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The Importance of Humility to God     2 Samuel 22:28  You will save the afflicted people, But your eyes are on the haughty, that you may bring them down.   2 Chronicles 12:12  When he humbled himself, the Lord’s wrath turned from him, so as not to destroy him altogether. . . .   2 Chronicles 32:25  But Hezekiah didn’t render again according to the benefit done to him; for his heart was lifted up: therefore there was wrath on him, and on Judah and Jerusalem.   Psalms 18:27  For you will save the afflicted people, but the haughty eyes you will bring down.   Psalms 25:9  He will guide the humble in justice. He will teach the humble his way.   Psalms 45:4  In your majesty ride on victoriously on behalf of truth, humility, and righteousness. Let your right hand display awesome deeds.   Psalms 101:5  I will silence whoever secretly slanders his neighbor. I won’t tolerate one who is haughty and conceited.   Psalms 131:1   . . . my heart isn’t haughty, nor my eyes lofty; nor do I concern myself with great matters, or things too wonderful for me.   Psalms 147:6  The Lord upholds the humble. He brings the wicked down to the ground.   Proverbs 3:34  Surely he mocks the mockers, but he gives grace to the humble.   Proverbs 11:2  When pride comes, then comes shame, but with humility comes wisdom.   Proverbs 15:33   . . . Before honor is humility.   Proverbs 16:5  The LORD detests all the proud of heart. Be sure of this: They will not go unpunished. Everyone who is proud in heart is an abomination to the Lord:they shall certainly not be unpunished.   Proverbs 18:12  Before destruction the heart of man is proud, but before honor is humility.   Proverbs 22:4  The result of humility and the fear of the Lord is wealth, honor, and life.   Isaiah 2:11  The lofty looks of man will be brought low, the haughtiness of men will be bowed down, and the Lord alone will be exalted in that day.   Isaiah 66:2   . . . says the Lord: “but to this man will I look, even to he who is poor and of a contrite spirit, and who trembles at my word.   Jeremiah 9:23  The Lord says, Don’t let the wise man glory in his wisdom, neither let the mighty man glory in his might, don’t let the rich man glory in his riches   Jeremiah 13:15  Hear, and give ear; don’t be proud; for the Lord has spoken.   Ezekiel 16:49  Behold, this was the iniquity of your sister Sodom: pride, fullness of bread, and prosperous ease was in her and in her daughters; neither did she strengthen the hand of the poor and needy.   Micah 6:8  He has shown you, O man, what is good. What does the Lord require of you, but to act justly, to love mercy, and to walk humbly with your God?   Zephaniah 2:3  Seek the Lord, all you humble of the land, who have kept his ordinances. Seek righteousness. Seek humility. It may be that you will be hidden in the day of the Lord's anger.   Matthew 11:29  Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart; and you will find rest for your souls.   Matthew 18:4  Whoever therefore humbles himself as this little child, the same is the greatest in the Kingdom of Heaven.   Matthew 23:12  Whoever exalts himself will be humbled, and whoever humbles himself will be exalted.   Luke 1:52  He has put down princes from their thrones. And has exalted the lowly.   Luke 18:14  I tell you, this man went down to his house justified rather than the other; for everyone who exalts himself will be humbled, but he who humbles himself will be exalted.”   Acts 20:19  Serving the Lord with all humility, with many tears . . .   Romans 12:16  Be of the same mind one toward another. Don’t set your mind on high things, but associate with the humble. Don’t be wise in your own conceits.   1 Corinthians 1:27-29  But God chose the foolish things of the world that he might put to shame those who are wise. God chose the weak things of the world, that he might put to shame the things that are strong; and God chose the lowly things of the world, and the things that are despised, and the things that are not, that he might bring to nothing the things that are: that no flesh should boast before God.   1 Corinthians 13:4  Love is patient and is kind; love doesn’t envy. Love doesn’t brag, is not proud.   2 Corinthians 12:5   . . . on my own behalf I will not boast, except in my weaknesses.   Ephesians 4:2  With all lowliness and humility, with patience, bearing with one another in love.   Philippians 2:3  Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves.   Colossians 3:12  Put on therefore, as God’s chosen ones, holy and beloved, a heart of compassion, kindness, lowliness, humility, and perseverance.   Titus 3:2  To speak evil of no one, not to be contentious, to be gentle, showing all humility toward all men.   James 3:13  Who is wise and understanding among you? Let him show by his good conduct that his deeds are done in gentleness of wisdom.   1 Peter 3:8  Finally, be all like-minded, compassionate, loving as brothers, tender hearted, courteous   1 Peter 5:5  Likewise, you younger ones, be subject to the elder. Yes, all of you clothe yourselves with humility, to subject yourselves to one another; for “God resists the proud, but gives grace to the humble.”   Leviticus 26:41   . . . if then their uncircumcised heart is humbled, and they then accept the punishment of their iniquity; then I will remember my covenant with Jacob; and also my covenant with Isaac, and also my covenant with Abraham; and I will remember the land.   Numbers 12:3  Now the man Moses was very humble, more than all the men who were on the surface of the earth.   Judges 7:2  The Lord said to Gideon, “The people who are with you are too many for me to give the Midianites into their hand, lest Israel brag against me, saying, ‘My own hand has saved me.’   Deuteronomy 8:2  You shall remember all the way which the Lord your God has led you these forty years in the wilderness, that he might humble you, to prove you, to know what was in your heart . . .   Deuteronomy 8:16  Who fed you in the wilderness with manna, which your fathers didn’t know; that he might humble you, and that he might prove you, to do you good at your latter end.   1 Samuel 2:7  The Lord makes poor, and makes rich. He brings low, he also lifts up.   1 Kings 21:29  “See how Ahab humbles himself before me? Because he humbles himself before me, I will not bring the evil in his days; but in his son’s days will I bring the evil on his house.”   2 Kings 22:19  Because your heart was tender, and you humbled yourself before the lord, when you heard what I spoke against this place, and against its inhabitants, that they should become a desolation and a curse, and have torn your clothes, and wept before me; I also have heard you,’ says the Lord.   2 Chronicles 7:14  If my people, who are called by my name, shall humble themselves, and pray, and seek my face, and turn from their wicked ways; then I will hear from heaven, and will forgive their sin, and will heal their land.   2 Chronicles 12:6  Then the princes of Israel and the king humbled themselves; and they said, “The Lord is righteous.”   2 Chronicles 12:7  When the Lord saw that they humbled themselves, the Lord’s word came to Shemaiah, saying, “They have humbled themselves. I will not destroy them; but I will grant them some deliverance . . . .   2 Chronicles 33:12  When he was in distress, he begged the Lord his God, and humbled himself greatly before the God of his fathers.   