Submission?

My husband was brought up on a farm. That pretty much sums up his sex education.

It is a real blessing to read Understanding Your Wife’s View Of Sex and know that at least one man really understands his wife’s view of sex, and is willing to accommodate it. Yet I believe you have done the right thing in reminding wives of their equally solemn obligations to their husbands.

I’m now a widow, after 38 years of marriage. My husband showed nothing like the kindness and consideration of the writer of that webpage. In fact, here’s how I initially reacted to parts of the webpage.

Gone all the time but just showing up for sex

For a few months my husband was working away from home, and would only get home at the weekend. I don’t remember him ever asking me what kind of a week I had had, struggling with four little kids on my own. There was usually only one thing on his mind – the bedroom.

“Is there anything I can do to reduce your stress level?” I asked her.

On reading this I laughed sarcastically at the thought of my husband ever being considerate enough to let me off having sex because I was exhausted or unwell. Dream on! He seemed to specialize in demanding sex in the most inconvenient of times and places, with total disregard to my feelings.

She found herself trying to stay up as late as possible, so that I would be so exhausted as to fall straight to sleep.

Been there, done that!

My wife had been “sleeping with the enemy” and the “enemy” was me!

I can certainly relate to that!

“Or what if my wife develops breast cancer and requires a mastectomy?”

I never had to face that, but if ever I was lying in bed sick – I was in the right position, wasn’t I – it would be a shame to bypass such an opportunity!

Considering that was what my marriage was like, week after week for 38 years, why did I choose “the wives should obey their husbands” scenario – especially since, as so many abused women have found to their sorrow, many male church leaders seem incapable of understanding the distress abused wives experience on a day-to-day basis? Even in our politically correct climate, while ministers are very quick to point out the wives’ responsibilities to their husbands, the converse is seldom heard. Yet Scripture is quite strong on this point!

Ephesians 5:25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.

Colossians 3:19 Husbands, love your wives and do not be harsh with them.

1 Peter 3:7 Husbands, in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect as the weaker partner and as heirs with you of the gracious gift of life, so that nothing will hinder your prayers.

These days we often hear the expression “friendly fire.” Some church leaders are very good at doing this to wives in their congregations who are struggling in an abusive marriage. I remember one elder saying to me: “Your husband seems a very easy person to get on with.” I snapped back: “As long as he’s getting his own way!”

Although I didn’t suffer in my marriage nearly as much as some wives, I quite understand why some women have become disillusioned with their church and – mistakenly – with their God. Often these hurting women are treated as being wholly responsible for the disharmony in the marriage. My heart goes out to them!

One experience where I sought help from a minister, was particularly hurtful. With great difficulty I shared with this man what was distressing me the most; that my husband had insisted on what I consider to be degrading, perverted acts, despite me pleading that he not do it. Although I was facing this minister across his desk, his reaction caused me to feel that his office had suddenly lengthened, and that this man and I were at opposite ends of a 20 foot room.

On hearing my muffled words, the minister had immediately swung around in his swivel chair so he didn’t have to look at me. I felt totally rejected.

He proceeded to say in a cold voice, “Naturally, I only have your side of the story. Would your husband be willing to talk to me?” I gave this minister our home phone number and he rang my husband. My husband’s reply (related to me by the minister) was, “I don’t have time to talk to you!”

Any hope I may have had dissolved. This incident so hurt and humiliated me that I was unwilling to share it with any of my friends. Had I done so, I am sure some of them would have been even more adamant about my right to leave my husband and seek my own happiness. So why didn’t I?

I do not consider myself infallible. In explaining why I stayed in the marriage, I can only speak for myself. If anyone devoted to Christ, after seeking to die to self and to receive God’s understanding of his Word, were to disagree with my view, I have no right to consider myself more able to hear from God than her.

There is one basic reason why I stayed: I had promised God to obey my husband.

Ecclesiastes 4-6a When you make a vow to God, do not delay in fulfilling it. He has no pleasure in fools; fulfill your vow. It is better not to vow than to make a vow and not fulfill it. Do not let your mouth lead you into sin. And do not protest . . . “My vow was a mistake.”

Not only had I promised to obey my husband, I had also promised to stay married to him. And it was only because I had a personal relationship with God, that I was able to endure the ongoing mental and emotional cruelty my husband kept dumping on me.

I must point out, however, that my husband was faithful. I was also blessed in that he was not violent. He seemed so driven by the S word that even if he had raised his hand against me he would most likely have got sidetracked – again!

Nevertheless, friends of mine felt that I would have been justified in leaving him; that I shouldn’t have sentenced myself to penal servitude for all those years. But if life was about us making sure we get fairly treated, there is no way Christ would have come to earth and let himself be unfairly treated. And Scripture repeatedly urges us to follow Christ’s example that we might share in his reward.

