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A horror story (graphic details omitted) with an amazing ending From when she was a tender three years old, right through to her mid-teens, Sue’s father shamefully treated her sexually. Where was the God of love, as year after year this innocent suffered unspeakable agonies? Yet as great a reason as that might seem for Sue hating God, her reasons had hardly begun. While attending a Catholic school, Sue gradually came to believe that God and the Bible are real. Then at age 16 that faith disintegrated. A priest molested her. The spiritual implications left Sue so devastated that she completely abandoned Christianity. For the next 12 years her anger raged. But her deepest reason for hating God had yet to appear. She writes: My life seemed just fine without relying on God and following hypocritical church rules. I didn’t need God. I could succeed on my own. After college, I went to law school. As part of an internship, I had to visit a criminal defendant in prison. I assumed I would be safe. After all, that’s what those steel bars and guards are for, right? Well, I got caught in a incident where I ended up cut off from the guards and on the wrong side of the bars with a group of inmates. I was terrified. After a few minutes of watching me cry and pace and generally fall to pieces, my client, who had apparently become a Christian in prison, shook his head and said, “Girl, where is your faith?” It was then I realized how misplaced my faith had been. I had assumed that the guards and the bars would protect me. They did not. But it hit me that God could protect me. And He did. It dawned that 12 years earlier I had made a similar mistake of misplaced faith. I had put my faith in the institutional church and in some of its people, but not in Christ. It was they, not God, who had let me down. I had judged Christ by those who use his name, and because they failed me I turned my back on the One who could never fail me. After this realization, I was ready (once again) to turn my life back into God’s hands. So Sue gave herself back to God, having no idea of the nightmare that lay ahead. After about eight years, Sue was so captivated by Jesus that she traveled half way around the world at her own expense on a short-term mission trip to tell strangers about the God she thought was the answer to her every need. One day, while the rest of the team went out, Sue selflessly volunteered to stay back at the church and pray for their efforts. As she prayed, two men entered, held a gun to her head and threatened to rape her unless she renounced Christ. She bravely refused. They carried out their threat, all the while taunting her that ‘her’ God was powerless to stop them despite her cries and prayers. Several weeks later, Sue e-mailed me. As you would expect, she was tormented by waves of anger toward the God who had failed to protect her even though she was so devotedly serving him. And as if the horrors she had already suffered weren’t enough, the Almighty had not even protected her from a nasty spider bite that had now developed into a staph infection. “It is being treated aggressively with antibiotics,” wrote Sue, “but my doctor says if it does not improve soon and markedly, he will place me in the hospital for intravenous treatment.” Hadn’t this dear woman endured enough indignities and traumas? Must she also be hooked up in a hospital bed like a chained animal with medical staff prodding and gawking at her? “I guess I assumed that since I had committed my life to Christ, and sought to grow in my faith, and spread the gospel, things like rape wouldn’t happen to me,” she wrote. Then came an astounding statement from this woman whose suffering seemed to know no end: “Obviously, I still need to grow in my faith, since the Bible is clear that Christians will be persecuted.” In addition to this turmoil, Sue was on a roller coaster of anger toward her rapists, sometimes restraining herself, sometimes not. “I don’t want my spiritual welfare to be at risk, Grantley. If my inability to forgive is a hurdle I need to cross, then I want to cross it. After all, it seems such a small hurdle compared to Jesus’ cross.” Deeply moved, my internet team and I offered all the support we could but we weren’t prepared for her next e-mail: I can joyfully announce that I have survived my spider attack, thanks to three days off work, a huge quantity of antibiotics and fervent prayer. I stayed out of the hospital, praise God! I took advantage of the time at home to really wrestle in prayer with the Lord and finally I achieved what I consider to be a spiritual breakthrough. I prayed earnestly for the salvation ( By this Sue means she prayed her attackers discover how wonderful Jesus really is and yield their lives to him, enabling God to wipe from their lives the eternal consequences of their sins so that they might enjoy eternity with him) of my two rapists, and I also forgave them. It seems so simple, but it felt so BIG. Afterward, the stillness was astonishing. And amazing. And peaceful. So I prayed some more. And the stillness grew. And grew. And I felt a whole lot better, emotionally and spiritually. For the first time in the nine weeks since the rape, I was able to sing in Church today in the praise team. (I was tired and a bit shaky from the spider bite, but I really felt the Lord’s hand on me.) You know what, Grantley? I’m going to be okay. God is in control. He still walks on water. He still heals. And He still saves. To most of us, Sue’s action seems so off the planet that we feel like rejecting it out of hand. Before doing so, let’s consider how many other things in life initially seem impossible and were for countless generations rejected as laughable by millions of people. Here’s just two obvious examples from a deep pool of possibilities: * Earth is a sphere and not only do people on the bottom not fall off, everything feels to them just like it does to those on the top. * Cutting people open – surgery – heals them. There are indeed many things that vast numbers of people dismiss as ridiculous and yet they work. Since Sue’s breakthrough had such a remarkable and beautiful effect on her, let’s delve deeper into her experience even if our first reaction is to think it ludicrous or unworkable. Miraculous Purity Let’s start with how Sue found perfect peace with a troublesome conscience. Of course there were times when she temporarily slipped back into old thinking, but Sue found being God-centered was the most liberating experience she had ever known. Until handing control of her life over to Christ several years ago, Sue had been constantly mud-wrestling with guilt. When guilt got the upper hand she was almost strangled with feelings of being nearly the most wicked person on earth. Her only way of fighting back was to think ugly, hateful thoughts about her abusers. The more she despised those perverts, the better she felt about herself. No matter how good anyone gets at mud-slinging, however, one is still groveling in mud. Irrespective of her innocence regarding sexual crime, and no matter how much she tried to suppress it, there were other areas where she, like all of us, had morally failed. Guilt is such a ghastly affliction that, like most of humanity, she tried to live in denial. It was a dreadful ordeal, constantly trying to lie to herself that she was near enough to moral perfection, when deep down she knew that she, like the rest of us, stood guilty before a holy God. Everything changed, however, when she looked to Jesus. Relative to the dazzling perfection of his life, everyone is so morally ruined that it is pointless trying to guess who is worse. And yet her spiritual union with Christ meant that an astounding exchange had taken place, whereby her shame vanished, having been absorbed by Christ’s abused body as his life agonizingly ebbed away. Then, completing the exchange with yet another mind-boggling miracle, Christ’s eternal honor became hers. In heaven’s eyes, Sue suddenly had the exquisite purity and matchless beauty of Christ’s moral perfection. She didn’t have to fight for it, put others down for it, lie to herself about it; it was simply, effortlessly hers. Sue could finally relax and face reality because her past no longer dominated her. Her entire past had been washed clean. Every sordid speck was washed away. She was spotless. “God’s forgiveness of my sins was a miraculous, instantaneous thing,” comments Sue. “My forgiving myself, however, took very much longer.” For help in this important area, a link to the webseries under the heading, Release from blaming yourself appears at the end of this webpage. Where was God when she needed him? Sue’s abusers stabbed God’s heart. As a mother looking at her hurting baby often feels more pain than her darling, God’s heart broke, his pain was immense and his fury at her abusers’ cruelty was so intense that no-one but the Almighty himself could restrain such emotion. Whatever reason God had for restraining himself, it was a good one – so good that when all is revealed Sue will spend the rest of eternity praising God for it. As explained in links listed at the end of this webpage, God is resolutely and unselfishly devoted to our long term good, but this must not be confused with short term ease that ultimately turns us soft and robs us of eternal glory. Perhaps you are presently in so much pain that even that statement makes you angry. The Bible calls trials birth pangs. Many a woman immediately after childbirth is convinced she will never allow herself to have another baby. She’s certain nothing could be worth that much agony. And yet the time comes when she is happily planning another child. Why? Because the pain is lavishly compensated by the rewards. And those compensations are like purgatory relative to the rich rewards awaiting Sue. Sue knew that Jesus had not let her down by allowing her to be raped. Jesus himself was violated until dead at the hands of sinful men, and he specifically said that his followers could expect to be treated just as he had been treated. Over and over the Bible warns that Christians will suffer in this life. In fact, a sizable portion of the Bible was written by Paul, who with agonizing regularity was shipwrecked, stoned, flogged, beaten up and imprisoned (2 Corinthians 11:23-29). Other New Testament writers and early Christians likewise had encounters with God so powerfully real that they reveled in the incomprehensible vastness of God’s love, while they and their loved ones suffered unspeakable horrors at the hands of people opposed to God. Significantly, Paul himself only became a Christian because God had let him torture and kill Christians until he finally came to his senses and yielded to Christ. Who would ever have guessed that God’s tolerance of this hate-crazed bigot would eventually lead to the transformation of countless thousands of people throughout the rest of human history? The Bible’s only promises regarding ill-treatment are that in this life we can expect to be on the receiving end and that the temporary pain will eventually be swallowed up by the eternal reward. It’s as if Sue trusted a financial consultant, investing her entire life’s savings by following his advice to the letter. Her investment keeps building and building, then suddenly nose-dives. Panic-stricken, Sue runs to her consultant angrily accusing him. “Don’t you remember?” he replies, taken aback, “I specifically said there is no guarantee there will never be downward fluctuations. We agreed this was a mid-to-long-term investment. My guarantee has always been that in the long term you’ll be thrilled with the result.” It’s silly to have the attitude that if God does not offer an iron-clad guarantee of total physical protection on earth we’ll choose to throw our lives away and spend an eternity of agony in hell. That's like condemning yourself to lifelong loneliness because marriage does not prevent pimples. It's like refusing surgery on a deadly tumor because cutting your toenails is not included in the operation. No one else offers total physical protection, realized Sue, so why deny herself all the unique comfort God offers? Physically and emotionally, Sue’s attack was horrific, and yet there is a sense in which it was not a low point in her life, but her moment of glory. She had proved beyond doubt to herself and to every evil spiritual power the genuineness of her love for God. Until then, the accusation could have been made that she was a Christian only because of her insecurities. That accusation might have been false, but it was untested. Sue had proved to herself and to everyone that she had not run to God simply to avoid hardship. She was fiercely devoted to him, willing to risk all for his sake. So much for those who accuse Christians of escapism. Where was God when she needed him? * Reeling in agony with her. * Proudly planning her reward. * Ensuring that through either Plan A (repentance leading to salvation) or Plan B (hell) her abusers would regret their action for all eternity. For a little more help with this baffling subject, see a link at the end of this webpage. How could any sane person forgive like Sue did? Sue initially recoiled from the thought of forgiveness. She confided that what caused her reaction was a mistaken idea of what forgiving involved. “I thought it meant I had to give up the truth that I was hurt and that I had been wronged, rather than merely giving up the right to want revenge,” she said. “Forgiving people is not the same as excusing their behavior. It does not make what they did right. It is acknowledging that a wrong was done.” This makes sense. If nothing wrong has been done, there would be nothing to forgive. Sue’s forgiveness did nothing to condone her attackers’ offense, nor did it make them less worthy of severe punishment. It said nothing about their morality except that they were guilty, but it spoke volumes about Sue’s morality. Connie, a friend of mine who has suffered immensely from sexual abuse, pointed out that forgiving was much easier for Sue than for many. Sue was a mature Christian, practiced in forgiving, and had experienced the miracle of being filled with God’s love. Even so, reaching the point where Sue could forgive her attackers still took a painfully long nine week struggle. And I could almost guarantee that further struggles with forgiving those lecherous fiends lay ahead. If anyone imagines that the length of this battle reflects badly on Sue, they know nothing. It’s like an epic battle against formidable odds. The tougher the battle – the longer it rages – the greater the victory. Had for Sue forgiving been a two minute victory, it would not have been the great moral achievement that it was. Finally breaking through after such a struggle proved Sue to be someone who is truly following in the steps of Christ. Reaching the point of forgiveness set Sue apart from all the hypocrites who try to feel good about themselves by feeling superior to sadists and others whose moral failures are obvious. Sue forgave those who violated her because, unlike many of us, she had the guts to face the awful truth that sin makes each of us guilty of violating Christ’s body and his purity. It was for her sins that Christ’s body was violated. Those sins – and mine, and yours – were laid on Christ, stripping him of his purity as he hung on the cross, the object of shame and public ridicule. When we face our Maker, one aspect of his judgment will be to apply to us the kindness or harshness which we applied on earth to those who wronged us. Sue had the spiritual insight to realize it would be blatant hypocrisy to ask God to forgive the shameful things her sin did to Christ if she were unwilling to forgive those who did shameful things to her. Suppose a new nation formed, with a brand new legal system. Before the courts are its first two cases. A man will be tried for stealing from you your wedding ring at knife-point. The next case will also involve you, but this time you will be the accused, on trial for the armed robbery of $50,000 cash. In the first case, the defendant is found guilty. As the crime victim, your input is sought regarding the setting of the penalty. Here’s your chance to influence the court and help set a legal precedent for the penalty of armed robbery. Would it be smart for you, whose court case is next, to angrily tell the court that having one’s life threatened and being robbed is the most awful experience and deserves the severest penalty? What if you were so blinded by the pain of what you suffered at the hands of your attacker that you could not see the similarity between the two offenses? You’re convinced that a knife held to the throat is far scarier than a gun, and that the theft of a cheap wedding ring, with its great sentimental value, is infinitely worse than stealing a large sum of cash. “You should chop off his hands,” you argue. “Then whip him till his life hangs by a thread. Then chain him up, toss him into the cruelest prison earth has ever seen and throw away the key.” How dangerously short-sighted that attitude would be! Jesus taught that we each find ourselves in a situation very similar to this one. We will one day stand before Almighty God, on trial for every sin we have ever committed. In our self-righteousness we might have achieved total blindness to our sin, but the Judge sees all. We will desperately want our offenses pardoned. And a major factor in the Judge’s decision will be his intimate knowledge of our attitude toward the offenses of others. What a tragedy if the great pain we have suffered at the hands of wicked men so blinds us to the magnitude of our offenses against God that our judgment of others renders us liable to God’s severest judgment. “Judge not, lest you be judged,” pleaded Jesus. Each of us are so hardened to our own sin that we cannot conceive how depraved we are. None of us deserves a divine pardon. God’s forgiveness of us, taught Jesus, hinges on whether we forgive those who don’t deserve our forgiveness. Why? An abused person has been deeply wronged. Sue explained it brilliantly when she said it is like acknowledging that a debt is owed, and yet choosing to write it off. But why would anyone write off a debt? In the business world, this is considered best practice when an honest assessment reveals that the possible returns are simply not worth the expenditure of time and effort required to attempt to extract payment. This is certainly true with resentment. The spiritual and emotional costs – even the health costs – of resentment are far worse than is commonly realized, and people enslaved by bitterness typically greatly underestimate the joys and rich rewards of a resentment-free life. There is a more pressing reason, however. It is as if we ourselves owe far more money than is owed to us and our willingness to write off the debt owed to us will inspire our creditors to do the same with our debt. Jesus taught that if, for argument’s sake, we think of the person who has wronged us as being $100,000 in our debt, we owe our creditor (God) $50 billion. (It’s mind-boggling to think the magnitude of our offense against God is of that order, relative to how much we have been hurt, and yet that is the proportion that the world’s greatest Teacher used. An unwillingness on our behalf to write off the debt owed to us, emphasized Jesus, would undermine the correctness of God’s decision to write off our $50 billion debt. The Judge would be compelled to revise his assessment. But it’s so hard . . . Those thugs violated not only Sue’s body but her spirit. It is as if they forced highly addictive pills down her throat. As awful as the physical violation was, it eventually came to an end, but the nagging itch of bitterness, the addiction to rage and the insatiable craving for revenge threatened to go on and on. As much as Sue longed to be free, and at times even thought she was free, those horrid feelings kept plaguing her. Like overcoming any addiction – alcoholism, smoking, drugs, or whatever – forgiveness is rarely an instantaneous victory. The gnawing ache returns. Especially in the initial stages, forgiving someone is often like dressing in freshly laundered clothes. Just hours later, the clothes begin to soil and before long they need washing again. But people don’t let this fact of life so discourage them that they languish in filthy clothes for the rest of their lives. They simply wash as often as needed and get on with life; fresh and clean and unashamed. Likewise, when negative feelings begin to surface, an abuse survivor just comes again to Jesus and lets him wash away those defiling thoughts. Whoever persistently looks to Jesus and keeps trying, wins. They break through to peace and healing and carry with them for the rest of their lives spiritual strength and Christlikeness far beyond anything they would have ever known had they had an easier life. In a later e-mail Sue wrote: I once again thanked the Lord for sparing my life. I prayed again for the salvation of my attackers and again forgave them in my heart. My plan is to do this daily for a while. A little later she wrote: Since you have heard what Satan did on the mission trip, it is only fitting that you hear about what the Lord has done. On the one day we had off on the mission (the day before I was raped) I traveled on a train with two friends. On the way home, four drunks tried to pick up my two friends (both happily married, thank you). Then one persistent man, a pub owner named Kevin, plopped himself down next to me and made the mistake of asking me what a nice girl from America was doing in his country. I told him about Jesus. For some unfathomable reason, I gave him my business card. When I returned to the U.S. he started phoning me, long-distance. What I had shared with him kept bothering him, he said, so he went to four different stores until he found a Bible. He then wanted to know which parts to read first. He kept calling (at 3 am and with a really hard-to-understand accent) and he kept reading. Eventually, Kevin committed his life to the Lord. He shared his experience with his three other drinking buddies from the train. They all committed their lives to the Lord as also did his wife. The most amazing thing about this is that through your prayers the Lord gave me the grace to keep sharing the Gospel message with Kevin on the phone, even after the rape, even in the middle of traumatic, sleepless nights, because God wanted to bless and transform Kevin, his family, and his friends. Kevin has now been baptized and shares – with great enthusiasm, no doubt – about Jesus with his very many acquaintances. What makes Sue tick? Sue knew she needed divine help to be freed from the stranglehold of anger and bitterness. She achieved because she both fought with all her strength and persistently called out to God for supernatural help. She understood that although anger was a natural reaction, it was only ruining her peace and spoiling her intimacy with the one Person who truly understood her pain and longed to comfort her. Sue was eternally thankful that God so loved her that he had allowed her to rage against him for so many years. That same God, she realized, likewise loved her rapists, even though their abominable treatment of her enraged and grieved him. The Lord longed to give them more chances to find God’s forgiveness, before it was eternally too late, just as he had spared Sue and given her more chances and just as he had done for the apostle Paul and countless others throughout history. She knew that Jesus let his own body be violated for her and that he would do anything to protect her if it were truly best for everyone directly and indirectly of all involved. But the Lord lovingly focuses on the eternal good of everyone, unlike a fallible human who would selfishly seek the short-term pleasure of his favorites. We often think if we were God we’d act differently to him. What we really mean, however, is that we would not act like God if we had his power, but still had our own selfishness, short-sightedness, limited intellect, and other flaws. If we were truly God – endowed with full knowledge of all the facts, knowing the intricate chains of events set off by every action, able to see the eternal picture including heaven and hell, had not a speck of hypocrisy and were perfect in justice and wisdom – we would make the same decisions that God does. More help with forgiveness Forgiving someone who has both hurt us deeply and doesn’t deserve forgiveness is an enormous challenge. It can be the spiritual equivalent of conquering Mt. Everest, not only in regard to difficulty, but in the great honor to the person who finally makes it to the top. The honor is largely reserved for the next life, of course, where people will better understand the enormity of your personal struggle, and where great honor can be bestowed without the danger of destroying the person through pride. If the person you forgive had afflicted you with shame, forgiving actually transforms that short-lived shame into endless glory. Since forgiveness really is a Mt. Everest, I long to give you all the support I possibly can. So here are some additional thoughts. Sue’s breakthrough came from praying for her rapists’ salvation. I suggested this to her partly because of the wonderful evangelist’s heart that she has, but this approach (or praying a blessing upon the person if he/she is already a Christian) works so powerfully because it begins to line our heart up with the heart of God. This invites the Lord to do what he has always longed to do – to use us as a connecting link between his love and the life of the person we are struggling to forgive. Once the link is established, God’s love will flow through us to the person. That flow of love through us brings us great healing. Here are two thoughts that make easier praying for the salvation of people who have hurt you. * Salvation involves a personality transformation so radical that they would be filled with regret for what they had done to you. In the case of Sue’s rapists, for instance, they would loathe themselves for all their previous offenses and for the rest of their existence they would long to be kind, gentle, and sexually pure. * A big factor in the conversion of the apostle Paul was most likely his role in stoning Stephen, the first Christian martyr, while Stephen prayed for the forgiveness of those killing him. Paul went on to become the person who, next to Jesus, has probably been used to spiritually help more people than any other human being. Who knows how much poorer today’s church might be had Stephen harbored bitterness in his heart and not interceded on behalf of those participating in his murder? Connie, who, as mentioned earlier has suffered enormously because of childhood sexual abuse, draws on her deep personal experience to share some valuable thoughts: Forgiveness does more for the person offering forgiveness than it does for the person needing forgiveness. Until I decide to forgive, I cannot get rid of the hatred and anger that inflames my pain. Forgiveness does not mean I will never hurt again over what was done to me. Abuse is always wrong and damaging. But with forgiveness comes a lessening of the pain. Forgiveness will not make me forget what happened. We cannot literally forgive and forget. But forgiveness allows us to go on with life and not be held captive by the memories and feelings associated with the abuse. I do not have the ability to forgive the great injustice done to me, but God has the ability I need. My part is to be willing to forgive. I tell God I am choosing to forgive and to be obedient to the wisdom of his Word which tells me to forgive those who spitefully use me. As I share with him my pain and fear and anger and ask him to take it away, the forgiving process begins. I call it a process because there is still much healing to be done within me before I get to the place where I feel and know in my heart that I have truly forgiven my offender. God understands your pain. He is patient. He longs to heal you, but your forgiving is an inseparable part of the process. As you reach out the tiny bit that you can toward forgiving, God will heal you the little that your tiny move allows. That small healing then enables you to reach a little further toward forgiveness, which will result in more healing. Unless at some point you put the brakes on, this cycle will go on and on until your healing is complete. Finale What God has done in Sue’s life from the time she finally opened up to him is so wonderful that she counted it worth while traveling half way around the world at her own expense and being raped by two thugs, if through that others might have the spiritual experience that transformed her own life. You, too, can have such a thrilling, satisfying relationship with God, that it makes the costliest sacrifice shrivel to almost nothing. Related Page: Where was God When You suffered Unspeakable Horrors? Support in breaking blockages that hinder healing Bookmark, or note the address of this webpage. These links are so important that you will want to keep returning until you have visited them all. Recovery from Sexual Abuse Supernatural Solutions Many topics covered. “I had always thought it was my fault!” It is common for people to wrongly be convinced that they were to blame for being molested as a child. The more certain you are that it was your fault, the more you need to read Why children mistakenly believe they have “seduced” sex offenders. The Dilemma of Feeling Pleasure When Abused So powerful is sex that it is almost inevitable that any sexual encounter – no matter how despised and unwanted – will contain elements of pleasure and deep bonding. In an unwanted encounter, these are highly obnoxious consequences of sex but they are such an integral part of sex that they are almost impossible to completely remove from forced sex. This fact is so rarely understood that sex crime victims usually end up loathing themselves or at least being confused and deeply disturbed over what is just a normal reaction to unwanted sex. Vast numbers of abuse survivors know from bitter experience that pleasure inflicted by a sexual predator can be more damaging than severe physical pain. Some survivors, however, have experiences so different that they find this incomprehensible or even offensive. Experiences differ for the simple reason that abusers differ in their techniques. If predators are sufficiently skilled, the pleasure they inflict will be sexual. Otherwise – in the case of pedophiles – the pleasure their victims feel will be the gifts they bribe children with or the attention they give love-starved children. Rapists can even force unwilling adult victims to experience sexual pleasure. This very pleasure inflicts horrific, but quite unnecessary, pangs of guilt. A degree of pleasure or bonding in no way justifies the offender, nor in any way hints that the victim might be perverted or immoral. The memory of pleasure suffered (yes, “suffered” is the right word) during abuse might currently be suppressed but it could surface at any time. So it is good to prepare oneself by learning about this rarely understood consequence of unwanted sex. More about this vital, frequently misunderstood subject Vent your Anger What the person who hurt you deserves. The execution of justice on your behalf. Turn hate into healing. A moving, enlightening and therapeutic experience that could forever change your life. Sweet revenge! Discovering that you don’t hate God after all In your pain it was natural for you to lash out at the hideous, unfeeling monster you supposed was God. The God you thought you hated is just a figment of your tormented imagination. It’s time you met the real God – your Healer. Just as there are things about its loving mother that a tiny child cannot comprehend, mysteries remain when we try to understand the infinitely superior mind of God. Nevertheless, the following webpages will help. Where was God when you suffered unspeakable horrors? Why would a God of love allow suffering? God’s plans for you are comforting, not fearful Life’s Mysteries Explained Discovering God’s love for you Tragically, so many people bungle through life living shallow, wasted lives. Through Jesus we can leave behind a meaningless life of selfishness headed for endless regret. We can choose a life in which every second counts for all eternity, achieving the highest good in union with the God who made you and loves you more than life itself. Life can be crammed with so many urgent things that we forget the really important ones. Don’t let this wonderful opportunity slip from your grasp. Make life’s most important issue top priority. You Can Find Love: What your fantasies reveal A most significant webpage The key to supernatural healing Why Christ’s suffering can change your life. God as Mother Feminine aspects of God. Healing for those whose father let them down. You are loved When you can’t feel God’s love Healing from abuse The Path to Healing A brief and most helpful overview of the steps to full healing from the devastation of abuse. Release from blaming yourself Handling guilt is the first of many helpful and encouraging webpages about overcoming guilt feelings. Follow the links. Overcoming feelings of worthlessness To God, you are special Power to escape the trap of bitterness Should you forgive your abuser? This most serious, often misunderstood, issue is carefully examined in two special webpages listed below. It is vital for your healing that you read them. So much hinges on this delicate matter. I am convinced that just as martyrs are especially honored in heaven, so are those who have suffered greatly and yet have forgiven. Forgiving others is tough. It is so critical to our own emotional and spiritual well being that our spiritual enemy strongly attacks us on this issue. Nevertheless, divine help is available. People suffering great difficulty in forgiving others usually have as the basis of their agony the (sometimes subconscious) pain of having great difficulty forgiving themselves. The two sides of forgiveness – forgiving yourself and forgiving others – rise or fall together. Many people raging against someone else's guilt are pressured by a subconscious urge to keep suppressed the tortured screams of their own conscience. Peace soothes our troubled mind when we dwell on the extent of the forgiveness and purity that we have in Christ. When we realize how much God has forgiven us, it becomes easier to act more Godlike and have that same forgiving attitude toward ourselves and others. For this reason, I recommend beginning with the webpages about handling guilt. Breaking the stranglehold of bitterness: Unforgivable! Lord, make him regret what he did to me! Why Me? Tragically, sexual abuse increases one's vulnerability to more abuse. The following links explore reasons for this. Why abuse survivors attract the wrong sort of people Predators hunt the wounded Why bad things keep happening to some people Overcoming destructive thinking Whether it be the desire to hurt yourself, or to hate yourself, or to hate others, it is a temptation. Becoming a Winner! begins a series of webpages about overcoming temptation. Follow the links.

