Search Results

How to Recover From a Break Up Help for the Broken Hearted By Annette Dodd with Grantley Morris Consider what brutal terms are used for the ending of a relationship: a bust up, split up, break up, given the boot, dumped, kicked out, ditched, jilted, rejected. No matter how much you tell yourself, “I should be over it by now,” these very terms reflect how deeply wounding it is to suffer the ending of a relationship, no matter how amicable it seemed. For some of us, the big illusion is that immediately plunging back into another relationship will stop the emotional haemorrhaging, but getting back into the firing line while still wounded (no matter how much you tell yourself you are ‘over it’) means you are bringing into the new relationship unresolved issues that will damage or perhaps even ruin the new relationship. Annette Dodd steps out the world of fanciful thinking and shows you how to heal. Her particular emphasis is on relationships that ended short of marriage but it is not without relevance to those whose marriages have ended. Grantley Morris Founder: Netburst.net So . . . what does become of the broken-hearted? Well, if you believe the soaps and Hollywood it will take you about five screen minutes (if that) to get over your ex before you’re plunging (miraculously unscathed) straight back into the dating game where the next person you meet will be ‘the One’ you’re destined to be with for the rest of your life. And just how realistic is that? Well . . . maybe the next person you date will be your future husband or wife but, if you’ve just had your heart broken, it will take more than five minutes to get over it. You’ve got to allow yourself time to grieve and to heal so you are relatively unscathed by the time you commence preparation for your next relationship. No doubt, your experiences will be different from mine but I pray that, in some small way, this webpage will bring you comfort and a ray of hope for your future. So, friend, pull up a chair. Kick off your shoes. Get yourself comfortable. Grab some tissues if you need them – maybe candy, a hot drink and some chocolate chip cookies, too (yum!) – and sit yourself back. I’m here to tell you it’s not the end of the world (even though it seems like it is) and I promise that you can get through this. Between you, me, and God we’ll work out where you’re going from here, okay? My friend, I’ve been in your situation and a break-up can suck. Believe me; I know how devastating it can be. You wonder why this happened. What did you do wrong? Are you really that unlovable? And – the big ones – why did God put you through this? Why didn’t he stop the pain?! But we’ll get to these soon enough. For now I want you to calm yourself and breathe. Just breathe. Would you mind if I say a prayer? Heavenly Father, I pray for my hurting friends right now. Thank You for them and for bringing them here. Let them know You care about every aspect of their lives; their past, their present and their hope-filled future. Comfort them and surround them with Your love. Be with them now and heal their pain. I pray all these things in Jesus’ name. Amen. So. Where do you start? How can you get through this? You’ve shared so much with another person - your love, your time, your money, your hopes and dreams - but now those things are lying shattered on the floor. How could something so precious to you be treated so recklessly? You thought this love would last forever. That you could work through any difficulties. ‘Isn’t our love worth saving?’ you cried. But it’s over and your world’s been ripped apart. You feel as if you’ll never reach light at the end of the tunnel (as if you could even see any light at the end of the tunnel right now). You feel you’ll never be happy again. Right? Well . . . would it help if I told you my story first? My name is Annette. I come from a Christian family and became a Christian when I was about seven. I got baptized at fourteen and everything was going swimmingly with the Lord. Sure, there were guys I liked but they never seemed to like me in that way. ‘Ah, well, it doesn’t matter,’ I thought to myself. ‘It’s in God’s hands.’ At twenty-one, with a heart for God still, I was knocked to the ground by a rugby ball during a team game at a Christian camp. The effect was inexplicable. (It is one of the first things I’ll question God about when I get to heaven.) It seemed from that very moment as if God had literally been knocked right out of me. I still believed in God and what he had done for me, but it felt as if the fire had gone out. Thus began my Wilderness Years. I tried talking about it with Christian leaders but nothing ever got resolved so I simply shut up. Never mentioned it. To look at me you’d think I was a perfectly normal Christian girl but I felt dead inside. To make matters worse, my church closed down a few years later and I was devastated. The church and friends I’d loved and grown up with – gone. Things wouldn’t be the same again. In the end, after trying several different churches over the years, I settled at one that had had strong links with my previous church but I knew it wasn’t going to be my church home. I figured if I didn’t go there, I wouldn’t go anywhere and my faith refused to allow me to give up on God, even though it seemed he had given up on me. Fast forward several more years. I’m 35 and had been in the Wilderness for nearly fifteen years (peanuts compared to Moses but still . . . ! It takes a lot out of you). Still hadn’t had a boyfriend, and I’d resigned myself to being single for the rest of my life. What you hadn’t had, you don’t miss, I reasoned. It all changed when I met a guy at a friend’s Christmas party. There was a spark. We started dating. he went semi-regularly to a church but he wasn’t a Christian. (Dating a non-Christian? Where’s a ‘shocked’ smiley when you need one!) It was something I knew was wrong but, as it stood, I wasn’t as strong a Christian as I should have been, I so glossed over it. I wouldn’t do it now, especially after reading Netburst’s pages on this subject. (See Dating a non-Christian ) One Sunday, about a month after we started dating, I felt nudged to have ‘The Talk’ with my boyfriend; the talk about my faith and also to find out about his. I hadn’t spoken to anybody about my wilderness state for over ten years so it was quite a challenge, but I took the plunge (that ‘nudge’ was too strong for me to ignore) and miraculously felt quite liberated afterward. I then talked with my boyfriend about his faith and the upshot of this conversation was my boyfriend read through a Steps to Peace with God pamphlet by Billy Graham and prayed the prayer at the end. Friends at his church were delighted at the news as they’d been praying for him to become a Christian for some time. My boyfriend came to my church occasionally with me and I went to his church occasionally with him. We even started looking for a church we could go to as a couple – ‘our’ church home. Well, naturally, I was cartwheeling inside. My boyfriend was now a Christian and, to me, that was all that mattered. The official seal of approval, so to speak. ‘Yay, this is it!’ I thought with glee; mega-wattage grin plastered on my face. ‘Surely this relationship has come from God?? Surely he’s (finally!) dusted me down from the shelf and I should book an urgent fitting with ‘Bride-To-Be Gowns’??!’ Well . . . yes, and no. Though early on in the relationship my boyfriend and I had spoken about getting married (we’d even jokingly looked at engagement rings), he was now beginning to distance himself from me. That hurt. And, more often than not, I’d find myself driving away from his house with tears streaming down my face but vowing I was going to fight for the relationship. ‘Isn’t our love worth saving?’ I cried to myself. Alas, no. The relationship limped on for a while but was over a few months later. I was devastated. In my naivety, I imagined we’d get back together a few days or weeks later and things would coast on toward that fairy-tale wedding. After all, isn’t that what usually happens in the movies? We kept in contact initially but I was finding it too hard. My ex was moving on with his life but mine seemed to be over. I remember asking God to take me to be with him because I just couldn’t see the point of living anymore, but God gave me a verse in reply the very next day. It said, ‘I am still confident of this: I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord.’ (Psalm 27:13-14.) Pretty amazing, huh? It was going to be a while before I’d start seeing some of that goodness, however, but it was a verse I held onto in my darkest moments. And believe me, those moments seemed pretty bleak to me! I was living on the opposite side of town to all my friends and family, so felt quite isolated. And my job then wasn’t busy, so I had plenty of time to dwell on the break-up. I lost a lot of weight (who knew it was even possible for wrists to get thinner?!) and my hair was shedding at a rate of knots ( . . . although that damage might have been caused by overuse of hair straighteners . . . !). Each day was a monotonous struggle and I couldn’t see any light at the end of the tunnel. I felt lethargic and longed for the oblivion of sleep all the time. Out of morbid curiosity I’d complete online questionnaires to find out if I had depression and would usually conclude smugly that – yes; I was depressed! Little by little I found help in unexpected places. A relationship message board got me through the initial days of questioning the break-up, and family and friends were brilliantly supportive. I’d always considered myself pretty self-sufficient and to find that people did actually care about me and wanted to help, made a big difference. I leaned in closer to the Lord, too, and started doing a daily Bible devotion each morning – a practice I’d neglected over the years. I hungrily read Christian books on break-ups and relationships, figuring if God was going to bring somebody into my life in the future (after all, he’d done it once when I was totally unprepared and had given up all hope so who’s to say he won’t again?) then I’d want to make sure I was prepared this time. I also decided it was time to start searching for my proper church home. I was now coming out of the Wilderness and I wanted to find a church where I could be all God wanted me to be in him. I narrowed the choice down to three and felt led to one particular church but didn’t feel able to start going there until I moved closer to it. So . . . my parents welcomed me back into the family home (thanks Mum and Dad!) and I handed my notice in at work, trusting that God would provide me with another job on the right side of town. I was hoping for a busy one that would keep me occupied, but God had other ideas! My next job was even worse than the job I’d left but I persevered with it, believing that God had brought me there for a reason. He had; with plenty of time on my hands at work, I surfed the web in search of answers and found some great Christian websites. The best – by far – was NetBurst. I could literally feel God’s love pouring off the pages as I devoured the site. It helped me so much in understanding my wilderness years (although I don’t feel the years will be fully explained until I get to Heaven, I’m at peace with the answers I’ve received so far), and Grantley Morris (the man behind the website) was a rock as I poured out my heart about my break-up. God also used Christians on other forums and message boards to help me through this difficult time. I learned to trust God in particularly trying circumstances. He could see the outcome when I couldn’t. Let’s face it – God knew what he was doing when he gave me that particular job! If I’d been in a busier one I would never have had the time and access to these forms of support. I was able to attend the new church now I was living closer to it, and I found a lot of love, support and understanding there – particularly helpful when the slightest thing would send tears streaming down my face mid-service! The church didn’t turn out to be my church home but it was definitely where God wanted me to be for that period. During this time, God also introduced me to some remarkable, strong, single Christian women – an area of friendship that was sorely lacking in my life. These friendships – one via an internet forum, and the others from the church – have blessed me abundantly. It’s been a rocky road to travel but, even though I might not always have felt his presence, God has been with me, guiding me, every step of the way. I’ve changed jobs again (you’ll be pleased to know I’m much happier – and busier - in my current workplace), and have also now found my church home, which I’m thrilled to bits about. No change in my living arrangements – I’m still with my parents some two years later (I like to tell them I’m funding their retirement) and I’m still single, but that’s fine too. God knows the plans he has for me; he can see the outcome even when I can’t! So there is light at the end of the tunnel. (And – for those jokers out there – no, it’s not the lights of the express train coming my way!) I might not have booked the fitting with ‘Bride-To-Be Gowns’ but I firmly believe the relationship did come from God. So much good has come about because of it – even in spite of the heartbreak – that I have to say God’s hand was at work in it. Granted the outcome wasn’t what I’d wanted (I always believed my first boyfriend would become my husband), but I have learned so much about myself, my faith and God that I wouldn’t change what happened. Besides which, if I hadn’t gone through it, then you wouldn’t be reading my testimony now, would you? Food for thought, hmm? Okay, my friend, we’re onto the practical stuff! And speaking of food . . . We live in such a ‘fast-food’ world, don’t we? Hungry? Pop something into the microwave and it’s ready to eat in minutes. Want to listen to a new CD but don’t want to walk or drive to the shops to buy it? Simple. Download it from the Internet. Want to speak to somebody in London? Washington? Sydney? Outer Mongolia? No problem! You’re connected in seconds. We don’t like waiting, do we? We want instant satisfaction. It frustrates us when God doesn’t immediately take away the pain from a break-up. But I think we have to view this more in terms of a physical wound. Your relationship was no mere cut or bruise that will heal within days, was it? It was something major and, like all major wounds, you’re going to need time to recuperate. Try not to get hung up on how long it is taking you to recover, or to fixate on how quickly your ex seems to have gotten over you. We’re all different. It doesn’t matter how long or how short you dated, or how long ago the break up actually was. If you gave your heart to this person it’s going to take time to recover and how long that takes is just however long you need. Don’t ever think you’ve got to get over this quickly. There isn’t a magic formula that says Multiply the number of romantic meals they cooked you by the number of gifts you bought them, plus how many times he/she said, ‘I love you,’ added to the number of friends who thought you were a ‘perfect couple,’ divided by the number of times anyone said you were not suited, to get to the magic number of weeks it will take you to get over your break-up. (Hmm . . . on second thoughts, maybe I should patent that?!) Some hearts need so much more time to heal than others, depending on how secure and confident their background has made them feel, how much had been invested in the relationship, and who knows how many other factors. You’ve got to allow yourself time to grieve, so you take as long as you need. God works with us at a pace he knows is best for us. And think about it this way - if you’re still grieving the loss of your love then you’re not going to rebound straight into an unsuitable relationship that will put you even further back in the recovery stakes, are you? You might think it strange to think of ‘grieving’ over a relationship but, in effect, that’s what you’re doing. You’re mourning over the good times and the bad; the past you had together and the future you now won’t. (And we always seem to view that ‘future’ through rose colored glasses, don’t we? That ‘perfect’ bliss-filled future that should definitely be filed in the ‘fiction – never gonna happen in a billion years’ part of our brains!) But grieving isn’t the only thing to experience. There’s a whole rollercoaster of emotions you may go through, which are perfectly illustrated by the Kübler-Ross Grief Cycle (also known as the Five Stages of Grief). This cycle describes the process by which people cope with grief and tragedy – whether it is the loss of a relationship, a bereavement, job loss, terminal illness, or whatever. You won’t necessarily experience all the stages, and they won’t necessarily come in the order listed, but you may well recognize yourself in some of them. Let’s explore them further. The first stage is ‘Denial’. Typical head-in-the-sand attitude – ‘It can’t be happening.’ ‘If I ignore it, it’ll go away.’ Maybe you haven’t broken up yet but it’s a possibility and you’re pretending to your friends and family that everything’s still fine. Unfortunately, this situation won’t go away. You’ll have to face up to it eventually. The sooner you do, the sooner God can get working with you on what to do next. In my own relationship, I knew things couldn’t go on as they had been, so I prepared myself for instigating the ‘break-up’ discussion. I prayed about it (but only briefly – I was still feeling in the Wilderness at that point) and booked the following day off work as I knew I wouldn’t be in any fit state to face anybody afterward. But even after the break-up had occurred I was still in denial – I still had illusions of us getting back together at some point in the future. After this is ‘Anger’. ‘Why is this happening to me?? It’s not fair!’ Perhaps you lie awake at night scheming ways to get revenge. Bring it to God. Rant against him, if need be – if you’re angry with him for allowing this to happen to you, then tell him. He knows what you’re thinking anyway (Psalm 139:4 ‘Before a word is on my tongue you know it completely, O LORD’) and I’m sure he’d much rather you were honest with him than being bitter and bottling it all up. He’s got broad shoulders – he can handle whatever you throw at him. Tempting though it is to plot revenge, don’t go down that route. You have more dignity than that! If you’re a Christian, that makes you a precious son or daughter of our King, and would you really expect to see a Prince or Princess behaving like an obsessed stalker or worse? . . . I don’t think so, either. ( And Revenge! Turning Hate into Healing gives another perspective on this subject.) The next stage is ‘Bargaining’. Maybe we realize we weren’t all we could have been in the relationship. We see faults – whether real or imagined – and think that if we rectify them we can bargain with our ex to get the relationship back. ‘I promise you, I’ll stop chewing my toenails/always let you have control of the TV remote/learn to juggle fluffy clouds/grow longer legs, if you’ll just take me back.’ Maybe it’s God you’re bargaining with? ‘If you bring my ex back, I’ll learn the Bible in Swahili/be nice to old Mr Johnson in the flat below/clean the church toilets for six years.’ When we bargain, I think we’re trying to gain some measure of control over the situation. We’re trying to dictate what terms the relationship should proceed on. But if the relationship isn’t God’s plan for us, then we’ll only frustrate ourselves when it doesn’t work out. If you want to make changes to your life – healthy, positive changes – then do them for your own sake and to bring glory to God. Next we come to the classic ‘Depression’. ‘Nothing’s ever going to get better so what’s the point? Why bother with anything?’ You shut yourself away from everyone and become even more depressed. This is when things seem the bleakest. But this is also when we can bring pleasure to our Father the most. There are some verses in Habakkuk that I absolutely adore because of their lyrical quality, and they are very apt for what God wants us to do in these circumstances. ‘Though the fig-tree does not bud and there are no grapes on the vines, though the olive crop fails and the fields produce no food, though there are no sheep in the pen and no cattle in the stalls, yet I will rejoice in the Lord, I will be joyful in God my Savior.’ (Habakkuk 3:17-18) Praise and worship our Lord and Savior. Take the focus off yourself and give it to him. This is what the writers of some of the Psalms did. I’ve just opened my Bible and Psalm 77 illustrates a person crying out in distress, feeling rejected and unloved. But the writer then resolves to remember the deeds of the Lord and meditate on all his works. See how many more Psalms you come across that demonstrate this too. Finally, there’s ‘Acceptance’. You’ve realized that things are as they are – there’s nothing you can do about them – so it’s time to get on with your own life. You might think it’s an uphill struggle to start piecing things back together but at least you’ve taken a step along that road of acceptance and that’s all you need do for now – just keep taking one small step at a time. As stated previously, the cycle of these stages isn’t set in stone. Our emotions can swing to and fro between different points; one minute you can be depressed, then you’ve accepted it, then you’re angry, then you’re back to depression again – there’s no set pattern. Some situations may trigger emotions you’d previously felt had been dealt with and you can find yourself revisiting stages of the cycle; I had brief flashes of anger even as I was writing this webpage. So. How many stages did you recognize? How many have you been through? Which one are you on now? Perhaps it would be helpful to take a breather for a moment – put the kettle on and grab some more cookies! – and mull over these stages. Bring it to God and let him work in your heart. Heavenly Father, I pray that You will show my friend where they are right now in these stages of grief. Give them Your discernment and wisdom. Lead them gently toward acceptance of their situation and bring them hope for their future. I pray these things in Jesus’ name, Amen One thing that panicked me when getting over my relationship was thinking about time. Somebody on a message board said I’d be feeling so much better about things in six months’ time and I remember thinking ‘Six MONTHS??!!! That’s like FOREVER!!!’ I felt like l was going to drown in how long it was all taking, and I realized I had to stop thinking that far ahead. I had to concentrate on Today – the here and now – and force myself to get through that particular day (and if your mind can’t even cope with thinking about 24 hours at a time, then break it down even further; 12 hours, 6 hours, 1 hour even). Don’t think about next week or next month or next year. Just think about Today and getting through that day. One very relevant verse is Matthew 6:34: ‘Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.’ Speaking of time, I’ll mention the dreaded biological clock here. The older we get, unfortunately the louder it thumps. Granted this won’t be as relevant to the guys out there reading this, but I’m sure it will have crossed your mind that you don’t particularly want your knees creaking with old age when you’re trying to play football with your son or daughter in the park! And, for us women, it’s a fact of life that after a certain point in time we won’t physically be able to have a child. So what do we do? From my own point of view, I’ll confess I had a hyperventilation moment or two when my relationship broke up. Whilst I love children I’m not particularly keen to go through the physical pain of giving birth (life would be so much easier if we could pick a baby up with our groceries, wouldn’t it?!) but that doesn’t mean I’ve necessarily ruled it out entirely, and I’d rather I wasn’t drawing my pension before my child was at senior school! With the break-up, my mind was feverishly recalculating a new timetable – ‘I’ll have to meet my future husband by then, we can date for x months and get married by then and that will still give me the physical amount of time to have a baby before the clock stops.’ But then I had to pause and calm myself and consider God in this. What if he didn’t want me to have children? Would I be happy with that? Don’t get me wrong – I love children. I’ve always had a good rapport with them (probably because I’m such a big kid myself!). I like to think I’d be a good mum (well, once we get over the small issues of whether I’d be able to sacrifice my Saturday lie-in and any kind of sleep life for my offspring, and whether they’d be able to eat anything edible and nutritious from my oven!). That was a hard thing to consider. Even with IVF, not everybody is able to conceive. I had to realize a baby is a gift from God, and not everybody gets that gift. Could I accept that? I took a look around. I have a very special, close relationship with my young niece and nephew. Maybe in time there will be more nieces and nephews to love too. Or children of friends. Maybe adoption or fostering. There are many ways now in which you can give the love of a parent without actually being a parent. So I decided that, yes, I could accept it. And, on the other side of the coin, didn’t Sarah and Abraham have a baby when they were advanced in years? Elizabeth and Zechariah too. After all, ‘. . . nothing is impossible with God’ (Luke 1:37). So I shouldn’t rule it out entirely, and neither should you. (Just pray now for strong bones and a healthy constitution that’ll keep you running around after your toddler, even when you’re the wrong side of a mid-life crisis!) One hurdle crossed. After that, the next hurdle was easier to consider. Okay, if I’m not worrying myself over a timescale about when or if I’m going to have children, does it matter when I get married? I’m hoping that marriage is in God’s plans for me but would I be happy to wait for God’s timing in this? I had to consider the ‘best years’ of my life. Perhaps God wants me to share those with him instead of my future husband? I believe those years won’t be spent in vain. God knows me inside and out. He knows me best. He knows when would be the perfect time for me to get married, so I concluded I could trust him in this matter too. Another hurdle done and dusted. Last hurdle. Toughest one yet . . . What about if God doesn’t want me to EVER get married? Would I be happy with that? GULP!!!!!! That was more difficult. Maybe God had me single all these years in preparation for a life of singleness? What you haven’t had, you don’t miss . . . but . . . but . . . I did have a small taste of ‘coupledom’ – it was something I could get used to. I’ll be honest – I can’t give a categorical ‘yes’ or ‘no’ answer to that question. Going back to a previous paragraph, it would overwhelm me to think that far ahead. Instead I’ll say ‘Today I’m happy being single.’ For the next 12 hours/6 hours/1 hour (or however long you’ve broken it down into) can you cope with being single? That’s all God asks us to do – take those little steps into our todays and not worry over those tomorrows. So what steps can you take to get you through each day? The top priority is to draw near to God. Pray! Bring him all your concerns and worries and fears. Ask him if there is anything he wants you to learn in all of this. Listen to him. Read your Bible. Memorize uplifting verses for your bleakest moments. Maybe try to see the good he can bring out of the situation. Usually it’s only when we’re further down the path of recovery we see how the messy threads of this relationship were worked into a beautiful subsection in the tapestry of our life. Now, at the risk of sounding heretical, make sure you don’t go overboard in the intensity of drawing near. Yes, God does want you to spend time with him but there does have to be a balance. Jesus spent time with friends and going to parties, as well as spending time with his Father in prayer, so don’t neglect your ordinary life. And speaking of friends, surround yourself with supportive friends and family at this time. Lean on them. They love you and want to help you through this, so let them. Chances are they’ll be glad of the opportunity to do something for you. At the same time, don’t let them pressurize you into moving on more quickly than you’re ready for. If you really can’t face socializing, then tell them. I realize some people might find it hard to receive this kind of help. Perhaps you’ve never needed it before because you’ve been self-sufficient all your life or maybe you’re too shy/hesitant/proud to let your guard down around other people. Here’s one way to look at it – perhaps God needs you to be the recipient of help so he can work some change in the other person’s life as they give you that help? So be sensitive to them and to the Holy Spirit. Your focus will then be on someone other than yourself too (which won’t be a bad thing at all). Self-esteem is one thing you’re going to have to address as well. I know you’re feeling rejected and unloved following your break-up but don’t EVER forget you are loved. God gave his Son for you and wants to spend eternity with you – that’s how much you are loved. Don’t base your worth on your ex’s view of you but rather base it on God’s view of you: * You are a child of God ( 1 John 3:1 ) * You are fearfully and wonderfully made (Psalm 139:14) * You are a treasured possession ( Exodus 19:5 ) . We are made in God’s image and there is hope in reaching your fullest potential with or without a ‘mate’. Make sure you’re eating properly, and don’t forget to take some exercise either. If you’re feeling under the weather then don’t be afraid to get yourself checked out by your doctor (I did and found I was anaemic. A healthy course of iron tablets was soon the order of the day). If you think it is taking you an abnormally long time to recover, and you think it would be beneficial, then don’t be afraid to consider seeing a counsellor either. Ask around at your church for any known Christian counsellors in your area (you might even be fortunate enough to have one or two actually at your church). This webpage can only go so far – a Christian counsellor will be able to give you their professional opinion and advice. One way of lifting your spirits is to listen to some fun, danceable music. If you have understanding neighbors, crank the volume up and have a good boogie! Don’t forget to listen to praise and worship songs too, and sing along! Even if you’re not the world’s best singer, to God you will be. He loves to hear you sing his praises. Smile. Giggle. Chuckle. Guffaw. Snigger. Snort. Chortle. Yes – LAUGH!! Don’t they say laughter is the best medicine? Watch a funny film. Think of some daft things to do. Even if you don’t feel like it (and even if it feels really strange) laugh out loud right now. Go on – I dare you! (Okay, I’ll let you off if you’re in a crowded internet café or somewhere extremely public at the moment. Although, on second thoughts . . . that might make you laugh more to see people’s faces as they look worriedly at you and give you a wide berth!) Imagine you’re an actor on stage and you’ve been given your cue to laugh, so LAUGH or else the play won’t make sense! I guarantee that pretty soon the ‘fake’ laughter will turn into proper laughter. Release those happy endorphins! And, on the flip side of that coin, it’s okay to cry too. Don’t ever think you’ve got to present a stiff upper lip all the time. Didn’t God invent tears? And doesn’t he store them in a bottle? (‘Thou tellest my wanderings: put thou my tears into thy bottle: are they not in thy book?’ Psalm 56:8 – KJV). I’ve always loved that thought. Mine must be a huge bottleful by now! Did you neglect friends or hobbies when you were dating? Now’s the time to resume those interests. Even if you don’t feel like it, sometimes it’s a good idea to force yourself along to something you love doing as once you’re there the familiar surroundings and friends will perk you up. These next suggestions are tough ones to apply but in the long-term they will be worthwhile. Be strong, my friend!! First up, make a clean break. EEEK!! I know, I know; you’re reeling in shock at that. You’ve both promised to remain friends, haven’t you? Well, I hate to say it to you but you need time to heal and for that you need space too. If you’re still in love with them when you remain friends, your ex will be getting what they want (your friendship) but you won’t be getting what you want (which, presumably, is to get back with them), so you will need a period of separation so you can get over your ex. If it’s unavoidable that you’ll be seeing them (you work together or you go to the same church or you’ll see them at a mutual friend’s party or whatever), then bring it to your Father in Heaven. Ask him to help you be polite, dignified and Christ-like in your dealings with your ex. Ask friends to keep you in their prayers too. You have to be ruthless here and take down any reminders of your ex – any photos or cute, cuddly toys or gifts – and box them away. Any reminders will only upset you at this point, so you need them out of sight. In time you’ll find you’re strong enough mentally to get rid of them altogether but for now, the physical act of boxing them away will be enough (and if you find you can’t do them all in one go then put one item away each day or each couple of days. Keep taking these little steps at your own pace – only you know how much you can cope with at a time). Don’t bombard your ex with texts, emails or phone calls. They’ve called, ‘Time!’ on the relationship so you have to respect their decision. If they made a mistake in that, they’ll be the one to contact you. If they haven’t, bombarding them won’t change their mind and will just make you seem more needy (a quality that isn’t attractive at the best of times, let’s face it!). And, in connection with that, this next action actually made me physically sick as I did it, but it was an essential step to take. Take a deep breath, friend! . . . I deleted my ex’s number from my mobile/cell phone. I didn’t want to text him ‘accidentally’ in the hope he would reply and for my emotions to then plummet like a stone when he didn’t. I couldn’t keep putting myself through that. I still had his number in my address book at home but, if I was out and had a mad urge to text him, I’d have to wait until I was home then physically key in the number again by which time the impulse to text would be over. You might find it hard to cut off this major lifeline to your ex so, again, I would urge you to do it at your own pace. Perhaps you could delete the number, wait five minutes/an hour/a day and key it back in again. Keep doing this until you’re able to leave your ex’s number off your phone altogether. Similarly with emails, delete your ex’s email address from your contacts. Again, as a fall-safe, have it written down elsewhere until you’ve weaned yourself off from contacting them in this manner and can get rid of it once and for all. To pray or not to pray? That, my friend, is the question. Do you keep praying for your ex? I was praying I would get back together with mine, but that isn’t the type of praying I’m referring to here. My ex was a new Christian so I was also praying he would grow in his faith, find a good church to attend and surround himself with other Christians. These, of course, are extremely important matters to pray for but, by doing this, I was keeping my ex fresh in my thoughts and fuelling my desire for the relationship to be rekindled. And this was hindering me from getting over him and moving on. So what can we do? It’s a tough one, I know. You go on a guilt trip if you’re not praying for your ex when you believe it’s your Christian duty to do so, but, at the end of the day, if it’s doing YOU more harm than good then you have to leave it to the Lord. HE can cause somebody else to rise up and keep praying for your ex on your behalf. When I was going through this dilemma of believing I should pray for my ex but just finding it too difficult to do so myself, I asked a very close friend to pray for him on my behalf. This gave me time to heal emotionally whilst knowing my ex was being prayed for. Perhaps this is something you could consider too? For the final stages of your healing to be complete, there is one fundamental issue you’ll have to address. It’s that ‘F’ word – ‘forgiveness’. Yes, at some point in time, you’re going to have to forgive the wrongs done to you by this other person. Why should you? I’ll quote from a page of Grantley’s ( Forgive us our sins ) about forgiveness. Here’s his reason for forgiving: ‘Because it’s Godlike. God forgives those who have no right to be forgiven. He forgives his haters. Christ was abandoned. The Innocent was accused, condemned, and made to feel like low life. His holy body was violated by whips, nails, spear. He was mocked, maligned, tortured. And he forgave. He’s God. And he has the power to make you like God. The Lord of all wants to make you royalty – a child of the King of kings. Not an adopted child, but born into his family, bearing his nature – his genes as it were. And part of the beautiful, divine nature God wants released into your life is an attitude of forgiveness. It was something I baulked at, but forgiveness is an instruction in the Bible and I had to choose whether I would be obedient to God in this matter or not. It was a choice I faced on a daily basis and, at first, I couldn’t handle the thought of forgiving my ex so I asked God to help me choose to forgive even when I didn’t feel like it. Whether the other person receives that forgiveness isn’t your responsibility. All you have to do is offer it. Now, I realize it might be difficult to physically give that forgiveness to the other person if they’re out of your life altogether, but offer it up to God and then leave the burden with him. He’ll know what to do with it. Trust him. Similarly, you’ll need to apologize for any wrong actions you took in the relationship. Offer them, don’t excuse them, ask for forgiveness, and then leave them with God. So, why did this break-up happen? Was there anything you did wrong? Are you really that unlovable? Why did God put you through this? Why didn’t he stop the pain? I’m going to quote from Elisabeth Elliot’s Quest for Love: True Stories of Passion and Purity (Baker Publishing Group, 1996), which I hope will help you understand why we sometimes have to go through heartbreak. “He has a glorious purpose in permitting the heartbreak. We may find many clues for this in Scripture, for example: * that we may be shaped to the likeness of Christ ( Romans 8:29 ) * that we may learn to trust ( 2 Corinthians 1:8-9 ) * that we may learn to obey ( Psalm 119:64,71 ) * that we may bear fruit ( John 15:2 ) * that we may reach spiritual maturity ( James 1:4 ) Hard as it is to live with, there will be questions left unanswered. It was something I had to accept; I won’t know everything that was going on ‘behind the scenes’ until I get to Heaven. Never forget there’s a spiritual battle raging all around us, and the relationship or the subsequent heartbreak could be Satan’s attempt to knock one of God’s finest – you! – off course. Don’t give up, my friend. I’m cheering you on! ‘And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast’ ( I Peter 5:10 ). “If Only I Had a Second Chance . . .” By Annette & Grantley Someone responded to this webpage with an e-mail that went along these lines: I deeply identify with everything you have written. What is particularly plaguing me, however, are regrets and “what ifs.” I see where I went wrong and things that I wish so passionately to do differently. I desperately crave a second chance to put these lessons into practice but it is so devastating that I can’t change the past and am totally unable to have a second chance. Annette remembers thinking after her break-up, “What if I’d been more willing to try new things, be more spontaneous, and so on,” but then she realized that for her that would be out of character, and if she were having to completely change who she is, then perhaps he wasn’t the right person after all. If you have given your life to Christ, God has forgiven you. To not forgive yourself after the Holy Lord has forgiven you is to the insult the Judge of the entire human race by implying you have higher standards than the Perfect One. To be godly, you must have God’s attitude toward your past, which is to forgive it and not let it keep you from future blessings. For help with this, see Forgiving Yourself and the pages it leads to. People frequently wonder whether they should keep past sins secret from someone with whom they are romantically involved. Recently someone wrote to Grantley saying she had briefly slipped away from God and been unfaithful to her boyfriend. When she returned to God and to him, her boyfriend wanted to know details and she kept them hidden, fearing that he would not forgive her and not wanting to hurt him. Grantley replied: Even though he does not know it, you are hurting him everyday by lying to him – and you are lying by refusing to tell him the truth. And not only that, you are hurting yourself. If he cannot freely forgive you he doesn’t love you and doesn’t deserve someone as godly as you, and if he claims to be a Christian, he is a hypocrite. He doesn't deserve to be lied to and you don’t deserve having someone whom you fear doesn’t love you. You claim that telling him would mean the end of your relationship. You don’t know that, but if so, by not telling him you are just cruelly prolonging the agony and causing him to fall more and more in love with a lie – not real love but the type of infatuation that hurts. Remember that anyone claiming to be a Christian who refuses to forgive you is seriously out of line with what God expects of Christians. And it is a spiritual necessity to marry only someone who is in a right relationship with God. To do otherwise is to defile Christ. It is that serious. This is not because Christians are superior but because by his grace God has purified them and spiritually united them to the Holy One so that whatever they do affects God. The spiritual transformation Christians have undergone is, of course, freely available to anyone but until people enter into this, they belong not to the Holy Lord but to the devil. As hard as it is, try not to regret things. There is a positive side even to discovering “too late” things we could have done better. Any of us can learn from the past and become a better person as a result. At first, all you can probably think of is what you have lost, but recognizing past mistakes has the potential to give you a much richer relationship with someone in the future and, believe it or not, that person is likely to be even more suited to you than the person you have lost. God can use our every experience to refine us into pure gold. So think of the lessons you’ve learned as God refining you into a true treasure. Many will benefit, including the special person he has for you. Take the lessons on board and start applying them now to your everyday life. You do not need a romantic relationship to use the lesson of being more loving, for example. You can show appreciation and love to your parents, siblings and friends right now. Or maybe you needed to communicate more. Again, you can practice this right now. The more you apply the lessons in everyday life, the more you’ll be ready for the future relationship God has for you. There’s a saying that goes something like: “Don’t look for the right person, be the right person.” For encouragement about God’s ability to bring good from past mistakes, see Turning Wasted Years into Blessing. Final Thoughts By Grantley Morris Breakups hurt. They feel like an enormous loss. Ultimately, however, Christians cannot lose. In the short term, life can seem horrific but God’s commitment to our long term good is unshakable. The early stages of a work of art can seem hopeless, chaotic and ugly, even though the finished masterpiece will take our breath away. Romans Eight comforts us with the glorious truth that no tragedy can cause us to lose the love of the Lord who is so powerful that he brings good out of everything that hits us. All we need do is cooperate with God’s efforts to turn devastation into beauty. This simply involves drawing as close as we can to God and doing things his way. So, as distressing as a breakup is, there is something even more tragic: letting a breakup erode our relationship with God. Blaming God at the very time that we most need his comfort, support and healing is, at the very least, a double whammy. I won’t bother with easy answers. I’ll refuse to consider that you might be one of the multitudes who end up hurt by entering relationships God never wanted them to contemplate. For example, I’ll assume you did not break God’s principles by getting romantically involved with a non-Christian. And I’ll assume you did not get too involved physically before marriage and so suffered from the additional emotional entanglements that brings. Whether they had previously tapped into it or not, simmering just below the surface of most love-starved people is such desperation that they are like someone telling themselves, “God must have wanted me to steal or he wouldn’t have led that woman to leave her purse unattended in church when he knew I was praying for money!” A woman e-mailed me the following: Recently, all signs had been pointing to the Lord bringing a specific Christian man into my life. . . . I know without a shadow of a doubt the Lord was the one who initially brought him in the first place. . . . I had previously prayed to God for companionship. Then God brought this man along only to take him away so soon. I don’t understand why God would do this to me and I wish he never brought that man in the first place to get my hopes up. . . . As confirmed by all the similar e-mails I keep receiving, such powerful emotions are triggered when “boy meets girl” that this, plus a coincidence or two is all it takes for the result to look and feel like an act of God. Being “in love” releases such a chemical cocktail into one’s bloodstream that it is like being high on drugs. Objectivity and sober judgment are left so far behind that built into our very language are such expressions as “love is blind,” and seeing everything “through rose colored glasses.” Rather than offend the woman, however, by suggesting she was as vulnerable as the rest of us is at mistaking something as God’s leading, I replied: Consider Adam and Eve. If ever there were a marriage made in heaven it was that one. And yet Eve sinned and led Adam into sin and then Adam widened the rift by blaming her. Was this God's doing? No, they sinned against God and broke his heart and in doing so they hurt each other. Nevertheless, you will probably still feel like attacking the One person who fully understands you, and (as proved by the cross) so passionately cares about your distress that he would willingly swap places with you if that would help. Your pain is so deep that irrational outbursts are understandable. For a moment, let’s try to think this through, however. Why haven’t you grabbed a knife or gun, forced your loved one into a room and locked the door so that he/she can never leave you? Or why haven’t you pumped him/her full of drugs so that he/she cannot resist you? Or have you sought to hypnotize him/her so that every time you ring a bell he/she involuntarily says, “I love you”? Or what about blackmailing him/her into submission? If your morality would not let you commit such an atrocity, dare you imagine that the Holy One, who alone is truly good, is so despicable as to have even lower moral standards than you? Whether brute force is used or something akin to drugs or hypnotism whereby one’s kidnap victim is too dazed to realize the magnitude of the crime, such a violation of a person’s will is appalling. Having infinite power to dupe people cannot make an atrocity right. Moreover, any sane person would find receiving forced “love” utterly unfulfilling. If it is in any sense forced, it is not love at all. And God operates not by force but love. He is driven by love and the highest morals, even to the point of sacrificing everything for the sake of people who continually break his heart and keep on spurning him. No one knows the pain of rejection like God does. His agony is multiplied beyond comprehension by all the pain and suffering his loved ones feel and all the heartache they cause him by the way they treat him and treat others whom he loves equally passionately. Why does God endure it? Why doesn’t he close his heart? Why doesn’t he enslave everyone? Your pain is your chance to enter into a deeper understanding of the most beautiful thing in the universe: God’s heart. The heart of God is so immense that even in the face of unfathomable pain he still has unbounded joy and peace because, despite his unfulfilled yearning for the love of individuals who break his heart, he is never self-obsessed. He keeps on loving and delights in the happiness of others. To love is to live and to love immensely is to revel in all life’s richness. True love knows no bounds. It embraces everyone, including the unlovable and those who despise us. It is not sexual. It does not seek its own comfort. Unbridled love brings pain, but it also brings joy of divine proportions. Breakups not only tear couples apart, they rip God’s heart. Don’t dare think God is made of stone. If you have ever truly loved, you know that seeing a loved one in agony sends you reeling in pain. God loves you even more intensely. So why did the God with the power to do anything allow the darling of your heart to hurt you? Because God is love. Untold thousands of people break up with God every single day. If the Almighty refuses to lessen his own pain by forcing them into submission, do not insult him by expecting him to corrupt himself by forcing your friend back. Assuming it is truly in our best interest, the God of love will do everything that your friend lets God do to help him/her return, but if he/she still refuses to forgive and/or see reason, the One who can do no wrong will not abuse his power. No matter how much truth is in the saying, “Power corrupts and absolute power corrupts absolutely,” it does not apply to the Perfect Lord. He refuses to abuse his power. The pain your breakup has caused is the deepest revelation you have so far had of the pain in God’s heart over all those who misunderstand him, turn their back on him and walk off into unspeakable danger. You and God have more in common than ever. Draw near to him, comfort him and let him comfort you. I was digging a hole; pounding into the hard clay with a heavy iron crowbar that was almost as tall as me. Deeper and deeper I dug until the top was over my head. Everything was going fine until just once the crowbar, instead of plunging into the dirt, smashed into my big toe. For a while, that toe seemed like the most important thing in my universe. Pain does that. Human relationships are important and when they send us careering in pain they assume horrendous importance. Nevertheless, our relationship with God is even more critical and will last not just a lifetime but for all eternity. Human relationships become a source of immense disappointment and heartache when we try to wring from them love, understanding and fulfilment of an intensity or perfection that only a perfect God of infinite love and wisdom can offer. Please don’t slide into the slimy quicksand of trying to claw from a human what only God can give. Instead, deepen your relationship with the One who alone has perfect love and will never leave. What Your Fantasies Reveal God: The Perfect Love You Have Always Craved Forgive? You’ve Got to be Joking! Turning Hate into Healing God Loves Me? God’s Love Revealed to You Discovering the Depths of God’s Intimate Love for You

For several days I have been tormented with blasphemous thoughts. I have not been able to sleep at night. I began to think that the thoughts were from me and was beginning to doubt even my own salvation. This has weighed heavily on my soul and finding your pages was truly a Godsend. I realize now that this torment coincides with my asking God for a renewal of the Holy Spirit in my life and a commitment to evaluate all of my actions to the standard of “does what I am doing help to build up or to break apart the kingdom of God?” as well as with a renewed effort to resist certain temptations. I began to weep as I realized that this is the devil preying upon my weakness as I attempt to come closer to God, and as I read more I again became confident in Christ’s saving power. I could feel the weight lifting off of me. Thank you for being a vehicle for God’s love at a crucial and difficult time. I would appreciate your prayers as well as your discretion (I haven’t told my wife about this at all, or anyone else. I was too ashamed of my thoughts). Above all praise the Lord Jesus Christ for his remarkable gift! Comment by Grantley Note that this attack was not because the person was slipping but because of a spiritual advance. The forces of darkness were apparently seeing his renewed determination as a threat. If we could fully discern the spirit realm we would probably see the attack as a mark of honor. This testimony is shared with permission, but on the condition that the person’s name not be revealed. Suffering such tormenting but needless shame reminds me of many survivors of child sex abuse who have confided in me. What makes child molesters particularly despicable is that innocents not only suffer horrifically but they are usually hoodwinked into believing that what they have suffered is their fault, not the molester’s. It is sad that so many dear folk who have been spiritually molested through no fault of their own – often specifically because they were making significant spiritual progress – battle similar crippling shame, when they are actually God’s darling, innocent children. Yet Another Testimony My Battle with Condemning Thoughts & Dreams More Help Needed People keep e-mailing me, desperate for a quick fix so that they can get the relief they crave without having to read all these webpages. They are wasting their time and mine, however, because in all my years of anguished prayer and fervent seeking, I have failed to find an alternative to having to keep reading all these webpages. Take a rest now, if required, but you will need to read more. Important: Get your pastor and those who care about you to read Scrupulosity  and the pages it leads to. Few will be able to understand and support you without reading them. The Beginning The only way to not miss any of this feast of uplifting webpages about false guilt is to start at Feeling Condemned? There’s Hope! and follow each link. You won't regret it! Feeling Rejected by God  An important part of this series of webpages Unforgivable?  The part of the series that deals with the unforgivable sin Testimonies  They thought they were unforgivable

There’s Hope! About this page: Ken, as we shall call him, has been used of God in youth ministry, despite being haunted by uncontrollable thoughts praising Satan, by terrifying dreams saying he was dammed, and blasphemous thoughts about the Holy Spirit. “It was as if a demon were sitting on my head, accusing me of every evil in the world 24/7!” he writes, “ . . . I was often depressed and often doubting my salvation.” Ken shares his experiences in the hope that it might encourage others who battle condemning thoughts and dreams. The Testimony I have been so touched and blessed by the help and testimonies on the NetBurst.Net Website. I can’t tell you how healing it is to know that I’m not alone, and that there is victory over these oppressive things some of us believers suffer in the mind! My first experience as a believer was as a child picking up the Bible with a sense of wonder, thinking to myself, “Wow! This is the word of God!” I believe this was a special moment for God, as well for me, to see little me, perhaps six or eight years believing in such a pure way. Around that time I had two powerful dreams featuring Jesus. In the first dream, I saw very vividly Jesus on the cross, paying for my sins. I woke up crying! I cried for a long time over what he went through, though I don’t think at the time I fully understood it. It was very powerful. The second dream came soon after. This time I remember Jesus showing me the whole world covered with fire! He said to me, “I’m holding this back for you!” Wow! I don’t imagine he meant just me, but as I recall this dream now I wonder how much longer he will hold it back, and am I ready? As I grew older I drifted away from God. I read from the New Testament and made little prayers, but that was the whole sum of my walk with God for a long time. Still, I remember being touched by Solomon’s prayer for wisdom. I made the same prayer. I also offered many other prayers, about not growing proud, about God making me truly grateful for salvation, that he would get me through the narrow door no matter what it cost me, that I would never marry the wrong woman, and a few other prayers I can barely remember. To be honest, I see the Lord truly has answered all the prayers that could be fulfilled so far, which is amazing in itself! In my teenage years I grew farther and farther away from my faith until I was even exploring some very New Age ideas and astrology and the like. God hadn’t finished with me, though. In the most unlikely of places I met a Christian who was very heavily into Bible prophecy. He truly inspired me; waking me up to the fact we are in the last days. I was soon praying to God for forgiveness, asking for salvation, but at the same time I wasn’t really repenting of some sins. Still, I believe God was again working with me. I was praying and seeking him again. Not long after this, I attended a big church meeting. I was very impressed by their dedication to God and I soon joined. I lived in a Christian community; even gladly giving up all my wages. I often witnessed on the streets with them. Once we came against Satanists. They were spitting at some of the brothers. Even people praying for us had a brick thrown through their window while they prayed! The day we first left on this witnessing trip a man shouted praise to Satan and threatened to cut throats! It was at this time that I sat with a stranger to share the gospel with him but, instead, he severely messed with my mind. He acted like he knew me. I asked if he knew something about me. He said it [whatever the mysterious thing he seemed to know about me was] would destroy me. This shook me to the core! I had no idea who he was. He asked me why I was with this church and implied it was because I like feeling loved. The man was completely cold and he walked away, saying little after he saw he had shaken me up. With just a few words he left me in tears, shaking and full of fear! He didn’t as much as know my name, and yet it all worked together to break me. I have forgiven him but I believe something very nasty and demonic occurred in our conversation. Soon afterward, against my own will, I started having thoughts praising Satan in my head! It was shocking and horrible but I simply could not stop them coming. I just carried on and ignored them. To be honest, I wasn’t too bothered, as I knew I truly disagreed with those silly thoughts. I also knew God knew that, too. My libido and immaturity threw a wrench in the works. I was extremely sexually frustrated and desperate for a girlfriend. I got in an argument with the house leader over who, and when, I should date, and I lost my patience. I left, asking for time out to think. After leaving this church, I was very vulnerable. I was still dealing with these thoughts, still freaked about the strange guy, and still very sexually frustrated. The night I returned home to my parents after leaving the community, I was really relishing the thought of venting all my frustration through masturbation, but I wanted to do it without sin, so I did it while looking at drawings of girls instead of photos. “This could not possibly be sin,” I told myself, “as the girls are not real. How could I fornicate or commit adultery with a drawing?” At the same time I believe God was trying to show me it was wrong, but I wasn’t sure it was God. As I already had voices in my head praising Satan, why should I listen to any voice in my head? That night I had a terrifying dream in which a black man said to me, “I have damned you to hell.” I woke up in sheer terror, but as I did, I saw like a kaleidoscope of numbers. It was like something from the movie The Matrix, only with many colors. It was very . . . digital. It was more like someone had put a computer in my head than a normal dream. That aside, I was in sheer panic! Who was this man? Was it God? He never said who he was or anything other than judgment. I prayed and prayed, trembling in fear, begging for mercy, asking for another chance, not sure whether this man was from God or the enemy. What was with all the digital stuff? If it was God, why didn’t he say so? The guy in the dream seemed just plain weird to me, but very scary. For the next few months, I woke everyday full of fear and saying repeatedly to God and to myself, “Heaven or hell?” It was unbearable. I was a broken man, but I got on with life. I preached the gospel to all I met. I asked God to give me a dream to nullify the last one, or I would lose my mind. I joined a church. I was still sinning often with porn, but I was just as often grieved by my sin and desperately seeking a wife so I wouldn’t need to burn with passion and sin anymore. One special day, I had my next dream. In this dream, I walked into an empty bar, and God was sitting there. He looked like Morgan Freeman from the movie Bruce Almighty, but I just had this knowing it was God. I walked over and sat next to him. He said to me, “What are you worried about?” I replied, “I’m scared I’m going to hell.” He then picked up some papers next to him. I knew somehow this was my life written down. He held them and looked at me. “You have nothing to worry about.” he said. With that I woke up full of joy! That very same morning I found out my girlfriend was cheating on me with my friend. I didn’t care. I forgave both of them instantly! I was just so relieved to have had that dream! Not long after this, I went on a Christian camp, where I had a half waking vision of men with upside down silver crosses doing some ritual. I wondered if I were some sort of target. Over the next few years I got on with serving God. My bad thoughts grew worse again, but this time they changed. As I was riding my bike, a terrible thought about the Holy Spirit came into my mind against my will. I was shocked, but again I realized it wasn’t my heart. I love God and his Spirit of love, joy and peace! I tried to ignore the thought, but it kept returning. Of course, I wrestled with fears about blaspheming God’s Spirit, but I knew the thoughts were very much against my heart, so I just kept telling God that the thoughts are not my heart, and that I hate them. I knew God knew I was being honest with him. While all this was going on, I started a youth group with a friend at my church. We did well and had many young people come in over the years. I also had some amazing answers to prayer, including my wonderful fiancée! But before she came along, the enemy had a go with a married woman. I was so close to going with her but my faith in God, though a bit weak in some areas, stopped me sleeping with her. God was still there for me. He made a way out, provided me a great apartment, job and fiancée all around the same time! I praise him always for his faithfulness with these things! More recently, things have been more intense. Last year, I redoubled my effort to draw near to God, praying he would make me clean. I made some special fasts and really started to deal with my besetting sins, especially pornography and worldly things that really had no part in my life. As I did this, however, my horrible thoughts grew worse and worse. It was as if a demon were sitting on my head, accusing me of every evil in the world 24/7! I read a very spiritual testimony about a girl who had been shown heaven and hell. It changed me forever, as there were some excellent warnings about sins I had been ignoring and not dealing with. As I was reading this testimony, I saw two bright flashes at the end of my bed! I wasn’t alarmed for some reason. I felt that a spiritual battle was going on around me. And the battle became intense. One morning, I awoke seeing strange digital images again – like it was fake – and a voice saying in my head, “You will never be saved.” I found myself repeatedly crying out to God, because almost every hour of every day I was having thoughts of hopelessness. Some being was telling me such things as, “It’s too late,” or “No hope” – anything to dishearten me. And it worked. I was often depressed and often doubting my salvation. I fought against the voices, sometimes in victory and sometimes in defeat, leaving me in tears and feeling lost. One morning, I awoke with the usual horrible thoughts. When I get these thoughts I normally cry out to God. This time, I fell back to sleep after not bothering to fight but almost accepting the condemnation. Then I had a dream seeing lots of people in white sitting on benches in a park. I was there, too. Jesus was silently walking past all these people. As he walked past me, he spoke to me, but not with his mouth. Instead, I received a concept in my mind, fully formed. He said, “You have a sword and a shield. Use them”. He also said to me, “Don’t think in terms of where you are going in the future. Instead, think, ‘Am I pleasing God in what I’m doing now?’ ” This was so helpful! Just as I was giving up, he told me to fight. He showed me my worry was useless. I’ve never had such good advice. Well, that about brings me to where I am today. The battle never stops. Every day – almost every hour of every waking moment – condemning thoughts come to me, telling me such things as there’s no escape or I am going to hell. Sometimes the thought comes, “It is the devil. He is lying.” You might imagine that latter thought would help. It does a bit, but the condemning thoughts just don’t stop. I have prayed for deliverance many times, but there has been no let up. I guess it is my cross to bear. I remember the apostle’s thorn in the side: God’s power is perfected in weakness. Despite the horror and nastiness of this battle, however, it truly has helped me grow in some important ways. It has accelerated my dealing with my sins, too. I’m quite ruthless now in getting rid of any cause of sin. In the past, I had tried to reason my way out of it. I don’t believe God has ever given up on me, even though sometimes it does feel like it. As a side note, I’m now fairly sure that I have Religious OCD. I’m currently trying, with some degree of success, the inositol remedy mentioned elsewhere on this website (Natural Cures for Anxiety-Related Illnesses). I was always a heavy coffee drinker and apparently too much caffeine can kill inositol, which seems to be an important factor in mental stability. I’m also more often victorious now, knowing that God is both able and willing to forgive me if I repent (1 John 1:9) and that he will never leave me or nor forsake me (Hebrews 13:5). I would like to say to anybody going through similar stuff, never ever give up! Endurance is so important if we are to be overcomers. And God is good! I would also like to ask anybody who reads this to say a little prayer for me that I will be strong in my battles. God bless you all! You Need More: If you want a rest from reading, now is a good time. If you worry that you are in spiritual danger, however, you will need to return to these webpages whenever you can and read more. Record the web address of the next webpage before leaving. Important: Get your pastor and those who care about you to read Scrupulosity  and the pages it leads to. Few will be able to understand and support you without reading them. The Beginning The only way to not miss any of this feast of uplifting webpages about false guilt is to start at Feeling Condemned? There’s Hope! and follow each link. You won't regret it! Feeling Rejected by God  An important part of this series of webpages Unforgivable?  The part of the series that deals with the unforgivable sin Testimonies  They thought they were unforgivable

