Real Christians Grieve

Emotional Pain * Grief * Loss * Tragedy * Inner Pain * Death * Sorrow

Real Christians Grieve

When Bereavement Counselling Meets the Bible

Help, Comfort and Healing

Did Jesus really say, “Blessed are those who mourn” (Matthew 5:4)?

Without ever intending to, vast numbers of caring, Bible-loving Christians have slipped from the Bible’s view of grief. They suppose they should be more lion-hearted than David the giant-killer, the man after God’s own heart who, upon finding Ziklag burned and his family taken captive, wept aloud until there was no strength left in him, before heroically seizing back from the enemy everything that had been stolen (1 Samuel 30:3-19). There are Christians who think they should be less human than Jesus, who often wept, and more spiritual than the Spirit-filled early church. See how the power-packed early church reacted to the death of its first martyr:

Acts 8:2 Devout men buried Stephen, and lamented greatly over him.

In contrast to the New Testament’s directive to “Weep with those who weep” (Romans 12:15), many well-meaning Christians think the truly Christian thing to do is to gently chide mourning Christians for not rejoicing. The great apostle Paul, whose references to joy and rejoicing have inspired modern day super saints to think it spiritual to act like robots, spoke often of the tears he shed in his labors for the Lord (Scriptures). What an embarrassment he is to those of us who sincerely think we are following his lead by never showing sorrow.

The other major source of inspiration is for praisers, of course, the Psalms that are filled with praise and rejoicing but also filled with strong laments and complaints (e.g. Psalms 6; 10; 12, 13; 38; 51; 55; 60; 70; 74; 79; 80; 83; 88; 123; 137). The Bible has only one hymn book, yet even many of the psalms that end in praise only get there after working their way through grief. Although each completed psalm can be read quickly, it summarizes a real-life emotional journey that surely took considerably longer.

To suppress grief is suppressing not just part of our humanity but a part of us that is in the image of God. Rocks and robots don’t cry. Jesus did. The one in whom “all the fullness of the Godhead dwells bodily” (Colossians 2:9) wept – often.

Isaiah 53:3 He was . . . a man of suffering . . .

Matthew 26:37-38 . . . and began to be sorrowful and severely troubled. Then he said to them, “My soul is exceedingly sorrowful, even to death. . . .”

Luke 19:41 When he came near, he saw the city and wept over it

John 11:33-36 When Jesus therefore saw her weeping, and the Jews weeping who came with her, he groaned in the spirit, and was troubled, and said, “Where have you laid him?” They told him, “Lord, come and see.” Jesus wept. The Jews therefore said, “See how much affection he had for him!”

Hebrews 5:7 He, in the days of his flesh, having offered up prayers and petitions with strong crying and tears . . .

Christ came to show us the heart of the Father, but even before then, God revealed himself as one who grieves.

Genesis 6:6 The Lord was sorry that he had made man on the earth, and it grieved him in his heart.

2 Samuel 24:16 When the angel stretched out his hand toward Jerusalem to destroy it, the Lord relented of the disaster, and said to the angel who destroyed the people, “It is enough. Now withdraw your hand.” The Lord’s angel was by the threshing floor of Araunah the Jebusite.

Isaiah 63:10 But they rebelled, and grieved his holy Spirit. . . .

Before the Son of God shed tears, the Almighty’s highest revelation of himself was through the prophets and by them he revealed himself over and over as being emotional.

1 Samuel 15:35 Samuel came no more to see Saul until the day of his death; for Samuel mourned for Saul: and the Lord grieved that he had made Saul king over Israel.

We repeatedly find this same convergence of God’s emotions with those of his prophets. Here’s a few examples:

Isaiah 16:9, 11, 13 Therefore I will weep . . . I will water you with my tears . . . Therefore my heart sounds like a harp for Moab, and my inward parts for Kir Heres. . . . This is the word that the Lord spoke concerning Moab in time past.

Isaiah 22:4 Therefore I said, “Look away from me. I will weep bitterly. . . .”

Jeremiah 8:21 For the hurt of the daughter of my people am I hurt: I mourn; dismay has taken hold on me.