Surprising Biblical Insights A Man’s Man, the Bible Way For husbands: getting your Christian wife to submit and obey For single women: vital help in choosing a godly husband Special Note to Women This webpage is for men. Surveys indicate, however, that material written for husbands is usually read by even more women than men. I plead with married women not to read this because they have already made their life choice. For a wife to read further could cause dissatisfaction with her husband and therefore weaken her marriage. Should a wife ignore this warning and continue reading, I cannot be held responsible for any pain, frustration or temptation that result. Unmarried women, however, can benefit from this webpage, as it will help them know what qualities to look for when considering marrying a man. But it should be read only by unmarried women who intend their wedding vows to include obedience to their husband. If there is one thing Jesus railed against, it was hypocrisy, and for anyone refusing to live by biblical standards to expect her husband to live by biblical standards is hypocrisy in all its ugliness. The Extraordinary Power of Husbands Over many years, hundreds of people have confidentially bared their hearts to me. Throughout this time I have found myself repeatedly flabbergasted by the astounding power of ordinary husbands and fathers to mold, almost in concrete, their loved ones’ conception of God. They achieve this not by theological dissertation, but solely by the way they exercise their God-given authority over their loved ones. I keep trying everything I can to help people whose spiritual lives have been crippled by inadequate men. “God is not like that man!” I desperately plead, almost to the point of uprooting my hair, “The Lord is altogether different. God is trustworthy. You’re so special to him.” But most of my words bounce off the concrete poured by a solitary, apparently insignificant man, whom they call husband or father. I know a widow in her sixties. For nearly forty years her husband treated her selfishly and unlovingly, although he probably saw himself as a normal, considerate husband. Even though this woman had known the Lord throughout all the time of her marriage, her relationship with God is tragically hindered to this very day as she wrestles deep feelings that God must be like her cold-hearted husband. This is an intelligent, mature woman, who rightly prides herself in being a woman of the Bible. And yet – as frustratingly irrational as it seems, and as much as she wants to be freed from the illusion – the ungodly way her husband used his God-given headship, often shouts louder in her heart than the words of Scripture declaring the nature of God. Her husband is now dead. He made no pretense of being a Christian. He abused his authority only a little. And yet sometimes the accumulation of incalculable thousands of hours of preaching and theological study are unable to withstand the impact of one ordinary man – now dead – who seldom even mentioned God. A husband or father who does not exercise headship in a kind, gentle, selfless manner, slanders God and jeopardizes not just his own eternity, but the eternities of those closest to him. It is hard to measure the ramifications of the way a man uses his headship. The following might provide an inkling of the vital role of men in the home. Preliminary research suggests boys from a fatherless home are: * 5 times more likely to commit suicide * 9 times more likely to drop out of high school * 20 times more likely to end up in jail Girls brought up in one parent homes are: * 2.5 times more likely to get pregnant than teenagers from two parent families The Importance of Fathers Boys from a fatherless home are: * 14 times more likely to commit rape * 10 times more likely to abuse chemicals 85% of all children who exhibit behavioral disorders are from fatherless homes. 90% of homeless and runaway children are from fatherless homes. 71% of high school dropouts come from fatherless homes. 63% of youth suicides are from fatherless homes. 85% of all youths in prison come from fatherless homes. Nearly 75% of children living in one parent families will experience poverty before they turn eleven, compared with 20% of two parent families. Children from single parent families suffer more psychiatric illness. These figures await further verification from future research. They need have only a grain of truth in them, however, to be highly disturbing. (Source: Rex McCann On their own: Boys growing up underfathered Finch Publishing, Sydney, 2000, page 47, 48) Fooled! Imagine growing up in a jungle tribe of headhunters in which you and everyone you have ever met firmly believe that one’s masculinity is affirmed by murdering innocents. The more human heads in your collection of personal kills, the bigger the man you are. Only weak, effeminate, no-hopers would pass up an opportunity to murder a vulnerable person. With this background, if you became a Christian, you would face nothing short of an identity crisis. To stop headhunting would be as devastating to your manhood and self-image as for a normal man in our society to start wearing high heels and dresses in public. Even though after your encounter with God you realize that it is morally right not to murder, you would be repeatedly assaulted by self-accusations of being weak and effeminate if you stop murdering innocents. Each man’s conception of masculinity is a very deep part of his identity, built into him by his upbringing. To tamper with it could make breaking and re-setting one’s bones seem like fun. Our dilemma is that our own society is as far from God’s ways as a tribe of headhunters. Because it is the society we have grown up in, however, we have absorbed its values into our personalities as surely as food becomes a part of our bodies. Much of our society has indoctrinated us to equate masculinity with stubborn selfishness and inflicting emotional pressure upon those we love. So strong and unconscious is the worldly indoctrination we have suffered, that we are usually unaware when we are twisting the Bible to force it to conform with modern society’s godless presumptions. The world is so perverse that Jesus had to say even of his own highly devout society, “For that which is exalted among men is an abomination in the sight of God” (Luke 16:15). And the Lord Almighty said: Isaiah 66:2 . . . to this man will I look, even to he who is poor and of a contrite spirit, and who trembles at my word. That might describe David the giant-killer, but not some modern day Rambo. Most people in our society presume that no one can be a real man if he excels in qualities that the Almighty highly prizes, such as gentleness, patience, kindness and humility, not to mention sexual purity. One scrambles to the top of the heap by being a beer-swilling, self-serving loudmouth who incites lust in women and envy in men. Can you see how our society is as spiritually primitive as a tribe of savages? We must let Christ rise up within us and boldly defy the perverse notions of manhood thrust upon us from our most impressionable years. I grew up believing a real man never cries and that Jesus was the perfect Man. Since Jesus openly cried, one of those beliefs had to go, and yet I wanted desperately to cling to both beliefs. Even after decades of trying to reshape my thinking I’m not totally free from my childhood presumptions. Shedding tears is inconsequential. Christian men in our society, however, typically face similar conflict over far more serious matters. A man’s man is not someone who can handle emotional and physical pain without crying, but someone who can handle it without anger or violence or defeatism. To control tears is only a selfish attempt to save face. To control anger, however, is to exercise true authority, allowing us to fulfill our protective role by making those around us feel more secure. Men rarely realize how unsettling or even terrifying it is for family members to live with a man who is given to outbursts of anger, even if the anger is never directed at family members. Ironically, what makes loved ones feel secure and protected is not a man’s physical strength, but his strength of character. Proverbs 16:32 One who is slow to anger is better than the mighty; one who rules his spirit, than he who takes a city. We have been brainwashed into using as measures of masculinity qualities that are the exact opposite of Christlikeness. To be Christlike is both to have great power and to voluntarily yield up that power to achieve eternal good. Philippians 2:5-8 Have this in your mind, which was also in Christ Jesus, who, existing in the form of God, didn’t consider equality with God a thing to be grasped, but emptied himself, taking the form of a servant, being made in the likeness of men. And being found in human form, he humbled himself, becoming obedient to death, yes, the death of the cross. To drive home the unbreakable connection between great husbands and humble, selfless Christlikeness, in the very passage where husbands are told they are the head of their wives, just as Christ is head, husbands are commanded to love their wives “just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her . . .” (NIV, Ephesians 5:25). In ancient times thousands of men were crucified and yet made no impact on the world. What makes Christ so special is that he had the power to make his enemies grovel at his feet, and still he chose sacrificial love. He did nothing out of powerlessness; everything out of love. His power was absolute, but his glory was his ability to restrain that power. Today, many see Christ’s restraint and think him weak. One day, however, all will be revealed and his glory will be acclaimed for all eternity. If someone needy overpowers you and robs you of a large sum of money, that is your shame. But if, moved by love, you give needy people a large sum, it is your glory. Likewise, if a wife obtains something from her husband by overpowering or outsmarting him, it is that man’s shame. If, however, out of Christlike wisdom and love, a man gives his wife that same thing, it is to his eternal glory. We can easily confuse praise-worthy acts with weakness because the results can look the same. But to God, who sees the heart, weakness and Christlikeness are an eternity apart. One day, promises the Almighty, the secrets of the heart will be exposed. Then everyone will see our shame or our glory. The Ideal Wife One of the most powerful forces pushing humanity forward is that good fathers fearlessly and valiantly strive not only to achieve but for their own achievements to be eclipsed by those of their children. They passionately want their children to end up better educated and more prosperous and successful than they themselves were. This is the glory of fatherhood and highlights the selfless courage of genuine love. So if you truly love your wife – and to do so is a divine requirement – you will not only refuse to put her down or hold her back, you will long to empower her to thrive in every area of life. And any way in which she surpasses you will make you proud. I’m sure you’ve read about the Bible’s ideal wife but please look at it with fresh eyes: Proverbs 31:11, 14, 16-18, 24-26, 28-29, 31 The heart of her husband trusts in her. . . . She is like the merchant ships. She brings her bread from afar. . . . She considers a field, and buys it. With the fruit of her hands, she plants a vineyard. She arms her waist with strength, and makes her arms strong. [Note: even her physical strength is valued.] She perceives that her merchandise is profitable. . . . She makes linen garments and sells them, and delivers sashes to the merchant. Strength and dignity are her clothing. . . . She opens her mouth with wisdom. Faithful instruction is on her tongue. . . . Her children rise up and call her blessed. Her husband also praises her: “Many women do noble things, but you excel them all.” . . . Give her of the fruit of her hands! Let her works praise her in the gates! . . . This is one highly capable woman! Her husband esteems her intellect, talents, economic prowess and even her physical strength. Such is his faith in her that he even lets her buy property! You might lament that your wife is not as capable as this amazing woman, but if you don’t see your wife as having that potential, your very perception is most likely what is keeping her from achieving it. The mother of your children needs you to believe in her. No one has the power to shape her destiny like you have. Like the lover in the Song of Solomon, we see in the above Scripture that the husband of the ideal wife richly praises her. He exalts her, both with his actions (by entrusting her with great responsibilities) and with his words. Don’t wait until she does something exceptional; find things right now to praise her. As it says in an omitted part of the above passage, “ . . . a woman who fears the Lord, she shall be praised” (verse 30). Use your words to build her up. Do all you can to inspire her to new heights. What happens to the man who dares do this? Is he despised, neglected or left behind? Proverbs 31:23 Her husband is respected in the gates, when he sits among the elders of the land. Nevertheless, a real man should be so filled with genuine love (not soppy romantic fiction, but the Christlike love that brings eternal fulfillment) that what he gets out of it means nothing to him, relative to the joy of seeing his wife honored and fulfilled. One day you will have to stand before the Judge and give account of whether you achieved this. You have seen proud fathers. God longs to see more proud husbands – men who facilitate and delight in their wife’s achievements. A Forgotten Role of the Head There is no doubt that headship implies leadership. We will expound this later. More than leadership is involved, however, and discovering this will help us understand the type of leadership expected of husbands. We do not need modern discoveries to know that no baby or child could grow if it were severed from its head. Science reveals that there is more to this than the obvious fact that anyone without a head would be dead. For example, growth hormones are produced by the brain and, like many hormones, these hormones critical for growth are secreted into the blood in a manner controlled by the brain. For accurate interpretation of centuries-old documents, however, it is not enough to apply modern understanding to ancient texts. Did the inspired writers of Scripture think of the head as the source of growth? They did indeed: Colossians 2:19 . . . the Head, from whom all the body . . . grows . . . Ephesians 4:15-16 . . . we will grow to become in every respect the mature body of him who is the head, that is, Christ. From him the whole body . . . grows and builds itself up in love . . . (NIV) I will not get side-tracked into explaining the principles of accurate Bible interpretation but the above quotes are powerfully relevant because they not only reveal how a contemporary of the writer viewed the function of the head, the quotes are actually from the very same author – in fact, I’ve included a quote from the very same letter – as the one calling husbands the head of their wives. And even more pertinent is that both these quotes refer specifically to the relationship between Jesus and the church. Remember that Paul wrote: Ephesians 5:23 For the husband is the head of the wife, and Christ also is the head of the assembly, being himself the savior of the body . (Emphasis mine.) Clearly, regardless of whether we would have thought of it, in the mind of the divinely moved writer, a major function of the head is to facilitate growth. To be the fully functioning head of your wife you must be continuously promoting and nurturing her spiritual, emotional, and intellectual development, enabling her to keep rising to new heights. If you are the head, what are you continually doing to promote your wife’s growth as a person? True Leadership Marriage is all about two people becoming one. How can any man claim to be living in this realm if he enjoys winning an argument with his wife? How can anyone win at the expense of the person he is one with? Being one flesh means, “When one member suffers, all the members suffer with it. Or when one member is honored, all the members rejoice with it” (1 Corinthians 12:26). True love delights in the success and achievements of the beloved. Andrew Carnegie (1835–1919) started working for two cents an hour and ended up giving away $365 million. His leadership ability was the key to his astounding success. Before he died he ensured his tombstone read: Here lies one who knew how to gather around him men who were cleverer than himself True leadership is not about big-mouthing oneself or suppressing people. True leadership is about bringing the best out of people and seeing them soar to their full potential. Weak men are too scared to accept this challenge. They quake before the words of Richard Bach: If you love something, set it free; if it comes back it’s yours, if it doesn’t, it never was. Weak men are so insecure that they think the only way they can gain their wives’ respect or prevent them from leaving is by shattering their self-esteem by verbal abuse, put downs and restricting their freedom. This is a key method abusers use, whether it be wife bashers or child abusers or hypocrites who think themselves better than such people and yet ruin their women by keeping them from being the achievers God created them to be. Which is the higher glory: to be the leader of elite soldiers or to be followed by those who feel defeated? Who is greater: the man confident of winning the love and admiration of an intelligent, high achiever, or the coward who thinks his only chance is to crush his wife’s self-esteem or keep her from advancing? And what does God expect of you? Philippians 2:3 doing nothing through rivalry or through conceit, but in humility, each counting others better than himself. Husband, you were born for greatness – to be the head of an astounding woman. Rise to your calling. Authority The authority of husbands is not the apostle Paul’s invention. It is God’s decision, and it is taught in the Old Testament (eg Numbers 30) as well as by Peter (1 Peter 3:1-6). Even Revelation refers to the church as Christ’s bride, thus implying the relationship between a husband and wife is like that between the Lord and his church. There is no escaping it: husbands and fathers have authority, but most Christians have an anti-Christian understanding of authority. Matthew 20:25-28 But Jesus summoned them, and said, “You know that the rulers of the nations lord it over them, and their great ones exercise authority over them. It shall not be so among you, but whoever desires to become great among you shall be your servant. Whoever desires to be first among you shall be your bondservant, even as the Son of Man came not to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many.” The greater your authority, the greater your accountability before the Almighty who gave you that authority. James highlights this principle when discussing becoming a teacher. James 3:1 Let not many of you be teachers, my brothers, knowing that we will receive heavier judgment. Remember the widow I mentioned earlier: there were times when all the preachers and teachers and authors impacting her life could not outweigh the negative effect of her very ordinary, now deceased, husband. What grave responsibility is entrusted to husbands! It is currently fashionable in Christian circles to have an unbiblical view of God, thinking that since we can call the Almighty our Father, we can get away with sin. Prayerfully, our eyes will be opened before we pay too high a price for our foolishness: 1 Peter 1:17 If you call on him as Father, who without respect of persons judges according to each man’s work , pass the time of your living as foreigners here in reverent fear (Emphasis mine.) Like Father God, to be a real man is to be impartial, and no one can be impartial if he is swayed by the barest hint of selfishness. Your Magnificent Wife Genesis 2:18-20 The Lord God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make him a helper comparable to him.” Out of the ground the Lord God formed every animal of the field, and every bird of the sky, and brought them to the man to see what he would call them. Whatever the man called every living creature became its name. The man gave names to all livestock, and to the birds of the sky, and to every animal of the field; but for man there was not found a helper comparable to him. To become aware of his need of a helper, God had Adam examine the animal world. When, for example, birds pair off, the female role is not to pander to the male’s whims but to play an essential role in the fulfilling of their joint, divinely-appointed task to be fruitful and multiply. So it is with wives: their divinely intended focus is not the meeting of their husband’s personal desires but a task so noble that it is bigger than both of them – the fulfillment of the couple’s divinely-appointed assignments. Someone limited to English, unable to access God’s Word in its initial form, might be excused for supposing that the term “helper” could apply to a servant and/or menial tasks. The reality is very different. Never in the Bible does the Hebrew word here translated “helper” imply servitude. It is term for a savior/deliverer. It is such a strong word that it is used almost exclusively of God as man’s helper. For example: Exodus 18:4 . . . “My father’s God was my help and delivered me from Pharaoh’s sword.” Psalms 33:20 Our soul has waited for the Lord. He is our help and our shield. Psalms 70:5 But I am poor and needy. Come to me quickly, God. You are my help and my deliverer. Lord, don’t delay. Psalms 121:2 My help comes from the Lord, who made heaven and earth. (Emphasis mine.) This strongly implies a wife is like God to her husband. Of course, she does not in any way replace God, but by giving a woman the status of her husband’s helper/deliverer, he is assigning her a Godlike role in his life. As seen in our need of God, our need of a helper implies our weakness, not our right to lord it over the one on whom we depend. Divinely entrusted to you is not a mere trillion dollars, nor the world’s most sophisticated computer, but a human being – the crown of creation, the focus of the infinite love of the crucified Lord of glory. You married and are divinely accountable for not a hollowed-out shell, but a full woman. You are responsible not just for her sexual fulfillment but for her emotional fulfillment. Tragically, modern men tend to be shallow. The “strong, silent type” usually has serious hang-ups that he is too much of a wimp to even face. Thinking that ignoring a problem is a sign of strength is like someone with a life-threatening cancer acting too stupidly “macho” to have the sense to see a doctor before his stubbornness kills him. If you choose to ruin your life by refusing to talk about problems, that is serious enough, but you will be held doubly accountable if you bring down your wife by not encouraging her to share her heart with you. You were not born to be gummed up, nor born again to be stony hearted; your divine destiny is to: Romans 12:15 Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep. (RSV) It is devastating when a man marries, expecting to find sexual fulfillment and receives frustratingly little. It is devastating for a woman to marry, expecting companionship and emotional connection only to end up receiving precious little. The Pinnacle of Manhood To achieve the pinnacle of manhood is to be the person your magnificent wife instinctively runs to whenever something emotionally significant happens to her – when she is frightened, depressed, or elated; whenever she wants comfort, reassurance, understanding, a listening ear; someone deeply moved by her pain and her joys. Are you the one your wife turns to when she wants an opinion about something important to her, even if it is a dress or hairstyle? (Remember, you chose to become one with a woman.) Times with the potential for deepest bonding between a man and his wife tend to be the very times weak men shrink from. They are often times when your wife’s mouth is bursting with ten million words and your head is bursting after hearing the first hundred. A real man boldly moves out of his comfort zone to provide strength, support and encouragement to his life-partner. Robert bared his heart to me and has kindly permitted me to share his story with you. He admitted that marriage had been a disappointment to him. In addition to other trials, his wife suffered serious mental afflictions. He told me, “I had often felt as I tried to move forward or excel in my work and with my walk with the Lord, [but] it was like I was climbing a vertical ladder and my family, (particularly my wife) was pulling me down.” Things grew so bad that Robert sought the help of a Christian counselor who was not content to rely on human wisdom but sought God’s mind on the matter. The Lord revealed that Robert could easily make it up the ladder by himself, but he was to stop and pull his family up. “That hit me like when the prophet Nathan told King David, ‘You are that man!’ ” [2 Samuel 12] said Robert, “I have not been the priest of the home and the loving husband that I should have been for most of my 26 years of marriage.” A Perk or a Grave Responsibility? In marriage, the Lord has made husbands responsible not merely for a highly complex being who will live for all eternity after their fleshly union ends, but responsible for the physical, intellectual, sexual, emotional, and spiritual well-being of God’s very own daughter. One might rise to having influence over millions of people, and yet it will still not equal the influence a husband has over his wife. To be entrusted with the well-being of God’s own daughter is nothing short of a holy and fearful responsibility. Some poor men might think they have a “mother-in-law from hell” but it is far more disturbing to have a Father-in-law from heaven. The Almighty Lord is as fiercely protective of your wife’s self-esteem, achievements, personal growth and spiritual and emotional fulfillment as the most devoted father would feel toward a young and cherished daughter. She is the apple of the Father’s eye. Not only is Father God intensely concerned for his darling daughter; he never lets her out of his sight. You never see the Father, but he sees you. You may forget he is there. He never forgets. It would be a grave mistake to misinterpret the fact that the Almighty’s anger is seldom displayed instantly. As the eternal, all-seeing Judge, God holds all the aces. It seems that for almost a year, King David thought he had got away with his sin. Only after Bathsheba’s baby was born did he first learn of God’s judgment. Years later, he was still suffering the consequences (2 Samuel 11:26 – 12:14). The frightening thing is that God lets us get away with things – for a season. He gives us time to repent, then suddenly time and mercy are no more. In parable after parable, Jesus warned about the many who would think everything is going well, only to be shocked and utterly devastated at judgment time. They mistook God’s temporary restraint for his eternal acceptance. Romans 2:4-6 Or do you despise the riches of his goodness, forbearance, and patience, not knowing that the goodness of God leads you to repentance? But according to your hardness and unrepentant heart you are treasuring up for yourself wrath in the day of wrath, revelation, and of the righteous judgment of God; who “will pay back to everyone according to their works:” Hebrews 10:30-31 For we know him who said, “Vengeance belongs to me,” says the Lord, “I will repay.” Again, “The Lord will judge his people.” It is a fearful thing to fall into the hands of the living God. The Old Testament, taught the apostle Paul, was divinely penned to warn us who live under the New Covenant. (Scripture) One of the concepts the Old Testament tries hard to impart is that to violate something holy is to call down the fearsome wrath of God. Your wife is holy. Her body is the sanctuary of the Holy Spirit. The word chosen to convey this truth in the original text (1 Corinthians 6:19) is often used to specify the inner, holier part of the temple, rather than the temple as a whole. In fact, it is appropriate to think in terms of the holiest object in ancient Israel, the Ark of the Covenant, since the fearsome power of the Holy Lord has taken up residence in your wife’s very body. We are not discussing ritualistic or theoretical holiness: the terrifying truth is that the Holy Spirit of almighty God literally resides within your Christian wife’s body. Most of us have totally missed the implications. Better to play with a nuclear reactor than tamper with something made holy by the actual presence of the King of the universe. You need to treat your wife with almost the caution with which Old Testament saints had to treat the ark. Seventy treated the ark casually. They were struck dead. Later, another touched it as he would a mere precious object. He died. (Scriptures) When God struck Uzzah dead for touching the Ark, Scripture says, “David was afraid of the Lord that day” (2 Samuel 6:9). Such fear is the beginning of wisdom (Proverbs 1:7). If few of us have this fear of sinning against God, it is not because we live in the age of grace, but because we barely know the God of the New Testament; the God who in Acts struck Ananias and Sapphira dead, killed Herod for his pride, and blinded Elymas for opposing Paul; the God of the Corinthian believers who were afflicted, or even killed, for the flippant way they treated holy communion; the God into whose hands, warns Hebrews, it is a fearful thing to fall; the God whom Jesus said is the one Person in the universe to fear because he alone can destroy body and soul in hell. Husbands have been given significant authority, but to whom much is given, much is required (Luke 12:48). God will hold us accountable for how we use what he has given us, so we dare not have a mistaken view of why that authority was entrusted to us. 2 Corinthians 10:8 . . . concerning our authority, (which the Lord gave for building you up, and not for casting you down) I will not be disappointed 2 Corinthians 13:10 . . . the authority which the Lord gave me for building up, and not for tearing down. 2 Corinthians 1:24 Not that we control your faith, but are fellow workers with you for your joy. . . . When, in Ephesians and Colossians, Scripture speaks of wives submitting to their husbands it is in the context of the requirement for husbands to love their wives. Let’s remind ourselves of what the Bible is getting at. Read this carefully: 1 Corinthians 13:4-5 Love is patient and is kind; love doesn’t envy. Love doesn’t brag, is not proud, doesn’t behave itself inappropriately, doesn’t seek its own way, is not provoked, takes no account of evil 1 Corinthians 8:1 . . . Knowledge puffs up, but love builds up. That first passage is so important that I would like you to read it in the Revised Standard Version: 1 Corinthians 13:4-5 Love is patient and kind; love is not jealous or boastful; it is not arrogant or rude. Love does not insist on its own way ; it is not irritable or resentful (Emphasis mine.) Husbands are made head of their wives not to be served but to serve. Mark 10:45 For the Son of Man also came not to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many. We should also note that this authority does not negate Scripture insisting that in many ways the wife has equal rights to her husband. For example, Peter commands husbands to treat their wives, as “joint heirs of the grace of life” (1 Peter 3:7). The apostle Paul puts this spiritual equality even more powerfully: Galatians 3:28 There is neither . . . male nor female; for you are all one in Christ Jesus. And the great apostle takes this gender equality beyond the purely spiritual to many aspects of marital roles. Note how precisely equal Paul makes husbands and wives in the following: 1 Corinthians 7:3 Let the husband render to his wife the affection owed her, and likewise also the wife to her husband. The wife doesn’t have authority over her own body, but the husband. Likewise also the husband doesn’t have authority over his own body, but the wife. Don’t deprive one another, unless it is by consent . . . (Emphasis mine.) Scripture is emphatic that wives should submit to husbands, but we have just quoted Paul, the one we cite when saying wives should submit to husbands. In the above he speaks of the necessity of “consent” (verse 5) and both here and elsewhere he speaks in precisely equal ways of both husbands and wives. So if the above Scripture, speaking of equal rights in marriage, seems to clash with the concept of husbands being the head, it shows we have a mistaken conception of what God means by headship. This same apostle says that not just wives but all Christians are called to submit to one another and to serve one another: Ephesians 5:21 subjecting yourselves to one another in the fear of Christ. Galatians 5:13 . . . through love be servants to one another. The Head We have seen that Scripture pronounces a husband and wife to be one flesh, with the husband being like the head and the wife like the body. The head is utterly dependent upon the body, and the body upon the head. In the Bible’s words: 1 Corinthians 11:11 . . . neither is the woman independent of the man, nor the man independent of the woman, in the Lord. The head pampers its body, meeting not only all its needs, but attending to its slightest wish. If the body has as much as an itch, the head immediately responds. If the body has the slightest hunger, the head ensures it is filled, not just with bread and water, but usually with the exact morsel the body desires. On very rare occasions, your body might want food and your head after careful consideration says, “No, we should fast to draw closer to God.” But your head is most reluctant to make such a decision and if it proceeds it is constantly aware of the body’s discomfort, and your head longs for the fast to end quickly for the body’s sake. Paul specifically states that this is the tender relationship he had in mind when affirming that the husband is the head of the wife (Ephesians 5:23). Just after declaring the headship of husbands he continues, “For no man ever hated his own flesh; but nourishes and cherishes it . . .” (verse 29). How to Lead Forget heathen methods, the Christian way to lead is by example. Christ, of course, lived as our example. And, following Christ’s example, the original church leaders led that way. “Be imitators of me, even as I also am of Christ” wrote Paul (1 Corinthians 11:1). Under the inspiration of the Spirit, another leader (Peter) said leaders should be “. . . neither as lording it over those entrusted to you, but making yourselves examples to the flock” (1 Peter 5:3) 1 Corinthians 4:16 I beg you therefore, be imitators of me. Philippians 3:17 Brothers, be imitators together of me, and note those who walk this way, even as you have us for an example. 1 Thessalonians 1:6 You became imitators of us, and of the Lord, having received the word in much affliction, with joy of the Holy Spirit 2 Thessalonians 3:9 not because we don’t have the right, but to make ourselves an example to you, that you should imitate us. Hebrews 13:7 Remember your leaders, men who spoke to you the word of God, and considering the results of their conduct, imitate their faith. So the Bible – the very book that pronounces a husband as head of his wife – affirms that the way to lead – exercise headship – is by example. This means husbands lead their wives into submission by the way husbands themselves submit to authority and even by the way they submit to their own wives. Scripture says all of us should submit to government authorities, (Romans 13:1,5; 1 Peter 2:13) employers, (Ephesians 6:5-7) church leaders, (1 Corinthians 16:16: Hebrew 13:17) and to each other (Ephesians 5:21). When no one is looking, do you obey directives that you regard as petty, annoying and inconvenient? People often think they are in submission when they are merely in agreement. They do what a leader says because they agree with their leader’s decisions. Submission comes into play only when you strongly disagree with a decision, or it is something you naturally recoil from. Authority Comes From Submission Jesus spoke to a storm and a tree. Both obeyed. He walked on water, rode an unbroken donkey, and commanded fish to enter a net. As the sinless Son of Man, Christ was exercising the authority over nature that humans had prior to Adam’s fall, when they were in sinless submission to the Lord (Hebrew 2:6-9). Now, corrupted by sin, humanity has lost its ability to rule nature by divine authority. So humanity has had to try to dominate nature. We hail humanity’s achievements in forcing nature to submit, and yet the result is that earth’s ecology is in a mess. Likewise, despite any outward facade of success, your wife and marriage will be in a mess to the extent to which you rule her by dominating her, rather than by God-given authority. And your degree of God-given authority hinges on your own love and submission, just as the perfection of Jesus’ authority over nature hinged on his perfect submission to Father God (John 5:19, 30). If a police officer is discovered breaking the law or failing to submit to his superiors, he will be suspended from the force and lose his authority. When his failure to submit renders him no longer part of the police chain of command, the only way he could get people to obey him would be through bluff, threats, or brute force. Likewise, a husband’s authority rests entirely upon his submission both to God – the ultimate authority – and to God’s delegated authorities. I don’t see myself as having a rebellious streak – not even in my teen years – but submission makes me squirm. If I don’t like being told what to do, I am without excuse if I fail to be exceptionally gentle and considerate in what I ask anyone else to do. The only God-given authority I have is the authority to lead by example. Once I expect anyone to submit to requests that I wouldn’t want to do – or would not obey if I thought the requests as petty or frustrating as the person thinks them – I have failed the law of love. I am not loving my neighbor as myself. In fact, I am in danger of exposing myself to the anger that Jesus reserved for hypocrites. If, by not exercising leadership as I would want others to lead me, I have broken God’s law – the law to treat others as I want them to treat me – and am no longer submitted to God, from whom my authority is derived. Like the suspended police officer referred to earlier, I would lose my authority. I could only rule by threats or brute force, harming those God appointed me to nurture and protect. The Weaker Vessel Authority has been divinely entrusted to you to empower you to serve your wife. Were you to misuse your power over her as an occasion to serve yourself, all of God’s plans and promised blessings for you would begin to crumble. For example, we all know how repeatedly and emphatically God has promised to answer prayer, and yet he says: 1 Peter 3:7-9 You husbands, in the same way, live with your wives according to knowledge, giving honor to the woman, as to the weaker vessel, as being also joint heirs of the grace of life; that your prayers may not be hindered . Finally, be all like-minded, compassionate, loving as brothers, tender hearted, courteous, not rendering evil for evil, or insult for insult; but instead blessing; knowing that to this were you called, that you may inherit a blessing. (Emphasis mine.) A sober study of this Scripture reveals that every husband is divinely required not merely to love his wives to the degree that he must love everyone on this planet (i.e. to love his neighbor as he loves himself – Mark 12:31) but to go beyond this with his wife; treating her even more thoughtfully and tenderly that he would treat himself. The Scripture goes on to reveal that if any husband fails to treat his wife as being more delicate than himself – i.e. needing to be treated with greater care, sensitivity, thoughtfulness and gentleness than he treats himself – the God who both made her and cares passionately for her, is so alarmed that the very core of the offending husband’s relationship with God – his prayer life – is at stake. There might be ways in which men are typically weaker than women. Physically, however, men are usually stronger than their wives, thus rendering their womenfolk vulnerable. This physical advantage must never be abused. Whatever edge either partner has, it must be used to serve – not put down – the other. That’s what love is all about, and God is all about love. So Scripture is clear: any failure to treat your wife as the more delicate one – deserving of more gentleness and consideration than you give yourself – threatens to sabotage your spiritual life. If a husband’s authority is God-given, for a man to abuse that authority is to defile a sacred trust. To take a holy thing and use it for our selfishness would be to set our lives on a collision course with our eternal Judge. Jesus warned that there would be many reversals in the age to come. Those who humble themselves will finally be exalted. Those who exalt themselves, will end up humiliated. You Can Never Relinquish Your Headship In his famous parable of the talents, Jesus gave profound insights into spiritual reality. Three servants were given authority over significant sums of money. For a long while they could get away with anything they wished. When the master suddenly returned, however, it became disturbingly clear that despite not intervening earlier, he remained vitally concerned about how the servants had treated what still belonged to him. He had given the unfaithful servant time to come to his senses, and to the faithful ones, time to multiply their reward. Suddenly their time was up. Even the servant that the master called wicked and lazy had been fearfully aware of his responsibility not to misuse anything entrusted to him. He incurred the master’s wrath simply by doing nothing. Imagine his fate had he used his authority for his own selfishness, such as spending the money to make his life more comfortable! The implications for husbands are obvious. Just as the wealth belonged to the master, wives are on divine loan. Any earthly authority given to us is not for the sake of that task alone, but to prove our suitability for much bigger tasks in the world to come. The faithful servants sacrificed their ease and comfort, pouring their effort into doing what was best for what the master had entrusted to their care. Even the “wicked, lazy” servant was smart enough to know that if he used for his own pleasure the authority given him, life would not be worth living upon the master’s return. After being placed in charge of something important to the master, there is no way to avoid accountability. Suppose the lazy servant had tried to relinquish his duties by handing investment decisions over to someone else. The master would still hold the servant responsible for any loss. Likewise, God has declared you head of your wife and there is no way of escaping accountability. If you let your wife make all the decisions, you have not diminished your accountability. The Lord will hold you responsible for what you let her do. In areas in which her judgment is better than yours, you will be praised for letting her decide. In areas where her decisions are poor, you will bear the blame. If, however, a wife refuses to do what a husband insists upon, she is then accountable to God for her rebellion and for the consequences, just as you will be held accountable for any refusal to submit to church or civil authorities God has placed over you. Culmination Should I tell someone, “Cut that woman’s heart open,” it makes all the difference in the world whether I am addressing a murderous thug or a heart surgeon. Likewise, it is critical for understanding the Bible’s instructions to husbands to grasp fully the implications that they are given to Christian husbands – to men have died to self. These directives are not entrusted to worldly leaders who “lord it over” others (Mark 10:42) but to men who are convinced that whoever would be greatest “shall be bondservant [slave] of all” (Mark 10:44). Had the instructions been given to carnal Christians or worldly men, the outworking would have been disturbingly different, but they are delivered instead to men who not only fully embrace Jesus’ teaching but are living as Christ, through the power of the Spirit. The divine requirement of every one of us is that we submit to each other, deny ourselves, and treat others as we would want them to treat us. Any husband using his authority as an excuse for disregarding these commands is hurtling toward a confrontation with his wife’s Avenger. The divine blessing upon the meek is unalterable. It is far better to be an oppressed wife during a long and miserable marriage than to be in the oppressor’s shoes on Judgment Day. Ephesians 5:25 Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the assembly, and gave himself up for it Christ yielded up his rights, seeking to serve, not be served. He humbled himself and took serving to the extreme of not merely being publicly humiliated, but suffering and dying for those he loved. That’s how to become the perfect man – fearlessly flying in the face of worldly ideals; having the power to dominate but by sheer mastery of oneself, choosing to serve and to build up, rather than making demands and tearing down; pursuing the other’s happiness, no matter how high the personal cost. There are men who by the majesty of their character command their wife’s respect and admiration, and there are lowlife who degrade themselves by supposing they must settle for the mock respect that might result from threats and bashing their wife’s self-esteem. A truly courageous, Godlike man refuses the cowardly way of crushing his wife’s personality and bullying her into submission. On the contrary, he is a leader’s leader who inspires love and devotion by his sheer nobility, integrity and selflessness. Just as there are those who refuse to honor God, a few women will fail to honor the Godlike man we have been describing. Most will. More importantly, however, a man of true dignity refuses to lower his standards if his wife lacks integrity, even as God remains perfect, no matter how low humanity sinks. Yes, you are called to be like God himself, but this is no idle dream. To be born anew means that spiritually we have God’s very genes. Husband, authority has been entrusted to you as an opportunity to learn Christlikeness. Use your authority as Christ showed us, and you will shine – forever. Related Pages A Second Look at Conjugal Rights Understanding Your Wife’s View Of Sex God’s View of Marriage Marriage Counseling? No Way! More about husbands as head of their wives How to Increase Your Wife’s Sexual Responsiveness

