use other mental techniques to fight OCD. He eventually felt so well that he stopped taking inositol for quite a while. Long after he wrote the above report about inositol, he told me, “I bought some inositol powder yesterday. I will use it for maintenance. It’s amazing how subtle scrupulosity is. Unwanted thoughts are starting to come back. I was getting proud thinking I have scrupulosity licked.” The way to overcome an imbalance in brain’s chemistry is not through mental gymnastics but by taking something to correct the physical disorder. It is important to realize that it is impossible for “natural” to always mean safe. Life-threatening food allergies are proof that there is virtually no substance in existence that someone somewhere does not suffer a serious reaction to. A sip of orange juice could kill a friend of mine. For someone else it could be a trace of wheat or a nut or something else that is not only absolutely safe but deliciously nutritious for billions of people. Because inositol is water soluble, there is a good chance of even mega-doses not accumulating in the body. However, inositol has been found to have interactions with certain drugs. I found a webpage that, to a medical ignoramus like me, seems a balanced and sobering evaluation of the side effects. (Sadly, the page is no longer available) It certainly lists more possible side effects that most other websites. On the other hand, as this article points out, there are possible physical benefits , or if you like, beneficial side effects, in addition to helping anxiety-related illnesses. Possibilities (still to be rigorously confirmed) include improving liver function by preventing the accumulation of fat in the liver, improving cholesterol levels, assisting the production of healthy cells in the bone marrow, intestines and eye membranes, and helping to prevent or even improve diabetic nerve disorders. There are claims it may treat or prevent cancer. Inositol plays a role in hair growth and some men taking inositol supplements have even reported less hair loss! Obviously the safest course is to seek expert monitoring, should you consider taking inositol. I suggest building up to 10-18 mg slowly so that one’s body adjusts. A high dosage, for example, sometimes causes diarrhoea. Also, some people discover they only need a lower dose. Before concluding that it is of no help, however, I suggest building up to the high dose and continuing for four to six weeks. Do not expect the total eradication of OCD. In rare instances, the results can be spectacular but the effect does not have to be dramatic for it to be beneficial. It is worth taking even if one is merely a little less freaked out by unwanted thoughts or feels a little calmer and more able to look at the issue rationally. This can then give a boost to other techniques, such as cognitive therapy. For your interest, I’ll insert here another favorable response I’ve received but I stress that reactions to medication varies from person to person. So at the end of the day, what really matters is what works for you. I had reached out for help earlier this year and you correctly identified my problem as Religious OCD. I just wanted to update you on my life. I am leaving in five hours for another two and a half month trip to Cambodia to run a couple of Alpha courses in the province of Kampong Chhnang and serve in any other way I can to show the love of Jesus in a practical way. I wanted you to know that your suggestion to try Inositol has changed my life . I have not crossed over into a dark and hopeless place in over two months. It’s not that negative thoughts don’t cross my mind, it’s just that they’re negative with a small “n” not a “N” and I’m able to say, “That’s not true,” and counter with truth and not go into a pit I can’t get out of. This has literally been a game changer for me! I feel hopeful and encouraged even when my circumstances aren’t the best. The love, forgiveness and sense that God is for me – not against me – is very accessible. Thank you not only for great coaching and an awesome library I continue to feast on – but for encouraging me to try Inostitol. I can’t believe the results! Other Possible Helps I once e-mailed someone saying that if they had an iron deficiency, most people would have few qualms about taking a supplement to correct it, so why should anyone have a double standard when it comes to treating a serotonin deficiency (the function of most anti-depressants)? Ironically, I learned soon after that an iron deficiency (even a slight one) can increase anxiety. This has obvious implications for any anxiety-related illness, be it O.C.D., excessive fear, or whatever. As with virtually everything, one needs to be careful, because too much iron can be as dangerous to health as too little. A quick Internet search reveals that a chromium deficiency (common among people who consume large amounts of alcohol or refined sugars) can also contribute to anxiety. Brewer’s Yeast is a rich source of chromium. Calcium and magnesium are important, too. Calcium is a calmative, and magnesium is needed to absorb it. Adequate levels of potassium and selenium are likewise important for low anxiety. Garlic, along with essential fatty acids such as flaxseed oil and fish oil, have also been suggested to help relieve anxiety. B-group vitamins are considered important in reducing anxiety levels. In fact, vitamin B9 (folic acid) vitamin B6 (pyridoxine) are both believed to affect serotonin levels. In response to an earlier draft of this webpage, Allison shared her experience: I discovered I have a B12 Deficiency and once I started giving myself B12 shots every week, my depression went away, along with all the excess sleeping I was doing. I didn’t take it regularly for a month or so and my anxiety revved up. I am now back on it and seem to be doing better again. I was on anti-depressants for about 11 years, and I was exhausted all the time, they made me gain weight and did not relieve my depression, even though I tried many different kinds. I believe that prescribed medications can be good if you manage to find the right one for you, but no matter what the substance, different people will react differently. At the very least, why not try a multivitamin with a full range of minerals for a month or so and see if you notice any improvement. My nephew, who suffers from anxiety, was