Jeremiah 9:1 Oh that my head were waters, and my eyes a spring of tears, that I might weep day and night for the slain of the daughter of my people!

Jeremiah 9:10 For the mountains will I take up a weeping and wailing, and for the pastures of the wilderness a lamentation . . .

Jeremiah 13:17 But if you will not hear it, my soul shall weep in secret for your pride; and my eye shall weep bitterly, and run down with tears, because the Lord’s flock is taken captive.

Jeremiah 48:30-32 I know his wrath, says the Lord, that it is nothing; his boastings have worked nothing. Therefore will I wail for Moab; yes, I will cry out for all Moab: for the men of Kir Heres shall they mourn. With more than the weeping of Jazer will I weep for you, vine of Sibmah . . .

There are those who pride themselves in a form of Christianity devoid of emotion. We truly must love the Lord with our mind and walk by faith, not feelings. However, the greatest commandment is to love God with all our mind and our emotions (heart/soul). Then there are Christians who think themselves more biblical by allowing emotions, but it seems they unconsciously go through their Bibles with a black pen, blocking out the vast number of references to displaying “negative” emotions. The only emotion they allow is joy.

Praise and rejoicing are, of course, highly biblical, essential ingredients in emotional healing, but the same is true for expressing grief. The Bible’s full teaching is that bereaved Christians should grieve, but not as those who have no hope.

1 Thessalonians 4:13 But we don’t want you to be ignorant, brothers, concerning those who have fallen asleep, so that you don’t grieve like the rest, who have no hope.

Hope lessens grief, but it does not eliminate it.

Here’s how the elders – not the less spiritual ones, but the elders – of the Ephesian church reacted when Paul left them:

Acts 20:37-38 They all wept a lot . . . because of the word which he had spoken, that they should see his face no more. . . .

It is both natural and biblical to grieve the departure of loved ones. The reality is that no matter how happy those who have gone are, and how much they gain by the move, we suffer the loss, and to try to live in denial of this reality is not heroic but caving in to social or religious pressure that is not of God.

Ironically, those who refuse to mourn often take much longer to heal, just as someone ignoring a physical wound, acting as if it had never happened, is likely to end up with an infected wound that takes much longer to heal. Those who refuse to grieve – refuse to admit to themselves the extent of their loss and to express that loss – can end up hobbling through life without ever healing. To be authentic Christians is to display the full gamut of God-given emotions.

Passionately in love with their Lord, Paul and the other apostles longed to share in the sufferings of Christ. Since no one loves as deeply as God does, no one grieves as deeply as God as he contemplates this hurting world and lost humanity who curse and reject the God who longs to save them. To experience heart-ripping grief is to enter into a unique understanding of the heart of God.

We shrink from tears like a cat from water, but as the old Arab proverb observes, “All sunshine doth a desert make.” In the words of Scripture, there is “a time to mourn” (Ecclesiastes 3:4). Life has its seasons and the dark rainy days that no one wants are essential for fruitfulness. God will turn your “mourning into dancing” (Psalms 30:11) but for that to happen you must mourn.

There is much evidence that those who confront their inner pain head-on, heal quickest. Inner pain will gradually retreat when we face it, but it will keep haunting us if we run from it.

To live in denial grieves the Spirit of truth. The healing Lord is a God of truth and he ministers in an environment of truth. Have you noticed in the gospels how, before healing them, Jesus often asked sick people what they wanted? As much as Jesus wanted to heal them, their healing hinged on them admitting that they were sick and needed healing. Had they said, “I’m fine,” they would have missed their healing. This principle applies to emotional healing as well as physical healing.

Louise wrote to me saying how she had delayed her healing for so many years by suppressing inner pain rather than facing it and grieving it. I asked this creative woman if she could write a poem about this topic and here is her response:

“He who sows in tears, will reap with a joyful cry”

I’ve tried to trust in the God of truth

While clinging to the lies of youth

I’ve tried to learn the truth myself

And put his grace upon the shelf

I’ve listened to those who madly say

“Do not cry, but to him pray”

But for the baptism giving life

The water of tears of grieving strife

Are necessary. He collects and keeps

Every tear an agonized sad soul weeps

To pour out, melting pillar of salt

Resurrection being the final result

And tenderly, as I seek rightly

Humbly in my difficulty

He’ll touch and bring me joy and peace

And promise life that will not cease.