2 Chronicles 33:23  He didn’t humble himself before the Lord, as Manasseh his father had humbled himself; but this same Amon trespassed more and more.   2 Chronicles 34:27  because your heart was tender, and you humbled yourself before God, when you heard his words against this place, and against its inhabitants, and have humbled yourself before me, and have torn your clothes, and wept before me; I also have heard you,” says the Lord.   2 Chronicles 36:12  And he did that which was evil in the Lord his God’s sight; he didn’t humble himself before Jeremiah the prophet speaking from the mouth of the Lord.   Ezra 8:21  Then I proclaimed a fast there, at the river Ahava, that we might humble ourselves before our God, to seek of him a straight way for us, and for our little ones, and for all our substance.   Nehemiah 9:16  “But they and our fathers dealt proudly and hardened their neck, didn’t listen to your commandments.   Psalms 75:4  I said to the arrogant, “Don’t boast!” I said to the wicked, “Don’t lift up the horn.   Psalms 149:4  For the Lord takes pleasure in his people. He crowns the humble with salvation.   Proverbs 27:1  Don’t boast about tomorrow; for you don’t know what a day may bring.   Isaiah 2:12  For there will be a day of the Lord of Armies for all that is proud and haughty, and for all that is lifted up; and it shall be brought low.   Isaiah 5:15  So man is brought low, mankind is humbled, and the eyes of the arrogant ones are humbled.   Isaiah 13:11  I will punish the world for their evil, and the wicked for their iniquity. I will cause the arrogance of the proud to cease, and will humble the haughtiness of the terrible.   Isaiah 23:9  The Lord of Armies has planned it, to stain the pride of all glory, to bring into contempt all the honorable of the earth.   Isaiah 26:5  For he has brought down those who dwell on high . . .   Isaiah 29:19  The humble also will increase their joy in the Lord, and the poor among men will rejoice in the Holy One of Israel.   Isaiah 38:15  What will I say? He has both spoken to me, and himself has done it. I will walk carefully all my years because of the anguish of my soul.   Jeremiah 44:10  They are not humbled even to this day, neither have they feared, nor walked in my law, nor in my statutes, that I set before you and before your fathers.   Daniel 4:37  Now I, Nebuchadnezzar, praise and extol and honor the King of heaven; for all his works are truth, and his ways justice; and those who walk in pride he is able to abase.   Daniel 10:12  Then he said to me, Don’t be afraid, Daniel; for from the first day that you set your heart to understand, and to humble yourself before your God, your words were heard: and I have come for your words’ sake.   Malachi 4:1  “For, behold, the day comes, it burns as a furnace; and all the proud, and all who work wickedness, will be stubble; and the day that comes will burn them up,” says the Lord of Armies, “that it shall leave them neither root nor branch.   Zephaniah 3:12  But I will leave among you an afflicted and poor people, and they will take refuge in the Lord's name.   Luke 14:11  For everyone who exalts himself will be humbled, and whoever humbles himself will be exalted.   Romans 4:2  For if Abraham was justified by works, he has something to boast about, but not toward God.   Romans 11:18  Don’t boast over the branches. But if you boast, it is not you who support the root, but the root supports you.   Romans 11:20   . . . Don’t be conceited, but fear.   1 Corinthians 4:7  For who makes you different? And what do you have that you didn’t receive? But if you did receive it, why do you boast as if you had not received it?   1 Corinthians 5:6  Your boasting is not good. Don’t you know that a little yeast leavens the whole lump?   Ephesians 2:9  not of works, that no one would boast.   Philippians 2:5 , 8  Have this in your mind, which was also in Christ Jesus . . . he humbled himself . . .   1 Timothy 6:17  Charge those who are rich in this present world that they not be haughty, nor have their hope set on the uncertainty of riches . . .   James 4:6  But he gives more grace. Therefore it says, “God resists the proud, but gives grace to the humble.”   James 4:10  Humble yourselves in the sight of the Lord, and he will exalt you.   1 John 2:16  For all that is in the world, the lust of the flesh, the lust of the eyes, and the pride of life, isn’t the Father’s, but is the world’s.   Back

Don’t Know What to Say?    How to:       Say the Right Thing             Give Godly Advice                   Support & Help the Bereaved & Hurting                         Be a Real Friend   The very fact that you have chosen to read this webpage puts you way above average.   One of the least recognized tragedies is that most of us presume we instinctively know how to be a good friend and how to say the right thing and give godly advice. Few of us would put ourselves in the league of professional counselors, but most of us feel at least able to offer a few helpful words to encourage or cheer someone who is hurting, depressed, bereaved or in a crisis. Sadly, that confidence is often misplaced.   Imagine being a nurse in a burns unit. You want to dress the wounds of patients with horrific burns, knowing that the slightest slip will send them to the roof in agony. Just one further complication: the patients are new to you and a power failure combined with emergency lighting having to be diverted to more critical areas of the hospital means the ward is pitch black. You cannot see a thing and the patients are new to you, so you don’t know the precise nature or location of their burns. That’s what it is like relating to someone who has inner pain. Emotional wounds are invisible. You can never be certain who is hurting, nor what well-meaning words will send them reeling in pain.   The average person approaches hurting people like someone cocksure that two weeks in a meat factory qualifies them to engage in heart surgery. The vast majority of us sincerely care and have no idea that our kind-hearted attempts to cheer are almost the emotional equivalent of trying to trim someone’s toenails with a chainsaw.   Before moving on to how to genuinely help, it is vital to explain why virtually everyone ends up sometimes hurting people without ever realizing it.   Job’s friends seem to have genuinely cared and yet they plummeted from comforters to tormenters when they thought themselves smart enough to help Job out by answering for him the enormous WHY? that pounded like the worst headache within him.   Omniscience is meant to be a uniquely divine attribute and yet we somehow seem to think we have failed our friends and even let God down if we are not all-knowing. Learning that “God is God, and we are not,” might seem pretty basic, but few of us seem to get it.   Finally, God could restrain himself no longer and brought peace by silencing everyone with a series of questions about nature that everyone present found unanswerable.   Job was an exceptionally godly man who knew God far better than most and yet it was only after being shot down by a hail of questions that only God could answer that he reached the point of saying:   Job 42:3-6   . . . Surely I spoke of things I did not understand, things too wonderful for me to know.  . . . My ears had heard of you but now my eyes have seen you. Therefore I despise myself and repent in dust and ashes.   If we truly know God, why aren’t we humbled into silence by the consciousness of how staggeringly inferior our understanding is, relative to God’s?   “ The fear of the LORD [ realizing how terrifyingly superior he is ] is the beginning of wisdom ”    Humility is such a vital component of the authentic Christian life and so essential for anyone to radiate the beauty of Christ that I beg you to invest at least two seconds quickly scanning the Scriptures listed in the link to see how much God’s Word emphasizes it:  The Importance of Humility to God   Instead of growing in humility and wisdom, the longer we are Christians, the more we are in danger of becoming arrogant know-alls. It has certainly tripped me up more times than I even realize.   Arrogance can have such grave repercussions as to turn our genuine attempts to help into something that drives people to suicide or into the slimy hands of the devil.   I am getting to know a man whom I’ll call Robert. Still to this day he is reeling in pain because of a child abuse too horrific for almost any of us to imagine. He used to lead worship at church and for five years belonged to a team of evangelists. He is very likable and, knowing my commitment to Christ, tries to be gracious, but the truth is that Christian know-alls, in the proud tradition – and I do mean proud – of Job’s “comforters,” have so turned him off Christianity that he has found solace in Buddhism and is now nearly an atheist. This highly intelligent and biblically knowledgeable man shared the following with me as a major factor in him abandoning Christianity:   Each time I walk into a church I can palpably feel the tunnel vision. I know that many people in there, especially those in leadership, have their neat little view of the universe on handy mental flash cards, ready to whip an answer out at a moment’s notice to life’s biggest questions, rather than admit, “You’re asking the wrong person, dude. I’m just a mortal. How in the world could I ever even hope to contemplate the vastness of understanding even 1% of  any  topic involving God or ethics or morality or humankind.”   Instead of them being willing and open and  wanting  to get to know me, as soon as I start to speak I can see their minds ticking off boxes to categorize me until finally, BING! “Here I have a verse for you,” which they quote, give their cheesy personality-less, churchy smile and walk off.   I’m left standing there feeling . . . well feeling raped, actually! I feel they came to me, made out that they were doing something nice for me, used me for their own ego with their verse-come-into-my-mind, then promptly popped their clothes back on and scooted out the door.   I see going to church and interacting with small-minded people who feel they can sum up humanity into a handy brochure of Bible verses synonymous with walking into a dark alley filled with drunken bikers. It’s too dangerous for anyone but a fool to risk. I always walk away deeply hurt and feeling used.   I once went with a male friend of mine to a new church. The nicest thing that was said to me the entire time was, “I think you’ll find you both will fit in here. We’re very accepting of your lifestyle.”   My friend pointed out to me later, “Um . . . I think they think we’re gay, dude.”   That just sums up for me: the nicest word anyone in a church has ever said to me was still incorrect and based on presumption rather than getting to know me.   It is terrifyingly rare for anyone to be a Christian for long without acting like Job’s friends who were sure they were serving God and helping their friend with godly advice when they were actually deeply wounding him and incurring God’s hot displeasure (Job 42:7). Few of us will ever realize this side of eternity all the damage we have caused while being convinced we were delighting God and blessing people. I shudder to guess at how often I have joined the ranks of deluded do-gooders who are blissfully ignorant of how much damage they cause.   Of course, the opposite danger to overconfidence is to be so scared of saying the wrong thing that we avoid people who we know are having a hard time. That, too can deeply hurt people.   Both mistakes often have the same cause: fear of admitting that we do not have all the answers. To avoid these dangers we need to feel comfortable with our limitations and to realize that these very limitations are actually our greatest asset, empowering us to come alongside hurting people as equals, rather than causing them to feel like idiots for not being as “smart” as us.   When people need God, step out of the way and let them connect with God. Our unique, divinely appointed contribution to helping people who are hurting is not our ability to fake divinity but our humanity; not in having all the answers but in embracing with these dear people the bewilderment that is an integral part of being human.   Only when our trust grows so deep that we can truly let God be God can we at last relax enough to be truly human. The book of Proverbs repeatedly warns of how foolish it is to talk too much.   Proverbs 10:19  When words are many, sin is not absent, but he who holds his tongue is wise. Proverbs 13:3  He who guards his lips guards his life, but he who speaks rashly will come to ruin. Proverbs 17:14  Starting a quarrel is like breaching a dam; so drop the matter before a dispute breaks out. Proverbs 17:27-28  A man of knowledge uses words with restraint, and a man of understanding is even-tempered. Even a fool is thought wise if he keeps silent, and discerning if he holds his tongue. Proverbs 18:2  A fool finds no pleasure in understanding but delights in airing his own opinions. Proverbs 18:21  The tongue has the power of life and death, and those who love it will eat its fruit. Proverbs 20:19  A gossip betrays a confidence; so avoid a man who talks too much. Proverbs 21:23  He who guards his mouth and his tongue keeps himself from calamity. Proverbs 29:20  Do you see a man who speaks in haste? There is more hope for a fool than for him. Proverbs 30:5-6  Every word of God is flawless . . . Do not add to his words, or he will rebuke you and prove you a liar. Psalms 17:3  Though you probe my heart and examine me at night, though you test me, you will find nothing; I have resolved that my mouth will not sin. And  James  warns that the tongue is like a seemingly harmless spark that can ignite a wildfire. I had thought the danger of the tongue was merely in saying things that we knew were nasty. And I thought the foolishness of talking too much was only in uttering too much trivia. Only recently have I seen the significance of this introduction to James’s dissertation on the destructive power of the tongue:   James 3:1  Not many of you should presume to be teachers, my brothers, because you know that we who teach will be judged more strictly.   Only when I realized that this commences his discussion of the tongue did the full impact of his message finally hit me: it is dangerous to act like a teacher because we often slip up. We take upon ourselves the role of teacher whenever we give our two cents’ worth of advice, and by doing so we expose our victims to great danger and ourselves to the wrath of God, just as Job’s would-be helpers did. What pain would be spared if only we could hold our tongue and restrain our urge to act like know-alls!   