regularly doing this but a blood test proved he needed still more iron to correct his iron deficiency. Just to emphasize how we all differ, however, a close friend cannot take normal multivitamin supplements because she is allergic to a common ingredient in multivitamins. A doctor once urged me to take an especially expensive form of multivitamins and minerals that were meant to be particularly “natural”. He was afterward horrified to discover that the soils where my doctor and I live are unusually rich in copper and since this gets into food grown in them I could be suffering from too much copper. Copper was one of the minerals in the supplement he suggested! So despite all the medical advances, there are so many variables that there is often a need for prayer and patient trial and error in discovering what will be most effective for each individual. If you might have O.C.D. and have not already read Scrupulosity: Obsessive Compulsive Disorder and the pages it leads to, it is important to do so, because this affliction is best treated by combining a number of different techniques in addition to medical. For further help with depression, see When Things Get Tough: Handling Discouragement, Depression or Apparent Failure a nd the pages it leads to. For more from the man who first drew my attention to inositol: When you Cannot Stop Bad Thoughts: Scrupulosity Testimony Next Page: The Real Reason for Blasphemous Thoughts

Scrupulosity Testimony * Fear of being unforgivable put me in a mental hospital 13 times * So overwhelmed by damning thoughts that I was bed-ridden for eight months Amazingly, the keys to resolving Michael’s battle with terrifyingly blasphemous thoughts were: * Taking what used to be called vitamin B8 * Chatting to God as a friend about the very thoughts he feared made God furious and made him God’s sworn enemy * Learning to laugh at the terrifying attack Michael shares his story: My grandmother had Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD). I remember her going around the house and checking every window lock, and then checking them again. I grew up in an agnostic household, and was never allowed to read the Bible. At seventeen, I read the Bible and was dramatically changed by the Lord. From the moment I read in Matthew about the unforgivable sin, however, I was a ticking time bomb. While on the sofa one day, words entered into my mind involving swearing profanely about the Holy Spirit. I was terrified. Fear so deep gripped my heart that I ran down the hallway, yelling. Convinced that I had committed the unforgivable sin, agony consumed me. After some time, I became aware of the Lord’s presence, so I thought, “I must not have committed that sin after all! Just don’t think anything bad or God will leave you.” So, of course, bad thoughts and ideas came to me in every shape and form – grossly unchristian thoughts about the devil, terrible thoughts about God, and bad thoughts about just about everything else. I could barely live with the thoughts. I was terrified even to get into a car, lest I have a bad thought and panic. This fear put me into a mental hospital 13 times. When I was a kid, the psychiatrist diagnosed me with anxiety and gave medication to treat it. That particular medication was not as well understood back then as it is now. He would get me up to a high dose and I would feel better, so he would drop me off cold, making everything worse from withdrawals. I lost three years of my life in torment. I improved when I moved somewhat away from the Lord since, in my mind, he was the source of stress. I listened to secular music, and started working. I still had thoughts come. When I would try to say in my mind, “Praise the Lord,” I would think, “Praise the d.....,” then catch myself and say THE LORD. But that was about it. I became mentally strong, still served the Lord, but did not study the Bible every day nor go to church constantly like before. Fast forward to 2006. It started as a great year. I was forty, had a successful business, a wonderful house, got engaged, and attended Monday night Bible studies. I was very happy. During those Monday night studies, however, bad thoughts would enter my mind as we read the Bible. I now understand that it was not that I had any bad thoughts of my own; rather I feared I would think bad thoughts, and this fear brought them to me. Nevertheless, these thoughts haunted me. By about October, I was getting terrifyingly unchristian thoughts about the devil. By Christmas, I was a wreck. My fiancé left me and I end up literally bed-ridden for the next eight or so months. Aside from ordering food to be delivered to me, I would do little but lie on the bed, plagued by the worst thoughts of my life. You name it; I thought it – all because I feared it. For example, when I learned that we are created to glorify God, even though I understood it, I feared I would think that it is wrong for God to demand our praise. I did not really believe this about God, but I feared I would think it, so the thoughts came. I also avoided reading anything about the devil, for I feared I might think something wrong about him, and I feared that such a thought would send God away. I would call pastors and ask them question after question. At the end of eight months, while I was still confined to bed, one of them visited me. By now I had no money left, was getting evicted and was terrified. The pastor recommended a doctor willing to see me for free. The doctor thought I was bi-polar. I was not, but she gave me medication known to be effective with anxiety disorders. (I had not grasped at the time that my torment was a manifestation of scrupulosity – also known as religious OCD – and scrupulosity is an anxiety disorder.) All of a sudden I was well. The medication took away my irrational fear, and scrupulosity is driven by fear. With the fear gone, I could think rationally, though I was still wary. Within a month I had started a successful online business and rented an expensive house. After a few months, however, the doctor took me off the medication and the scrupulosity returned, along with all the mental torment. I ended up broke. I lost my car and everything else. I rented a little room and twice was almost evicted. My big mistake was in not realizing that the thoughts were symptoms of an illness (scrupulosity). So in my ignorance I focused on the thoughts. It