I long for us not to add to people’s burdens by implying that a stiff upper lip is a spiritual duty, or is even helpful. I would be horrified, however, if anyone responded to this webpage by going to the other extreme of looking down on those who find themselves too inhibited to openly grieve. Our emotional response to crises is largely concreted into us during our formative years. Freeing ourselves up in later years is exceedingly difficult and takes more than mere willpower. Those who clam up emotionally suffer enough without anyone compounding it by being critical of their dilemma.

Particularly men from some cultural backgrounds, such as Anglo-Saxon, often feel duty-bound to go to emotionally unhealthy extremes in suppressing their feelings – with the possible exception of anger – when in physical or emotional distress. For every human, our sexual identity is an enormous part of who we are. From birth to death we are stuck with our gender and to feel that we have failed to live up what is expected of our gender is one of the most devastating things we can suffer. Moreover, I’ve discovered that most of us Christians have a subconscious bias toward claiming biblical justification for our hang-ups.

Like so many men, I grew up believing that a man shedding a tear is at least as shamefully abnormal as a woman growing a beard. Real men never cry. On the other hand, I believed Jesus was the perfect man. Eventually one of those beliefs had to go. Nevertheless, the power of one’s formative years is such that despite what my mind might tell me, it is hard to feel inwardly convinced.

Grieving, however, does not necessarily mean crying. It involves acknowledging to oneself the magnitude of one’s loss. Unfortunately, the pressure many men feel never to cry prevents them from even thinking about their loss, lest the mere thought produce tears.

At first guess, one would suppose that the shared grief over the death of a child would bring a husband and wife closer together. Sadly, the opposite usually applies. A major reason for this is that it is normal for people to react to grief in very different ways. Some, for instance, will try to offload pain by talking incessantly about it, whereas others feel they can cope only by never mentioning it. Put a representative from each group together in marriage and one partner will see the other as a continual depressive influence, like a dead weight on someone barely able to keep afloat, while the other partner thinks he/she is married to someone oppressively cold and distant. The tragedy is that each responds to emotional pain in a way that inflames the other’s pain. This calls for great love, understanding and perseverance. Keep pouring out your heart to God, however, and the trial will be shortened.

Grief is a part of the victorious Christian life. It is a place we visit but we don’t have to live there. It is not biblical to live in denial or try to sidestep grief, but neither is it biblical to sidestep praise, nor to make grief our home, rather than just a place we pass through. No matter how bad things have been, our loving Lord has good planned for us and wants us to live in hope. For encouragement, see Finding Hope When There is No Hope.

For insight into just how common the shedding of tears is in the Bible, I invite you to glance at the Scriptures below. To see all these Scriptures together is quite impacting.

Scriptures Specifically Mentioning Men Crying

Genesis 27:38 . . . Esau lifted up his voice, and wept.

Genesis 29:11 Jacob kissed Rachel, and lifted up his voice, and wept.

Genesis 33:4 Esau ran to meet him, embraced him, fell on his neck, kissed him, and they wept.

Genesis 37:35 All his sons and all his daughters rose up to comfort him, but he refused to be comforted. He said, “For I will go down to Sheol to my son mourning.” His father wept for him.

Genesis 42:24 He turned himself away from them, and wept. . . .

Genesis 43:30 Joseph hurried, for his heart yearned over his brother; and he sought a place to weep. He entered into his room, and wept there.

Genesis 45:2 He wept aloud. The Egyptians heard, and the house of Pharaoh heard.

Genesis 45:14 He fell on his brother Benjamin’s neck, and wept, and Benjamin wept on his neck.

Genesis 45:15 He kissed all his brothers, and wept on them. . . .

Genesis 46:29 Joseph . . . presented himself to him, and fell on his neck, and wept on his neck a good while.

Genesis 50:1 Joseph fell on his father’s face, wept on him, and kissed him.

Genesis 50:17 . . . Joseph wept when they spoke to him.

1 Samuel 20:41 . . . David . . . fell on his face to the ground, and bowed himself three times. They kissed one another, and wept one with another, and David wept the most.

