Search Results

Strong Temptation is not Sin Perhaps the most twisted thinking that we Christians commonly fall for is the ridiculous notion that to be strongly tempted to sin suggests a person is unholy. To be tempted is to be attacked by anti-God forces, just as Jesus was attacked. The more one refuses to be defeated, the more furious the fight becomes. Someone who always quickly gives in to the slightest sinful whim will never experience sinful urges with a fraction of the intensity that a more godly person suffers. Picture Jim, a heroin addict reeling in the pangs of withdrawal. Whenever he let himself, he could steal a chemical fix. His flesh craves relief so intensely that the torment could not be greater if he were being flayed alive for his faith and at any time could end his agony by denying Jesus. Nevertheless, moved by his newfound passion for Jesus, he clenches his teeth and endures the horrors. Now see Darren, lounging in idle ease, blissfully unable even to imagine what a torturous craving for a chemical high would feel like. Never in his life has he even been offered an illicit drug. Who is the hero in this story? The one who has never had a drug battle in his life; who thinks his world is coming to an end if he so much as gets a pimple? If, later on, both were actually being tortured for their faith, which of them is more likely to honor his Lord? To be tempted is to be afflicted with ungodly yearnings. It is only when temptation rages – only when sin seems the most desirable thing in the universe – that you have the chance to prove that you are committed to doing God’s will, rather than selfishly following your own desires. If to you a sin seems undesirable, there is nothing heroic in avoiding it. Anyone – even the most self-serving, anti-God person on the planet – would avoid a sin that repulses him. The proof of righteousness is when a person denies himself something his flesh cries out for. Of course, to deliberately stir up a desire for sin is itself sin. I’m not for a moment suggesting you do that. My point, however, is that lack of temptation does not make a person holy, any more than lack of opposition makes one a champion. Lack of desire for sin is no more proof of spiritual life than lack of desire is proof of physical life. Christlikeness means acting like Jesus in Gethsemane sweating as it were drops of blood. Everything within him screamed to flee from God’s will, and yet he forced himself to submit. That, not lack of temptation, is true holiness. Do you think the holy Son of God was tempted to lust? Was Christ tempted to punch someone, to hold a grudge, to be lazy, to swear, to get drunk? That is surely what the Bible means. Hebrews 4:15  For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted  in every way, just as we are  – yet was without sin.  (Emphasis mine.) Temptation occurs when an evil intelligence violates your mind, invading your inner person with its filth. The temptation could be anything that is not in your highest interest. It might be to hate yourself, to over-indulge, to doubt, to smoke, to hold a grudge; the list is endless. It is something that in the short term seems right or desirable but in the long term ends up robbing and hurting you. For brevity, I call the source of temptation Satan, or the devil, although we are more likely to be tempted by one of his underlings than by the Prince of demons himself. To understand the nature of spiritual rape, we need to consider physical rape. I’d rather avoid this distasteful subject, but I feel the need to demonstrate just how disgusting temptation is. Suppose the trusted boyfriend of a virtuous girl one day goes way too far. He forcibly but painlessly immobilizes her and begins to gently and seductively violate her. Her mind is repulsed by what is happening, but her body is designed to respond to certain stimuli by sending pleasure signals to the brain. This physiological fact has nothing to do with her purity or morality. It simply means she is normal. After the ordeal she ends the relationship and yet, for years afterward her sensitive conscience is tormented with false pangs of guilt; wrongly imagining she must have the morality of a harlot to have had her feelings of horror tinged with the slightest feelings of pleasure. She eventually marries but she cannot forget her involuntary bodily reaction to the rape in which pleasure signals were sent to the brain. She so despises herself for feelings she had no control over that she becomes convinced that her husband must secretly loathe her for her past, even though he actually sees his darling as being utterly pure. Despite all her husband’s loving assurances and tenderness, this poor woman so focuses on that awful event that she continues to feel immoral, unloved and unwanted. Overwhelmed by this illusion, she starts telling herself that she has so ruined her life that she could not be more immoral if she became a prostitute. Tragically, after years of such thinking, convinced she is doing her husband a favor, she leaves the man she mistakenly thinks can no longer love her. Finding no other means of support and imagining she has no purity to preserve, this highly moral woman ends up the harlot she wrongly saw herself as being. Sadly, such a route to promiscuity is not uncommon for sexual abuse victims, harassed by false feelings of guilt over the pleasure signals involuntarily sent to the brain when their will was violated. A similar tragedy could be played out in anyone of us if we condemn ourselves over the fact that temptation, by its very nature, makes sin seem enticingly pleasurable. Jesus is the purest person ever to walk this planet: Hebrews 7:26  Such a high priest [Jesus] meets our need – one who is holy, blameless, pure, set apart from sinners, exalted above the heavens. Like us, when the Holy Lord was subjected to the inner urge to sin – a craving to do wrong – it was spiritual rape. His mind and spirit were repeatedly and shamefully violated. You know he emerged from the horrific experience with his purity intact. And, because of him, so can you.   Moreover, ponder the staggering implications of this Scripture:   Hebrews 2:17-18  For this reason he [Jesus] had to be made like his brothers in every way,  in order that he might become a merciful and faithful high priest in service to God  . . . Because he himself  suffered  when he was tempted, he is able to help those who are being tempted.  (Emphasis mine.)   What equipped Jesus for the exalted ministry of being a merciful high priest was not lack of temptation, nor even the mildness of his temptation but that he “suffered” temptation in, to quote from a previously cited verse, “every way, just as we are,” (Hebrews 4:15). Likewise, for his followers, it is suffering temptation to the extreme that, after finally overcoming, empowers with Christlike mercy to minister to others.   So it would be ridiculous to despise yourself when evil thoughts come to you, or when you find yourself longing to do wrong. It simply means that, like God’s holy Son, and all his saints, you have been spiritually molested. Like the most despicable child molester, the Evil One tries to make his innocent victim feel guilty for  his  crime, and for pleasurable feelings he induces. Nevertheless, if you let God have his way, he will turn this ugly assault into something that brings both you and God eternal glory, just as it did for our Lord.   It’s only if you cease trying to resist those evil thoughts and urges, that the harassment could touch your purity. And even if you totally gave in, you would have no rational basis for continuing to imagine you are impure, because the instant you return to your Savior with genuine regret, you are again spotless in the eyes of the Holy One.   Does Satan often appear and speak to you face to face? He’s far too cunning. He speaks in your mind, pretending to be your own thoughts. Disown those thoughts. Refuse to cave in to false guilt.   Imagine how hard it was to tempt Jesus. Satan had to try to persuade the Son of God to act totally out of character. And yet it is exactly the same when the Evil One tempts you. He tries to inflict you with a desire to do something utterly contrary to your nature. The real you is Christlike. From the moment you were born again, Christ took up residence inside you. You gained his goodness, his holy character, his purity of motives, his inexhaustible love. You might have committed a certain sin hundreds of times a year since childhood, and continued for the many years you have been born again. Nevertheless, every time you commit that sin, you are acting out of character. Satan will muster all his brainwashing skills to try fooling you into thinking that sinning is your real nature. You will be like a rape victim plagued by a wrong self-image. This is more than just unpleasant; keep believing that false self-image, and you will end up acting as if it were true. Much of our spiritual success hinges on us fully grasping the enormity of the transformation that took place when we were born again and how special that makes us in God’s eyes.   Facing temptation is engaging in spiritual combat in which victory depends on whether we can trust God to love us enough to be our personal bodyguard. It would be highly dangerous to go into spiritual battle, tragically handicapped by imagining you are one of God’s less loved children. Before engaging the enemy you need the assurance that God’s love for you is so intense that he is fiercely devoted to protecting you. You need to know you are one of God’s favorites, and that he has made you so pure that he is proud of you. If you have the slightest doubt about this, or could benefit from the slightest building up in this area, bookmark this page (or note this website address) so that you can find your way back and go to the following webpages.   You Are loved! To God You Are Special If you feel battered by guilt feelings, there is also a helpful series of beginning with: Handling Guilt

Mysteries in Jesus’ Teaching   The Forgotten Secret of Spiritual Power   The Gateway to Fulfillment and Supernatural Joy     Deny yourself.   Die to self.   Crucify the flesh.   Take up your cross.   A living sacrifice. Dry theology? Outdated platitudes? Spiritual mystery? The heart of Christianity?   This webpage is best understood after reading the previous page,  Spiritual Secrets     The world says  love  yourself,  Jesus says  deny  yourself   Jesus and the entire Bible poured much effort into expounding this concept, but few people grasp what Jesus longs for us to know because it sounds so dreary, even scary, that we are loathe to investigate it. And it is only those who seek, who find. Only if we delve deeply into this truth, will we ever discover how exciting it is.   Denying ourselves makes not the slightest sense until we realize we have a God who is so devoted to us that he eagerly fills us with his goodness when we trust him enough to give him room to move.   Few non-Christians can face the truth of what they are without Christ – morally corrupt and doomed to hell – but true Christians can face the full truth because we know we are  not  without Christ. We can make what to the world seems enormous sacrifices because we have a God who delights in looking after our interests better than we ever could. All our Lord requires is for us to take our hands off the steering wheel of our lives, letting him steer us to eternal fulfillment.   The Perfect Marriage   What is the quickest, easiest way to soar to cloud nine and become wealthy, honored and the envy of millions? Fall in love and become united in marriage with someone rich, famous and adorable. God not only fits the bill like no one else, he has the love and integrity to remain devoted to you forever.   To illustrate the consequences of being spiritually united to Jesus, let’s put it in financial terms, whilst remembering that it applies to your abilities, moral achievements, wisdom, in fact everything about you. You have $154.75 in the bank. Jesus has trillions. He wants to have joint bank accounts with you so that you can enjoy his trillions and delight in them as being your own. Instead of being excited, however, you see problems. You worry about what Jesus might do with your $154.75. And if Jesus really kept his word and you gained his riches, you’re concerned that everyone would know that those trillions became yours only because of Jesus’ generosity and love for you, not because of your hard work or skill. Although you could spend the trillions as if they were yours, you could never be credited with the honor of having earned them. If, however, you refuse to merge Jesus’ assets with yours, you can continue to boast that you have earned every cent you possess. So you have a choice: risk your $154.75 and lose your right to boast that you earned all your money and you will have trillions, or retain your right to boast and you will have $154.75. This creates a dilemma: we like the thought of being rich, but boasting makes us feel good. The Lord gave us feelings and he would like us to enjoy even the nice feeling that boasting creates. Here’s how to do it: “Let him who boasts, boast in the Lord” (1 Corinthians 1:31; 2 Corinthians 10:17). When we truly understand the utter oneness that we have with Christ, boasting about his greatness and perfection will excite us even more than when we used to boast about our own puny achievements.   We all know what a thrilling, fulfilling experience being in love is. It’s not perfect – there is usually a hint of selfishness in being in love – but it is a giant leap in the direction of what the Bible calls dying to self. When in love we hardly think about ourselves other than wanting to make ourselves more desirable for the one we love. Our thoughts and dreams revolve around the other person. There is a huge shift away from ourselves. The one we love becomes the center of our universe. Does this make us feel half dead? Is this losing of our pre-occupation with ourselves a painful, miserable experience? Of course not. Anyone in love has never felt more excited or more alive. Falling in love with the King of kings, the most exciting Person in the universe, is the ultimate solution to self-consciousness and low self-esteem. The answer is not to try to boost ourselves, but to delight in our God and make him the center of our universe; to thrill in his perfection.   Everything you could ever hope for is found in Jesus. Get Jesus and you get honor, knowledge, joy, fulfillment, power – everything. Delight in all his wonderful qualities, knowing that they are all yours because he is yours. Seek any of these without Jesus, however, and even if you temporarily obtain a little, you will eventually end up with nothing.   Scripture indicates that although King David let many of his sons run wild, he carefully trained Solomon from childhood. Presumably, David was grooming Solomon to be king from a young age. Solomon did not take the throne until he was fairly mature. All the ground-breaking work of establishing and structuring the monarchy had already been done by Saul and David. So Solomon had many reasons to be confident that he had all it takes to be a good king. After he had reigned for a while the Lord offered Solomon whatever one thing he asked for. He could have asked for security. A few of his subjects would like him dead, and some foreign countries that were subject to him would like to rebel, whereas some other nations would like to invade and plunder Israel. But he did not ask for security. He could have asked for world-wide fame. But he didn’t. He could have asked for wealth. But he didn’t. He humbled himself so much as to ask for what he must have been tempted to think he already had – the wisdom to rule. And he sought it not so he could boast of his intellectual prowess but so he could better serve God and God’s people. Humble yourself to see inadequacies within you and you will be exalted. Lower yourself, seeking to serve, and you will be raised high. Because Solomon sought wisdom, he got everything – wisdom, security, fame and wealth. Jesus is the Wisdom of God. Sacrifice everything to get him. Get him and you get everything.   “For Me”   “Whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will find it,” said Jesus (Matthew 16:25). Permit me to expound a little on one aspect of this divine principle:   Whoever tries to preserve his or her self-esteem will end up losing it, but whoever deliberately loses self-esteem – lowering his opinion of himself or exposing himself to ridicule for Jesus’ sake – will find genuine and lasting honor. Try to maintain or boost your self-esteem and you will end up riddled with shame. Take the opposite course for Jesus’ sake, however, and you’ll brim with joy and honor forever.   Central to the promise “whoever loses his life for me will find it,” are the words, “for me.” It is Jesus, and he alone, who turns the impossible into a spiritual law you can bet your life on. He is the all-powerful Lord, who transforms a fanciful idea into an immutable law. With him, a suggestion we would otherwise never dare attempt becomes a plan of action only a fool would refuse.   To understand the power and the necessity of Jesus adding those words, “for me,” recall the little boy in the midst of the famished thousands. For the boy to offer the crowds his lunch would be a noble but futile gesture. So rather than give the first hundred people half a crumb each, he gave his lunch to Jesus. Making Jesus the central figure transformed the situation. Suddenly, not only the boy, but thousands were being fed with something that moments before was utterly inadequate. Only after the boy had given his all and passed the point of no return, did what had seemed a foolish sacrifice prove to be the smartest thing he had ever done. The secret is to hand everything over to Jesus and then wait for him to move. Give yourself to Jesus, and he will give himself to you. Lose yourself in him, and you will find yourself in God – no longer restricted to human possibilities.   Just as the boy could not expect to be fed after giving away his lunch, so people cannot expect to thrive emotionally if they give away their self-esteem –  unless they give it to Jesus.  Then a miracle takes place.   Suppose your computer crashed and no matter how hard you tried, you could not fix it. Your only hope would be to give your computer away – to a repairer. You do this in faith that he will not only fix it with the care that he would if it were his own, but that he will then return the computer to you. With this same trusting attitude, we hand our lives over to Jesus, believing that not only will the all-powerful Lord do for us things that are humanly impossible, but believing that he will not exploit us. He will, in fact, pursue our best interests with greater passion than we ourselves would. This is backed by something infinitely stronger than any business agreement. It is backed by the unstoppable love of Almighty God who has invested everything – even the agonizing death of his only Son – on ensuring that you get his very best.   Too often we try applying a spiritual law with Jesus left out of the equation. We might as well expect a car to work with the engine left out of it. And then, when our attempt without Jesus doesn’t work, we have the audacity to imagine God has let us down!   Suppose Jeremy, a highly regarded investment advisor, tells you there is money to be made in the stock market and suggests you let him advise you. Off you go and make your own investments without consulting him. You lose badly, then blame him for your loss. “You told me there is money to be made in the stock market,” you complain bitterly.   “Yes, and those who have come to me for investment advice have done handsomely,” comes the reply, “but you thought you could do it without me.”   “Before doing anything I always asked myself, “What would Jeremy do?”   “You asked  yourself . You didn’t ask me.”   “I took notice of your associates’ advice.”   You didn’t ask  me .   “Well . . .” you squirm, “I  sometimes  asked you.”   “And did you follow my advice  exactly? ”   “ Exactly?  That’s a bit much! I followed the general spirit of what you said.”   “And now that you have lost everything you know that wasn’t enough,” replies Jeremy, with pain in his voice.   Bringing it together   Denise has a lump in her breast. Left untreated it will eventually kill her. Her life teeters on whether she admits to herself and then to a doctor that she has a problem. Denise might often visit her doctor, admitting to colds, migraines and so on. That is not enough. The doctor could even be a friend whom Denise meets socially several times a week, and she would still die from this cancer if she did not face the embarrassment of revealing the lump. She might have additional health problems she is keeping quiet about. Ironically, the more she admits to bad health, the healthier she will be. Similarly, the more we admit to sin, the holier we will be.   Let’s see how this spiritual law about holiness fits what we have been discovering. First, because God is a giver, not a taker, we know that anything God asks of us ends up being the best thing we could do. Whatever God asks us to endure, we can be sure that it is in our very best interest. Next, we know that to work infallibly, a law must be correctly understood. As we saw in the case of the boy’s lunch, a spiritual law will only work when Jesus is made the central figure. With health problems, admitting the problem to a non-medical person would achieve nothing. The crucial thing is admitting it to, and submitting to, a person who has the power to heal you. If we admit our spiritual sickness to Jesus and we submit to his treatment we will be made whole. On the other hand, those who tell themselves they are okay are in a terrifying predicament, whether they realize it or not.   Of course, there is much that makes people very reluctant to be examined for cancer. It could ruin your short term plans. Depending on the nature of those plans, that could be an enormous loss. Hospitalization means loss of freedom, loss of income and being somewhat cut off from friends and family. It could lead to the humiliation of suffering many indignities at the hands of doctors and nurses. Treatment could involve devastating disfigurement, severe physical pain and huge financial outlay. To risk all this would require great trust in your doctor – that his diagnosis is correct and that all that you suffer from the treatment is absolutely necessary. You would have to stake much on the belief that for the rest of your life you will look back with gratitude that you endured all the unpleasantness that treatment entailed. This brings us back to the beginning of this web series, where we noted that our spiritual life hinges on faith – how much we trust God’s love to propel him to supernaturally intervene in our lives. It takes quite a faith-leap to follow instructions that will only work if there really is a wise, loving, powerful God who cares for you so deeply that he will rush to use his limitless power to meet your deepest needs and allow you only to suffer what is absolutely necessary for your highest good. But that is exactly what God is like. The One who holds your molecules together and agonized on the cross for your welfare is trustworthy to the infinite degree.   Balance   In my desire to gently ease you into a radical re-thinking – moving away from the world’s view all the way to Christ’s view – my presentation of these thrilling truths is itself more self-centered than it should be. Enormous benefits await us, but ideally we should be seeking not the personal benefits but the joy of delighting the God who means everything to us. This shift of focus from our pleasure to God’s pleasure is the ultimate in discovering endless joy and fulfillment. It frees us from everything holding us down, allowing our spirits to soar heavenward.   How could we really enjoy a movie if during most of it we were looking in a mirror checking our hair, worrying about what people think of us, and so on? Our Lord is much more important and exciting than any movie. He is the Source of life, love, creativity, goodness, beauty, wisdom, joy, honor, power, purity, perfection – does the list ever end? Like our movie analogy, the more we forget ourselves and focus on God, the more enthralled we will be by him. We will not merely be transfixed, we will be transformed. We still, to use Paul’s expression, “see through the glass darkly” but when we take our eyes off ourselves and seize the grace made ours through Jesus’ shed blood, our eyes will begin to pierce the darkness that restricts our view of God. The more clearly we see God, the more we will behold such wonders that we will not only be captivated, our entire lives will begin to fill with the divine qualities that we focus on.   At the death of infatuation with myself, my spiritual senses become alive to the thrilling reality of God. I behold the most wonderful, exciting and beautiful Person in existence. The combined splendor of the entire universe; the pooled intellectual power of every intelligence in that universe; the greatest thing that the greatest minds could ever imagine – nothing compares with the One I am then empowered to fellowship with. To deny myself is get my eyes off myself – to stop distracting myself from focusing on the King of Glory. It is then that I truly live.   “Set your minds on things above” (Colossians 3:2)   When walking in an open field, it might seem best to keep focusesd on where you are placing your feet. We all know from experience, however, that if we only looked at our feet, we might think we are making good progress but we would actually stray off course; needlessly tiring ourselves and probably never reaching our goal.   To reach our destination with the greatest speed and ease, we must literally take our eyes off ourselves and set them on our goal, with only occasional, fleeting glances at the ground nearer our feet. Likewise, we make the greatest spiritual progress not by constant self-examination or preoccupation with our needs, failures or inadequacies, but simply by fixing our attention upon Jesus; filling our mind with an awareness of how wonderful he is.   Like Peter, I fix my eyes on Jesus, step out of the boat and take a couple of miraculous steps on water towards my Lord. Then I notice the wind. I look at the waves. I remember I’m human. I begin to sink. On the positive side, Jesus is ever-present to grab me in his strong arms and I had managed a couple of amazing steps. But it was ever so brief because my focus soon lowered from Jesus to circumstances and then to myself. As an alcoholic is addicted to drink, I’m addicted to focusing on myself instead of my Lord. What initiates my self-consciousness is more often feelings of inadequacy than pride. Whatever the cause, however, it gets my eyes off Jesus and I begin to sink. I have times when I wrench my eyes off myself long enough to gaze upon my Lord. For those brief moments astounding things are possible. Then the old addiction gets the better of me. Pride or self-protection, fear or selfishness, consciousness of my inadequacies or memories of past failures – some awareness of what I am without Christ – becomes so strong that I forget that I am  not  without Christ. Before I know it, the Lord has slipped from my thinking and I’m getting that sinking feeling. But although it happens so often, I know the answer is to re-set my gaze upon my Savior. So I try again. Will you join me?   Savior,   I’ve wanted to follow you, but from a respectable distance. I haven’t wanted the humiliation of dragging my cross to Golgotha and sacrificing my self-centeredness, self-righteousness and selfish ambition. I’ve wanted to avoid discomfort, not voluntarily embrace it for you. And yet you said, “If  anyone  would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me” – follow the Lord who was crucified for me. You leave me no option. It is so basic that you even drive home the nails by placing the statement in three Gospels. You want the best for me and from me. It’s scary. I recoil from it as if I had touched red-hot metal. And yet, Lord, you’ve promised resurrection the other side of death to selfishness. And how can I hold back when you’ve sacrificed everything for me? Moreover, you gave your all for me when I deserve nothing, while you – my Creator, my Redeemer, the supreme Ruler and the God of perfection – deserve everything.   I’ve called you ‘God,’ but you haven’t really been my God. My life has revolved around myself, not you. I’ve followed my own desires, not yours. I’ve wanted to be  your  God, ordering you to do what I think is best for me, not let you in your love and wisdom tell me what is best. I’ve felt the need to look after my own interests because I didn’t think you would care enough to do a proper job of it. I thought if I completely stopped pursuing my own pleasure and focused on giving you pleasure, you’d just use me up. I’ve paid lip-service to your great love, but I haven’t really believed it. I have suspected you are almost as selfish and as self-centered as I am. I’ve praised your great wisdom, and then had the audacity to think I know better than my Maker as to what will bring me fulfillment. Even though you suffered incomparably more for my endless happiness than I’ve ever suffered for myself, I’ve stupidly thought I want my happiness more than you do. I loathe myself for even seeking my own happiness when you sacrificed all of yours for my sake.   I have been so infatuated with myself that I have seldom dragged my eyes off myself for long enough to see a tiny fraction of your love for me. Even when I thought I hated myself, I could think of little else than myself. I might have been tormented by self-hate but still my thoughts could hardly have been focused more on myself if I were in love with myself. Instead of being like a plant reaching up to you, my sun, I have turned in on myself. No wonder my soul has shriveled up.   From this moment I resolve to change my thinking. I now want to be Christ-centered, not self-centered. I will trust your love. I will take you at your word that if I seek nothing but your greatest good, you will seek my greatest good, which is what you longed to do all the time that I foolishly kept hindering you. I am in awe of your love because I know I get the best end of this deal; you don’t need me, but I desperately need you, and my attempts to please you are riddled with human frailty, while your efforts to please me are empowered by divine omnipotence.   Thank you, Lord. You are truly wonderful.   Climax   It’s a fundamental mistake to think that Christianity is about using God to get what we want. That would render us guilty of the treason of dethroning the King of kings and the blasphemy of hailing our desires as god. It would be to rob ourselves of God’s infinite love, goodness and wisdom and confine ourselves to our puny ability to know what is best.   Is it such a revelation to discover that Christianity is about being God-centered, not self-centered?   Dying to self might seem painful and scary but it is one of the most liberating experiences anyone can ever bask in. The results are mind-boggling, even mystical. For example, I have found it to be the secret to enjoying the peace that transcends all understanding when you reach that point of yielding to God where nothing – not life, happiness, material things, relationships, reputation, vocation, avoiding suffering, or anything else – really matters to you except God and him having his holy, wise and loving way in every aspect of your life.   Dying to self doesn’t mean ceasing to care about people – people are infinitely important to the God of love. It doesn’t mean giving up – through God we are winners. It doesn’t mean ceasing to put in enormous effort – Jesus sweat until it was like blood. Dying to self means no longer trying to get things for yourself – whether protection, fulfillment, achievement, peace or whatever. Such things are no longer your concern. If they come, praise God; if they don’t, it doesn’t matter. All that matters is God, because his way is perfect and can never be improved on. And when that attitude floods your heart, you have peace, no matter what horrors are exploding around you.   We’ve been following a guide since birth. One day we meet another guide who we discover has much greater wisdom, is a far superior companion and will take us to an exceedingly better destination. There is no question that following the new guide is the smart thing to do and will end up being the most fulfilling, and when our journey is complete we will forever be grateful we went with him, whereas if we go with our old guide we will forever regret it. The choice seems a no-brainer – except that in stark contrast to the final destination, the old guide’s journey starts off so much easier, more comfortable and enjoyable.   The new guide is Jesus. The old guide is our own heart. Where Jesus is going, our heart recoils from. It’s the way of the cross. Not even Jesus’ heart wanted to go there – hence the agony of the Garden of Gethsemane. The final destination is glorious but the only route is horrendous.   “. . . anyone who does not take his cross and follow me is not worthy of me. . . . If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me” (Matthew 10:38; 16:24). Where is Jesus going? The only place anyone drags a cross to – the place of torturous and humiliating execution where one’s self dies. And after that? . . . the place of triumph; the place of eternal honor; the place from which you will rule the universe with the risen Lord.   We long to follow both Jesus and our own heart but that is utterly impossible. They are going in totally different directions and to completely different destinations. When either is your traveling companion, the other is left behind. “For wide is the gate and broad is the road that leads to destruction, and many enter through it. But small is the gate and narrow the road that leads to life, and only a few find it” (Matthew 7:13-14). We might ache to follow both so much that we even deceive ourselves into believing it can be done, but it cannot. You know what you  should  do and you will regret every moment’s delay, but which will you choose?