was as if I felt I had to prove to God that I didn’t believe these thoughts, so I studied all day, every day, joined Christian forums and debated to try to prove to God and myself how strongly I believed the truth about God. But the torment continued. In desperation, I kept researching what I was suffering from and finally found out about inositol, a vitamin-like substance occurring naturally in the body. In my case, inositol has proved more effective in lowering scrupulosity than prescribed medication, with none of the side effects. For me, inositol is a dream come true. It does not drug people; it restores them by correcting an abnormality in their body chemistry. By bringing my body chemistry closer to normality, I could think clearer. It countered the tendency, common to everyone with scrupulosity, of my mind playing tricks on me. It was so effective that I beg everyone with scrupulosity to seriously pray about using it. I believe in taking it in powder form and I took at least 10 grams a day. It is sometimes recommended that people slowly build up to that high dose and that some people only need a lower dose but going straight to the high dose worked fine for me. A high dose might initially cause diarrhea but my body soon adjusted. For more about inositol, see Natural Cures for Anxiety Related Illnesses . Although I was not as incapacitated as before, I visited a counselor who himself had suffered from scrupulosity in the past. He showed me brain scans of people with OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder – scrupulosity is one form of it) and explained that for those of us who have OCD, the part of our brain that feeds thoughts is overactive but the part that receives these thoughts and should be able to dismiss irrelevant ones under-reacts. The result is being flooded with too many thoughts coming in all at once, and not being able to adequately process them. When we are fearful we become like a broken information processor. Knowing how the brain works in people with OCD helped me realize that this is physical problem rather than a spiritual one. The counselor wanted me to try Exposure Therapy, where I write down all of the worst thoughts/ideas/concepts that trouble me, and then on a regular basis read them out loud to someone whose spiritual opinion I trust, such as a pastor. The idea is that by revealing my thoughts to that person, and him calmly accepting them, would diminish the power of these thoughts to instill fear. Unfortunately, this went disastrously because my pastor did not understand. So I decided I would try the ultimate Exposure Therapy – to present my thoughts to God himself and just talk to him about them. I would tell the Lord exactly what I thought – no matter how repulsive it was, saying, “This thought has come into my mind. You know I don’t believe that thought.” This approached proved a great success. Something else I’ve found helpful is to distract myself when I sense a doubt or unwanted thought beginning to bother me. Instead of stressing over it and focusing on it, I do best to relax and focus on something else. I redirect my concerns to finances, work, or something else of concern to me, or go online and engage in some debate. This gets my mind off an unhealthy obsession with spiritual things. By clearing my mind and lowering my irrational fears, inositol has made it easier for me to successfully employ such techniques. Most of us with scrupulosity are very serious people. We have very sensitive hearts and are deep thinkers. So it is very helpful to try to find whatever form of fun appeals – sport, funny movies, whatever is light-hearted and fun. By doing such things, sometimes we can lose ourselves in fun and look at our worries and just think, “What a waste of time”. To this day I still get intrusive thoughts, especially when I’m tired. When I am tired, fear increases and the brain is foggy. That is a perfect breeding ground for scrupulosity. The difference now is that when thoughts come that previously would have freaked me out; I laugh and say, “Lord, isn’t that scrupulosity horrible!” or just mentally, “That scrupulosity is a joke!” What makes scrupulosity so distressing is when we wrongly presume the thoughts belong to us, just because they whirl around in our brains and we have an emotional response to them. It is important to refuse to let yourself believe that you are evil – the blood of Jesus cleanses you from all sin – and to keep believing that as much as it seems as if the thoughts belong to you, they really don’t, and they are simply a mental infirmity. I say to those who have suffer from blasphemous thoughts: don’t lose heart, rather rejoice! Think about it: do those who hate God care if they think bad thoughts about God? No, only true Christians are concerned – and some of us with OCD are even so concerned that we worry whether we are concerned enough! There is no actual need for concern. Instead, prayerfully locate a good counsellor who understands religious OCD. Without help, it is likely to get even worse. Scrupulosity is like an endless circle that you can’t get out of. If you don’t finish the thought, you feel guilty. If you do finish the thought, you feel guilty. You cannot win while you fall into the trap of believing that your guilt feelings are from God. I know that if my faith is in Jesus and not in some false god or in my own attempts to please God, no sin is beyond the power of Jesus’ forgiveness. All of my sins have been taken away and nailed to the cross, but that doesn’t stop me from suffering scrupulosity, because fear is very powerful. Fear will overcome logic and Bible knowledge every time. Understanding the nature of scrupulosity helps, however. If, whenever an unwanted thought occurs, you can bring yourself to say, “This is just a mental joke,” it will begin to lose its power. I find it helpful to keep handy a little sheet with just a few facts. Mine contains some quotes from this website and some quotes from the Bible – not many, but just enough to remind myself that what I am facing is just a mental issue and that I’m fine spiritually. Since scrupulosity is the doubting disease, my brain will ask, “Did I read that correctly?” This sheet allows me to reassure myself that I did read it correctly. My favorite quote from this website turns a negative into a positive. It goes something like this: Intrusive thoughts