Spiritual Wilderness Survival Guide   Of all human experiences, having God in your life is potentially the most exciting, fulfilling and significant. Yet few, if any, of us are strangers to feeling deserted by God. We can feel empty and our every attempt to touch God can seem to end in stony silence or a divine scowl.   Feeling cut off from God is sometimes nothing but a clever illusion instigated by our spiritual enemy, the diabolically cunning, supernatural Deceiver. Sometimes, however, it indicates a serious spiritual problem. Let’s briefly face the worst possibility and then we can indulge ourselves in some much needed reassurance and inspiration.   Literally millions of people have gone through some sort of church act – perhaps going forward in a Christian meeting, or being baptized or confirmed – and yet have not a wisp of spiritual life. They can be convinced they are born again, look like believers, act like devout Christians, and yet have undergone no spiritual change.   We can have unforgiven sin in our lives without realizing it. (It’s worth glancing at these  Scriptures ). This would cut us off from the holy God (Isaiah 59:1-2; Ps 66:18; Proverbs 28:9; Hebrews 7:26). If, for example, you held a grudge against someone, that unforgiveness would hinder your own forgiveness by God. So whenever God seems distant, it is wise to pray along the lines of the psalmist, ‘Search me, O God, and know my heart . . . See if there be any offensive way in me’ (Psalm 139:23-4). There are excellent webpages to help you resolve these issues. If any of the following topics interest you, bookmark this webpage (or note its address), then consult the webpages and return here later: *  Minor Occult Involvement in One’s Past or Family History *  Holding Grudges Can Ruin You Spiritually   *  Why We Can’t Be Forgiven While Refusing to Let Go of Sin   *  Handling Guilt   *  When a Christian Commits Gross Sin   *  The Unforgivable Sin     We should face and eliminate these possibilities before proceeding to other factors in feeling God’s presence.     Gentle Omnipotence   A man who had never in his life seen the sea was disappointed when he finally saw it. ‘I thought it would look bigger,’ he complained.   There is always more to God than we can see. Did anyone expect God to be so foolish as to burn our eyes out when he appears, burst our eardrums when he speaks, crush us to dust when he touches? Since the Almighty must restrain himself whenever he relates to us, why should anyone be shocked if he chooses to be just a little gentler than we expected?   You were literally made for God. It shouldn’t have to be an alien experience – something to fry your brains or drain you of adrenaline – to relate to the God who made you. Why shouldn’t prayer be as simple as breathing, as natural as a child chatting to its mother? You don’t have to wait until something is spooky or spectacular before concluding that God is in it.   To the Jews, Jesus seemed too ordinary to be their Messiah. Could you be making a similar mistake in your expectations of what it would be like to have God in your life?   Feelings versus reality An act of God might occasionally coincide with goosebumps or a warm gooey feeling, or some other emotion, but the moment we begin to expect inner feelings and spiritual reality to coincide, we are headed for disappointment.   In both natural and supernatural matters, feelings and reality only sometimes line up. For instance, if someone handed you a million dollar check, you might feel no richer. One reason for feeling nothing could be that you think the check will bounce. You could throw away a million dollars simply because you don’t believe it’s real.   You could also discard a unique opportunity with God just because you don’t believe it’s real. And that would be more tragic than tearing up a million dollars.   God wants you to make it You are important to God. He is pleased with your search for him and with your genuine questioning. Nothing is more important than getting these matters sorted out. Focus on the fact that what God says is true. His Word guarantees that if you are willing to give up your sins and you ask forgiveness, trusting that Jesus died in your place, then God’s forgiveness is yours. And if you have forgiveness you have full access to God. What you feel is irrelevant. You might feel guilty, depressed, sick, or foolish, it makes no difference. What matters is objective fact, not feelings.   God longs to save us. It cost him enormously (the death of Jesus) to make your forgiveness possible. He’s not going to squander that sacrifice. He has taken the initiative and what he has started he will finish. He will heed only a stubborn refusal to accept his offer of forgiveness. For anyone who even half wants God, the Lord will rush to forgive, because he is neither reluctant to save, nor so weak that he needs our help. If you have asked Jesus’ forgiveness, then you are forgiven, unless you are strongly aware that you are refusing to give God permission to take a particular sin from you.   If you are seeking, you will find. That’s the divine promise. Just keep seeking. Although you might feel as if you are doing all the seeking, your hunger for God was seeded within you by God himself. Your spiritual longings are proof that God is actively working in your life (John 6:44; Philippians 2:13). On the surface, it might seem due to the influences of friends, circumstances, or whatever, but these are just means God is using.   ‘Draw near to God and he will draw near to you’ promises Scripture (James 4:8). The divine commitment is not that you will  feel  that God is close, but that he  will  be close.   Deception When you give your life to Christ, you gain the most wonderful and most powerful Friend in the entire universe. You also gain, however, a fearsome foe. Any friend of God’s is an enemy of the devil. Satan is nothing compared to God – not as smart, not as powerful; a total loser. He is, nevertheless, a superhumanly powerful, evil genius. With God on your side you have what it takes to defeat Satan every time, and the devil knows it. All he can do to Christians is to fool them into not using the spiritual power that Christ has given them. So he will do all he can to make you doubt God’s power and reality in your life by trying to manipulate your feelings.   In short: you have an enemy. He’s an arch Deceiver. And he loves playing with your feelings.   New Christian? There are reasons besides lack of faith why a person with a million dollar check could feel no different. He could be so stunned that his emotions have not yet caught up. Another reason is similar: nothing has happened yet. On paper he might be a millionaire, but he has not yet had a chance to spend a cent. So soon after the event there has been no change to his circumstances. Spiritually, too, unless you have been on the way for quite a while, you haven’t had a chance to start ‘cashing’ your new spiritual riches through prayer, experience and so on. It will take time for the results to become obvious.   So it is perfectly normal for a new Christian to feel nothing at first. After a while you will receive more and more evidence that you really are in contact with Almighty God, but such awareness takes time. Like the growth of a tree, much of God’s work is not immediately obvious. It takes time to realize what has happened. Nevertheless, by faith you can know the miracle has commenced without having to wait until you can see it with your eyes.   Regardless of how long we have been a Christian, if we spend just twenty minutes a day (less than one fiftieth of our waking hours) praying and thinking about the Lord, should we be surprised if the physical world seems fifty times more real to us than the spiritual realm?   Moreover,  all mature Christians have times when they feel nothing, because God wants us to learn to trust  him , rather than trusting our emotions.  He wants us to learn that the weather changes, people change, our feelings change, but he remains rock solid, totally true and dependable  forever .   God has promised to love you, be with you, forgive you, hear your prayers. On and on the promises go, but not once has he promised you will ‘feel’ anything. So place your faith in what God has promised (spelt out in black and white) not what he has  not  promised (elusive feelings).   Spiritual highs You may feel very different when you go from a valley to a mountaintop experience, but little or nothing in you has actually changed. All that happens on a peak is that you can see further with your own eyes. You are temporarily less dependent upon a map or on what others tell you. (Even then, an accurate map or experienced advice is more reliable.) When you are highly conscious of God’s love for you, or you feel his presence, it’s not that God has suddenly become more loving (you can’t increase infinite love) nor that you’ve become more lovable, it’s just that from a spiritual mountaintop you see everyday reality more clearly. From a peak you can look back and see to your great surprise the wonderful progress you have made. You can see how when it seemed your Guide (the Holy Spirit) was taking you in circles you were actually skirting a dangerous area. Suddenly you see the wisdom in what had seemed aimless wanderings and useless diversions. You see how when it seemed your Guide had deserted you he must have somehow still been directing you because you took exactly the right route. You can look forward and see the exciting things you are headed for. Life seems far more exhilarating and makes so much more sense.   You feel so different when you can see further. It’s like night compared to day. But when it’s dark nothing has actually changed, it’s just that you can’t  see  that nothing has changed! So it is when you move from times when you can see God’s love and goodness and closeness, to times when you can’t see them.   Believing the unseeable and unfeelable Can you believe in something you cannot see or touch? Of course, you can! You do it all the time. You believe Abraham Lincoln existed. You have never seen or touched him. You simply believe in the integrity of those who claim to have researched the evidence that he existed. You believe such things, even though, unlike Jesus, these researchers don’t claim to be sinless. We know they are quite capable of lying and they have never confirmed anything by performing miracles, much less rising from the dead, yet we still don’t think of doubting countless thousands of historical events such as Lincoln’s assassination. You probably haven’t even met current heads of state. You merely believe those who claim they know their names and who claim that certain newspaper and television pictures are those of political leaders.   We could say the same about scientific discoveries. Scientists do not squander their lives trying to replicate everyone else’s experiments. It would take them thousands of lifetimes to personally confirm every scientific fact they believe to be true. They simply trust the integrity of their fellow, fallible scientists and build on that foundation to make new discoveries.   Someone wrote to me complaining that he could not be expected to believe the eyewitness reports in the gospels that Jesus conquered death. To have to rely on other people’s testimonies rather than on what his own eyes see is too much to ask, he claimed. And yet, like us, this man lives in a society in which it is impossible to function without trusting human testimony. You can’t even use a phone book without reliance upon the writings of fallible, less-than-saintly humans. And if the man on the other end of the phone line claims to be the person you want to speak to, how do you know he isn’t lying? You put your faith in human testimony hundreds of times each day. All of civilization hinges on it.   The entire universe teeters on the dependability of God. Every time you do anything, you are unconsciously trusting the integrity of God. When you sit on a chair, for instance, you are trusting that God won’t suddenly change the laws of physics and let you crash to the floor. Christian faith is taking the faith we all have in the Creator’s dependability and simply extending that faith to include what he has put in black and white. Bible faith is just taking God at his word. It is choosing to believe that Jesus was not a quack – that he really was from God and that what he said is therefore trustworthy. And since, Jesus taught the reliability of Scripture and that God would reveal further truth to the disciples (who wrote the New Testament), trusting Jesus leads to trusting the entire Bible.   If you have difficulty believing in Jesus, or the reliability of the Gospel accounts about him, there are many books that should set your mind at rest. I recommend  Evidence that Demands a Verdict, Vol I  by Josh McDowell. The critical point, however, is that Jesus and his word must be the foundation of your search for a relationship with God, not vague experiences. Continued .....Detecting God's Presence

Your greatest contribution might flow from your greatest weakness. If you find my writings useful, it’s because I have felt useless. It’s the spear through my heart that binds me to the pain in yours. It’s years plagued with questions that have unearthed answers. Had something dulled my pain, you would not be reading this website. Great men like Whitefield and the Wesleys suffered enormously in their struggle to find salvation. Whitefield’s spiritual need was so all-consuming that his fastings almost killed him. John and Charles were inconsolable until at long last they found salvation. Spurgeon suffered so greatly in his quest for salvation that he wrote, ‘I had rather pass through seven years of the most languishing sickness, than I would ever again pass through the terrible discovery of the evil of sin.’ Not surprisingly, their subsequent ministries eclipsed that of almost all Christians who have been spared such anguish of soul. John Bunyan’s spiritual torment was horrific. With a severity that few of us could even conceive, year after year he was repeatedly overwhelmed by a consciousness of sin, hopelessness and the seemingly certain prospect of an eternity in Hell. Then followed long years of harsh imprisonment, intensified even when not in prison by the very real threat of execution or deportation. No wonder Pilgrim’s Progress is such an outstandingly powerful book. Much of it was virtually autobiographical. Mark Virkler’s torment was his inability to hear God’s voice. In vain he sought the help of those who regularly heard from God. They could not even understand his problem. For them, it’s as easy as prayer. Year after year, Mark wrestled in the agony of silence. Why would a Father who longs to communicate with his treasured children, allow him to suffer so cruelly? Because, unlike those for whom hearing comes easily, Mark now has answers which have swept thousands to ‘the other side of silence.’ Traumas qualify us for ministry like nothing else can. After losing his sight, Dr. William Moon prayed a prayer that was powerfully answered: ‘Lord, help me use this talent of blindness in your service . . .’ Barbara Johnson has touched incalculable numbers of people for the glory of Christ, because of the numbing horror of being robbed of two sons through death, losing a third to a gay lifestyle, and her husband being critically injured. Who would have heard of Corrie ten Boom or Richard Wurmbrand if they had not suffered in prison camps? Rather than test your patience by citing hundreds more examples, let me conclude by stating the obvious: for vast numbers of Christians, the spiritual impact of their lives seems directly proportional to their past agony. Situations they would have most wanted to avoid – times when death seemed preferable – empowered their lives like no other experience. Related Webpages: From Mystery to Ministry: The Role of Sickness in Your Life Why does God Allow Suffering? Life’s Mysteries Explained The Nature of God’s Will When Things Get Tough: Dark Blessings Basking in Infinite Love: When God Denies You What You desperately Want Amazing Love When God Seems Far Away If anyone has reason to hate God, it’s Sue The Joy of Unanswered Prayer God as Mother and the Dadda you Always Needed

The Infinite Love of an Infinite God Bible translators Des and Jenny Oatridge were so sure that God cares not just for the thousands but for the ones and twos that they resolved to bypass large language groups that needed the Bible and find a language known only by a tiny minority. They got their wish when they heard of a language on the verge of extinction in Papua New Guinea. It was spoken by just 111 people. To sacrificially spend one’s life for so few would be remarkable if that tiny population were stable, but their numbers were plummeting at a phenomenal rate. Moreover, relative to hundreds of language groups, their need was minor; the tribe already had a strong Christian witness in languages they half knew. Nonetheless, the Oatridges devoted more than a quarter of a century to the herculean task of putting God’s Word into the mother tongue of this dying tribe. The heart of God and the hope that a few primitives might more fully comprehend the Gospel spurred them year after year. Many of us would feel failures if our sole ministry were to a few homeless people. Yet we would think we had ‘arrived’ if our ministry were to three millionaires. What twisted minds we’ve got. Let’s push aside petty human concepts and rise to the challenge of thinking like God. The Savior shed as much blood for a derelict as he did for the entire world. In the combined angelic and human hosts there might be a trillion objects of God’s love, yet our amazing Lord loves an individual, not with a trillionth of his love, but with all his love. Moreover, his love for that person is infinite. You can’t exceed ‘all’, nor can you beat infinity. That makes it impossible for God’s collective love for a million, or a trillion, to exceed his love for one solitary person. That’s perfect love. So, as staggering as it seems, if you alone can reach a particular individual, your contribution is as vital to God as that of someone who can reach a million. Moreover, people who on earth enjoy popularity are already receiving a portion of their reward. Other things being equal, if your labors are unrecognized, you are more blessed than the person made famous by the obvious success of reaching a million. Instead of receiving your reward now, you’re accumulating eternal wealth. That’s great news because heaven’s interest rates are out of this world. (Luke 14:12-14; 12:33; 1 Corinthians 9:18) Forget the multitudes; you are blessed if, by being true to your call, you touch just one person. In fact you can do seemingly even less and still accomplish much. Consider Scott and his team, who struggled to the South Pole only to discover their honor of being the first to reach the Pole was lost forever. Amundsen had beaten them by about a month. To add to the futility, they endured further blizzards, illness, frostbite and starvation only to perish; the last three dying just a few kilometers from safety. Yet today their miserable defeat ending with death in frozen isolation, witnessed by not a living soul, is hailed as one of the greatest ever epics of human exploration and endurance. Every fiber of my being is convinced that their glory is just a shadow of what you can achieve. Though you suffer in isolation and apparent futility, the depths of your trial known to no one on earth, your name could be blazed in heaven’s lights, honored forever by heaven’s throngs for your epic struggle with illness, bereavement, or whatever. The day is coming when what is endured in secret will be shouted from the housetops. Look at Job: bewildered, maligned, misunderstood; battling not some epic foe but essentially common things – a financial reversal, bereavement, illness; – not cheered on by screaming fans, just booed by some one-time friends. If even on this crazy planet Job is honored today, I can’t imagine the acclaim awaiting you when all is revealed. Your battle with life’s miseries can be as daring as David’s encounter with Goliath. Don’t worry that others don’t understand this at present. One day they will. Related Webpages: Life’s Mysteries Explained God Loves Me! Receive Your Own Revelation of God’s love This is an extract from a fascinating web book: Waiting for Your Ministry: The Quest for Fulfillment .

Embraced by divine love, your life will be tinged with mystery but aglow with glory. Tucked in the heart of Scripture sleeps a tiny psalm of precious truth. (Psalm 131) The singer confessed that as a mother denies her baby access to her milk when it’s time for her darling to be weaned, so God sometimes denies us things we crave. Yet as a weaned infant lies warm and secure in its mother’s bosom, our soul can nestle into God, not knowing why we have been denied that which we have clamored for, but content to draw love and comfort from the Father’s heart. As the heavens soar far above us, high and unreachable, so is God’s wisdom. (Isaiah 55:8-9; Psalm 139:6; 147:5; Romans 11:33-34; Job 11:7-9) Our tiny minds may understand the Father’s ways no more than a babe understands its mother, yet still we can rest in Him, bathed in the certainty that when the omnipotent, omniscient Lord lets the inexplicable touch a child of His, it is a manifestation of unfathomable love. In the hands of the One who wouldn’t so much as break a damaged reed or snuff a smoking wick, you are safe. (Matthew 12:20) For Help with Emotional Pain: When Things Get Tough For a look at reasons why God allows pain and suffering: God and Suffering For a deeper insight into God’s loving ways: Life’s Mysteries Explained

When Things Get Tough Handling Discouragement, Depression or Apparent Failure Dark Blessings The curtains are often drawn in God’s waiting room. It’s exciting to gaze ahead, but faith grows best in the dark. Life in the sunshine is so exhilarating that we seldom notice our faith beginning to droop. It’s when things are dim, that spiritual life mushrooms. God’s saints accomplish great things while staggering around in dazed bewilderment. ‘By faith,’ says Scripture, ‘Abraham, . . . went out, not knowing whither he went.’ (Hebrews 11:8 – emphasis mine) ‘I go bound in the Spirit to Jerusalem,’ said Paul, ‘not knowing the things that shall befall me there.’ (Acts 20:22 – emphasis mine) The disciples were frequently stunned or mystified by Christ’s words and behaviour. The psalmists were forever asking, ‘Why?’ (Eg. Psalm 10:1; 22:1; 42:9; 43:2; 44:23; 74:1; 88:14) And in the midst of his suffering, Job didn’t have a clue what was going on. Dark mysteries bring great blessings. At the close of the year that saw the death of his newborn son and then the death of his wife and then assaults on his own health, Hudson Taylor wrote, ‘This was the most sorrowful and most blessed year of my life.’ When it’s sunny we want to run off and play. It’s when it’s darkest that we hold Father’s hand the tightest. In the gloom, qualities like faith, grit, and dedication, are stretched to limits we have never before reached. Yet life seems so oppressive we are oblivious to our triumphs. In pristine conditions eyes of faith can see forever. When storms close in, it is a mammoth task for those same eyes to even slightly pierce the swirling murk. It is the conditions, not you, that have deteriorated. Contrary to every feeling, you are not regressing. Though offered with the best intentions, much sentimental waffle is sometimes uttered about returning to one’s ‘first love’, as if the starry-eyed euphoria of new Christians is greater than the mature depths of your average older Christian. Poppycock! Most spiritual honeymooners are radiant primarily because they think they have entered a blissful world of near-perfect Christians, instant answers to selfish prayers and a life forever free from pain, heartache and trials. Theirs is most likely mere puppy love, relative to the ardour moving you to tough it out. Never confuse devotion with emotion. By way of illustration, consider the dangers inherent in the most intimate human relationship. Though in a romance, love and physical desire can be intertwined, heartache and tragedy looms for anyone who fails to recognise them as separate entities. What if a person’s marriage plans are swayed by an inability to distinguish between love and sexual appetite? What if in marriage a loss of sexual function is viewed as a decline in love? Such a misconception could threaten the whole relationship. Similarly, in the spiritual realm a failure to distinguish between feelings and love for God has serious implications. Though I’m all for emotional exuberance, the Bible measures love, not in tingles per second, but in putting one’s life on the line. (1 John 3:16-18) It’s pain endured in the valley, not gooey feelings in the afterglow of mountaintop ecstasy, that validates love. By all means, passionately seek the face of God, but don’t assume that emotional deadness – a normal phase of anyone’s spiritual life – implies spiritual deadness. We march by faith, not by warm fuzzies. An athlete, in the midst of a record-breaking run, has never in his life been so fit and strong. Yet his pain-racked body may have never felt so weak. Likewise, in the midst of a spiritual trial, it is not uncommon to be stronger and yet feel weaker than ever before. And to fellow Christians you might seem hopeless. An ultra-marathon champion staggering up the final hill looks pathetic. A child could do better. Anyone not understanding what this man has gone through would shrink from him in disgust. Only someone with all the facts would be awed by his stamina as he stumbles on. Consider Scott and his team, who struggled to the South Pole only to discover their honour of being the first to reach the Pole was lost forever. Amundsen had beaten them by about a month. To add to the futility, they endured further blizzards, illness, frostbite and starvation only to perish; the last three dying just a few miles from safety. Yet today their miserable defeat ending with death in frozen isolation, witnessed by not a living soul, is hailed as one on the greatest ever epics of human exploration and endurance. Every fibre of my being is convinced that their glory is just a shadow of what you can achieve. Though you suffer in isolation and apparent futility, the depths of your trial known to no one on earth, your name could be blazed in heaven’s lights, honoured forever by heaven’s throngs for your epic struggle with despair, illness, bereavement, or whatever. The day is coming when what is endured in secret will be shouted from the housetops. Look at Job: bewildered, maligned, misunderstood; battling not some epic foe but essentially common things – a financial reversal, bereavement, illness; – not cheered on by screaming fans, just booed by some one-time friends. If even on this crazy planet Job is honoured today, I can’t imagine the acclaim awaiting you when all is revealed. Your battle with life’s miseries can be as daring as David’s encounter with Goliath. Don’t worry that others don’t understand this at present. One day they will. And that day will never end. Life seems hopeless. Every day it feels you’ve slumped another notch. To maintain even a glimmer of faith in such darkness is a spectacular victory. It may take everything you’ve got just to hold on. But do it. You are pumping spiritual iron. If your blossom is dying, it’s so that the fruit can grow. Remember the cripple at the temple gate: he hoped for alms and got legs. (Acts 3:1-3) Creator God loves surprises. And he loves you. Earth sees us flattened on the wrestling ring canvas in faith’s fight. Heaven sees us forming on the canvas of the Great Artist. Half-completed works of art look ugly. All that matters, however, is the finished masterpiece. Forget appearances. Yield to the Artist. The result will be breath-taking.