Just a short note on email communications.  If you have positive feedback, Grantley needs the encouragement, so please don't hesitate to drop him an email.   He immensely regrets, however, not having the health needed to provide personal support. (His chronic fatigue has currently worsened to the point where it is like trying to function physically and mentally after being chronically sleep deprived for months.) Nevertheless, any need for personalized support is minimal because he has devoted virtually his entire life to creating a website packed with all the help he can possibly give, and totally without charge. A complication associated with his worsening health was a mistake that caused much of the vast website to go offline. It is being restored as fast as finances and available expertise allow.   (If you are interested in contributing, ways you might be able to help include proofreading, computer expertise, or finance, please email  us with an outline of what interests you, or how you could help.)   An archive of the site can be found here if you wish to search specific topics that have not yet been added to the new website.   We are not sure how long the archive will be available, but for now it is still there.

Spiritual Warfare   Turning Spiritual Attack into Victory     Humanists imagine they have suddenly become incredibly smart, being able to discern physical and psychological reasons for phenomena. They have actually become incredibly thick, being able to see nothing but the blatantly obvious. The Apostle Paul’s words stick with appalling accuracy: ‘Professing to be wise, they became fools’ (Romans 1:22). Don’t catch their blindness.   The presence of obvious physical reasons for our problems does not reduce the likelihood that they are shots fired from the spirit world. Paul faced enough natural dangers to seize anyone’s attention – wild seas, infected wounds, bandits – yet he focused on spiritual battle.   Though he regularly bled at the hands of human opponents, Paul insisted that our fight is not with people but with spiritual powers (Ephesians 6:12). His gospel threatened the livelihood, pride and traditions of thousands. Wherever he looked, human reasons for his struggle glared at him. Yet he saw the human component of his conflict as inconsequential. Either the apostle was a fruit loop or we clash with the non-physical realm more than most of us suppose.     Spiritual Parasites   Demons are spiritual parasites that want to attach themselves to us and suck spiritual life from us. Left to their own vices, they will weaken us and make life needlessly unpleasant. They are the spiritual equivalent of physical parasites, such as tapeworm or hookworm.   It is not just non-Christians who need to be wary of parasitic worms. It is quite possible to have them for years without realizing what it is that is keeping us that bit below optimum health.   A person cannot be said to be ‘possessed’ by parasites. He has full control, except for a tiny aspect of his life, and even in that he retains partial control. A person with worms can do almost anything without parasitic interference. Only in the area of nutrition has he lost a degree of control. He can decide what he eats and when he eats but until the worms are banished he cannot prevent them from robbing him of some of his nutrition.   Demons of lust might, for instance, harass a Christian with unusually intense and prolonged temptation. This could be most distressing, and the person might voluntarily surrender to the temptation; perhaps, for example, under the illusion that resistance is useless. In reality, however, God has promised that no temptation will be too strong for a Christian. So a demon could flood a person with horrific temptation but it could never compel a Christian to sin.   Not so many years ago, I felt sexually assaulted by every sensually dressed woman I saw. I wasn’t particularly defeated by it but it was a continual, wearying battle. There is sure to have been a natural element to this. It is God’s intention that women flout their bodies solely within the confines of holy matrimony. If only more Christian women would let God remove carnality from their lives! Nevertheless, I wondered if in addition to the natural, there might also be a demonic element to what I suffered. So I made an appointment with someone experienced in the deliverance ministry. To this day, I’m uncertain whether, in my particular case, that was the reason why things have improved. It might have helped. I don’t know for sure. I have the satisfaction, however, of knowing that I was not so foolish as to let pride or embarrassment keep me refusing a potential source of help.   Parasitic worms are so repulsive that we naturally recoil from the thought of having them. The worse thing we can do, however, is to live in denial, because if we do, they will continue to afflict us. Someone with parasites has foreign invaders in his life that have no right to be there. The only smart reaction is to face the possibility head-on, with a view to eradicating anything that could be afflicting us.   Prayer is not Enough   Satanic opposition hampered Daniel’s ministry. He had sought a revelation. Heaven was silent. Though uncertain about what was happening, Daniel fought on in prayer and fasting, day after day. Heaven’s reply had been dispatched on angel’s wings, but evil powers blockaded it. When the celestial courier finally arrived, he revealed he had been engaged in heaven’s answer to Star Wars (Daniel 10:12-13). Spiritual powers had been locked in supernatural combat. For twenty-one earth-days the battle raged. Perhaps the weapons used defy our comprehension, but I believe a deciding factor was something we know a little about – the impassioned prayers of a man who longed to serve God. With the resolve of a marathon winner, Daniel prayed on and on and on. Had he accepted the hold-up as heaven’s final answer, the enemy might have successfully intercepted the prophetic message.   With Satan lusting after us like a crazed beast, we either pray or are preyed upon.   And yet we often need more than prayer.   Foot-sloggers are no match for the prince of the power of the air. If we neglect prayer, dark forces will forever sabotage our labors; our attempts to attack their kingdom will never get off the ground. Join the prayer force. A defiant fist amuses Satan. An uplifted hand terrifies him. Prayer will shoot him down.   Prayer is fearsome ammunition. Without a canon, however, even the deadliest ammunition cannot pound the enemy. For faith-packed prayer to reach its full ferocity it must be used in conjunction with two other aspects of spiritual warfare. One aspect – legality – is automatic for the born again warrior. It is the other – authoritative aggression – where many of us falter. Add this to prayer and you have an arsenal against which the combined forces of hell are reduced to a cringing rabble of terrified wimps.   If undesirables have moved into our house, it is insufficient to establish that their action is unlawful. Nor is it enough to complete an assertiveness training course. Confirming our legal standing and strengthening our resolve to enforce our rights are both vital steps, but it is futile to stop here. We must actually evict the squatters.   Our spiritual union establishes the illegality of Satan’s move against us. Without this, as the sons of Sceva discovered, good intentions and pious or aggressive ranting achieve nothing (Acts 19:13-17).   In addition, we need prayer to build us up, empowering us for spiritual confrontation. We often so focus on Paul’s itemization of the armor in his classic on spiritual combat that we forget it culminates in ‘praying always with all prayer and supplication in the Spirit’ (Ephesians 6:18). The disciples, bewildered by their inability to expel a demon, needed Jesus’ revelation that there is no alternative to prayer (Mark 9:17-18,28-29). No matter how intimately they knew Jesus, prayerlessness still meant powerlessness.   Yet with our union with Christ resolving the legal issue and prayer girding us with divine strength, insidious trespassers will continue until we enforce our blood-bought rights. Jesus, ‘who went about doing good and healing all who were oppressed of the devil,’ (Acts 10:38) not only spent entire nights in prayer, he authoritatively confronted anti-God forces. Time and again he rebuked opponents to God’s will, be they fevers, storms, demons or whatever. We must follow his lead.   The Bible opens by affirming that God created humanity to rule. From the onset, the Lord of hosts delegated authority to man and woman (Genesis 1:26-28). Humanity lost much when it lost its innocence, but with the breaking of sin’s curse by the shed blood of the innocent Son of God, we are again expected to rule, acting like Jesus in ousting evil hordes.   If you were granted police powers, would you tolerate a law breaker vandalizing a sacred place, or assaulting someone, or molesting a child? Well aren’t you the Spirit’s holy sanctuary, part of Christ’s body and God’s own child? Is it proper for you to passively endure an evil assault upon your person? Shouldn’t you be incensed that cowering low-life, whose defeat cost the very life of the Son of God, would have the audacity to trespass onto God’s turf, insult a work of God and violate a part of Christ’s very body? When opposed by vile spirits, rise with indignation and enforce your Christ-won authority by ousting those frauds.   When buffeted by malicious powers we are likely to feel as green and as limp as wilted spinach. We must understand that authority has nothing to do with how vibrant we feel. A police officer has as much authority when he is tired as when he is fresh. A bed-ridden king has more authority than a nobleman in the prime of manhood. The issue is not how strong we feel, but whether we are bound to the One granted all authority in heaven and earth.   The showdown   It was a duel between spiritual super-powers: the false gods of Egypt versus the one true God. At Moses’ command, Aaron throws down a rod. The stick becomes a writhing snake. What a victory – the raw power of God spectacularly displayed in the very court of Pharaoh. Face it, Pharaoh, you’ve backed a loser! Heathen sorcerers step forward. They drop their rods and each squirms to life. Before Pharaoh’s eyes is Moses’ solitary snake, hopelessly outnumbered by the magicians’ slithering brood (Exodus 7:9-12).   A homeward-bound Levite needed to lodge for the night. Though a pagan place was more convenient, he chose the security of an Israelite town. Here he’d sleep peacefully, surrounded by God’s people. But to his horror, he discovered these people, despite having known God’s blessing and his laws, were more depraved than the heathen. Given half a chance, they would have raped him. They abused his concubine all night. She was dead by morning. An Israelite town had slumped to the putrid decadence of Sodom and Gomorrah.   Outraged, the Levite summoned the whole of Israel. God’s law was explicit: those murderous perverts must die. But their tribe refused to hand them over. The entire tribe was so committed to wickedness that the Benjamites resolved to fight, if necessary to death, against the united armies of the whole nation, rather than allow the execution of God’s law.   Greatly disturbed, the faithful sought God. It would have been tempting to by-pass this step. They were obviously in the right and the odds were heavily in their favor. Though the Benjamites had a few skilled fighters, they were their brethren, not some super-race, and Israel outnumbered them, 400,000 to less than 27,000. But they did the right thing. They consulted God, and he so approved that he gave them his strategy. On their side were natural superiority, righteousness, divine approval, and the wisdom and infinite might of the Lord of hosts. In obedience to their Lord, they marshaled their forces, high in faith and in the power of God.   And they were slaughtered. In one day 22,000 of them were slain.   They wept. They prayed. They sought the Lord again. Empowered by a fresh word from God, they mobilized for the second day. And 18,000 more of them were massacred (Judges chapters 19-20).   The mighty Son of God came to earth. This was the climax of a divine plan conceived before the earth was formed, and for millennia intricately woven into the fabric of human history. It was the showdown: creature versus Creator, dust versus divinity, filth versus purity, mortality versus immortality.   And Jesus died.   In Pharaoh’s court, occult powers miraculously produce many times more vipers than God. In the time of the judges, God’s forces are routed by an army of inferior strength. At Calvary, God’s Son is dead.   How I thank God for the Bible! Few other Christian books tell it as it really is: you can be flowing in the power of God, following his instructions to the letter in absolute purity and be routed by Satan’s puny forces.   But only for a season.   Moses’ rod swallowed up the sorcerers’ rods. On the third day, Israel crushed the Benjamites. Jesus, on the third day, swallowed up death, having crushed the devil.

Forsaken by God? A Testimony of Hope for Backslidden Christians “I swore at God, telling him, ‘Just leave! Go ahead, reject me.’ Then he appeared to me, knelt down in the dirt with me and held me. He whispered in my ear, ‘NO WAY. I will never leave you nor forsake you. NEVER, NEVER, NEVER.’ ” Do Hebrews 6 and Hebrews 10 mean that a spiritually gifted and once-devoted Christian who rejects Christ can never again enjoy a full and glorious relationship with God? If so, I would be damned. After years of anguish, however, I discovered the irrevocable truth of the vast numbers of Scriptures affirming that Jesus died for all sin – which, by definition, must include all my gross sins committed after my spiritual enlightenment. My testimony is proof that God will accept back every backslidden Christian who again puts faith in the forgiving power of Jesus’ sacrifice. I fell from being a committed, born again Christian with a wonderful, supernatural relationship with Jesus, to being enslaved by sexually perverted fantasies, hating Christians, and having eight demons. Although I yearned to return to God, my many years of attempting to win back his acceptance seemed only to confirm that God had forsaken me forever. Finally, I discovered there are no limits to Jesus’ power to forgive those who again put their faith in him. I now enjoy a beautiful relationship with God as joyous and fulfilling as ever, and continually getting even better than I had ever known. Introduction by Grantley Morris I know Christine very well. Her present relationship with God is so special that, frankly, I am envious of it. Not only is the Lord the love of her life, I can only gasp in awe at the way she daily hears from him. She has kindly let me ghostwrite her story. It is best to read the entire testimony, but it is divided into these sections: Disturbing Scriptures The Spiritual Heights From Which I Fell My Fall From Grace Years of Failed Attempts to Return to God Finding God Again My Wonderful Relationship With Christ Now Disturbing Scriptures I, Christine, rejoice in the indescribable relief of discovering that I can both believe in the Bible and no longer be haunted by Hebrews 6 and Hebrews 10. Hebrews 6:4-6 For it is impossible for those who were once enlightened, and have tasted of the heavenly gift, and were made partakers of the Holy Ghost, And have tasted the good word of God, and the powers of the world to come, If they shall fall away, to renew them again unto repentance; seeing they crucify to themselves the Son of God afresh, and put him to an open shame. Hebrews 10:26-29 For if we sin wilfully after that we have received the knowledge of the truth, there remaineth no more sacrifice for sins, But a certain fearful looking for of judgment and fiery indignation, which shall devour the adversaries. He that despised Moses’ law died without mercy under two or three witnesses: Of how much sorer punishment, suppose ye, shall he be thought worthy, who hath trodden under foot the Son of God, and hath counted the blood of the covenant, wherewith he was sanctified, an unholy thing, and hath done despite unto the Spirit of grace? I am living proof that whatever Hebrews 6 and Hebrews 10 mean, they cannot make a liar out of the God who has promised over and over in the Bible to forgive everyone who, regardless of past misdeeds, repents and puts his/her faith in the power of Jesus bearing on the cross the full punishment for our every sin. Any Christian who returns to Christ can find forgiveness, no matter how atrocious or repeated the sin. The Spiritual Heights From Which I Fell At an early age I began a relationship with Christ that would be the envy of many Christians. This, of course, was the grace of God, and not by any means my achievement. I share what I do in this section solely to highlight the extent of my fall and to encourage those who fear their sin against the enlightenment they once had is too extreme for the crucified Lord to forgive. When I was five, I sat under a cherry tree and asked God if he loved me. He answered with such warmth and assurance that I knew I was loved. From that moment we would talk and play as friends. It was so intimate and powerful that nothing will make me believe that it wasn’t God. I would sing to him and he made all the trees rustle as if to applaud. I giggled and giggled. What joy God gave me. As a child I studied at a Christian school and grew in the knowledge of God. Deeply in love with God, I found prayer and Bible study so exciting that from the age of 14 I joyously devoted a minimum of two and a half hours to it every day outside of school hours. Not only would I pray, but God would speak in my mind with great clarity. Sometimes the sessions were so glorious that I would continue throughout the entire night. Called of God to be an intercessor, the Lord would give me supernatural visions of critical situations overseas that I would otherwise have had no way of knowing. As I prayed, I was sure that breakthroughs had taken place and later I received concrete confirmation that this was truly God and not a product of my imagination. In one case, at stake was the spiritual destiny of a nation cut off from missionaries. I think it possible that the Lord shared these revelations with other intercessors who likewise prayed, but he nonetheless included me in this privileged responsibility of interceding for situations that were unknown to human minds except by divine revelation. On many occasions throughout my life I felt the Lord physically hug me. Under the Lord’s anointing I regularly exercised supernatural spiritual gifts. In addition, I served in the church musically and I was also extensively involved in practical acts of service such as feeding the homeless, helping abused women and children and the mentally ill, and sending off Bibles to countries where Bibles were outlawed. My Fall From Grace Children are often taught that their conscience is God speaking to them. Like many Christians, I moved into adulthood with little understanding of what a dangerously simplistic notion that is. A guilty conscience is not always God. If it persists after seeking forgiveness through Jesus, a guilty conscious is the Tempter trying to fool us into doubting Jesus’ power to forgive. My failure to fully grasp this was a time bomb that finally exploded when I found myself divorced. For as long as I can remember, I had wrestled with a guilty conscience. Instead of dismissing it as merely an unpleasant, satanically inspired temptation to doubt my Christ-bought salvation, however, I began to take a guilty conscience as proof that God had not forgiven me. I felt condemned over many things, a significant number of which I now know were not even sins, such as being molested by a man when I was an infant. No matter how gross or real my supposed sins were, however, I should have believed that Jesus had cancelled them all by paying for them in his blood, so that I was now innocent and pure in God’s eyes. Things came to a head when my sadistically violent, continually unfaithful husband refused to live with me anymore. Even on our wedding night the violence and trauma were so extreme that I attempted suicide the next day. I had married because prominent people in my church who claimed to be prophets insisted I would be disobeying God if I refused to marry the man both they and I barely knew. Although I felt nothing for this man romantically, I believed their claims to be better than me in hearing from God, and so, while not yet out of my teens, I married him quickly as they suggested. Soon afterward, he admitted to me that he had only pretended to be a Christian and had married me solely to gain entry to my country. It turned out that he had not even waited until we were married for his unfaithfulness to start and after marriage his affairs extended to multiple partners. Being vehemently opposed to divorce, I begged my husband to at least keep up the appearance of being married while he had his affairs, but he refused even this. His view of marriage was so low that he did not even care about making divorce official. He was happy to live with other women or even commit bigamy rather than bother with the red tape of divorce. Even more distressing to me was that because he was a cocaine addict and dealer, government authorities threatened to take my baby from me unless I proved my commitment to protect the baby by divorcing my husband. I had already had to lie over our sick baby, taking the blows as he tried to kick the baby. Physically ill with guilt, I felt compelled to divorce; believing that divorce is a gross sin but seeing no other way to protect and keep the baby I had almost died to give birth to. I tried ever so hard to maintain my relationship with God but because nothing would stop the tortured screams of my accusing conscience, I chose to believe that these insistent guilt feelings meant that God was refusing to accept my prayers for forgiveness. I was surrounded by Christians who were strongly biased toward blindly denying how impossible my marriage had become. After all, respected “prophets” had said this marriage was of God. Incited by lies about me spread by my husband, life-long Christian friends turned against me. Entire churches rejected me. Their response – satanically inflamed by my conscience that refused to stop accusing me of what I believed to be the gross sin of divorce – drove me to the conclusion that if God’s people had rejected me, then God himself had rejected me. Believing that there was no way back to the God I loved was the most devastating experience of my life, but I needed somehow to survive for the sake of my baby. I felt compelled to live like those who have no God. I found non-Christian friends and grew bitter. A witch helped me get tough. Though she meant well, if it weren’t for her “help” I might not have gone through eight years of hell. Because of the divorce that broke my heart, key Christians in my life mistreated me and rejected me. Concluding that all Christians would likewise reject me, I resolved to become the enemy of all Christians. Politically, I campaigned for every anti-church bill I could find. I discouraged people from going to church, opposed Christian companies, got Christians fired and laughed at mean things done behind their backs by non-Christians. I also campaigned hard for euthanasia, gay rights, and abortion. For a few years I thought that sex without commitment was fun, but it turned sour. To escape the pain and isolation, I resorted to a fantasy world in which I engaged in sex with imaginary friends. Since I no longer believed in demons I was stunned when it eventually became undeniable that I was actually having sex with demons. Despite me being heterosexual, I ended up regularly having sex with a demon who always appeared as a woman. Not even bothering to appeal to my pride, this demon had the audacity to say that, despite my feminine body, I wasn’t good looking enough to take the female role in the relationship, and insisted that I must take the male role. I meekly submitted to this humiliation. One of my “imaginary friends” claimed to be a pedophile. As a sexual abuse survivor, I hated child molesters and yet, given the way the other demons had slowly corrupted me, I am horrified to think that had I not eventually returned to the Lord I might have ended up molesting children, just like the people I despised. Life was miserable. I regularly cut myself with knives. I suffered nightmares and panic attacks. Any hope of ever being loved had died. I felt pain beyond anything I could comprehend. With God out of the picture, I concluded that my life was my own to terminate when I wished. Moreover, since I was going to kill myself, I planned to make the most of it by first murdering some of the people I hated. I didn’t want to go to heaven. I was God’s reject. I stopped believing in hell, and just wanted it all to end. I typed “suicide” in a search engine and found a site about there being hope in God. I dismissed the site and found another that refused to discuss religion. It at least kept me alive. Years of Failed Attempts to Return to God Despite everything, I still had fond memories of the beautiful relationship with God I had once enjoyed. So overlapping, and in fact contributing to, my downward slide, were years of desperate attempts to return to God. I had tried to excess to get God to give me a second chance. I prayed – sometimes continuing throughout an entire night. I fasted – sometimes restricting myself to one light meal a day for an entire month. I studied the Bible to the point of denying myself sleep. I devoted a year to Bible College. I punished myself. I racked my brain trying to discover and repent of everything I have ever done that could conceivably have been sin. I threw away anything I could think of that might offend God (including trashing sixty music CDs that I wish I still had). I tried standing in faith (which failed because I was looking to inner feelings to confirm that my faith had “worked”). I tried church attendance, tithing, and community service. But despite it all, it seemed the appalling, inescapable conclusion that God had deserted me and that there was no way to get back to him. When every Christian attempt I could think of had failed to convince me that God accepted me, I turned to Buddhism as a way of finding God. This, too, proved fruitless. God had meant everything to me and now nothing I did could convince me that he cared. I was crushed beyond words. Finally, I could take the pain of rejection no longer. “I divorce you!” I told my former Lord, heartbroken. Without realizing it, I had literally fallen from grace. Instead of clinging to the foundational Christian truth that salvation is “by grace . . . through faith . . . not by works” (Ephesians 2:8-9) I had fallen into thinking I had to win God’s acceptance by works. By reverting to works (reliance on my efforts to gain God’s approval) rather than trusting in the finished work of Christ, I could never know if I had done enough to win God back. So I found myself compelled to wait for feelings or signs from God to confirm that I was saved. A problem with hoping to feel God was that I was in too much inner pain to let myself feel anything. And the problem with trying to hear from God is that I was too scared to fully listen to God, lest he condemn me. Moreover, anytime the Lord did get through to me by feeling, word or sign, I soon dismissed it, allowing it to be drowned out by my inner pain, fears, guilt feelings, and sickening memories of being rejected by Christians. But there was an even more serious problem: how could God give me the confirmation I craved, when I had abandoned his way of salvation? By thinking that my own efforts were a critical aspect of salvation, I was no longer putting my faith in Jesus alone. Had I maintained belief in salvation by faith, I would have forced myself to keep believing I was saved, no matter what my conscience said and no matter how distant God felt. Instead, I had reverted to works and waiting for feelings or signs or acceptance from Christians to confirm that I was saved, rather than relying on the immovable fact that Christ died for my sins. Finding God Again Finally, I discovered www.netburst.net and returned to the realization that salvation is by faith in Jesus – that proof of my salvation rests not in how close to perfection my life is or how I feel or in receiving personal signs from God, but solely in the unchangeable fact that Christ died for all sin. Slowly and reluctantly my eyes opened to the spiritual reality of my “imaginary friends.” The prospect of life without the comfort, companionship and sexual thrills these demons offered seemed terrifyingly bleak, but I desperately wanted God. What made expelling these evil spirits particularly scary is that reliance upon them had been my only way of coping with life without God. What could I do if ever again God were to reject me? Initially, though I valiantly kept resisting the demons’ sexual advances, I wanted to keep in reserve the possibility of returning to them if ever God were to let me down. When the demons saw I wasn’t serious about permanently evicting them, however, they were emboldened to keep striving to seduce me. It was torturous. Finally, I determined to be rid of them forever. They tested me a couple of times after that but when they saw the strength of my resolve to cling to Christ and be rid of them, they left. Then I was faced with the devastating realization that my years of turning to demons rather than God had, on my part, been nothing short of treachery. I was scared to let God into the dark secrets of my childhood sexual abuse and other sources of fear and shame. I feared not just the pain of facing memories that I wanted to bury forever, but I feared that God would be angry with me because of my past and that he is too holy to want to look upon the degrading sexual abuse I had suffered. My longing to keep things buried proved to be another battleground but slowly I discovered that every time I confessed to God a shameful secret, he not only did not condemn, he was gentle and loving and supportive. Whenever I let him into a dark corner of my heart, he lovingly shone his light on it and soon the scary shadows were revealed as tiny specs that could no longer haunt me. It was so liberating and healing. Full restoration took quite a while, however, because I kept discovering new areas that I needed to involve God in. I also had to learn that, despite his holiness, God is not cold or standoffish. When embarrassing temptation hits or we feel defeated, he longs for us to run to him, not from him. Even when my failures cover me with despair, condemnation is furthest from God’s mind. Yes, at such times the enemy of our soul fires my guilt feelings to almost intolerable levels, but God is not in this. Instead, the Lord yearns to comfort and uplift me when I struggle with sin and shame. This divine help is essential for my spiritual welfare but too often I have missed it because I have slunk away in fear and shame, not daring to believe that God longed to console me. Another