reveals people’s hearts by showing what they least want to think. Scrupulosity is driven by an overactive mind, an oversensitive heart, and the fear that this produces. If you suffer from scrupulosity, you are not alone. You join a great cast of godly people in St. Ignatius, Martin Luther, John Bunyan, and most likely millions of others who have suffered in silence or out of the public eye. You are sharing in Christ’s passion, by battling the temptation to doubt the power of the cross to forgive all sin. Looking back, it seems as if no one has suffered for the Lord more than me. I would have chosen any other form of torment just to have a sound mind. Nevertheless, I am blessed to have suffered this. I did not suffer in vain. All things work together for ultimate good to those who love the Lord. We are to “glory” in our sufferings. The promise to share in Christ’s glory only applies if we share in his sufferings (Romans 8:17). Some of us, living in nice circumstances don’t have the opportunity to suffer as Paul and others have, but in scrupulosity we have the perfect suffering tool. Ask people with scrupulosity, “Would you rather have scrupulosity, or have cancer and be filled with assurance of God’s approval?” I guarantee they all would rather have cancer with assurance. That shows how intense our suffering is and if we did not care about God we would feel no torment in this. Have you read Bunyan’s, Grace Abounding to the Chief of Sinners ”? I found it comical him being tormented by the thought of “selling Christ”. It was dead serious to him, however. He wrote, “I could neither eat my food nor stoop down to pick up my clothes but the thought still came, ‘sell Christ’. To him this was horrific, but when we look at it, we might well wonder, how can anyone sell Christ? We are embarrassed by our thoughts and most likely have never told anyone, so it’s good to write them down, then re-visit them later so we can see them at a different angle. If you can see them when you are not scared but you are in a great mood you might see how silly it is to worry about such thoughts. The webpages listed at Feeling Condemned? There’s Hope! helped me lot, especially those from Scrupulosity: The Help You Need on. They explained to me that I wasn’t nuts and helped me see that I wasn’t the blasphemous person I thought I was. Looking back: I don’t know how I survived. I thought I was the most awful of persons. I used to beg God, telling him to give me cancer rather than be plagued with those thoughts. I wouldn’t wish what I suffered on the worst of people and yet much good has come out of it and I thank God for the suffering. Grantley’s Comments Medication – or the natural alternative, inositol – had a very dramatic effect on Michael. It allowed him to think more clearly which then empowered him to successfully employ other beneficial techniques in restoring his mind. He is desperate for you not to take as long as he did to realize that those horrible thoughts were generated not by him but by a chemical imbalance that plays havoc with one’s thinking. If you have thoughts that disturb you, do whatever it takes to cool them down. Take immediate action: see your doctor and correct the chemical imbalance. This is Not Enough As a physical therapist prescribes specific daily exercises in order to heal, I must prescribe daily reading of these webpages. There is a vast range to choose from but it should include: Scrupulosity Feel Condemned? How Much does God Love Me? Receiving Your Personal Revelation and all the pages the above links leads to. Next Testimony: Can You Find God Again After Falling From Grace?

There’s Hope! If what hounds you is not past sin but idiotic blunders, see Christian Help When Haunted by One’s Stupid Mistakes for compassionate support. Otherwise, please keep reading. As certain as it is that, like Jesus himself, his true followers will suffer temptation, so none of us can be a true Christian for long without suffering condemnation, feeling unforgivable, being hounded by strong guilt feelings, fearing we’ll end up in hell, or feeling unable to forgive ourselves. This is so inevitable and so bewildering – and for some of us even terrifying – that I would be letting Christians down had I not written extensively on this subject. You deserve the delight of knowing that God’s approving smile upon you. Nevertheless, it is vital to grasp that no matter how devastatingly real and intense the feeling, there is a vast difference between merely feeling guilty and actually being guilty. Likewise, there is a vast difference between having sinned in the past (no matter how recent or distant) and being rendered totally sinless in the eyes of God. Spiritual peace is not about lack of inner turmoil but about refusing to accept the turmoil as a genuine reason for concern and instead choosing to put all our faith in the pronouncements of the Holy Judge of all humanity. In the wilderness Jesus defeated the devil’s attempt to twist Scripture, not by examining every theological argument about the disputed Scripture, but simply by holding on to another Scripture whose meaning was clear. Seeing that Jesus was resolute in clinging to that Scripture, the devil left him, “for a season,” or as the NIV puts it, “until an opportune time” (Luke 4:13). We can expect no more than Jesus received. If you are resolute in holding on to Scripture’s affirmation that forgiveness and eternal life are available to everyone who seeks it through repentance and faith in Jesus Christ, the devil might eventually leave you – but only for a while. When you least expect it, wham! he’ll be back again, pouring on all the doubt and guilt and condemnation and emptiness and feelings that God has abandoned you – every powerfully convincing, deceptive feeling he can possibly muster. Salvation is through faith and this satanic attack is your opportunity to shine, by proving that your faith is in Jesus and not in deceptively powerful feelings that are inconsistent with the Word of God and with the heart of God. The devil is a loser because every time he attacks and you resist, your faith grows stronger. And faith is of infinite and eternal value. 1 John 3:19-20 This then is how we know that we belong to the truth, and how we set our hearts at rest in his presence whenever our hearts condemn us. For God is greater than our hearts, and he knows everything.