My Fears About the Unpardonable Sin Angry at God, yet longing for his love; fearing my sin was unforgivable, yet never wanting eternal rejection; at last I’m finding peace with God This testimony is by 28 year old man who prefers to remain unnamed. When, many years ago, my parents stopped attending church, I stopped, too. Four years ago, after many personal problems, depression, tendency to homosexuality (in my thoughts), and a growing unbelief toward God, I felt the need to know God. I prayed, crying over my sins and asking the Lord for mercy and forgiveness. And he answered. He let me know the message of salvation in Christ, and I accepted it. I was so thankful. I found myself continually thanking the Lord for his love and his salvation, asking him, “Why have you saved me ? How could you have loved me ?” He changed my life and my thoughts. He removed depression and homosexuality from me, and gave me great peace and the joy of calling him “Father.” He made me a new creature. Just a few days later, as I was reading the Bible, Satan was almost successful in convincing me that I could not be saved because of my past sins, but the Lord helped me. A couple of days later, while I was reading Mark 3:29 about the sin of blaspheming the Holy Spirit, I remembered that since I was a child, sometimes blasphemous thoughts against the Lord had popped into my mind. I hated those thoughts and didn’t know what to do against them. So, after reading that Scripture, I was soon convinced that I had committed the unforgivable sin. The pain was horrible. Until that moment, I had felt a strong communion with the Lord. I longed for his love and his will more than anything else. But now I felt like a child rejected by his father. I didn’t understand that the Deceiver was trying trick me with his lies, like he lied to Jesus in the wilderness. I thought I was the only Christian on earth to have this problem. I can’t adequately describe my distress. I was overwhelmed with devastating depression, turmoil, confusion. I cried for weeks asking God not to forsake me. I still loved him and could somewhat feel he had not really gone, but it was as if I were in a pit and couldn’t understand what was happening above. Slowly I became bitter and angry with God, but I repented of this attitude again and again asked him to forgive me. I cried a lot, praying incessantly, but each time with less faith than before. The blasphemous thoughts multiplied and I felt powerless. My doubts about God’s love increased. It seemed to me that he was a God of love who loved everyone, except me. In those months the Lord helped me by letting me know stories of people who had committed gross sins against him and were not forsaken. He let me find two sermons, one by George Whitefield and another by C.H. Spurgeon, who talked about my problem. Those thoughts that I had presumed to be only my problem, were clearly described as an attack by the enemy. I began to understand that I had not been rejected, but was just in a spiritual trial. I asked God for forgiveness and help. The buildup of months of resentment and bitterness, however, had weakened my faith. And when those thoughts came again stronger and more intensely, I could not accept that they came from Satan, rather than me. I concluded that my heart must be hopelessly wicked. So I again fell into discouragement, unbelief, depression, and crying. All the while, I kept praying and asking God for help, but my prayers were mere laments than having any expectation that God would respond. Every now and then, I realized that God had not abandoned me, but then I remembered my former irritation at God, my unbelief, my failures, and I felt that God could not accept me anymore. Gradually, however, the Lord helped me and restored me. Once again I asked God for his forgiveness. Many churches in my country are cold and I didn’t feel love and good doctrine in them. Last year, the Lord sent me a brother in Christ who invited me to visit his church. I felt Christ’s love in that place and in all of the people there. I felt refreshed and enthused, but after a while I couldn’t feel the Lord’s presence anymore. I felt barren, while all my brothers and sisters in Christ seemed always joyful and radiant. I prayed and looked for communion with God. On rare occasions I found it but even then it did not last. I began to see that part of the problem was that even if I know God’s promises and what Jesus has done for me, my faith was based primarily on my feelings, rather than what God has done. Moreover, those promises have become to me like a “law” (if I do this, God will do that) rather than his promises being God’s undeserved gift. All these things had saddened my soul to the point that for a few weeks I had once again some bitterness against the Lord, and even started thinking that God could be cruel to people, leaving them to suffer instead of saving them. I repented of those thoughts, because I know that the Lord is truly love. But this is yet another failure that I have collected. These trials have been very hard for my small faith, so whenever I can’t feel his presence I easily forgot his help and his promises, and become the enemy’s prey again. When I see the years behind me I feel so discouraged, and often feel like the people of Israel of old when they were in the wilderness and God had to forsake them there because of their unbelief. [ Comment by Grantley: It is common when we are defeated to interpret God’s actions negatively. In reality, the Lord did not forsake the Israelites despite their lack of faith. He simply kept them in the wilderness where he continued to miraculously look after them. ] Sometimes I wonder if God could ever forgive and restore me, and even if I know that he has done it in the past, I just don’t have the strength to get up and pray with faith. So I almost couldn’t believe my eyes when I found Grantley’s pages about the unforgivable sin and blasphemous thoughts! They described my condition perfectly, comforted my soul greatly, and finally showed me the way out. I have asked the Lord for forgiveness and now I’m free! Like Christy, whose testimony is on this website, I had kept my problem a secret. I never mentioned a word of it to my family, my friends, my pastor, because I thought nobody would understand. And the saddest part was that I was denying myself the help I desperately needed. I couldn’t carry that weight all by myself, and without that support I more easily fell for Satan’s lies. I had also started thinking it could be a form of demon possession, that I had lost my salvation, and so on. Like Christy, I know what it means to be mentally tortured, screaming at the top of one’s lungs, and being plagued by those terrible thoughts. Sometimes even the thought of suicide came to my mind. Even though it all started with those blasphemous thoughts, the problem slowly changed when I felt that the Lord couldn’t forgive me. I felt too much shame to seek help and despised myself for my reactions, unbelief, murmuring, etc. and I believed that the Lord had abandoned me. I missed so much because I failed to apply to myself God’s special promises. I kept thinking they applied only to other people. Now, I know that God’s promises are for everyone – even me. All the Help You Need To keep worrying that God is displeased with you or cannot forgive you is like worrying that God might die. Nevertheless, anyone hounded by such worries both needs and deserves an enormous amount of support. It’s all here for you, provided free so that you have no excuse, but to access it all, you will have to read it all, and for daily support you will need to return every day to read it. Next Testimony The False Shame of Blasphemous Thoughts Important: Get your pastor and those who care about you to read Scrupulosity  and the pages it leads to. Few will be able to understand and support you without reading them. The Beginning The only way to not miss any of this feast of uplifting webpages about false guilt is to start at Feeling Condemned? There’s Hope! and follow each link. You won't regret it! Feeling Rejected by God  An important part of this series of webpages Unforgivable?  The part of the series that deals with the unforgivable sin Testimonies  They thought they were unforgivable

My Thirty-Year Battle with Blasphemous Thoughts Rose tells of her long battle with blasphemous thoughts. Her testimony shows that through Christ we can win, no matter how black things seem and how prolonged the fight. It is nearly thirty years ago – when I was twenty years – when I was first bothered by the thought that I had committed the unpardonable sin. My mother and a few other people tried to convince me otherwise, and I would believe them for a while, but I would always go back to thinking I had actually committed this sin. I soon became obsessed with this fear, and could think of little else. Things soon went from bad to worse. I started getting all manner of terribly evil lies about the Holy Trinity in my head. These disgusting thoughts simply refused to go away. There was also much cursing and swearing directed toward God. It grew so bad that I couldn’t function at work anymore. I had to quit my job and move back home. I would hang around the house all day, not doing much of anything but crying and trying to fight these thoughts. I started writing letters to God and began acting strangely. I would talk out loud to myself and cry out loud as well. I completely lost my appetite because whenever I went to eat something, I was made to feel guilty. And then one horrible day, a thought came into my mind, “What if I start believing these lies?” I apologized to God almost immediately, saying, “Oh Lord, how could I even think such a thought? I could never believe these terrible lies about you.” But it was too late – the damage was done. Not too long after, a sarcastic voice started to taunt me. It began murmuring inside my head: “Now you’ve really done it! Now you’re going to believe these lies!” I started crying and shaking my head, “No, no, I’ll never believe them!” But it seemed the more I protested, the more the thought seemed to take root in my mind. And then it happened. My worst possible nightmare had come true. I didn’t know who God was anymore. I couldn’t tell the difference between the truth and the lies. I wasn’t sure that God was a good God, anymore. This terrified me. I thought I was doomed and on my way to hell. But I thought I had at least to try to fight these lies and defend what I believed in. So I would read passages from the Bible and try to prove to myself that God was good. Some days I would know who God was again, but other days would be filled with doubts and self-loathing. Finally, about six months after this all started, I decided that I had to snap out of it. I couldn’t take it anymore; it was driving me crazy. I decided the only option was to stop thinking about God altogether. Day by day, little by little, I began to force myself to take an interest in what was going on around me, and to put God out of my mind as much as possible. And I think I was fairly successful in doing this. Over the years, whenever I thought about the Lord, it wasn’t too long before the terrible thoughts would come back again. Whenever this happened I would say, “I’m sorry, Lord, I just can’t think of you.” And then once again, I would push him out of my mind. This, I’m ashamed to admit, was more of a convenience than anything. I didn’t really want God in my life, anyway. I was more interested in drinking and partying, and since I knew that God wouldn’t approve of this life style, it was better that he was out of the picture. I used to drink a lot because I was very shy and it helped me be more social. But it was also to numb the pain I was feeling. I always thought that some day, when I was older, I would return to God but not now while I was trying to have a “good” time. So for the next fifteen years or so, I hardly thought about God at all, except maybe when I wanted something. It wasn’t until I was going through a particularly rough time in my life, that I decided I needed him. One day I said, “Lord, I don’t want to do it on my own anymore, please come back into my life.” I immediately sensed God’s love, and felt that he was pleased with my decision. At first, things were great. I felt very close to God and, although I was still drinking at the time, I felt that God was on my side, and that my life was headed in the right direction. It wasn’t too long, however, before those horrifically blasphemous thoughts about God started creeping back. They kept getting worse and worse and I was helpless to stop them. Soon they were occupying my thoughts day and night. They were at their worst first thing in the morning. When I woke up, my mind would be flooded with all manners of disgusting thoughts about the Holy Trinity. They were the vilest lies anyone could think of about God. They attacked the very essence of him – his goodness. I was horrified, especially now that I wanted him back in my life. I wanted to die, rather than listen to any more of these blasphemous lies about God. After experiencing God’s love for me again there was no way now that I could just forget about God, like I had in the past. I didn’t want to forget about him. I didn’t want to live without him! The thoughts terrified me. I would cry out to God, “Why won’t you help me?” When the lies about God wouldn’t stop, I would get mad at God. Sometimes I would even conjure up the evil thoughts on my own, and then would laugh hysterically, almost as if I were trying to shock him into healing me saying, “See! This is what happens, when you won’t heal me.” But the worst was yet to come. Soon I began to have all manner of doubts about the Holy Trinity and the Bible. I felt like I didn’t know who God was anymore, not even whether he was good or bad. This, I felt, was the most horrible betrayal of all. I thought this was as close to the unpardonable sin as one could ever get. I felt like the worst sinner alive. And I can’t even bring myself to tell you of a lie I suffered that is even more evil (if that even seems possible). Deep down, however, I knew that God was good, and I would chant over and over in my mind, like a mantra: “God is so good. Just look at the world and how beautiful it is. An unholy God couldn’t make such a beautiful world. That’s how I know that God is good.” But I still wasn’t sure that God was good. I also had doubts about Jesus really being the Son of God and dying on the cross for our sins. I would read all the verses in the Old Testament that prophesied about Jesus, over and over. And then I would try to force myself to believe. But my mind somehow couldn’t seem to grasp any of this. I was spiritually blind to the truth. During these periods of disbelief in God, the lies would dwindle away to almost nothing. It was only when I was able to believe in God, that they would start up again full force. So either I believed in God, but I would be tormented by the evil lies day and night, or I didn’t know who God was, and the persecution would ease up considerably. It was a continual cycle. To believe in the Lord was the most important thing in the world to me. I so desperately wanted to believe, but I couldn’t seem to hold on my faith for long. I would believe for a while, but I would always be worried that my faith would be snatched away from me. And whenever I believed, I would always be checking myself to make sure that I really did believe. I would wake up in the morning and would ask myself if I believed, and then I would tell myself something like, “Yes, I do believe. I believe in the Father, Son and Holy Spirit. God is a good God.” I had to reassure myself continuously that my faith was still there. Sunday mornings at church, I would think if only I could just soak up all the faith that I felt from the congregation around me. I felt that if only I could believe like these people, I wouldn’t ask for a thing more. When people would complain about any hardship they were facing, I wanted to say to them, “Yes, but you believe. You don’t know how lucky you are to believe!” I had no one to talk to about this. I was too ashamed to ask my minister for help. I would try to tell my mother or a Christian friend about what I was going through, but neither of them seemed to understand. They would both ask what I meant by “lies,” but they were such repulsive thoughts against God that I seemed unable to force myself to repeat them to anyone. I felt I was pretty much on my own with this. But then one day, I happened to come across this website you are reading, and I read. And after reading Grantley’s article on the unpardonable sin and the testimonies that followed, I was never again bothered by the thought that I had committed the unpardonable sin. I finally got it! Even when I didn’t know that God was good, I knew that it wasn’t really God that was in the wrong, it was me. I truly believe that reading Grantley’s article was the beginning of my healing. This is not to say I was by any means healed overnight. I still had, at times, terrible doubts about the Lord and still suffered sometimes from the blasphemous thoughts, but at least I wasn’t haunted by the thought that I was unforgivable. About five years have passed since then. And it’s only been about the last six months, where I can honestly say that I am healed once and for all of this terrible sickness. In fact, up until then, I was reading up on other faiths, just to make sure that there wasn’t a different way to find God. Today, the blasphemous thoughts are gone. But what’s even better, I don’t fear that these lies will ever come back again or that I will lose my faith. This fear would always lead to my downfall in the past. My faith would be restored, but there was always that little spot of fear at the very back of my mind that I would lose my faith again at any moment. By worrying about it, I wasn’t trusting God at all. Today though, my mind is crystal clear and my heart is set, and I know whose side I am on. Better yet, God is on my side. I share this testimony because I want people suffering with this type of illness to know that as long as you believe in Christ’s power to forgive all sin, then you have nothing to fear. God is so loving, and even though it might not always seem that way at the time, he only wants what is best for you. Rose updates her testimony: I first wrote to you about six years ago about the unpardonable sin. I have lost my job for over three years now. I have Multiple Sclerosis and problems with my balance, as well as muscle weakness. So since I was working at a factory and standing all day, they were worried I was going to fall and hurt myself. But I am not complaining. In spite of it all, I am feeling great. I believe in my Lord and Savior, and that is the most important thing in my life. God is wonderful! I had to write, because I was enjoying reading the New Testament yesterday morning when I thought of how lucky I was to be able to read my Bible like this, and how much I thanked God for healing me. I recall when I would try to read my Bible, and couldn’t read anything except the Psalms. Sometimes I would drop my Bible in horror, when I had the blasphemous thoughts. But now it so wonderful to be able to think about God and praise him, and I just wanted to thank him for all he’s done for me. Comment by Grantley “I felt very close to God,” wrote Rose about an early stage in her spiritual battle. The weakness in her testimony is mention of such feelings and the fact that she is no longer tormented by repulsive thoughts about God. The real heroes are those who continue to be plagued by guilt feelings and disgusting thoughts but keep clinging to Christ regardless and stubbornly refuse to let it in any way hinder a beautiful relationship with God. They are the ones who receive Heaven’s standing ovation. An easy life is no more a measure of spiritual success than being fat and lazy is a measure of athletic prowess. Next Testimony Haunted by Blasphemous Thoughts Important: Get your pastor and those who care about you to read Scrupulosity and the pages it leads to. Few will be able to understand and support you without reading them. The Beginning The only way to not miss any of this feast of uplifting webpages about false guilt is to start at Feeling Condemned? There’s Hope! and follow each link. You won't regret it! Feeling Rejected by God An important part of this series of webpages Unforgivable? The part of the series that deals with the unforgivable sin Testimonies They thought they were unforgivable

Why Christians are Plagued by Ugly Thoughts About God The Help and Answers You Need Please understand that all my webpages on this subject apply to all uncontrollable unchristian thoughts or mental images, not merely thoughts you might regard as blasphemous. I received the following e-mail and have permission to share it anonymously. It highlights the problem that most of us face when plagued by blasphemous thoughts about the Holy Spirit or other unwanted, ugly thoughts: Your website has helped me tremendously. Over the past two and half months I’ve been having terribly blasphemous thoughts. It worried me at first. I thought they were my own thoughts and so I got really scared. Then I found your website and I just about broke down after reading some of it. I’m a guy in college, so crying doesn’t come easily. I just want you to realize how much you have helped me to realize I’m normal, that these are not my thoughts, and that many, many other people have suffered just as I have. It helped a lot, but it all came back to me a week later and I’m not doing so well anymore. I’m getting extreme anxiety over these thoughts. Also, the thoughts have built shame in me and I get embarrassed very easily around people now. It’s like I’ve lost my confidence and feel responsible for these thoughts. What can I do so I don’t blush so easily whenever these topics come up? Also, what can I do to combat the thoughts? They get triggered so easily. Please help me. I feel trapped. See what happened? After finding freedom, he was slipping back into accepting the thoughts as his own. This is common. With our every advance we can expect a counterattack in which the devil will try to retake the ground we have gained. We must stubbornly resist the pressure to surrender to his lies, whether it be false condemnation or believing that we are responsible for thoughts we do not want. In war, the enemy can gain a major tactical advantage by making a show of attacking at one location when it is actually about to launch its main assault at a different location. If one falls for this trick, most of one’s defenses are moved from the area where they are critically needed and focused where they are not so needed. Don’t waste your resources getting sidetracked into self-examination or fighting thoughts or guilt feelings. No matter how real and scary they seem, they are just cardboard cut-outs. The real battlefront is whether you believe that Jesus died for the sins of the world – believing that through Jesus forgiveness is available for every sin that anyone could ever commit, provided one accepts it. Consider this scenario: A teenager is head over heels in love with the girl of his dreams. Cindy is stunningly beautiful in his eyes. Her spiteful sister, however, is insanely jealous and desperately wants to sabotage the relationship. So she hatches a plan. She keeps dropping hints to Cindy that she is fat and that no boy would ever want her. Cindy begins to panic and does everything she can think of to lose weight but her sister keeps insisting that Cindy is so ugly that any boy showing interest in her would be secretly disgusted with her and merely pretending to like her so that he can boast to others about how he tricked her and then dumped her. Cindy ends up so focused on losing weight and so convinced that she is ugly that every indication of love from her would-be boyfriend is misinterpreted. She grows so certain that he would dump her that she thinks the only way to protect herself from heartbreak is to keep pushing him away. That is like the plan the devil has hatched to try to sabotage our relationship with God. He wants us so fixated on trying to fight unwanted blasphemous thoughts and so foolishly convinced that they render us repulsive to God that we misinterpret our Lord’s every expression of love for us. The devil wants us to push God away through being duped into wrongly supposing that ugly thoughts render us unacceptable to the God who is head over heels in love with us – the God who went to the extreme of the cross to totally forgive everyone whose faith is in him. Instead of getting to know how loving God really is, we ignore him by becoming so obsessed with ourselves and so focused on our thoughts and feelings that we end up breaking God’s heart by refusing to believe the magnitude of his love for us. We get so distracted by worrying needlessly about insulting God with thoughts we cannot control that we unknowingly fall into the devil’s trap of doing the only thing that truly insults God – not believing in the unlimited power of his love and forgiveness. Unwanted thoughts, no matter how repulsive, are merely pesky flies that refuse to be shooed away. The average person would be annoyed, but would get on with life. People who are obsessed about germs that the flies might carry, however, could become so fearful of a few flies that they lose sight of the big picture and abandon their great potential by daily devoting all their efforts to trying to fight the flies. The real danger is not the germs but letting the fear of germs get so out of control that it keeps them from the important things in life. Likewise, the real danger with uncontrollable blasphemous thoughts is not that they are anti-God but that we become so obsessed with fighting them that we lose sight of how deeply in love with us God is and how much he approves of us because of the magnitude of what Christ achieved by bearing on the cross our every sin. We become so obsessed with trying to shoo thoughts away that we forget the power of the cross and that salvation is freely showered upon everyone who simply accepts it by faith, no matter how appalling or repeated the sin is. What makes most attacks so spiritually dangerous is that they tempt people to focus on themselves instead of keeping their eyes on their Savior. It is like Peter walking on the water. It was a little scary for Peter but it went fine until he took his eyes off Christ and onto the waves. It was then that fear took over and he began to sink. Nevertheless, Jesus was right there and kept him safe. No matter what scary distractions the devil throws at you, keep your focus on Jesus. What matters is not how inadequate you are but how adequate Christ is. Let me say it again: There is no limit to Christ’s power to forgive. People suffering condemnation keep trying to find loopholes in the word of God. They never word it this way, but they think they are some sort of exception that can turn God into a liar. To these people I simply say: which part of all don’t you understand? Psalm 86:5 You are forgiving and good, O Lord, abounding in love to all who call to you. Psalm 103:3 who forgives all your sins . . . Psalm 145:9 The LORD is good to all ; he has compassion on all he has made. Isaiah 38:17  . . . In your love you kept me from the pit of destruction; you have put all my sins behind your back. Isaiah 53:6 We all , like sheep, have gone astray, each of us has turned to his own way; and the LORD has laid on him the iniquity of us all . Jeremiah 33:8 I will cleanse them from all the sin they have committed against me and will forgive all their sins of rebellion against me. Ezekiel 36:25 I will sprinkle clean water on you, and you will be clean; I will cleanse you from all your impurities . . . Micah 7:18-19 Who is a God like you, who pardons sin and forgives the transgression of the remnant of his inheritance? You do not stay angry for ever but delight to show mercy. You will again have compassion on us; you will tread our sins underfoot and hurl all our iniquities into the depths of the sea. John 1:12 Yet to all who received him, to those who believed in his name, he gave the right to become children of God Romans 3:22-24 This righteousness from God comes through faith in Jesus Christ to all who believe. There is no difference, for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, and are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus. Romans 5:18 Consequently, just as the result of one trespass was condemnation for all men, so also the result of one act of righteousness was justification that brings life for all men. Romans 10:12-13  . . . the same Lord is Lord of all and richly blesses all who call on him for, “Everyone who calls on the name of the Lord will be saved.” Titus 2:13-14  . . . our great God and Savior, Jesus Christ, who gave himself for us to redeem us from all wickedness and to purify for himself a people that are his very own . . . 