Rather than let Job’s bitter experience be wasted, let’s burn into our brains something critical he learnt:   Job 6:14  To him who is about to faint and despair, kindness is due from his friend, lest he forsake the fear of the Almighty. (Amplified Bible)   Most of us feel a compulsion to talk, when what people who are hurting need is not words but kindness.   As James emphasized:   James 1:19  My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry.   The man I quoted above was delighted to read an early draft of this webpage and added this:   Perhaps people would be less hurt when Christians (and other people who mean well) stopped trying to help. If God has placed someone on your path, walk with them and get to know them. You will probably learn a lot more than you impart, but by not judging and just listening and enjoying the other person, you may give them a gift that is beyond words and beyond answers.   A Happy Ending   A few weeks have passed since writing the above. I kept giving Robert the respect and non-judgmental love that we owe everyone. I treated him as a valued friend, eagerly looking forward to hearing from him, continually listening to him, feeling his pain, sincerely praising him and holding him in high esteem. There was nothing artificial about this, nor mixed with ulterior motives. It was just an unconscious reflection of the person I have slowly become after many years of the Lord patiently molding me, primarily through unpleasant trials. (Trials might not be directly from God but all the glory goes to him for the astounding way he transforms them into a sculptor’s chisel so that what for years seem painful, useless and devastating, result in a divine masterpiece for which we will spend all eternity praising God.)   Robert was wary at first, but after weeks of unconditional love and genuine respect, not only did his trust in me gradually warm, but so did his trust in God. He now has a beautiful relationship with God and I value him as my ministry partner.

Christian, Be Angry! And Sin Not   The Role of Anger in True Forgiveness   I frequently support people who have been deeply wronged, such as adult survivors of severe child abuse. Whenever any of them tell me they are angry, I rejoice and assure them that God himself is furious at what was done to them. Anyone suffering nearly as much cruelty as them who has not felt deep anger is most unlikely to be a saint but simply someone living too much in denial to have fully forgiven.   “To forgive is divine,” but we stray from being Godlike if we forget there are times when it is divine to be angry.   God’s “anger lasts only a moment,”  but he does get angry. In fact, “Who can withstand his indignation? Who can endure his fierce anger? His wrath is poured out like fire . . .” (Nahum 1:6). The God of Truth does not live in denial (self-deception). He gets fully in touch with how deeply he has been offended and how totally unacceptable and disgusting sin is. “Everything is uncovered and laid bare before the eyes of him to whom we must give account,” (Hebrews 4:13). He whitewashes nothing. It is this relentless commitment to reality that makes his forgiveness authentic. Forgiveness should not be confused with having no ill-feeling towards someone. If someone has cheated you out of a million dollars and you are totally unaware of it, then you might not feel the slightest trace of anger but you have not even begun to forgive him. Neither is it is enough to forgive this million dollar trickster for conning you out of five thousand dollars. How can you forgive if you haven’t even reached first base and fully admitted to yourself the things that need forgiving? Genuine forgiveness can never involve underrating the gravity of the wrongdoing. It is not forgiveness to try to make believe that, “What happened wasn’t really so bad.” Nor is it forgiveness to seek excuses for the offender’s actions. That would actually be side-stepping forgiveness – pretending there is no need for forgiveness. If someone has committed a grave offence against you without it ever making your blood boil, I question whether you have as yet had the courage to come to grips with the reality of what happened. Like a drowning man too scared to let go of a twig to grab his rescuer’s hand, we can fear anger so much that we cannot release the tight grip on our emotions long enough to get a decent grip on reality. Despite our best intentions to forgive, the mistaken fear that anger is unchristian can cause us to back off so far, so quickly after first sensing the slightest anger bubbling within us that we deny ourselves the opportunity to truly acknowledge the extent of the injury we have suffered. Sadly, this highly commendable desire to do the right thing could end up causing us to unknowingly short-circuit the entire forgiving process. We presume we have forgiven because we do not let ourselves feel anger, when deep within – so deep that most of the time we presume it isn’t there – unresolved pain and anger torment us year after year after year.   After years of slinking away whenever memory of the offense rises, there is nothing so liberating and empowering as seizing the courage to stare down the beast. Too often, however, we hide from admitting to ourselves the extent to which we have been sinned against because we fear that it is just too painful to face and/or that if we fully acknowledged how atrociously we have been treated, we could not find within us the power to forgive so great an offense. Nevertheless, if through faith in Christ you are in true spiritual union with him, the almighty, forgiving Lord is within you; the God of truth who says, “Be ye angry, and sin not” (Ephesians 4:26, KJV) and declares that all things work together for good because we are destined to be conformed to the likeness of his glorious Son, (Romans 8:28-30) – the one whose power to face reality and truly forgive knows no limit.     Full forgiveness is confessing (at least to yourself), “What you did to me was despicable and inexcusable. You are at fault and should be fully punished. But I, too, have stood guilty and without excuse before a holy God and in his flawless justice he did not let my sin go unpunished. Driven by unfathomable love, he chose to suffer in his own person the horrific consequences of my sin and the full agony of the punishment I deserve. So I celebrate the endless joy of my undeserved pardon by forgiving you as freely and fully as I have been forgiven.” The words, of course, will be your own but they will include those elements. Many people have fooled themselves into supposing they have forgiven when they have hardly even begun the process and are simply living in denial of the magnitude of the offence. They have conned themselves into presuming they have forgiven by confusing forgiveness with trying to pretend that the offence never happened or that it was more minor than it really was. That is no more forgiveness, however, than merely  pretending  that you have forgiven and it will bring no more healing than pretending that a cancerous lump does not exist. Jessica Shaver discovered the transforming power of admitting to ourselves our true feelings. Her poem also brings into focus the reality that our suppressed anger is often directed towards the one Person who is truly without fault: I told God I was angry, I thought He’d be surprised. I thought I’d kept hostility quite cleverly disguised. I told the Lord I hate Him, I told Him that I hurt. I told Him that He isn’t fair, that He’d treated me like dirt! I told God I was angry, but I’m the one surprised!