The Physical Side to Spiritual Warfare My friend Louise heroically battles both depression and satanic lies that God has rejected her. It is no surprise that she is under daily attack when you consider that she is a highly talented woman whose art, poetry and prose can touch the entire world for the glory of God and the Gospel, provided she continues to resist the strong oppression she suffers. Louise has discovered that to be best able to fight spiritual battles, she needs to take care of herself physically. She must watch what she eats and when she eats. Inadequate or irregular intake affects her mood and physical strength, which in turn can make her spiritually vulnerable. Likewise, she has learned that sufficient sleep is so important that, if necessary, she will even take medication to get it, rather than making herself vulnerable to attack. I would add that exercise is also important. It’s often hard to motivate ourselves to exercise and harder still when we are depressed but some studies suggest that exercise is as effective as antidepressants in lowering depression. “Food has a lot to do with victory,” Louise told me, “This I know for a fact as I see my own actions when I eat things which do not agree with me or fail to eat when I need to.” Does Louise’s observation sound unspiritual? Obviously spiritual factors like prayer, faith, fellowship, submission to God, and biblical understanding are critical, but the physical plays a role. After all, the same God who created the supernatural, created the natural. When God made us with physical bodies with physical needs, did he pronounce the result inferior? Creator God proudly declared it very good. We must not exalt the physical over the spiritual, but to downgrade the physical is to insult our Maker. Louise reminded me that Jesus fed thousands so that they would not collapse on the way home (Mark 8:3), and that through eating honey Jonathan was better able to fight the enemy than all those who fasted (1 Samuel 14:24-30). Other biblical examples abound. For instance, Jesus told us to pray every day for the provision of food (Matthew 6:11). The apostle Paul urged the men facing shipwreck to eat. “You need it to survive,” he pleaded, “Not one of you will lose a single hair from his head” (Acts 27:33-34). Then God answered his prayer that they all be saved. Elijah, afraid and depressed, flopped down under a tree and fell asleep. An angel appeared. That’s right, an angel gave him water and cooked him a meal. He let Elijah sleep still more and then gave him a second meal. This, combined later with a word from the Lord, was God’s answer to Elijah’s spiritual despondency. Overwork – insufficient sleep and recreation – has caused too many Christian leaders to burn out. The Bible even instructs married couples not to neglect the physical side of their union (1 Corinthians 7:3-5). In exceptional situations God may lead us to temporarily go without, but in general, neglecting the physical is a sign, not of being spiritual, but of straying from the God who created the physical. Sadly, even fresh fruit today has less vitamins than it used to, and medical research indicates a strong link between nutritional deficiencies and depression. For example, depression is one of the first symptoms of vitamin C deficiency. To avoid depression, an adequate absorption of B-complex vitamins is essential. It seems, for example, that vitamins B9 (folic acid) and B6 (pyridoxine) each affect serotonin levels in the brain. Serotonin is the very hormone targeted by anti-depressant medication. Other vitamin B deficiencies have also been linked to depression, as have deficiencies in calcium, magnesium, iron or potassium. Insufficient natural sunlight (normal artificial lighting is not enough) has repeatedly been found to be a significant cause of depression. This is believed to be why the shorter the daylight hours, the more suicide rates increase. Research has also indicated that exercise can be as powerful as anti-depressants in fighting depression. For more about the medical/nutritional side of depression see Natural Cures for Depression & Anxiety-Related Illnesses

Having surmounted enormous obstacles and years of preparation, Adoniram Judson arrived on the mission field. Seven hard years followed. All he had to show for it was one convert. It was about time he moved on to something more beneficial – peddling hair curlers at a Bald is Beautiful convention, developing waterproof pianos for people who sing in the shower, fitting parachutes to birds that are afraid of heights – anything but trying to win souls in Berma. One day a man came to his house looking for work and instead found Jesus, his Saviour. Another pin prick. But this one burst the balloon. The new convert became a powerful evangelist. Dozens, then hundreds, then thousands turned to the Lord. Within a century, over a quarter of a million Christians directly or indirectly owed their spiritual lives to Adoniram Judson. But that’s eternity’s view. Years after that key conversion, Adoniram’s life still seemed a waste. He was thrown into a death prison and chained to a granite block. Every night guards, ex-criminals themselves, hoisted his ankle fetters high above his head so that only his head and shoulders touched the ground. As he lay in appalling filth, almost every thought produced a new reason for despair. There were then only eighteen converts. Surely most, perhaps all, would fall away or be killed under the new outbreak of persecution. Years of struggle had produced a lone manuscript of a Burmese New Testament and his wife had smuggled it into prison. Any moment it could be discovered and destroyed. His relations with fellow missionaries had been marred by hurtful clashes. He had buried his only child. His own life hung by a thread. He feared for his darling, pregnant wife. ‘I came to bring life,’ he moaned, ‘and have brought nothing but death.’ After a year and a half of cruelty he was finally released. A brief reunion with his precious wife ended with him having to wrench himself from her to assist in political negotiations. Weeks turned to months. Before he could return to his wife, she was dead. Months later, death tore from him his only remaining child, the baby he had battled so hard to save. After two more years of mental deterioration, still numb with guilt over being absent when his wife most needed him, he dug a grave and lingered by it for days on end, his mind churning with morbid thoughts. ‘God is to me the Great Unknown,’ he concluded. ‘I believe in him, but I find him not.’ The mighty Lord hauled him up. He became one of the most admired missionaries of all time. Sadly, not everyone slogs through the tough ground-breaking years. David Flood’s solitary convert was just a child. When David’s wife died, discouragement won. Leaving his baby daughter, Aggie, with a missionary couple, young David left Africa – and the Lord. After the collapse of his second marriage he took in a mistress. Alcohol, poverty, illness and degradation tightened their deadly strangle-hold. As his abandoned daughter grew, married and served the Lord, she often thought of the father she had never known. He was 77 when Aggie finally stood at his grimy bedside, ignored the stench, and hugged him. Her love and Christ’s power brought David back to the One who had moved him to ‘waste’ his life in Africa. Aggie also brought startling news. That little convert he had left in Africa had built on the foundation David and his wife had laid and the entire tribe of 600 people had come to Christ. It’s not only missionaries who are allowed to have lean years. We could stock a library with stories of spectacularly unsuccessful men and women who eventually sparked massive moves of God. Many closed their eyes in death without seeing the fruit their labours finally produced. No matter what we think of his views, it is staggering to realise that Søren Kierkegaard’s writings slept for almost a century after his death until translated into English and suddenly stunning the world. And consider the Jim Elliots of this world whose apparently untimely deaths have inspired countless thousands to take up the baton and run in their stead. Though they died seemingly at the very outset of their life’s work, the final result was beyond what a dozen lifetimes could achieve. Still more tantalising are heaven’s best-kept secrets – triumphs by people we have never heard of, or achievements our slow minds cannot adequately appreciate. Nonetheless, God established the pattern millenniums ago: Sarah knew nothing but barrenness for ninety distressing years, yet became the ancestress of multiplied millions. At this very moment, the Lord could be replaying in someone’s mind heaven’s recording of a conversation you had with that person years ago. You’ve forgotten the incident, but God is still using it. What you thought were normal words were Spirit-powered. You don’t feel the warm glow that would be yours if you knew those words were still echoing through the chambers of someone’s mind, but face it: results mean more to you than elusive feelings. NEXT

Basking in the Grace of God The End of Shame I have a story about my wife but I publish it only because Vicki and I care about you and ache for you to have what she now enjoys. As a teen highly devoted to God, Vicki studied deeply and passionately all that her church taught. Even Bible School lecturers were amazed at her understanding. A huge emphasis in her church was that life should be easy and if one’s problems persist, one must be out of the will of God or be failing to exercise enough of the faith he expects. This belief has the advantage of stirring motivation to keep on believing and doing the right thing but it put enormous pressure on Vicki – as it no doubt has on many others under the spell of this teaching – causing her to fall into condemnation whenever life got tough. Enduring difficult times is hard enough without being swamped with false guilt over it. Imagine, at the very time you most needed the comfort of knowing that God is with you, feeling that your afflictions prove God must be irate or bitterly disappointed with you. Imagine, when you most need love and support, being falsely accused and ostracized by people who believe a theory that contains elements of truth but is not broad enough to embrace all the facts. Imagine feeling an utter failure spiritually, despite having done your utmost to honor God in every possible way and having no idea what you have done wrong, but being told you must somehow have let God down by not having enough faith or having committed some unknown sin that one cannot even identify to repent of. This was Vicki’s torment that kept persisting despite her going to extremes in prayer and fasting and self-examination and self-loathing. The flaw in what Vicki had been taught by sincere men of God, is that although they correctly identified two possible reasons for being oppressed by afflictions that refuse to budge, their message oversimplifies biblical revelation and, despite them revering the Word of God, it forces them to unconsciously ignore or distort much of it. It is like correctly believing that smoking can cause lung cancer but taking this truth to the extreme of mistakenly thinking it means all lung cancer is caused by smoking, and if you encounter a non-smoker who shatters this belief by contracting lung cancer, rather than admitting that your theory is too narrow to fit every