1 John 1:7  . . . the blood of Jesus, his Son, purifies us from all sin 1 John 1:9 If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness. (Emphasis mine.) So I repeat: if you think yourself unforgivable, what part of all don’t you understand? Yet people with an overactive conscience will keep feeling guilty and people trying to help them usually expect to be able to remove those feelings by rational argument, but rational argument simply won’t help. It’s like a person who is afraid of harmless spiders. No amount of rational argument that the spiders are harmless will reduce the person’s fear. Every Christian who is plagued by guilt feelings despite believing in Christ and longing to be free from sin, needs to realize that guilt feelings will remain, and simply choose not to be dominated by those feelings, even though the feelings are unpleasant and upsetting, and the thoughts are disgusting. The real reason for Christians being harassed by blasphemous thoughts is the same reason why forgiven Christians feel condemned. It is a satanic attempt to distract us from the real issue: we are saved by simple faith in Christ, not by works. Unwanted thoughts are simply a form of temptation, and all Christians are tempted. The temptation, however, is not an attempt to get us to think wrong thoughts. Neither God nor the devil cares about the thoughts he puts in our head. The devil’s goal is to get us to doubt the reality of the forgiveness and divine approval that we have in Christ. Mick, who for year after year after year has had a horrific battle with blasphemous thoughts writes: I’m so blessed that I am at last comprehending this affliction. I’m close to beating it, now. I’ve noticed that, despite the extreme lengths I’ve gone in my attempts, I’m literally powerless to stop intrusive thoughts. That being the case, it is futile to attempt to fight the thoughts. So here’s my solution: When unwanted thoughts come, I just let them. I mean it: I let the worst conceivable blasphemous thoughts, disgusting ideas, and so on, come and run their course. It doesn’t matter if I’m guilt ridden, emotionless, have a tight chest, or whatever, I don’t bother trying to resist them. I freely let them happen. Jesus gave the parable of a father who had two sons. One said he would obey, but didn’t. The other said he would not, but did (Matthew 21:28-31). It was the latter son, despite what he said, who pleased the father. So here’s how I look at it: I can have hideous thoughts, yet reject sin. I can think bad things about God, yet worship him. So who cares about the thoughts? Does God? Will he condemn me? No. If I had the thoughts, believed them, and lived them, then yes, I would need to repent, but I don’t even have to bother with that, because the thoughts I suffer are inflicted on me against my will. Mick is right. Suffering blasphemous thoughts, profane images, doubts and guilt feelings, is like being mugged. It is unpleasant, but God is not so cruel and foolish as to blame you for it. And if those things were deliberate, Christ’s priceless sacrifice is not so powerless as to turn into a lie all of God’s promises to forgive all the sins of everyone who puts his/her faith in Christ. Someone else wrote the following. You’ll see it interspersed with my comments in a different color: It seems as though the harder I try to stop vile thoughts against God’s Precious Holy Spirit, the more they come. This is no coincidence. It is precisely how the human mind works. It is guaranteed that the harder we try to stop thinking about something, the more we will think it. It is inevitable. The only solution is to  not  try to stop the thoughts. Don’t bother about them at all. By not trying to stop the thoughts we are displaying faith that it is Christ, not our works – not our efforts to stop thoughts – that saves us. If God had said speaking against blue bears was unforgivable. Then guess what? I would probably have thoughts against blue bears. Exactly. Whatever we most fear, or most upsets us, is sure to predominate in our thinking. That’s just common sense. And if we know that, don’t you think God knows it? Do you really think he is so heartless as to condemn you for the way the human mind works? The thoughts come when I get angry, or aggravated or even after I have been “well behaved” (read the Bible, gone to church, or prayed). Every time I try to draw closer to the Lord I have blasphemous thoughts and then I worry about the unpardonable sin. Even as I am typing thoughts come to my mind. I wish this problem on no one! There has not been a day when I don’t think I am unpardonable, because of some thought. I constantly worry about my salvation every day. Like trying not to think about something, worrying is totally counterproductive. We are saved by faith, not by worrying. Stop fretting. Instead, calmly thank God for your salvation. That is saving faith in action. I have prayed and prayed. Continually praying for salvation is counterproductive. The Bible boldly declares the will of God: 1 Timothy 2:3-4  . . . God our Savior, who wants all men to be saved and to come to a knowledge of the truth. 2 Peter 3:9 The Lord is not slow in keeping his promise, as some understand slowness. He is patient with you, not wanting anyone to perish, but everyone to come to repentance. John 3:16 For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life. (Emphasis mine.) The God who cannot lie has given his word – the Bible – that salvation is God’s will for you. It is what he aches for so much that Jesus willingly allowed himself to be tortured to death for you to have it. And God has given us many promises about answered prayer. Here is one: 1 John 5:14-15 This is the confidence we have in approaching God: that if we ask anything according to his will, he hears us. And if we know that he hears us – whatever we ask – we know that we have what we asked of him. So when you asked for forgiveness through Jesus, this is precisely what he instantly gave you. God doesn’t promise you’ll feel it, taste it, smell it. Our physical senses cannot perceive the supernatural. Neither can our inner feelings perceive it. God doesn’t even promise you won’t be riddled with doubts over it. We know that “we have what we asked of him” solely because God has divinely guaranteed it. The answer to your prayer for salvation depends not on you, but on the integrity of Almighty God, who made the vow, put it in writing and signed it with the blood of Jesus. He pronounced that it will happen, so it happens. End of story. If God says he has given you something, it is lack of faith to ask for it again, as if God might have lied the first time. Just thank God that regardless of what you think or feel, he has already given his salvation. Doubting your salvation is like someone with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder checking locks. He checks that it is locked and feels peace but soon doubts begin. Doubts build higher and higher, anxiety builds until, despite all logic telling him he has already checked, he gives in to the pressure and checks again. It is like an addiction. Every time he gives in to his anxieties by checking again, it strengthens the addiction. The only way to break it is to refuse to check, no matter how strong the anxiety and doubts get. He must learn to tolerate the doubts and anxiety. It is the same with doubting your salvation, being plagued with blasphemous thoughts, and so on. You must learn to tolerate these unpleasant things, no matter how bad they get. The goal is not to reach the point where they stop, but to learn to live with them. This is how you treat the illness – the anxiety disorder – of Religious Obsessive Compulsive Disorder; the mental affliction that causes obsessive blasphemous thoughts and repeated doubts about one’s salvation. This treatment works best when used in conjunction with medication prescribed by doctors for Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. Phobias, such as a fear of spiders, are another type of anxiety disorder. A fear of spiders is overcome by continuing to remain in the presence of harmless spiders, despite the anxiety one feels. It might take weeks, but eventually the anxiety will begin to dissipate as one gradually gets used to tolerating anxiety, rather than giving in to it. You don’t fight spiders; you fight anxiety by refusing to give in to the anxiety. Spiders are not the problem; one’s excessive fear of them is the problem. By refusing to fight (refusing to attempt to kill) harmless spiders, one is exercising faith that they will not hurt you. So it is with unwanted thoughts and doubts. You don’t fight thoughts and doubts; you fight anxiety by refusing to give in to the anxiety. Thoughts and doubts are not the problem; one’s excessive fear of them is the problem. By refusing to fight thoughts and doubts, you are exercising faith in the saving power of Christ. If you were to ask me to pray that the thoughts, disgusting images, guilt feelings, or doubts stop, I wouldn’t, even though I would feel deeply for you. To me to pray that they stop would be giving up on you and treating you as a wimp who has no faith. I believe in you and so does God. I believe you can be subjected to Satan’s barrage and still cling to faith in Christ’s cleansing power and that through doing this you will become a powerful person of God. Mick e-mailed me again: I’m getting so much better. It doesn’t happen overnight. I had a pretty big panic attack the other day, then the bad thoughts were coming fast. I was scared and all of a sudden I started laughing! I said something like, “Lord, you must think me a nut. You know better than me I don’t believe one of these words. From now on when such thoughts come, let’s laugh together.” I believe the key to wellness is to realize that you are literally powerless to prevent unwanted thoughts. I fully agree with Mick. Instead of worrying, laugh it off. Relief certainly won’t happen overnight, and you are sure to have times of severe attack when you feel worse than ever. Remember, however, that neither feelings nor avoidance of unwanted thoughts is the goal. The goal is faith, and faith alone. This is what glorifies God. If you studied that verse, you will know that the deciding factor as to whether your sin can be forgiven has nothing to do with how gross or repeated the sin – God promises in his Word to “purify us from all unrighteousness.” This Scripture (and many others) reveals that whether your sins are unforgivable hinges not on the nature of your sin, but on this one thing: whether God “is faithful and just.” So, despite all of the deceptive smokescreens the tempter puts up, everything boils down to this: do you choose to believe that God is faithful and just? Do you refuse to believe that the God who said he will never leave nor forsake us (Hebrews 13:5) is a liar? When everything within and without screams otherwise, do you stubbornly maintain the scriptural attitude displayed in Romans: “Let God be true, and every man a liar” (Romans 3:4)? Despite prolonged faith battles and horrific doubts, do you keep returning to the truth of Hebrews 6:18 that “it is impossible for God to lie”? Do you cling with all your might to the certainty that the God who said, “Lo, I am with you alway . . .” (Matthew 28:20, KJV) is indeed the God of truth who will keep his word by staying with you? So is God a liar, or is he faithful and just by cleansing the most atrocious sins of the most depraved, repeated offender who wants it? What you choose to believe about this is the real battlefront. It is on this belief that your eternity swings. Everything else is but malicious diversions diabolically designed to dupe you into diverting your energy into fighting useless skirmishes, while leaving the real issue – faith in God’s goodness and power to cleanse every sin – undefended. It’s as though your spiritual enemy uses an accomplice to keep terrifying you by pounding on your front door. You panic, putting all your effort into fortifying the front door, while your enemy is sneaking in through the back, robbing you blind. By seizing your attention, getting you worried about the power of your sin, he has diverted you from the real issue – the one that defeats him every time – the power of your Savior. The critical issue is not how great is your sin, but how great is your Savior; not how much you insult God by sinning but how much you insult him by doubting his promise and his power to save. No sin can keep anyone out of heaven, except the refusal to exercise the simple faith it takes to accept Christ’s forgiveness. No one can believe for you. Only you, by an act of will, can choose to believe. Stop going from person to person or Bible commentary to Bible commentary or from supernatural sign to sign, hoping that any of them can believe for you. Simply by a tenacious act of will, resolve never again to doubt your Savior’s commitment to his promise to cleanse from all unrighteousness everyone who seeks it. If you want forgiveness through Jesus, Almighty God is with you, and through him you can most assuredly win. It is vital, however, to know what victory looks like. Victory is not being free from temptation. It would be defeat if God had to remove all temptation because he concluded you were too weak to overcome it. And since temptation takes the form of thoughts, feelings and doubts, and the tempter is ungodly, victory does not mean not having ungodly thoughts, feelings and doubts. Victory means clinging in faith to the saving power of Christ, no matter how strong the attacks are. Another Angle on Repulsive & Blasphemous Thoughts We all have atrocious thoughts flash through our minds at times. Most of us think the thoughts are ridiculous and just get on with life. Fearing the thoughts and consequently trying to control them, however, turns something normal into a deeply upsetting experience. Suppose you put electrodes on someone’s head, fooling him into thinking you could read his thoughts, then pull out a huge knife, threatening to slit his throat if he thinks of bikini-clad rhinoceroses. He would become so anxious not to think about them ( I must not think of rhinos in bikinis. . . I must not think of rhinos in bikinis. . . I must not think of rhinos in bikinis. . . ) that he wouldn’t be able to stop thinking of rhinos in cute little bikinis. The human brain is made that way. The more afraid we are of thinking of something and the more desperately we try to avoid thinking of it, the more inevitable it is that we will think of it. By fearing a particular thought and trying not to think of it – taking random despicable thoughts far too seriously – we set up a vicious circle that gets worse and worse. Since the affliction is powered by fear/anxiety, people dominated by unwanted thoughts usually suffer from excess anxiety generated by an imbalance in their brain chemistry – a medical condition known to cause Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. Free-floating anxiety locks on to whatever is most important to the person and then the cruel cycle begins. A common example is a new mother who lacks confidence. Her greatest focus of anxiety is the fear of harming her baby. So what flashes through her mind? Harming her baby. This causes her to panic even more and increases her anxiety to stop the thought. So what thought keeps coming to her? Harming her baby. Before long, her mind is flooded with thoughts of stabbing the baby she loves. Enter into her agony for a moment: it would be torment enough to be continually riddled with worry over the safety of the baby who means everything to you, let alone groundlessly believing that you, who are often alone with this darling, are the repulsively evil source of the danger. Never in a million years would she deliberately hurt her baby. The very thought horrifies her. In fact, this is what causes her to fixate on that thought and why she tries her utmost not to think of it. Like telling yourself over and over, “I will not think of rhinos in bikinis,” the thing she is trying so desperately not to think of is exactly what she will think of. It is nothing but a trick of the mind which in fact indicates how much the thought of harming her baby horrifies her and proves what a caring mother she really is and that she would never hurt her baby. So it is with a Christian having blasphemous thoughts. Being continually hounded by these filthy thoughts proves not how bad you are but how much you fear the thoughts. I am sure it would not surprise you to know I feel neither anger nor disgust but deep compassion for mothers suffering the torment of inescapable thoughts of hurting the baby they love. Well don’t for a moment suppose I have more compassion than the God of infinite love! Likewise, not only does you suffering ghastly, filthy thoughts about God not annoy him; it arouses within him deep compassion for you. What dishonors God is not thoughts you cannot control but you supposing that the God whose heart breaks to see you in such anguish is so hateful and lacking in understanding that he condemns you for the thoughts you despise. You need to realize that no matter how hideously disgusting such thoughts are, they cannot harm your relationship with God. He made the human brain. He understands, even when you don’t. He doesn’t condemn – only you torment yourself by failing to realize how forgiving and understanding God is. Don’t treat God as some heartless monster; run to him, knowing that he cares for you. Begin by understanding that Christ died for the forgiveness of the sins of the whole world, which has to include the forgiveness of any thought you could ever think. When Jesus spoke of the unforgivable sin, he was referring to being utterly convinced (not merely having the thought) that Christ can forgive no sin and is not only not the Savior of the world but is demon-possessed. People convinced of this cannot have their sins forgiven, simply because we are saved by faith that Christ was sent by God for the forgiveness of sin and these people are refusing to believe this. If they change their mind and put their faith in Christ, however, then all their sin (including the sin of them believing Christ was of the devil) will be freely forgiven because that is the nature of God. He wants no one to perish but all to come to repentance (1 Timothy 2:3-4; 2 Peter 3:9; Ezekiel 33:11) . For a much deeper exploration of this, see Unforgivable? Blaspheming the Holy Spirit and then keep following the main link toward the bottom of each page. Once you start believing that Jesus truly is the Savior of the world and therefore has the power to forgive everyone who puts their faith in him, and you hold on to this biblical truth no matter what thoughts and doubts and guilt feelings assail you, then you are exercising saving faith. By this you are not only fully forgiven but you are glorifying God by choosing to live by faith and not by fear and feelings. As you hold on to this and stop fearing the thoughts that plague you and you cease trying to fight them, the thoughts will gradually subside. Nevertheless, you can still expect them to return from time to time, and whether you panic or laugh them off determines how frequently they will harass you. I very recently received the following e-mail from a young woman who happily gave me permission to share it with you. Interspersed in a different color are my comments to her. I’ve been struggling with very disturbing and embarrassing thoughts for a year now. Sometimes they got so bad that I would feel tingling in my toes and fingers. The few people I confided in said I had OCD or post-partum stress disorder, which is probably true. Either way, the thoughts pretty much held me captive. Unfortunately, this began at the worst possible time: when I began trying to come back to my relationship with God. The timing is no coincidence. The enemy of our soul seeks to exploit any weakness he can find in us. OCD is driven by anxiety, so it targets the things we are most anxious about – the things that mean the most to us. When your relationship with God grew in importance to you, that became the inevitable target. I was living in a constant cycle of trying to reach out to God but feeling too ashamed and dirty to be forgiven. It is vital that Christians learn to live by faith and not by feelings. Faith in Christ is all about choosing to believe in his saving power rather than believe our feelings, no matter how deceptively real those feelings seem and how demandingly they scream at us. The average person finds it easier to dismiss false feelings than someone with OCD does because the medically induced anxiety feels deceptively like divine conviction, even though it is nothing but a trick of the mind. I felt like I was going through it alone, but one day I was searching the Internet for OCD symptoms and found your website. I was shocked by how many people were suffering the same way. I’ve had literally hundreds of people write to me about it. Their stories and your comments helped me realize that God really does forgive, no matter what. All I have to do is have faith in Christ and his power, and the fear is gone! Absolutely! The problem is that your anxiety is a medical issue (an imbalance in your brain chemistry) so the anxiety will continue no matter what happens spiritually. Moreover, the anxiety  feels  like conviction or a guilty conscience, so your overactive mind is driven to try to find a  spiritual  reason for the feeling, rather than accept the real cause, which is medical. So most Christians with this problem are tempted to fear that the existence of this medically-induced guilty feeling must indicate that they are not forgiven. Driven by this groundless fear, their mind goes to bizarre extremes as to why there might be some loophole in all the Scriptures affirming God’s promise that Christ’s forgiveness is freely available to  all  who put their faith in the saving power of Christ’s sacrifice. For so many people I’ve plugged up what they wrongly supposed to be a loophole and they are flooded with peace – for perhaps a day. But spiritual facts don’t change brain chemistry. Anxiety that feels like guilt continues and so, in a vain attempt to find some rational/spiritual reason for this feeling, their mind keeps searching for yet another supposed loophole in Scripture and before long they think they have found a possible contender. I’ve tried and tried and tried with these dear people until I’ve finally had to concede that no matter how many doubts I resolve for them, their over-active minds will still find new doubts because they keep mistaking medically-induced anxiety for proof that Christ is  not  mighty to save and that all the Scriptures must be fraudulent that claim that he forgives  all  who put their faith in him. For all of us it boils down not to searching Bible Commentaries but to raw faith: will we choose to put our faith in deceptively strong feelings or in the saving power of Christ? Once in a while I let myself forget and get a gross/embarrassing thought or two . . . Such thoughts will return at times regardless of whether you “forget”. but I’m not afraid anymore and I don’t dwell on it. That’s the key! Don’t make a big deal of it. Worrying about it is as groundless as a normal mother worrying about deliberately stabbing her baby. Your brain chemistry might flood you with feelings of anxiety and your mind might fill with repulsive thoughts but no matter how rough the ride gets, everyone who clings in faith to Christ is safe in the arms of the loving, all-powerful Savior. In fact, I can pretty much say that these thoughts have been a blessing in disguise, because I can really understand the power of God’s love and forgiveness, which I didn’t have much of an understanding before. So thank you for your website! God lets his beloved be tempted because he believes in them. He trusts them to keep clinging to him no matter how strong and oppressive the temptation gets. Likewise, he doesn’t prevent unwanted thoughts because he trusts each of us to keep believing in his love and saving power no matter how intense, hideous and distracting the thoughts get. And continually exercising such faith will end up making you spiritually strong, just like continually exerting physical effort would make you physically strong. Hold on: great things are ahead! If you have not yet read Scrupulosity , and the webpages it leads to, I suggest you do so as soon as you are able, as it should significantly increase your understanding of what has been afflicting you. If you have read them, take a break if needed but then please keep reading. You deserve all the support these pages offer. Important: Get your pastor and those who care about you to read Scrupulosity  and the pages it leads to. Few will be able to understand and support you without reading them. The Beginning The only way to not miss any of this feast of uplifting webpages about false guilt is to start at Feeling Condemned? There’s Hope!   and follow each link. You won't regret it! Feeling Rejected by God  An important part of this series of webpages Unforgivable?   The part of the series that deals with the unforgivable sin Testimonies   They thought they were unforgivable

Unforgivable! Hebrews 6:4-6 For it is impossible for those who were once enlightened, and have tasted of the heavenly gift, and were made partakers of the Holy Ghost, And have tasted the good word of God, and the powers of the world to come, If they shall fall away, to renew them again unto repentance; seeing they crucify to themselves the Son of God afresh, and put him to an open shame.” (KJV) Introduction by Grantley Morris Despite being a Christian for very many years, Lynne regularly enjoyed in her fantasies wild sex with animals. She had what she believed to be an imaginary friend and stumbled upon a www.netburst.net webpage about how, for Christine, imaginary friends had turned out to be demons. (Part of Christine’s testimony appears on the previous page: Forsaken by God?) Slowly and reluctantly, Lynne came to the devastating conclusion that her imaginary friend was actually a demon. She contacted us and was soon totally delivered, but not before demons had manifested themselves to her in such a way that it become undeniably obvious to her that she indeed been intimate with demons. I questioned Lynne as to whether she wanted me to share these facts and provide her real name in this testimony. She replied: Yes, you may use anything I have written – including the sex with demons – and you may use my real name. Seriously, I’m not nervous or afraid of this. I don’t want anyone experiencing what I experienced. People need to know they do not have to live this way. Yes, there is a way out, and that way is Jesus Christ. He died on that cross for all my sins. He only has a problem if I wilfully continue in my sins....yet there is still forgiveness, if I regret my sin and seek forgiveness through Jesus. Soon after Lynne had forced the demons to leave her by commanding them to do so in Jesus’ name, she joined the NetBurst.Net Prayer Team and read a prayer request that shook her. Below is the e-mail she sent me about it. I received the prayer request about “B" who is struggling with the sixth chapter of Hebrews. I decided to read it so I would know how to pray for him better. I’m thinking he’s probably having trouble with verses four to six because when I read them yesterday I also had trouble. In an instant I felt this cold chill and immense feeling of fear come over me, and I felt all the progress I’ve made over the last few months go right out the window. As I read it the thought speared my heart, “All the sexual acts you’ve taken part in – both spiritually and physically – are way too perverted to have any chance for Christ’s forgiveness again. How could you have sex with animals, enjoy it, and ever expect God to take you back? That’s just sick!! God is righteous and pure and would never have anything to do with me. I had my chance and I blew it.” I thought that way for a few hours last night, and I really felt myself sinking into despair. Within about five minutes I began contemplating engaging in every sin and bondage I’d worked so hard to be free from. I even wondered about cutting myself. And then it hit me: Satan is using this passage to create despair, depression, and desperation in my mind. He is trying to stop me from going forward in God’s will and good plan for my life. He is trying to steal the peace I have through Christ Jesus. 2 Timothy 1:7 For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind. (KJV) I don’t know what that fourth verse in Hebrews 6 means. I’m not a Bible scholar. But I do know this: Nothing can separate me from the love of God and with God all things are possible – not in my own strength – but through his strength, power and mercy. God will never leave me nor forsake me but, I could choose to leave Him. I did choose to leave him at one time, but now I’m back. “B” can come back too. My heart hurts for him so much. I don’t know what to say to him, but I’m definitely praying for him. I can see that these prayer requests are twofold. My prayers help the person I’m praying for, but they can also strengthen me and my resolve in my walk with Christ. Praise God!!! Here’s a couple of comments of mine on what Lynne wrote:  . . . way too perverted to have any chance for Christ’s forgiveness again. It is glorifying to God to think that he is not loving enough to forgive everyone who repents? Did Christ not suffer enough to bear the penalty for  all  sin? Should he have suffered more to make his sacrifice adequate? God is righteous and pure and would never have anything to do with you. On the contrary, God is too righteous  not  to forgive! 1 John 1:9 If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. I really felt myself sinking into despair. When we feel this way, who benefits? God? Us? Only the devil benefits. And that indicates the source of the feeling. But I do know this . . . God will never leave me nor forsake me Lynne is here quoting Hebrews 13:5. She is quoting from the very book of the Bible that had previously upset her. By doing so she was putting that disturbing verse back into the biblical context, and the full biblical revelation – expounded in detail elsewhere on this site – is that God forgives and accepts all who come to him through Christ, no matter how atrocious and repeated their sins. If you read the book of Hebrews in its entirety you will see that it was written to Jewish Christians who were teetering on the edge of abandoning Christ and salvation through his sacrifice and returning to Judaism. This is why the book commences with insisting that Jesus is superior to Old Testament prophets, angels, and Moses. It moves on to expound how Jesus is greater than the high priest and that Jesus’ sacrifice is superior to animal sacrifices. Jews tempted to revert to their former religion needed to know that there is no salvation for anyone who refuses to accept that forgiveness is through Christ’s sacrifice alone. That does not mean that a person cannot later change his mind and again make Jesus his Savior but during the period when he is rejecting the saving power of Jesus’ sacrifice, there is no longer any sacrifice that will cover his sin. Hebrews 10 warns those who “deliberately continually keep on sinning” but even if a person keeps falling, no one who wants to stop sinning can be said to be deliberately continuing to sin. There are more spectacular testimonies to come but the following simple testimony is from Andy. I started going to church at eight years old. I had a commitment to Christ but for many, many years it was not very deep. I came back to Christ in 2002 after being obsessively worried about my health. I kept worrying I had a certain condition, despite medical tests proving I was fine. I turned back to the Lord in a big way, seeking his forgiveness for my many years of being very immature and distant in my faith. I beat myself up over the past, despite the Lord undoubtedly putting two texts in front of me on multiple occasions: Philippians 3:14 . . . Forgetting what is behind . . . Isaiah 43:18 Forget the former things . . . These verses would give me peace for about ten minutes before I would dismiss them and return to worrying about my past sins. After about five years, my faith grew cold and for a number of reasons my marriage broke up and I have now remarried. I lived away from the Church for eight years but very recently I suspected I had prostate problems (despite on-going worries, all the medical tests say there is no problem). This worry made me consider my life and what would happen to me when I died. I had known Hebrews 6:4-6 and I felt I fell into that category where I was lost from God for good. I began obsessively looking through the Internet to find reassurance. It has become clear to me, however, that I am taking this portion of Scripture out of context and that I should instead be concentrating on the parable of the prodigal son. During my searches, I was struck by your pages on Scrupulosity . It hit me that I look for God’s confirmation multiple times and yet I should stop this and simply trust him that I am forgiven. I should believe God!!!!! I have printed out the prayer in your webpage about accepting the reality of Jesus’ power to forgive all sin and his eagerness to do so, and refusing to seek confirmation of this. I am going to use this statement of faith on a daily basis because you are right that obsessive thinking is the root of my troubles and this condition is being used by Satan to attack me. I have also commenced medical treatment for the problem (medication and Cognitive Behavioral Therapy) and I will try to use the techniques outlined in your webpages. I have returned to the church I left eight years ago and have been received with open arms. Warning: To keep seeking reassurance from people will end up being futile for you and for them. Instead, keep putting into practice the vast amount of support provided in these webpages. Important: Get your pastor and those who care about you to read Scrupulosity  and the pages it leads to. Few will be able to understand and support you without reading them. The Beginning The only way to not miss any of this feast of uplifting webpages about false guilt is to start at Feeling Condemned? There’s Hope!   and follow each link. You won't regret it! Feeling Rejected by God  An important part of this series of webpages Unforgivable?   The part of the series that deals with the unforgivable sin Testimonies   They thought they were unforgivable