“ What I’ve known all along,” He said, “You’ve finally realized. At last you have admitted what’s really in your heart. Dishonesty, not anger, was keeping us apart. “Even when you hate Me, I don’t stop loving you. Before you can receive that love you must confess what’s true. In telling me the anger you genuinely feel. It loses power over you, permitting you to heal.” I told God I was sorry, and He’s forgiven me. The truth that I was angry had finally set me free.   If forgiveness has no partnership with denying the reality of the offence, neither has it any partnership with denying the likelihood that the offender will re-offend. Just as forgiveness is not saying, “It wasn’t your fault, or “You couldn’t help it,” or “It wasn’t so bad,” neither is forgiveness saying, “I’m now so naïve as to believe that my decision to forgive you has suddenly made you incapable of doing wrong.” So forgiveness does not mean refusing to put in place loving, appropriate measures to help protect a person from the temptation of re-offending. In fact, since you know the person has a weakness in a particular area, you have an obligation to do whatever is appropriate to reduce his/her exposure to such temptations, as well as to protect other people from threats the person might pose.   I am not at all suggesting intentionally stirring up anger – and I am certainly not implying that it is good to remain there – but do not be horrified if you find yourself feeling anger. It might actually be a step forward on your healing adventure. Like feeling returning to a paralyzed limb, it might signal the end of emotional numbness. Or it might mean you are finally beginning an honest assessment of the magnitude of the offense, thus opening the way to full forgiveness with all its associated emotional and spiritual benefits.   For real forgiveness you cannot live in la-la land. It involves courageously grappling with reality. When you have fully forgiven, anger will turn to peace, but anger could be an essential stage of the journey. To completely stop yourself from ever feeling anger could have the unintended effect of stopping yourself from fully forgiving.       For Much More Help with Forgiveness:     Sweet revenge! The Execution of Justice.   Lord, Make Him Regret What He Did to Me!   Have Forgiven But Not Healed? When “Forgiveness” Does  Not  Bring Healing   Christians & Raw Emotions: Hate & Anger at Injustice.  Do offenders  really  get away with it?   Who to Blame? Serious, Do-It-Yourself Healing   To Forgive is Divine   Forgive Us Our Sins As we forgive   Where was God when you suffered unspeakable horrors?   Handling Guilt

Blasphemous Thoughts Against the Holy Spirit Brought Me Closer to God   A Testimony of Hope   About this page:   Brandon wrote the following in response to the webpages on this site. In accordance with my policy, this testimony is shared only with his permission.   Grantley Morris Founder of Netburst.net and ghostwriter of this webpage   The Testimony   I’ve been a Christian since I was about 4 and am now 16. My faith had been slightly wishy-washy until a few months ago. Then, out of the blue, Satan suddenly unleashed a howitzer of blasphemous thoughts at me against the Holy Spirit and also against Jesus and God the Father. I panicked and almost had to change my pants, so I got home from school and found your website. It brought me peace and understanding of the situation.   I thank the Holy Spirit for using my guilt over the thoughts Satan gave me, to bring me closer to Jesus. Your website was a God send, and the reason I am the passionate Christian I am today. Despite that fact that even now the blasphemous thoughts return, I am closer to God than I’ve ever been.   Thanks for the very amazing website information you have.   Wrap Up   We serve an amazing God who lovingly weaves together for good  all things  – even unwanted thoughts that shake us to the core – for those who love him (Romans 8:28). Brandon will continue to suffer attacks. Not even the holy Son of God, who was tempted in all ways as we are, could avoid being attacked by satanic thoughts such as bowing down and worshiping Satan (Matthew 4:9). We are told, nevertheless, to rejoice in trials (Romans 5:3-5; James 1:2-3) because they make us spiritually strong as surely as regular workouts in a gym will make us physically strong.   There’s so Much More! Like a dentist emphasizing the importance of daily flossing and brushing, I must stress the importance of daily reading of these webpages for people plagued by spiritual worries. Your reading should include  Scrupulosity: Help When Worried about Salvation, Blasphemous Thoughts or Continual Guilt Feelings  and all the pages it leads to. For theological and biblical help with these matters see all the pages listed at  Condemned? How to Cope When Riddled with Guilt . And for reassurance of God’s love for you, see  How Much does God Love Me?   The next testimony describes a mammoth battle with feeling unforgivable. It will inspire many.   Next Testimony: My Battle to Stop Intrusive Thoughts

My Deepest Secret   A Testimony About the Unforgivable Sin   For years tormented by blasphemous thoughts and feeling unforgivable   By Christy     I am now twenty-one and I have struggled since the age of twelve with a mind filled with words of blasphemy against the Holy Spirit and the fear that I was guilty of the unpardonable sin.   I was saved at the age of five. When I was twelve I read the Scripture about the unforgivable sin. From then on I started having curse words in my head towards the Holy Spirit. Despite doing my best to reject the thoughts, I could not get rid of them. I was too embarrassed and afraid to tell anyone about my mental torture. I thought everyone would disown me and tell me I was going to hell.   As I grew older, the thoughts became even more intense and disgusting against each member of the Holy Trinity. So horrible were the thoughts that I have never actually spoken them, other than once confiding some of them to my husband so he could understand and pray for me.   The whole thing pushed me into a deep depression most of my teen years. As a result, I dropped out of high school twice and partied a lot. By seventeen I rededicated my life to Christ, but I always thought that I was somehow not really saved because of the unforgivable sin of blasphemy against the Holy Spirit. What particularly bothered me is that some of those things in my head I had said  in anger  towards the Holy Spirit. I think the bad thoughts sometimes were the devil but sometimes they were my flesh.   I dated the same guy since I was fourteen and married him at nineteen. He was the only person I trusted on earth and told about my problem. He would always try to reassure me that I had not lost my salvation. We had only been married for six months when my husband joined the army. When he finished his basic training I was so excited that we were finally able to be together. Nevertheless, I soon fell into severe depression because of my fears about the unforgivable sin. The horrible thoughts that I could not get rid of had returned and worsened. I cried all day and could not eat or get out of bed. Sometimes I would scream at the top of my lungs because the pain of my depression was so severe.   