When Inner Pain Returns: By an Alter (Insider)

Help For Everyone With Emotional Pain

If you are struggling with inner pain, my heart weeps for you. I know how hard it is simply to give the pain to Jesus. I give it to him and it keeps coming back! I just don't get it!!! Well, at least I didn’t used to. Now I realize that giving the pain over to Jesus does not necessarily mean he takes the pain away as quickly as I desire. I usually want fast healing – the quick fix. I long to just give the pain to him and be done with it, but I have found that it does not work that way. Let me share some of what Jesus has taught me about this.

I was brutally molested, sodomized, beaten, and threatened with death in a tree house when I was six. (I was formed at that age but I have come to understand that I’m older than that now.)

When I initially came to Jesus he took my pain and carried it. After Jesus took the pain, I started to realize that he loves me and accepts me and I began to trust him. After I was sure of his love and that he would never leave me, he brought the pain back. I could not believe it! I cried out to God, “WHY???? Why, Papa God, did you bring the pain back to me when I gave it to you? I know that Jesus died for our sorrows!”

Papa explained it to me. He said he carried the pain away until I was sure of his love. However, he explained that if the pain were not there, I would not work on exposing the lies that I was believing that came from that rape. (In fact, I stopped working on the lies because there was no pain in it.) Without the pain, there didn’t seem any need to bother with the lies about my self-worth that came from my dad making me sleep with pee on my head, or the lies that came with my brother abusing me and making me do things, or the lie from my dad putting a knife to my private part to cut it off (I actually thought he carried out his threat and cut it off).

The return of the pain has finally motivated me to work on the lies. As I’ve done this, the pain has been receding. I now know that my private parts are intact and that no one will cut them off. I know that what I suffered was not my fault. Jesus has been healing the lies. This takes time. I’ve been talking about the lies, uncovering them, and examining the lies in the light of truth. I did not even know some of them were lies.

When Papa brought the pain back, I split. There are many other alters with me formed at other ages, but when the pain returned, I, who had been one alter formed at the age of six, split again. One new alter took the tree house trauma, one took being peed on, one took the abuse from my brother, and I (the part writing this webpage) took the pain from having a big knife put to me. I did not mean to split again. I'm sorry that it happened but it was just too much. Papa understands.

Jesus is reducing my pain, but the pain is not the issue. That is just a barometer to the damage. It is the damage that has to be undone. We must forgive – and that is just part of the healing. We can forgive and have freedom, yet the working out of the knots of the lies takes time and effort and many tears before Papa. He is changing my heart, and in the process it is taking my pain away.

So I thank him that he brought the pain back, though I was so confused when it first returned and I still sometimes get confused.

Sometimes I just talk to him about my private parts, and who I am. I sometimes think he will be mad at me when I tell him how confused I am or how I think, but he never does.

Sometimes I think the pain is all gone and then it returns. Nevertheless, he is healing me and I don't have as much pain as I used to.

Healing does not usually happen quickly, although sometimes Papa does work that way with some people as soon as they forgive. Not with me, though. That is okay. He is working with me and loves me.

That is what the group I’m in is about: speaking into each other’s lives the truth and helping each to untangle the knots that held us tight.