Praising God for Disgusting Thoughts, Unwanted Fears, Worries and Feeling Unforgivable Ephesians 2:8-9 For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith – and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God – not by works, so that no one can boast. Kristina’s Testimony I was born again at 16. I literally saw the light people see when they die and I  knew  it was Jesus. I had an amazing conversion from dead religion to an awesome journey of answered prayers – often answered to the very letter of my request. Not long after I was saved, however, while I was falling asleep, I was hit hard with the fear of the unforgivable sin. Before long I was terrified of my own thoughts. Disgusting things would plague my mind and I was petrified that I was beyond forgiveness. I had developed religious OCD (scrupulosity). I could not even have a normal conversation without stopping to “fix” a bad thought. I was a disaster. Tormented severely, I used to call prayer lines; fearing I had somehow committed the unforgivable sin. Pastors would say, “If you committed the unpardonable sin, you would not care about having done so.” I wanted to believe that, but I couldn’t. Instead of believing in Jesus’ power to forgive  all  sin, I wanted a peaceful feeling or something. After going through a tortuous time during college I cried out to God continuously for help. I was tormented night and day. I literally wrote letters to God with cries for help. I thought I would end up in the looney farm. I could not see any way out. I specifically prayed that God would put a person in my life who had endured, and overcome, the same thing that was plaguing me. Three days later, I met a woman outside a hair salon. Anna told me that she struggled with the same thing, but was able to overcome it by grace. “Grace is just saying thank you to God,” she said. “Why am I suffering this?” I asked. She replied, “God wants to teach you to receive grace.” I was clueless as to what that meant. I had been caught up by legalism and thought I had to be perfect in my thoughts and words to be acceptable to God. I was missing the whole point of the cross. Two parables – the parable of the prodigal son and the parable of the sin-riddled tax collector who “went home justified before God” simply because he asked for mercy (Luke 18:10-14) – have finally helped me break free from the flawed thinking of trusting in my own performance. For both of these people, their only hope of restoration with God was God’s mercy alone – his faithfulness not theirs. And Jesus told these parables because God’s mercy always wins. I love the verse “mercy triumphs over judgment” (James 2:13). I had not understood grace while I was tormented. I was very hard on myself. I thought God just wanted me to be perfect. In reality none of us can be perfect in our thoughts or behavior. That is why for all of us the cross is our only hope of right standing with God. Even though initially I had trusted Christ to save me, the enemy had tried to get me to put my faith in myself instead of Christ. I had become like the Galatians that Paul wrote his letter to. They had started off with faith in Christ alone but, to Paul’s horror, they had slipped back into trying to gain God’s approval by their own efforts (Galatians 3:1-5). Like them, I had been duped into living under law instead of under grace. Martin Luther, John Bunyan, and St. Augustine also struggled with scrupulosity/OCD and learned this wonderful truth. Understanding grace is the only thing that provided real peace and rest for their souls. God’s grace and mercy are the only way out. Grace is “undeserved favor.” How refreshing! It is truly good news. Grace provides rest. That’s what trusting in the cross alone does. Trusting in our own good works or good thoughts is putting ourselves under the law without realizing it. Legalism provides no hope or rest because we are all flawed – whether we realize it or not. Legalism is bad news. It puts all of the focus on us and our performance. Jesus paid our bill in full. It is finished! Jesus won all our battles! He slayed every giant we will ever face. That is grace! We can’t do it. That is why God did it by his own hand and it is why we must tell God, “I can’t save myself, but no matter how hopeless I am, you have done all it takes to save me completely.” His Word says so. That is why we can rejoice and give thanks in all circumstances. Even when bad thoughts come, we can praise God for them because an overcomer crown awaits us. These are some of the Scriptures I had to keep holding on to, despite my fear about being unforgivable: John 6:37   . . . whoever comes to me I will never drive away. John 6:44  No one can come to me unless the Father who sent me draws him [Despite all the turmoil going on inside me, my desire to come to Jesus is proof that God is drawing me to him.] Mark 10:26-27  The disciples were even more amazed, and said to each other, “Who then can be saved?” Jesus looked at them and said, “With man this is impossible, but not with God; all things are possible with God.” Matthew 11:28  Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. The Lord also made me aware that before I could totally be free of the torment I needed to completely forgive others. Jesus’ parable talks about the unforgiving servant being handed over to torturers until the matter was resolved (Matthew 18:34). God has taught me to pray mercy on others first and then I can receive mercy. Through forgiving our enemies we become more like Christ. Forgiving others is a choice, not a feeling. If we wrongly think that God is reluctant to forgive, we are likely to be reluctant to forgive. The positive side, however, is that if we are willing to forgive others, it will reinforce in our mind how willing God – who is more loving than us – is to forgive us. I truly believe that by me holding on to bitterness I had let the enemy mess with my head. Yes, forgiving everyone, including ourselves, is important. Give grace to yourself and others. If God can give you grace, why can’t you give it to yourself and others? Grace cannot be earned. It is a free gift, received only by those who know they can never be good enough on their own. Humility is the key to receiving like a little child. We all will be tempted, endure trials, and face “giants.” Religious OCD is like Goliath; it looks scary and big, but God is BIGGER! With God’s help and faith in him, the OCD giant can be knocked down. The key is to focus on God’s ability; not our own ability. I thank God that, no matter how abandoned I sometimes felt, the reality is that God did not leave me for a second, but lovingly drew me closer. God taught me to praise him through the battle. So when a bad thought comes I think, “Wow, the enemy is reminding me to worship God!” I think about the cross and start thanking him for winning the battle for my mind. No matter what ugly thoughts afflict me and try to distract me, I start praising God instead of trying to fix the bad thought. Pretty soon, I start singing, “Jesus won my battle, Jesus won my battle, Jesus won the battle for my mind.” Especially when you feel riddled with guilt and condemnation and you feel as if God wants nothing to do with you and that you are beyond forgiveness and your mind is continually flooded not only with doubts but with the vilest and most defiling thoughts and images about God, the slightest praise takes enormous faith and effort. It is like being asked to run when you feel too exhausted to walk. But no matter how hard it is, and how artificial and hypocritical it feels, we can force ourselves. Praise really works because it takes our eyes off ourselves and onto the cross, where he alone purchased our victory. It might take a long while before we start seeing the benefits. It will eventually result in relief and joy but people with OCD are unlikely ever to feel better without abandoning slavery to feelings. They must be determined to keep on praising God even when it not only does not help them feel better but makes them feel considerably worse. We must do it in faith that God loves us so much that our pathetic efforts to praise him gives him pleasure – no matter how hopeless and unloved we  feel  and how tempted we are to imagine that our ugly thoughts defile the whole process. We should be determined to keep it up even if we continue to be flooded with false feelings of despair and hopelessness. Focus is everything. If we keep focusing day after day on the problem – ourselves – the problem keeps getting bigger in our eyes. If, however, we keep re-focusing on God’s amazing grace, then it is grace, not the problem, that gradually grows bigger in our eyes. It is like ever so slowly zooming in with a microscope. Praise and worship are powerful weapons. The walls of Jericho fell with praise and worship. David slayed the giant who was harassing and tormenting God’s chosen people by having faith in God, fully leaning on, and trusting in, God’s grace alone. Grace is the answer. I really believe we are to give thanks in  all  circumstances (1 Thessalonians 5:18) because this shows God we truly trust him. It takes great faith to thank him for OCD. It takes endurance and perseverance. It requires a stubborn commitment to cooperating with God. Isn’t that exactly what he wants? Isn’t that why we have weaknesses? Isn’t it so that we rely on him not ourselves? Isn’t that grace? We cannot, but God can! With humans it is impossible, but with God  all  things are possible. I used to believe I had to think about God and nothing else in order to walk with him. What a lie! Becoming a parent has changed my perspective, helping me see things as Father God sees them. He is good and wants the best for us. I would never demand that my kids think only of me every moment of every day. I had taken Scripture to an extreme, instead of seeing it the way our loving God intended. I now understand that God wants us not only to work, but also to rest and play. We need to give ourselves permission to do this. I am learning to trust God more. I am now a happily married woman with three kids. Occasionally, I still struggle with bad thoughts, but I keep remembering that Jesus died for  all  sins and that to be forgiven we must believe this. That is it: simple, child-like faith. The peace and joy I have now is amazing! If God could do it for Anna, Martin Luther, John Bunyan, St. Augustine, and me, God can and will do it for you. Keep pressing into him and praising. I must emphasize, however, that it took years for me to get where I am today. I am now 42 and my OCD started at 18. Renewing our mind takes much time and effort. We must be willing to endure and not expect quick changes, nor to look to our feelings or circumstances as indications that God is with us. Conclusion By Grantley Morris 24 years have passed since Kristina begun suffering with religious OCD and even now she is still hit by the occasional unwanted thought. Kristina is living proof of two things that need emphasizing: 1.  It would be a mistake to expect instant deliverance from disgusting, anti-God thoughts and oppressive feelings and fears and worries. The Lord does not want to have to insult you by perpetually babying you; artificially propping up your faith by signs and feelings and circumstances as he sometimes does for baby Christians. It would be a source of great shame if the Lord thought your faith and commitment were so weak that they would disintegrate without such artificial props. Your God believes in you. He believes you have what it takes to honor him by living by raw faith alone and that you can keep resisting powerful temptations to imagine God has abandoned you, even though you can no longer feel him and instead feel spiritually cold and distant and condemned and overwhelmed by unwanted thoughts and doubts. To do that takes real faith and God believes you are capable of such faith. 2.  Being plagued by atrociously repulsive thoughts about God and swamped with awful feelings of guilt and condemnation and doubts and fears of being unforgivable need not spoil a beautiful relationship with God. The Lord is not fazed by any of these. On the contrary, he is thrilled if you keep praising him even when your prayers and praises are so attacked that they are mixed with blasphemous thoughts and images. The very act of praising him while suffering such thoughts and images and feelings and doubts is a precious act of faith that the blood of Christ truly cleanses us from all sin. Displaying this faith both delights and honors your Savior. It is important that you keep reading these webpages. There is so much more that you need to get deep into your spirit so that you will be as unfazed by these attacks as God is. Next Testimony Blasphemous Thoughts Important: Get your pastor and those who care about you to read Scrupulosity and the pages it leads to. Few will be able to understand and support you without reading them. The Beginning The only way to not miss any of this feast of uplifting webpages about false guilt is to start at Feeling Condemned? There’s Hope! and follow each link. You won't regret it! Feeling Rejected by God  An important part of this series of webpages Unforgivable?   The part of the series that deals with the unforgivable sin Testimonies   They thought they were unforgivable

Natural Cures for Anxiety-Related Illnesses Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (O. C. D.), Depression, Panic Attacks, Agoraphobia Do you keep doubting that Christ has forgiven your every sin, despite repeated reassurances from such people as pastors? Or do you keep worrying over unwanted thoughts that plague you? If either applies to you, then you are suffering from what is known as Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD). This affliction, which can take other forms besides the religious, is so common and debilitating that it has generated much medical and scientific research. These investigations affirm that if you suffer this affliction, chances are that it is because your body is low in an essential substance, such as a vitamin or mineral or something similar. There is much scientific evidence that many psychological afflictions, such as Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, panic disorder, agoraphobia and clinical depression, are related to serotonin levels in one’s brain chemistry. The main focus of this webpage is OCD. If you suffer from any of the other conditions just listed, the possibilities mentioned below might work, but I urge extra caution, especially in the case of depression. If at all possible, talk it over with a doctor. If you genuinely cannot afford a doctor or any other health professional, at least do as thorough an Internet search as you can. The class of medication commonly called anti-depressants but more correctly known as Selective Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitors (SSRIs) can in some people cause a marked improvement. As with any medication, however, people differ as to how much they benefit and whether they suffer any side-effects. Another complication is that certain Christians, for somewhat illogical, almost superstitious reasons, feel uncomfortable about taking medication to aid one’s psychological well-being, even though they have no qualms about taking other chemicals (such as vitamins and minerals) to boost their physical and psychological well-being. A Natural Alternative to Medication Research suggests there are alternative ways – such as vitamins and minerals – of correcting medical disorders associated with one’s brain chemistry. One likely possibility is inositol. A carbohydrate about half the sweetness of table sugar, it occurs naturally throughout the human body and in many foods. It plays an essential role in how cells communicate with each other. Once regarded as a member of the vitamin B complex (B8), inositol has been reclassified, simply because the human body can produce inositol. There are strong theoretical reasons for suspecting that inositol can help with anxiety-related illnesses such as OCD because, as Wikipedia states, “serotonin activity modulation” are among inositol’s many vital functions. It goes on to say, “Some preliminary results of studies on high-dose inositol supplements show promising results for people suffering from problems such as bulimia, panic disorder, obsessive-compulsive disorder, agoraphobia, and unipolar and bipolar depression . . . In a single double-blind study on 13 patients, myo-inositol (18 grams daily) has been found to reduce the symptoms of obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) significantly, with effectiveness equal to SSRIs [antidepressants] and virtually without side-effects.” What first drew my attention to the healing power of inositol was a highly enthusiastic e-mail from a reader of my pages about Religious Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (scrupulosity). Michael was so thrilled about the transformation that inositol had apparently brought to his life that he was most keen that I tell everyone, even though doing so was of no personal benefit to himself. After sharing his experience, I’ll provide a more sober assessment and discuss other possible helps: After six months completely free of any type of scrupulosity (religious OCD) I have to report that the missing link is inositol. I’m a fan of herbs and vitamins, but inositol is no regular supplement; it’s a life changer. Brain scans confirm that OCD occurs when the brain is abnormally overactive. It’s as if when I have OCD my brain is overheating and inositol is the water that puts out the fire. I saw a licensed counselor who happened to be a Christian and an expert on scrupulosity. He isn’t biased by any drug manufacturer and has actually suffered from scrupulosity himself, had brain scans done and understands it quite well. I am convinced that it is through taking inositol that the disgusting thoughts that used to bombard my brain no longer torment me but are now processed in another way. These days, if I get a bad thought I am able to see it for its silliness and disregard it. But it’s more than a mere deflection. As a car that keeps racing gets worn out, so a human brain that keeps racing exhausts the person. So now, because of the peace I feel, I have incredible energy as well as freedom. In Israel, they often prescribe inositol for O.C.D., rather than anti-depressants. I’m not referring to a couple of 500mg inositol pills, but 10 grams a day. [Some studies have used slightly higher dosages.] It’s simple: you just get a bucket of it, scoop in tablespoons full, mix and drink. It has virtually no taste. It does not drug people; it restores them by correcting an abnormality in their body chemistry. Some scientific studies suggest that, in large doses, inositol is more effective than anti-depressants. I think of it this way: without vitamin C, I’ll suffer scurvy; without vitamin D, I’ll suffer brittle bones; without inositol, I’ll suffer OCD. The benefits should be shouted upon the rooftops! If you don’t tell others about this I’ll be greatly disappointed! Disclaimers & Further Information Before saying a little more about Inositol, I would like to share the experience of another friend, Sarah, who suffers from anxiety: I don’t think Inositol works for me. Instead, I tried Magnolia Bark Extract for about three weeks and it completely took away my anxiety. When I went to bed, or rested during the day, there was no annoying anxiety and I fell asleep quickly. It also relaxed my body and took away the clenched fists that I have had for years. The downside, however, is that I started getting a very bad rash on my hands and my back and also my head began feeling peculiar – as if my brain were expanding or something. I had to get medication (an antihistamine and a cream) to sort it out. Magnolia Bark is believed to affect GABA (Gamma Aminobutyric Acid) levels, which in turn are thought to affect anxiety levels. Since Gotu Kola is also believed to affect GABA, I switched to it, but the result was the same as Magnolia Bark, so I stopped. Then I tried Inositol but my anxiety returned. I tried Magnolia Bark again and quickly calmed. I am thinking of just reducing the dosage. I’ve also ordered some pure GABA to see how I react to that. I am going to keep trying alternatives until I get the result I want without the rash. I guessed that her side effects were an uncommon reaction but I looked it up on the Internet. I only visited three sites and although I found no reference to her particular side effects I was alarmed by what I read: “Magnolia is POSSIBLY SAFE for most people when used short-term. The safety of magnolia use for more than 6 weeks is unknown” (www.webmd.com/vitamins-supplements/ingredientmono-188-magnolia.aspx?activeingredientid=188&activeingredientname;=magnolia). Another site warns that certain substances in magnolia bark “may cause respiratory paralysis. It is also toxic to small children and infants, even in small doses” (www.livestrong.com/article/172755-side-effects-magnolia-bark-extract/). Another website www.vitaminsestore.com/magnolia-bark-benefits-reviews-side-effects-and-dosage/), despite stating that “there is no standard recommended dosage,” mentions 300mg three times a day and says, “the herb is considered safe when taken at optimum or lower dosage levels.” It adds that overdose may lead to “serious side effects such as vertigo and paralysis,” and states that it must be avoided in children, people with kidney ailments and in pregnant women (for whom it “may cause uterine contraction and miscarriage”). It also says magnolia extracts “must be avoided at least two weeks prior to a surgical procedure.” Additionally, it warns that it interacts with alcohol, barbiturates, CNS depressants and Benzodiazepines. I’ve made only a very superficial web search of side effects but it’s enough for me to urge significant caution. I warn that I have no medical expertise, and more research is needed on inositol and other “natural” treatments. A frustrating problem with “natural” cures is that if drug companies cannot patent it, there is much less motivation to conduct high quality scientific research to confirm the benefits. Some studies suggest that drinking coffee and prolonged use of antibiotics might contribute to inositol deficiency. Some practitioners suggest combining inositol with a similarly common and important nutrient: choline. Through getting to know large numbers of sufferers, I’ve noticed that the chemical imbalance causing OCD is not necessarily constant. Some people have bad bouts separated by sometimes years or even decades of normality. So you might possibly not need to take inositol for life but if you eventually decide to risk no longer taking it, taper off very slowly and remain alert for the slightest indication that you should increase the dosage again. As a safeguard, it is best to let friends and loved ones know. They might notice you beginning to slip back into OCD before you do. Not needing inositol is no achievement. It simply means your body has regained equilibrium, and is likely to go out of whack again sometime in the future. Empowered by the boost the inositol gave, Michael was able to have the mental clarity to use other mental techniques to fight OCD. He eventually felt so well that he stopped taking inositol for quite a while. Long after he wrote the above report about inositol, he told me, “I bought some inositol powder yesterday. I will use it for maintenance. It’s amazing how subtle scrupulosity is. Unwanted thoughts are starting to come back. I was getting proud thinking I have scrupulosity licked.” The way to overcome an imbalance in brain’s chemistry is not through mental gymnastics but by taking something to correct the physical disorder. It is important to realize that it is impossible for “natural” to always mean safe. Life-threatening food allergies are proof that there is virtually no substance in existence that someone somewhere does not suffer a serious reaction to. A sip of orange juice could kill a friend of mine. For someone else it could be a trace of wheat or a nut or something else that is not only absolutely safe but deliciously nutritious for billions of people. Because inositol is water soluble, there is a good chance of even mega-doses not accumulating in the body. However, inositol has been found to have interactions with certain drugs. I found a webpage that, to a medical ignoramus like me, seems a balanced and sobering evaluation of the side effects. (Sadly, the page is no longer available) It certainly lists more possible side effects that most other websites. On the other hand, as this article points out, there are possible physical benefits , or if you like, beneficial side effects, in addition to helping anxiety-related illnesses. Possibilities (still to be rigorously confirmed) include improving liver function by preventing the accumulation of fat in the liver, improving cholesterol levels, assisting the production of healthy cells in the bone marrow, intestines and eye membranes, and helping to prevent or even improve diabetic nerve disorders. There are claims it may treat or prevent cancer. Inositol plays a role in hair growth and some men taking inositol supplements have even reported less hair loss! Obviously the safest course is to seek expert monitoring, should you consider taking inositol. I suggest building up to 10-18 mg slowly so that one’s body adjusts. A high dosage, for example, sometimes causes diarrhoea. Also, some people discover they only need a lower dose. Before concluding that it is of no help, however, I suggest building up to the high dose and continuing for four to six weeks. Do not expect the total eradication of OCD. In rare instances, the results can be spectacular but the effect does not have to be dramatic for it to be beneficial. It is worth taking even if one is merely a little less freaked out by unwanted thoughts or feels a little calmer and more able to look at the issue rationally. This can then give a boost to other techniques, such as cognitive therapy. For your interest, I’ll insert here another favorable response I’ve received but I stress that reactions to medication varies from person to person. So at the end of the day, what really matters is what works for you. I had reached out for help earlier this year and you correctly identified my problem as Religious OCD. I just wanted to update you on my life. I am leaving in five hours for another two and a half month trip to Cambodia to run a couple of Alpha courses in the province of Kampong Chhnang and serve in any other way I can to show the love of Jesus in a practical way. I wanted you to know that your suggestion to try Inositol has changed my life . I have not crossed over into a dark and hopeless place in over two months. It’s not that negative thoughts don’t cross my mind, it’s just that they’re negative with a small “n” not a “N” and I’m able to say, “That’s not true,” and counter with truth and not go into a pit I can’t get out of. This has literally been a game changer for me! I feel hopeful and encouraged even when my circumstances aren’t the best. The love, forgiveness and sense that God is for me – not against me – is very accessible. Thank you not only for great coaching and an awesome library I continue to feast on – but for encouraging me to try Inostitol. I can’t believe the results! Other Possible Helps I once e-mailed someone saying that if they had an iron deficiency, most people would have few qualms about taking a supplement to correct it, so why should anyone have a double standard when it comes to treating a serotonin deficiency (the function of most anti-depressants)? Ironically, I learned soon after that an iron deficiency (even a slight one) can increase anxiety. This has obvious implications for any anxiety-related illness, be it O.C.D., excessive fear, or whatever. As with virtually everything, one needs to be careful, because too much iron can be as dangerous to health as too little. A quick Internet search reveals that a chromium deficiency (common among people who consume large amounts of alcohol or refined sugars) can also contribute to anxiety. Brewer’s Yeast is a rich source of chromium. Calcium and magnesium are important, too. Calcium is a calmative, and magnesium is needed to absorb it. Adequate levels of potassium and selenium are likewise important for low anxiety. Garlic, along with essential fatty acids such as flaxseed oil and fish oil, have also been suggested to help relieve anxiety. B-group vitamins are considered important in reducing anxiety levels. In fact, vitamin B9 (folic acid) vitamin B6 (pyridoxine) are both believed to affect serotonin levels. In response to an earlier draft of this webpage, Allison shared her experience: I discovered I have a B12 Deficiency and once I started giving myself B12 shots every week, my depression went away, along with all the excess sleeping I was doing. I didn’t take it regularly for a month or so and my anxiety revved up. I am now back on it and seem to be doing better again. I was on anti-depressants for about 11 years, and I was exhausted all the time, they made me gain weight and did not relieve my depression, even though I tried many different kinds. I believe that prescribed medications can be good if you manage to find the right one for you, but no matter what the substance, different people will react differently. At the very least, why not try a multivitamin with a full range of minerals for a month or so and see if you notice any improvement. My nephew, who suffers from anxiety, was regularly doing this but a blood test proved he needed still more iron to correct his iron deficiency. Just to emphasize how we all differ, however, a close friend cannot take normal multivitamin supplements because she is allergic to a common ingredient in multivitamins. A doctor once urged me to take an especially expensive form of multivitamins and minerals that were meant to be particularly “natural”. He was afterward horrified to discover that the soils where my doctor and I live are unusually rich in copper and since this gets into food grown in them I could be suffering from too much copper. Copper was one of the minerals in the supplement he suggested! So despite all the medical advances, there are so many variables that there is often a need for prayer and patient trial and error in discovering what will be most effective for each individual. If you might have O.C.D. and have not already read Scrupulosity: Obsessive Compulsive Disorder and the pages it leads to, it is important to do so, because this affliction is best treated by combining a number of different techniques in addition to medical. For further help with depression, see When Things Get Tough: Handling Discouragement, Depression or Apparent Failure a nd the pages it leads to. For more from the man who first drew my attention to inositol: When you Cannot Stop Bad Thoughts: Scrupulosity Testimony Next Page: The Real Reason for Blasphemous Thoughts