My husband was so concerned he wanted to admit me into hospital. Nevertheless, he stuck with doing all he could to support me and praying over me many times a day. I put Scriptures all over my walls in our apartment and I sought Christian counseling and actively started to research what the unforgivable sin was all about. (I had not tried such research earlier because I was always afraid it would confirm that I had lost my salvation.)   The counseling helped me conquer what had been torturing me all these years. It helped me realize that what Jesus had done on the cross was final. Previously, I had walked around scared of my very mind, because at some unlikely moment a horrible thought would pop into my mind. I would try to get rid of the thoughts by praying and casting them out or reading my Bible but nothing seemed to work. I now think it was because I didn’t realize that Jesus died on the cross, not just for some sins but for  all  sins.   It was very hard for me to understand that the fact that I was looking for forgiveness was proof that I could be forgiven. I just had to realize that God longs to forgive everyone of everything, just as he says in his Word: “. . . whoever comes to me I will never drive away” ( John 6:37). Today, I cannot even explain what it was that kept me from believing God’s promises and  trusting  him, but with much grace, God revealed to me that all my fears were lies of the devil.   It is hard to tell people like me just to get over it and believe that God forgives. That approach never worked with me. For me, the best thing was my husband’s support. It helped me so much to have my husband tell me everyday that I was saved and that I was going to heaven and to pray over me. Even when I asked him if he thought I was going to heaven he still always said, “Yes,” and showed me the Scriptures on my walls. I felt if he could know what I had done and still love me, then surely God, who is so much more loving and forgiving than any human, could also love and forgive me.   To me, God’s great plan of salvation seemed too perfect to be true. That is where I went wrong. God is perfect and because of that he will never leave us or forsake us.   I often used to ask myself, “Why would God ever want such a bad sinner as me in heaven with him?” At last I know that that’s the wonderful beauty of it: he really wants us no matter what. That’s why he died a horrible death – so we could be with him in paradise forever. Isn’t that wonderful!   God has worked me through so many things. He restores everything that we have lost, and the Lord is doing that on a daily basis for me. He has given me a son who is five months old and allowed me to handle my husband being in Iraq  without  depression, which is a huge testimony for me.   I felt better after my counseling but the disturbing thing was that I could never find information about the unpardonable sin.   Never have I heard anyone preach on the subject, nor have I found any books about it. It was tempting to wrongly assume that if Christians do not talk about the unforgivable sin, it must mean that if you did anything remotely close to it, then you were such a goner that there is no point trying to warn or help such a person.   So I was thrilled to find your wonderful website. I was on the Internet, not even looking for anything related to this subject and could not believe I had found it. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. It has confirmed many things for me.   No one knew of my secret for years. But now I know that the Lord is a wonderful God who forgives me for anything as long as I come to him. It didn’t happen over night. It took years of prayer and I am still healing. I still get thoughts every now and again but I am better able to take hold of them and cast them out because I now have a spiritual understanding of what Christ did for me and now know that I am secure in my salvation. I know God could have delivered me instantly, but an instant deliverance wasn’t in his plan for me. I look back over my life and realize that my struggles were all in God’s plan to bring me to where I am today.   Healed by God,   Christy   All the Help You Need To keep worrying that God is displeased with you or cannot forgive you is like worrying that God might die. Nevertheless, anyone hounded by such worries both needs and deserves an enormous amount of support. It’s all here for you, provided free so that you have no excuse, but to access it all, you will have to read it all, and for daily support you will need to return every day to read it.   Next Testimony: Blasphemous Thoughts Against the Holy Spirit Brought Me Closer to God

God’s Extreme Grace   The Christian Who Kept Doing All he Could To Force God to Reject Him     Hope When You Feel Unforgivable   About this page:   This testimony is extreme. Few people will understand why Jake has acted the way he has. This is because few people have suffered like him or have had the required depth of counseling experience.   So although I understand, I don’t expect many readers to grasp  why  Jake has behaved like he has in his Christian walk, but I do expect you to be moved by the proof of God’s love revealed in this testimony.   I share Jake’s story not because of how much God loves  Jake , (as if to insult God by implying he could love Jake more than you) but I share it because this testimony features the God who likewise loves you with all that he has.   Unlike fairy tales, real people have highs and lows. Real people make great progress and then slip back again. Casual observers cannot understand why, for instance, many former addicts, after enjoying freedom and victory, fall back into their old bondage. What observers could only know if they were inside a former addicts’ skin is the wearying craving for former highs. In the case of abuse survivors like Jake, it is the lingering, nagging doubts about God’s love, the intense fear that God will reject them as so many others have, and the continual, draining inner fights against feeling depraved and unlovable. Like the continual dripping of Chinese water torture; like termites continually gnawing away at a building’s support beams, the accumulative affect of the Deceiver’s malicious whisperings is an enormous challenge to one’s faith. That doesn’t mean we are forced to give in, but it explains why those who have been deeply hurt typically fall, over and over again, and why God keeps forgiving and forgiving.   Jake is in his forties. I have been in contact with him, an average of several times a week, for over a year. During that time, I have gained a deep respect for Jake’s walk with God, even though throughout that time he has had regular battles like that described below.   Although Jake’s behavior has been unusual, I know from extensive experience with people who are guilt ridden that they need exceptional testimonies because they are inevitably tempted to think that they are the worst sinners on the planet and that virtually everyone is forgivable but them.   Grantley Morris Founder of Netburst.net and ghostwriter of this webpage     The Testimony   My father violently killed my eldest sister when she was a baby. The details were covered up and my mother stayed with him, so they were free to expend their sexual abuse and sadism on me. I’ll spare you details but you need a little information to understand me.   