major problem area was that I was too frightened to let myself fall totally in love with God. The pain of previously thinking I had lost God forever was so horrific that I don’t think I could endure a repeat. What if I let myself love him as deeply as I had before and he again abandoned me? Gradually, however, my trust deepened and I realized that even if I were to do the unthinkable and be so foolish as to again run away from God, he would yearn for my return. Like the prodigal son’s father, my Heavenly Father would be eagerly awaiting my return so that he could run to me, welcome me into his arms and yet again shower me with gifts. So I’ve stopped holding back and I’ve let myself fall head over heels in love with my glorious Lord. My Wonderful Relationship With Christ Now For years, I had been certain I was God’s reject, cast off forever. Now I know I am cherished as his beloved. Does feeling loved and forgiven make it more true? Certainly not. Does not feeling it make Jesus any less my Savior? Of course not. It’s all so obvious now, but for year after gut-wrenching year, the enemy had kept my mind too fogged for logic to help me. “The god of this age has blinded the minds of unbelievers” (2 Corinthians 4:4). Spiritual truth can only be seen through believing eyes and I had stopped believing. I could believe for others, but not for myself. I was blinded to the truth of my salvation because I had let slip from my fingertips faith in Jesus’ power to save all who call upon him (Acts 2:21; Romans 10:13). I had so focused on the greatness of my sin that I could not see the greatness of my Savior. If only I had continually forced my eyes off myself and fixed my gaze on my Savior; let all the guilty screams of my conscious fade and hear only Jesus’ agonized cries as he paid my debt, followed by heaven’s thunderous praise as he rose again to claim me as his own . . . Could I prove myself good enough for eternal intimacy with the Holy One? The burden of proof is on Jesus, not me. It was settled 2,000 years ago. The only way I could be unforgivable when I seek God’s forgiveness through Jesus is if Jesus had not died for some of my sins. And if that were so, it would make a liar out of God, who declared in his Word that Jesus died for the sins of the entire world (Isaiah 45:22; John 1:29; 3:17 2; Corinthians 5:19; 1 John 2:2; 4:14). He put in black and white in Scripture and signed it in the blood of Jesus. I had so focused on my own pain – generated by my mistaken belief that Jesus is less than the Almighty Savior that he is – that I had no awareness that God himself was reeling in pain – over me failing to accept the reality of his forgiveness and love. Since unbelieving eyes are blinded by anti-God forces, the only answer was to cling to belief, even while still blinded and while false feelings of guilt and hopelessness were so overwhelming and numbing as to make what heaven calls saving faith seem like off-with-the-fairies wishful thinking. In Jesus’ name I had to command the forces blinding me to leave. And I had to keep resisting them by stubbornly clinging to faith in Jesus’ power to save the most depraved, while gallantly ignoring everything within me that was screaming “Unforgivable!” I have cussed at God. I have dropped to my knees in pain and sworn at God, telling him, “Just leave! Go ahead, reject me. I am nothing.” Then, call it a vision or whatever you like, he appeared to me, knelt down in the dirt with me and held me. He whispered in my ear, “NO WAY. I will never leave you nor forsake you. NEVER, NEVER, NEVER. I am in love with you and addicted to you.” Since returning to God, I have enjoyed times when I have again experienced every spiritual high that I ever had in my spiritual honeymoon years. Much more exciting, however, is the fact that my walk with God is better now than before my fall because I am no longer dependent upon spiritual highs. What I have is stronger than my feelings and anything that I ever had before. I can have times when I have no indication that God is with me and yet be just as sure that God loves me and will never forsake me as when the Lord gives me special signs or warm feelings and speaks intimately with me. What makes this so exciting is that I now have real security. I’m no longer dependent upon fluctuating feelings or special signs from God for me to be certain of God’s love and of the unshakable dependability of his promise never to forsake his children. What I have now is a war-seasoned faith that God is true to his Word in spite of all the wild and foolish things I have done. I now know that if ever I mess up, the spotlessly holy Lord will humbly sit in the gutter with me, the instant I look to him. Even when I’m too overcome by a guilty conscience to feel it, he will warmly embrace me, lovingly clean off all my filth, tend to all the wounds and fears that haunt me, and lift me up to his throne again. He is my faithful friend. It is not my nature that determines God’s faithfulness; he is faithful because it is his nature. He is faithful because he is faithful. Consequently, he is as faithful to you as he is to anyone in the universe. Comment by Grantley Over the past several months since Christine rediscovered God’s forgiveness, I have stared open mouthed at how her spiritual life has mushroomed. All the Scriptures and Christian teaching of her past have been suddenly reactivated. I am reminded of Jesus, knowing that Peter would deny him, and yet saying, “And when you have turned back, strengthen your brothers” (Luke 22:32). This is exactly what Christine is doing. Suddenly, all the hurt and demonic torment she suffered when estranged from God is no longer a waste but is empowering her to minister with astounding effectiveness to other hurting people. Truly, all things – even backslidden years – work together for good when one returns to the Lord. Someone Else’s Experience I honestly thought I was saved. Then after about 18 years I fell into serious sin. This opened some horrible doors. I tried hard to repent but seemed unable to get back to God. For the next three and a half years I was haunted by tormenting thoughts that I had become an apostate. I was convinced that I was guilty of the unpardonable sin and that Hebrews 6:4-6 clearly dictated that I had crossed the line and was now damned. For all those three and a half years I never felt the Holy Spirit’s presence. I would read Scripture but only felt convicted by it. Then one day I felt the Holy Spirit at a Prayer Meeting. I felt my heart soften and I begged God to forgive me. Since then I go to Church and Prayer Meetings and feel the Lord’s forgiveness. When I am alone and depressed, however, Satan still tells me that I am not a real Christian, am damned, have committed the unpardonable sin and am beyond God’s redemption. Even though I know it is Satan, I start to believe him. I read an Internet article by a person who claimed he had committed the unpardonable sin and graphically described what he went through. I was terrified. Much of what he went through was similar to what I had experienced. The Lord showed me, however, that this isn’t scriptural, as nothing like this is in the Bible. Once, after a very rough weekend, I was ready to give up when I felt the Lord telling me to just trust in Christ. Quoting Scripture helps me, such as the ones saying that Satan is a liar, God’s mercy endures forever, God is love, and so on. I’ve learned that no matter what I go through, the only truth is the Bible. God loves us and desires to show us mercy. This is Scriptural and so is true. The Bible affirms if we ask God for forgiveness, through faith in Christ, he will forgive us. The Bible also says that Satan is a liar, hates us, and wants to condemn us. Christ died a horrible death on the cross to forgive us, as graphically shown in the movie “The Passion of the Christ”. My sin killed Jesus Christ but he defeated death and sin by rising from the grave. To get God’s forgiveness, all I must do is believe in my heart that Christ’s precious blood cleanses me from my sin and allows me to receive full and unconditional forgiveness. Again, this is from Scripture and must be true because God cannot lie. If you feel you are lacking in this area of belief, remember than you can pray about it. Scripture tells us that we can go to God about anything in prayer. Not admitting our sin to God will open the door to Satan’s attacks. Extreme fear that I have truly committed the unforgivable sin still sometimes pounces on me but nevertheless the truth is that, like Christine in the above testimony, I am forgiven by sincerely believing that Christ shed his precious blood for me. I’ve discovered that godly repentance is simply having faith that after confessing your sin, Christ will cleanse you and forgive you. It is that simple. All we must do is ignore satanic attacks of irrational fear and keep fighting the temptation to doubt. We know that even Jesus was tempted, so lack of temptation is never a sign of spiritual maturity. Like fighting any strong temptation, clinging to the belief that the blood of Jesus cleanses from all sin and resisting the temptation to doubt is sometimes far from easy but I do it, and so can you. The Next Step: If you need a break from reading, now is a good time. If your spiritual need is genuine, however, it is important that you don’t lose this web address and that you return when you can and read more. Next Testimony: Condemned by Hebrews 6:4-6

How Much does God Love Me? Is God love? I sometimes wonder if attempting to describe the most magnificent sunset to someone blind from birth would be easier than making this introduction believable to the disillusioned millions of us whose taste of love has so far been largely limited to human imperfections. The bitter disappointment of being let down by humans causes many of us to lose hope of ever finding genuine, selfless love of Godlike proportions – even in God himself.   At least until crushed by the harsh reality of human failings, however, it seems everyone longs to be in love.   Both thrilling and fulfilling, being in love is a continual source of wonder and delight, bringing joy and contentment like nothing else. It makes life worth living; transforming a drab, dour existence into sheer exhilaration. It is what we were made for, even though human relationships allow only elusive, often frustrating, glimpses of it. God alone has the divine perfection we crave in a lover, but what holds us back is the unfounded fear that God’s love for us is shallow – more aloof and clinical than the red-hot passion of someone exciting who is head-over-heels in love with us.   It seems too good to be believable, but the mind-boggling truth is that the awesome God of Perfection, for whom nothing is impossible, is more passionately in love with you – yes,  you  – than any human has ever felt for anyone. No one can expect to feel convinced of this in just a short webpage, but we have to start somewhere.   We know that fervent love for God and love for all humanity is God’s top priority for us (Mark 12:28-31) and yet we struggle to love as we should. This is largely because we get things back to front. We try to love in order to win God’s love. That’s like trying to drive a car without fueling it. What starts the whole process is a revelation of how stupendously in love with us God already is.   1 John 4:19  We love because he first loved us.   The key to falling in love with God – and staying in love with him and loving humanity as well – is found not so much in trying to love but in simply dwelling on God’s love for us. Discovering and clinging to the truth that God is thrilled with us continually draws us to him and transforms us. It is also the secret to victorious living. As I have written elsewhere:   When feeling defeated, one of the most important things is to focus on God’s great love for you and not let deceptive spirits trick you into thinking that God frowns on you when you fall into sin. Yes, God is disappointed, but when a little child with good parents runs off and falls, what’s the first thing he does? He looks to mommy or daddy for comfort. You, too, should run into Daddy’s arms for the comfort you need. God is on your side. He cares deeply for you. Your spiritual enemies, however, want to make you feel uneasy about running to God. They know we instinctively shrink from anyone we fear might be angry or displeased with us and we will keep that person at arm’s length. Your enemies want you to be standoffish from the only One who can truly deliver you and defeat their attempts to bring you down. They don’t want you to rejoice in God’s forgiveness but to feel miserable and isolated from the warmth of God’s comfort.   Your whole life will light up when you know in every fiber of your being that Almighty God is, to use one of the closest human expressions, madly in love with you.   Nothing is so exciting, fulfilling and heart-warming as being loved by the most wonderful Person in the universe.   No one understands you like your Maker. He alone has been with you every moment from your conception. No one feels your every pain and delights in your happiness like God. No one longs to exalt you and shower you with gifts as much as him.   More than anything else in the universe, glimpsing the immensity of God’s personal, passionate love for you will flood your life with peace and security. Thereafter, neither death nor disaster could ever rob you of the eternal love throbbing within you. Suddenly life will have meaning like never before.   Yes, the God with powers beyond our wildest dreams delights in you, loving you more passionately than the most devoted mother or proudest father or grandparent, and more than any starry-eyed lover has ever loved.   And yet God’s spiritual enemies are relentlessly scheming ways to undermine your awareness of the purity and intensity of God’s boundless love for you. Every Christian on this planet is subjected to this repeated assault. Remaining continually conscious of God’s love for us and convinced of its magnitude is one of life’s greatest and relentless challenges.   The groundless fear that the loving, forgiving Lord frowns on us is like an oppressive fog. It saps us of enthusiasm and weakens our eagerness to cooperate with God in receiving the wonderful things our loving Lord longs for us to enjoy. Contrast this with the assurance that the King of all kings is thrilled with you; that there is a real sense in which you are the center of his universe and that he is selflessly devoted to maximizing your eternal happiness. A glimpse of God’s never-ending love for you will spur you to victory in every area of your life. Your faith will soar and you’ll be inspired to mind-boggling heights of achievement.   So bookmark or note the web address of this page to ensure you won’t lose it and then pamper yourself by exploring every link below. Each is prayerfully crafted to intensify your awareness of, and enjoyment of, the most exquisite love anyone could ever dream of. As you proceed through the links you will find comfort and help in squashing your doubts that God sees you as special and is in love with you; doubts that God is lovable and doubts that he is truly good and kind and selfless and fair.   You wouldn’t believe how excited I am about taking you on life’s most thrilling and fulfilling adventure. If, however, I wanted to help you experience the heights of playing sport, as much as I might wish to do it all for you, much would depend upon you as to how far you go. So it is with life’s greatest adventure: I’ll do my utmost, but the more  you  put into it, the more astounding the result will be. In fact, no matter who you are, if you exceed my resolve to seek the heart of God, there is no reason why you cannot end up surpassing my enjoyment of God. I challenge you to shame me by doing just that. Obviously, I cannot take you beyond where I have been, but I’d be deeply honored if God granted me the privilege of pointing the way.   Before we take the plunge, we need to pray. Please join me.   Loving God, I long for you to be the love of my life. I hear of others having gooey feelings about you and dramatic spiritual experiences but at times it seems my only feeling is that of being left out. I want to find you warm and intimate and perfect in all your ways but sometimes you seem cold and aloof and more interested in other people.   If you truly are the God of infinite love, the God whose love is so staggering that it surpasses knowledge (Ephesians 3:19) with the power to go far beyond what I can ask or think (Ephesians 3:20), I dare to ask for love that surpasses my wildest dreams.   Nevertheless, I crave not just excitement and fulfillment but reality. I don’t want to be duped by sentimental nonsense. Neither do I want to be sidetracked by superficiality so that I miss the wonders that you offer. I don’t want to delude myself, nor miss out on the best you have for me. Please open my eyes to your real nature. I want to know you as you truly are and to have the courage and conviction to devote my life to what you reveal. So I seek you for a spiritual revelation, a divine encounter so powerful that, whether it comes slow or fast, it ends up adding an entire dimension to my life. If you are so beautiful that – as they say even of nice humans – to know you is to love you, and if to know you is to truly live (John 17:3), open my eyes to the perfection and stunning beauty of your goodness. Captivate me. If the greatest commandment is to love you, my God, with my whole heart, soul and mind (Matthew 22:37-38), empower me to seek you tenaciously until I receive a revelation of your love that is so real and vast that I truly fall in love with you.   Not out of pride or selfishness but out of a yearning to thrill you, I want more of you than even what the average Christian settles for. May I become determined to do whatever it takes not to rob myself and break your heart by settling for less than the unique fulfillment and heights of ecstasy and intimacy with you that Christ suffered inconceivable agony for you and I to enjoy.   I’m a little apprehensive of where this might lead but perfect love casts out fear (1 John 4:18) and you are meant to be Perfect Love. If you really are Perfect Love, you alone are truly safe, and I open myself up to you. Come with me as I read the following pages. Empower me to use them as a diving board to plunge deep into spiritual reality.   Before I can expect you to do this, however, there is one nagging issue I need to settle. Facing up to this should not be as hard as it feels since one of the liberating things about drawing close to you is that I can truly be myself. I don’t have to hide my faults because you already know them. Moreover, you say over and over in your Word that you are eager to cleanse to spotless purity all who admit their failings, and that you lift high all who humble themselves.   I cannot expect you to open my eyes to your love if I have blinded those eyes with arrogance. So I need to come clean with you. I have called you God and yet criticized you as if you were the foolish one and I were the one with infinite knowledge and wisdom. I have called you Lord (meaning Master) and ordered you around – “Lord do this, Lord do that” – as if I were the master and you were my slave. In reality, you owe no one anything; we owe you everything. You have given and given and given, and in self-centered arrogance, each of us have taken and taken and taken. You have never wronged us; we have wronged you too many thousand times to count, and yet you have kept turning the other cheek and kept on forgiving, while we have had the hideous audacity to falsely blame you.   It’s not just other people who have done this, Lord: I’m guilty of it, too. I not only seek your forgiveness and cleansing, I ask that you show me anything I need do to cooperate with you in eradicating from my life arrogance, bitterness and any other blemishes that could spiritually blind me; fogging my ability to behold your beauty.   So now, if I have given myself enough time to settle these key issues, come with me as I walk through these webpages.   Having skimmed the surface in this webpage, I beg you to plunge into the helpful and inspiring reading below to deepen your awareness of God’s love for you. To maximize your enjoyment of the most wonderful Person in the universe, it is important to read prayerfully every page. They are part of an enormous Christian website, so to avoid getting lost, don’t forget to bookmark this webpage.

When Christians face trials ‘Beloved,’ says 1 Peter 4:12, ‘don’t be astonished at the fiery trial which has come upon you, to test you, as though a strange thing happened to you.’ In other words, painfully difficult times are a normal part of the successful Christian’s life. This is so contrary to our wishful thinking that not only do many of us fail to grasp this biblical truth, many honorable, sincere Christians get things so confused as to end up believing the exact opposite; imagining that things turning oppressive must mean either that God has let us down or that we must have let God down. Of course, none of us is infallible. It is spiritually healthy to check with our Lord every so often that we have not somehow slipped from God’s best, but merely being hit by what people would call catastrophes is by no means an indicator that we have veered off course. Indeed, such times are usually our opportunity to win eternal glory. Our flesh might crave a soft, indulgent life but we are called to higher things. We have not yet retired and gone to heaven. For as long as this sin-stained planet needs us, Jesus’ promise remains: “In the world you have oppression [or, as other versions put it ‘suffering,’ ‘distress,’ ‘affliction,’ ‘tribulation,’ ‘trouble,’ ‘trials and sorrows’] (John 16:33). Yes, Jesus has defeated evil. For us, like our beaten, ridiculed Savior (indeed, because of him) there will be an ecstatically happy ending that will totally and endlessly outshine every dark time encountered on the way. Nevertheless, the Almighty, in his love and mercy has delayed the full enforcement of Christ’s victory (Christ’s return) because it will necessitate the eternal destruction of everyone who has not accepted Christ’s salvation (2 Peter 3:9-10,15). Until that cataclysmic day, God’s rescue plan hinges on us remaining on a planet that is so hostile to God’s goodness, patience and mercy that it even tortured to death the perfect, all-powerful Son of God. Further on in this web series we will see from Scripture that being on the planet where we are desperately needed exposes us not merely to possible persecution but to many other types of suffering. Should you want a cozy existence, I have no idea what to suggest, since even the most indulgent earthly life – or any alternative to serving Christ – so abysmally fails to deliver that it ends in inconceivable horror. All I can guarantee with divine authority is that if you want a pain-free time on earth, you definitely will not find it by devoting your life to Christ. For the greatest adventure, being stretched to reach your highest potential and an earthly life that ends up achieving so much that you will end up praising God for it for all eternity, serving Christ is the only way. That, however, is as incompatible with a soft life as it is impossible to become a hero or elite athlete by living a life of ease. God’s love for us is so intense and personal that our suffering is like a knife in his own heart. That stupendous love, however, extends to those who, like we once were, are currently in rebellion against him. Like a mini-version of Christ’s sufferings, mind-boggling good – both for us and for this needy world – will flow from our temporary trials, but to keep this in perspective, here’s what I’ve placed in several webpages: As an oyster, instead of ejecting a detested irritant, transforms it into an exquisite pearl, the infinitely good Lord takes acts he despises and, in staggering patience and breath-taking genius, fashions them into love-filled masterpieces of divine beauty. We end up so awestruck by the finished masterpiece that it is hard to realize that the initial elements were not acts of God but satanically-inspired manifestations of ugliness that crushed God’s heart and repulsed him. We must recognize the process, lest in our confusion we defame our Lord by supposing he instigated things that were utterly contrary to the perfection of his love and goodness. On the other extreme, evil is so obvious early on, that one can mistakenly suppose the good Lord is nowhere to be found. Faith in God’s goodness is the one thing that will save us from the danger of seeing only the obvious and being thrown by circumstances. Balancing Act Let’s never forget that our Almighty Lord is the God of miracles; the God who through Paul delivered a slave woman from demons and yet didn’t intervene when he was beaten and imprisoned for that very act (Acts 16:16-24). [Put another way: the Almighty did not deny Paul and Silas the immense honor what will last for all eternity (Acts 5:40-41; 2 Corinthians 4:17; Matthew 5:11-12; 1 Peter 4:13) of suffering for the One who suffered for them. Their praises as they bled in stocks in prison, not only witnessed to every prisoner (Acts 16:24-25) but has touched every reader since.] This is the God who then sent an earthquake to unshackle Paul and Silas and set all the prisoners free (Acts 16:26) and yet had the apostles remain in prison until they led the jailor and his family to the Lord (Acts 16:27-33) and until the authorities not only released them but personally apologized (Acts 16:36-39). He’s the God who not only released Paul from prison on that occasion but who twice in Acts (and who knows how many times since) sent an angel to miraculously break Christians out of prison (Acts 5:19; Acts 12:7-11). Instead of God doing this on another occasion, however, Paul – the one through whom “God worked special miracles . . . so that even handkerchiefs or aprons were carried away from his body to the sick, and the evil spirits went out,” (Acts 19:11-12) – was divinely allowed to languish in prison while he wrote precious parts of Scripture and witnessed to guards and palace officials (Philippians 1:12-14). This is the same God who kept Joseph locked up, for what must have seemed forever, on the most humiliating trumped up charges (Genesis 39:17-20), until finally not just moving Pharaoh to release him but to instantly make him a ruler in Pharaoh’s court (Genesis 41:14, 39-44). A friend of mine had an experience in which she saw a door in heaven and was asked to go through it. She managed to do so but it was hard because the entrance was crammed with thousands upon thousands of people milling. She asked the Lord why so many people were outside the door and he replied that many come to him and receive salvation but few truly enter into his kingdom and experience all the wonderful things he has for them. Instead, they teeter between the two kingdoms. He explained that these people thought they had to die before experiencing the wonders of his kingdom, even though he had already died in their place. This is despite Christ’s very prayer being that it would be on this earth as it is in heaven. I would be appalled if I were ever to discover that I have been needlessly missing out on any of the power and blessings available in the here and now. But neither do I want to be so mesmerized by New Testament miracles that I end up foolishly disillusioned with the God of the New Testament if my suffering approaches a fraction of that of the Apostle who wrote much of the New Testament. Though it is so hard to stretch our narrow minds wide enough, let’s embrace all of Scripture until convinced that our God is the God who worked miracle after miracle after miracle for the faith heroes in Hebrews 11 and the God of the faith heroes in that same chapter who “. . . were tortured, not accepting their deliverance, that they might obtain a better resurrection. Others were tried by mocking and scourging, yes, moreover by bonds and imprisonment. They were stoned. They were sawn apart. They were tempted. They were slain with the sword. They went around in sheep skins and in goat skins; being destitute, afflicted, ill-treated . . wandering in deserts, mountains, caves, and the holes of the earth. These all, having had testimony given to them through their faith, didn’t receive the promise” (Hebrews 11:35-39). The Bible is not some ancient history book about how God used to act before he lost his power; nor is it an account of how he acts in the lives of rare individuals; it is a book about your God; the God who loves you and believes in you and is keen to use his omnipotence in and through you as he has with others. He is the eternal Lord “who always leads us in triumph” (2 Corinthians 2:14) but whose ways are so ingenious that it takes eyes of faith to perceive that triumph prior to it becoming obvious where he is leading us. Let’s not for a moment think God acted predictability in the Bible and another way outside of it. The Word of God is no slick brochure crafted to lure ordinary people with stories that apply only to the elite. Neither does it gloss over hardships encountered in the perplexing rough and tumble of everyday life resulting from living with a superior being. God’s ways are just as mysterious in the divinely authorized account as they are in your own life. The more intelligent a decision, the more factors that are considered when determining the best course of action. The Lord of the universe, the God of infinite love and intelligence, perceives so many more things that need weighing up than we could ever imagine. Like children thinking their parents cruel for giving them vegetables instead of an endless supply of candy and ice cream, there are many elements in divine wisdom that elude our appreciation. Believe it or not: none of us would want a God whose ways are so crude and inept that they conform to what our puny intellect deems to be best. The New and the Old Jesus said a good Bible teacher is like ‘a householder, who brings out of his treasure new and old things’ (Matthew 13:52). I believe he was referring to what we would call the New and Old Testaments. Nevertheless, in this series of webpages about trials I feel the need to mix both new and old parts of my writings to maximize your comfort and empower you to see how thoroughly the Bible teaches that we can expect hard times. If the following is new to you it is too important for me to omit. If you have already discovered it in my other writings, you are likely to benefit from re-reading it but feel free to move on to new material in When Christians Suffer Hard Times. That’s the next page in this series and the link also appears at the end of this page. Let’s begin with a couple of quotes relevant to what we have just been considering about divine wisdom. Basking In Infinite Love Embraced by divine love, your life will be tinged with mystery but aglow with glory. Tucked in the heart of Scripture sleeps a tiny psalm of precious truth (Psalm 131). The singer confessed that as a mother denies her baby access to her milk when it’s time for her darling to be weaned, so God sometimes denies us things we crave. Yet as a weaned infant lies warm and secure in its mother’s bosom, our soul can nestle into God, not knowing why we have been denied that which we have clamored for, but content to draw love and comfort from the Father’s heart. As the heavens soar far above us, high and unreachable, so is God’s wisdom (Isaiah 55:8-9; Psalm 139:6; 147:5; Romans 11:33-34; Job 11:7-9). Our tiny minds may understand the Father’s ways no more than a babe understands its mother, yet still we can rest in Him, bathed in the certainty that when the omnipotent, omniscient Lord lets the inexplicable touch a child of His, it is a manifestation of unfathomable love. In the hands of the One who wouldn’t so much as break a damaged reed or snuff a smoking wick, you are safe (Matthew 12:20). There is nothing fickle about God. He is perfect in all his ways. And timing is an integral part of perfection. Like vine branches, we are not continually laden with fruit. That would be unnatural (Ecclesiastes 3:1). For a significant portion of its life, a grapevine is nothing but a dry, twisted stick; fruitless, useless for shade, worthless as timber; to all appearances fit only to be ripped from the ground and reduced to ashes. Yet those barren times are as vital in the life of the vine, as the seasons of fruit. If spring could tip-toe past nature without stirring it from its winter slumber; if the sun could slip through the sky without dispelling the night; if rain could fall to the ground without bringing life to the desert – only then should you fear dry times, dark times, lean times. Though you feel as useless as a fur coat in a heat-wave, the time will come when your warmth is treasured. For everything there is a season. God established the pattern millenniums ago: Sarah knew nothing but barrenness for ninety distressing years, yet became the ancestress of multiplied millions. Eye-Opener The Bible is the biggest eye-opener. It shocks us by revealing that reality is spectacularly different to our superficial impressions. It declares that trials, though by their very nature highly unpleasant, are reasons for rejoicing, not sorrow. I used to think the Bible was saying, ‘Rejoice, even though trials are tragedies.’ Finally, I began taking more notice of the context and discovered that it is actually saying something stunningly different. It is not saying, ‘Rejoice, despite the trials,’ but ‘Rejoice, because of the trials.’ It is saying, ‘Trials are a spiritual windfall. Throw a party when hard times come because they are like being given an exciting promotion at work, only exceedingly better. They increase your spiritual status, your contribution to the Kingdom, and your spiritual pay packet. By developing your character, tough times increase both your eternal reward and your ability to achieve things of lasting significance. The God of the Bible does not beg us to seek miracles but to seek wisdom. His yearning is not to use us as lab rats to work miracles on and show off his power. On the contrary, he longs to dignify us for all eternity by imparting his wisdom to us. The great illusion is that Christians enduring hard times seem to be hard done by. The astounding reality is that these people are actually receiving a priceless bonus. It is as staggering as hacking through someone’s chest, grabbing the flesh of his heart and claiming the victim is being blessed. An ignorant person would never believe it. Only someone who realized that the person is undergoing life-saving heart surgery would understand that the apparent cruelty is indeed a great blessing. Likewise, we are usually too ignorant and too focused on life this side of the grave to understand spiritual blessings. Daze of our Lives God’s saints accomplish great things while staggering around in dazed bewilderment. ‘By faith,’ says Scripture, ‘Abraham, . . . went out, not knowing where he went’ (Hebrews 11:8). ‘I go bound in the Spirit to Jerusalem,’ said Paul, ‘not knowing what will happen to me there’ (Acts 20:22). The disciples were frequently stunned or mystified by Christ’s words and behavior. The psalmists were forever asking, ‘Why?’ (e.g. Psalm 10:1; 22:1; 42:9; 43:2; 44:23; 74:1; 88:14). And in the midst of his suffering, Job didn’t have a clue what was going on. The curtains are often drawn in God’s waiting room. It’s exciting to gaze ahead, but faith grows best in the dark. Life in the sunshine is so exhilarating that we seldom notice our faith beginning to droop. It’s when things are dim, that spiritual life mushrooms. Dark mysteries bring great blessings. At the close of the year that saw the death of his newborn son and then the death of his wife and then assaults on his own health, Hudson Taylor wrote, ‘This was the most sorrowful and most blessed year of my life.’ When it’s sunny we want to run off and play. It’s when it’s darkest that we hold Father’s hand the tightest. In the gloom, qualities like faith, grit, and dedication, are stretched to limits we have never before reached. Yet life seems so oppressive we are oblivious to our triumphs. In pristine conditions eyes of faith can see forever. When storms close in, it is a mammoth task for those same eyes to even slightly pierce the swirling murk. It is the conditions, not you, that have deteriorated. Contrary to every feeling, you are not regressing. Though offered with the best intentions, much sentimental waffle is sometimes uttered about returning to one’s ‘first love’, as if the starry-eyed euphoria of new Christians is greater than the mature depths of your average older Christian. Poppycock! Most spiritual honeymooners are radiant primarily because they think they have entered a blissful world of near-perfect Christians, instant answers to selfish prayers and a life forever free from pain, heartache and trials. Theirs is most likely mere puppy love, relative to the ardor moving you to tough it out. Never confuse devotion with emotion. Though I’m all for emotional exuberance, the Bible measures love, not in tingles per second, but in putting one’s life on the line (1 John 3:16-18). It’s pain endured in the valley, not gooey feelings in the afterglow of mountaintop ecstasy, that validates love. By all means, passionately seek the face of God, but don’t assume that emotional deadness – a normal phase of anyone’s spiritual life – implies spiritual deadness. We march by faith, not by warm fuzzies. An athlete, in the midst of a record-breaking run, has never in his life been so fit and strong. Yet his pain-racked body may have never felt so weak. Likewise, in the midst of a spiritual trial, it is not uncommon to be stronger and yet feel weaker than ever before. And to fellow Christians you might seem hopeless. An ultra-marathon champion staggering up the final hill looks pathetic. A child could do better. Anyone not understanding what this man has gone through would shrink from him in disgust. Only someone with all the facts would be awed by his stamina as he stumbles on. Consider Scott and his team, who struggled to the South Pole only to discover their honor of being the first to reach the Pole was lost forever. Amundsen had beaten them by about a month. To add to the futility, they endured further blizzards, illness, frostbite and starvation only to perish; the last three dying just a few miles from safety. Yet today their miserable defeat ending with death in frozen isolation, witnessed by not a living soul, is hailed as one of the greatest ever epics of human exploration and endurance. Every fiber of my being is convinced that their glory is just a shadow of what you can achieve. Though you suffer in isolation and apparent futility, with the depths of your trial known to no one on earth, your name could be blazed in heaven’s lights, honored forever by heaven’s throngs for your epic struggle with illness, bereavement, or whatever. The day is coming when what is endured in secret will be shouted from the housetops. Look at Job: bewildered, maligned, misunderstood; battling not some epic foe but essentially common things – a financial reversal, bereavement, illness; – not cheered on by screaming fans, just booed by some one-time friends. If even on this crazy planet Job is honored today, I can’t imagine the acclaim awaiting you when all is revealed. Your battle with life’s miseries can be as daring as David’s encounter with Goliath. Don’t worry that others don’t understand this at present. One day they will. And that day will never end. You’ve hit so many brick walls, it’s no wonder your nose is out of joint. Life seems hopeless. Every day it feels you’ve slumped another notch. To maintain even a glimmer of faith in such darkness is a spectacular victory. It may take everything you’ve got just to hold on. But do it. You are pumping spiritual iron. If your blossom is dying, it’s so that the fruit can grow. Remember the cripple at the temple gate: he hoped for alms and got legs (Acts 3:1-3). Creator God loves surprises. And he loves you. Earth sees us flattened on the wrestling ring canvas in faith’s fight. Heaven sees us forming on the canvas of the Great Artist. Half-completed works of art look ugly. All that matters, however, is the finished masterpiece. Forget appearances. Yield to the Artist. The result will be breath-taking. Depressed Christian Achievers William Carey’s relentless succession of achievements in the face of oppression suggests he was no more deterred by tragedies than a locomotive by butterflies. I was stunned to learn that this amazing missionary pioneer sometimes suffered what one biographer called ‘sheer black depression’. C. H. Spurgeon, revered as the nineteenth century’s greatest Baptist preacher, was so plagued by discouragement, depression, fatigue and illness that he tendered his resignation thirty-two times in thirty-nine years. Interestingly, he gradually discovered that such lows always seemed to precede new times of empowering for ministry. A modern preacher, world-famous for his emphasis on possibility thinking, sat dejected on a building site and pronounced the death-sentence on his pet project. ‘You can’t give up,’ gasped his advisers, ‘the whole world is looking at you!’ ‘If only I could have a good old-fashioned heart attack and fail with dignity,’ was his pathetic reply. Such grim anecdotes charge me with hope. If past heroes and modern champions of positive thinking can have such bouts, I need not let the Accuser belittle me just because I am appallingly negative at times. For twenty-four-year-old David Brainerd, thrilling experiences in God’s presence were regularly interspersed with deep bouts of melancholy in which he despaired of ever achieving anything in God’s service. Three years later, an unprecedented outpouring of the Spirit upon American Indians erupted after his preaching. This move coincided with a time when the clammy clouds of dejection were so thick that he was seriously contemplating ending his missionary endeavors. A. B. Simpson – that highly respected missionary statesman, exceptional preacher, and founder of the Christian and Missionary Alliance – was yet another great achiever who ‘was always susceptible to periods of despair.’ Though his highs soared to supernatural visions, they did not prevent his lows. I don’t make excuses. Having the disposition of a professional prune taster is nothing to boast about. Depression usually marks lost faith in the One with whom I have entrusted my future. It dishonors the One who floods my life with endless love and manipulates for good everything that touches me. When I’m low, however, the last thing I need is despondency about my despondency. Though we slide on a downer, that does not make us losers. A horde of spiritual giants have been on the slide before us and lived to excel. Take heart from the man exalted as Scripture’s prime example of faith (Romans 4; Galatians 3:6-9; Hebrew 11:8-19; James 2:21-23). In an early chapter of Genesis, God tells Abraham on two separate occasions that he will give him the land and descendants (Genesis 12:2,7). Just four verses later we find Abraham humiliating Sarah, denying that she is his wife. In cowardly deceit, he stands dumbly by as Pharaoh marries Sarah and takes her into his harem (Genesis 12:10-16). Next chapter, God yet again details the promise of land and descendants (Genesis 13:14-17). Nevertheless, two chapters on, we find Abraham expecting to die childless. For a fourth time God insists he will give Abraham descendants. At last the old fossil believes. The Lord, thrilled with Abraham’s refound faith, repeats his vow to give him the land. In disbelief, Abraham asks for a sign (Genesis 15:2-8). With divine patience God dramatically shows the mighty man of faith not only his future descendants, but what will happen to them. In the next chapter we find our faith model throwing away any hope of a miracle from God. He resorts to dubious natural means to forcibly accomplish what God seems unwilling to do. He bypasses his wife and turns to her maid for a baby (Genesis 16:1-3). Years later, the Lord yet again reaffirms his promise to Abraham and declares that Sarah would conceive. Abraham laughs. He is sure his wife has more potential as an Egyptian mummy than as a Hebrew one. ‘She’s too old. Just bless Ishmael,’ is the crux of his reply (Genesis 17:17-18). Yet the Lord persists. One more time our hero gropes for that slippery fish called faith. Before long, he is again passing off Sarah as his sister, showing more faith in his powers of deception than in God’s integrity. This time it is King Abimelech who almost has a go at impregnating Sarah (Genesis 20:2-3). Just weeks later, (assuming Genesis 18:10 to 21:2 are in chronological order) she conceived Abraham’s baby. Faith is not a non-stop flight above reality; it’s a fight. What distinguishes people of faith is not how rarely they hit the dirt, but how often they get up again. To be perpetually positive is impossible. The mere attempt embroils us in prayer battles and Abrahamic effort. The enemy often flees to his corner, only to prepare for the next round. You might even have climbed out of the ring, but the reward for getting back in exceeds anything anyone could offer. ‘Lord, increase our faith,’ pleaded the disciples. ‘If you have faith as small as a mustard seed . . .’ came the reply (Luke 17:5-6, NIV). Perhaps our greatest need is not huge faith, but to fully use our small faith. Perhaps we miss out because we devalue our faith, not using it to the fullest because we wrongly imagine that tiny faith is too insignificant to move the hand of God. If faith is more valuable than gold, (1 Peter 1:7) the merest speck is too precious to despise. Do not let feelings of inadequacy strangle your faith. Just keep pressing on. Past greats achieved much with floundering faith. So can you. Like everyone, my faith levels fluctuate. Usually I am aware that a few moments dwelling on faith-building truths or squashing negative thoughts would boost my faith a little, but I foolishly let myself remain at a lower faith level than I know I am capable of. I have failed to take faith as seriously as Scripture does. If it is as valuable as Scripture affirms, then only a fool would pass up an opportunity to slightly increase it. If our Lord valued faith at a dollar, then a one percent increase is not worth bothering about. What can you do with a cent? If common faith is of immense value, however, everything changes. On a million dollars, one percent is $10,000 – well worth a little effort! Praise-Fest Paul’s patience was at breaking point. Day after day, wherever they went, the demonized slave-girl kept shrieking that Paul and Silas were God’s servants. Then, in a moment of desperation, he did it. He expelled the demon. And his greatest fears froze to excruciating reality (Acts 16:16-24). They were arrested, tortured and thrown in prison. Incarcerated like common criminals? No such luck. It was the maximum security block for them. Everything pointed to a painfully long stay. Put ourselves in Paul’s stocks and our thoughts might be something like: ‘What an ant-brain! I walked right into Satan’s trap! Things were going so well – converts were being baptized, Lydia had opened her house to us – and like a twit I blew it! Now I’ve been flogged. Poor Silas is in agony. Both of us are in the slammer, no longer free to preach the Gospel. All because of me! If only I’d kept my cool . . .’ I’d have been as miserable as an elephant with sinusitis. Yet instead of berating himself or being bullied by pain, the apostle sang praises. Almost instantly, tragedy yielded potent ministry. Not only was the Lord blessed and fellow prisoners touched, the jailer and all his family were converted. Praise turned misery into ministry. Praise snaps locks. If a door to ministry slams, praise can burst open another. If you think praise is hot air, you are right. It’s the hot air that makes faith balloon, lifting us to new heights in God, while warming the Father’s heart. Praise is life-changing. I could extol it for pages, but singing its praises is often easier than singing praises. It takes enormous energy for a space vessel to blast off from earth on its way to another world. As it continues to leave earth’s gravitational pull, however, progress gets easier and easier until it is actually pulled along by the heavenly body it is headed for. With praise, too, it is the first part of the journey that is so demanding. The wonders of the rest of the voyage, however, makes the sometimes-huge initial effort so worthwhile. The less we feel like praising, the more we need its power. I suspect Paul used a couple of tricks to break through despair into victorious praise. Paul and Silas had so mingled worship with life’s humdrum that when things soured, their lips were still warm with his praises. There was no groping for a half-forgotten praise vocabulary; no brain-racking to find something praiseworthy in God. Praise was not a pill in their emergency kit; it was their way of life. If one of their helps was habit, the second was song. When praise is a struggle, melody and beautiful words can bear us forward. A third help was fellowship. They joined their praises. Where possible, do the same. My next suggestion, like the others, is far from original. Multitudes have found that it works. Don’t try to start at the top; just find a few reasons to be grateful. Things could be worse. Thank God they’re not. Thank him that things have not always been as dire as they now seem. Lean heavily on tiny blessings. As they multiply in your head, they will provide a rich array of praise material. You can even turn negative tendencies into an asset. We all need reminders to praise throughout the day. If your mind regularly clogs with negative thoughts, train yourself to use each recurrence of doubt or fear or gloom as a reminder to praise God. Each negative thought is packed with potential praise material. If, for instance, you are hounded by the thought that you are getting older, let it nudge you to thank God for the years he has given you. Praise him that your times are in his hands. Take comfort that at least someone is older than you – God – and revel in the knowledge that he will never fall for modern society’s infatuation with youth. Every time you feel old, rejoice that Jacob was in his nineties when he had his all-night wrestling match with an angel. [Joseph was 30 when he began serving Pharaoh (Genesis 41:46). When Jacob arrived in Egypt about nine years later (Genesis 41:48,53,54; 45:11), Jacob was 130 (Genesis 47:9). Jacob was therefore about 91 years older than Joseph, and the time between Joseph’s birth and Jacob’s wrestle was long enough for him to engage in an extensive animal breeding program (Genesis 30:25-28,31-32; 31:7-9).] Exalt the One who empowered eighty-five-year-old Caleb to conquer the enemies’ mountain strongholds, (Joshua 14:10-15; 15:13-15) gave Job his greatest blessings in his later years, (Job 42:12) and bypassed millions to show the Christ child to elderly Anna (Luke 2:36-38). Yet if being filled with the joy of the Lord were as easy as flicking a switch, there are still times when we would prefer to sulk. Forgetting that it is faith, not tears, that most moves our Lord, we secretly hope that if we are sufficiently miserable, he will have pity on us. That’s like trying to scale a mountain by digging a hole. Praise achieves things self-pity or self-recrimination could never do. ‘I will give you all my praise,’ I sang in a congregational song. Suddenly I realized I had lied. Every time I grumble I am praising the devil. Every complaint is an insult to God. For balance, however, listen to Psalm 13. This dirge opens with, ‘How long, Lord? Will you forget me forever?’ With similar moans in the next few verses, the ancient blues singer continues his sob story. Then, just when we know where he is heading, he suddenly slams his song into reverse and declares, ‘I will sing to the Lord, because he has been good to me..’ The tail end of that little psalm looks as out of place as a fan of peacock feathers on the end of a pig. Yet no matter how odd it seems, psalm after psalm confirms that we can mingle praise with our pain. These inspired prayers prove that our Lord wants us to vent on him our grief and frustration. He wants honesty, not denial, and still he wants our praise. Try hard enough and in every circumstance we can find reason to complain and reason to rejoice. To praise is to feast on the goodness of God. To complain is to languish in the squalor of self. It’s your choice to rejoice Or to blame and complain. To sing a refrain Or refrain to sing Is to gain new ground, Or go round and round. Raise your praise Or weep in defeat; Make the gain Or remain the same. Curse and be worse; Praise and be raised. It’s you who choose To win or lose. To praise is to party. It is cutting the cords to earthly burdens and heading for heaven’s joys. It infuriates the devil because it not only plucks us out of the misery he had meticulously planned, it lets us sneak into the victory celebration ahead of time. To praise is to cheat the devil, laugh in his face and step into God’s time machine. Praise magnifies God. The alternative magnifies the problem. The last thing we need is a ‘small’ God and large problems! What will we choose to exalt: the mighty, eternal God, or the puny, temporary problem? Praise pricks bloated problems by empowering us to glimpse the enormity of God. Build muscle on your faith by constantly praising God, delighting in his answer ahead of time. It takes the wait off your mind. Your greatest contribution might flow from your greatest weakness. If you find my writing useful, it’s because I have felt useless. It’s the spear through my heart that binds me to the pain in yours. It’s years plagued with questions that have unearthed answers. Had something dulled my pain, no one would be reading my writings. Great men like Whitefield and the Wesleys suffered enormously in their struggle to find salvation. Whitefield’s spiritual need was so all-consuming that his fastings almost killed him. John and Charles were inconsolable until at long last they found salvation. Spurgeon suffered so greatly in his quest for salvation that he wrote, ‘I had rather pass through seven years of the most languishing sickness, than I would ever again pass through the terrible discovery of the evil of sin.’ Not surprisingly, their subsequent ministries eclipsed that of almost all Christians who have been spared such anguish of soul. John Bunyan’s spiritual torment was horrific. With a severity that few of us could even conceive, year after year he was repeatedly overwhelmed by a consciousness of sin, hopelessness and the seemingly certain prospect of an eternity in Hell. Then followed long years of harsh imprisonment, intensified even when not in prison by the very real threat of execution or deportation. No wonder Pilgrim’s Progress is such an outstandingly powerful book. Much of it was virtually autobiographical. Mark Virkler’s torment was his inability to hear God’s voice. In vain he sought the help of those who regularly heard from God. They could not even understand his problem. For them, it’s as easy as prayer. Year after year, Mark wrestled in the agony of silence. Why would a Father who longs to communicate with his treasured children, allow him to suffer so cruelly? Because, unlike those for whom hearing comes easily, Mark now has answers which have swept thousands to ‘the other side of silence’. Traumas qualify us for ministry like nothing else can. After losing his sight, Dr. William Moon prayed a prayer that was powerfully answered: ‘Lord, help me use this talent of blindness in your service . . .’ Barbara Johnson has touched incalculable numbers of people for the glory of Christ, because of the numbing horror of being robbed of two sons through death, losing a third to a gay lifestyle, and her husband being critically injured. Who would have heard of Corrie ten Boom or Richard Wurmbrand if they had not suffered in prison camps? Rather than test your patience by citing hundreds more examples, let me conclude by stating the obvious: for vast numbers of Christians, the spiritual impact of their lives seems directly proportional to their past agony. Situations they would have most wanted to avoid – times when death seemed preferable – empowered their lives like no other experience. Ishmael Paranoia Among the lessons to be learned through Abraham becoming a father is not that we should do nothing and leave it all to God. Had this been Abraham’s attitude, the miracle would never have happened. The key lay not in doing nothing, but in doing the right thing – trying yet again to fill a barren womb. We can be so paranoid about conceiving an Ishmael, that we fail to produce an Isaac. To stop trying for a child through Sarah would have been just as devoid of faith as using her maid. Faith is leaving the security of inactivity and deliberately exposing ourselves to the painful possibility of defeat. It is Jonathan and his armor-bearer going out to meet the enemy; not his comrades hiding in holes hoping for a miracle (1 Samuel 14:1-15). It’s Peter saying, ‘Lord, if it is you, command me to come to you on the waters. . . ,’ and then stepping out of the boat (Matthew 14:28-29). It’s that same fisherman saying, ‘Master, we worked all night, and took nothing; but at your word . . .’ (Luke 5:5). It is Paul, once again facing a hostile crowd. It is you, trying one more time. Faith is fundamental to all Christian service (Mark 11:24; John 14:12; Galatians 3:2-3; Hebrews 4:2; 11:6; James 1:6-7; 1 John 5:4). Like a seedling, it should constantly grow (2 Corinthians 10:15; 2 Thessalonians 1:3). It is easier on ourselves if we start exercising faith now, in minor things, than to expect to pluck out of the air mountain-moving faith when it is critically needed in ministry. A delay either quickens your faith to rise to the challenge, or it’s a dead wait. For much more help, comfort, encouragement and insight concerning trials, see the next page in this series: When Christians Suffer Hard Times. Next Page

Was Jesus Uniquely Perfect?   Do not miss the significance of the many Scripture references cited below. These are primary historical documents of a reliability seldom seen in the realm of ancient history, written by (Eg 2 Peter 1:16) or heavily dependent upon (Luke 1:1-4) eyewitnesses. And note the natural bias of the witnesses. They were utterly convinced of the sinfulness of every human (1 John 1:8,10; Romans 3:9,10,23). This was a basic belief of not just the early Christians, but of the Jewish religion that had been drilled into most of them almost from birth (1 Kings 8:46; Job 15:14; Psalms 130:3; 143:2; Ecclesiastes 7:20; Isaiah 53:6; Jeremiah 17:9). Yet still they came to the staggering conclusion that Jesus was sinless.   General  – When appealing to the common knowledge of non-Christians, Peter could speak confidently of the good Jesus had done (Acts 10:36-38).   Jesus’ religious opponents   The only charge they could make stick was that he made claims no normal man could make.   Pilate  – John 19:4-14; Matthew 27: 23-24 Pilate’s wife  – Matthew 27:19 Jesus’ betrayer  – Matthew 27:4 Jesus’ executioner  – Matthew 27:54; Luke 23:47 The thief crucified with Jesus  – Luke 23:41 A demon  – Mark 1:23-24   People who knew Jesus intimately:   John the Baptist  – Matthew 3:13-17 John the apostle  – John 1:14; 1 John 2:29; 3:5 Peter  – Luke 5:8; Acts 3:14; 1 Peter 1:19; 2:22; 3:18 Early Christian witnesses  – Hebrews 4.15; 7:26; 9:14 2 Corinthians 5:21 Jesus’ own mother and brother believed in him  – Acts 1:14; Galatians 1:19   Jesus’ own testimony  – John 5:30,36; 7:18; 8:29; 10:32,38; 14:11, 30-31; 15:24   Don’t dismiss this. The more godly people are, the more conscious they are of their sinfulness. (Cf Ephesians 3:8; 1 Timothy 1:15) Jesus stands out as a stark exception to this rule. ‘Who can accuse me of sin?’ he dared ask a hostile crowd. (John 8:46)   An angel   – Luke 1:35        Foreseen by Old Testament prophet s  – Isaiah 53:9,11; Jeremiah 23:5; Zechariah 9:9     Objections It is sometimes thought that Jesus must have sinned for one of the following reasons:   Jesus cursed a fig tree  – If Jesus swore because of the tree we would have reason to question his character. The word ‘cursed’ is clearly not used in this sense, however, because all he did was to say to the tree, ‘You will never bear fruit again.’ (Matthew 21:19)        Jesus got angry at the temple money changers  – The disciples’ immediate reaction is revealing. Jesus’ action reminded them of a relevant Scripture and they saw the event as proof of Jesus’ godliness – that he was moved by the things that move God. (John 2:15-17; Psalm 69:9) From beginning to end, the Bible is filled with references to God’s anger. (Eg Exodus 15:7; Deuteronomy 9:7-8; Ezekiel 7:19; Romans 2:5; Revelation 16:1) Christians have always made a distinction between righteous anger and selfish anger. There was nothing impulsive about Jesus’ action. He displayed complete self-control. He went to the temple, looked around, and left because it was late. The next day he drove out the temple workers. (Mark 11:11,15) To see if any selfish anger resided within Jesus, examine his response when he was cruelly and unjustly executed. ‘Forgive them,’ was his cry.        Jesus dishonored his mother by addressing her as ‘woman’   – Most modern Bible translations use expressions like ‘dear lady,’ but even these seem artificial. The Good News Bible does not even try to translate it. There is, in fact, no exact English equivalent for the word that is in the original text. ‘A term of endearment and respect’ is one Greek scholar’s description of the word. We have only to examine one of the contexts to see the accuracy of this description. Jesus used this term of address in the tenderest of moments. He was on the cross dying in agony. His heart-broken, probably widowed, mother, soon to be bereft of her son, was looking on, and Jesus was making final arrangements for his most loving disciple to look after her for the rest of her life. (John 19:26-27)        Conclusion:  Distance in time and culture, a superficial look at a text and an unfamiliarity with biblical morality can momentarily throw us, but a more careful examination affirms that Jesus was uniquely without sin.