Unforgivable? The Unpardonable sin of Blasphemy Against the Holy Ghost (Matthew 12:31-32 Luke 12:10 Mark 3:29) Luke 12:10  And everyone who speaks a word against the Son of Man will be forgiven,but anyone who blasphemes against the Holy Spirit will not be forgiven.     Overview Since salvation is all about faith and not works ( Scriptures ), the only thing that could keep anyone from being forgiven is not some past sin (or work) but a current refusal to believe the promise of 1 John 1:9 (and elsewhere) that the blood of Jesus cleanses us from all sin. In other words: stubbornly refusing to accept Jesus as one’s Savior. Our faith might waver but forgiveness is ours every time we return to faith in Jesus’ power to forgive our every sin. Introduction Jesus spoke about sin being unforgivable when the Pharisees decided that what was empowering Jesus was not God but the devil (Matthew 12:24). For as long as anyone continues to believe that blasphemous lie, it is impossible to believe that Jesus is God’s way of salvation. One cannot be saved until one corrects that wrong belief about the Savior of the world. So it is not some past sin (no matter how gross or repeated) that makes forgiveness impossible. It boils down to whether one chooses to believe Jesus is God’s way of salvation and therefore that he can cleanse us from all si n. Whatever Jesus meant by his puzzling statement about the unpardonable sin of blaspheming the Holy Spirit, the correct interpretation will be consistent with the rest of biblical revelation. And we know that in the rest of the Bible, God over and over declares his eagerness to forgive anyone and everyone who comes to Jesus, genuinely wanting forgiveness. The God of truth has emphatically given his word about this. In the light of so many unbreakable promises, it must be that if anyone were to become unforgivable, something happens that makes that person for the rest of his/her life refuse to accept through Jesus the forgiveness that God freely offers us all.   We will carefully examine the meaning of blasphemy against the Holy Spirit and look at Bible saints who were clearly forgiven, even though they seemed guilty of the unforgivable sin.   Some of the following might initially seem unbelievable, but keep reading: further biblical proof will unfold as you proceed with this webpage.     What must one do to blaspheme the Spirit?   The Bible was not even originally written in English, so – as any Bible scholar will insist – to understand what  the Bible  means by blasphemy against the Holy Spirit, it is pointless consulting an English dictionary for the definition of “blasphemy”. Instead of jumping to our own presumptions in panic-stricken horror, we need to calmly and prayerfully delve deep into God’s Word. Let’s see what the Bible says Jesus was referring to:   Mark 3:22-30  And the teachers of the law who came down from Jerusalem said, ‘He is possessed by Beelzebub! By the prince of demons he is driving out demons.’ So Jesus . . . spoke to them  . . . ‘I tell you the truth, all the sins and blasphemies of men will be forgiven them. But whoever blasphemes against the Holy Spirit will never be forgiven; he is guilty of an eternal sin.’  He said this because they were saying, ‘He has an evil spirit.’  (Emphasis mine)   These people were not cursing or swearing, nor knowingly insulting the Holy Spirit. In fact, they were devout theologians who would rather face a thousand deaths than be disrespectful to the Spirit of God. They felt certain that they deeply revered the Holy Spirit.  Whatever Jesus meant by the unpardonable sin, he was not referring to the use of foul language against the Holy Spirit when he warned these people. They were not even seeking to target the Holy Spirit. Jesus was the focus of their attack. Jesus, not the Holy Spirit, was the one they sought to insult and discredit. It just turned out that, as would be expected, insulting one member of the Trinity insults all three. The doctrine of the Trinity renders ridiculous any notion that the Holy Spirit might be more holy or more sensitive or less forgiving than the Son of God. Their salvation (eternal forgiveness) was at stake not because they were disapproving of some aspect of Jesus’ humanity – his fashion sense, table manners, or whatever – but because they were disapproving of something fundamental to Jesus’ spiritual role as humanity’s only Savior. They were not merely insulting the Holy Spirit; they were blasting any possibility of Jesus being the Savior of the world. If, in speaking of blaspheming the Holy Spirit, Jesus was not referring to specifically targeting the Holy Spirit rather than another member of the Holy Trinity, neither could he be referring to a fleeting thought or a persistent unwanted thought. Let’s see why. Suppose it were taught in Christian circles that thinking of blue giraffes is an unforgivable sin. ‘Think once of a blue giraffe and you’re eternally damned.’  Every  Christian exposed to this teaching would end up thinking of a blue giraffe, since it is a fact of life that the harder anyone tries not to think of something, the more that person will think of it. This is not sinfulness; it is simply how the human mind works. Do you suppose our Maker doesn’t know this? Do you think he’s set everyone up to be eternally damned? That’s what you would have to think if you suppose that God treats as unforgivable unwanted thoughts buzzing around in our minds. So let’s look closer at Jesus’ statement to see what he meant. Mark 3:30  He said this because they were saying, ‘He has an evil spirit.’ This makes it crystal clear: it was specifically because these Bible scholars genuinely believed that Jesus had a demon that Jesus issued them this warning. Imagine knowing the Scriptures inside out and yet being so willfully blind as to be convinced that Jesus’ miracles were evil and that the Savior of the world – the Holy Lamb of God upon whom their eternal destiny hinges – is demon possessed! These theologians were not merely resisting the Holy Spirit’s powerful testimony that Jesus is from God; they actually chose to believe that the Savior of the world was so anti-God as to be in league with the prince of demons. This was not some fleeting or unwanted thoughts, as hits many true believers; they were so certain that their hideous belief about Jesus was right that they strived to convince everyone else to spurn Jesus, their only hope of salvation. Christ did not say that even these people could not repent and find forgiveness, but in his love he saw them as needing to be warned. To understand what renders unforgivable the sin Jesus was referring to, we must ask ourselves what is it that makes any sin forgivable. We know that God’s forgiveness – his ability to be committed to justice and yet overlook sin that deserves to be punished – is possible only because the Holy Son of God was sent to earth on a divine mission to bear the sins of the world. He suffered for each and every sin that any human has ever committed. Christ could do this only because he was utterly pure and sinless. As we know from Adam’s sin, the final wages of just one sin is death. Had Jesus the slightest trace of evil in him he would have been dying not for our sin but for his own sin. His death would then have had no more saving power than anyone else’s death. Moreover, had Christ been of the devil, as these theologians stubbornly asserted, his sacrifice would have been utterly unacceptable to the Holy God. Anyone blaspheming the Spirit in the sense that Jesus used the term, genuinely believes that the Spirit through whom Jesus ministered was evil. We know that there is salvation only through Jesus and that no one can find God’s forgiveness while he/she is actively rejecting Jesus as Savior. We can get many things wrong about Jesus and the way he won our salvation – no one has perfect theology – but believing Jesus is working for the devil is just too fundamental an error. Anyone believing this about our Lord will refuse to accept that Jesus offers divine forgiveness. No matter how compassionate God is, no one believing that Jesus was acting on behalf of the devil could be forgiven in this life, nor in the next, because such a person is rejecting his or her only means of salvation. Should, however, anyone stop believing that blasphemy and start believing that Jesus is God’s sinless sacrifice for the sins of the world, that person is no longer blaspheming the Spirit by which Jesus operated, and can now find forgiveness through Jesus. We all know that people who for a period in their lives have rejected Jesus as Savior can find forgiveness if they change their beliefs about Jesus. Likewise, forgiveness is available to every former blasphemer of the Holy Spirit who reverses his or her beliefs about the Spirit who indwelt and empowered Jesus. We will carefully prove this from Scripture.   Hope for Those Who Have Blasphemed the Spirit Since we are saved by grace through faith in Jesus, what we believe about Jesus is critical to our salvation. And since we are not saved by works, our firm beliefs about Jesus are far more important to our salvation than any slip of the tongue or spur-of-the-moment action. Anyone trusting in Jesus’ salvation can be forgiven even of the sin of having  in the past  believed that Jesus, the one mediator between God and humanity (1 Timothy 2:5) is so vehemently opposed to God as to be in league with the devil. But no one can ever be forgiven  while  they believe Jesus is in league with the devil. This offer of forgiveness for past blasphemy is confirmed in the book of Acts. Beginning with his Spirit-filled sermon on the Day of Pentecost, Peter repeatedly preached forgiveness of sins to people to whom he said such things as, ‘Jesus, whom you crucified,’ and ‘You handed him over to be killed, and you disowned him before Pilate, though he had decided to let him go. You disowned the Holy and Righteous One and asked that a murderer be released to you. You killed the author of life . . . Repent, then, and turn to God, so that your sins may be wiped out, that times of refreshing may come from the Lord . . .’  Salvation Offered to Those Held Responsible for Murdering their Messiah Acts 2:36 “Therefore let all Israel be assured of this: God has made this Jesus, whom you crucified, both Lord and Christ.” (37) When the people heard this, they were cut to the heart and said to Peter and the other apostles, “Brothers, what shall we do?” (38) Peter replied, “Repent and be baptized, every one of you, in the name of Jesus Christ for the forgiveness of your sins. And you will receive the gift of the Holy Spirit. Acts 3: 13 The God of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob, the God of our fathers, has glorified his servant Jesus. You handed him over to be killed, and you disowned him before Pilate, though he had decided to let him go. (14) You disowned the Holy and Righteous One and asked that a murderer be released to you. (15) You killed the author of life, but God raised him from the dead. We are witnesses of this. (16) By faith in the name of Jesus, this man whom you see and know was made strong. It is Jesus’ name and the faith that comes through him that has given this complete healing to him, as you can all see. (17) Now, brothers, I know that you acted in ignorance, as did your leaders. (18) But this is how God fulfilled what he had foretold through all the prophets, saying that his Christ would suffer. (19) Repent, then, and turn to God, so that your sins may be wiped out, that times of refreshing may come from the Lord. The religious people Peter charged with these offenses obviously did not believe they were killing a godly man, and yet they were well aware of the undeniably supernatural character of Jesus’ miracles. If the power behind Jesus’ miracle were supernatural but not from God, it had to be demonic. These people must therefore have blasphemed the Spirit of God by passionately believing that Jesus was empowered by an evil spirit. And yet Peter, under the Holy Spirit’s anointing, offered these very people salvation if they were willing to repent – to change their beliefs about the Spirit through which Jesus operated – and put their faith in Jesus as their Savior. Tucked away in this Pentecost sermon is something else highly significant. Forgiveness is offered to people who ‘disowned’ (the word, translated ‘denied’ in the King James Version, is used twice in Acts 3:14-15) Jesus. In the original Greek, this very word is the one Jesus used when he stated: Matthew 10:33  But whoever disowns me before men, I will disown him before my Father in heaven. Jesus’ pronouncement here is as emphatic as the one he made about the unforgivable sin. It offers no hope for anyone disowning/denying him, and yet Scripture elsewhere proves beyond doubt that this sin can indeed be forgiven. This highlights the fact that whenever we see in Scripture what seem like terrifying pronouncements of doom, they apply only to those who die without ever regretting that sin and seeking forgiveness for it through Jesus’ shed blood. Consider this Scripture: 1 Corinthians 6:9-10  Do you not know that the wicked will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: Neither the sexually immoral nor idolaters nor adulterers nor male prostitutes nor homosexual offenders nor thieves nor the greedy nor drunkards nor slanderers nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God. Like very many other disturbing parts of the Bible, this seems to give no hope to anyone found guilty. If we panic, however, it is because we have ripped such verses out of the Bible; reading them in isolation, without adequately considering the rest of Scripture. In this case, the answer is in the very next verse: 1 Corinthians 6:11  And that is what some of you were. But you were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God. It is simply not true to the nature of the Bible, however, to always expect to find hope in the immediate context. For example, we read something similar in the book of Revelation, but the surrounding verses do not hint at forgiveness being available. The verse seems to say that  all  liars are sent to hell, but we know this cannot be true because that interpretation is inconsistent with the rest of Scripture, and what human has never lied? Revelation 21:8  But the cowardly, the unbelieving, the vile, the murderers, the sexually immoral, those who practice magic arts, the idolaters and all liars – their place will be in the fiery lake of burning sulfur. This is the second death. It makes no difference whether the interpretive key to a Scripture is in the next verse or a hundred verses away; it is a serious mistake to try to interpret supposedly damning Scriptures while disregarding the repeated teaching of the Bible about the power of our risen Lord to forgive  all  sin. A verse is taken out of context not only if surrounding verses are overlooked but whenever a passage is divorced from the full biblical revelation of God. Statements of doom, like ‘the wages of sin is death’ or ‘anyone who blasphemes against the Holy Spirit will not be forgiven’ were never divinely intended to be torn from the rest of the Bible and twisted into something that nullifies other parts of God’s revelation. Suppose a parent warns a child, ‘Disobey and I’ll kill you!’ The correct interpretation of those words depends entirely on the person’s character. It will mean radically different things if the parent is loving and gentle, with a sense of humor, or is harsh, or is quite capable of murder. To correctly understand the Word of God, one must understand the heart of God. So what is the heart of God? Love, says the Bible. It is love that causes him to strongly warn and it is love that causes his heart to melt and forgive at the first sign of repentance. To understand what God means by harsh statements that seem to deny all possibility of forgiveness, we must get to know God as deeply as we possibly can. A key way of knowing how someone will react in a new situation is to observe over a long period how he handles similar situations. So to understand how God will react to someone blaspheming the Spirit, let’s look at how he acted previously, after issuing other dire warnings. Over and over, the Bible records God seemingly giving people no hope, and yet letting them off the hook anyhow, the moment they changed their attitude and looked to him in faith. For example: *  God told Moses, ‘Now leave me alone so that my anger may burn against them and that I may destroy them. Then I will make you into a great nation.’ Moses disobeyed the Almighty’s command to ‘leave me alone.’ That’s a bold act, since it was for disobedience that all the others were about to be destroyed. But this man knew God’s heart. He prayed and God reversed his decision to destroy them (Exodus 32:10,14). *  The Law of God said no Moabite could ‘enter the assembly of the LORD, even down to the tenth generation’ (Deuteronomy 23:3) and yet Ruth, David’s great-grandmother, was a Moabite and became God’s chosen ancestress of the Messiah. *  God’s law said that everyone guilty of adultery must be put to death (Leviticus 20:10; Deuteronomy 22:22; John 8:5). David the adulterer repented and, despite God’s anger, he was not only allowed to live but to continue to reign as king with God’s full blessing (2 Samuel 12:13). *  Jonah was a prophet (2 Kings 14:25). His  entire  prophecy, according to Scripture, was ‘Yet forty days, and Nineveh shall be overthrown’ (Jonah 3:4). The prophecy held not a shadow of hope. God’s chosen instrument to pronounce this death sentence was a man who hated these people with a passion. He wanted them annihilated. You can be sure there was nothing about the body language or tone of voice of this messenger from God to hint to these pagans that the God of this foreigner might be loving or merciful. Everything hitting their senses told them they were doomed. They were wicked. They deserved destruction. Their time was up. Yet they repented and the divinely inspired prophecy fell to the ground. *  The prophet Micah prophesied in the days of King Hezekiah, saying, ‘This is what the LORD Almighty says: “Zion will be plowed like a field, Jerusalem will become a heap of rubble, the temple hill a mound overgrown with thickets.”’ Hezekiah sought the Lord, and God relented (Jeremiah 26:18-19). *  King Hezekiah was terminally ill. The great prophet Isaiah said, ‘This is what the LORD says: Put your house in order, because you are going to die; you will not recover.’ Hezekiah prayed and another prophecy hit the dust (Isaiah 38:1-5). *  The Bible clearly indicates that prophecies of doom are not given so that God can prove how smart he is in predicting the future, but are given in the hope that the prophesied condemnation will be averted by the people repenting. ‘If at any time I announce that a nation or kingdom is to be uprooted, torn down and destroyed, and if that nation  . . . repents of its evil, then I will relent and not inflict on it the disaster I had planned’ (Jeremiah 18:7-8, see also Jeremiah 26:3.13; 36:3). ‘And if I say to the wicked man, “You will surely die,” but he then turns away from his sin and does what is just and right . . . None of the sins he has committed will be remembered against him. . .  he will surely live’ (Ezekiel 33:14,16). Why is this? Because of the heart of God: ‘As surely as I live, declares the Sovereign LORD, I take no pleasure in the death of the wicked, but rather that they turn from their ways and live . . .’ (Ezekiel 33:11). *  Jesus repeatedly rebuffed the Canaanite woman, calling her a dog and saying in response to his disciples’ plea to get rid of her, ‘I was sent only to the lost sheep of Israel’ and later, ‘It is not right to take the children’s bread and toss it to their dogs’ (Matthew 15:24,26). She persisted and got what she wanted – the very thing Jesus had just pronounced ‘not right’ and contrary to his divine mission. This overview allows us to see deep into the heart of God and know what he really means by harsh statements that seem to give no way out. Their very harshness is intended to move people to seek God so that he could relent. God is neither fickle, nor a liar. He sticks steadfastly to what  he  means; never to anyone’s misunderstanding of what he means. The only way to avoid misunderstanding God is to never underestimate his merciful, loving heart, and how an offender’s change of heart and faith in Christ’s sacrifice frees God to forgive as he longs to, and suddenly the impossible becomes possible. Of course, if a person does not respond the way God hopes, the dire statement remains in force. To understand what God means by an unpardonable sin, it is essential to interpret it in the light of God’s forgiving heart, and his ability to forgive through Christ,  and  his inability to forgive outside of faith in Christ. If, however, instead of reading the Bible in sync with God’s heart, we read it while letting ourselves be dominated by a condemning conscience or by fear that Jesus is not ‘able to save completely those who come to God through him,’ (Hebrews 7:25) we will repeatedly get it wrong. Sadly, feeling sure of God’s forgiving nature is particularly difficult for some people suffering psychological afflictions such as Generalized Anxiety Disorder (free-floating anxiety can be misinterpreted as being unable to be freed from guilt), Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (which can cause a condemning conscience and/or uncontrollable, blasphemous thoughts), major depression, bipolar disorder, schizophrenia or delusional disorder. I explain this more – especially OCD – in subsequent pages. Of course, not everyone suffering this way has been diagnosed. Treating such illnesses will help people read the Bible in a way that is closer to how God intends it to be understood.   Another Holy Spirit Blasphemer Forgiven We saw that Peter was divinely inspired to offer forgiveness to Jews who had committed the unpardonable sin of so hardening their hearts as to genuinely believe that the Spirit by which Jesus operated was demonic. Let’s explore this further by looking at Saul of Tarsus, who later became the apostle Paul. I can find just one explanation for Saul’s behavior: he believed – and did all he could to force others to believe – that Jesus performed his miracles through the power of demons. The supernatural character of Jesus’ ministry was common knowledge at that time in his part of the world. So much was this the case that Peter could confidently say to a stranger living on the geographical fringes of Palestine, quite distant from Jerusalem and Galilee where Jesus performed most of his miracles, ‘You know what has happened throughout Judea, beginning in Galilee . . . how God anointed Jesus of Nazareth with the Holy Spirit and power, and how he went around doing good and healing all who were under the power of the devil, because God was with him’ (Acts 10:37-38). Saul, a most intelligent man with connections with the top Jewish leaders, and deeply involved in trying to change Christians’ beliefs, would have had to have known all about Jesus’ famous miracles. Furthermore, he was not some modern day skeptic. Being a Pharisee, he strongly believed in the supernatural – angels, demons, life after death, and so on. Clearly, when Saul was violently opposed to Jesus, the miracle worker, he must have been convinced that Jesus’ power to supernaturally heal was demonic. The man who became God’s chosen apostle, literally tortured Christians, trying to force them to blaspheme (Acts 22:19; 26:11). Since he was a God-fearing man who thought he was serving God by doing this, he could not have supposed at the time that he was seeking to make them blaspheme God. He must have been trying to get Christians to utter the blasphemous things about Jesus and the Source of Jesus’ power that at that time Saul himself firmly believed to be true. To leave us in no doubt, Paul himself declared in writing that he ‘was once a blasphemer and a persecutor’ (1 Timothy 1:13). He said he acted in ignorance, but it was a very limited ignorance. He blasphemed despite being a Bible scholar, knowing every word of Old Testament Scriptures, including all the Messianic prophecies fulfilled by Jesus. And he continued to be a blasphemer despite the witness of all the countless Christians he argued with and all those he tortured. This man’s total forgiveness proves how eager God is to find reason for mercy. In contrast to Christians who blaspheme only half-heartedly or occasionally, Paul was relentless in his blasphemy and in his determination to force Christians to blaspheme. ‘But Saul was not a Christian when he thought such horrible things about Jesus,’ object people who feel if they sin after becoming a Christian it somehow stops God from being forgiving. This implies that God was more loving or gracious towards us when we were his enemies than after he had made us his own. That’s ridiculous! If God can find the grace to forgive his enemy, can he not forgive his own child? Romans 5:10  For if, when we were God’s enemies, we were reconciled to him through the death of his Son,  how much more , having been reconciled, shall we be saved through his life!  (Emphasis mine) Hebrews 7:25  Therefore he is able to save completely those who come to God through him, because he always lives to intercede for them. If Saul’s evil could not only be forgiven but he was selected by God to be one of the greatest Christians, then God will forgive you and make you great. As Scripture affirms, the Lord truly is ‘patient with you, not wanting anyone to perish, but everyone to come to repentance’ (2 Peter 3:9). (In the original Greek, ‘repentance’ literally means to change one’s mind.) So Saul, and anyone like him, could be forgiven and wondrously used of God for the rest of his life simply because he had a change of heart and no longer believed that Jesus had a demon. What makes people unforgivable is not God hardening his heart against them. The God of eternal love, who wants no one to perish, does not suddenly crack and no longer  want  to forgive certain people. They are unforgivable solely because there is salvation through no one else but the One they are dismissing as demonic. It is an eternal sin because once a person dies still consciously rejecting Jesus’ salvation, there is no opportunity for forgiveness in the next life. Anyone repenting and believing in Jesus before death, however, will be forgiven.   Impossible to be Saved? When forgiveness is impossible, cling to Jesus, and ‘impossible’ becomes a word that loses all meaning. It is utterly impossible for any camel to pass through the eye of a needle, and yet Jesus said that even that impossibility would be easier than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God. Let’s not water down what Jesus was saying. A camel was the largest creature commonly found in the nation and the eye of a needle was the tiniest easily describable opening. It’s not just hard; it’s impossible. The disciples understood. They were flabbergasted. ‘Who then can be saved?’ they asked in astonishment. If ever you are tempted to think it is impossible for God to forgive your hideous sins, then burn Jesus’ reply into your brain, ‘With man this is impossible, but not with God; all things are possible with God’ (Mark 10:27). Let’s clarify the matter by revisiting this incident. Jesus stated that it is impossible for some people to be saved. Then – apparently only because the disciples queried him – in the next breath he said that with God nothing is impossible. From this we see that no matter how impossible it might be for a Holy Spirit blasphemer to be saved, it suddenly becomes possible when the God of the impossible becomes involved. The issue then becomes: will such a person change his or her attitude and seek God for this miracle or will the person continue to spurn his or her only hope of salvation? We already know where God stands – he wants no one to perish. The ball is back in the blasphemer’s court.   The Truth Distilled At first reading, Jesus’ statement about an unforgivable sin seems to contradict the rest of Scripture. The Bible says  every  sin can be forgiven; Jesus says the sin of blaspheming the Spirit by which Jesus operated – believing that the Spirit in Jesus is of the devil –  cannot  be forgiven. In reality, they are saying exactly the same thing. The Bible says your every sin will be forgiven,  if  you believe that Jesus is God’s means of salvation. Jesus says your every sin will be forgiven,  unless  you refuse to believe that Jesus is God’s means of salvation, and instead choose to believe Jesus is of the devil. No one believing the damning doctrine that Jesus is demon possessed can be forgiven, but anyone no longer believing that blasphemy can find forgiveness. As explained earlier in this series of webpages, however, God’s eagerness to forgive does not mean he will make faith easy. It is those who face great challenges to faith who end up achieving great things for God and will enjoy immense eternal glory. For your loving Lord to make it easy for you to believe that you are forgiven, would be to rob you of a reward greater than we could ever imagine.   Any sin for which you sincerely seek Jesus’forgiveness, is not the unpardonable sin Scripture promises forgiveness to any wicked person who turns to God. Isaiah 55:7  Let the wicked forsake his way and the evil man his thoughts. Let him  turn  to the LORD, and he will have mercy on him, and to our God, for he will freely pardon . (Emphasis mine) Anyone who seeks Jesus’ forgiveness is obviously turning to God. It would make God a liar if he were to spurn anyone who regrets his sin and seeks God’s forgiveness. The judgment of God upon those who continually resist his Spirit is not that God won’t respond when they turn to him. The judgment is that they would become so hardened that they do not turn to God for forgiveness. Isaiah 6:10  Make the heart of this people calloused . . . Otherwise they might . . .  turn  and be healed.  (Emphasis mine)  Do you see it? If they turned they would be forgiven (healed of the eternal consequences of sin). The judgment is that their heart becomes so callous that they refuse to turn to God and put their faith in Jesus’ power to forgive.   