I can’t be sure how close to being a newborn I was when my mistreatment began, but it was certainly in full swing when I was still a baby. A sister who survived, recalls being ordered to clean my blood and excrement off the walls after one episode. She saw me in the crib and thought I was dead.   An example of my toilet training was being yelled at while having my bodily movements smeared all over me, including in my mouth. Other times my head was forced into the toilet after it was filled with filth. I felt sure they were going to drown me. Many of these experiences were so damaging psychologically that for years I suppressed the memory. This suppression kept me from understanding why for much of my Christian life I always despised myself and even thought that I stunk to God.   Throughout my most impressionable years and beyond, my parents kept insisting that I deserved the treatment they dished out. This indoctrination from my tenderest years left me so disturbed that during my adult life I would act out such abuse on myself, without understanding why, but feeling that I deserved it.   My parents claimed their abuse was for my own good and was because they loved me. This left me with a deep fear of love – even God’s love. Of course, I knew intellectually that God’s love is perfect and is nothing like what I experienced as a child but, as anyone who fears harmless spiders or snakes can attest, intellectual knowledge does not dispel crippling fear.   By the time I was in my mid teens, I had been sexually abused by my mother and at least eight males. I was addicted to lust of every kind. I was even involved in the occult, asking demons and sexual spirits to have sex with me. I vowed to always be in control and never yield to anyone, not even God.   Nevertheless, at the age of nineteen I had a true encounter with the Lord Jesus and made him my Savior. I had joined the military to learn how to kill people. I would use pages of the Bible as rolling papers for the marijuana joints I smoked. I hated God and I was sure he hated me. I had long since given myself to Satan, thinking that he had power that I wanted. If a Christian would tell me of Jesus I would completely lose it, yelling, cussing, raising my fist and spitting in the air at God. At least once I got within an inch of a Christian’s face and spat on him. The way that Christians did not retaliate made me presume they were wimps.   I joined an army shooting competition. A Christian there was the best soldier I have ever had the pleasure to meet. He was a strong man, and he could run like the wind just like me. I noticed that when he was ridiculed he did not ridicule back, yet it seemed that he was unafraid of anyone who would give him grief. There was a peace about him that seemed to go wherever he went. That is what I craved. He would tell me of Jesus but I just did not get it.   I was posted overseas and while there I read the book of Revelation from the Gideon’s Bible. For months I was fearful least I die and go to hell. I could find no one to tell me of Jesus.   One day I took a turn way too fast on a slick, muddy road. The trailer jackknifed and my jeep started spinning. I was careering towards a three hundred foot drop. “God help me!” I cried, with real meaning for the first time in my life. Suddenly, in defiance of the laws of physics, the jeep began spinning in the opposite direction. I emerged without a scratch, convinced that there is a God who cares. Some unseen force had to have reversed the motion of that vehicle.   After that I had a dream. I was being shot at by snipers and my aunt pulled up in a car and said; “Get in and get saved.” Afterwards, I phoned my aunt and found that she had been praying for my salvation. She asked me to take leave and come home. I flew in and sat with her pastor while he explained the Gospel. In my boot was a survival knife and I was about to use it on him. Something restrained me. I flew back to my base, thinking I must be saved because I now believed there was a Jesus Christ who died on the cross and rose from the dead to pay for my sins. I presumed I was going to heaven but I could not figure out why my life did not change. I hated my life and I hated my sin. I was in despair and could not stop taking drugs. Even worse, I could not change my heart nor the pain that seemed so deep and the reasons for it were still unknown to me due to so many suppressed memories.   The Christian that had been on the shooting team with me was assigned to my unit. He invited me to church, where he gave his testimony. When I returned to my barracks that night I fell on my knees and cried out to Jesus to come into my heart. No one needed to tell me about the need to repent. My sin weighed heavy on my heart. It was as if I could feel the fires of hell rising up into my very soul, scorching my heart. I wept bitter tears, asking Jesus over and over to be my Lord and Savior. Finally I heard the Spirit of God say that asking once was enough.   I got up from my knees, climbed into bed, and had the best sleep of my life. I arose in the morning to find that the black cloud that had followed me all the days of my life was gone. During formation that morning my fellow soldiers could see the joy on my face and asked me what had happened. I told them that last night I got saved and my sins were forgiven.   I could not get enough of God’s Word. I devoured it as a famished man. I lost most of my friends. No one wanted to hang with me. I would always speak of the cross of Christ and share the gospel whenever possible. On Sunday mornings when we were on maneuvers some of the troops would come and get me to preach to them. At first this really frightened me until I found that every time I stood to speak, the Holy Spirit would just empower me to preach the story of Jesus.   Once I addressed a gathering of over two hundred soldiers. I had no training, nor did I have great knowledge, but such was my passion for my Jesus that I could not hold it in. The words would burn as a fire in my heart. My whole life changed drastically. No longer was I a druggie, nor did I even desire drugs. I would spend wonderful times in the Word and prayer, sometimes four hours a day or more.   A carefully edited version of my testimony would be impressive, but though it shames me, every Christian who feels beyond forgiveness needs to know the side of me that only God sees. The contrast is almost unbelievable. So damaging was my childhood suffering that even after I was well and truly saved I still had bouts of screaming at God to leave me alone. Could he not see that I was useless, no good, and stunk? Never having experienced anything different, I was hounded by the deep feeling that God had to be like my former abusers. The scars were so deep and the haunting memories so strong that they kept overpowering any attempt at logic and filling me with the expectation that God would end up acting like my many abusers.   