Was Jesus effeminate? Weeping, crying, sobbing, shedding tears Emotional healing What is masculine? Emotions & Christianity Christian Insights into Crying and Weeping This biblical exploration is of great importance to both sexes. It grapples with such issues as: * Was Jesus Christ effeminate? * What does it mean to be masculine? * Is an emotional release compatible with masculinity? * Have modern Christians strayed from a biblical understanding of crying? * The role of weeping and sobbing in authentic Christianity * Healing of the emotions. The following is adapted from a novel I have written. After suffering extreme trauma, I finally passed out. When consciousness caressed my senses I found myself, immersed in unearthly beauty. Was this heaven? To my bewilderment, I burst into tears. I was alone, but not even that stopped me from feeling ashamed and deeply embarrassed by my emotions. What is happening to me? I chided myself. How freakish! I recalled the book of Revelation speaking of God wiping away all tears 1 and yet, incomprehensibly, here was I in what seemed like Paradise, blubbering like a baby. Nevertheless, for some inexplicable reason there seemed to be something cleansing about those tears. Somehow I felt as if it were making me more whole than I had ever been; as if at last I was reunited with a long-lost part of me. In fact, it was even more dramatic: it was as if a dead part of me had sprung to life. I could hardly have been more surprised or relieved if, after having resigned myself to going through life dragging a paralyzed limb, the nerve endings had suddenly reconnected and I was restored. I felt a peculiar kinship with the man crippled from birth “walking and jumping, and praising God.” 2 I presumed my bawling was some sort of reaction to the horror I had experienced before passing out but what confounded me further was that I was not now even consciously focused on those events. I was so perplexed by my tears that as I continued sobbing, the wheels of my mind spun on a different track: trying to figure out why I, or any grown man, would surrender his masculinity to tears. I was acutely aware that Jesus had cried. 3 As a kid grappling with memory verses and wanting an easy way out, I knew full well that the shortest verse in the Bible is “Jesus wept.” 4 Since my teens I had never managed to reconcile Jesus’ tears with my conviction that he is the perfect man. I guess if I were to ruthlessly rip through all my attempts to suppress it, the unsettling truth is that I have always worried that Jesus was a bit effeminate. Until I found myself blubbering, I do not think I had ever dared admit this to myself. Cringing at this near-blasphemous admission, I desperately tried to grasp at anything that might reassure me of Jesus’ masculinity. Jesus certainly managed to inspire real men , I told myself lamely. I imagined Peter and the other fishermen with bulging muscles as they braved storms, rowed against contrary winds and hauled in nets. Hey! Peter wept after denying Jesus! 5 This was the first time I had ever linked Peter’s tears and his physical strength. In my frantic search for tough men among Jesus’ followers, I zeroed in on the “Sons of Thunder.” 6 I felt assured of their masculinity, then questioned why I should associate being a hothead with manhood. Isn’t anger an emotion? Isn’t it ironical – even hypocritical – for men who can’t control their anger but don’t cry to pride themselves in controlling their emotions? Suddenly, I found that sickening. Thinking of hypocrisy while still anxious to see Jesus as masculine triggered the thought of Jesus repeatedly blasting pharisaical hypocrisy and courageously standing up to religious authorities. 7 And they had real authority back then. After all, they were the ones behind Jesus’ execution. 8 I recalled them on the brink of stoning the woman caught in adultery, 9 and actually completing the act with Stephen. 10 I thought of Jews flaying the apostle Paul’s back. 11 Then I pictured Jesus riling the authorities by single-handedly hauling the moneychangers out of the temple. 12 Not only was he contending with several men whose livelihoods were at stake, he was violating an officially-sanctioned practice and creating a near riot in the most sacred place in the world to the Jews – a place that was sure to have been protected by zealous armed guards. 13 Still bucketing tears myself, I kept trying to counter my doubts about Jesus by endeavoring to impress his bravery upon my consciousness. I recalled Jesus – despite knowing the torturous fate awaiting him and knowing that at any moment he could turn back, or call down battalions of supernaturally fierce angels – 14 courageously setting his “face like flint” 15 as he headed for Jerusalem, with his disciples dragging their heels behind him. 16 That reference to flint brought Jeremiah to mind. At this prophet’s very calling, God declared he had made this man “a fortified city, an iron pillar and a bronze wall.” 17 And yet Jeremiah shed so many tears 18 that he is known as “the weeping prophet.” A hard-as-iron, weeping man? Never before had I laid next to each other such two ridiculously incompatible facets of a man of God. I found the thought as head spinning as a lion and lamb lying together. 19 At this, my mind bolted to Jesus being called the Lion and the Lamb. 20 Could anyone be hard and soft at the same time? Is this what it means to be fully human – even gloriously human? Is deadening one’s emotions akin to deadening part of one’s brain? With these confusing thoughts utterly unresolved, my mind fled to King David. If ever there were a man’s man, it was this giant-killer. 21 I recalled the biblical record of David and his men crying until they had no strength left to cry. 22 His home had been burned to the ground and he not only lost everything he owned, but a huge, ruthless army had abducted his own wives and children – along with the loved ones of his best friends – presumably to rape and enslave them all. 23 Then he found his once-loyal men so embittered by the loss that they were plotting to murder him. 24 Next, when we might be tempted to think him a crying shame, he stuns us all by strengthening himself in God, and in an endurance feat so incredible that many of his battle-hardened men were quite unable to keep up the pace and gave up, he chased down the army. 25 Then, when he was not only ridiculously outnumbered 26 but should have been too exhausted to move, he utterly defeated and plundered the foreign army. Had I, for all those years, been cowering in fear of my emotions, as if scared of my own shadow? Had what I arrogantly regarded as being manly, actually been cowardly, and had I robbed myself in the process? For me, such thoughts were almost as shocking as heresy. Didn’t Paul mention tears somewhere? 27 How many references to crying are there in the Bible? Emotionally, how far below the norm has the average Western Christian slipped? I made an urgent mental note to make this a Bible study priority and later discovered well over seventy references to men crying. 28 My mind drifted to another time I had shocked myself by crying. Being in control has almost been a religion to me. In this case, however, it was as though I had been continually forced back until this unmanly act was the only exit. I was driven to such bitter regret over squandered opportunities and mistaken priorities that had robbed me of life’s greatest treasure – knowing God more intimately. Suddenly it seemed there could be no greater loss; no greater tragedy; and no alternative response but to cry. As bitter tears washed my face, I found it peculiarly refreshing, as if each teardrop softened my sun-dried soul. There was a liberating honesty about it; like blabbing a fearfully kept guilty secret and to one’s surprised relief finding acceptance. Oh, sweet tears of repentance! Tears, so bitter when they erupted, seemed to turn to nectar the moment they touched that God-charged atmosphere. Until then I had no idea that to see through tears is to see through a telescope. It was then that I knew that tears touch the heart of God. Like a gentle summer breeze, the words, “Blessed are they that mourn,” caressed my softening heart. At the mere reminder of having cried, however, shame swamped me and I caught myself trying to push the memory away. The irony is that I had just begun feeling a little smug over having progressed in my understanding of masculinity and emotion. As I pondered the contradiction, I concluded that my lingering shame over tears was a little like my fear of handling snakes. My excuse for the fear is that I have spent most of my life in a region renowned for several species of deadly snakes. When given the opportunity to hold a non-venomous snake, however, my heart thumped despite knowing that the snake was harmless. As I had stubbornly refused to cave in to my irrational fear of a harmless snake, so I should refuse to be dominated by an irrational feeling that tears imply weakness. I found myself puzzling over what it means to be a man. Things have got very blurred in a technologically advanced society in which physical strength means less than it ever did and where women act more like men than ever before. I wondered if dividing manhood into its basic components might help. A man is a mature male human. To be mature is to be smarter and wiser than children. To be human is to be more intelligent than animals. Hey! A significant part of being a man is intellect! If my thinking ability separates me from animals and children, what could possibly be manly about refusing to think about unpleasant things? If a real man is not a coward, wouldn’t it be more manly to face one’s past fears and resolve them by thinking about them, rather than fleeing them? Then a realization punched me in the stomach. I’ve done it again! I reeled in amazement that yet again I had resorted to my timeworn way of coping. Am I so addicted to avoiding unpleasant memories that I am seldom even conscious that I am doing it? Rather than face all the unpleasantness and come to terms with the trauma I had witnessed, I had reverted to my preferred method of escapism. Instead of dealing with emotions, I had plunged into an intellectual examination of emotions and masculinity. It was as if I had subconsciously hoped – and it had almost worked – that by these mental gymnastics I would fool myself into not realizing I had run from the emotional and personal issues. It seems that I, who had prided myself in not being one to use drugs or drink, was as much into escapism as anyone who resorts to substance abuse. What had left me so traumatized was some sort of vision of Jesus’ crucifixion. It had seemed as if I were actually there and simultaneously witnessed angelic responses to those events. It had felt more gut wrenching than merely being a spectator to a grizzly incident of earth-shattering proportions. It almost felt as if I had experienced Jesus’ tortuous death and burial not through a hardened human heart but through the passionate innocence of angelic eyes and emotions. No matter how much I longed to erase that ghastly memory, I did not have to be Einstein to know that God had obviously given me the experience for a purpose and that the suppression of the memory would render that divine revelation a waste. My mind leapfrogged to other life experiences that I had tried hard to forget. There was no way I could say those experiences were from God. They had the fingerprints of evil smudged all over them. Was it acceptable to keep pushing the memories out of my mind and leave them unresolved, or would, like this experience, I somehow be wasting an invaluable learning opportunity by suppressing them? But what was there to learn? I thought of people using punishment to “teach people a lesson,” but that was not applicable to my four-year-old brother dying, nor to my other unpleasant memories. I recalled the beginning of 2 Corinthians where God is called “the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God.” 29 This makes our ability to minister to others dependent upon us receiving God’s comfort. I keep expecting God to meet all my needs without me articulating them, despite this being at odds with Jesus’ teaching. He kept pleading with us to ask in order to receive. 30 I thought of all the times Jesus asked sick people what they wanted before he healed them. 31 It was apparently important that they confess their need. If God will not heal until we admit our need for healing, could living in denial of inner pain keep God from comforting us? And could this, in turn, keep God from using us to help other people? If receiving divine comfort is the key to us ministering to others who are hurt, what are the full implications of trying to act macho by refusing to admit even to ourselves – let alone to God – the extent of our inner pain? Could it not only keep us messed up and cause other people to miss out, but keep us from our life’s mission? I recalled in the Epistle of James where it links healing and powerful prayer to confessing our sins to each other. 32 In contrast, I tend to be too big a coward to confess in private to myself and God, weaknesses that are not even sins. I thought of Jesus saying that what has been whispered in secret shall be shouted from the housetops 33 and recalled the Scripture that affirms that all things are naked and exposed before the One to whom we must give account. 34 Just as it is better to repent this side of Judgment Day, wouldn’t it be better to get hidden things over and done with by being open about everything now? I revisited Jesus’ famous statement in which he said he is the Truth, 35 and another occasion when he said the truth shall set us free. 36 I concluded that since God is a God of truth, he must surely want us to live in truth, not in denial. 37 Further confirmation flashed into my mind in the form of Jesus’ statement that God must be worshipped in spirit and in truth. 38 Another famous Scripture began bobbing on the surface of my consciousness, about God weaving all things together for good in the lives of those who love him. 39 That reminded me of Joseph in the Old Testament telling his brothers something like, “You meant it for evil, but God meant it for good.” 40 There is no way that God could have approved of the evil in his brothers’ hearts but if God is so powerful as to be able to bring good out of such evil schemes, God can surely bring good out of evil things I have suffered and would rather forget. Could I, by suppressing unpleasant memories, miss at least some of the good God would otherwise have brought out of a regrettable event? That thought opened so many possibilities as to keep me intellectually entertained for weeks, but then I realized what was happening. I’m doing it again! Is there no limit to how far I’ll go to avoid unpleasant memories. So I quickly prayed, then dragged my reluctant mind by the scruff of its neck back to the memory of the crucifixion. There could hardly be anything more traumatic than witnessing one’s loved one being tortured to death. And yet I sensed that not even that could fully account for the violent intensity of my emotional reaction to what I had witnessed. With the same reluctance I had felt as a little child trudging my way to the torturer who called himself a dentist, I dredged up the memories of the angels recoiling at the sight their beloved Lord on the cross. Their reactions had been so explosive as to somehow send shockwaves through my entire being. The sickening blow to my senses made me feel there was something appallingly wrong and of cataclysmic significance for the Holy Creator of the cosmos to be naked on a cross, pinned out like a bug specimen on public display to titillate curious spectators. The feeling was so strong that it was as if truth had been speared into me, entering my heart without passing through my mind. It seemed I knew mysteries that even now continued to elude my intellectual understanding. My thoughts skidded to the angel’s blood-curdling shriek, “This is no ordinary man!” Something about the eerie, stomach-churning sensation that tore through me as he had expelled those words made it feel as if the words were of special significance. So, hoping that God would guide my thoughts, I determined to explore the implications of those words. I don’t think any of us can truly comprehend the mind-boggling importance and value and eternal potential of just one “ordinary” human. Even so, the Eternal Son is infinitely greater. No matter how dirty and tattered a child’s beloved teddy bear is, for those who deeply love and understand the little child, it would be like a knife in the stomach to see that stuffed toy ripped to shreds. Nevertheless, it would be an incomparably greater tragedy for the child himself to be tortured to death. No matter how excruciatingly tragic the death of a loved one is, it is infinitely more appalling to contemplate the death of the One through whom all things are made and sustained. Any other regrettable death is like the loss of a mediocre reproduction of a masterpiece, compared to the master artist himself being struck down in the prime of his creativity. I remembered the time I gasped as I read, in the book of Acts, Peter saying, “You killed the author of life.” 41 I thought of the beginning of Hebrews that speaks of the mighty Son of God holding the entire cosmos together by his word. 42 It is in him that “we live and move and have our being.” He is the one who gives life and all things to all. 43 Killing the Origin and Sustaining Power behind all life is as terrifying as accidentally detonating a chain reaction that could implode the entire universe. As it says in Colossians , the Son of God is the one by whom and for whom, all things were created. 44 Truly, I had witnessed the total humiliation of the most exalted person in the entire cosmos. I recalled being told as a child that the Son of God becoming human is like us becoming an ant. Not even that, however, adequately embraces the enormity of the gulf between the Creator and the created. In comparison, the difference between an amoeba and a mighty, sinless angel who has lived in splendor for eons is nothing. Our Lord is not merely a different and vastly superior species; he had no beginning. He is not just from a different world; he made every world. He has no limitation. Whereas he is dependent upon nothing, we are dependent not only upon the God who holds our very atoms together but utterly dependent upon food, water, oxygen, light, a narrow temperature range, and so on. We cannot even keep sane for long in solitary confinement. We live for a few years: he is Life. We sometimes manage to discover a fragment of truth; he is Truth. And on that cross I had seen the ultimate violation of Innocence. No one in the universe has been more violated, and no human has had such innocence. Morally, we are shades of gray, whereas his purity is so blindingly brilliant white as to burn our eyes out. The moral gap between the lowest criminal and the greatest saint, or the most defiled rapist and the most chaste virgin, is nothing compared with the gulf between any of us and the Sinless One. 45 Trace anyone’s family tree back far enough and there will be a conception based on rape, adultery, or lust. So there is a real sense in which all of us owe our very existence to sin. But the Man in torment on the cross was eternally pure. A newborn human will grow up to sin, but the Man on the cross remained pure. No wonder witnessing Jesus’ death and burial had such a devastating effect on me. As much as I despised those awful feelings, they had dragged me kicking and screaming to an understanding I had sorely needed, even though I still believe my intellectual grasp of the full ramifications is, at best, fragmentary and superficial. It truly is important to bring painful memories to God and resolve them, rather than opting for the cowardly way of trying to suppress the memories. FOOTNOTES: Scriptures Related Pages Real Christians Grieve: Help and Healing from Emotional Pain Husband, Head of a Submissive Wife? A Man’s Man, the Bible Way Men: The Simpler Sex? Understanding Men Is My Baby in Heaven? Comfort when grieving the loss of a baby due to miscarriage, abortion, stillbirth or the death of an infant. Basking In Infinite Love Further help and comfort with your grief. Keep following the first link at the end of each article.

Scriptural references to men shedding tears and weeping 1. God wiping away all tears Revelation 7:17 2. “walking and jumping, and praising God” Acts 3:8 3. Other references to Jesus crying Luke 19:41; Hebrews 5:7 4. “Jesus wept” John 11:35 5. Peter wept Matthew 26:75 6. “Sons of Thunder” Mark 3:17; Luke 9:54 7. Jesus repeatedly blasting religious leaders e.g. Matthew 23:13-39 8. Jewish leaders were behind Jesus’ execution Matthew 26:3-4, 47-48, 57-67; 27:1-2, 20 9. On the brink of stoning the woman caught in adultery John 8:4-7 10. Stephen stoned Acts 7:58-60 11. Jews flaying the apostle Paul’s back 2 Corinthians 11:24 12. Jesus and the temple moneychangers John 2:14-15 13. Temple guards Acts 4:1,3; 26:21; 2 Kings 11:4-11 14. Call down battalions of supernaturally fierce angels Matthew 26:53 15. Set his “face like flint” Isaiah 50:6-7; Luke 9:51 16. His disciples dragging their heels behind him Mark 10:32-33; Luke 19:28 17. Jeremiah: “a fortified city, an iron pillar and a bronze wall” Jeremiah 1:18 18. Jeremiah’s tears Jeremiah 48:31-32; Lamentations 2:11; 3:48-49 19. A lion and lamb lying together Alluded to in Isaiah 11:6; 65:25 20. Jesus called the Lion and the Lamb Revelation 5:5-6 “. . .  See, the Lion of the tribe of Judah . . . Then I saw a Lamb . . .” 21. David the giant-killer 1 Samuel 17:4 22. David and his men crying until they had no strength left to cry 1 Samuel 30:4 23. David’s had been burned to the ground etc 1 Samuel 30:1-3 24. David’s once-loyal men plotting to murder him 1 Samuel 30:6 25. David’s pursuit and defeat of the army 1 Samuel 30:8-19 26. David’s men ridiculously outnumbered Only 400 of David’s men fought (1 Samuel 30:10). Besides all the foot soldiers etc, David faced 400 men on camels (1 Samuel 30:17). Imagine trying to attack armed men who are mounted on camels! 27. Paul mentioning tears Acts 20:19 I served the Lord with great humility and with tears . . . Acts 20:31 . . . Remember that for three years I never stopped warning each of you night and day with tears. 2 Corinthians 2:4 . . . For I wrote you out of great distress and anguish of heart and with many tears Philippians 3:18 For, as I have often told you before and now say again even with tears . . . 28. Bible references to men crying. See Men Crying . 29. “The God of all comfort . . .” 2 Corinthians 1:3-4 30. Ask in order to receive Matthew 7:7,11; 9:38; 18:19; 21:22; John 14:13-16; 15:7,16; 16:24 31. Jesus asking sick people what they wanted Mark 5:30-34; 10:51; John 5:6 32. Healing linked to confessing our sins to each other James 5:16 Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective. 33. Shouted from the housetops Luke 12:3 What you have said in the dark will be heard in the daylight, and what you have whispered in the ear in the inner rooms will be proclaimed from the roofs. 34. Naked and exposed Hebrews 4:13 35. Jesus is the Truth John 14:6 36. The truth shall set us free John 8:32 37. God want us to live in truth, not in denial Psalms 32:3,5 When I kept silent, my bones wasted away through my groaning all day long. . . . Then I acknowledged my sin to you and did not cover up my iniquity. I said, “I will confess my transgressions to the LORD” – and you forgave the guilt of my sin. Proverbs 28:13 He who conceals his sins does not prosper, but whoever confesses and renounces them finds mercy. Jeremiah 2:23 How can you say, “I am not defiled; I have not run after the Baals”? See how you behaved in the valley; consider what you have done. . . . Acts 19:18 Many of those who believed now came and openly confessed their evil deeds 1 John 1:8-10 If we claim to be without sin, we deceive ourselves and the truth is not in us. If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness. If we claim we have not sinned, we make him out to be a liar and his word has no place in our lives. 38. Worship in spirit and in truth John 4:24 39. God weaving all things together for good Romans 8:28 40. “You meant it for evil, but God meant it for good” Genesis 50:20 41. “You killed the author of life” Acts 3:15 42. Jesus upholding the entire cosmos by his word Hebrews 1:3; Colossians 1:17 43. In him that we live and move etc. Acts 17:28 44. By whom and for whom, all things were created Colossians 1:16 45. Jesus, the sinless one Hebrews 7:26 Such a high priest meets our need – one who is holy, blameless, pure, set apart from sinners, exalted above the heavens. For much more about Jesus’ sinlessness, see Jesus Uniquely Perfect Men Crying in the Bible To save space, references solely to women crying are omitted, but the fact that all these references are to men crying is particularly impacting. Scriptures Specifically Mentioning Men Crying Genesis 27:38   . . . Esau lifted up his voice, and wept . Genesis 29:11  Jacob kissed Rachel, and lifted up his voice, and wept . Genesis 33:4  Esau ran to meet him, embraced him, fell on his neck, kissed him, and they wept . Genesis 37:35  All his sons and all his daughters rose up to comfort him, but he refused to be comforted. He said, “For I will go down to Sheol to my son mourning.” His father wept  for him. Genesis 42:24  He turned himself away from them, and wept . . . . Genesis 43:30  Joseph hurried, for his heart yearned over his brother; and he sought a place to weep . He entered into his room, and wept  there. Genesis 45:2  He wept  aloud. The Egyptians heard, and the house of Pharaoh heard. Genesis 45:14  He fell on his brother Benjamin’s neck, and wept , and Benjamin wept  on his neck. Genesis 45:15  He kissed all his brothers, and wept  on them. . . . Genesis 46:29  Joseph . . . presented himself to him, and fell on his neck, and wept  on his neck a good while. Genesis 50:1  Joseph fell on his father’s face, wept  on him, and kissed him. Genesis 50:17   . . . Joseph wept  when they spoke to him. 1 Samuel 20:41   . . . David . . . fell on his face to the ground, and bowed himself three times. They kissed one another, and wept  one with another, and David wept  the most. 1 Samuel 24:16   . . . Saul said, “Is that your voice, my son David?” Saul lifted up his voice, and wept . 1 Samuel 30:4  Then David and the people who were with him lifted up their voice and wept  until they had no more power to weep . 2 Samuel 1:12  They mourned, wept , and fasted until evening, for Saul, and for Jonathan his son, and for the people of the Lord, and for the house of Israel; because they had fallen by the sword. 2 Samuel 3:16  Her husband went with her, weeping  as he went, and followed her to Bahurim. Then Abner said to him, “Go! Return!” and he returned. 2 Samuel 3:32   . . . the king lifted up his voice, and wept  at Abner’s grave; and all the people wept . 2 Samuel 12:21  Then his servants said to him, “What is this that you have done? You fasted and wept  for the child while he was alive, but when the child was dead, you rose up and ate bread.” 2 Samuel 12:22  He said, “While the child was yet alive, I fasted and wept ; for I said, ‘Who knows whether the Lord will not be gracious to me, that the child may live?’ 2 Samuel 13:36  As soon as he had finished speaking, behold, the king’s sons came, and lifted up their voice, and wept . The king also and all his servants wept  bitterly. 2 Samuel 15:30  David went up by the ascent of the Mount of Olives, and wept as he went up; and he had his head covered, and went barefoot: and all the people who were with him each covered his head, and they went up, weeping  as they went up. 2 Samuel 18:33  The king was much moved, and went up to the room over the gate, and wept . As he went, he said, “My son Absalom! My son, my son Absalom! I wish I had died for you, Absalom, my son, my son!” 2 Samuel 19:1  Joab was told, “Behold, the king weeps  and mourns for Absalom.” 2 Kings 8:11   . . . Then the man of God wept . 2 Kings 8:12  Hazael said, “Why do you weep , my lord?” . . . 2 Kings 13:14  Now Elisha became sick with the illness of which he died; and Joash the king of Israel came down to him, and wept  over him . . . 2 Kings 20:3   . . . And Hezekiah wept  bitterly. 2 Kings 20:5   . . .tell Hezekiah the prince of my people, ‘The Lord, the God of David your father, says, “I have heard your prayer. I have seen your tears . . . . 2 Kings 22:19  because your heart was tender, and you humbled yourself before the Lord, when you heard what I spoke against this place, and against its inhabitants, that they should become a desolation and a curse, and have torn your clothes, and wept  before me; I also have heard you,’ says the Lord. 2 Chronicles 34:27  because your heart was tender, and you humbled yourself before God, when you heard his words against this place, and against its inhabitants, and have humbled yourself before me, and have torn your clothes, and wept  before me; I also have heard you,” says the Lord. Ezra 3:12-13  But many of the priests and Levites and heads of fathers’ households, the old men who had seen the first house, when the foundation of this house was laid before their eyes, wept  with a loud voice. Many also shouted aloud for joy so that the people could not discern the noise of the shout of joy from the noise of the weeping  of the people; for the people shouted with a loud shout, and the noise was heard far away. Ezra 10:1  Now while Ezra prayed and made confession, weeping  and casting himself down before God’s house, there was gathered together to him out of Israel a very great assembly of men and women and children; for the people wept  very bitterly. Nehemiah 1:4  When I heard these words, I sat down and wept , and mourned certain days . . . Esther 4:1   . . . Mordecai tore his clothes, and put on sackcloth with ashes, and went out into the middle of the city, and wailed  loudly and a bitterly. Job 2:12  When they lifted up their eyes from a distance, and didn’t recognize him, they raised their voices, and wept ; and they each tore his robe, and sprinkled dust on their heads toward the sky. Job 16:16  My face is red with weeping . Deep darkness is on my eyelids. Job 16:20  My friends scoff at me. My eyes pour out tears  to God Job 30:25  Didn’t I weep  for him who was in trouble? Wasn’t my soul grieved for the needy? Psalms 6:6  I am weary with my groaning. Every night I flood my bed. I drench my couch with my tears . Psalms 6:8  Depart from me, all you workers of iniquity, for the Lord has heard the voice of my weeping . Psalms 30:11  You turned my wailing  into dancing; you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy (NIV) Psalms 39:12  Hear my prayer, Lord, and give ear to my cry. Don’t be silent at my tears . . . . Psalms 42:3  My tears  have been my food day and night, while they continually ask me, “Where is your God?” Psalms 69:10  When I wept  and I fasted, that was to my reproach. Psalms 102:9  For I have eaten ashes like bread, and mixed my drink with tears Psalms 119:136  Streams of tears  run down my eyes, because they don’t observe your law. Isaiah 16:9  Therefore I will weep , with the weeping of Jazer for the vine of Sibmah. I will water you with my tears  . . . Isaiah 22:4   . . . Look away from me. I will weep  bitterly. . . . Isaiah 33:7  Behold, their valiant ones cry outside; the ambassadors of peace weep  bitterly. Isaiah 38:3   . . . Hezekiah wept  bitterly. Isaiah 38:5  Go, and tell Hezekiah, ‘The Lord says, the God of David your father, “I have heard your prayer. I have seen your tears . Behold, I will add fifteen years to your life. Jeremiah 25:36  A voice of the cry of the shepherds, and the wailing  of the principal of the flock! for the Lord lays waste their pasture. Jeremiah 41:6  Ishmael the son of Nethaniah went out from Mizpah to meet them, weeping  all along as he went . . . Jeremiah 48:31-32  Therefore I will wail  for Moab; yes, I will cry out for all Moab: for the men of Kir Heres shall they mourn. With more than the weeping of Jazer will I weep  for you . . . Lamentations 2:11  My eyes do fail with tears , my heart is troubled; My liver is poured on the earth, because of the destruction of the daughter of my people . . . Lamentations 3:48-49   My eye runs down with streams of water , for the destruction of the daughter of my people. My eye pours down, and doesn’t cease, without any intermission Hosea 12:4   . . . he wept , and made supplication to him. . . . Micah 1:8  For this I will lament  and wail ; I will go stripped and naked; I will howl like the jackals, and moan like the daughters of owls. Zechariah 11:3  A voice of the wailing  of the shepherds! . . . Malachi 2:13  This again you do: you cover the altar of the Lord with tears , with weeping , and with sighing . . . Matthew 26:75  Peter remembered the word which Jesus had said to him, “Before the rooster crows, you will deny me three times.” He went out and wept  bitterly. Mark 14:72  The rooster crowed the second time. Peter remembered the word, how that Jesus said to him, “Before the rooster crows twice, you will deny me three times.” When he thought about that, he wept . Luke 19:41  When he came near, he saw the city and wept  over it Luke 22:62  He went out, and wept  bitterly. John 11:35  Jesus wept . Acts 20:19  serving the Lord with all humility, with many tears , and with trials which happened to me by the plots of the Jews Acts 20:31  Therefore watch, remembering that for a period of three years I didn’t cease to admonish everyone night and day with tears . Acts 20:37  They all wept  a lot, and fell on Paul’s neck and kissed him Acts 21:13  Then Paul answered, “What are you doing, weeping  and breaking my heart? For I am ready not only to be bound, but also to die at Jerusalem for the name of the Lord Jesus.” 2 Corinthians 2:4  For out of much affliction and anguish of heart I wrote to you with many tears  . . . Philippians 3:18  For many walk, of whom I told you often, and now tell you even weeping , as the enemies of the cross of Christ 2 Timothy 1:4  longing to see you, remembering your tears , that I may be filled with joy Hebrews 5:7  He, in the days of his flesh, having offered up prayers and petitions with strong crying and tears  to him who was able to save him from death, and having been heard for his godly fear Hebrews 12:17   . . . he found no place for a change of mind though he sought it diligently with tears . Revelation 5:4  And I wept  much, because no one was found worthy to open the book, or to look in it. Revelation 5:5  One of the elders said to me, “Don’t weep . Behold, the Lion who is of the tribe of Judah, the Root of David, has overcome; he who opens the book and its seven seals.”