Proof that you have not blasphemed the Holy Spirit Jesus’ warning against blaspheming the Holy Spirit sends a chill down us. And rightly so. We dare not abuse God’s grace. It is true that God’s Spirit will not ‘always strive with man’ (Genesis 6:3). However, if you find yourself longing for fellowship with God, it is clear that the Spirit is still ‘striving’ with you – passionately working within you in an attempt to woo you back to God. John 16:8  When he  [the Comforter, the Spirit of Truth]  comes, he will convict the world of guilt in regard to sin and righteousness and judgment Since conviction of sin is the work of the Spirit, if you feel convicted of your sin, the Holy Spirit obviously has not withdrawn from you. On the contrary, he is actively working in your life seeking to bring you back to Jesus. Feeling the need of forgiveness is clear proof that God has not given up on you. John 6:44  No-one can come to me unless the Father who sent me draws him, and I will raise him up at the last day. Your longing to come to Jesus is proof that Father God is drawing you. It is irrefutable confirmation that he has not abandoned you. Someone who is unforgivable must be someone who no longer meets the conditions of God’s promises of forgiveness. In other words, they become so hardened that they do not  want  Jesus to forgive their sins. Either they turn their back on God so defiantly that they refuse to return to Jesus, or they never seek forgiveness because they imagine God approves of their sin. An example of the latter might be someone so caught up in sexual immorality or damnable heresy that for the rest of their lives they believe that their sin is acceptable to God. There is a huge emphasis in Scripture that forgiveness is freely available to anyone who comes to Jesus in simple trust, willing to let go of their sin. Here’s a few examples. The Unchangeable Word of God 1 John 5:1 Everyone who believes that Jesus is the Christ is born of God . . . John 1:12 Yet to all who received him, to those who believed in his name, he gave the right to become children of God. John 3:15 that everyone who believes in him may have eternal life. (16) For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life. John 3:36 Whoever believes in the Son has eternal life, but whoever rejects the Son will not see life, for God’s wrath remains on him. John 5:24 I tell you the truth, whoever hears my word and believes him who sent me has eternal life and will not be condemned; he has crossed over from death to life. John 6:40 For my Father’s will is that everyone who looks to the Son and believes in him shall have eternal life, and I will raise him up at the last day. 1 John 1:9 If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness. Romans 10:9 That if you confess with your mouth, ‘Jesus is Lord,’ and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved. Romans 10:11 As the Scripture says, ‘ Anyone who trusts in him will never be put to shame.’ And many other Scriptures. Moreover, the Bible indicates that it is not those who have done little wrong who most easily find salvation, but those who see themselves as among the worse sinners. Consider Paul, so mightily forgiven and blessed of God. He saw himself as the greatest sinner (1 Timothy 1:15-16)   Left Field A friend of mine suggested a very different approach to this subject. Suppose God were to declare someone totally unforgivable and that no matter what the person does he will end up in hell anyway. Such a person would probably conclude that he has no incentive to live righteously and that he might as well get his fill of sin, regardless of who else gets hurt.  Do you really think the Holy Lord would do anything that could encourage sin?  It is only in the interest of the Evil One to suggest to anyone that he is unforgivable.   Why most Christians have thought themselves guilty of the unpardonable sin It is normal for Christians to find themselves strongly tempted to think that they are beyond God’s forgiveness. This is so common because we all have the same spiritual enemy. Relative to the God who dwells in us, our enemy is such a weakling that he can do little else but tell us cunning lies in the hope of tricking us. The devil is like a school bully. He hates you furiously but he is powerless to hurt you because your best friend towers over him. As long as you and your friend remain inseparable, the bully can only fume in utter frustration at his helplessness. Your friend is faithful and will never desert you. The bully’s only hope is if you wander away from your friend. But why would you be so stupid? You would only do so if you imagined your friend no longer cared for you and would not defend you. The devil knows his options are limited. For as long as you cling to your friend Jesus, you are a thousand times more powerful than the devil. So he hatches a plan. Somehow he has to convince you that Jesus is no longer devoted to you. If you believe that lie you will wrongly imagine that prayer and staying close to Christ are pointless. You might therefore gradually drift from the only Person who can foil the Evil One’s plans to destroy you. If he can fool you into not calling upon the devil-crushing power of Christ when Satan attacks, he can turn you into his plaything. So the Accuser of the brethren feverishly tries his old con job on you, just like he does with every other Christian, hoping to trick you into thinking the loving Lord has rejected you. If this diabolical trickster could succeed in fooling you, he could twist you around his little finger, like someone ordering people around because they do not realize that what looks threatening is nothing but a toy gun. If you see through the devil’s trick, however, he is a goner. He’ll have to run for his life. No one on this planet deserves divine forgiveness. God offers forgiveness, not because of what you have or haven’t done, but because of what Jesus has done. In his extravagant love God wants to treat everyone as if he/she were sinless. What Justice requires is that you make it legal for him to pardon you. This happens when through faith you identify with Christ, believing that he died for every sin you have ever committed. A divine exchange then takes place whereby Christ receives your sin (that’s what killed him) and you receive his sinlessness (that’s what gives you spiritual life). Remember that when Jesus was tempted, the devil quoted from the Bible. Jesus exposed the devil’s lies, proving that the devil had distorted God’s Word, by quoting Scripture back at him. That is what I have done in this webpage and in the next, and indeed in this whole series of pages. Don’t let the Deceiver mess with your mind by quoting certain Scriptures as if the rest of the Bible were non-existent. Instead, resist the Evil One’s powerfully persuasive brainwashing by continually immersing yourself in the truth of these webpages. Don’t dwell on his lies, thereby giving him license to deceive. For effective medical treatment one must take identical pills day after day. Likewise, you need to absorb these truths by reading them over and over. Jesus overcame the devil’s lies by quoting Scripture  from memory.  And he was so conversant with the full teaching of Scripture and with the heart of God that despite the deceiver’s powerful intellect, Jesus saw through every cunning attempt to distort God’s Word.   Forgiven people whom one might guess had committed the unpardonable sin Who was the greatest first century Christian? Some would say Peter. Some would say Paul. And yet both committed sins so grievous as to seem unforgivable. Despite having already examined some of their sin, we should probe even deeper. To gloss over the gravity of their sin could cause us to miss something very significant about the extent of God’s forgiveness. It was not false modesty that moved Paul to label himself the ‘chief of sinners’. Though his mind had been saturated with Scriptures that told him the opposite, he sought to murder powerful Christians like Stephen who, if allowed to live, could have saved thousands of souls from eternal torment. Even worse, he tried not just to end their precious lives, but to torture Christians in the hope that they would blaspheme and reject their only possible means of salvation. Even mass murderers and violent, hate-crazed rapists rarely try to violate their victims’ eternal destiny. Some people have tried to banish Christianity from their country, but few people in history have tried like Paul to obliterate every trace of Christianity  from the entire planet . Above all men, Paul was most worthy of destruction, yet God was so eager to forgive him that the Lord dramatically took the initiative by powerfully intervening on the Damascus Road. And consider Peter, the other contender for the title of greatest First Century Christian. When he first came to Jesus he was so overwhelmed by his sinfulness that he fell at Jesus’ knees, begging the holy Lord to leave him (Luke 5:8). Jesus welcomed Peter not only as a beloved follower, but as an apostle, and not only an apostle, but one of the inner circle of three (Peter, James and John). And yes, even among these three, Peter’s name regularly topped the list. Yet we find Peter committing one of the most grievous sins imaginable – being used as a tool of Satan to tempt the holy Son of God. And this was no minor temptation. He sought to use his special friendship with Jesus to entice the Lord to reject the way of the cross – the only means whereby anyone on this planet could be saved. Had Peter succeeded, we would all have been spiritually doomed! And coming from someone so close to Jesus’ heart, and from someone who had just delighted Jesus by his sensitivity to the Spirit, Peter hurled at Jesus a most enticing temptation. ‘Get behind me Satan!’ Jesus was forced to retort.  Still later, Peter disowned his Lord, not once or twice but three times, using oaths and everything he could think of to totally disassociate himself from his only Hope of salvation. In the original Scriptures, the very same word is used in each of these verses: Matthew 26:70  But he  [Peter]  denied it before them all. . . . Matthew 26:72  He denied it again, with an oath: ‘I don’t know the man!’ Matthew 10:33  But whosoever shall deny me before men, him will I also deny before my Father which is in heaven.  (KJV) Years later, Paul had to confront this powerful church leader, compelled to publicly accuse Peter of hypocrisy, lest he lead many astray. It was through Peter that God had given the entire church the monumental revelation not to call the Gentiles unclean (Acts 10:28; 11:1-18). Despite his three-fold vision from God on the matter and having once boldly championed his Spirit-led decision to eat with Gentiles, Peter ended up caving into fear and backsliding into not eating with Gentiles (Galatians 2:11-14). Yet Peter was fully forgiven and showered with spiritual blessings. And that same offer of divine forgiveness – that same extravagant love – is eagerly extended to you. Very many people write to me, terrified that they have committed the unforgivable sin. Usually it is for one or more of the following reasons: *  There was a time when they deliberately swore at the Holy Spirit or said something foul about him and now they are riddled with guilt over it. *  Like troublesome flies, thoughts they do not want and are not what they truly believe, keep buzzing around in their minds despite their every attempt to shoo them away. *  Knowing that Satan masquerades as an angel of light, they were once so anxious not to fall into the deceiver’s trap that they mistakenly confused an act of God for a trick of the devil. The Lord has now graciously opened their spiritual eyes and they are filled with remorse for being overzealous in their desire to reject the devil’s trickery. Seriously, how does such behavior stack up against the sins of Peter and Paul? Consider all the grave offenses they committed despite having a deep knowledge of God’s Word. Does it make the slightest sense that God would freely forgive them – and not only powerfully bless and anoint these men but present them as role models for every subsequent generation of Christians – and then refuse to forgive someone’s overzealousness, or a past failure to control an unruly tongue, or unwanted, often uncontrollable, thoughts? King David, at the height of his spiritual maturity, committed atrocious sins. Before Christ even offered his sacrifice for the sins of the world, however, God so fully forgave David of those grievous offenses that David not only continued as anointed king, he remained so Spirit-filled as to write divinely inspired Scripture (see Psalm 51, title) as did Peter and Paul. Could a just God forgive David of adultery and the premeditated, cold-blooded murder of the innocent husband, and not forgive  anyone  filled with remorse over past offenses and trusting Christ as Savior?   Seal it with a prayer Here’s a prayer I suggest you read to God. Lord,I am overwhelmingly aware that I have nothing to boast of in your presence. And yet this realization is bringing me into line with exactly the attitude you say we should have. ‘For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith – and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God – not by works, so that no one can boast’ (Ephesians 2:8-9). And again you say you deliberately choose those who are lowly and despised by this world so that no one may boast (1 Corinthians 1:28-29). So here I am, finding myself utterly unlike the Pharisee Jesus spoke of, who could boast, ‘God, I thank you that I am not like other men – robbers, evildoers, adulterers – or even like this tax collector.’ Whether I like it or not, I am the opposite of this man, who saw no need to ask forgiveness. Instead, I find myself like that despised tax collector of whom you said, ‘He would not even look up to heaven, but beat his breast and said, “God, have mercy on me, a sinner.” ’ And yet you said of this tax collector, ‘This man, rather than the other, went home justified before God’ (Luke 18:10-14). You say, ‘If we claim we have not sinned, we make him [you] out to be a liar and his word has no place in our lives’ (1 John 1:10). I am certainly in no danger of that. I am overwhelmed by my sin, and yet you say, ‘If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness’ (1 John 1:9). I might think myself the greatest of sinners, but the apostle Paul was certain that title belonged to him (1 Timothy 1:15) and you clearly accepted him. You say repeatedly in your Word that the basis of salvation is our faith in you – faith that you are so loving and so powerful as to purchase through Christ our forgiveness despite the magnitude of our sin. Since faith is critical to salvation, it is obvious that the one you call the Father of lies would focus his deceptive powers on trying to undermine my faith in your forgiveness. I determine with your help not to dishonor you by surrendering to satanic lies about your power and willingness to forgive those who seek your forgiveness. I regret everything I have ever done to dishonor you, and I refuse to continue to dishonor you by disbelieving your willingness to forgive me. I exalt you, Lord Jesus, as the sinless Son of God who chose to die and rise again, thereby enabling me to live with you forever. I choose to believe you, not satanic attempts to twist your words against you. I choose to believe you when you said, ‘I am with you always, to the very end of the age’ (Matthew 28:20) and, ‘Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you’ (Hebrews 13:5). You say your relationship with Christians is like that of a husband and wife, and you say you hate divorce (Malachi 2:16). If a husband will not leave his wife, the only way they could possibly split up is if the wife refuses to live with her husband. That’s not me, Lord. I long to live with you. Obviously, it would delight the Deceiver if I were to doubt your love and shrink from you in despair. So I choose to draw near you, conscious of your promise that you will draw near to those who draw near to you (James 4:8) and that whoever comes to you, you will never drive away (John 6:37). So I put my faith in your faithfulness. I trust not my righteousness, but your righteousness. I refuse to accept the Liar’s attempt to slander you as being a liar. I praise you that because you are righteous you will keep your word. And because you keep your word about forgiving those who repent and put their faith in Jesus, I am one of the millions who enjoy your undeserved forgiveness. Thank you, Faithful One that I can say, ‘Rejoice not against me, O my enemy: when I fall, I shall arise; when I sit in darkness, the Lord shall be a light unto me’ (Micah 7:8). I delight in the fact that you never start something you cannot finish. You are no quitter. You have begun a good work in me and as I yield to you, you will persist until your work in me is perfected and I am ready to enjoy eternity with you. Thank you that your love is boundless and that my salvation depends on you.   Conclusion Over and over and over God has made such promises as ‘God so loved  the world  [no exceptions] that he gave his only begotten Son that  whosoever  [no exceptions] believes in him shall not perish’ (John 3:16, KJV). A list of very many more such Scriptures can be found in the links at the end of this page. There is no sin that can turn into a liar the God of Truth who made these promises. Neither is it a case of God reluctantly having to keep his word. He  longs  to forgive everyone of every sin because that is the very nature of true love. But the Holy Lord cannot let sin go unpunished. God went to the extreme of the Eternal Son of God being punished for the sins of the entire world ( every  sin you have ever committed) because there is no other way by which anyone can be saved. If we refuse to accept Jesus’ sacrifice as punishment for our sins, it breaks God’s heart but there is no alternative: we must bear the punishment ourselves. Those who blaspheme against the Spirit are not those who cuss the Holy Spirit. They are those who render themselves unforgivable by rejecting as a Satanic hoax their only means of gaining forgiveness. To remain permanently unforgivable, however, they must keep rejecting Jesus’ forgiveness for the rest of their lives. The book of Hebrews, which also contains stern warnings, was written to Jewish Christians who were in danger of rejecting Jesus as their Savior and turning back to their former Jewish beliefs. We can reject Jesus a thousand times and still find salvation by changing our minds and accepting Jesus’ salvation. But for as long as someone is continually rejecting Jesus as his means of salvation, he is unable to be forgiven. There is no sin so great that it cannot be forgiven when God’s forgiveness is sought through Jesus, but there is no sin so small that it can be forgiven if we refuse to ask God’s forgiveness through Jesus. The size of our sin is of no consequence whatsoever. The one thing that matters is whether we accept Jesus as our Savior. What matters is not our past sin but our present belief in Jesus’ power to forgive. We dare not dishonor God by taking his warnings lightly, but it is even more vital not to dishonor him by continuing to suppose he is unable or unwilling to forgive every sin of everyone who seeks forgiveness through Christ’s shed blood. Ironically, it is precisely because God’s warnings are terrifyingly serious that we must not think we are damned. Supposing that we are beyond forgiveness undermines faith in Christ’s power to forgive, and/or our motivation to repent, which are the very things that will protect us from the danger he is lovingly warning us about. More than any other sin, it is refusing to believe Christ’s power to forgive us that we must particularly strive to avoid. Nevertheless, every sin, including this one, will be forgiven once we recognize our error and seek forgiveness through faith in Christ. Simple logic is all it takes to prove that if anyone is filled to overflowing with the fruit of the Spirit (Galatians 5:22) it is the Spirit of God himself. He is love, kindness, gentleness, patience and self-control  personified . He is not fickle, nor does he hold grudges. He is not offended by thoughts you do not firmly believe or by anything you now regret. What offends God is continually rejecting Christ dying for you; rendering his sacrifice for you an agonizing waste by refusing to put your faith in the fact that his suffering on your behalf is sufficient to spiritually cleanse you from  every  sin. Fear distorts our view of everything and fear is not from God (2 Timothy 1:7). God’s antidote for fear is faith, and especially faith in the power of Christ’s sacrifice to forgive every sin. Delight him by continually believing it.   Final Thought Upon finding this webpage, a friend of mine e-mailed me, saying: Why would someone curse the Holy Spirit? Answer: Simply because they are trying to be bad. They are at the end of their rope, feel helpless or hopeless, and actually  try  to commit the unpardonable, sort of like a mini-spiritual-suicide. I am reminded of one time when my 16 year old daughter in frustration shouted at the family, “I worship Satan!” similar to how she used to say, “Once I’m out of here, I’ll never speak to any of you again!” Of course, now that she’s grown and living on her own she still speaks to us, and the week following that outburst she was the one who wanted most to go to church. I stopped reading Eric’s e-mail and replied: What you say is true for most people. Surprisingly, however, it is more complicated than that for some. Many sincere Christians become terrified of blaspheming the Holy Spirit and by a trick of the mind this terror drives them to think the very thoughts they fear. This is explained in detail in such webpages as . I have been forced to devote so many webpages to this – and a huge portion of my counseling time – because the torment these dear people suffer is horrific and they are almost inconsolable. I then returned to the rest of Eric’s e-mail and read the following about those who deliberately curse the Holy Spirit. I like the way he expressed it: The thing is, it’s a failed attempt at spiritual suicide. They  think  they are committing the unpardonable, but perhaps God in wisdom placed that tripwire, sort of like leaving harmless pills in a bottle marked  poison  where you know your at-risk teenager might try it [rather than finding something that truly is deadly].

Forsaken by God? A Testimony of Hope for Backslidden Christians “I swore at God, telling him, ‘Just leave! Go ahead, reject me.’ Then he appeared to me, knelt down in the dirt with me and held me. He whispered in my ear, ‘NO WAY. I will never leave you nor forsake you. NEVER, NEVER, NEVER.’ ” Do Hebrews 6 and Hebrews 10 mean that a spiritually gifted and once-devoted Christian who rejects Christ can never again enjoy a full and glorious relationship with God? If so, I would be damned. After years of anguish, however, I discovered the irrevocable truth of the vast numbers of Scriptures affirming that Jesus died for all sin – which, by definition, must include all my gross sins committed after my spiritual enlightenment. My testimony is proof that God will accept back every backslidden Christian who again puts faith in the forgiving power of Jesus’ sacrifice. I fell from being a committed, born again Christian with a wonderful, supernatural relationship with Jesus, to being enslaved by sexually perverted fantasies, hating Christians, and having eight demons. Although I yearned to return to God, my many years of attempting to win back his acceptance seemed only to confirm that God had forsaken me forever. Finally, I discovered there are no limits to Jesus’ power to forgive those who again put their faith in him. I now enjoy a beautiful relationship with God as joyous and fulfilling as ever, and continually getting even better than I had ever known. Introduction by Grantley Morris I know Christine very well. Her present relationship with God is so special that, frankly, I am envious of it. Not only is the Lord the love of her life, I can only gasp in awe at the way she daily hears from him. She has kindly let me ghostwrite her story. It is best to read the entire testimony, but it is divided into these sections: Disturbing Scriptures The Spiritual Heights From Which I Fell My Fall From Grace Years of Failed Attempts to Return to God Finding God Again My Wonderful Relationship With Christ Now Disturbing Scriptures I, Christine, rejoice in the indescribable relief of discovering that I can both believe in the Bible and no longer be haunted by Hebrews 6 and Hebrews 10. Hebrews 6:4-6 For it is impossible for those who were once enlightened, and have tasted of the heavenly gift, and were made partakers of the Holy Ghost, And have tasted the good word of God, and the powers of the world to come, If they shall fall away, to renew them again unto repentance; seeing they crucify to themselves the Son of God afresh, and put him to an open shame. Hebrews 10:26-29 For if we sin wilfully after that we have received the knowledge of the truth, there remaineth no more sacrifice for sins, But a certain fearful looking for of judgment and fiery indignation, which shall devour the adversaries. He that despised Moses’ law died without mercy under two or three witnesses: Of how much sorer punishment, suppose ye, shall he be thought worthy, who hath trodden under foot the Son of God, and hath counted the blood of the covenant, wherewith he was sanctified, an unholy thing, and hath done despite unto the Spirit of grace? I am living proof that whatever Hebrews 6 and Hebrews 10 mean, they cannot make a liar out of the God who has promised over and over in the Bible to forgive everyone who, regardless of past misdeeds, repents and puts his/her faith in the power of Jesus bearing on the cross the full punishment for our every sin. Any Christian who returns to Christ can find forgiveness, no matter how atrocious or repeated the sin. The Spiritual Heights From Which I Fell At an early age I began a relationship with Christ that would be the envy of many Christians. This, of course, was the grace of God, and not by any means my achievement. I share what I do in this section solely to highlight the extent of my fall and to encourage those who fear their sin against the enlightenment they once had is too extreme for the crucified Lord to forgive. When I was five, I sat under a cherry tree and asked God if he loved me. He answered with such warmth and assurance that I knew I was loved. From that moment we would talk and play as friends. It was so intimate and powerful that nothing will make me believe that it wasn’t God. I would sing to him and he made all the trees rustle as if to applaud. I giggled and giggled. What joy God gave me. As a child I studied at a Christian school and grew in the knowledge of God. Deeply in love with God, I found prayer and Bible study so exciting that from the age of 14 I joyously devoted a minimum of two and a half hours to it every day outside of school hours. Not only would I pray, but God would speak in my mind with great clarity. Sometimes the sessions were so glorious that I would continue throughout the entire night. Called of God to be an intercessor, the Lord would give me supernatural visions of critical situations overseas that I would otherwise have had no way of knowing. As I prayed, I was sure that breakthroughs had taken place and later I received concrete confirmation that this was truly God and not a product of my imagination. In one case, at stake was the spiritual destiny of a nation cut off from missionaries. I think it possible that the Lord shared these revelations with other intercessors who likewise prayed, but he nonetheless included me in this privileged responsibility of interceding for situations that were unknown to human minds except by divine revelation. On many occasions throughout my life I felt the Lord physically hug me. Under the Lord’s anointing I regularly exercised supernatural spiritual gifts. In addition, I served in the church musically and I was also extensively involved in practical acts of service such as feeding the homeless, helping abused women and children and the mentally ill, and sending off Bibles to countries where Bibles were outlawed. My Fall From Grace Children are often taught that their conscience is God speaking to them. Like many Christians, I moved into adulthood with little understanding of what a dangerously simplistic notion that is. A guilty conscience is not always God. If it persists after seeking forgiveness through Jesus, a guilty conscious is the Tempter trying to fool us into doubting Jesus’ power to forgive. My failure to fully grasp this was a time bomb that finally exploded when I found myself divorced. For as long as I can remember, I had wrestled with a guilty conscience. Instead of dismissing it as merely an unpleasant, satanically inspired temptation to doubt my Christ-bought salvation, however, I began to take a guilty conscience as proof that God had not forgiven me. I felt condemned over many things, a significant number of which I now know were not even sins, such as being molested by a man when I was an infant. No matter how gross or real my supposed sins were, however, I should have believed that Jesus had cancelled them all by paying for them in his blood, so that I was now innocent and pure in God’s eyes. Things came to a head when my sadistically violent, continually unfaithful husband refused to live with me anymore. Even on our wedding night the violence and trauma were so extreme that I attempted suicide the next day. I had married because prominent people in my church who claimed to be prophets insisted I would be disobeying God if I refused to marry the man both they and I barely knew. Although I felt nothing for this man romantically, I believed their claims to be better than me in hearing from God, and so, while not yet out of my teens, I married him quickly as they suggested. Soon afterward, he admitted to me that he had only pretended to be a Christian and had married me solely to gain entry to my country. It turned out that he had not even waited until we were married for his unfaithfulness to start and after marriage his affairs extended to multiple partners. Being vehemently opposed to divorce, I begged my husband to at least keep up the appearance of being married while he had his affairs, but he refused even this. His view of marriage was so low that he did not even care about making divorce official. He was happy to live with other women or even commit bigamy rather than bother with the red tape of divorce. Even more distressing to me was that because he was a cocaine addict and dealer, government authorities threatened to take my baby from me unless I proved my commitment to protect the baby by divorcing my husband. I had already had to lie over our sick baby, taking the blows as he tried to kick the baby. Physically ill with guilt, I felt compelled to divorce; believing that divorce is a gross sin but seeing no other way to protect and keep the baby I had almost died to give birth to. I tried ever so hard to maintain my relationship with God but because nothing would stop the tortured screams of my accusing conscience, I chose to believe that these insistent guilt feelings meant that God was refusing to accept my prayers for forgiveness. I was surrounded by Christians who were strongly biased toward blindly denying how impossible my marriage had become. After all, respected “prophets” had said this marriage was of God. Incited by lies about me spread by my husband, life-long Christian friends turned against me. Entire churches rejected me. Their response – satanically inflamed by my conscience that refused to stop accusing me of what I believed to be the gross sin of divorce – drove me to the conclusion that if God’s people had rejected me, then God himself had rejected me. Believing that there was no way back to the God I loved was the most devastating experience of my life, but I needed somehow to survive for the sake of my baby. I felt compelled to live like those who have no God. I found non-Christian friends and grew bitter. A witch helped me get tough. Though she meant well, if it weren’t for her “help” I might not have gone through eight years of hell. Because of the divorce that broke my heart, key Christians in my life mistreated me and rejected me. Concluding that all Christians would likewise reject me, I resolved to become the enemy of all Christians. Politically, I campaigned for every anti-church bill I could find. I discouraged people from going to church, opposed Christian companies, got