My children had no problems with my husband. Did I have the right to deprive them of the constant presence of a good father and provider just for the sake of my own personal happiness? And what right did I have to deprive my husband of his children?

And I couldn’t evade this Scripture:

1 Corinthians 7:4 The wife’s body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband’s body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife.

So how could I in all conscience deny my husband access to my body? Yes, he had Scriptural obligations to me that I felt he ignored. He wasn’t even a Christian. (Yes, I had foolishly disobeyed God by marrying a non-Christian.) But since when does someone acting like a non-Christian give me the right to act like a non-Christian?

Of course, I didn’t always like what the Bible said, but that didn’t change what it said. I was particularly challenged by the book of Hosea.

God was determined to help the Israelites understand how much he loved them in spite of their constant rebellion against him. So he told Hosea, one of his prophets, to actually marry an adulterous woman, (who had possibly been a cultic prostitute in the service of Baal). Her ongoing unfaithfulness to her husband Hosea, became a living parable of Israel’s unfaithfulness to God; and God’s willingness to forgive them and be reconciled to them. Speaking of Israel, the Lord said:

Hosea 2:14, 19-20 Therefore I am now going to allure her; I will lead her into the desert and speak tenderly to her. . . . I will betroth you to me forever; I will betroth you in righteousness and justice, in love and compassion. I will betroth you in faithfulness, and you will acknowledge the LORD.

But Hosea must have had a much better disposition than I did! Over the long years of my marriage I grew very bitter toward my husband; and although I obeyed him by yielding to his sexual demands, it was usually with gritted teeth, and with a snarling resentment burning inside of me.

So I was appalled when God made it clear to me that not only did my actions toward my husband have to be right, my attitude also had to be right. And he gave me this Scripture:

1 Peter 3:1-4 Wives, in the same way be submissive to your husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives, when they see the purity and reverence of your lives. Your beauty . . . should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight.

I was an absolute stranger to “a gentle and quiet spirit”.

But then, at some stage, I noticed the phrase “in the same way” near the beginning of that passage.

In the same way as what? I checked the context:

1 Peter 2:21-23 To this you were called, because Christ suffered for you, leaving you an example, that you should follow in his steps. He committed no sin, and no deceit was found in his mouth. When they hurled their insults at him, he did not retaliate; when he suffered, he made no threats. Instead, he entrusted himself to him who judges justly.

So I decided I needed to rely on God’s grace to develop in me a Christlike, “gentle and quiet spirit” and trust the One “who judges justly” to take care of consequences.

Wives have an awesome privilege – and an awesome responsibility. By being cooperative whenever her husband asks for sex, a wife is lessening the possibility that he will be tempted by women outside the home. Though no defense is foolproof, wives are God’s first line of defense in morally protecting their husbands.

Proverbs 31:11 says of a wife of noble character, “Her husband has full confidence in her and lacks nothing of value.”

Actually, the KJV renders it, “he shall have no need of spoil.” (That is not the weird rendering that it may seem at first reading. It is a reference to the spoils of war and is so translated by the NIV in every other instance, with the exception of one expression that it chooses to paraphrase, rather than give a literal rendering. I have always taken this to mean that because I was always available, my husband never needed to go making conquests elsewhere.

The following is every occurrence of the word used in Proverbs 31:11. In each verse the English translation of the Hebrew word is highlighted.

Genesis 49:27 Benjamin is a ravenous wolf; in the morning he devours the prey, in the evening he divides the plunder.

Exodus 15:9 The enemy boasted, ‘I will pursue, I will overtake them. I will divide the spoils; I will gorge myself on them. I will draw my sword and my hand will destroy them.’

Numbers 31:11 They took all the plunder and spoils, including the people and animals,

Numbers 31:12 and brought the captives, spoils and plunder to Moses and Eleazar the priest and the Israelite assembly at their camp on the plains of Moab, by the Jordan across from Jericho.

Deuteronomy 2:35 But the livestock and the plunder from the towns we had captured we carried off for ourselves.

Deuteronomy 3:7 But all the livestock and the plunder from their cities we carried off for ourselves.

Deuteronomy 13:16 Gather all the plunder of the town into the middle of the public square and completely burn the town and all its plunder as a whole burnt offering to the LORD your God. It is to remain a ruin forever, never to be rebuilt.

Deuteronomy 20:14 As for the women, the children, the livestock and everything else in the city, you may take these as plunder for yourselves. And you may use the plunder the LORD your God gives you from your enemies.

Joshua 7:21 When I saw in the plunder a beautiful robe from Babylonia, two hundred shekels of silver and a wedge of gold weighing fifty shekels, I coveted them and took them. They are hidden in the ground inside my tent, with the silver underneath.