circumstance, you conclude the person must be lying and must have been a secret smoker. Vicki, along with countless thousands of others, was emphatically taught by devoted Bible teachers who cited Scripture after Scripture that proved their point, but twisted every Scripture that indicated they were oversimplifying spiritual reality by trying to apply it to every situation. For example, they taught that everyone should be financially prosperous. If someone objected by citing Jesus telling a would-be follower, “The foxes have holes, and the birds of the sky have nests, but the Son of Man [Jesus] has no place to lay his head,” (Luke 9:58), these preachers would retort that it means something other than the obvious and, without any biblical backing, claimed that Jesus was well-off; having a very successful carpentry business. If some cited Paul saying in several places in Scripture that he had gone hungry, they would say that everyone should have greater faith than Paul or that as modern, Spirit-filled teachers they have received a higher revelation than the man who wrote much of Scripture. Anyhow, Vicki was oppressively weighed down by the belief that every trial that persisted must be punishment for some unknown sin or failure to adequately apply some spiritual principle. One day, she was at breaking point under the strain of serious problems mixed with the belief that although she knew not how, it must somehow be her fault. In the midst of her despair, God spoke. “My grace is sufficient for you.” Put another way: “My grace is all you need.” That thought transformed her. Vicki knew the Lord was citing what he had told Paul when he had been under such attack that three times the anointed apostle had pleaded with God to deliver him and three times nothing happened (2 Corinthians 12:7-9). The great man of God was exceedingly oppressed. In fact, he told of this incident just after describing all the floggings, stonings, shipwrecks, deprivations and so on that he had suffered (2 Corinthians 11:23-28). When Paul was about to go down for the third time, the Almighty’s response was not, “Clean up your act, Loser!” but rather, “When all else fails, I’ve got your back.” To the man who couldn’t even get his prayers answered, the Lord did not say, “Screw up your face and manufacture more faith, like a woman trying to give birth to a porcupine.” Instead, he simply said, “Keep holding on. I’ve got everything in hand. No matter how bad it seems and how weak you feel, I’ve gifted you with all it takes to outlast the attack.” Spiritual success was not dependent upon Paul’s spiritual works program. All that mattered was God’s grace – the divine approval that comes as a free gift and remains even when life seems like a never-ending disaster. In this case, grace was not a miraculous deliverance but the divine ability to triumphantly endure the worst that hell could hurl at him. For Vicki, the take-home message was that the pressure is off. For everyone surrendered to Christ, all that matters is God’s grace, and it is big enough for every eventuality. If nothing – not even suffering or calamity or persecution or famine or inadequate clothing or peril or death threats – could keep one from God’s love (Romans 8:35), nothing can keep her from God’s grace. Everything hinges, not on her performance, but on the Almighty, and he is always up to the task. For everyone in Christ, no matter what happens, we can relax. Suddenly Vicki saw that continually beating herself up over hard times had been needless. She had even been kicked out of a church for not having a flashy car. That made her a ‘bad witness;’ an embarrassment to the pastor’s prosperity preaching. (No doubt, Jesus and Paul would also have been politely asked to leave.) Those simple words, “My grace is sufficient for you,” released the revelation that suffering adversity is not proof of spiritual failure after all. Vicki had thought it all depended on her. Finally, she realized that God had always been eager to take responsibility for her life. What mattered most was not her best efforts, but God. At last she could put her feet up and let God be God, instead of feeling compelled to keep trying to manipulate ‘spiritual laws’. No matter what hits her, the Almighty is big enough to handle it and he is on her side. This is not because she deserves divine support or could ever earn it, but because Christ deserved it and had earned for each of us and, in the greatest display of generosity the universe has ever seen, freely gives it to all who let him have their life. It didn’t matter what oppressive circumstances seemed to shout, nor what accusations self-appointed judges screamed: there is but one Judge and he sacrificed his life to give us something far beyond what anyone could ever earn; the priceless gift of divine favor; the enduring status that transcends time and the physical world. Vicki had been a casualty of teaching that was Bible-based and yet was selective and failed to embrace the full extent of biblical revelation. Whereas Paul had learned to glory in things that humbled him and were labeled weaknesses (2 Corinthians 12:9-10), Vicki had been taught to see them (and hence herself) as failures. Despite Scripture repeatedly pronouncing trials as reason to rejoice (Matthew 5:10-11; Luke 6:22-23; Acts 5:41; Romans 5:3-4; 8:17; Philippians 1:29; 2 Thessalonians 1:4; James 1:2-3,12; 1 Peter 1:6-7; 4:13-16) she was left with the impression that they were reason for shame. This false sense of failure sapped her of the strength needed to triumph. Vicki had always felt duty-bound to pour her utmost into putting on a brave front, so observers were able to detect but a mere fraction of the toll it really took on her. It was more than just