Just some of the New Testament’s Warnings To Christians About Being Deceived Matthew 7:15 Beware of false prophets, who come to you in sheep’s clothing, but inwardly are ravening wolves. Matthew 7:22-23 Many will tell me in that day, ‘Lord, Lord, didn’t we prophesy in your name, in your name cast out demons, and in your name do many mighty works?’ Then I will tell them, ‘I never knew you. Depart from me, you who work iniquity.’ Matthew 16:6 Jesus said to them, “Take heed and beware of the yeast of the Pharisees and Sadducees.” Matthew 24:4-5 Jesus answered them, “Be careful that no one leads you astray. For many will come in my name, saying, ‘I am the Christ,’ and will lead many astray. Matthew 24:11 Many false prophets will arise, and will lead many astray. Matthew 24:24 For there will arise false christs, and false prophets, and they will show great signs and wonders, so as to lead astray, if possible, even the chosen ones. Mark 12:38-40 In his teaching he said to them, “Beware of the scribes, who like to walk in long robes, and to get greetings in the marketplaces, and the best seats in the synagogues, and the best places at feasts: those who devour widows’ houses, and for a pretense make long prayers. These will receive greater condemnation.” Luke 21:8 He said, “Watch out that you don’t get led astray, for many will come in my name, saying, ‘I am he,’ and, ‘The time is at hand.’ Therefore don’t follow them. Acts 20:29-31 For I know that after my departure, vicious wolves will enter in among you, not sparing the flock. Men will arise from among your own selves, speaking perverse things, to draw away the disciples after them. Therefore watch. . . . Romans 16:17-18 Now I beg you, brothers, look out for those who are causing the divisions and occasions of stumbling, contrary to the doctrine which you learned, and turn away from them. For those who are such don’t serve our Lord, Jesus Christ, but their own belly; and by their smooth and flattering speech, they deceive the hearts of the innocent. 1 Corinthians 3:18 Let no one deceive himself. . . . . 1 Corinthians 6:9  . . . Don’t be deceived. . . . 1 Corinthians 15:33 Don’t be deceived! . . . 2 Corinthians 11:3 But I am afraid that somehow, as the serpent deceived Eve in his craftiness, so your minds might be corrupted from the simplicity that is in Christ. 2 Corinthians 11:13 For such men are false apostles, deceitful workers, masquerading as Christ’s apostles. Galatians 2:4 This was because of the false brothers secretly brought in, who stole in to spy out our liberty which we have in Christ Jesus, that they might bring us into bondage; Galatians 1:7-8  . . . Only there are some who trouble you, and want to pervert the Good News of Christ. But even though we, or an angel from heaven, should preach to you any “good news” other than that which we preached to you, let him be cursed. Galatians 6:3 For if a man thinks himself to be something when he is nothing, he deceives himself. Galatians 6:7 Don’t be deceived . . . Ephesians 4:14 that we may no longer be children, tossed back and forth and carried about with every wind of doctrine, by the trickery of men, in craftiness, after the wiles of error; Ephesians 5:6 Let no one deceive you with empty words. . . . Colossians 2:4 Now this I say that no one may delude you with persuasiveness of speech. Colossians 2:8 Be careful that you don’t let anyone rob you through his philosophy and vain deceit, after the tradition of men, after the elements of the world, and not after Christ. 2 Timothy 2:17-18 and those words will consume like gangrene, of whom is Hymenaeus and Philetus; men who have erred concerning the truth, saying that the resurrection is already past, and overthrowing the faith of some. 2 Timothy 3:5-6 holding a form of godliness, but having denied its power. Turn away from these, also. For some of these are people who creep into houses, and take captive gullible women loaded down with sins, led away by various lusts, 1 Timothy 4:1-2 But the Spirit says expressly that in later times some will fall away from the faith, paying attention to seducing spirits and doctrines of demons, through the hypocrisy of men who speak lies, branded in their own conscience as with a hot iron; 2 Timothy 4:3 For the time will come when they will not listen to the sound doctrine, but, having itching ears, . . . 2 Timothy 4:14-15 Alexander, the coppersmith, did much evil to me. The Lord will repay him according to his deeds, of whom you also must beware; for he greatly opposed our words. 2 Thessalonians 2:3 Let no one deceive you in any way. . . . Titus 1:10-11,16 For there are also many unruly men, vain talkers and deceivers, especially those of the circumcision, whose mouths must be stopped; men who overthrow whole houses, teaching things which they ought not, for dishonest gain’s sake. They profess that they know God, but by their deeds they deny him, being abominable, disobedient, and unfit for any good work. Hebrews 3:13 but exhort one another day by day, so long as it is called “today”; lest any one of you be hardened by the deceitfulness of sin. James 1:16 Don’t be deceived, my beloved brothers. James 1:22 But obey God’s word. Do not just listen to it. If you just listen to it, you fool yourselves. James 1:26 If anyone among you thinks himself to be religious while he doesn’t bridle his tongue, but deceives his heart, . . . 2 Peter 2:1-3 But false prophets also arose among the people, as false teachers will also be among you, who will secretly bring in destructive heresies, denying even the Master who bought them, bringing on themselves swift destruction. Many will follow their immoral ways, and as a result, the way of the truth will be maligned. In covetousness they will exploit you with deceptive words: whose sentence now from of old doesn’t linger, and their destruction will not slumber. 2 Peter 2:18-19 For, uttering great swelling words of emptiness, they entice in the lusts of the flesh, by licentiousness, those who are indeed escaping from those who live in error; promising them liberty, while they themselves are bondservants of corruption; for a man is brought into bondage by whoever overcomes him. 1 John 1:8 Do we say, ‘We have no wrong ways’? Then we are fooling ourselves, and we do not know what is true. 1 John 3:7 Little children, let no one lead you astray. . . . 1 John 4:1 Beloved, don’t believe every spirit, but test the spirits, whether they are of God, because many false prophets have gone out into the world. 2 John 1:7 For many deceivers have gone out into the world, those who don’t confess that Jesus Christ came in the flesh. . . . Jude 1:4 For there are certain men who crept in secretly, even those who were long ago written about for this condemnation: ungodly men, turning the grace of our God into indecency, and denying our only Master, God, and Lord, Jesus Christ. Jude 1:12-13 These are hidden rocky reefs in your love feasts when they feast with you, shepherds who without fear feed themselves; clouds without water, carried along by winds; autumn leaves without fruit, twice dead, plucked up by the roots; wild waves of the sea, foaming out their own shame; wandering stars, for whom the blackness of darkness has been reserved forever. Warnings to Churches with Spiritually Dangerous People in Them: Revelation 2:14-16 But I have a few things against you, because you have there some who hold the teaching of Balaam . . . So you also have some who hold to the teaching of the Nicolaitans likewise . Repent therefore, or else I am coming to you quickly, and I will make war against them with the sword of my mouth. Revelation 2:20-21,24 But I have this against you, that you tolerate your woman, Jezebel, who calls herself a prophetess. She teaches and seduces my servants . . . I gave her time to repent, but she refuses . . . But to you I say, to the rest who are in Thyatira, as many as don’t have this teaching, who don’t know what some call ‘the deep things of Satan,’ to you I say, I am not putting any other burden on you. Related Pages Spiritual Deception The Spiritual Essentials for Accurate Bible Interpretation

God Isn’t fair? How could God be fair when some get an abundance and some get a raw deal? The Truth About God I’ll begin with a story. I will mention its source later but whether it is true or factitious is not the issue. The question we must grapple with is whether God sees it as realistic. Is it how God operates or it is off-track? Angelo, a dirty, smelly street bum, trudges down the street. A kitten gets in his way. He almost boots the creature, then thinks better of it and roughly shoves it out of the way with his foot. In another corner of the world, a man on fire for God teaches the Word of God, witnesses, and visits the sick without let up. He loves the Lord fervently, and genuinely cares for people. Obviously, his ministry delights the Lord more than Angelo’s decision not to kick the cat, right? Wrong. As much as God approved of this man’s godly life, the Lord was even more moved by Angelo’s action. The man doing so much good had been born into a wonderful, godly family, grew up in a thriving church, and studied at one of the best Bible colleges. He had been entrusted with a hundred portions of the capacity to love but was using only seventy-five. Angelo, on the other hand, had been born deaf. He was abused and kept in a dark, cold attic until found by authorities when he was eight years old. Then he was shunted from one institution to another where the abuse continued. Finally he was turned out on to the streets. Angelo had been given just three portions of the ability to love and such was the rage within him that he had to use every speck of those three portions to refrain from hurting that kitten. Angelo proved so faithful with the little that God had given him, that the Lord gave him three more portions of the ability to love. He used every bit of that to stop stealing. He almost starved. He collected bottles to buy the little food he could get. Though still unable to hear, he learned to read and the Lord sent him a gospel tract and he welcomed Jesus into his life. Again the Lord doubled the love given to Angelo and again Angelo used it all, spending over half of the little money he had to buy gospel tracts to hand out to people. Every church rejected him. In the eyes of everyone on earth, he achieved almost nothing. In his entire life he won only one person to the Lord. Finally he died, frozen to death trying to keep a drunk warm. Now flash to the hereafter. See Angelo among heaven’s elite, ruling from a magnificent throne, hosts of angels waiting to respond to his command. See him honored above millions of Christians and rewarded far beyond multitudes of famous Christian leaders. If this story reflects spiritual reality, then it might be that in eternity there are equalizers that perfectly compensate for earthly inequalities. But is the thought behind this story mere fantasy? The story has come to us by a controversial means. A Christian author claims he learned the above story through a powerful series of divine visions. Whether you dismiss this author as a crackpot or revere him as a man of God is of no consequence to a discussion about whether God is fair. What matters is whether or not such a story is consistent with how God treats people. Is every Christian’s heavenly reward the same? Or could an illiterate outrank a godly theologian in the next life? Could a retarded person be exalted above a spiritually gifted person? Are there eternal compensations so extravagant as to somehow make the most severe earthly suffering worthwhile? Could it be that in the assigning of heavenly rewards, our earthly disadvantages and hardships are so lovingly considered and with such precision that the final result is so exquisitely fair as to leave everyone awestruck? We will grapple with such issues by first considering whether the story of Angelo lines up with the Word of God. Then we will tackle other matters that make us question God’s fairness. ?  ?  ?  ?  ?  ? ? ?   ?  ?  ?  ?  ? Biblical Reality Versus Fantasy Jesus kept emphasizing that the person who is faithful in little will be given much. He also stressed that the assigning of heavenly rewards will differ so markedly from the present distribution of comfort and honor that many will be flabbergasted. Biblical revelation is clear that eternal rewards and compensations for earthly trials will differ immensely from Christian to Christian. For instance, Paul taught that as we build upon the foundation of Christ, we can use ‘wood, hay or straw,’ or we can choose precious, fire-resistant materials. The fire of Judgment Day will reveal the true nature of what each person has built. ‘If what he has built survives, he will receive his reward. If it is burned up, he will suffer loss; he himself will be saved, but only as one escaping through the flames’ (1 Corinthians 3:14-15). In one of Jesus’ parables, all were entrusted with the same amount of money but one ended up with eleven times more plus control over ten cities, another had only five times more than he started with and control over five cities, and one ended up with nothing but his life, while the master’s enemies lost even their lives (Luke 19:12-27). Just as we all have life, and yet have very different lives, so all true Christians will have eternal life, but very different eternities. Paul urged us to run the race of life, motivated by the knowledge that in a race there is only one winner (1 Corinthians 9:24). In other words, many miss the prize. To win heaven’s higher rewards is rare and takes extreme diligence. Eternal life is God’s gift to every competitor who merely lasts the distance. Beyond that, our heavenly prize hinges upon our earthly faithfulness. ?  ?  ?  ?  ?  ? ? ?   ?  ?  ?  ?  ? Scriptures Throwing Doubt on the Story of Angelo Screaming in the minds of many readers are some serious objections and questions to the above and if I were to proceed those screams would grow even louder. Rather than tease you by waiting until later to ease these concerns, I’ll stop mid-stream to face these matters head on. Although we could keep citing Scriptures about Christians receiving differing heavenly rewards, there are other Scriptures that seem to say that we each receive identical rewards and even that there is no such thing as a reward for earthly faithfulness because, given our sinfulness, every good thing is a gift from God, not something we could ever earn or deserve. It is important to note that this clash of biblical truths is not, for example, the apostle Paul seeming to contradict Jesus, but Jesus seeming to contradict himself, and Paul seeming to contradict himself. Both of them emphasize both truths. Obviously, in the mind of Jesus, and also in the minds of other biblical writers, there was no contradiction. The problem must not be with them, but with our difficulty in understanding precisely what they are referring to. Let’s start with Jesus’ parable of workers who were employed for different lengths of time and yet received the same payment (Matthew 20:1-16). First, we should remind ourselves that although powerfully inspired, parables are simple stories. As such, they are usually intended not to detail every conceivable complexity but to illuminate a single point. Other complications are likely to be taken up elsewhere in Scripture, but no matter how divinely inspired parables are, it would be ludicrous to expect each tiny story to cover every possible scenario. This parable looks at those who were not given the opportunity to work until the latter part of the day. No mention is made of people who deliberately kept refusing work until the last moment, hoping to grab full payment for little effort. Nor were there people who commenced work and then spent most of their time in the field goofing off. How these two latter groups would be treated, is an issue not addressed in this parable. To consider it here would be to ruin the memorable simplicity of the story. Many other parables suggest that such people would lose some of their reward. Nevertheless, this parable is not about such people. It is about those who until the last moment seemed to be getting a raw deal. Even though they wanted to work, it seemed until almost the last hour that they would miss out entirely, and then that they would get little, despite their need being as great as anyone else’s. In the end, however, this apparent unfairness was fully corrected. Every true Christian knows that we are born into God’s family as a completely undeserved gift from God. We realize that this priceless gift is received simply by trusting that Jesus died in our place to remove all the spiritually devastating consequences of our sins, thus making us as holy as the One whom we can now be on intimate terms with. Despite this understanding, however, we are still tempted to fall into the trap of thinking that after spiritual birth the rules suddenly change – that spiritual growth ceases to be an unearned gift from God but comes through God rewarding us for our devout attempts to please him. These who feel at home with spiritual jargon would put it this way: it is a most dangerous error to suppose that although we commence our spiritual lives by grace through faith, we proceed to maturity by works. We attain holiness, answered prayer, victorious living, spiritual blessings, and God’s special favor and approval, the same way we receive salvation – by grace through faith. Such blessings are never earned. They are gifts from God, not rewards for our efforts. They come to us by the sheer generosity of the Almighty, who gives to all who simply believe that the specific blessing we want is freely available through what Jesus achieved by sacrificing his life for our inadequacies. God’s blessings are gifts, and yet they are not surprises, except perhaps for their timing. They come to those who know enough about God to expect them. God never gives us what we deserve. If he did, we would each be thrown into hell the moment of our first sin; in fact, the moment of our birth, if you consider the full ramifications of original sin. So any moment any human spends outside of hell is solely the grace of God. Since we deserve not reward but eternal punishment, God has not the slightest obligation to positively reward anyone for anything. As Jesus implied, the best that the greatest of us could achieve is to be ‘unworthy servants’ (Luke 17:10). There is no way the Almighty needs our labors. We can give him nothing that is not his already. Anything we try to do for God would have been done better and quicker and cause him less embarrassment if he had done it himself. Nevertheless, in his extravagant love, God chooses to reward his servants according to their faithfulness. Without incentives and consequences, life would lose much of its meaning. No matter how many superficial pleasures it contained, a life in which nothing we do matters would be hellish. A society in which no one is ever called to account would be chaos. Could it be that as we continue to explore this subject we might discover that God’s rewards are the great equalizers that correct life’s current inequalities? Could it be partly as a result of the way the Lord will assign eternal rewards that everyone complaining against God will finally be lost in awe at the perfection of his ways? As you read further, other objections are likely to come to your mind. I hope to address each one of them, but of course we can deal only with one matter at a time, so please keep reading until your mind is fully satisfied. ?  ?  ?  ?  ?  ? ? ?   ?  ?  ?  ?  ? God’s Staggeringly Different Perspective People are putting money in the offering. You see varying amounts go in. A well-dressed man pulls out a huge wad of notes. Your eyes nearly pop. There must be thousands of dollars in his fist as he drops them in. Then it’s the turn of a withered, shabbily dressed woman. In her time-ravished hand are two five cent coins – a miserable total of ten cents.  Why does she even bother?  you ask yourself,  What good . . . ?  Suddenly you notice that Jesus’ eyes have lit up. Excitedly, he gathers his disciples around him and proudly declares, ‘This poor widow has put more into the treasury than all the others. They all gave out of their wealth; but she, out of her poverty, put in everything – all she had to live on’ (Mark 12:43-44). It was the one who seemed to be giving the least, whom he exalted as giving the most. Jesus makes visible the very heart of God. What matters to God is not how much we give but how deep we had to dig to give it; not the actual value of our contribution to the kingdom, but how much of what we have that we give. This divine principle applies to every aspect of life. If, for instance, we have almost no faith but we give God 90 percent of the little we have, the all-knowing Lord sees this as being more commendable than those who display much greater faith but are actually using only 80 percent of all the faith that they could muster. A person filled with doubts and fears and suppressed anger at God, but still doing the little he or she can to hold on to God, could easily be seen by the Lord as having more faith than someone used to raise the dead. All our abilities and opportunities are gifts from God. We can’t impress him with his own gifts. Just as a good parent is as proud of a helpless new born baby as he is of its toddler brother and teenaged sister, the Omnipotent Lord thinks no higher of someone with many gifts or responsibilities. The one thing that moves the Almighty is the extent to which we seek to maximize however much or little he has entrusted to us. If our eternal reward hinged on earthly advantages we might have reason to question God’s fairness, but the Judge is not like that. None of us knows our true potential. God alone knows how we have fared relative to that potential, and it is on this basis that Christians are rewarded. God is Judge and everyone knows that a judge must be impartial. ‘Will not the Judge of all the earth do right?’ asked Abraham (Genesis 18:25), with as much confidence as if he had asked, ‘Will not the sun rise tomorrow?’ Our conviction that a judge must be fair comes from God himself. Of course, there is such a thing as a corrupt judge, but wherever you go in the Bible it shouts that God is righteous. Life is full of injustices, and the ultimate injustice was when the Son of God – in the absolute sense, humanity’s only Innocent – was crucified. He bore in his entire being the full consequences of every injustice this planet has ever seen. He did this to make it legal for him to reverse – by force if necessary – every injustice. That is what the Second Coming is all about. His delay is none other than his mercy in giving us opportunity to repent before crunch time. Those who respond before it is too late will spend eternity marveling at God’s justice. The rest will spend eternity suffering God’s justice. We might often misuse it, but the brain we think with was made by God. He’s a bit smarter than us. Likewise our ability to understand morality doesn’t come from an accident in a primeval swamp. It comes from God. The Almighty’s understanding of justice is as superior to our own as everything else about him is superior. We, not God, are the ones who see and know imperfectly. We are the ones who have biases. When all is revealed, we will see that God alone judges perfectly.