Joshua 8:2 You shall do to Ai and its king as you did to Jericho and its king, except that you may carry off their plunder and livestock for yourselves. Set an ambush behind the city.”

Joshua 8:27 But Israel did carry off for themselves the livestock and plunder of this city, as the LORD had instructed Joshua.

Joshua 11:14 The Israelites carried off for themselves all the plunder and livestock of these cities, but all the people they put to the sword until they completely destroyed them, not sparing anyone that breathed.

Joshua 22:8 saying, “Return to your homes with your great wealth – with large herds of livestock, with silver, gold, bronze and iron, and a great quantity of clothing – and divide with your brothers the plunder from your enemies.”

Judges 5:30 ‘Are they not finding and dividing the spoils: a girl or two for each man, colorful garments as plunder for Sisera, colorful garments embroidered, highly embroidered garments for my neck – all this as plunder?’

Judges 8:24 And he said, “I do have one request, that each of you give me an earring from your share of the plunder.” (It was the custom of the Ishmaelites to wear gold earrings.)

Judges 8:25 They answered, “We’ll be glad to give them.” So they spread out a garment, and each man threw a ring from his plunder onto it.

1 Samuel 14:30 How much better it would have been if the men had eaten today some of the plunder they took from their enemies. Would not the slaughter of the Philistines have been even greater?”

1 Samuel 14:32 They pounced on the plunder and, taking sheep, cattle and calves, they butchered them on the ground and ate them, together with the blood.

1 Samuel 15:19 Why did you not obey the LORD? Why did you pounce on the plunder and do evil in the eyes of the LORD?”

1 Samuel 15:21 The soldiers took sheep and cattle from the plunder, the best of what was devoted to God, in order to sacrifice them to the LORD your God at Gilgal.”

1 Samuel 30:16 He led David down, and there they were, scattered over the countryside, eating, drinking and reveling because of the great amount of plunder they had taken from the land of the Philistines and from Judah.

1 Samuel 30:19 Nothing was missing: young or old, boy or girl, plunder or anything else they had taken. David brought everything back.

1 Samuel 30:20 He took all the flocks and herds, and his men drove them ahead of the other livestock, saying, “This is David’s plunder.”

1 Samuel 30:22 But all the evil men and troublemakers among David’s followers said, “Because they did not go out with us, we will not share with them the plunder we recovered. However, each man may take his wife and children and go.”

1 Samuel 30:26 When David arrived in Ziklag, he sent some of the plunder to the elders of Judah, who were his friends, saying, “Here is a present for you from the plunder of the LORD’s enemies.”

2 Samuel 3:22 Just then David’s men and Joab returned from a raid and brought with them a great deal of plunder. But Abner was no longer with David in Hebron, because David had sent him away, and he had gone in peace.

2 Samuel 8:12 Edom and Moab, the Ammonites and the Philistines, and Amalek. He also dedicated the plunder taken from Hadadezer son of Rehob, king of Zobah.

2 Samuel 12:30 He took the crown from the head of their king – its weight was a talent of gold, and it was set with precious stones – and it was placed on David’s head. He took a great quantity of plunder from the city

2 Kings 3:23 “That’s blood!” they said. “Those kings must have fought and slaughtered each other. Now to the plunder, Moab!”

1 Chronicles 20:2 David took the crown from the head of their king – its weight was found to be a talent of gold, and it was set with precious stones – and it was placed on David’s head. He took a great quantity of plunder from the city

1 Chronicles 26:27 Some of the plunder taken in battle they dedicated for the repair of the temple of the LORD.

2 Chronicles 14:13 and Asa and his army pursued them as far as Gerar. Such a great number of Cushites fell that they could not recover; they were crushed before the LORD and his forces. The men of Judah carried off a large amount of plunder.

2 Chronicles 15:11 At that time they sacrificed to the LORD seven hundred head of cattle and seven thousand sheep and goats from the plunder they had brought back.

2 Chronicles 20:25 So Jehoshaphat and his men went to carry off their plunder, and they found among them a great amount of equipment and clothing and also articles of value – more than they could take away. There was so much plunder that it took three days to collect it.

2 Chronicles 24:23 At the turn of the year, the army of Aram marched against Joash; it invaded Judah and Jerusalem and killed all the leaders of the people. They sent all the plunder to their king in Damascus.

2 Chronicles 28:8 The Israelites took captive from their kinsmen two hundred thousand wives, sons and daughters. They also took a great deal of plunder, which they carried back to Samaria.

2 Chronicles 28:15 The men designated by name took the prisoners, and from the plunder they clothed all who were naked. They provided them with clothes and sandals, food and drink, and healing balm. All those who were weak they put on donkeys. So they took them back to their fellow countrymen at Jericho, the City of Palms, and returned to Samaria.