1 Samuel 24:16 . . . Saul said, “Is that your voice, my son David?” Saul lifted up his voice, and wept.

1 Samuel 30:4 Then David and the people who were with him lifted up their voice and wept until they had no more power to weep.

2 Samuel 1:12 They mourned, wept, and fasted until evening, for Saul, and for Jonathan his son, and for the people of the Lord, and for the house of Israel; because they had fallen by the sword.

2 Samuel 3:16 Her husband went with her, weeping as he went, and followed her to Bahurim. Then Abner said to him, “Go! Return!” and he returned.

2 Samuel 3:32 . . . the king lifted up his voice, and wept at Abner’s grave; and all the people wept.

2 Samuel 12:21 Then his servants said to him, “What is this that you have done? You fasted and wept for the child while he was alive, but when the child was dead, you rose up and ate bread.”

2 Samuel 12:22 He said, “While the child was yet alive, I fasted and wept; for I said, ‘Who knows whether the Lord will not be gracious to me, that the child may live?’

2 Samuel 13:36 As soon as he had finished speaking, behold, the king’s sons came, and lifted up their voice, and wept. The king also and all his servants wept bitterly.

2 Samuel 15:30 David went up by the ascent of the Mount of Olives, and wept as he went up; and he had his head covered, and went barefoot: and all the people who were with him each covered his head, and they went up, weeping as they went up.

2 Samuel 18:33 The king was much moved, and went up to the room over the gate, and wept. As he went, he said, “My son Absalom! My son, my son Absalom! I wish I had died for you, Absalom, my son, my son!”

2 Samuel 19:1 Joab was told, “Behold, the king weeps and mourns for Absalom.”

2 Kings 8:11 . . . Then the man of God wept.

2 Kings 8:12 Hazael said, “Why do you weep, my lord?” . . .

2 Kings 13:14 Now Elisha became sick with the illness of which he died; and Joash the king of Israel came down to him, and wept over him . . .

2 Kings 20:3 . . . And Hezekiah wept bitterly.

2 Kings 20:5 . . .tell Hezekiah the prince of my people, ‘The Lord, the God of David your father, says, “I have heard your prayer. I have seen your tears. . . .

2 Kings 22:19 because your heart was tender, and you humbled yourself before the Lord, when you heard what I spoke against this place, and against its inhabitants, that they should become a desolation and a curse, and have torn your clothes, and wept before me; I also have heard you,’ says the Lord.

2 Chronicles 34:27 because your heart was tender, and you humbled yourself before God, when you heard his words against this place, and against its inhabitants, and have humbled yourself before me, and have torn your clothes, and wept before me; I also have heard you,” says the Lord.

Ezra 3:12-13 But many of the priests and Levites and heads of fathers’ households, the old men who had seen the first house, when the foundation of this house was laid before their eyes, wept with a loud voice. Many also shouted aloud for joy so that the people could not discern the noise of the shout of joy from the noise of the weeping of the people; for the people shouted with a loud shout, and the noise was heard far away.

Ezra 10:1 Now while Ezra prayed and made confession, weeping and casting himself down before God’s house, there was gathered together to him out of Israel a very great assembly of men and women and children; for the people wept very bitterly.

Nehemiah 1:4 When I heard these words, I sat down and wept, and mourned certain days . . .

Esther 4:1 . . . Mordecai tore his clothes, and put on sackcloth with ashes, and went out into the middle of the city, and wailed loudly and a bitterly.

Job 2:12 When they lifted up their eyes from a distance, and didn’t recognize him, they raised their voices, and wept; and they each tore his robe, and sprinkled dust on their heads toward the sky.

Job 16:16 My face is red with weeping. Deep darkness is on my eyelids.

Job 16:20 My friends scoff at me. My eyes pour out tears to God

Job 30:25 Didn’t I weep for him who was in trouble? Wasn’t my soul grieved for the needy?

Psalms 6:6 I am weary with my groaning. Every night I flood my bed. I drench my couch with my tears.

Psalms 6:8 Depart from me, all you workers of iniquity, for the Lord has heard the voice of my weeping.