Therapy / Help for Abusive Introject Alters / Insiders   How to Cure / Stop ‘Bad’ Alters   What makes the following so useful and a simple learning tool is that it is an actual record of e-mail exchanges between a host and counselor showing the exact process by which the alter was helped and underwent a significant transformation that is typical of alters as they heal. It is of immense value and most encouraging to everyone wanting to learn how to help alters heal. (Alters, also known as insiders, are parts of a person who has Dissociative Identity Disorder (D.I.D.), also known as Multiple Personality Disorder (M.P.D.). This webpage gives insight into a somewhat rare type of alter known as an introject. Because this introject was an abuser, however, it helps readers know how to bring relief and healing to any angry, nasty alter. Moreover, parts of the following are also relevant to helping still other types of alters. Names have been changed and dates concealed to preserve anonymity but Jim writes quite well and the following has only had very minor editing, such as the insertion of an occasional question mark and correction of a rare spelling error. The e-mail exchange took place in an Internet Chat version of Group Therapy that I created for people with D.I.D. E-mails were sporadic. All of Jim’s e-mails to everyone have been included, as well as all the group’s e-mails to him. His host, Sharon, also occasionally e-mailed Jim via the group. These are included. The host and other alters of hers wrote much to the group, as did other members of the group, but only those e-mails of direct relevance to Jim have been included. Occasionally, words were used by the alter that I’ve never used in my life. I have not gone to all the effort to produce this webpage for onlookers’ idle curiosity. If you are too “holy” to be exposed to such language – mild by many people’s standards – perhaps you should consider going straight to heaven and leave the real work of helping the lost and hurting to others. I’ve yielded to the temptation to jettison authenticity and censor questionable language by replacing it with *#!%@. If you discover a word I did not run through  Find and Replace,  please let them know – it was my final revision and given its length, I haven’t had time to recheck it. The following might be triggering to certain readers. Healing, however, is reserved for those with the courage to face triggers. Now might not be the right time for you but if you plan to spend the rest of your life avoiding triggers, don’t expect to heal. Several different alters and people were involved, and this has been color coded. The following is an introduction to those participating, in the color used whenever they write. Jim is the primary alter being helped. Sharon is Jim’s host. Jennifer is another of Sharon’s alters. Muscles is yet another of Sharon’s alters. Headless is an alter of another group member, whom we have called Mary. Headless has undergone some healing but is still distressed over some things. Punk is another of Mary’s alters. Punk once saw herself as a boy but she has healed considerably. She used to protect and care for a younger alter, Enchanted, but these days they are usually merged. They both know Jesus well and this has greatly contributed to their healing. I’m Grantley. I happen to have a degree in psychology and much experience in helping people with D.I.D. but, except for 6 months as a research assistant, I have never pursued psychology or counselling as a career. My primary ministry is writing and I have literally many hundreds of major webpages on this website, which I established. What I do in helping people with D.I.D. could be done by any Christian filled with the humility, love, patience, gentleness, kindness, faith and faithfulness that the Spirit gives. I prefer to quote key parts of the person’s email and then comment on them. The quotes are in this color. Day 1 Time: 01:17 hours I feel like I’m on a roller coaster ride in dealing with my P.T.S.D. [Post Traumatic Stress Disorder] and DID [Dissociative Identity Disorder]. One minute I’m up and the next minute I’m down. I’m feeling overwhelmed and not sure how to deal with it anymore. I had a session with my therapist today and an alter named Jim came out in the session. He is real, real mean. He is like my father was. My father’s name was Jim. He told my therapist that he likes being mean and that’s how he is. That he doesn’t know how to be nice. He tried to sabotage the session. I don’t know how to deal with all of the mean alters that I have. I know of 3 other ones. I left the session feeling very scared and was afraid that Jim would come out again and that he would encourage [my alters] Jennifer and Brenda to go to the cemetery to torch themselves. He has done that before and only by the grace of God they did not succeed in completing the act. I’m afraid of some of my alters and there are still some new ones coming out. I think Grantley do you not have webpages dealing with mean alters and if you do how do I find them? Does anyone else in the group have mean alters and how do you deal with them? I wrote a poem about what it is like to be on my P.T.S.D. and DID roller coaster ride. I would like to share it with Grantley and the group if that would be okay with everyone. [The following has been considerably abridged. Enough remains to convey the message, even if it butchers the poetry.] My P.T.S.D. AND DID ROLLER COASTER RIDE! Where are you Jesus When I cry out to You? Dear Jesus – please help take meTake me off of my P.T.S.D. and DID roller coaster ride. Jesus – hold me tight Until the ride I’m on stops – for you seeI am so frightened – so scared – so sick That if I don’t get off of the ride soon – dead I will be.Asking for this help is hard for me Because I am full of pride.Jesus – sometimes I feel like giving up Sometimes the ride is out of control Flashbacks – nightmares – memories – lapses of time, tooI question – is this my life to be.Jesus – I’m hanging on by a thread I close my eyes so I do not see.Let me know that there is hope Hope to get through this strife.Jesus – thank you once againFor listening to my cry for help again – for you see.Oftentimes I feel alone Hopefully your truth will set me free. Sharon [To Sharon from Grantley] You wrote: An alter named Jim came out in the session. He is real, real mean. I know that this can be scary but it’s a great step forward. Remember that whether you face it or not, he still remains within you and he will remain mean unless you get to know him. He is like my father was. My father’s name was Jim. He almost sounds like an introject but not quite. Introjects (see below) not only act like the abuser, they actually believe they ARE that person. Here’s a short quote from one of my pages: Abusive Alters Often when one takes the time to get to know an alter who is being harsh to fellow alters or hurting them or even sexually abusing them, it turns out that they actually believe they are helping. They might think, for example, that they are toughening up the alters, thus making them less vulnerable to abuse. Or, in the hope of saving the person from even worse abuse, they might enforce an abuser’s oppressive rules about never crying, or punishing them for doing anything the abuser might object to. Often the abusive alter is unaware that the abuser no longer has access to them and so the alter continues the oppression when there is no longer the slightest need. As always, it is important to try to understand what motivates an alter and to gently help the alter see through any misconceptions the alter has. Introjects An introject is a rather amazing type of abuser alter. Until the misconception is exposed, an introject not only acts  like  an external person the survivor knew, but every alter within the survivor – including the introject alter – actually believes that this alter is not an alter but is the real external person. At first, this seems astounding but it is consistent with the wide range of different things that alters can think themselves, including animals, aliens and so on. Often that external person is someone who abused the person who has this alter. Even though not all external abusers realize it, this type of introject alter enforces the external abuser’s wishes upon the alters when the abuser is absent. Some introjects actually report back to the abuser as informers. Not surprisingly, introjects have themselves suffered immensely. It is important to bring introject alters to the point where they finally realize they are part of the abuse survivor and not part of the external abuser. Helping them discover the current date and that they are in the body of someone other than the abuser can help. Once introjects become loyal to the survivor, the person’s safety is significantly enhanced. -------------- He told my therapist that he likes being mean and that’s how he is. He might have said that but he is actually in deep pain and is acting like this simply because it helps him feel safer. You need to give priority to getting to know him because he could hurt other alters until you calm him. You will win him over by showing him unconditional love, listening to him and gently explaining misconceptions he has and by encouraging him to make Jesus his best friend. Ensure he understands that he is now safe and that because he is safe there is no need for the tough exterior. It will take some time for these truths to sink in. Only by the grace of God they did not succeed in completing the act. You have God’s grace. You are safe. Do you not have webpages dealing with mean alters and if you do how do I find them. It’s not hard to find, my friend. All my pages on DID are listed at  Christian Index of Help for Dissociative Identity Disorder (D.I.D.)  and one page dealing with such alters is very prominent in the list. It is important that you read all the pages. I am so frightened – so scared – so sick That if I don’t get off of the ride soon – dead I will be. You are safe. God is with you. Keep looking to him and he will see you through. Jesus – sometimes I feel like giving up That’s to be expected. Asking for this help is hard for me Because I am full of pride. It’s more likely to be a product of how people have mistreated you, rather than pride. Bless you, Sis! Grantley Day 1 Time: 02:51 hours Who the #!%@ are you? There Sharon goes again! Trying to accuse me of sabotaging her session today. Does she not know what I’m capable of doing? I’ll just give her nightmares and flashbacks again. I’m good at doing that. I’ll just get her precious Jennifer and Brenda, who I hate, to hurt themselves. I have that much control. I like being mean and don’t try your smooth talking to get me to change. I’ll just get meaner. I had a very good teacher who taught me the tricks of the trade. I like seeing people suffer. Don’t you dare call me sick or try to get me to understand your way of thinking, it won’t work. I hate all of the insiders except for Earl and George, they think the way that I do. You don’t have to reply back. In fact, DON’T – STAY THE #!%@ OUT OF MY LIFE OR YOU WILL BE SORRY. Jim [To Jim from Grantley] You wrote: I like being mean Interesting. Does it bring you peace? Does it end your pain? Grantley Day 1 Time: 6:46 hours Can’t sleep having nightmares so I checked my e-mails and saw what Jim one of my alters wrote to you Grantley. I am just sick to know that there are alters like him inside of me. And it made me sick to see what he wrote to you, Grantley. After reading it I feel like I need to leave the group. (CRYING) I am scared that Jim will do something to hurt someone else in the group too and that would sadden me. So I want to thank everybody for being there for me. Sorry, I’m too scared and sick to write anymore. Sharon [To Sharon from Grantley] You wrote: I am just sick to know that there are alters like him inside of me. Learning about them is a most important discovery. And it made me sick to see what he wrote to you Grantley. I’m so glad he shared. After reading it I feel like I need to leave the group. Not at all. This is what the group is all about. I think I’m going to learn some things because of Jim. I believe in you! Bless you, my friend! Grantley Day 1 Time: 11:32 hours Yes it brings me peace. Peace of mind. Then I’m the one in control not the others. For when they are in control then there is more pain. You will not understand me so WHY EVEN TRY. I am nothing but a speck on the wall in your eyes so don’t try. I do what I do because that is what I had to do. Jim [To Jim from Grantley] You wrote: For when they are in control then there is more pain. Interesting. I am nothing but a speck on the wall in your eyes Not at all. Whether she realizes it or not, you are very important to Sharon and you are very important to God and to me. I do what I do because that is what I had to do. Am I right in thinking that the father hurt you if ever you didn’t do it? Grantley Day 1 Time: 12:04 hours Why aren’t you scared of me? You should be. And as far as God loving me that’s not true. And as far as my father I’m just like him – mean. Sharon does not like me. I hurt others and that makes her hate me. No one understands me and no one cares, not even God because if He did then nothing would have happened and I wouldn’t have done what I did. You don’t understand. I need to be in control of everything because if I’m not things will happen that are worse. Jim Day 1 Time: 12:17 hours Thanks for the e-mail explaining about alters who may be introjects. This all seems so overwhelming. If I try to love him isn’t that going to make him think that he can continue his mean behavior on all of us? I see he’s been e-mailing you. I’m really scared of him Grantley. And when he knows that he seems to get meaner. Help me understand him please. Sharon Day 2 Time: 04:25 hours I am so mixed up and confused. I’m too tired to fight the battle of dealing with my DID. (CRYING) Jennifer cut. Jim is encouraging her to suicide out. And I feel like it too. It’s all too overwhelming. Where is God in all this? I do not think He is there. I’ve lost faith in Him. Thanks Grantley for everything. Be there for others who haven’t lost the battle. Sharon [To Sharon from Grantley] You wrote: I am so mixed up and confused. I’m too tired to fight the battle of dealing with my DID. (CRYING) Jennifer cut. Jim is encouraging her to suicide out. And I feel like it too. This is REALLY tough for you, dear friend. Anyone in your position would find it exceedingly difficult. Please hang on. It will get easier. It’s all too overwhelming It feels that way but even though you are too numb to feel it at present, God is with you and you will make it. Where is God in all this? Crying with you. Believing in you. Loving you. Be there for others who haven’t lost the battle. You haven’t lost. You will make it. I’m proud of you. Grantley Day 2 Time: 12:16 hours Grantley, it is by the grace of God that Jennifer did not suicide out last night. She had a plan and a method and the means. (CRYING) God is an awesome God he saw me through the darkness of the night. I listened to 2 Christian songs over and over. They are I AM NOT ALONE – BY NATALIE GRANT and WHEN I CRY – BY THE GAITHERS VOCAL BAND. They are very powerful songs. They share that we are not alone that He is right beside us through the raging storms. And is there through the darkness. And he is there through our pain. And when we cry He cries and He understands. Grantley, I am so scared. There is so much chaos going on inside. Many of the insiders are afraid of Jim. How do I deal with Jim? I don’t know if I can love him. (CRYING HARD) I need a lot of prayers and support. Thanks for being there for me and thanks to anyone else who showed support last night. Sharon [To Sharon from Grantley] You wrote: it is by the grace of God that Jennifer did not suicide out last night. And God’s grace is with you all the time. You are safe because of him. God is an awesome God he saw me through the darkness of the night. And he will continue to do so. There is so much chaos going on inside. Yes, but even though it will take a while, this will slowly settle down. How do I deal with Jim? He needs lots of love and gentleness. He will slowly soften. I don’t know if I can love him. It’s certainly a challenge but ask God for you to be allowed to see him through God’s eyes. Day 2 Time: 23:32 hours LOOK HOW STUPID YOU ARE. YOU BOTH ARE #!%@ IDIOTS. YOU HAVEN’T WON THE BATTLE YET, I WILL BE SURE YOU DON’T. REMEMBER I AM IN CONTROL NOT YOU. AND THAT JESUS STUFF MAKES ME SICK. WHO ARE YOU KIDDING. HE’S NOT REAL. I’LL WIN OVER YOU. I WILL HAUNT YOU ALL. JENNIFER YOU ARE NOT SAFE AROUND ME DO YOU HEAR ME AND SHARON EITHER ARE YOU. WHY DON’T YOU JUST ADMIT YOU ARE CRAZY. WHY DON’T YOU JUST END IT ALREADY YOU ARE WORTHLESS, CONTAMINATED, DIRTY, AND A #!%@ WHORE. THAT IS THE TRUTH. I HATE YOU ALL AND I WILL GET REVENGE I ALWAYS DO. JIM [To Jim from Grantley] You wrote: YOU HAVEN’T WON THE BATTLE YET The only victory we want is for you to feel safe and at peace and valued. WHY DON’T YOU JUST END IT But all of you share the same body, Jim. If they died, it would kill you and we want you to live and enjoy life. Good to hear from you, Jim! Day 2 Time: 23:49 hours Just read Jims e-mail to Sharon and me. I’m really scared. I don’t know what to do. Sharon is scared too. What if he convinces me again to suicide out like he almost won last night. I feel like I’m living in a nightmare with no escape to be found. Will you help us. Thanks Jennifer [To Jennifer from Grantley] You wrote: What if he convinces me again to suicide out Jesus is stronger than anyone in the universe. Call out to him and he will protect you. Day 3 Time: 00:49 hours YOU ARE A FOOL. DON’T YOU KNOW LOVE HURTS? JIM [To Jim from Grantley] You wrote: DON’T YOU KNOW LOVE HURTS? Abusers often claim to be loving when they are abusing. So yes, such false love hurts. But real love is selfless and will not hurt the loved one. I’d very much like to be your friend. Grantley Day 3 Time: 01:11 hours Be your friend? You got to be kidding. I am slimier than a snake. I live in the murky clay. I am worthless. I loathe myself. I have been told that I am satan himself. There is no way anyone could love me. Don’t get me wrong I don’t want to be loved. Like I said love hurts. If you were smart you would not have anything to do with me. Jim [To Jim from Grantley] You wrote: Be your friend? You got to be kidding. Not at all. I’d love to be your friend. In fact, I would consider it an honor, but I don’t in any way want to offend you by asking you to be my friend. I’m happy for it to be a one way friendship since at this stage you haven’t had a chance to really know me. If you would accept me as a friend, I’d be delighted. I am worthless. I loathe myself. I am so sorry that you loathe yourself but I don’t loathe you in the slightest and neither does God. We see you as priceless. I do not say this lightly. A diamond is just a piece of rock. It can’t love, talk, think. Its worth is based not on what it can do but on what people are willing to pay for it. Diamonds are considered of great value simply because people will pay much to have one. You are far more precious to God than tons of diamonds and he paid a far higher price than all the wealth of a million earths to have you as his best friend. You have an irreplaceable place in God’s own heart. He loves you dearly and tenderly and devotedly. He paid the highest possible price – the willing sacrificial death of his holy Son – to have you as his best friend. I have been told that I am satan himself. Anyone saying such a thing about you does not have the heart of God. There is no way anyone could love me. God loves even those who hate him. Jesus gave his life so that you can be pure in God’s eyes. He can empower you to be a person of honor, and he longs for your permission to do just that. If you were smart you would not have anything to do with me. I believe I can detect kindness in you saying that – that you would not want me to be hurt. God is smarter than either of us, however. He has infinite intelligence and he loves you dearly – in a safe, totally selfless, sexless way. The smartest thing I could ever do would be to take his lead. Your friend, Grantley Day 3 Time: 03:18 hours You make me sick. Enough with the God stuff. You say you want to be my friend. HA HA. With your smooth talking. You’re like a spider who wants to befriend me so that you can snatch me into your web only to devour me and use me for your own good. They were all like that. Jim [To Jim from Grantley] You can think and say horrible things about me but you can’t stop me from caring about you. Your friend, Grantley Day 3 Time: 21:16 hours I need prayer! Went to medical doctor and found out I have pneumonia and bronchitis. The climate is very damp and cold where I live. I just had this same thing in November. I’m tired of being sick both physically and mentally. Thanks Sharon Day 3 Time: 02:32 hours I AM SICK OF SHARON BEING SUCH A WIMP. SHE IS SICK AGAIN. MAYBE SHE WILL DIE AND THEN I’LL BE FREE. I AM NOT A PART OF HER. I AM SEPARATE. AND I DON’T WANT TO HEAR ABOUT ANYMORE OF THAT GOD STUFF. SHE MAKES ME SICK AND THAT JENNIFER IS ONE BAD AND EVIL PERSON. SHE SHOULD HAVE LISTENED TO ME THE OTHER NIGHT AND ENDED IT. YOU DON’T WANT TO BE MY FRIEND BECAUSE I LIKE BEING IN CONTROL AND IN THIS GROUP OF YOURS YOU ARE IN CONTROL. THAT’S HOW THEY ALL WERE – IN CONTROL. I SAID ENOUGH. JIM [It is quite upsetting and confusing for an alter to be told what I was about to tell Jim. I would have preferred to have done it slower and gentler but I was suffering from migraines and the pressure of this ministry (Jim’s e-mails were just a tiny fraction of what I faced every day) and I felt that I needed to move fast lest Jim seriously undermine Sharon’s health by not realizing that they shared the same body.] [To Jim from Grantley] Hi, Jim! I’m sorry that I’m not too well or I would try harder to put the following in a gentler, more diplomatic way but the following is the best I can do at present. You wrote: SHE IS SICK AGAIN. MAYBE SHE WILL DIE AND THEN I’LL BE FREE. I AM NOT A PART OF HER I AM SEPARATE. Thank you so much for explaining this. I now understand you much better. You have stayed inside for so long that very much has happened without your realizing it. Are you aware that the year is 2011? Maybe you are – I don’t know – but your above statement is as out of touch as not knowing what year it is. I don’t wish in any way to insult you by saying this but you need to know the truth. Have you looked in the mirror through Sharon’s eyes? If you do you will NOT see a male but an older female – Sharon’s body. Check it out. Whether you like it or not it is an undeniable fact that you and Sharon and Jennifer share the same body and that for either of them to die would kill you. [Comment by Grantley to reader:  Telling Jim to look in the mirror worked out very well. Certain alters, however, have such a strong belief as to their appearance that sometimes the result of looking in an external mirror can be variable. For help with such alters, see  Helping introject alters find their true identity . I am currently drafting a webpage listing ways for introjects to discover they are not who they think they are. ] It is important to be strong and be safe. The most powerful way to achieve this is to get supernatural strength. That’s where God comes in. I LIKE BEING IN CONTROL That’s fine but when you do please try hard to get your facts right. Your friend, Grantley Day 4 Time: 20:56 hours Dear Jim, I’m sorry for the way I have been treating you. I was wrong and I just want to say thank you for all what you have done for me. I know you probably think this is a trick and you might not believe what I’m saying but I do mean it. Jim I want to love you and I know you’re hurting too much to accept that right now but maybe someday you will. Thanks, Jim. Sharon Day 4 Time: 21:02 hours Grantley I’m praying for you. Grantley I have been reading a lot of your webpages and am learning a lot. I am now seeing the importance of loving and accepting each of our alters. I am really trying to love Jim and with the help of Jesus I will someday. I know some of what Jim went through for me and how can I hate him anymore? I e-mailed him a message and I hope he will accept my apology. Take care of yourself Grantley. Thanks Sharon Day 5 Time: 02:14 hours I’m all mixed up and confused. Is that what you wanted from me? To let my guard down so you can lure me into your trap of deception. Ok, so I’m not separate but it doesn’t mean I still don’t have a lot of control. I have a question for you. So if your God is powerful then can I be like him? I’ll be honest I wish I wouldn’t have to be so in control but I’m afraid of what might happened if I let that control go. Jim [To Jim from Grantley] Hi, Jim! You wrote: I’m all mixed up and confused. Is that what you wanted from me. No, I just want you to understand reality so that you can truly help yourself and others. You have the potential to be a huge help but not even the most intelligent person can truly help if he has been denied some key facts. Ok so I’m not separate but it doesn’t mean I still don’t have a lot of control. Yes. Please excuse me if what I’m about to say seems a dumb question but I really don’t know whether you have had a chance yet to get all the facts. Do you know that your father is dead? So if your God is powerful then can I be like him? God is not only all-powerful but he is love. This is an amazing combination. You cannot fervently love someone without aching for that person to love you especially if you know that person desperately needs you in his/her life. To deeply love someone means you could have everything else in the universe, and yet without that person’s love you would still be heartbroken. To love is to make oneself so vulnerable that even having unlimited power could not help. Omnipotence could easily force someone to obey you. Or it could produce something like a love potion, causing a person to be under the illusion of loving you. But genuine love can never be compelled. If it involves force or chemicals or deceit or bribery it is a sham, and can never satisfy your yearning for that person’s love. There are things that not even omnipotence can achieve. It cannot, for example, produce a square circle. It can easily turn a circle into a square, but the instant it has straight sides it is not a circle. Likewise, when someone is forced to act in love, it is not genuine love. Even with unlimited power, there is little anyone could do to induce genuine love in a person, other than be loving and wait for a response. We would be appalled if a man kidnapped a woman and raped and enslaved her because he claims he loves her, wants her as his wife and is convinced he can make her happy. It would be an immoral abuse of power, regardless of whether he used physical force or threats in which case she would be conscious of the violation of her rights or if he used drugs or hypnotism so that she is unaware that what is happening is against her will. Real love respects the desires of the beloved, no matter how much it clashes with the lover’s personal longings, and no matter how certain he is that the person would benefit from a lifelong intimacy with him. I’ll be honest I wish I wouldn’t have to be so in control but I’m afraid of what might happen if I let that control go. I understand. You are a protector alter and you work very hard at it. Have a look at what other protector alters have done and have discovered:  To Protector Alters from a Protector Alter . Your friend, Grantley Day 5 Time: 03:15 hours You are so stupid. I am Jim. My father is not dead. I’m him. I told you that I’m mean and bad and evil and I enjoy being that. And what about all that love stuff. I don’t understand. Jim [To Jim from Grantley] You wrote: You are so stupid. I am Jim my father is not dead. I’m him. I see! This is getting clearer than ever. You are what is known as an Introject, which is an alter who believes he is his own abuser. You’re a smart person so you should be able to see the faulty logic when you say, “I am my father.” Logically, it is impossible for anyone to be their own father. If you look in a mirror through Sharon’s eyes you will see the body of an older woman, not your father I told you that I’m mean and bad and evil and I enjoy being that. You have tried hard to convince yourself that you like it – because that is how you think your father was – but deep down you are actually nice and not like that at all. And it is safe to be nice when anyone relaxes and let’s God protect him. And what about all that love stuff. I don’t understand. It means we respect you and think you are important and care about you and want to be kind to you. Your friend, Grantley Day 5 Time: 03:42 hours To Headless: You don’t get it do you. I am mean. I am meaner than mean. I am the scum of the earth. I’ve been told I’m satan himself. I’m sure you don’t want to be friends with me. Grantley is a fool. I conned him into thinking that I bought the thing that I’m a part of Sharon. I am Jim. I am her father. Jim Day 5 Time: 04:39 hours Hi, I’m so mixed up and confused. One minute there is peace inside and now there is just havoc. Jim is claiming that he is my father. Jim was my father’s name. My father died on  [a specific date in the early 1990s deleted for privacy reasons] . The parts are scared because they now think that he is alive and is the one e-mailing in this group. They don’t believe me. They are afraid to share anymore because they think he is monitoring everything that they share. How do I convince them that he is dead? I can’t go to the cemetery because that is too dangerous for some of the parts. Can someone give me an answer. Thanks, Sharon [To Sharon from Grantley] You wrote: How do I convince them that he is dead? Do you have any newspaper cuttings or can you access them or something similar on line? Day 5 Time: 05:34 hours Thanks so much for the reply and for explaining about Jim. I need to go to bed. I have pneumonia and bronchitis and am too tired to deal with this stuff anymore tonight, I will work on it tomorrow. Take care of yourself too. Thanks for touching my life with who you are, a beautiful person. Sharon Day 5 Time: 19:57 hours So you say I’m an INTROJECT. Just something that you thought of? WHAT THE *#!%@ IS AN INTROJECT? Explain more about that because I think you are playing games with me. I did look into the mirror and to my horror the mirror deceives me into thinking that you’re right – there was an older woman in it. But I don’t buy it. And as far as you saying you care for me don’t waste your time. I AM POWERFUL. I DO NOT NEED ANYONE. DO YOU HEAR ME. THE ONLY REASON I E-MAIL IS SO I CAN CONTINUE TO MONITOR WHAT IS GOING ON HERE. IN CASE THAT JENNIFER OR ANYONE ELSE E-MAILS HERE AGAIN. GOT TO STOP THEM FROM DOING THAT. I THINK THAT THEY ARE SCARED. GREAT!!!!!!!!! JIM [To Jim from Grantley] Hi, Jim! Great to hear from you again. You wrote: So you say I’m an INTROJECT. Just something that you thought of? WHAT THE *#!