Esther 3:13 Dispatches were sent by couriers to all the king’s provinces with the order to destroy, kill and annihilate all the Jews – young and old, women and little children – on a single day, the thirteenth day of the twelfth month, the month of Adar, and to plunder their goods.

Esther 8:11 The king’s edict granted the Jews in every city the right to assemble and protect themselves; to destroy, kill and annihilate any armed force of any nationality or province that might attack them and their women and children; and to plunder the property of their enemies.

Psalms 68:12 Kings and armies flee in haste; in the camps men divide the plunder.

Psalms 119:162 I rejoice in your promise like one who finds great spoil.

Proverbs 1:13 we will get all sorts of valuable things and fill our houses with plunder;

Proverbs 16:19 Better to be lowly in spirit and among the oppressed than to share plunder with the proud.

Isaiah 8:4 Before the boy knows how to say ‘My father’ or ‘My mother,’ the wealth of Damascus and the plunder of Samaria will be carried off by the king of Assyria.

Isaiah 9:3 You have enlarged the nation and increased their joy; they rejoice before you as people rejoice at the harvest, as men rejoice when dividing the plunder.

Isaiah 10:2 to deprive the poor of their rights and withhold justice from the oppressed of my people, making widows their prey and robbing the fatherless.

Isaiah 10:6 I send him against a godless nation, I dispatch him against a people who anger me, to seize loot and snatch plunder, and to trample them down like mud in the streets.

Isaiah 33:4 Your plunder, O nations, is harvested as by young locusts; like a swarm of locusts men pounce on it.

Isaiah 33:23 Your rigging hangs loose: The mast is not held secure, the sail is not spread. Then an abundance of spoils will be divided and even the lame will carry off plunder.

Isaiah 53:12 Therefore I will give him a portion among the great, and he will divide the spoils with the strong, because he poured out his life unto death, and was numbered with the transgressors. For he bore the sin of many, and made intercession for the transgressors.

Jeremiah 49:32 Their camels will become plunder, and their large herds will be booty. I will scatter to the winds those who are in distant places and will bring disaster on them from every side,” declares the LORD.

Jeremiah 50:10 So Babylonia will be plundered; all who plunder her will have their fill,” declares the LORD.

Ezekiel 7:21 I will hand it all over as plunder to foreigners and as loot to the wicked of the earth, and they will defile it.

Ezekiel 29:19 Therefore this is what the Sovereign LORD says: I am going to give Egypt to Nebuchadnezzar king of Babylon, and he will carry off its wealth. He will loot and plunder the land as pay for his army.

Ezekiel 38:12 I will plunder and loot and turn my hand against the resettled ruins and the people gathered from the nations, rich in livestock and goods, living at the center of the land.

Ezekiel 38:13 Sheba and Dedan and the merchants of Tarshish and all her villages will say to you, “Have you come to plunder? Have you gathered your hordes to loot, to carry off silver and gold, to take away livestock and goods and to seize much plunder?”

Daniel 11:24 When the richest provinces feel secure, he will invade them and will achieve what neither his fathers nor his forefathers did. He will distribute plunder, loot and wealth among his followers. He will plot the overthrow of fortresses – but only for a time.

Zechariah 2:9 I will surely raise my hand against them so that their slaves will plunder them. Then you will know that the LORD Almighty has sent me.

Zechariah 14:1 A day of the LORD is coming when your plunder will be divided among you.

The only exceptions:

In the following, the NIV chose not a literal translation, but a paraphrase. The Hebrew literally refers to being given one’s life as the spoils of war, which the NIV paraphrases “escape with one’s life.”

Jeremiah 21:9 Whoever stays in this city will die by the sword, famine or plague. But whoever goes out and surrenders to the Babylonians who are besieging you will live; he will escape with his life.

Jeremiah 38:2 “This is what the LORD says: ‘Whoever stays in this city will die by the sword, famine or plague, but whoever goes over to the Babylonians will live. He will escape with his life; he will live.’

Jeremiah 39:18 I will save you; you will not fall by the sword but will escape with your life, because you trust in me, declares the LORD.

Jeremiah 45:5 Should you then seek great things for yourself? Seek them not. For I will bring disaster on all people, declares the LORD, but wherever you go I will let you escape with your life.

The only other time the NIV deviates is:

Proverbs 31:11 Her husband has full confidence in her and lacks nothing of value.

I am more grateful to God than I can express, that he enabled me to be obedient to him, and thus keep my husband contented and keep my marriage intact. My own parents were divorced and so I do know first hand how distressing divorce is for the children.

Although it worked for me, I do not doubt that certain men will stray no matter how accommodating their wives are. Had I the misfortunate to have had such a husband, I would have been heartbroken, but at least I would have had the satisfaction of knowing I had done my utmost to prevent it.