Christians fired and laughed at mean things done behind their backs by non-Christians. I also campaigned hard for euthanasia, gay rights, and abortion. For a few years I thought that sex without commitment was fun, but it turned sour. To escape the pain and isolation, I resorted to a fantasy world in which I engaged in sex with imaginary friends. Since I no longer believed in demons I was stunned when it eventually became undeniable that I was actually having sex with demons. Despite me being heterosexual, I ended up regularly having sex with a demon who always appeared as a woman. Not even bothering to appeal to my pride, this demon had the audacity to say that, despite my feminine body, I wasn’t good looking enough to take the female role in the relationship, and insisted that I must take the male role. I meekly submitted to this humiliation. One of my “imaginary friends” claimed to be a pedophile. As a sexual abuse survivor, I hated child molesters and yet, given the way the other demons had slowly corrupted me, I am horrified to think that had I not eventually returned to the Lord I might have ended up molesting children, just like the people I despised. Life was miserable. I regularly cut myself with knives. I suffered nightmares and panic attacks. Any hope of ever being loved had died. I felt pain beyond anything I could comprehend. With God out of the picture, I concluded that my life was my own to terminate when I wished. Moreover, since I was going to kill myself, I planned to make the most of it by first murdering some of the people I hated. I didn’t want to go to heaven. I was God’s reject. I stopped believing in hell, and just wanted it all to end. I typed “suicide” in a search engine and found a site about there being hope in God. I dismissed the site and found another that refused to discuss religion. It at least kept me alive. Years of Failed Attempts to Return to God Despite everything, I still had fond memories of the beautiful relationship with God I had once enjoyed. So overlapping, and in fact contributing to, my downward slide, were years of desperate attempts to return to God. I had tried to excess to get God to give me a second chance. I prayed – sometimes continuing throughout an entire night. I fasted – sometimes restricting myself to one light meal a day for an entire month. I studied the Bible to the point of denying myself sleep. I devoted a year to Bible College. I punished myself. I racked my brain trying to discover and repent of everything I have ever done that could conceivably have been sin. I threw away anything I could think of that might offend God (including trashing sixty music CDs that I wish I still had). I tried standing in faith (which failed because I was looking to inner feelings to confirm that my faith had “worked”). I tried church attendance, tithing, and community service. But despite it all, it seemed the appalling, inescapable conclusion that God had deserted me and that there was no way to get back to him. When every Christian attempt I could think of had failed to convince me that God accepted me, I turned to Buddhism as a way of finding God. This, too, proved fruitless. God had meant everything to me and now nothing I did could convince me that he cared. I was crushed beyond words. Finally, I could take the pain of rejection no longer. “I divorce you!” I told my former Lord, heartbroken. Without realizing it, I had literally fallen from grace. Instead of clinging to the foundational Christian truth that salvation is “by grace . . . through faith . . . not by works” (Ephesians 2:8-9) I had fallen into thinking I had to win God’s acceptance by works. By reverting to works (reliance on my efforts to gain God’s approval) rather than trusting in the finished work of Christ, I could never know if I had done enough to win God back. So I found myself compelled to wait for feelings or signs from God to confirm that I was saved. A problem with hoping to feel God was that I was in too much inner pain to let myself feel anything. And the problem with trying to hear from God is that I was too scared to fully listen to God, lest he condemn me. Moreover, anytime the Lord did get through to me by feeling, word or sign, I soon dismissed it, allowing it to be drowned out by my inner pain, fears, guilt feelings, and sickening memories of being rejected by Christians. But there was an even more serious problem: how could God give me the confirmation I craved, when I had abandoned his way of salvation? By thinking that my own efforts were a critical aspect of salvation, I was no longer putting my faith in Jesus alone. Had I maintained belief in salvation by faith, I would have forced myself to keep believing I was saved, no matter what my conscience said and no matter how distant God felt. Instead, I had reverted to works and waiting for feelings or signs or acceptance from Christians to confirm that I was saved, rather than relying on the immovable fact that Christ died for my sins. Finding God Again Finally, I discovered www.netburst.net and returned to the realization that salvation is by faith in Jesus – that proof of my salvation rests not in how close to perfection my life is or how I feel or in receiving personal signs from God, but solely in the unchangeable fact that Christ died for all sin. Slowly and reluctantly my eyes opened to the spiritual reality of my “imaginary friends.” The prospect of life without the comfort, companionship and sexual thrills these demons offered seemed terrifyingly bleak, but I desperately wanted God. What made expelling these evil spirits particularly scary is that reliance upon them had been my only way of coping with life without God. What could I do if ever again God were to reject me? Initially, though I valiantly kept resisting the demons’ sexual advances, I wanted to keep in reserve the possibility of returning to them if ever God were to let me down. When the demons saw I wasn’t serious about permanently evicting them, however, they were emboldened to keep striving to seduce me. It was torturous. Finally, I determined to be rid of them forever. They tested me a couple of times after that but when they saw the strength of my resolve to cling to Christ and be rid of them, they left. Then I was faced with the devastating realization that my years of turning to demons rather than God had, on my part, been nothing short of treachery. I was scared to let God into the dark secrets of my childhood sexual abuse and other sources of fear and shame. I feared not just the pain of facing memories that I wanted to bury forever, but I feared that God would be angry with me because of my past and that he is too holy to want to look upon the degrading sexual abuse I had suffered. My longing to keep things buried proved to be another battleground but slowly I discovered that every time I confessed to God a shameful secret, he not only did not condemn, he was gentle and loving and supportive. Whenever I let him into a dark corner of my heart, he lovingly shone his light on it and soon the scary shadows were revealed as tiny specs that could no longer haunt me. It was so liberating and healing. Full restoration took quite a while, however, because I kept discovering new areas that I needed to involve God in. I also had to learn that, despite his holiness, God is not cold or standoffish. When embarrassing temptation hits or we feel defeated, he longs for us to run to him, not from him. Even when my failures cover me with despair, condemnation is furthest from God’s mind. Yes, at such times the enemy of our soul fires my guilt feelings to almost intolerable levels, but God is not in this. Instead, the Lord yearns to comfort and uplift me when I struggle with sin and shame. This divine help is essential for my spiritual welfare but too often I have missed it because I have slunk away in fear and shame, not daring to believe that God longed to console me. Another major problem area was that I was too frightened to let myself fall totally in love with God. The pain of previously thinking I had lost God forever was so horrific that I don’t think I could endure a repeat. What if I let myself love him as deeply as I had before and he again abandoned me? Gradually, however, my trust deepened and I realized that even if I were to do the unthinkable and be so foolish as to again run away from God, he would yearn for my return. Like the prodigal son’s father, my Heavenly Father would be eagerly awaiting my return so that he could run to me, welcome me into his arms and yet again shower me with gifts. So I’ve stopped holding back and I’ve let myself fall head over heels in love with my glorious Lord. My Wonderful Relationship With Christ Now For years, I had been certain I was God’s reject, cast off forever. Now I know I am cherished as his beloved. Does feeling loved and forgiven make it more true? Certainly not. Does not feeling it make Jesus any less my Savior? Of course not. It’s all so obvious now, but for year after gut-wrenching year, the enemy had kept my mind too fogged for logic to help me. “The god of this age has blinded the minds of unbelievers” (2 Corinthians 4:4). Spiritual truth can only be seen through believing eyes and I had stopped believing. I could believe for others, but not for myself. I was blinded to the truth of my salvation because I had let slip from my fingertips faith in Jesus’ power to save all who call upon him (Acts 2:21; Romans 10:13). I had so focused on the greatness of my sin that I could not see the greatness of my Savior. If only I had continually forced my eyes off myself and fixed my gaze on my Savior; let all the guilty screams of my conscious fade and hear only Jesus’ agonized cries as he paid my debt, followed by heaven’s thunderous praise as he rose again to claim me as his own . . . Could I prove myself good enough for eternal intimacy with the Holy One? The burden of proof is on Jesus, not me. It was settled 2,000 years ago. The only way I could be unforgivable when I seek God’s forgiveness through Jesus is if Jesus had not died for some of my sins. And if that were so, it would make a liar out of God, who declared in his Word that Jesus died for the sins of the entire world (Isaiah 45:22; John 1:29; 3:17 2; Corinthians 5:19; 1 John 2:2; 4:14). He put in black and white in Scripture and signed it in the blood of Jesus. I had so focused on my own pain – generated by my mistaken belief that Jesus is less than the Almighty Savior that he is – that I had no awareness that God himself was reeling in pain – over me failing to accept the reality of his forgiveness and love. Since unbelieving eyes are blinded by anti-God forces, the only answer was to cling to belief, even while still blinded and while false feelings of guilt and hopelessness were so overwhelming and numbing as to make what heaven calls saving faith seem like off-with-the-fairies wishful thinking. In Jesus’ name I had to command the forces blinding me to leave. And I had to keep resisting them by stubbornly clinging to faith in Jesus’ power to save the most depraved, while gallantly ignoring everything within me that was screaming “Unforgivable!” I have cussed at God. I have dropped to my knees in pain and sworn at God, telling him, “Just leave! Go ahead, reject me. I am nothing.” Then, call it a vision or whatever you like, he appeared to me, knelt down in the dirt with me and held me. He whispered in my ear, “NO WAY. I will never leave you nor forsake you. NEVER, NEVER, NEVER. I am in love with you and addicted to you.” Since returning to God, I have enjoyed times when I have again experienced every spiritual high that I ever had in my spiritual honeymoon years. Much more exciting, however, is the fact that my walk with God is better now than before my fall because I am no longer dependent upon spiritual highs. What I have is stronger than my feelings and anything that I ever had before. I can have times when I have no indication that God is with me and yet be just as sure that God loves me and will never forsake me as when the Lord gives me special signs or warm feelings and speaks intimately with me. What makes this so exciting is that I now have real security. I’m no longer dependent upon fluctuating feelings or special signs from God for me to be certain of God’s love and of the unshakable dependability of his promise never to forsake his children. What I have now is a war-seasoned faith that God is true to his Word in spite of all the wild and foolish things I have done. I now know that if ever I mess up, the spotlessly holy Lord will humbly sit in the gutter with me, the instant I look to him. Even when I’m too overcome by a guilty conscience to feel it, he will warmly embrace me, lovingly clean off all my filth, tend to all the wounds and fears that haunt me, and lift me up to his throne again. He is my faithful friend. It is not my nature that determines God’s faithfulness; he is faithful because it is his nature. He is faithful because he is faithful. Consequently, he is as faithful to you as he is to anyone in the universe. Comment by Grantley Over the past several months since Christine rediscovered God’s forgiveness, I have stared open mouthed at how her spiritual life has mushroomed. All the Scriptures and Christian teaching of her past have been suddenly reactivated. I am reminded of Jesus, knowing that Peter would deny him, and yet saying, “And when you have turned back, strengthen your brothers” (Luke 22:32). This is exactly what Christine is doing. Suddenly, all the hurt and demonic torment she suffered when estranged from God is no longer a waste but is empowering her to minister with astounding effectiveness to other hurting people. Truly, all things – even backslidden years – work together for good when one returns to the Lord. Someone Else’s Experience I honestly thought I was saved. Then after about 18 years I fell into serious sin. This opened some horrible doors. I tried hard to repent but seemed unable to get back to God. For the next three and a half years I was haunted by tormenting thoughts that I had become an apostate. I was convinced that I was guilty of the unpardonable sin and that Hebrews 6:4-6 clearly dictated that I had crossed the line and was now damned. For all those three and a half years I never felt the Holy Spirit’s presence. I would read Scripture but only felt convicted by it. Then one day I felt the Holy Spirit at a Prayer Meeting. I felt my heart soften and I begged God to forgive me. Since then I go to Church and Prayer Meetings and feel the Lord’s forgiveness. When I am alone and depressed, however, Satan still tells me that I am not a real Christian, am damned, have committed the unpardonable sin and am beyond God’s redemption. Even though I know it is Satan, I start to believe him. I read an Internet article by a person who claimed he had committed the unpardonable sin and graphically described what he went through. I was terrified. Much of what he went through was similar to what I had experienced. The Lord showed me, however, that this isn’t scriptural, as nothing like this is in the Bible. Once, after a very rough weekend, I was ready to give up when I felt the Lord telling me to just trust in Christ. Quoting Scripture helps me, such as the ones saying that Satan is a liar, God’s mercy endures forever, God is love, and so on. I’ve learned that no matter what I go through, the only truth is the Bible. God loves us and desires to show us mercy. This is Scriptural and so is true. The Bible affirms if we ask God for forgiveness, through faith in Christ, he will forgive us. The Bible also says that Satan is a liar, hates us, and wants to condemn us. Christ died a horrible death on the cross to forgive us, as graphically shown in the movie “The Passion of the Christ”. My sin killed Jesus Christ but he defeated death and sin by rising from the grave. To get God’s forgiveness, all I must do is believe in my heart that Christ’s precious blood cleanses me from my sin and allows me to receive full and unconditional forgiveness. Again, this is from Scripture and must be true because God cannot lie. If you feel you are lacking in this area of belief, remember than you can pray about it. Scripture tells us that we can go to God about anything in prayer. Not admitting our sin to God will open the door to Satan’s attacks. Extreme fear that I have truly committed the unforgivable sin still sometimes pounces on me but nevertheless the truth is that, like Christine in the above testimony, I am forgiven by sincerely believing that Christ shed his precious blood for me. I’ve discovered that godly repentance is simply having faith that after confessing your sin, Christ will cleanse you and forgive you. It is that simple. All we must do is ignore satanic attacks of irrational fear and keep fighting the temptation to doubt. We know that even Jesus was tempted, so lack of temptation is never a sign of spiritual maturity. Like fighting any strong temptation, clinging to the belief that the blood of Jesus cleanses from all sin and resisting the temptation to doubt is sometimes far from easy but I do it, and so can you. The Next Step: If you need a break from reading, now is a good time. If your spiritual need is genuine, however, it is important that you don’t lose this web address and that you return when you can and read more. Next Testimony: (Short) Condemned by Hebrews 6:4-6 - LINK COMING SOON

Scrupulosity Testimony * Fear of being unforgivable put me in a mental hospital 13 times * So overwhelmed by damning thoughts that I was bed-ridden for eight months Amazingly, the keys to resolving Michael’s battle with terrifyingly blasphemous thoughts were: * Taking what used to be called vitamin B8 * Chatting to God as a friend about the very thoughts he feared made God furious and made him God’s sworn enemy * Learning to laugh at the terrifying attack Michael shares his story: My grandmother had Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD). I remember her going around the house and checking every window lock, and then checking them again. I grew up in an agnostic household, and was never allowed to read the Bible. At seventeen, I read the Bible and was dramatically changed by the Lord. From the moment I read in Matthew about the unforgivable sin, however, I was a ticking time bomb. While on the sofa one day, words entered into my mind involving swearing profanely about the Holy Spirit. I was terrified. Fear so deep gripped my heart that I ran down the hallway, yelling. Convinced that I had committed the unforgivable sin, agony consumed me. After some time, I became aware of the Lord’s presence, so I thought, “I must not have committed that sin after all! Just don’t think anything bad or God will leave you.” So, of course, bad thoughts and ideas came to me in every shape and form – grossly unchristian thoughts about the devil, terrible thoughts about God, and bad thoughts about just about everything else. I could barely live with the thoughts. I was terrified even to get into a car, lest I have a bad thought and panic. This fear put me into a mental hospital 13 times. When I was a kid, the psychiatrist diagnosed me with anxiety and gave medication to treat it. That particular medication was not as well understood back then as it is now. He would get me up to a high dose and I would feel better, so he would drop me off cold, making everything worse from withdrawals. I lost three years of my life in torment. I improved when I moved somewhat away from the Lord since, in my mind, he was the source of stress. I listened to secular music, and started working. I still had thoughts come. When I would try to say in my mind, “Praise the Lord,” I would think, “Praise the d.....,” then catch myself and say THE LORD. But that was about it. I became mentally strong, still served the Lord, but did not study the Bible every day nor go to church constantly like before. Fast forward to 2006. It started as a great year. I was forty, had a successful business, a wonderful house, got engaged, and attended Monday night Bible studies. I was very happy. During those Monday night studies, however, bad thoughts would enter my mind as we read the Bible. I now understand that it was not that I had any bad thoughts of my own; rather I feared I would think bad thoughts, and this fear brought them to me. Nevertheless, these thoughts haunted me. By about October, I was getting terrifyingly unchristian thoughts about the devil. By Christmas, I was a wreck. My fiancé left me and I end up literally bed-ridden for the next eight or so months. Aside from ordering food to be delivered to me, I would do little but lie on the bed, plagued by the worst thoughts of my life. You name it; I thought it – all because I feared it. For example, when I learned that we are created to glorify God, even though I understood it, I feared I would think that it is wrong for God to demand our praise. I did not really believe this about God, but I feared I would think it, so the thoughts came. I also avoided reading anything about the devil, for I feared I might think something wrong about him, and I feared that such a thought would send God away. I would call pastors and ask them question after question. At the end of eight months, while I was still confined to bed, one of them visited me. By now I had no money left, was getting evicted and was terrified. The pastor recommended a doctor willing to see me for free. The doctor thought I was bi-polar. I was not, but she gave me medication known to be effective with anxiety disorders. (I had not grasped at the time that my torment was a manifestation of scrupulosity – also known as religious OCD – and scrupulosity is an anxiety disorder.) All of a sudden I was well. The medication took away my irrational fear, and scrupulosity is driven by fear. With the fear gone, I could think rationally, though I was still wary. Within a month I had started a successful online business and rented an expensive house. After a few months, however, the doctor took me off the medication and the scrupulosity returned, along with all the mental torment. I ended up broke. I lost my car and everything else. I rented a little room and twice was almost evicted. My big mistake was in not realizing that the thoughts were symptoms of an illness (scrupulosity). So in my ignorance I focused on the thoughts. It was as if I felt I had to prove to God that I didn’t believe these thoughts, so I studied all day, every day, joined Christian forums and debated to try to prove to God and myself how strongly I believed the truth about God. But the torment continued. In desperation, I kept researching what I was suffering from and finally found out about inositol, a vitamin-like substance occurring naturally in the body. In my case, inositol has proved more effective in lowering scrupulosity than prescribed medication, with none of the side effects. For me, inositol is a dream come true. It does not drug people; it restores them by correcting an abnormality in their body chemistry. By bringing my body chemistry closer to normality, I could think clearer. It countered the tendency, common to everyone with scrupulosity, of my mind playing tricks on me. It was so effective that I beg everyone with scrupulosity to seriously pray about using it. I believe in taking it in powder form and I took at least 10 grams a day. It is sometimes recommended that people slowly build up to that high dose and that some people only need a lower dose but going straight to the high dose worked fine for me. A high dose might initially cause diarrhea but my body soon adjusted. For more about inositol, see Natural Cures for Anxiety Related Illnesses . Although I was not as incapacitated as before, I visited a counselor who himself had suffered from scrupulosity in the past. He showed me brain scans of people with OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder – scrupulosity is one form of it) and explained that for those of us who have OCD, the part of our brain that feeds thoughts is overactive but the part that receives these thoughts and should be able to dismiss irrelevant ones under-reacts. The result is being flooded with too many thoughts coming in all at once, and not being able to adequately process them. When we are fearful we become like a broken information processor. Knowing how the brain works in people with OCD helped me realize that this is physical problem rather than a spiritual one. The counselor wanted me to try Exposure Therapy, where I write down all of the worst thoughts/ideas/concepts that trouble me, and then on a regular basis read them out loud to someone whose spiritual opinion I trust, such as a pastor. The idea is that by revealing my thoughts to that person, and him calmly accepting them, would diminish the power of these thoughts to instill fear. Unfortunately, this went disastrously because my pastor did not understand. So I decided I would try the ultimate Exposure Therapy – to present my thoughts to God himself and just talk to him about them. I would tell the Lord exactly what I thought – no matter how repulsive it was, saying, “This thought has come into my mind. You know I don’t believe that thought.” This approached proved a great success. Something else I’ve found helpful is to distract myself when I sense a doubt or unwanted thought beginning to bother me. Instead of stressing over it and focusing on it, I do best to relax and focus on something else. I redirect my concerns to finances, work, or something else of concern to me, or go online and engage in some debate. This gets my mind off an unhealthy obsession with spiritual things. By clearing my mind and lowering my irrational fears, inositol has made it easier for me to successfully employ such techniques. Most of us with scrupulosity are very serious people. We have very sensitive hearts and are deep thinkers. So it is very helpful to try to find whatever form of fun appeals – sport, funny movies, whatever is light-hearted and fun. By doing such things, sometimes we can lose ourselves in fun and look at our worries and just think, “What a waste of time”. To this day I still get intrusive thoughts, especially when I’m tired. When I am tired, fear increases and the brain is foggy. That is a perfect breeding ground for scrupulosity. The difference now is that when thoughts come that previously would have freaked me out; I laugh and say, “Lord, isn’t that scrupulosity horrible!” or just mentally, “That scrupulosity is a joke!” What makes scrupulosity so distressing is when we wrongly presume the thoughts belong to us, just because they whirl around in our brains and we have an emotional response to them. It is important to refuse to let yourself believe that you are evil – the blood of Jesus cleanses you from all sin – and to keep believing that as much as it seems as if the thoughts belong to you, they really don’t, and they are simply a mental infirmity. I say to those who have suffer from blasphemous thoughts: don’t lose heart, rather rejoice! Think about it: do those who hate God care if they think bad thoughts about God? No, only true Christians are concerned – and some of us with OCD are even so concerned that we worry whether we are concerned enough! There is no actual need for concern. Instead, prayerfully locate a good counsellor who understands religious OCD. Without help, it is likely to get even worse. Scrupulosity is like an endless circle that you can’t get out of. If you don’t finish the thought, you feel guilty. If you do finish the thought, you feel guilty. You cannot win while you fall into the trap of believing that your guilt feelings are from God. I know that if my faith is in Jesus and not in some false god or in my own attempts to please God, no sin is beyond the power of Jesus’ forgiveness. All of my sins have been taken away and nailed to the cross, but that doesn’t stop me from suffering scrupulosity, because fear is very powerful. Fear will overcome logic and Bible knowledge every time. Understanding the nature of scrupulosity helps, however. If, whenever an unwanted thought occurs, you can bring yourself to say, “This is just a mental joke,” it will begin to lose its power. I find it helpful to keep handy a little sheet with just a few facts. Mine contains some quotes from this website and some quotes from the Bible – not many, but just enough to remind myself that what I am facing is just a mental issue and that I’m fine spiritually. Since scrupulosity is the doubting disease, my brain will ask, “Did I read that correctly?” This sheet allows me to reassure myself that I did read it correctly. My favorite quote from this website turns a negative into a positive. It goes something like this: Intrusive thoughts reveals people’s hearts by showing what they least want to think. Scrupulosity is driven by an overactive mind, an oversensitive heart, and the fear that this produces. If you suffer from scrupulosity, you are not alone. You join a great cast of godly people in St. Ignatius, Martin Luther, John Bunyan, and most likely millions of others who have suffered in silence or out of the public eye. You are sharing in Christ’s passion, by battling the temptation to doubt the power of the cross to forgive all sin. Looking back, it seems as if no one has suffered for the Lord more than me. I would have chosen any other form of torment just to have a sound mind. Nevertheless, I am blessed to have suffered this. I did not suffer in vain. All things work together for ultimate good to those who love the Lord. We are to “glory” in our sufferings. The promise to share in Christ’s glory only applies if we share in his sufferings (Romans 8:17). Some of us, living in nice circumstances don’t have the opportunity to suffer as Paul and others have, but in scrupulosity we have the perfect suffering tool. Ask people with scrupulosity, “Would you rather have scrupulosity, or have cancer and be filled with assurance of God’s approval?” I guarantee they all would rather have cancer with assurance. That shows how intense our suffering is and if we did not care about God we would feel no torment in this. Have you read Bunyan’s, Grace Abounding to the Chief of Sinners ”? I found it comical him being tormented by the thought of “selling Christ”. It was dead serious to him, however. He wrote, “I could neither eat my food nor stoop down to pick up my clothes but the thought still came, ‘sell Christ’. To him this was horrific, but when we look at it, we might well wonder, how can anyone sell Christ? We are embarrassed by our thoughts and most likely have never told anyone, so it’s good to write them down, then re-visit them later so we can see them at a different angle. If you can see them when you are not scared but you are in a great mood you might see how silly it is to worry about such thoughts. The webpages listed at Feeling Condemned? There’s Hope! helped me lot, especially those from Scrupulosity: The Help You Need on. They explained to me that I wasn’t nuts and helped me see that I wasn’t the blasphemous person I thought I was. Looking back: I don’t know how I survived. I thought I was the most awful of persons. I used to beg God, telling him to give me cancer rather than be plagued with those thoughts. I wouldn’t wish what I suffered on the worst of people and yet much good has come out of it and I thank God for the suffering. Grantley’s Comments Medication – or the natural alternative, inositol – had a very dramatic effect on Michael. It allowed him to think more clearly which then empowered him to successfully employ other beneficial techniques in restoring his mind. He is desperate for you not to take as long as he did to realize that those horrible thoughts were generated not by him but by a chemical imbalance that plays havoc with one’s thinking. If you have thoughts that disturb you, do whatever it takes to cool them down. Take immediate action: see your doctor and correct the chemical imbalance. This is Not Enough As a physical therapist prescribes specific daily exercises in order to heal, I must prescribe daily reading of these webpages. There is a vast range to choose from but it should include: Scrupulosity Feel Condemned? How Much does God Love Me? Receiving Your Personal Revelation and all the pages the above links leads to. Next Testimony: Can You Find God Again After Falling From Grace?