%@ IS AN INTROJECT? www.webref.org/psychology/i/introjection.htm  “In psychoanalytic theory, the unconscious incorporation of the values, attitudes, and qualities of another person into the individual’s own ego structure.” www.mdjunction.com/bipolar-dealing-with-ptsd/articles/complex-ptsd-introjects  – direct quote below: [I quoted a little more, but it is abridged here] “Introjects are alters who were split off to represent outside people, most typically an abuser . . . Introjects are as convinced as the other parts of the system that they [are] the same as the external people they represent. They think they are separate from the survivors, and separate from the body of the survivor. Many negative introjects will adamantly believe that they could hurt or harm the survivor / host of the system and not be hurt themselves. Introjects typically truly believe they are separate people, but they are, in fact, part of the DID system. For example, an abusive father introject (paternal introject) is an alter that looks, sounds, feels, acts exactly like your father. In fact, from the perspectives of the inside world, it is hard to tell the difference between the inside father and the outside father. A father introject will tell you what to do, how to behave, what to say, what to feel (or not feel), the same as your actual outside father. One of the main purposes of a father introject is to control your behavior when you are away from the father with the same intensity as if you were right in front of him.” Explain more about that because I think you are playing games with me. The above is a direct quote from the website. It wasn’t written by me and you can check it for yourself. You will see (above or at the website) that it actually mentions an alter who thinks he is his father. I did look into the mirror and to my horror the mirror deceives me Your mind was not deceiving you. When you stayed in your internal world you were able to be deceived because you were not looking at reality but creating a fantasy world in your mind. When you looked through Sharon’s eyes you were seeing reality for one of the first times. I understand how highly confusing this is for you and it will take you a while to get used to it. That’s okay. It is not your fault that you are confused and were deceived. It happened because of cruel and heartless things that were done to you by your father – things you never deserved. He tricked you. Now is the time to get your revenge against him by breaking free from his deception and to escape from thinking you have to be like him and begin to become the wonderful person you really are. there was an older woman in it. That is Sharon but it is also you because you share her body and her mind but your mind controls a different part of the brain to that part that she controls and that’s why you both feel like completely different people. This is very confusing and difficult to grasp at first but you are intelligent enough to understand it, even though it will take a while. It seems nuts, but it is reality. And as far as you saying you care for me don’t waste your time. Time spent helping you is never wasted. You are very important. I AM POWERFUL Yes, you are and now that you are beginning to understand more about who you are and who Sharon and the others are, you’ll be better able to use that power intelligently to be a real help. THE ONLY REASON I E-MAIL IS SO I CAN CONTINUE TO MONITER WHAT IS GOING ON HERE. Excellent! The more aware you are the better. Your friend, Grantley Day 5 Time: 21:51 hours Hi Jim, this is Sharon. I would like to share with you something. First of all I’m working on loving you and you are trying to fight anyone caring for you. I know that you are hurting otherwise you wouldn’t have made your presence known to me or the group. Maybe you’re afraid that if someone does love you will get hurt. I don’t want to hurt you. Whether you believe it or not you are a part of me and I realize that you were for a long time. I know you just came out recently. I was the older woman you saw in the mirror today. Jim, I don’t know how to say this. I don’t want you to think that you are not important. You are very important to me. You were there for me years ago. You helped me to survive my horrific childhood. I’m sorry I never acknowledged you before but I didn’t know you existed until recently. Also Jim I gently tell you that you are not Jim my father. He died on  [a specific date in the early 1990s deleted for privacy reasons] . I went to his funeral and also to his grave site. It is true he is dead. But you aren’t because you only have his name. According to Grantley you are all confused and understandably so. I hope you will realize some day how important you are to me. And there is someone else who loves and accepts you and that is Jesus. If you want to know more about Him just let me know. I love you Jim and accept you as you are. Jim I hope you will continue to e-mail Grantley who can help you deal with what I told you about you not being my father. You do exist, Jim and your existence is very important to me. Without you being a part of me makes me less whole. Thanks for letting me share with you Jim. Please feel free to e-mail me too. Sharon [To Sharon from Grantley] Superb email to Jim, Sharon! You are a real inspiration! You wrote: Grantley I’m praying for you. Thank you. I am exceedingly stressed over all my workload. I have been reading a lot of your webpages Thank you so much. and am learning a lot. Great! I am now seeing the importance of loving and accepting each of our alters. I’m thrilled. I am really trying to love Jim and with the help of Jesus I will someday. You will indeed. I know some of what Jim went through for me and how can I hate him anymore. Beautiful! Day 5 Time: 17:46 hours Hi I’m so mixed up and confused. All I have been doing is crying. I’m back on the roller coaster ride, one minute up next minute down. It is havoc inside and I’m tired of it all. When will it stop? I wrote a poem expressing how I feel. I would like to share it with the group. Thanks for letting me and thanks for the support. [The following is abridged] Hello tears – where are you coming from? I ask As you flow down my face.Nightmares – flashbacks trapped Trapped in the confines of my mind. No one to stop it No escape from it – do I find.I am so scared So scared of me.I want to razor-burn my arm So from the inner pain I will be set free. Oh God – where are you While I’m in the depth of despair? Please hear my pleading scream And let me know that you are there – and you care. Will I live? Will I die? f I don’t try Then dead I will lie. Razor crimson red blood flowing down my arm Burning flesh – where are you my friend? No more pain – no more anguish If death were my end. Have to stop that thinking that way Too much to live for – my family – too little time. But what if they look through the windows of my eyes Will they still love me in spite of what they find? I want them to be proud of me And to one day be able to soar up high in the sky. And be free – free like a beautiful butterfly Life is too short Can’t give up – for you see. I want to one day be free To be free to be who Sharon was meant to be. Sharon Day 5 Time: 23:34 hours First of all I want to thank you all for what you have done for me to survive my horrific childhood. And this is also for the parts I don’t know about yet in case you’re reading this while I write this. I just want you to know that our father is dead. He died on  [a specific date in the early 1990s has been removed] . He cannot hurt you anymore. Jim the one inside is claiming to be our father but he is very confused about his identity. And I hope with the help of Grantley and the group and our therapist and most of all Jesus that Jim will believe one day that he too is a part of us. I’m sharing this information so that you will all feel free to share whatever you want with me – in this group or with Grantley. And you can share it with Jesus too. He is there 24 hours a day. He is never too busy for us. I am working hard on understanding DID so that I can be there for all of you better. I know I wrote a poem earlier today expressing how I was feeling and I’m sorry if I scared anyone by thinking about dying. With the help of Jesus and by listening to Christian music I once again have things in proper perspective. I hope you will understand what I just shared. And don’t be afraid to ask me anything about anything. I hope this calmed you down and you are no longer afraid. Thanks once again for being there for me. Sharon [To Sharon from Grantley] You wrote: I’m sharing this information so that you will all feel free to share whatever you want with me– in this group or with Grantley. And you can share it with Jesus too. He is there 24 hours a day. He is never too busy for us. Beautifully said, Sharon! I am so very proud of you. You are a winner. Great things are ahead for you. I don’t know that I have met anyone who would have coped with the challenges you have found as courageously and wisely as you have. You have my sincere admiration. Day 5 Time: 03:21 hours Hi, Jim. You sound a lot like me. I’m glad you’re talking to Grantley. Man, I can’t tell you how many times I yelled at the dude! He will keep talking with you. I guess he’s kind of like the energizer bunny. He just keeps going and going and going. But as much as he made me mad and I would yell at him, he also started making sense to me somewhere along the way. Keep talking to him. He’ll eventually make sense to you too. By the way, I don’t believe you’re mean. I think you’re a lot like me. You are dealing with lots of pain and I dunno. Talk to yah later. Wanna be friends? Headless Day 6 Time: 00:04 hours To Headless, How do you think you can understand me? You don’t even know me. Pain I’m not in any pain. And as for loving Sharon, that’s a farce. Right now I’m so very mixed up and confused. Too much things coming to me. Too much information. I just need some time to think. You want me to be your friend but I ask WHAT’S IN IT FOR YOU? Jim  Day 6 Time: 03:58 hours Yes, I do get it. I get it all too well. There is something that is causing you such excruciating pain and perhaps you are holding a bunch of painful stuff for Sharon. You are doing a marvelous job of trying to protect her from further pain. But denigrating yourself is not helping you. It is you, hurting yourself. Trust me. (Well, you don’t have to trust me. You may not be able to at this point in time.) I’ll just tell you and you can choose to believe me or not. And maybe its time for me to look for a different name because I’m not really headless. I used to think so. But I’m not. Ok. I used to view myself as headless. And I still get very, very anxious about all the mistakes we make around here. And I’m really worried that I will make a mistake while talking to you. But I also feel your pain so much that I can’t help but talk to you. I don’t believe you are mean in the least. And you certainly aren’t scum. I believe what I’m telling you so much that I want to be friends with you. I wouldn’t be speaking to you if I really believed you were mean and scum. I believe you really do love Sharon. So much so, that you have taken on a completely separate identity from her so that you can protect her and keep her away from anything resembling what her dad was like. I believe you are attempting to shield her from anything that could even touch her dad. And you are trying so hard to hold onto all of that so that you can keep Sharon safe. But Jim, you don’t have to do that. You can be with Sharon and be safe. May I ask who told you that you were Satan himself? I don’t believe that for a moment. I don’t think you’re anything like him at all. I still wanna be your friend. Is that okay with you? Will you let me? Headless Day 6 Time: 00:08 hours Read your-e-mail and about introjects. And I read what Sharon e-mailed me earlier. I am just very confused and mixed up now about my identity. Is that what everyone wants out of me? Jim [To Jim from Grantley] Hi, Jim! I understand how confusing this is for you. I feel for you. You are not the only person who has had to come to terms with discovering that you are the opposite gender to your body and have a body so different to what you supposed. To see how someone else – a friend of mine – coped, see  I Thought I Was The Opposite Sex! Your friend, Grantley Day 6 Time: 02:03 hours Grantley, you are in my prayers. Thanks for all you for being there for us and for Jim. Take care of yourself. Sharon [To Sharon from Grantley] You wrote: Grantley, you are in my prayers. Thank you, my friend. Even though I am not well I have got up again to check on you. Every part of you is very important to me. One thing I suggest to any who doubt that your father has died is to ask them the date and then show them a calendar, newspaper, date on computer etc to prove to them the date. Work out how many years have passed since the date they thought it was and use that to prove how old your father would be if he were still alive. Day 6 Time: 18:50 hours I am satan  I must be. I am filth I am the scum of the earth. I look in the mirror and that’s what I see. Who am I? I ask. I am a freak. I read your website about being the opposite sex. I don’t want to be a woman. I am a male. This is too confusing for me. Jim [To Jim from Grantley] You wrote: I am satan. I must be. I am filth I am the scum of the earth. Not at all, dear friend. You are actually a very nice person who will be a great friend and help to others inside you and a great friend to others as well. I am a male. This is too confusing for me. Yes, it’s very confusing, but you are no freak. You deserve good friends. What happened is that you were so upset and frightened (and with real cause) because of your father and others who were hurting you that you decided that if you were a man – and especially if you were your father – you would be safer. You became so desperate to be safe that you pretended to be your father and you tried so hard that you ended up convincing yourself. But now very many years have passed and you have changed so much that you are safe being who you really are and you don’t have to let your dad win by acting as if you were him. It’s about time you had some fun and stopped him dominating your life even though he is dead. You deserve it. Your friend, Grantley Day 6 Time: 18:33 hours First of all I’m still praying for you. Are you feeling better? I just want you to know about Jimmy’s concern about Fred. Fred is still alive. He is 86 years old. My dad and mom would be well over 100. My brother was a friend to Fred and he drank and did fishing and other things with my dad. Fred was one of my abusers. I did tell the insiders that Fred was too old to hurt them anymore. And that I am old enough to call for help now, not like in the past. I want to thank you for being there for all of us especially for Jim. I don’t have anyone else to talk about this stuff to other than my therapist. Most of my family believes I am full of demons so I cannot share with them. It is only by the grace that one of my daughters found your site one day. And I thank God for that. Sharon [To Sharon from Grantley] You wrote: First of all I’m still praying for you. Thank you. Are you feeling better? I felt a little better for an hour or so but I’m beginning to slide down again. I did tell the insiders that Fred was too old to hurt them anymore. And that I am old enough to call for help now, not like in the past. Good. Are there other things you can do to increase the feeling of security? Pray about it. Most of my family believes I am full of demons I am so sorry. one of my daughters found your site one day. And I thank God for that. Indeed! Day 6 Time: 05:32 hours Hi, Jim. Thanks for writing me! I think I understand you because you are an alter and I am an alter. You have carried pain for Sharon and I have carried pain for Mary. Our hosts could not have survived without our help. Jim, I do believe you are in pain. You said you were mixed up and confused. And you have too many things coming at you. That sounds like a painful spot to be in. It is very painful to me to be confused and mixed up. That is one of the things that hurts me the most, is not being able to figure things out. You said that you need some time to think. That’s a need that I can understand. I feel that way a lot. And for you to want to figure things out shows that you have a lot of love for Sharon. If you didn’t love her, you wouldn’t care. And you wouldn’t want to invest the time to try and figure things out. You asked what’s in it for me for us to be friends . . . Well, I get the chance to reach out to you and encourage you and be there for you the same way others have been there for me. I care a lot about you Jim. Thanks again, for writing! Feel free to write me anytime. Headless Day 6 Time: 19:10 hours To Headless, WHY WOULD YOU WANT TO BE MY FRIEND? I AM A FREAK. I BELONG IN A CIRCUS SO EVERYONE CAN LAUGH AT ME. JIM Day 6 Time: 20:43 hours I want to be your friend because I see your pain and nothing would give me more joy than to see you walk through that pain and come out victorious. You are not a freak and you certainly do not belong in a circus. You, my friend, are going through some of the toughest times of pain and confusion. I would like to walk alongside you for your journey toward seeing your beauty for what it is. Jim, I have seen most of your emails. And I see how you are so very careful to direct your frustration and pain and anger at yourself. I see you trying with all your might to shield everyone around you from expressions of anger. If you ask me (which I know you haven’t) I believe you care very deeply for those around you. I believe you strive with everything in you to take care of Sharon. Such characteristics of caring are no where present in satan. Even if he ever did express care and concern for another (which he never does) it would be fake, hypocritical, and with strings attached to use on his selfish desires. Jim, my friend, you are not filled with filth. You may be believing a lot of lies that yours and Sharon’s dad told you over and over to keep you quiet so that he could do all kinds of filthy things to you. That was a cruel, cruel hoax he played on you. As for you being male, well that’s another discussion altogether that I don’t have time to write about just now. I do have some encouraging things I’d like to share with you when I get the chance. I just wanted to write you back quickly so you would know that I’m still here and I still want to be friends. So . . . can we be friends? You may not be ready to answer that. And if you aren’t, its ok. I will wait patiently for your reply. Take care, Jim. I like you a lot. Headless Day 7 Time: 00:21 hours I am feeling very overwhelmed by everything again I decided to watch a kid’s movie for the little ones. And it was good except it triggered some of the insiders. Now I have another part that came out. His name is Muscles. Why are they coming out now? (CRYING) I hurt so bad inside and am so scared. I guess I will have to go inside and see whose hurting. Maybe if they come out again they will share with me their pain. And right now I am going to listen to Christian music so I don’t go down. I’m starting to feel depressed again. Thanks. Sharon [To Sharon from Grantley] You wrote: I decided to watch a kid’s movie for the little ones. In theory that’s a good idea but your little alters have suffered so much that even little children’s movies could be far more upsetting to them than to children from a secure background. His name is Muscles. This makes sense. It is similar to Jim in that the alter has been trying to convince himself that he is safer because he is masculine and strong and tough. You now have ways to help Muscles understand that he is safe – show him which year it is, that your father is dead etc. Why are they coming out now? It’s distressing and yet it shows that your alters are gaining confidence in you. They are realizing that at last it seems safe to appear and begin to heal. This will lead to good things, my friend. Grantley Day 7 Time: 02:58 hours Hi I’m muscles. I am 8. I am a part of Sharon. She is helping me write this. I was hurting real bad and Sharon went inside and asked us parts who was hurting. I told her it was me. She met me earlier today. I told her the memory that I had when we watched the kid’s movie today. (CRYING) I scared right now. Sharon said it was okay to share the memory here. And she reassured me that no one could hurt me again. I will tell the memory now. One day Sharon when she was 8 went to a carnival. She was so excited to go that’s what she is telling me now. She had no recognition of the memory until today. She got sick on the rides and decided to go to the beach which was across the street from the carnival. She was walking down the beach when all of a sudden a group of older boys pushed her to the ground. At that point I came into existence. They beat me up and gang raped me. They left me on the beach to die. (CRYING) On that day I made up my mind that I was going to be strong like a man. I shared enough. Sharon is going to hold me now. [At the end of the same email] Muscles, I am so proud of you for what you just shared. (CRYING) Thank you so much for what you have done for me. Muscles thank you for the job that you do inside of trying to protect the other parts. It is very painful for me to hear what happened to you and me. But I know that if we are ever to heal we must go through the pain. I love you. Sharon [To Muscles from Grantley] Hi, Muscles! So good to hear from you, my friend! You wrote: I am a part of Sharon. You are smart to understand this. She is helping me write this. She’s a good friend. She’d make a good mother, too. I was hurting real bad and Sharon went inside and asked us parts who was hurting. I told her it was me. I’m proud of you for telling her. That was brave and smart. Sharon said it was okay to share the memory here. She’s right. There is no need to keep it secret any longer. Secrets get lonely and scary but when we share them they get better. And she reassured me that no one could hurt me again. Yes, I’m so pleased that you are safe now. You never, ever deserved to be hurt and now you have what you deserve – safety. They beat me up and gang How horrible! What terrible boys to do such a thing. They deserved to have been thrown in jail for years for hurting you like that. On that day I made up my mind that I was going to be strong like a man. You wanted to be safe so that no one could do that to you again. I’m so pleased that now you are safe like you deserve to be. I would like you to be our friend, Muscles. Thank you so much, Sharon, for the really brave way you are helping Muscles and other alters. You are an inspiration to us all. Your friend, Grantley Day 7 Time: 17:43 hours I am feeling scared and overwhelmed at what is happening to me. Too much coming at me at once. Besides feeling sick emotionally I am sick physically. I have pneumonia and bronchitis. Woke up this morning feeling very depressed and scared. (CRYING) I think that I’m going crazy. Too many parts to deal with. Not enough strength to carrying on it seems. I cry out to God and not sure if He hears me. But I know His son Jesus loves me and will help me get through the darkness once again if I cry out to Him. Right now I need His light to get me through the darkness. I know I’m not alone and that He is always there for me. I just want to die but I know that that is not the answer. I need prayers and support. Thanks Sharon Day 7 Time: 21:11 hours I am a *#!%@ freak. I look in the mirror and see an elderly woman. THAT CAN’T BE. I AM A MAN INSIDE. DO YOU HEAR ME. I NEED TO BE STRONG AND A WOMAN IS WEAK COMPARED TO A MAN. SOMEONE IS PLAYING TRICKS WITH ME. Jim [To Jim from Grantley] You wrote: I am a *#!%@ freak. No, dear friend. You are a survivor – a hero who has overcome horrific things that would have killed very many people. I NEED TO BE STRONG The very fact that you have survived proves how strong you are. Moreover you have won without being cruel and nasty like your tormentor – your father. And because you have won you can at last begin to relax and enjoy life. And Sharon knows God really well. He longs to give you supernatural protection and security – far better than any physical strength. SOMEONE IS PLAYING TRICKS WITH ME. I understand how confusing it is to you, dear friend. It would be a huge shock for anyone. But even though it has understandably shaken you, you have inner strength and you will cope with this and do well. I believe in you, Jim, and so does God. Your friend, Grantley Day 10 Time: 04:51 hours You talk about your God like He has magic powers. I DON’T THINK SO. SHARON THINKS SHE KNOWS ME, SHE DOESN’T. I DON’T WANT HER TO KNOW ME AS LONG AS SHE KNOWS THAT I’M A MAN AND I AM STRONG. HOW CAN YOUR GOD BE STRONG? HE IS INVISIBLE. I AM A FREAK. I SHOULD BE IN A CIRCUS WHERE EVERYBODY CAN LAUGH AT MY FREAKYNESS. YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND. I MUST REMAIN STRONG. JIM [To Jim from Grantley] You wrote: You talk about your God like He has magic powers. You don’t have to be a genius to work out that God is far more powerful than any human. HOW CAN YOUR GOD BE STRONG? HE IS INVISIBLE. Being invisible is one of his wonderful powers but it doesn’t mean he is not real. He doesn’t want to scare you so he won’t force himself on you, but if you ask him to, he is eager to reveal himself to you in a non-threatening way and be your friend. I AM A FREAK. I SHOULD BE IN A CIRCUS WHERE EVERY BODY CAN LAUGH AT MY FREAKYNESS. You are a nice person and I would be proud to be your friend. I MUST REMAIN STRONG. That’s okay. I just want to be your friend. Grantley Day 10 Time: 02:05 hours Hi I need prayers. Feeling overwhelmed with more parts coming out. Don’t know how to deal with them all. i am angry at my father for what he and his drunken friends and my brother and sisters for the abuse that they did to me. And for me to end up having to deal with DID in my adult life because of them. Sometimes I wonder why I even try. At times it seems hopeless. I sometimes only have the faith of a mustard seed. Can anyone relate? I need to reach out to Jesus again so I don’t go down fast. Really need support right now. Am feeling better physically. Yesterday I slept off and on during the day. I felt much better today for doing that. Thanks. Sharon [To Sharon from Grantley] You wrote: Feeling overwhelmed with more parts coming out. I’m not surprised. I am astounded at how superbly you are doing. You are showing great courage, wisdom and persistence. Don’t know how to deal with them all. I am confident that our Lord will continue to empower you. I am angry at my father And rightly so. God himself was furious at the atrocious way you were treated. And for me to ending up for having to deal with DID in my adult life because of them. Yes but this will turn around for your never-ending glory. Have a look at  God Isn’t fair?  and the pages it leads to. At times it seems hopeless. You are a winner. You have had very many highly significant victories of late and you will soon start reaping the benefits. I sometimes only have the faith of a mustard seed. That’s all it takes. Here’s something I know you’ve read but a reminder might help: Take heart from the man exalted as Scripture’s prime example of faith. (Romans 4; Galatians 3:6-9; Hebrew 11:8-19; James 2:21-23) In an early chapter of Genesis, God tells Abraham on two separate occasions that he will give him the land and descendants. (Genesis 12:2,7) Just four verses later we find Abraham humiliating Sarah, denying that she is his wife. In cowardly deceit, he stands dumbly by as Pharaoh marries Sarah and takes her into his harem. (Genesis 12:10-16) Next chapter, God yet again details the promise of land and descendants. (Genesis 13:14-17) Nevertheless, two chapters on, we find Abraham expecting to die childless. For a fourth time God insists he will give Abraham descendants. At last the old fossil believes. The Lord, thrilled with Abraham’s re-found faith, repeats his vow to give him the land. In disbelief, Abraham asks for a sign. (Genesis 15:2-8) With divine patience God dramatically shows the mighty man of faith not only his future descendants, but what will happen to them. In the next chapter we find our faith model throwing away any hope of a miracle from God. He resorts to dubious natural means to forcibly accomplish what God seems unwilling to do. He bypasses his wife and turns to her maid for a baby. (Genesis 16:1-3) Years later, the Lord yet again reaffirms his promise to Abraham and declares that Sarah would conceive. Abraham laughs. He is sure his wife has more potential as an Egyptian mummy than as a Hebrew one. ‘She’s too old. Just bless Ishmael,’ is the crux of his reply. (Genesis 17:17-18) Yet the Lord persists. One more time our hero gropes for that slippery fish called faith. Before long, he is again passing off Sarah as his sister, showing more faith in his powers of deception than in God’s integrity. This time it is King Abimelech who almost has a go at impregnating Sarah. (Genesis 20:2-3) Just weeks later, (assuming Genesis 18:10 to 21:2 are in chronological order) she conceived Abraham’s baby. Faith is not a non-stop flight above reality; it’s a fight. What distinguishes people of faith is not how rarely they hit the dirt, but how often they get up again. To be perpetually positive is impossible. The mere attempt embroils us in prayer battles and Abrahamic effort. The enemy often flees to his corner, only to prepare for the next round. You might even have climbed out of the ring, but the reward for getting back in exceeds anything anyone could offer. ‘Lord, increase our faith,’ pleaded the disciples. ‘If you have faith the size of a mustard seed . . .’ came the reply. (Luke 17:5-6) Perhaps our greatest need is not huge faith, but to fully use our small faith. Perhaps we miss out because we devalue our faith, not using it to the fullest because we wrongly imagine that tiny faith is too insignificant to move the hand of God. If faith is more valuable than gold, (1 Peter 1:7) the merest speck is too precious to despise. Do not let feelings of inadequacy strangle your faith. Just keep pressing on. Past greats achieved much with floundering faith. So can you. Like everyone, my faith levels fluctuate. Usually I am aware that a few moments dwelling on faith-building truths or squashing negative thoughts would boost my faith a little, but I foolishly let myself remain at a lower faith level than I know I am capable of. I have failed to take faith as seriously as Scripture does. If it is as valuable as Scripture affirms, then only a fool would pass up an opportunity to slightly increase it. If our Lord valued faith at a dollar, then a one percent increase is not worth bothering about. What can you do with a cent? If common faith is of immense value, however, everything changes. On a million dollars, one percent is $10,000 – well worth a little effort! Am feeling better physically. I’m so pleased!!! Your friend, Grantley Day 11 Time: 15:22 hours WHY WOULD YOU WANT TO BE FRIENDS WITH THIS FREAK? WHY DO OTHERS IN THE GROUP WANT TO BE FRIENDS? IS IT ALL FOR YOUR PLEASURE OF BEING ABLE TO LAUGH AT ME? I DON’T UNDERSTAND ABOUT YOUR GOD. PLEASE TELL ME WHY HE WOULD HAVE EVEN MADE ME. WHY DO I EVEN EXIST. JIM [To Jim from Grantley] You wrote: WHY WOULD YOU WANT TO BE FRIENDS WITH THIS FREAK? Because you are not a freak. You are a beautiful person that I would feel honored to have as a friend. Just as you are not Jim, even though it seemed so certain to you that you were, so you are not a freak, even though it seems at present to you that you are. I DON’T UNDERSTAND ABOUT YOUR GOD. PLEASE TELL ME WHY HE WOULD HAVE EVEN MADE ME. WHY DO I EVEN EXIST. You are precious to God and he longs to lavish his blessings upon you. It broke his heart when your Dad treated you the horrific way that he did and he longs to heal you from all the pain and distress and confusion it has caused you. The only thing stopping him is that because he is not an abuser he will not force himself upon you. He is desperate to help but is forced to wait for you to give him your permission. You truly can trust him. He is safe and kind and gentle. Bless you, my friend! Grantley Day 12 Time: 17:04 hours I want to believe that you really want to be my friend but what if it’s just a joke? I still need to be in control. I’m not sure about your God either. Sharon is trying to get me to know about your and her God and about his son named Jesus. Who is he? She said he died on the cross for all of our sins. I did too many bad things for him to forgive me. Why would you like to be my friend when you know nothing about me and of all the mean and sadistic things that I did? Once you know about that you will think otherwise about being my friend. JIM [To Jim from Grantley] You wrote: I did too many bad things for him to forgive me. No, my friend. In fact, God is particularly close to those who feel that way. It is the hypocrites who think they are good who sadden him. Those who look to him for forgiveness fill him with compassion and he longs to cleanse them and exalt them. God is totally selfless and longs to transform people and make them people of beauty and usefulness, but his longing is continually frustrated by people not letting him help them. He joyfully rushes to the aid of those who let him help. Why would you like to be my friend when you know nothing about me I know a fair bit about you now, but my longing to be your friend is not based on you being good but on the fact that you are infinitely important to God and he sees you as someone who with him can achieve great things. What you have done in the past means nothing to me because the moment you ask God’s forgiveness, he wipes all that away and makes you as if you had never done it. Your friend, Grantley Day 12 Time: 18:35 hours I am so mixed up and confused. The  [date deleted]  of this month is the anniversary of my father’s death. I am very frightened for that day to come. Every year when that day came we went to the cemetery to torch our self. But we never completed the act, only by the grace of God. I am having flashbacks and losses of time. I also am having body memories. When I eat it all taste like gasoline. My father would pour gasoline over my pets and set them on fire and then would pour gasoline over me and threatened to do the same to me. I don’t want to eat now. I don’t want to sleep either. But I know that I’m having flashbacks even during the day time. I feel like I’m in a maze and can’t find my way out. I wrote a poem expressing how I feel being in that maze. I would like to share it with the group. [Slightly abridged] THE MAZE! I find myself in a maze Not sure which way I’m going – for you see. I’m so mixed up and confused That dead I want to be. I search and searchTo find my way out. But the more I search I end up feeling doubt. So I continue on my journey in the maze Never knowing where I’m going – for you see. There are too many turns and dead ends Too scary for me. Monsters are in the maze Monsters from my past. They try to engulf me o find my way out is my task. As I continue in the maze My soul is scared deep. Because in the maze My scarlet red rage – seeps. I want out of the maze Too frightened I am – but you see. I realize that I’m not alone That Jesus is in the maze with me. He will help me out of the darkness The darkness of the maze – for you see. He helped me before – so many times Because He loves me. So today I will reach out Reach out to Jesus – to set me free. Free from the maze Where once again life will be – for me. Sharon Day 10 Time: 01:23 hours jim my name is punk. i am an alter of Mary. headless told me about you. do you no her? i merged with enchanted. she is anuther alter of Mary. i do not rite much becos i am part of enchanted now. but i wanted to seperat long enuf to rite to you. you see i had to be ruff and tuff. i had to be a boy so i culd protect enchanted and keep Mary safe. i stood gard all day and nite most of the time. i was the first to rite grantley after Mary rote. i used to ball my fist at God and yell at him. i told him i was not going to let him hurt Mary or enchanted ever agin. when i started riting to grantley i thot i was a bad boy becos i did not beleeve in God. grantley hleped me to see that the god i thot was god was not him at all. and one day enchanted and i made frends with the reel God. the reel God hleped me also to see that it was not my job to stand gard all day and nite. it was his Gods job to keep us safe. when i met and made frends with the reel God i also found out that he likes to play. enchanted and i hav played lots of games with him. and he is fun. God also tot me that i do not hav to be a boy to stay safe. one day i desided that i was a girl. i gru my hare long. enchanted did not like that so i cut it off for her. but i am still a girl. that is okay with enchanted. i still like boy things. i like stomping in mud puddels and bilding forts and climing trees and other boy things. i am a tom boy. enchanted likes reely girly things. she likes curly hare and pretty cloths and stuf like that. i have lerned that it is ok for enchanted to like thos things and enchanted has lerned that it is ok for me to like boy things. jim you do not hav to protect Sharon any more. God will do that. he wants you to play and hav fun and injoy Sharon. hedles wanted me to rite to you. i hop it is ok that i rote. if you want we can be frends. also grantley is one of the best frends you can hav to. jesus is reely fun to. even tho jesus nos everything he still plays hide and seek with me and enchanted. and we laf and he hugs us and every thing. jesus is the best frend to hav. i hav to go. punk. Day 12 Time: 21:55 hours TO HEADLESS AND PUNK Why would you like to be friends with someone like me? I did a lot of mean and sadistic things. You don’t even know me. JIM Day 12 Time: 04:42 hours Jim, I want to be friends with you because I know you want to do what is best for Sharon. I want to do what is best for Mary. I never knew, honestly, just how bad I was hurting until I started reading what you were writing. You see, I see you trying so hard to hold it together. I tried so hard to hold it together too. Only I thought part of me holding it together was for me to die. I knew I made a LOT of mistakes and most of the time I thought I WAS a mistake. And I carry all of Mary’s mistakes and all those of everyone who lives with her. Jim, I know you want to be strong and that you have Sharon’s best intentions at heart. I can see it clearly because I have Mary’s best intentions at heart. If only I can carry all her mistakes, then everything will be alright. Right? Unfortunately I’m not able to carry all of them. They are too heavy. I don’t know what the solution is to that problem either. Jim, I don’t think you are mean. I just think you want to do right by Sharon. And I don’t know what sadistic is. So I can’t comment on that. Hey, can I tell you something? I think that I’d like to make friends with Jesus. And if you would like to come with me, we could go together and make friends with Him. I have to go for now. I will try to write again soon. Headless Day 13 Time: 04:44 hours I have been reading all of the e-mails in this group. And there is a lot said about this so called Jesus. And you told me that he forgives sinners like me. Is this really true? Sharon says all I have to do is ask him for forgiveness. But if I do, will I still be able to be in control? And will I someday not be a man inside? I don’t want to be weak. Grantley, I would like you to be my friend. You seemed pretty honest and caring. But once I share my stories will you be that for me? JIM [To Jim from Grantley] You wrote: I have been reading all of the e-mails in this group. And there is a lot said about this so called Jesus. And you told me that he forgives sinners like me. Is this really true? Yes. I understand how difficult this is to believe because most people give up on bad people and are selfish. Jesus is so very different. He is God’s Son and came from heaven. He really cares for people and it is him who makes us different and makes us want the best for you and not be concerned about any bad things you might have done in the past. Sharon says all I have to do is ask him for forgiveness. You can trust Sharon. She truly knows Jesus. He is her friend. I don’t want to be weak. With Jesus you will be stronger and safer than ever before. Grantley I would like you to be my friend. Thank you, Jim! That makes me feel really warm inside. I count it a great honor to be your friend. But once I share my stories will you be that for me. I would very much love to hear your stories and to prove how nothing you have done in the past affects my respect for you. As far as I am concerned, the past has totally gone because Jesus forgives it all. There is, however, an unfortunate problem if anything you did is against the law and you are not ready to tell the police. I want to forget about it all but unfortunately the police don’t want to forget and the whole group read these emails and as much as we hate it we are forced to obey the law and the law might force us to tell police. So please keep quiet about anything that might be of interest to police but I would love and respect you no matter what bad things you might have done. Bless you! Grantley Day 13 Time: 05:28 hours I don’t even know where to begin. I came into existence when Sharon was 2 and have been there until she was 18 1/2. I was forced to kill her pets in whichever way that her daddy told me to do. I thought if I was like him that I could be powerful. I hated being mean and doing those mean things but I knew if I didn’t do what he said Sharon would have died. I was forced to hurt her brother too. (CRYING) Grantley deep down inside I didn’t want to be mean and sadistic but I was scared. I was scared we would die if I didn’t do what he said. I continued to act like him so as to survive. Does any of this make any sense to you? Daddy did mean things to me. I took the beatings and the burnings that her daddy did to Sharon. I was beaten with chains and there is so much more but I’ve shared enough. I hope you will still be my friend. JIM [To Jim from Grantley] You wrote: I came into existence when Sharon was 2 and have been there until she was 18 1/2. Wow! You have seen a lot of horror – horror that no one should have to suffer. I was forced to kill her pets in whichever way that her daddy told me to do. This in no way makes you a bad person. It was forced on you. Your father used it as a way of terrorizing you and if you had not been horrified by what you did, it would not have affected you. Your father forced you to do this because he knew you had a tender, compassionate heart. I hated being mean and doing those mean things but I knew if I didn’t do what he said Sharon would have died. Yes. Alters are often formed as a result of being put in a no win situation and abusers chose these impossible situations so that no matter what the person does the victim will be filled with regret and feel guilty over what she had to do. Grantley deep down inside I didn’t want to be mean and sadistic I completely believe you. I was scared we would die if I didn’t do what he said. Yes, and your father did everything he possibly could to ensure you were terrified out of your mind. Does any of this make any sense to you. Perfectly. Daddy did mean things to me. Yes. I took the beatings and the burnings that her daddy did to Sharon. Sharon is right in thanking you for this. I hope you will still be my friend. Absolutely. I see you as a hero and as someone who can be empowered by God to be a huge blessing to very many people. Proud to be your friend, Grantley Day 13 Time: 14:07 hours Jim, I’m so proud of you for what you have shared. I thank you for what you did to help me survive my horrific childhood. Jim I’m so sorry that you had to experience what you did for me. (CRYING) Jim, God loves you and so do I. I’m glad that you accepted Grantley as your friend. You are not alone. Jesus is there for you. I encourage you to accept Him in your heart. Sharon Day 13 Time: 16:15 hours To Grantley & Jim Grantley, can you please tell me what happens when we give Jesus all our mistakes? I mean, its a LOT to give him. I want to give them to Jesus and I know about the cross. I just can’t figure out how all that works. I also want to say that I do not wish to die anymore. I wish I could say that. The reason I can’t quite say that right now is that I don’t understand how Jesus can make things better about my mistakes and Mary’s mistakes. When you make mistakes, it hurts lots of people. And I feel like I have hurt a lot of people. And Grantley, if I died, then I couldn’t be friends with Jim. Thank you for the last email you wrote to Jim. I wanted to find words to help him feel better and I didn’t know how. You said exactly what I wanted to say, only better than I could. Jim, I’m right there with you in wanting to be friends with Jesus. And, Jim, please know that I care very deeply about you. I’ve seen you write that you fear that I and others will laugh at you. Jim, I will never knowingly do anything like that at all. I won’t laugh at you. You are a very special person to me. I want to be very good friends with you. I will wait for you. Whenever you are ready. Headless [To Headless from Grantley] Hi, Headless! You wrote: Grantley, can you please tell me what happens when we give Jesus all our mistakes? I mean, it’s a LOT to give him. Jesus has borne the sins of the entire world. It’s already been done but he doesn’t force us. We simply have to agree to the fact that he has already died for our sins. You have wanted to die. Jesus has already died for you. So anything you thought you could achieve through dying he has already achieved – and more – for you. And Grantley, if I died, then I couldn’t be friends with Jim. Yes, you being friends with Jim is an example of the good you can now achieve because of Jesus and of the good things that can now begin happening to you. Thank you for the last email you wrote to Jim. I wanted to find words to help him feel better and I didn’t know how. You have done extremely well with Jim. Thank you for caring so much for him. Day 15 Time: 02:47 hours How do I deal with all of the horrific things that happened to me for Sharon? I still feel like a freak, a man in a female body. Will that ever change for me? I’m tired of hurting. I just think it would be better if I ended it. Then no more pain, no more flashbacks no more self-loathing. I AM A WORTHLESS PIECE OF *#!%@. I BELONG IN A MANURE PILE WITH THE PIGS. I HATE MYSELF. MY DAD WAS RIGHT, I AM NO GOOD. I AM SATAN HIMSELF. I AM BAD AND EVIL. I’VE DONE BAD THINGS. SOMEONE, PLEASE DO YOU EVEN CARE. I DON’T NO MORE. TODAY MY DAD DIED IN  [a year in the 1990s has been removed] . I AM JUST LIKE HIM. JIM [To Jim from Grantley] You wrote: How do I deal with all of the horrific things that happened to me for Sharon. I still feel like a freak, a man in a female body. Will that ever change for me. Things will get better and better for you, dear friend. Your father greatly messed with your mind by the horrific things he did but you will fully heal. Healing is a process but you are already well on the way. For example, you have no longer been duped into thinking that you are your father. You are now free to be the person you really are, which is someone nice. I’m tired of hurting Of course you are. I just think it would be better if I ended it. Your pain will end. God wants so much for it to end and he wants you to let him heal you. His way, however, is that the pain end and your father loses i.e. that instead of your father crushing you, you enjoy life and become a huge blessing to other people. I AM A WORTHLESS PIECE OF *#!%@. No, that is believing your father’s lies. I BELONG IN A MANURE PILE WITH THE PIGS. No. You have a beautiful heart and can achieve great things with God. MY DAD WAS RIGHT I AM NO GOOD. No one who hurts little children like he did is right. He was extremely wrong in what he did and in what he said. I AM BAD AND EVIL Not when you let God make you a new, good, beautiful person. TODAY MY DAD DIED IN  [year deleted] . I AM JUST LIKE HIM. You are nothing like him. Who will you choose to believe: the all-powerful God who cannot lie or your father? Your friend, Grantley Day 15 Time: 13:40 hours Jim, I am so sorry you are hurting so bad. I’m proud of you, Jim, as far as you have come. With time we will heal. Don’t give up. If you die we all die. Jim, I will pray for you that you will someday feel like a woman. That will take time but like Grantley said you have come to accept that you are not my father, that is a big step. Jim, thanks for all you have done for me. I love you. Sharon Day 16 Time: 05:04 hours I want to believe you so bad about the things you have said to me. But I’m scared that maybe it’s not all true and then the hope I might have felt will be blown away. When will it get better? I know that Sharon is really trying hard to work with me. I’m glad that she joined this group. JIM [To Jim from Grantley] You wrote: I want to believe you so bad about the things you have said to me. But I’m scared that maybe it’s not all true and then the hope I might have felt will be blown away. I understand but what I say is true and if you don’t believe it you will be robbing yourself of so much peace and healing. When will it get better? Healing is a long journey. You will experience improvements long before full healing and you will seem to experience setbacks from time to time, not because of you but because of new alters who surface and are not as healed as you. But don’t take my word for it, talk to God about it. He doesn’t lie and he knows everything. I know that Sharon is really trying hard to work with me. Yes, I’m pleased that she is. You deserve it. I’m glad that she joined this group. Me too, and I feel honored to know you. Your friend, Grantley Day 19 Time: 19:28 hours [From Headless to the Group] TOO MANY MISTAKES IN JUST ONE MINUTE!!! I NEED TO DIE!!! MARY HAD TO GET AN RX FILLED. I SAW SOMEONE SHE KNEW AND CALLED HIM BY A DIFFERENT NAME. TWO TIMES. I SAID SOMETHING MARY DIDN’T LIKE. I COULD NOT UNDERSTAND WHAT THE PHARMACIST WAS SAYING TO US. I MUTTERED UNDER MY BREATH. MARY LOOKED LIKE AN INSANE PERSON. I WALKED AROUND MUTTERING UNDER MY BREATH. I WAS AUDIBLE TO OTHERS. EMBARRASSED. WE SEE THIS MAN IN OTHER PLACES ALL THE TIME. I SLAPPED MARY IN THE FACE FIVE TIMES EACH SIDE. HARD!!! I NEED TO DIE. SHE WOULD BE BETTER WITHOUT ME. I LOST OUR CAR. I DON’T KNOW WHAT I’M DOING HERE. I NEED TO GO. MARY NEEDS TO COME BACK. I NEED HER TO BE HERE. PLEASE! I NEED TO DIE, RIGHT NOW!!! Day 19 Time: 19:34 hours Hi Headless this is Jim. I am so sorry you are feeling the way that you are. Please do not die then all of you die. And then I would not have you as a friend and that would make me feel sad. I will pray for you. JIM Day 25 Time: 14:37 hours Grantley it has been sometime since I shared anything. I want you to know that I accepted Jesus on Sunday. Sharon is so happy for me. I have a problem and would like to know from you how to solve it. Sharon has 2 other parts that were like me: George and Earl. They are really causing a lot of havoc of late. I am trying to get them to change their ways like I did. And they just think that I’m a traitor and a wimp. But I want them to know that they can have power besides being mean. I remember when I thought that in order to have power I had to be mean. Right now they are really angry at me for sharing this and I hope they don’t cause anything mean against Sharon. Maybe I shared enough. I would appreciate your advice in this matter. Thanks Grantley for being there for me and Sharon. Jim [To Jim from Grantley] Hi, Jim! I’m thrilled to hear from you again! I’d love to be writing many more emails to the group but sadly there are only 24 hours in the day and it seems to me that I could better help the group by writing more webpages and that is something that takes me a huge amount of time. Nevertheless, my eyes lit up when I saw your name in the subject line because you have become especially dear to me and I’m keen to write to you. You wrote: I want you to know that I accepted Jesus on Sunday. Wow! I’m over the moon! Congratulations, Jim!!! I have a problem and would like to know from you how to solve it. Thank for you sharing with me. I am trying to get them to change their ways like I did. Well done! And they just think that I’m a traitor and a wimp. I am so sorry you are suffering this misunderstanding from these dear alters. They don’t realize as yet how much strength and courage it takes to stop being mean and that being mean is really the wimpy way. But I want them to know that they can have power besides being mean. Yes – supernatural power. The power of Almighty God. Right now they are really angry at me for sharing this I admire your courage. What George and Earl most need is patience and kindness, like I showed you. They will come round, just like you did, even though – as you did (but I didn’t believe it!) – they are likely to give the impression that they are beyond hope. Dear God, I thank you so very much for Jim and the beautiful things you are doing in his life. I praise you that you are making him so strong and courageous and someone I am very proud to call my friend. Help my dear friend to always know that by going your way he is doing the smart thing and choosing the safest and best possible course. I pray for dear George and Earl. My heart breaks to think of how cruelly they have been treated and how much they have suffered. Help them to realize how much it breaks your heart, too, and how much you long to bear their pain and bring them safety and peace and joy. Help them to realize that they are now safe. Give Jim much patience, wisdom and gentleness in being their friend. May he listen patiently to them and get to know their pain even though it hurts him to hear of it. May he thank them for what they did in bearing that pain and help them to realize that they no longer have to do this alone. Dear Jim, your story is so amazing and inspiring. It would help many people to hear of the way you discovered that you are not your father and how you have begun to enjoy the beautiful life that God has planned for you. I deeply respect you and will do nothing without your permission and if you agree I will change names to completely preserve your confidentiality, but could I have your permission to make into a webpage the emails you and I have exchanged? It would be a lot of work for me but I believe it is important. As I said I believe it would help many people but I will do nothing without your full approval. Your friend, Grantley Day 26 Time: 19:34 hours Grantley, I would agree for you to use me as an example in your webpage. If it will help others that would make me feel good. I feel honored to have you as a friend. Jim [To Jim from Grantley] You wrote: I would agree for you to use me as an example in your webpage. If it will help others that would make me feel good. Wow! Thank you so very much. I believe it will help many people. I feel honored to have you as a friend. That’s how I feel about you. :) Day 27 Time: 01:03 hours [In response to an e-mail by someone else’s alter] Hi Robert, I am Jim, a part of Sharon. I’m sorry you feel the way you do about yourself. I too felt the same way about myself. I thought I was from the pit of mire. And I thought I was a freak and a worthless pile of *#!%@. But with the help of Grantley and the group and with the help of Jesus, I no longer feel that way. I now know that I’m of worth. I, too, did unthinkable things and hated myself for it but learned that I was forced to do those things in order for Sharon to survive her horrific childhood. I will pray for you that you will one day soon see all of the lies that were told to you. Please feel free to e-mail me if you want to share anything with me or if you have any questions to ask me. Jim Post Script Sharon and her alters are continuing to heal. The following, for example, is from George, who had earlier regarded Jim as a traitor and a wimp. Day 65 I want to thank all of you who e-mailed me. I want to thank you for being there for me. And thanks for not judging me for what I shared. I am so blessed to be a part of Sharon’s [inner] family. I know I wasn’t always there for them but now I see the light. I want you all to know that I have accepted Jesus in my heart today. I feel so warm inside. I now know what it feels like to not be alone and that He is always there for us and to realize how much I am loved by Jesus. It feels so good. I know I am forgiven for my sins. I know He loves and accepts me. I am really sorry that I didn’t e-mail individually the ones that e-mailed me but I didn’t want to exclude anyone. Although the abuse happened when I was five years old, in reality I know I’m older now and that years have gone by since we were abused, and that we don’t have to worry about being abused again. Thanks again for everything and for this group. George Related Webpages Angry, Bad, Mean, Nasty Alters (Insiders) Answers to Every Question

Dissociative Identity Disorder (D.I.D.) Christian Index of Help for Multiple Personality Disorder (M.P.D.) (Sometimes called a fractured personality or fractured mind) Free Resources for Hosts, Alters (Insiders or Parts),Counsellors and Friends of People with “Multiple Personalities” Confused, lonely and scared are the most common feelings among people coming to terms with Dissociative Identity Disorder. If you have D.I.D., or wish to help or understand someone who does, the following free resources provide the comfort, answers and support you need. Even if you do not have Dissociative Identity Disorder, many of these webpages will bless you, especially those quoting alters. For a short, easily understood explanation of what D.I.D. really is, I urge you to read Dissociative Identity Disorder Explained. Even if you fully understand D.I.D., this page might help you better explain it to other people. Ministering to alters has been one of the most beautiful spiritual experiences I have ever been privileged to have. People with Dissociative Identity Disorder have known trauma and heartache like few people have, and yet it is typical of God that these are the very people he grants spiritual revelation and such an exceptionally deep, highly personal relationship with him that leave most other Christians in awe. Jesus’ relationship with alters (also known as insiders or parts) highlights his humility, gentleness, tenderness and patience to the most astounding degree. Nevertheless, I very much understand if the very mention of God freaks you out. In fact, this is norm for at some parts of people with Dissociative Identity Disorder. This short page might ease your concerns a little: About the Author . I’ve been privileged to have had large numbers of people with Dissociative Identity Disorder share their hearts and seek my help. Over and over I have seen that what I share in the links below really works and I give Jesus all the honor because I believe it is he who has dropped into my heart most of the understanding I have gained. I beg you, however, not to limit your healing by neglecting to continually look to Jesus to give you his personal guidance and insight. Jesus alone – and most certainly not my writings – is the source of all knowledge , wisdom and power. And he alone is available every moment of every day of every year. And whereas, despite doing our utmost, the best of us fail at times, only the real Jesus is the absolutely perfect friend and counselor. No one can equal him when it comes to being utterly approachable and safe and flawlessly kind, gentle, understanding, patient and dependable. Christ is divinely anointed to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release prisoners from darkness (Isaiah 61:1), for “The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. . . . He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds” (Psalms 34:18; 147:3). He should be our focus but if you particularly want to know more about me, see About the Author . How to Use these Resources Emergency Help is a very different resource to the rest of the webpages. It acts as a huge index to all the webpages about D.I.D. as well as giving quick answers. If you are desperate for an immediate answer to a specific question , see Emergency Help . (You should, in any case, be aware of this webpage because it includes links to help not given in the webpages listed below, and also because the need for an immediate answer is sure to arise sometime.) To understand D.I.D. and learn how to heal from it , however, it is important to read all of the rest of the pages listed below. Emergency Help is more like an encyclopaedia – a reference book not specifically intended to be read from start to finish, with valuable but not exhaustive information on a huge range of issues. In contrast, the rest of the webpages are best read from start to finish and will give you the deeper understanding of D.I.D. needed to heal. Invaluable Help: The Nature & Treatment of D.I.D. The Most In-Depth yet Easy to Understand Guide: A wealth of tips in understanding & living with D.I.D. Love One’s Alters? God, the Bible, & Christian Factors in Healing Dissociative Identity Disorder Critically important because we Christians tend to be so harsh on ourselves that it hinders healing How to Find Every Alter & Get Each Alter to Talk Needed by those who are not sure they have spoken to any alter, right through to those convinced they know their every alter How to Speed Healing A useful follow-on from the previous link Building an Invincible Team: “Stronger Together” Short but valuable Quick Help for Every Dissociative Identity Disorder Emergency You might suddenly need this page, so I strongly recommend you be aware of it, even if you do not immediately read it all Living With Alters: I Seem to be Getting Worse! Angry, Bad, Mean, Nasty Alters (Insiders) Dissociative Identity Disorder Diagnosis Doubts When an Alter has Undesirable Sexual Cravings Could ‘Sending Alters to God/Heaven’ Sometimes be Harmful? Unexpected dangers to what seems a safe practice When your Therapist, or some other Health Professional does not Understand D. I. D. Applies to doctors, dentists, minor medical procedures such as scans, blood tests, etc Resolving Conflict Between Insiders Dissociative Identity Disorder Self-Help: I Hate My Alters Healing Testimony: When Hating an Alter Turns to Love Dissociative Identity Disorder: The Pain, Frustration & Cure God’s Love for Alters: A Sign Gender Confusion: Help for Opposite Sex Alters Why I Love My Insiders (Alters) Play, Dolls & Stuffed Toys in Healing Dissociative Identity Disorder Coping With Baby Alters, and More Why I Adore My Friend’s Alters (Insiders) Caution in Relating to People if you have D.I.D. How Accountable are Alters? Multiple Personalities & Diminished Responsibility “Weird” Alters? When Alters See Themselves as Someone or Something They are Not Eating Disorders & Dissociative Identity Disorder When Christians have Anti-Christian Alters Helping Introject Alters Find Their True Identity Pages by Alters: An Alter Meets Jesus Touching Insights into How to Help Alters Alters Meet Father God A Quite Different and Insightful Testimony of Alters discovering God’s Love for Them Is Jesus Safe? Sexual Issues in Relating to Jesus Gently Addresses a Common Fear of Many Alters Formed by Sexual Abuse What Alters (Insiders) Wish their Hosts Knew An Alter’s Plea to all Hosts Learning How to Feel, & Enjoy Health An Alter Learns How to Enjoy Life God’s Love for Alters A Word from Jesus to an Alter, For all Alters When Inner Pain Returns Help with Emotional Pain To Protector Alters from a Protector Alter Understanding Alters who Feel the Need to Protect Other Alters Dreams, Nightmares & Dissociative Identity Disorder Short but Helpful “I Thought I Was the Opposite Sex!” Help With All the Confusion of Being an Alter Creating an Internal World & Memory Bank to Speed Healing: How to Cure Dissociative Identity Disorder Long and covered in less detail elsewhere but worth reading when you have time Afraid of God: Fear of God or Fearing Jesus & Healing Sex Abuse or Dissociative Identity Disorder God’s Extreme Patience With Alters: “ I Kept Trying to Force God to Reject Me” Encouraging Testimony of a Man with D.I.D.(Alters not specifically mentioned but feature strongly) Satanic Ritual Abuse / Sadistic Ritual Abuse: S.R.A. Explained Gender Issues: Wish You Were the Opposite Sex? The Positive Benefits of Multiple Personalities: Does Multiple Personality Disorder Create a Superior Brain? How to Identify a Good Counselor: Choosing a Counselor / Finding a Christian Therapist for Dissociative Identity Disorder Demons & D.I.D.: Multiple Personalities are NOT Demons!   Imaginary Friends (The person who battled demons in this testimony has D.I.D.)   Lucid Sex Dreams, Suppressed Memories & Hidden Demons A testimony with valuable information    See also the Second Link Below You  Can Be the Therapist! (Easy and Highly practical): Model your approach on real examples of counselling Leading an Alter to Christ Therapy / Help for Abusive Introject Alters / Insiders: How to Cure / Stop ‘Bad’ Alters Invaluable but lengthy and triggering Diagnosing D.I.D.: Psychological Tests to Diagnose Dissociative Identity Disorder Other Vital Resources Deepening Your Awareness of God’s Love for You How Much Does God Love Me? Your Personal Revelation Self-Injury, Self-Inflicted Pain A Cure for Self-Harm Free Help for Male and Female Survivors of all Forms of Sexual Interference: Comfort, Understanding & Healing for Abuse Survivors Help with Any Type of Sex Addiction or Strong Sexual Cravings: Sexual Abuse & Sex Addiction Facing the Truth vs Suppression Positive Confession or Living in Denial? An End to Guilt Cure for Guilt How Not to Fear Anger but Not Let it Destroy You Revenge! Turning Hate into Healing Why to Truly Forgive Hinges on Getting in Touch with Your Anger Coping with Fear, Anxiety and Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD): Christian Help & Cure Depression When Things get Tough Keep following the main link at the end of each page How to be Positive & Hope-Filled in Oppressive Situations How to Change your Self-Image Finding Hope Where There is No Hope Your Authority Over Demons Spiritual Warfare: Turning Spiritual Attack into Victory Imaginary Friends General Help: How to Comfort the Hurting