Christian Help When Ashamed of One’s Stupid Mistakes How to Live With One’s Idiotic Blunders Shamed & Embarrassed by One’s Own Stupidity Do you ever beat yourself up over past blunders? I know that pain. Even as a Christian, it has taken me a lifetime to break through the agony, but finally I have answers. Although Christians talk a lot about God wiping out past sin, it doesn’t touch my problem. My source of torment is not the things for which Christ was tortured to death to wipe from heaven’s data banks, but all my quirks and slow-mindedness and foot-in-mouth disease. I’m no genius but I have brain waves – my brain waves goodbye and returns in time to find another reason to be red-faced for the rest of my natural life. How do I live with myself when the issue is not sin but my own stupidity – all the times I’ve made a fool of myself, humiliated myself, shamed myself? Some people reach the point where they can look back on their slips and laugh. Not me. Whenever haunted by a memory of any of the embarrassingly many idiotic things I’ve done, I feel like shriveling up and wishing it were possible to die of embarrassment. What of all the times I have been just too dumb to do better – especially on the spur of the moment, but sometimes even after enormous effort? And then there’s everything about me that makes me weird, unpopular, a loser, a social misfit. I don’t even know the latest word for cool but I do know it isn’t me. Given the petty nature of my affliction, you might feel like stoning me for being a wimp. I am not so self-obsessed, however, not to realize that there are some very human slip-ups that cut so deeply as to send even the toughest of us reeling. Longing to lift your spirits, I’ll keep most of this light, but lest you think me insensitive to the horrendous depths to which feelings of shame and remorse can plunge, I’ve scoured my writings for two heart-wrenching examples. I’ll commence with George Whitefield, a world-renowned evangelist who was a contemporary of John Wesley, and almost as famous. When his wife was pregnant with their only child, George Whitefield knew he had heard from God: it would be a boy and this son would become a great evangelist. Newspapers grabbed the story and mocked. Whitefield was unmoved. The whole world could laugh; time would vindicate him. Finally, the baby was born. It died. Doug Hunt, chief pilot for Wycliffe Bible Translators – dead. Dr. Darlene Bee, brilliant linguist and Bible translator – dead. In all, seven mangled corpses lay strewn amongst the aircraft wreckage. All because a missionary-mechanic neglected to tighten a nut. “The funeral was a ghastly ordeal,” confessed the shattered mechanic. “The sight of those caskets lined up . . . hit me like a blow to the stomach. I wanted nothing but to get out of there . . . How could I face my friends? How could I face myself?” Anyone who can keep going after that is not a negligent mechanic. He’s a spiritual giant. “Except for God’s grace,” he later wrote, “I’d be somewhere cowering in a corner in guilt-ridden despair – the eighth fatality of that Aztec crash.” These horrors make my worries seem pathetic. Somewhere in between, however, are disabilities beyond what average people battle. This was brought home to me by a dear friend who for years has been kindly proofreading my webpages. Upon checking this webpage, she shared her private list of frustrating and embarrassing limitations that advancing years have placed on her. For most of my life, I’ve been plagued by some sort of chronic fatigue that annoys me greatly, but there is no denying that I’ve had it easy, relative to many people. What makes this webpage important is that having limitations beyond the norm is challenging enough, without twisting the knife by tormenting ourselves over them. If you belong to the in-group, or can look into the past and giggle at your faux pas, or you are not continually battling feelings of inferiority, inadequacy and stupidity, this webpage has little to offer. I’m writing for people who are squirming, even decades after the event, over their limitations or unintended acts of stupidity. This is a matter so little mentioned in Christian circles that I have no idea how many of us there are. What I do know, however, is that someone who is literally a genius responded to one of my webpages and began sharing his heart. Especially considering all the dumb things I’d done, I am jealous of his astonishing intellect. Even he, however, has suffered horrifically as someone who doesn’t fit in. In his case, it is precisely because he is so smart. It might be 90% illusion, but the other guy’s grass always looks greener. I know someone who, from puberty onwards has been tall, which further accentuates the fact that he is abnormally skinny and he has no other redeeming physical features. He has no fashion sense, nor any interest in it. He considers clothes not worth wasting money on and, even when he considers himself well-dressed, usually wears the dorkiest second-hand clothes. He has no sporting ability, nor any interest in the subject. Likewise, he has no interest in music or movies. For most of his life, he was agonizingly lonely and desperate for a girlfriend, but was always too scared to ever ask anyone for a date because he was sure no one would say yes. He was always the odd one out and never grew out of it. Now it’s time to confess that I’m referring to me. I’m such an oddball that I never want to talk about myself because it would depress me, let alone anyone having to hear me. I’m not interested in a pity party. It just seems necessary, for the sake of this webpage, to be honest with you. I’ve crammed the following with humor, lest my confessions make someone cringe to death but, for me, this has been a painfully serious matter that has haunted me all my life, despite my every effort to push it from my consciousness. Although I hate talking about myself, it is my conviction that sharing my journey with you will help you see not just the pitfalls of letting oneself be tormented by the past, but will also reveal the solutions. That way, you’ll be able to find the road to peace and fulfillment much quicker than I did. My life has produced a spectacular array of things to beat myself up over. Mostly, in the grand scheme, they are ludicrously insignificant things, and yet they claw at me as if they really mattered. Often, it is things done decades ago – a slip of the tongue, or whatever – but whenever my spinning mind slows until it lands on the memory, I feel as much shame and torment as I would if it had just happened. I have all the answers for anything that could be called sin – things that I could claim forgiveness for – but what I kept floundering over was how to cope with my own inadequacies. Close to twenty years ago, the Associate Editor of a national Christian magazine e-mailed me, saying she would like to join my ministry’s prayer team. Deeply honored and anxious to impress, I immediately e-mailed her back, saying among other things, that I expected she was very busy. Well, that was the plan. If you know the saying, “The best-laid plans of mice and men . . .” you’ll have an inkling where this is heading. Have you heard of Murphy’s Law? (“Anything that can go wrong will go wrong.”) It’s actually my biography. They must have changed the name as an act of mercy. Anyhow, by Murphy’s Law t and y are right next to each other on the keyboard. My finger slipped, hitting both keys at the same time. I had just told the woman behind this significant Christian publication, “I guess you are very busty.” (Why are rocks so hard to find when you need to crawl under one?) This is one of the rare cases I can actually laugh about. I happened to catch the blunder seconds before clicking Send. Otherwise, it would have been tacked on to my nearly endless list of foibles and rattle-brained antics; the memory of which orbit my head, ready to re-enter my consciousness to torment me whenever I’m alone with my thoughts. I continually limit myself to writing because if I spend enough hours on a paragraph, I might come across as adequate. In any other situation, it’s immediately obvious that I don’t fit in. I finally married – in my mid-fifties, would you believe (I lived with my mother until then – don’t even go there). And I was forced into retirement due to health issues. Nowadays, I’ve become such a recluse that I sometimes go for months without speaking face to face to anyone except my wife and an occasional bare minimum to a shop assistant if I buy something. To quote what I wrote decades ago (feel free to slide down if you have already seen it): Of my legendary brain malfunctions, you’ll squeeze just one example from me. Divulge more, and I’d be sentenced to wearing a paper bag over my head for the rest of my natural life – and that’s a prospect I don’t relish, no matter how much you think it improves my looks. I was about to go home when a manager said he couldn’t start his car. Some idiot had left the headlights on. Suddenly my nerves thought I’d caught malaria. That morning I had tested the lights of our entire vehicle fleet. “That’s funny,” added another manager, “I can’t start my car either – battery’s dead.” (It was definitely malaria, maybe yellow fever as well.) Up walked another manager – and was that another one behind him? I’ve got a mechanical mind; it’s just that the gears have jammed. When I have mistake and onions it’s neither rare nor well done. And just when I’ve had my fill I’m forced to eat my words. And that’s only the entrée. Somehow I always end up in the soup and have to pay for it. Humble pie follows with a generous serve of raspberries and I scream. I make more slips than a 1950’s lingerie company. As my mind lurches from one goof-up to the next, I fill with despair. Then I limp to the Bible and find comfort. I bump into Isaac, who blessed the wrong twin; (Genesis 27:21-35) and Jacob, the scheming mummy’s boy, who had to marry his sister-in-law to patch up his first mistake (Genesis 29:20-28). I hear Job clawing for words to recount the tragedy that marred his childhood – he was born alive (Job 3:1-19). I see Saul hiding amongst the baggage; (1 Samuel 10:22) David squabbling with his brothers; (1 Samuel 17:28-29) Jonah bewailing the death of a weed; (Jonah 4:7-9) Thomas poking holes in Jesus’ side (John 20:24-25). I don’t know that they had pogo sticks back then, but if they did, they played under the table for too long. Hard-boiled? These egg-heads were always in hot water. Whenever they had a brainwave heaven ducked for cover. Of course, Solomon had a good head on his shoulders – a cute brunette one night, a redhead the next. I think he ended up counting his wives and kissing his money. Jesus hand-picked the quiet, intelligent type. When they were quiet, they were intelligent. They spent the rest of their time turning howlers into an art form. Their business cards must have read Bloopers for Every Occasion. There were the sons of blunder, James and John, armed with tongues programmed to shoot first and ask questions at the inquest. Those thunder-heads even thought the Prince of Peace was into star wars (Luke 9:54). Then there was Peter, whose mouth went into spasms whenever his brain died. He always spoke with his mouth full, and still found room for the other foot. (Any normal sized mouth would have had corns.) You were sure to find this crying shame somewhere between boo-boo and boo-hoo. And while our silver-tongued, lead brained hero was doing what came naturally, everyone else was scrambling to prove they had the IQ of a doughnut hole. Who could forget that ridiculous prayer-meeting when the maid left Peter locked out in the cold, the pray-ers thought the maid had gone around the twist for being so stupid as to think their prayers had been answered, and they finally made the brilliant deduction that the guy, who looks and sounds like Peter bashing on the door, must be Peter’s angel (Acts 12:12-16)? They believed in keeping their brains in ‘as new’ condition. Remember the dozer with the window seat who fell three floors to sleep during Paul’s sermon (Acts 20:9)? They make that drop-out look like a genius. Paul wasn’t kidding when he said that by normal standards few of the Corinthian Christians were wise (1 Corinthians 2:26-27). If they were anything like the rest, you could pool their intellects and not have enough to power a headache. I could put my feet up with folks like that. And what fires me is that these scatter-brains are God’s sort of people – the type through whom he changes the world. Christians squabble over whether tongues have ceased, but no one doubts that signs and blunders are with us still. The centuries have made Christians no brighter, nor any less treasured by heaven. My favorite is Dwight Moody. He hated his first name, pronounced Jerusalem in two syllables, and wrote without a speck of punctuation. Can you guess the words he was attempting to spell in the following: sucksead, beleave, shure, clurks, bead, hav, don, bimb bi, peter? (Succeed, believe, sure, clerks, bed, have, done, ‘by ‘n by’, better.) “I am getting over the difficulty,” said middle-aged Moody about his spelling, “I am always sure of the first letter and the last . . . ” Such shortcomings are endearing. To scorn them is to act like a thirteen-year-old despising childish behavior in his little sister – behavior that more mature people find adorable. Had we a massive intellect and love approaching that of our great King, we would not only discern the frailty of even the greatest earthly minds, we would probably feel as warmly about their foibles as we do about those of the cutest child. Yep, that’s what I wrote. And did I take it to heart? Nope. In the above, I had amassed an impressive stockpile of powerful ammunition for us not-quite-geniuses. Unused weapons, however, will keep no one safe. I might, for a while, have used these truths to fight the inferiority and inadequacy that plagues me, but instead of relentlessly persisting, I gradually let them drift from my consciousness. Let me explain my error so that I can spare you years of having things gnaw at you. When God’s people entered the Promised Land, do you recall how critical it was that they remove not just most of the enemy but every trace of them, and how not doing so brought enormous problems upon themselves? Should they compromise on totally obliterating the enemy, here’s what the Lord declared would happen: Joshua 23:13 know for a certainty that the Lord your God will no longer drive these nations from out of your sight; but they shall be a snare and a trap to you, a scourge in your sides, and thorns in your eyes, until you perish from off this good land which the Lord your God has given you. Like eradicating cancer, no matter how great an achievement it might seem to remove 99% of the enemy from our lives, it is not enough. The little that is left is deadly. Give us an inch and we’ll take a mile is virtually our enemies’ manifesto. Any thinking that does not line up with how God sees us is a treacherous foe that must be continually fought until it is utterly defeated and permanently evicted. Instead of ruthlessly eradicating wrong thinking from my life, however, I learned to live with it. Rather than live victoriously, I came up with workarounds that made the affliction more tolerable. Letting wrong thinking harass me had become so much a part of me that I was barely aware of how needlessly crippled I really was. I certainly didn’t thrive, but I survived the attacks that haunted me, by cramming my little mind with so much that there was seldom any room left for all the things queuing up to bite me yet again. I inevitably wake up several times in the night. Most days, I’m working on a webpage, and so as soon as I wake, my mind immediately drifts to my latest writing project. Before long, I would find myself jotting down new thoughts, instead of my mind slumping to sources of torment from my past. When I was up, I avoided mindless tasks like exercise or housework (“Very convenient,” you say) or I would soon be squirming over something embarrassingly idiotic I did ten or twenty or thirty or more years ago, or lamenting my frustratingly many limitations or all my hopes and dreams that have not materialized. I tried to devote every waking moment to ministry. I not only wanted to give the Lord my utmost, it kept me distracted from thoughts that dragged me down. Being alone with my thoughts was so torturous, however, that when my mind was too weary to engage in more ministry, I felt forced to waste my time watching mindless television to keep the memories and depressing thoughts at bay. Lately, however, I’ve been having significant problems sleeping; leaving me too exhausted, even when I’m out of bed, to keep pesky thoughts at bay by burying myself in perpetual ministry. Adding to my self-doubt was that although I once used to receive a stream of encouraging e-mails from people saying how much they were helped by my webpages, it has now virtually dried up, exposing fertile soil in which to sow dark thoughts. Actually this is such an appalling source of agony that I recoil from going near it, least I slide into a bottomless hole of depression. I have been pouring my life into publishing webpages on the Internet for over twenty years and for years before that devoted every moment I could scrounge preparing for it. Expressing my love for God this way is all I have lived for. I’ve removed none of them but kept faithfully adding still more. Whereas once God powerfully used them to touch needy hearts, however, readership has been seriously declining for years, leaving me reeling in bewilderment. All these afflictions might be labelled an attack of the enemy – and on one level it was – but it has proved itself a precious gift of God because it prevented me from resorting to my old ways of tolerating, rather than defeating, my negative thoughts. I personally know very many precious people who suffer horrific battles with memories of past trauma, such as rape, physical torture, and so on. I can understand that. My heart goes out to them. But who would have thought someone could be tormented for decades over social slip-ups that everyone but him has most likely forgotten? Is this as pathetic as it sounds? With exhaustion stripping me of my usual coping mechanisms, it became undeniable that if someone wanted to torture me, he could forget the cattle prod, waterboarding, and so on. All it would take is to put me in solitary confinement and let me torture myself with my own memories and putdowns. It’s ridiculous, but I would be in agony within an hour. I recall Jesus in the wilderness, Moses alone in the desert tending his father-in-law’s sheep (Exodus 3:1), David’s countless hours as a shepherd boy (1 Samuel 17:34), and so on. Being alone with my thoughts, like they must have been, would be horrific for me. Something must be very wrong with me to react this way. It cannot be natural, nor consistent with God’s wishes for me. The Lord had to let things become almost intolerable before I finally came to my senses and realized that this is so contrary to God that it must be an attack of the enemy. Still more disturbing is that I had been agreeing with the enemy – in effect, telling myself yes, I’m stupid; yes, I’m a social reject; yes, I have atrocious limitations – instead of refusing to entertain these accusations, and going on the attack when these thoughts come. I know as well as you that God’s Word says resist the devil, and he will flee (James 4:7). But instead of resisting his lies, making him feel like an unwanted intruder, here was I agreeing with the enemy. A chill swept through me when I realized how agreeing with him was not only siding with the Evil One, but making him feel welcome. In fact, although I’m ashamed to put it this way, I was virtually falling at the Devil’s feet and worshipping him as a source of truth. Jesus – the one I’m meant to model my life on – fought the devil’s lies; citing Scripture’s truths over and over when tempted in the wilderness. “It is written . . . it is written . . .it is written . . .” was his response (Matthew 4:4, 6, 10). And finally, “Get behind me, Satan!” It hit me that instead of trying to avoid the accusations by frantically cramming my mind with other things, I needed to face this lifelong problem head-on. I needed to stop being bullied by monstrous thoughts and reverencing them as truth. I needed to rise up in my Christ-bought authority and defeat this foe. Anything less is an insult to the One who paid such a horrendous price so I could live in victory. We know how Scripture says we wrestle not against flesh and blood but against dark spiritual powers (Ephesians 6:12). You might also recall how it calls the devil the Christians’ accuser (Revelation 12:10). It took me far too long to realize that what seem like self-accusations must surely be spiritually powered by the Evil One and his cohorts. They love to camouflage themselves and hide in the shadows, but just as evil lurks behind temptation and condemnation, so it is with beating ourselves up over our limitations, goof-ups and so on. I’m not referring to demon possession or anything kinky. I was no more possessed than the Spirit-filled apostle, who was tormented by an angel/messenger of Satan (2 Corinthians 12:7), or the holy Son of God, who in the wilderness was needled by Satan himself (Matthew 4:1). Nevertheless, just as good exists, so does evil. The ultimate source of good is God, who not only has supernatural power and intelligence, but also works through various lesser intelligences (angels and people) as well as impersonal agencies in nature. Likewise, behind evil is the Devil, a supernatural being who employs various intelligences and impersonal forces to execute his plans. If modern nations at war try to demoralize their enemies by what is sometimes called psychological warfare – and even the Bible cites instances of it being used to try to weaken God’s people and incite them to surrender (Examples) – surely evil spiritual powers will try similar attacks on God’s people today. Want it or not, realize it or not, this means every person on earth is in a spiritual war zone. Rather than being hapless victims of a battle between spiritual superpowers, however, everyone who is united to Christ is not only on the winning side, but a powerful combatant in this war. For every Christian, battling a demon is like confronting an armed intruder. As menacing as he seems, he is no match for you because no matter how armed to the hilt he seems, all his guns are empty, and yours are loaded. Just squeeze the trigger and he is doomed. The one thing keeping the outcome from being a foregone conclusion is that, from a distance, loaded and unloaded guns look the same. Your enemy has the audacity to pretend to have the upper hand, in the hope of fooling you into thinking the situation is reversed – that his guns are loaded and yours are empty. For as long as his bluff works, he can relax and bully you as much as he likes, but the moment he realizes that someone knows the real situation, even the most powerful demon is terrified of the weakest Christian. The Devil is the deceiver. He beguiles. But that is all he can do. He is powerless to change spiritual reality. He cannot undo Christ’s stupendous victory on the cross that defeated evil powers, secured our forgiveness and enabled God to pour out all his blessings upon us. The Evil One cannot stop God from believing in us, loving us with all he has, and wanting the best for us. All he can do is to try to dupe us. He is amazingly skilled at it, however. He longs to mess with our heads; enticing us to feel useless, to feel hard done by and resent God and other people. If we believe his lies, we will end up as confused as a painfully thin anorexic hounded by the lie that she is fat. We all know that anorexia is not just torturous but life-threatening. Likewise, the enemy of our souls and his minions want not just to afflict us, but disable us and even, if they possibly can, reduce us to being physically or spiritually suicidal. I’m not at all aggressive, but when my eyes were finally opened to the tricks those slimy con artists had been playing at my expense, I was peeved enough to want to confront them. It would probably have been appropriate for me to be even more angry at them, but I was annoyed enough to relish the thought of them daring to attack me yet again so that I could inflict a stinging rebuke on the sleazy liars behind these attacks. Astonishingly, however, the attacks immediately ceased. Those cowardly fiends were nowhere to be found. To provide examples for this webpage, I have tried recalling embarrassing events that used to hound me, and to my bewilderment, I cannot even recall most of them, and the few I can recall no longer sting. I was taken aback, and even disappointed, because I was itching for a fight. Apparently, they sensed their cover had been blown and that I was ready to go on the offensive and so they backed off. I had expected it would take a prolonged battle to send them fleeing but I was determined to keep resisting them for however long it took to thoroughly whip them. I confess to being a novice in spiritual warfare. My every other battle has been protracted and I expect that this is the norm, at least until we become experienced and confident in sending demons skedaddling. If they sense they might be able to bluff their way into staying, they will try their hardest to hang around, in the hope that we give up and let them stay. In a tiny area of my life, those scammers had managed to make me their plaything by concealing their identity, but now that they had been unmasked it seems they feared a front-on attack. Another possibility is that the Lord graciously gave me a taste of what it is like to be free from accusations I had been foolishly accepting as truth, and this taste of freedom has made me more determined than ever to never again let myself engage in self-condemnation. Whatever the reason, though somewhat mystified by this remarkably easy transformation, I know enough about spiritual warfare to understand that demons loathe losing their chumps/victims. In fact, they hate losing, period. Even with the undefeated Son of God, Satan tried not one, not two, but three different attacks in the wilderness and even then, left him only “until another time” (Luke 4:13). Since the cross has rendered every evil power a defeated foe, and the weakest Christian who realizes this can whip their hide, they quake in terror. However, our spiritual enemies have had more than enough experience with humans to know that if they have fooled us in the past, there’s a good chance we will eventually lose sight of our new revelation and we will slide back into letting them fool us again: Luke 11:24-26 The unclean spirit, when he has gone out of the man, passes through dry places, seeking rest, and finding none, he says, ‘I will turn back to my house from which I came out.’ When he returns, he finds it swept and put in order. Then he goes, and takes seven other spirits more evil than himself, and they enter in and dwell there. The last state of that man becomes worse than the first. Nevertheless, it doesn’t matter if the demon returns with an entire battalion of reinforcements, they are still demons that Christ has utterly defeated, and Christ is in every Christian. The only concern is whether we let them bluff us into not using our Christ-bought authority. Since they are already conquered, demons have no option but be cunning. They love sneak attacks when we least expect them; when we are most vulnerable and least prepared. They are therefore likely to attack when I’m half asleep or below par. To leave everything until then to work out how to send them fleeing would be foolish. So I resolved to fully prepare myself for the next battle by building myself up right now and planning my counterattack ahead of time. I recalled this Scripture: Revelation 12:10-12 I heard a loud voice in heaven, saying, “. . . the accuser of our brothers has been thrown down, who accuses them before our God day and night. They overcame him because of the Lamb’s blood, and because of the word of their testimony. . . .Woe to the earth and to the sea, because the devil has gone down to you, having great wrath, knowing that he has but a short time.” The great news is that the devil has no divine authority for his accusations. Heaven has shut its ears. In fact, it has thrown him out. That does not mean he has stopped slandering us – actually, we can expect him to redouble his efforts because “he has but a short time” – but if heaven refuses to accept what he says about us, why should we? In fact, how dare we? Dare we exalt “the father of lies” (John 8:44, many translations) as a source of truth, in defiance of our Lord who is truth? Instead of tolerating his accusations, we must go on the offensive and keep attacking him until he eventually flees. But how do we do this? I believe we need a three-pronged attack. 1. Preemptive Prayer By this, I mean making the most of any lull in the battle by prayerfully looking to God to build ourselves up spiritually and obtain from our Lord his strategy for victory. We see this hinted at in such Scriptures as: Luke 21:34-36 So be careful, or your hearts will be loaded down with carousing, drunkenness, and cares of this life, and that day will come on you suddenly. For it will come like a snare on all those who dwell on the surface of all the earth. Therefore be watchful all the time, praying that you may be counted worthy to escape all these things that will happen, and to stand before the Son of Man. Luke 22:40, 44-46 When he was at the place, he said to them, “Pray that you don’t enter into temptation.” . . . Being in agony he prayed more earnestly. His sweat became like great drops of blood falling down on the ground. When he rose up from his prayer, he came to the disciples, and found them sleeping because of grief, and said to them, “Why do you sleep? Rise and pray that you may not enter into temptation.” 1 Peter 5:8 Be sober and self-controlled. Be watchful. Your adversary, the devil, walks around like a roaring lion, seeking whom he may devour. Sometimes we are caught so unaware that we find ourselves in the heat of the battle without having prepared ourselves in this way. At such times, we can still pray quick, urgent prayers, but the ideal is to spiritually prepare ourselves ahead of time. 2. Direct Attack Directly rebuking the enemy – seeing him as a trespasser who has no right to con us into believing his lies, and keep authoritatively commanding him to leave in Jesus’ name until he obeys. For more on this see the Spiritual Warfare: Turning Spiritual Attack into Victory link at the end of this page. 3. Praise Psalm 149:6-9 May the high praises of God be in their mouths, and a two-edged sword in their hand; To execute vengeance on the nations, and punishments on the peoples; To bind their kings with chains, and their nobles with fetters of iron; to execute on them the written judgment. All his saints have this honor. . . . The final prong of our attack is to keep praising our Lord until we actually rejoice and delight in the very things that used to make us cringe. At first thought, this seems not only ludicrous but almost impossible. So I must explain how I reached this conclusion. I remembered the apostle Paul’s divinely-given strategy when he was tormented (the word used in many translations) by “a messenger of Satan” (2 Corinthians 12:7). The Lord told the apostle, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” (2 Corinthians 12:9). Here’s Paul’s response to this staggering revelation: 2 Corinthians 12:9-10 . . . Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong. (NIV). The mighty apostle was taught of God to glory in his weaknesses and to view them as sources of strength. His weaknesses, and the insults, hardships, opposition, and difficulties he suffered – the very things in his circumstances that he and his observers were tempted to despise – were windows that let the grace of God shine into his life, flooding him with divine blessing and empowering. His weaknesses were his greatest assets? He should exult in his sources of shame? And that applies to us as well? That’s so mind-boggling as to initially send us staggering in disbelief. So let’s walk through this together. I recalled Paul’s previous letter to the Corinthians, where he wrote: 1 Corinthians 1:26-28 Brothers, think of what you were when you were called. Not many of you were wise by human standards; not many were influential; not many were of noble birth. But God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise; God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong. He chose the lowly things of this world and the despised things and the things that are not to nullify the things that are (NIV). The Word of God authoritatively pronounces that the things that caused most of its readers to be despised by others were indeed things to celebrate. They are, in fact, the very things that caused them to be divinely chosen. Again we read: Matthew 11:25-26 . . . Jesus answered, “I thank you, Father, Lord of heaven and earth, that you hid these things from the wise and understanding, and revealed them to infants. Yes, Father, for so it was well-pleasing in your sight. . . .” Who would want to join the ranks of “the wise and understanding” who miss out on divine revelation? Here’s yet another indication how status, even in the eyes of the apparently godly, can be a significant spiritual disadvantage: Luke 4:25-27 But truly I tell you, there were many widows in Israel in the days of Elijah, when the sky was shut up three years and six months, when a great famine came over all the land. Elijah was sent to none of them, except to Zarephath, in the land of Sidon, to a woman who was a widow. There were many lepers in Israel in the time of Elisha the prophet, yet not one of them was cleansed, except Naaman, the Syrian.” In both cases, it was Gentiles – people God’s chosen thought of as rejects – who received miracles, not those everyone considered more worthy. Yet another time, Jesus said: Luke 6:26 Woe to you when all people speak well of you . . . (NET Bible and several other versions) In fact, he went so far as to say: Luke 16:15 . . . For that which is exalted among men is an abomination in the sight of God. Earlier I provided a long list of hare-brained acts of Bible saints. Let’s also remember that the Almighty has an exceptionally long history of choosing no-bodies. Consider, for example: * Moses, the stutterer, who felt so useless he almost rejected his calling (Exodus 4:10) . More about this. * Gideon, who upon being called a “mighty man of valor” (Judges 6:12) told the angel of the Lord, “. . . how shall I save Israel? Behold, my family is the poorest in Manasseh, and I am the least in my father’s house” (Judges 6:15). In fact, his greatest obstacle was not that the army he eventually mustered was hopelessly outnumbered, but that it was not pathetic enough (Judges 7:2) and had to whittled down from twenty-two thousand (Judges 7:3) to a mere three hundred (Judges 7:7). * Saul, who likewise told the God who was calling him, “Am I not a Benjamite, of the smallest of the tribes of Israel? And my family the least of all the families of the tribe of Benjamin? . . .” (1 Samuel 9:21). He was so shy when he was about to be proclaimed king that no one could find him, until the Lord told them he was hiding among the baggage (1 Samuel 10:22). That’s an act that would have haunted me for the rest of my life. * Isaiah, overwhelmed by his “unclean lips” (Isaiah 6:5). * Jeremiah who, upon his calling, replied, “Ah, Lord God! Behold, I don’t know how to speak; for I am a child” (Jeremiah 1:6). * Amos, who declared, “I was no prophet, neither was I a prophet’s son; but I was a herdsman, and a farmer of sycamore figs . . .” (Amos 7:14). * Peter, who commenced his discipleship with the words, “Depart from me, for I am a sinful man, Lord.” (Luke 5:8). * Paul, whose first position in the church was chief persecutor. * For still more on this strong biblical theme, see God’s Favorite People. As explained in the God Isn’t Fair? link at the end of this webpage, whatever causes us to feel inferior, or perhaps envious of other people, can be the very thing that keeps us from falling into pride and compels us to cling so tightly to our Lord that we soar to greater spiritual heights than those who seem to have all the natural advantages, and even seem to have greater spiritual blessings. When praise lifts us from the earthly to the heavenly, we begin to see things from God’s vantage point. And since God is truth, this is a profoundly important perspective. As I continued to let praise take me higher, I looked down on what I was leaving behind and was appalled to see something insidious that, until now, I had been disturbingly blind to. My thinking had been so distorted that, without even realizing it, I had allowed envy and self-pity to fester. Oozing from that ugliness was possibly even a trace of resentment toward my flawless Lord. This Scripture came to mind: Isaiah 45:9 Woe to him who strives with his Maker – a clay pot among the clay pots of the earth! Shall the clay ask him who fashions it, ‘What are you making?’ . . . Remember me saying how the other guy always has the best grass? Dare I give another example of how my warped thinking has fallen for this illusion? Please don’t be offended. I raise this matter only to highlight how wrong my thinking has been, not to say anything sensible about gender. Many women talk about gender inequality and feel hard done by, and maybe they are, but most of my life I have been envious of women and felt the odds are stacked in their favor. There might be less female CEOs but I’d never get anywhere close to being a CEO, no matter what my gender. Many women might earn less than the average man but my salary has always been way below that of the average male and I think the same was true of my father. In fact, I’ve spent my life in jobs where women were given preferential treatment. Moreover, women have significantly longer life expectancies, significantly fewer are incarcerated, they have a lower suicide rate, are much less likely to be loners, and on and on I could go. I raise this only to emphasize that I’m wrong to be envious of others. It’s ridiculously easy to fall into self-pity and slump into despair and resentment and even envy. The truth that praise reveals is that even if you or I were born into the most discriminated-against people-group on the planet – purple-skinned, three-legged giants with iridescent acne, or whatever – the Lord would still treasure us as much as anyone else, and would turn all the negatives around for good until they end up blessing us for all eternity. As, from my new vantage point, I looked upon the ugly tangle of envy, self-pity and a smattering of ill-feeling toward the Perfect One, I realized I had been regularly lopping off this growth’s more obvious tentacles but I had never killed it. More disturbing still: I was no longer dealing with matters that are not sin. I looked to the Holy One, not only for forgiveness but for divine empowering to break through my jadedness to see how hideously wrong I had been. This was not so I could keep sloshing around in the mud of self-condemnation but so I could honor my Lord and shine with his beauty by identifying and eagerly jettisoning everything that needed to go. As I kept looking to God to open my eyes, still more divine insights rose from within – revelations I had recorded decades ago but somehow, through the ravages of time, had faded from my consciousness. They were like polish that removes the grime of lies, enabling the truth to gleam. Those despicable lies must be removed, not only because they slander us but because they slander our Maker, and goad us to think ill of the One whose love, goodness and wisdom are heart-stopping in their perfection. For some of these truths, see More Encouragement. Now, I’m ready for an attack. I’m going on the offensive. When those thoughts come I’m going to rebuke them in the name of Jesus and I’m going to praise God that he loves me and accepts me regardless; that it’s when I’m weak I am strong and that he singles out for special callings those who have inadequacies and seem to have reason for despising themselves.

Understanding Your Partner’s Different Attitude to Talking Getting your man to talk   “   My wife is driving me crazy! All she does is yak, yak, yak!  ” Getting your wife to give you some peace “   My husband won’t talk, he never listens and he won’t even let me talk to my friends!  ” Improving Communication In Marriage After 45 years of marriage, Gwen comments on the webpage: Thank you for your extremely helpful insights on men. I am married to the original strong, silent type, and have experienced years of non-communication in our marriage. It has been extremely hurtful at times, but I wish I had known before what I have now learned. I do love my husband and I am now able to accept that he is not being uncaring as I previously thought. It is a great relief to understand and be at peace about our situation. Now that we have both retired from work, we are obviously spending a great deal more time together, and I am having to come to terms with how we get on. I found your insights very relevant. Having a Dad who was a real chatterbox meant I didn’t have a clue with regard to men like my husband. It amazes me that someone has not written a book pointing out the differences between the way women think and interpret relationships and the way men do. I have read the book Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus but your webpage has been far more helpful and deepened my understanding far more. ‘It has become a wonderful bonding for us,’ writes Whitney: Thank you for such an insightful article! It has helped me to understand my partner. At first, I thought that he was being aloof, so I would let moments of silence linger, waiting for him to talk (I am a public speaker). When he does speak, what he says is so profound and means more to me than hours of idle chatter. Since I have been taking the time to listen, he has opened up more to me than I ever had expected. It made me learn, too, that it is important not to jump in and ruin the opportunity to share in my partner’s deepest thoughts. It has become a wonderful bonding for us. Your article put everything into perspective for me, as I was first confused by him not being as talkative as I. Now, when I am with a man who talks over the top of me, I appreciate my partner that much more! Do All Women Talk More Than Men? Research suggests that the average woman speaks nearly three times as many words per day as the average man. Sex generalizations, however, are riddled with exceptions. As explained in Men: The Simpler Sex? marriages in which the typical gender strengths and weaknesses are reversed can be just as strong, exciting and challenging as other marriages. Since the more talkative partner is often the wife, this is the situation assumed in this webpage. If in your relationship the typical roles are reversed, you will still find the following helpful but in reading it you would have to see yourself as the opposite gender. That is as unfair as the many gadgets designed with only the right-handed user in mind. Just as being left-handed is as valid as being right-handed, so being in a relationship in which the male is the most communicative is as desirable as the opposite. Were it not for the vast numbers of webpages screaming in my head demanding to be written, I would craft a page specifically for these couples. Such a page would be essentially the same, of course, with the words husband and wife interchanged. Understanding ‘The Strong, Silent Type’ Several factors railroad men into acting like the strong, silent type. One reason for many men clamming up is that they feel pressured to perpetuate the illusion that they are not quite human. As women feel shame about exposing stretch marks, so men find it humiliating to reveal their mistakes, fears and weaknesses. They suffer the compulsion to hide their normality because western society usually expects men to be abnormally free from human frailties. The oppressive myth as to what men should be like came about by expecting natural male strengths to be pushed to unnatural extremes. This misconception is so strong that few people seem to realize that what is expected of the normal man is, in fact, not normal. As individuals, men realize they don’t match the myth, but many hold the truth about themselves like a guilty secret, scared that if ever the truth slipped out they would be despised as much as if they suddenly started wearing high heels and dresses. Strength and silence travel together because silence is needed to maintain the illusion of strength. Relative to most men, I have a kamikaze-like willingness to expose my flaws. My unusual behavior is partly driven by a yearning to help others, by understanding the value of the Christian virtues of honesty and humility, and by the realization that I cannot affirm Jesus as the ideal man if I have too negative a view of a man showing emotion. Nevertheless, before anyone shoots from the lip at her husband and implies all one needs is a dose of virtue to be open, we would do well to remember that most women are equally reluctant to humiliate themselves – it’s just that what humiliates women is often of a different nature to what humiliates their husbands. Is anyone who uses makeup to cover up the truth about her skin able to find a firm footing from which to throw mud at a man who wants to cover up certain truths about himself? Both genders find it exceedingly difficult to break the concrete of one’s upbringing and to prise oneself from the unrealistic expectations of society. Furthermore, my own openness is partly due to defeatism – a quality no woman would want in her man. I am more willing than the average man to blab about my weaknesses because I have given up all hope of being popular or being regarded as a good specimen of manhood. The female equivalent is someone who has given up all attempts to make herself look attractive. Unlike me, many men feel they still have a degree of respect in people’s eyes that would be further eroded if the truth got out. Living under such pressure is an enormous burden. Added to this is the even more vexing issue of self-respect. Some men fear they could barely cope with the devastation, should they admit their humanity even to themselves. If they are trying to suppress the truth from their own consciousness, it is little wonder that they have a desperate need to convince others that they have everything under control. The tragedy is that the weaknesses that fill them with shame are a normal part of being human. A female equivalent is women with normal bodies feeling ashamed that they are ‘overweight.’ Women are usually eager to admit to themselves that they have insecurities and so they crave the security that the ‘strong, silent type’ seems to offer them. When they get the man of their choice, however, they find themselves frustrated that he is so silent. Moreover, a wife often keeps her man clammed up because he senses that her need to feel secure and protected is such that despite what she may say, deep down she doesn’t really want to know how weak and vulnerable he is. This is a significant factor that keeps a man from blabbing about his real self. But there is much more keeping him the strong, silent type. The Male Brain Another factor pressuring men to act like the strong silent type haunts me as much as it does other men and it will continue to affect me until I somehow manage to change the physical structure of my brain. Women reading my writings often imagine I would make a better companion than their own husband because I seem articulate. Actually, I am as untalkative (how’s that for a new word?) as the average man, and I assume most men find their verbal inadequacies as frustrating as I do. I labor over words so much that I feel almost forced to write because I am unable to string words together sufficiently to be the conversationalist I would like to be. Nevertheless, my writings demonstrate how much is locked within the average man. There are treasures that a skilful, patient woman could draw out of her man. Brain science has uncovered genuine physiological reasons why talking is more taxing for most men than it is for most women. My sister was wonderfully articulate until struck by a brain tumor that affected her speech. She then started displaying the same sort of difficulties that I have always had. Just as the average woman can have difficulty keeping up with her man when it comes to brisk walking, so men suffer a physical disadvantage that makes it difficult for them keep up with the average woman at talking. When a man in a hurry is walking, his wife will keep up for a while, but in time she might find the pace increasingly uncomfortable. She is likely to tire quicker and begin to lag behind. Likewise, for the average man to keep up with his wife verbally takes a lot of effort and before long he will begin to tire. Women find it confusing that in certain settings men are talkative, giving the impression that their men must have good verbal skills after all. For a short but helpful exploration of why this is, see below: Why the Life of the Party Clams up at Home Many women are bewildered – and even feel hurt – over how their husbands can be the life of the party when socializing and yet when these same men come home all their talkativeness drains out of them. A basic part of our humanity that sets us apart from machines is that our mood and speech dramatically change according to who we are with. This is so powerful that it overrides our conscious ability to control the way we act and speak. To realize how radically our verbal behavior can change, picture yourself communicating with: * someone on his deathbed * a friend on cloud nine over having recently fallen in love * a child being continually naughty * a cute, happy baby * a baby who won’t stop crying * a criminal threatening you with a knife * a head of state * a beggar * a friendly pup * a snarling guard dog To the eyes of an observer, our personality instantly changes according to who we are with. The effect is so overwhelming that even if we forced ourselves, we could not stop our speech patterns from altering according to the situation we find ourselves in. I believe a common reason for some men being talkative in some social settings but monosyllabic at home is because being in a situation where it seems likely that people will think you witty and intelligent and hang on to your every word, creates a natural chemical high that temporarily increases one’s verbal fluency. Just as stage fright significantly lowers one’s ability to speak, so there are other situations that temporarily boost a person’s ability to speak. We know that with a rush of adrenalin a person temporarily gains new powers – heightened alertness, quickened responses, increased strength. We also know that the artificial chemical high of alcohol can ‘loosen one’s tongue.’ So it seems a good guess that just as some social situations can lower one’s ability to speak, so certain situations can – depending on the individual – release chemicals into the brain that heighten one’s ability to speak. These, however, are only short-lived states of mind. They cannot forever override one’s natural ability. So there are limits as to the long term miracles a person can perform in making a loved one talkative. Nevertheless, there are some things that a partner can do. Just as being with people who regard one as being witty and intelligent can boost one’s talkativeness, being with a partner who groans at one’s jokes and does not hang on to one’s every word, dampens one’s talkativeness. Suppose you are coming home, feeling very romantic and wanting to tell your partner how much you love him/her. You find your partner alone and immediately launch into what you intend to be a stream of sweet nothings. ‘Darling . . .’ you commence. ‘What now !’ angrily snaps your partner. Wouldn’t that stream of romantic words suddenly dry up? One’s perception of a person’s receptivity to what one says, dramatically affects one’s talkativeness. Many a wife has found that she cannot suddenly wrench herself into the mood for physical lovemaking with a husband who at other times has been treating her coldly. Likewise, a man cannot suddenly become relaxed and talkative with a wife who at other times has not treated him as witty and exciting to listen to. It is obvious that just as a man cannot continually be on a talkative high, so a wife cannot maintain the intensity of attentiveness to her husband’s every word to the same degree that people can who only occasionally hear this man speak. You can raise your husband’s talkativeness, but both of you have limits as to how far you can take this. Consider this analogy: especially in the early days of marriage, some young men have such a raging sex drive that they always seem in the mood for that side of marriage, whereas their new brides might occasionally match their husbands’ passion but usually everything has to be just right for them to be as quickly aroused as their husbands. Similarly, some women are quickly in the mood for talk but to get their husbands in the mood usually requires creating a conducive atmosphere and skilful selection of the right moment. A wife cannot expect much from her husband when, for example, he is tired or preoccupied or the subject does not animate him. Every time a woman seizes the right moment to draw her husband into conversation will become a valuable time of bonding that will build her husband’s desire to share with her on future occasions. Conversely, whenever she squanders a critical moment by talking too much or crushing his feelings, it will not only gag him that time but it will make him more withdrawn on other occasions. Most wives who complain about their husbands not talking are unaware that for years they have contributed to the problem. Opposites Attract I once had a talkative woman in my life. I was drawn to her precisely because of her talkativeness. It meant there were no uncomfortable silences in our conversation. In time, however, the one-way nature of our conversation began to wear me down. Eighty percent of our conversation seemed to be her talking without her making the slightest attempt to ask about me. I felt the need for her to draw words out of me, like a masseuse easing tension out of a taut body. Even though we were exceptionally close friends, I still needed the assurance that I wasn’t imposing myself upon her by talking about myself or expressing my views. Perhaps, like men tend to assume their wives no longer need to be told they are loved, she kept assuming I didn’t need the invitation to speak, despite all my attempts to explain my need to her. Even on the rare occasions she managed to think to ask, “How are you?” I would commence by giving the off-hand reply that most people expect when they ask that question. I hoped she would question me further, indicating a desire to really know about me, but she very rarely did. I believe she loved me deeply, but her need to talk seemed to swamp any desire to hear from me. I felt it was impolite to interrupt her, and usually her torrent of words meant that unless I were to interrupt and change the subject, I would have to wait half an hour or more into a conversation before a brief lull would allow me raise a subject of my own. Occasionally, I had something I particularly wanted to share with her but after the passing of such a period of time before my first opportunity to say anything, my yearning to share had sometimes completely drained from me. I was content when her monolog featured significant matters but by the time her talking had degenerated to inconsequential things, with still no invitation for me to speak, I was feeling that she considered it more important for her to jabber on about utter trivia rather than think of asking what was going on in my life. I’m sure her perception of her behavior was very different to the way I saw it. I knew she cared and so I kept tolerating her behavior, and yet it still took its toll on our friendship. Of course, if he is willing to wait long enough, there are plenty of silences in a marriage during which a husband can have his say, but there are critical times when a man wants to share and if these occasions are missed he may well lose interest in talking when an opportunity finally arrives. So when a husband and wife get together after being separated for a few hours, it is good for the wife to ask how her husband is feeling and what he has experienced, and to show genuine interest by gaining eye contact and acting as if she is hoping for an answer. Often the man will not have much to say, but occasionally he will, and those times need to be nurtured. Another habit to avoid is finishing his sentences for him. You might think you are helping but you are sending the message that he is verbally inadequate and that you are getting impatient with him. At times you’ll guess wrongly and only distract him and slow down his thinking process. Wives Can Help – Or Hinder There is a mysterious factor affecting how talkative a man is. Occasionally, I have met someone who almost miraculously turns me into a chatterbox. Normally, I would be bored talking about myself – after all, I am learning nothing new by the exercise – but with these people I have had a nearly uncontrollable desire to talk. I feel uncomfortable about hogging the conversation. To me, it feels ill-mannered and self-centered and I genuinely regret learning less about the other person than if I had spoken less, and yet still these rare people draw from me a torrent of words. I doubt that I have identified all the elements involved, but a key factor is that these people seem to listen intently. They seem to hang on to my every word, giving non-verbal signals, such as laughing at the right times, that make me feel I’m a witty, almost fascinating, conversationalist. Their interest is so convincing that it dispels my normal reservations. These people are not particularly talkative, so they allow lulls in the conversation that give me time to collect my thoughts and proceed. A more talkative person would jump in at that point and by their comments unintentionally take the conversation in a slightly different direction, causing me to lose my train of thought and hence lose the opportunity to contribute to that part of the conversation. Long silences in conversation make me feel uncomfortable, but with these people there are little silences in which they look to me in expectation of me saying something of value and, surprisingly, words come from my mouth. So if you want your partner to talk more, listen hard. Hang on his every word. Value what he says. Agree with him as much as you possibly can. The very thought probably annoys you. ‘He doesn’t do that to me,’ you object. That is unfortunate. Realistically, however, which of you most needs to be coaxed to talk more? In many countries where narrow vehicular tracks wind up mountains, the road rule is that vehicles going down must give way to ones going up. This is a matter of common sense and courtesy, because it is much easier for a descending vehicle to start again. Talking is often as easy for women as coasting downhill, whereas for men it is like lumbering uphill. So, in conversation, a wise woman aware of her verbal superiority will give way to a man. Applying the brake frustrates her but she realizes that she finds starting again much easier than her husband does. So she tries not to interrupt him when he is speaking but she lets him interrupt her. This gives him greater ease in sharing and ends up more rewarding for both of them. A wife who leaves her husband only the leftovers in conversations – the times she has lost interest in monopolizing the talking or run out of things to say – has no conception of how much of her marriage’s rich potential she robs herself of. Timeless Wisdom Verbal ability is a beautiful gift, but like a man’s physical strength, it can turn ugly if abused. Here’s some ancient wisdom that applies with equal force to both sexes:  Pleasant words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones.  A man finds joy in giving an apt reply – and how good is a timely word!  A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.  He who guards his lips guards his life, but he who speaks rashly will come to ruin.  Reckless words pierce like a sword, but the tongue of the wise brings healing.  A man of knowledge uses words with restraint . . .  . Even a fool is thought wise if he keeps silent, and discerning if he holds his tongue.  He who answers before listening – that is his folly and his shame. Do you see a man who speaks in haste? There is more hope for a fool than for him.  When words are many, sin is not absent, but he who holds his tongue is wise.  Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry.  A quarrelsome wife is like a constant dripping on a rainy day.  Better to live on a corner of the roof than share a house with a quarrelsome wife.  A gossip betrays a confidence; so avoid a man who talks too much.  Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. SOURCE OF THIS WISDOM Proverbs 16:24 Pleasant words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul, and health to the bones. Proverbs 15:23 Joy comes to a man with the reply of his mouth. How good is a word at the right time! Proverbs 15:1 A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger. Proverbs 13:3 He who guards his mouth guards his soul. One who opens wide his lips comes to ruin. Proverbs 12:18 There is one who speaks rashly like the piercing of a sword, but the tongue of the wise heals. Proverbs 17:27-28 He who spares his words has knowledge. . . . Even a fool, when he keeps silent, is counted wise. When he shuts his lips, he is thought to be discerning. Proverbs 18:13 He who gives answer before he hears, that is folly and shame to him. Proverbs 29:20 Do you see a man who is hasty in his words? There is more hope for a fool than for him. Proverbs 10:19 In the multitude of words there is no lack of disobedience, but he who restrains his lips does wisely. James 1:19 So, then, my beloved brothers, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, and slow to anger Proverbs 27:15 A continual dropping on a rainy day and a contentious wife are alike Proverbs 21:9 It is better to dwell in the corner of the housetop, than to share a house with a contentious woman. Proverbs 20:19 He who goes about as a tale-bearer reveals secrets; therefore don’t keep company with him who opens wide his lips. Ephesians 4:29 Let no corrupt speech proceed out of your mouth, but only what is good for building others up as the need may be, that it may give grace to those who hear. Though thousands of years old, it is astounding to realize that these words have not only been acclaimed throughout history, but they are part of the modern world’s best seller. Like the rest of the Bible, they have truth and divine wisdom stamped all over them. It might seem unfair that whoever finds talking easiest be the one who must keep her foot on the brake, but it makes a lot of sense. The tragedy is that many wives overpower their husbands with their talking skills, unwittingly acting like verbal bulldozers, and then have the hide to blame the men they have crushed, condemning them for finding talking to their wives less than enjoyable. The wisdom of talkative wives giving way to their husbands in conversation applies not just in private but is equally important in public, unless the intention is to turn the man into a social recluse. In fact, for most couples in a group setting, the wife will benefit from working hard at drawing her man into the conversation. Steering the conversation toward subjects that interest him will help. Additionally, she could ask his opinion on whatever is being discussed, unless she thinks the topic of so little interest to him that it would only embarrass him to be asked. When she wants to inform friends about something both of them experienced, she could ask her husband to tell the story and try not to correct or add to his version. A wife with natural verbal superiority need not act this way but, having squeezed him out of much of the conversation, she also need not be surprised when he shows little interest in visiting friends with her. Do Women have a Greater Need to Talk? Another aspect of the gender difference in communicating is that women tend to process things by talking more than men do. The peculiar thing is that talking about a problem helps women resolve the matter even if, unknown to them, the other person is not even listening. More often for men, to talk is merely to repeat what one already knows. This makes it essentially boring and unproductive for the talker. For women, however, talking is closer to thinking out loud – and, of course, thinking about a problem can be very beneficial. While women find talking therapeutic, men typically find it counterproductive. For men it is rarely comforting, nor a relief, to talk about their feelings. Men are almost expected not to have feelings, so for them to reveal the truth about their feelings exposes them to the risk of being regarded as being less ‘masculine’ than men are expected to be. Even reminding himself of his ‘unmasculine’ feelings can depress a man. And, rightly or wrongly, they see talking about past traumas as a failure to get on with life and merely perpetuating their agony. For them, quite a proportion of talk falls into the unproductive category of living in the past, even if the event is only a couple of hours old. In addition, to come home from work and talk about their day is for many men neither relaxing, nor a helpful way to unwind. Instead, they find it a wearying re-living of events, equivalent to having to extend their working day and work without pay at the very time when they most need a break from work. The average man wants to cherish marriage as a haven from the stress and drudgery of his working life. For him, the ideal marriage is an exotic island located far from the pressures of his work; a carefully preserved sanctuary to which he can regularly return and be refreshed. He longs for his marriage to be a haven of peace in the midst of a war torn world; a cozy place where he recharges by putting everything unpleasant out of his mind and relaxes by enjoying a well-earned break with his wife, whom he regards as his best friend. To deliberately spoil this paradise by introducing to it dreary talk of one’s workaday life and problems is, for him, almost like trampling underfoot that which is holy. If there are aspects of his work that he regards as exciting, they might be acceptable to share with his wife, but if to him it is a gray subject, he would prefer not to dull his marriage with it. If a woman is hoping to find help in coping with a stressful job by talking about it with her partner each time she had a tough day, my immediate reaction is, ‘That poor guy!’ Hopefully, he has little stress in his own life to have the capacity to take on all of hers. A man in this woman’s situation would usually think it his loving duty not to burden his wife with his worries. Gagging himself would be his act of selflessness; his way of honoring his wife and his marriage. A wife, in contrast, might dismiss this as mere escapism. Women often want a sizable part of their marriage not to be a beautiful tropical isle, a sanctuary from their workaday life, but to be a psychiatrist’s couch on which they can verbally work through all their problems and find relief by talking things through. One partner longs to forget problems; the other longs to dredge them up. What is relaxing to one partner, is stressful to the other. And even more threatening to the relationship: what for one is a loving way to treat a partner, seems to the other most unloving. Of prime importance is not deciding whose coping mechanism works best – that itself might depend on one’s gender – but for the couple simply to realize that they have differing aspirations for marriage, stemming from differing strategies for coping with stress, and there is nothing unusual about being in this predicament. Loose Lips? This gender difference in the need to talk manifests itself in yet another frustrating source of marital tension. Some women feel so dependent upon talking about problems in order to think things through and/or gain emotional release, that they feel the need to tell their friends their husband’s most personal and embarrassing secrets – things their men would rather die than confide in their own, most trusted friends, much less have their wife’s friends know. A woman e-mailed a friend, ending with the words, ‘I just needed to bare my soul.’ The problem was she was not just baring her soul, but her husband’s soul; humiliating him and blabbing about his failings, without him even having the opportunity to defend himself. ‘My husband is trying to control me,’ complained a woman, when all he was doing was asking her to keep quiet about aspects of his personal life, in a desperate attempt to maintain a semblance of dignity. A secret might seem minor to the wife, but it is not for any of us to decide how mortifying our partner finds something. No matter how lofty a man thinks his motives are – such as feeling proud of his wife – he has no right to show his friends snap shots of his shy wife naked, or of her when she has just woken up and looks a mess. Likewise, a woman has no right to humiliate her husband by revealing to anyone things he believes should be for her eyes and ears alone. If she does, a man is fully justified in regarding it as a devastating betrayal of trust. And if not even his wife will respect him enough to keep a secret, what hope has he that her friends will have higher standards? This is a most perplexing dilemma because a woman’s need to talk about problems can be so intense that she finds it almost suffocating to be asked to keep a marital secret. A woman’s need to talk with other people is a need that most men do not have and they find it very difficult to understand. In fact, it is a source of great distress to many husbands. I found it amusing – but I’m sure it was far from amusing to him – to read that even a US President was plagued by this problem. Imagine such a respected man entrusted with national secrets and hounded by journalists eager to expose his personal foibles, lumbered with a wife who cannot stop herself telling her friends his most embarrassing secrets! Why Men ‘Don’t Listen’ Comprehending speech is also harder work for men than most women realize. In addition, women seem fascinated by detailed descriptions that bore men to distraction. (Countless couples would chuckle in agreement with the saying, Men go for the headlines; women go for the fine print.) These factors combine to drive men to rest their brains, sliding them into neutral, when women gush words. Unfortunately, the more wives talk what their husbands regard as trivia, the more these men are likely not to be listening when something important is said. (I suggest that when a wife has something of real importance to say that she do something physical to get his undivided attention, such as sit on his lap and establish eye contact. Even this will only work for a couple of minutes before his attention is likely to lapse.) War of Words Yet another reason for men going silent is that they find verbal conflict more upsetting than women do. This has been demonstrated using such objective measures as heart rate and adrenaline levels (see Bob Beale, From Stone Age to Clone Age, Penguin Books). Men are far more easily and deeply hurt by their wives than they will ever allow themselves to show. Because men don’t react to pain in feminine ways, many wives think they have license to keep plunging the knife in. When a wife wants to resolve a marital problem by telling her husband some home truths, it isn’t just escapism that can cause him to go silent or walk away. To a man’s frustration in trying to keep up with his wife verbally, add his physical strength and greater innate tendency to resolve things by physical force, and it becomes in the interest of the wife’s safety that men avoid situations that could lead to heated exchanges. Women fight with their lips - and imagine that infliction of pain is acceptable – but men tend to fight with their fists – and everyone agrees this is unacceptable. I am not for a moment suggesting that women avoid discussing relationship problems with their husbands, but many wives need to do so with a greater gentleness and sensitivity to their husband’s feelings and to never corner their husbands but let their men decide when they need to escape the barrage of words and cool down. Men also typically need longer both to get in touch with their feelings and to express them coherently One woman told me: When my husband gets upset, he tends to do manual things such as clean up, instead of talking. I feel that talking is important, but Jake will not talk until enough time has elapsed for him to feel able to talk. It sometimes drives me crazy, but it is his way of coping and it is important for me to be patient and realize that Jake is hurting. How to Get a Man to Talk Let’s now build upon what we have established and develop practical steps to taking one’s relationship to a new level. For a woman to reveal her body to her husband without shame or trauma, she needs to feel beautiful and feminine. For a man to reveal his heart he needs to feel masculine. If a wife can recall an incident when her man confessed some little weakness, she should make the most of it by building him up and making him feel positive about such sharing. It would be very beneficial for her to recite the incident and say something like: I really admire you for having the guts to be open. You’re so much stronger than all those wimpish men who feel forced to pretend they are tough by hiding their feelings. In my eyes you’re a man’s man and I’m proud of you. And from time to time, especially when her husband opens up a little, she needs to reinforce this. If she does the opposite by labeling him as a man who never expresses his feelings, she will strengthen this self-image and cause him to continue acting this way. The more he knows she sees him as open and articulate, the more inspired he will be to act that way. If, compared to his wife, talking takes a man more effort and he gains less out of the mechanics of talking, then he needs more motivation to talk than his wife does. The best motivation is if talking increases his awareness that he is loved and accepted. Relative to women, the average man is not so interested in spieling off facts or reliving the past or thinking out loud and reducing a person to a mere sounding board. He wants to know that in this lonely world he has someone on his side; that he is understood; that he is truly one with someone. If sharing with his wife increases his feeling that she does not understand him or that she thinks his views are mistaken or thinks him weird or does not share his interests, then not only will he find communication unrewarding, it would increase his pain. Ironically, such communication will make him feel lonelier. It will make him feel a misfit and more isolated. It will make him want to clam up. Many arguments about opinions are not because a man wants to prove his wife wrong but because he yearns for a soul mate. He wants his wife to agree with him, not for the sake of ego but because he longs to feel one with her. He argues not because he loves arguing but because he hates disagreement. It pains him when someone who means much to him is so obviously not one mind with him. Many a man avoids discussion with someone who disagrees with him because the response he gets intensifies his feeling of aloneness. For other men, to stop arguing would mean they have given up hope of changing the person’s view. To them, this is equivalent to giving up hope of finding in marriage the companionship and connectedness they craved. Women who watch soapies and sit-coms or read romantic novels are endangering their marriage, like men ruined by porn who cannot be satisfied with the sight of a normal woman’s body. The men portrayed in romantic fiction are the artificial product of writers who spend hours laboring over words their fictitious characters utter in minutes. These fictional ‘men’ are even less real than the airbrushed, never-aging ‘beauties’ that male users of porn become addicted to. Often a wife’s attitude and expectations have contributed to her husband feeling defeated about how hard it is for him to talk. Many a man has gained the impression that his verbal limitations are yet another thing his wife dislikes about him – or even that she is angry at him for having these limitations. He can feel like someone punished at school for being dyslexic. None of us likes doing anything we have been told we are no good at. It is essential that a wife transform her husband’s attitude to talking from just another duty into something he finds personally rewarding. If a wife seizes occasions when her man utters more than one word, and uses these times as opportunities to affirm that she is loyal to him, proud of his achievements, supportive of his goals, shares his dreams and feels his pain, then talking will begin to seem worth the effort to him. For him to talk more, she must talk less, especially on occasions when he begins to talk. She should try not to always have the last word. She needs to ease off using words and instead put more emphasis on unspoken communication. She should give affirmation to what her man says, not by interrupting, nor by flooding him with words, but by eye contact, intently listening, enjoying his jokes, nodding, smiling, groaning, non-verbally showing concern or delight at the appropriate points in the conversation. She should practice the Bible’s famous advice, ‘Rejoice with those who rejoice and weep with those who weep.’ It is not easy to laugh at someone’s jokes when you have heard them five thousand, six hundred and fifty-four times, but be assured that there are women who will find his jokes hilarious – or will at least act as though they do. He’ll like talking to such women and he will wish he had a wife who makes him feel valued and appreciated like these women do. For two ships to sail in convoy, the faster must reduce its speed to match that of the slower. In the past your husband has tended not to listen because you, the faster talker, have sped off, tiring him out and leaving him behind. If until this point you have often done more than half the talking, begin to correct the imbalance by talking less and listening better. When his words seem to have definitely dried up, ask a relevant question, but don’t act like an interrogator firing questions in rapid succession. Allow pauses in the conversation. Give him time to collect his thoughts. It is much easier to believe that a relative stranger is genuinely interested in what one has to say than it is to believe that the wife one has known intimately for years has permanently changed. Consequently, a flirting stranger has a huge credibility advantage over the sudden change of a wife who for years has been sending negative messages. The flirt is far more likely to have an instant effect on a man’s talkativeness. Nevertheless, the wife who makes permanent changes to the way she treats and reacts to her husband will gradually begin reaping the benefits and will eventually overtake the power of the flirt. It is usually better for anyone planning a permanent change to let the partner know one’s intention, rather than keep the partner guessing as to whether this is an aberration you have no intention of making permanent. If you were to apologize for past behavior – and especially if you were not in the habit of repeating the offence after apologies– a partner would probably be even more convinced that this might be a permanent change, and so accept the new you more quickly and with less skepticism. If a wife fosters the habit of ‘giving right of way’ to her husband when he lumbers uphill with his mouth, and if she regularly shows intense interest and as much oneness with him as she can muster, the result will not be as effective as a brain transplant. Each of us has certain fundamental limitations that no one can change. It will nevertheless be a significant help in making her man more talkative. To the above I suggest you add supernatural intervention. What a staggering thought! What a difference it would make if you could enlist the help of the One who knows every hidden or forgotten or unrecognized cause of your every pain and of your every action – and the One who has equally intimate and exhaustive understanding of your partner! What if the One who created you, loves you and your partner so passionately and longs so much for your marriage to reach its highest pinnacles of fulfillment that he wants to use his infinite knowledge and unlimited power to give you his best? You can soar beyond the confines of what is humanly possible. For an introduction to this fascinating realm, read You can find love: What your fantasies reveal. Windup The gender difference in talkativeness is exciting. The greater the difference, however, the greater the challenge and the more each partner must adapt. There is no need to fall into despair or defeatism. Instead, rise to the challenge. The more you invest in a relationship, the greater the fulfillment and the greater the eternal honor. More in This Series About Understanding Men: Men: The Simpler Sex? "My Husband Never Uses My Name” More by the same author: You can find love What your fantasies reveal Other webpages: Supernatural Solutions for Habits & Things You Dislike About Yourself Putting Holy Fire in Your Marriage Healing from Sexual Abuse Serious, Do-It Yourself Healing From Emotional Pain To God, you are specia l

A woman e-mailed me, saying: My husband never addresses me by name and ceased using my name at least 18 years ago, if not longer. This perplexes me, as even the dog gets addressed by name. What’s the psychology behind this? I know this is not unusual as I worked with another lady who had the same complaint. My Response: Do your children call you by your name? I suspect not. They probably call you Mommy, or something similar. Why? Because it expresses your uniqueness to them. There might be many Marys – or whatever your name is – but they have only one Mommy in the entire world. For them to call you Mary, or Mrs. So-and-so, would seem so formal as to seem disrespectful. Likewise, many a man would feel that to address his wife – the only person he is one with – the same way other people address her would be so formal as to seem a denial of the unique place she holds in his life. I suspect that for your husband, using one’s first name when addressing the person he is most intimate with is inappropriately formal. It is treating you in the same way that virtual strangers treat you. More in This Series About Understanding Men: Men: The Simpler Sex? More by the same author: You can find love What your fantasies reveal Other webpages: Supernatural Solutions for Habits & Things You Dislike About Yourself Putting Holy Fire in Your Marriage Healing from Sexual Abuse   Serious, Do-It Yourself Healing From Emotional Pain To God, you are special