what her church had taught, however. From her most tender years, Vicki had been subjected to a range of things so appalling that, for all her life, permitting even a vague public reference to it had been utterly beyond her. She can do it now only because of the life-changing experience featured in this webpage. Until then, powerful forces in her abnormal upbringing had combined with devastating childhood experiences to leave her victimized, driving her to always blame herself whenever the slightest negative thing touched her, or a family member. Now, however, the word God spoke into her heart has ignited a revelation that has cut through it all; releasing her from all self-blame and associated shame that had hounded her all her life. Though I was privileged to witness the transformation in Vicki, it is beyond me to adequately convey just how profound it has been. It was like bright sunlight dispelling gloom that had always hung over her, flooding her with new confidence in God and empowering her to face every eventuality with joy and a steely resolve to serve God no matter what. The assurance that being in deep water does not mean failure and that no matter what self-appointed critics declare, God’s grace covers all eventualities, has endowed Vicki with a new zest for life and new love of God. She shows her new confidence in many different ways, even her body language. She looks people in the eye more than ever – not just bosses, work colleagues and acquaintances, but even me. I have always strongly believed in Vicki and done everything in my power to encourage and support her and affirm by word and action that I am on her side. Surely if there were anyone in whose presence she would have felt self-assured, it is me, and yet even when alone with me there has been a surprising boost in her body language, indicating a new-found confidence. And this is what God wants for you but I wish I knew how to transfer it to you. I’m doing my utmost to usher you into this life-changing experience but it takes more than mere words. The Scripture God spoke into Vicki’s heart was not new to her. She had known those words for decades. As an impressionable teen she had even absorbed in the deepest part of her the impact of witnessing renowned and revered preachers inflating beautiful Bible truths to such grotesque proportions that they had the audacious arrogance to cite this very portion of God’s precious Word as proof that the Apostle Paul’s faith was inadequate and that they were greater than him. I had been trying for years to help Vicki grasp the truth that has now liberated her, and for so many years before that she had been faithfully studying the Bible and communing with God. It seems all of this had been slowly chipping away at misconceptions she firmly believed were Bible-based until finally the dam burst. May you, too, keep prayerfully seeking the God of truth, opening yourself up to him with the conviction that no matter how great your spiritual knowledge, in God there is always more. I felt defeated ending this here, but I was at a loss to know how I could further help you since, despite all my efforts, it had taken Vicki so long to have this breakthrough. So on your behalf I sought God about how I might further assist. At first, the silence was disturbing but then answers flowed. What I believe prolonged the process for Vicki was that although God loves us all and longs to forgive, we instinctively keep our distance from anyone we fear might be mad at us. Although Scripture pleads, “Draw near to God, and he will draw near to you,” (James 4:8) guilt – regardless of whether it is real or imagined – makes us loathe to do this. And keeping our distance from God makes it so much harder to hear from him and discover how loving and approachable he is, and to hear from him the truth that frees us. Even the fact that God was so important to Vicki worked against her. It is bad enough to fear someone might reject you; it is worse still to have this confirmed. And it is one thing to be rejected by someone who means little to you; it is another to be rejected by someone who means everything to you. Moreover, even if you receive assurance after assurance that God accepts you, if you are continually plagued with false guilt, those feelings will keep gnawing away, causing you to doubt anything positive the God of Truth tries to tell you. Even the holy Son of God was strongly tempted (Luke 4:1-2). As surely as everyone on this planet suffers temptation (satanic attempts to deceive), false feelings will not magically disappear after hearing from God. We must decide what we will enthrone as our source of truth – God’s Word or our feelings. It is up to us to choose to put our faith in the power of Christ’s forgiveness rather than in the lies that alarmingly deceptive feelings scream at us. After finally accepting the truth that God’s grace remains even when attacks abound, Vicki could at any moment have slid back into doubt. Taking her stand against this peril, she resolutely promised herself that no matter what disasters hit her, she would never again let herself believe accusing feelings that insisted she should feel shame over things seeming to go wrong, nor accept the reproach of self-opinionated detractors. Day after day she persisted in remaining vigilant, ready to attack every attempt of her old thinking to sneak back. By stubbornly doing so, she kept that promise. Do the same and you, too, will soar to new heights in God. More Help The next page in the series will help but if you are still battling feelings of shame, I should draw your attention to these webpages: * Forgiving Yourself and keep following the main link at the end of each page. * I hate Myself! Cure for Self Hate