Psalms 30:11 You turned my wailing into dancing; you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy (NIV)

Psalms 39:12 Hear my prayer, Lord, and give ear to my cry. Don’t be silent at my tears. . . .

Psalms 42:3 My tears have been my food day and night, while they continually ask me, “Where is your God?”

Psalms 69:10 When I wept and I fasted, that was to my reproach.

Psalms 102:9 For I have eaten ashes like bread, and mixed my drink with tears

Psalms 119:136 Streams of tears run down my eyes, because they don’t observe your law.

Isaiah 16:9 Therefore I will weep, with the weeping of Jazer for the vine of Sibmah. I will water you with my tears . . .

Isaiah 22:4 . . . Look away from me. I will weep bitterly. . . .

Isaiah 33:7 Behold, their valiant ones cry outside; the ambassadors of peace weep bitterly.

Isaiah 38:3 . . . Hezekiah wept bitterly.

Isaiah 38:5 Go, and tell Hezekiah, ‘The Lord says, the God of David your father, “I have heard your prayer. I have seen your tears. Behold, I will add fifteen years to your life.

Jeremiah 25:36 A voice of the cry of the shepherds, and the wailing of the principal of the flock! for the Lord lays waste their pasture.

Jeremiah 41:6 Ishmael the son of Nethaniah went out from Mizpah to meet them, weeping all along as he went . . .

Jeremiah 48:31-32 Therefore I will wail for Moab; yes, I will cry out for all Moab: for the men of Kir Heres shall they mourn. With more than the weeping of Jazer will I weep for you . . .

Lamentations 2:11 My eyes do fail with tears, my heart is troubled; My liver is poured on the earth, because of the destruction of the daughter of my people . . .

Lamentations 3:48-49 My eye runs down with streams of water, for the destruction of the daughter of my people. My eye pours down, and doesn’t cease, without any intermission

Hosea 12:4 . . . he wept, and made supplication to him. . . .

Micah 1:8 For this I will lament and wail; I will go stripped and naked; I will howl like the jackals, and moan like the daughters of owls.

Zechariah 11:3 A voice of the wailing of the shepherds! . . .

Malachi 2:13 This again you do: you cover the altar of the Lord with tears, with weeping, and with sighing . . .

Matthew 26:75 Peter remembered the word which Jesus had said to him, “Before the rooster crows, you will deny me three times.” He went out and wept bitterly.

Mark 14:72 The rooster crowed the second time. Peter remembered the word, how that Jesus said to him, “Before the rooster crows twice, you will deny me three times.” When he thought about that, he wept.

Luke 19:41 When he came near, he saw the city and wept over it

Luke 22:62 He went out, and wept bitterly.

John 11:35 Jesus wept.

Acts 20:19 serving the Lord with all humility, with many tears, and with trials which happened to me by the plots of the Jews

Acts 20:31 Therefore watch, remembering that for a period of three years I didn’t cease to admonish everyone night and day with tears.

Acts 20:37 They all wept a lot, and fell on Paul’s neck and kissed him

Acts 21:13 Then Paul answered, “What are you doing, weeping and breaking my heart? For I am ready not only to be bound, but also to die at Jerusalem for the name of the Lord Jesus.”

2 Corinthians 2:4 For out of much affliction and anguish of heart I wrote to you with many tears . . .

Philippians 3:18 For many walk, of whom I told you often, and now tell you even weeping, as the enemies of the cross of Christ

2 Timothy 1:4 longing to see you, remembering your tears, that I may be filled with joy

Hebrews 5:7 He, in the days of his flesh, having offered up prayers and petitions with strong crying and tears to him who was able to save him from death, and having been heard for his godly fear

Hebrews 12:17 . . . he found no place for a change of mind though he sought it diligently with tears.

Revelation 5:4 And I wept much, because no one was found worthy to open the book, or to look in it.

Revelation 5:5 One of the elders said to me, “Don’t weep. Behold, the Lion who is of the tribe of Judah, the Root of David, has overcome; he who opens the book and its seven seals.”

If you have suffered the loss of an infant through abortion, miscarriage or early death, I suggest reading Is My Baby in Heaven?

For further help and comfort with your grief, read Basking In Infinite Love and then keep following the first link at the end of each article.