Having been molested by my mother in my infancy was particularly damaging because I remained haunted by the memory of hating the abuse and yet simultaneously being afflicted with physical pleasure as it occurred. For most of my adult life I did not understand that feeling physical pleasure under such circumstances is like hating being tickled and yet uncontrollably laughing. Not realizing that it was a physical reaction, not an indicator of morality, the memory of having felt pleasure – and even the memory bringing me a mixture of revulsion and sexual excitement – kept making me fear that I was unforgivably perverse. But my mistake ran deeper still: I had failed to grasp that Jesus had died for the forgiveness of  all  sin, no matter how deliberate or perverse or repeated.   Despite growing in Bible knowledge and having wonderful times with God, the wounds of my childhood suffering kept making me feel as if God were setting me up for the most painful of experiences – me falling deeply in love with him and then him rejecting me.   In fact, it seemed to me so certain that God would end up rejecting me – acting just like those in my childhood who claimed to love me – that I often found myself hell-bent on proving to God that he could not possibly love me. Feeling convinced that it was what I deserved, I would actually ask the devil to possess me and tell him to rape me and use me as a whore. And yes, I did this countless times after I was definitely born again.   For my whole life I have craved genuine, pure, tender, intimate love. Yet very often when God presented it in undeniable ways, I would run from it and strike out at him. I would tell God to kill me, because I was just too ugly and dirty. I would cuss and swear at him in anger because he kept saying he loved me.   The fear of God’s rejection and the feeling that rejection was inevitable were so intense that in between beautiful times with God I kept having countless times of doing everything I could to end the agony of never knowing when the rejection would occur. To me, the obvious way to stop prolonging the agony was to bring on that “inevitable” rejection that very instant.   I told God to leave and Satan to be my father because that is what I deserved. I told Jesus that I renounce him and the cross. I often felt as if I had gone too far into sin to ever be restored – back into the occult that I was once delivered from. Yet my Savior refused to hate me but still kept on wooing me.   I was filled with bitterness toward myself for enjoying my mother’s touch when she had sexually abused me as a child. What a torment it is, even now at times. I would hear screaming in my head directed at me, “You whore! Look at your mother! How can God help you?” Feeling repulsively filthy, I would yet again run from Jesus, clenching my fist at him and daring/commanding him to strike me dead as I would cuss at him. I would wake in the middle of the night hitting myself, thinking and feeling that I needed to be punished. I felt sure I was the scum of the earth.   “You’re a liar!” I told God in response to his claims to love me. “You cannot possibly love me and I will prove it to you!” I would cover myself with bodily filth to show God how disgusting I was. I would plunge into porn and masturbation. I would again call demons my father and ask them to punish me. Such was my compulsion to prove to God that he could not possibly love me.   Then I would again come to my senses and repent. And to my astonishment, God always accepted me back. I told him that I do not understand why he has not killed me with the things I have done.   I had always thought that if I had let God get too close to me that he would use and hurt me. He never did.   Special Revelation   My wife used to say at times that the Lord had spoken to her. I would reply that God does not and cannot speak to anyone except by his Word. I would claim that visions, dreams and such were most likely from the enemy. I had thought I had heard the Lord speak to me during my earliest Christian years but I had since accepted the teaching of my church that this was impossible. I never considered that if the devil could speak lies to us using the method that God did in Bible times, why could the Almighty and All-knowing God no longer speak truth to us this way?   A turning point came one day when I was about to touch something and I felt the Lord telling me not to. Investigation revealed that hidden inside was a black widow spider.   After initially being exceptionally cautious, I now find that God speaks to me often.   Every time I have heard from him it has always come with Scripture to back it up, just to assure me that it is God who is really speaking to me. Whenever I hear his voice and or see a vision or dream, I always ask, “Who is Jesus Christ?” The response has always been, “Jesus Christ is Lord.”   I always question where the divine encounter is leading me. Is it leading me to a deeper relationship with the one true God or away? Is it leading me to live more holy and pure? Does it line up with God’s Word, and has it come with God’s Word? Then I check myself to ensure that my desire is not to chase after exotic experiences but to run after the living God and have a closer relationship with him. Sometimes the Lord has graciously provided powerful confirmation that I am truly hearing from him. For example, when I was recently ministering to a distressed friend, the Lord gave me a vision about her. To her amazed joy, what I saw was identical to a vision about herself that she had received more than twenty years ago. Not surprisingly, she was profoundly encouraged.   Once I wrote in my journal:   There is bitterness and rebellion in my heart that keeps me from you. Jesus, I will expectantly wait for you to bring me spiritual and emotional healing.   That night, or the very next, I do not recall which, something happened. I know not if it were a dream or a vision. What I do know is that it was real. I was a child and God was holding me and loving me in a very clean, pure, innocent way. I had never experienced that type of love in my life. How it dispelled fear and pain, and brought an overwhelming sense of joy!   Afterwards, I wrote in my journal:   Thank you for your gentleness with me. When I rebelled and struck out at you there was no retaliation. When I kicked at you there was no strike back.   Through such experiences I learned to see God as the Daddy I have always craved but never found in a human.   I now believe that God probably wept whenever I acted out. I think it was not because of the pain I inflicted on him that he wept, but for me and the injuries I have kept inflicting on myself. What love!   Yet my bouts of resisting his love continued. I punished myself, not to try to gain favor with God, but because at times I would feel his love and want to cry and punish myself to prove to him that I am unlovable and unlovely.   Once I had a terrible flashback from my childhood of bodily filth being smeared all over me. I kept asking God in an accusing manner, “Where were you when all this happened?” Then I saw him as the abuse occurred, kneeling beside me, weeping. Later he told me that I was clean and clothed with the righteousness of Christ. I kept arguing with him, “Yes, Daddy, I am wearing the white robe of Jesus’ righteousness but I am getting the inside of the robe dirty from the filth that was put on me, and the filth is bleeding through.”   Soon after, I had another flashback of childhood abuse and when it was over God gave me a vision of himself, the great and perfectly good Daddy, cleaning all of the filth off me with his own hand. It really struck me that in the vision there was no fear of his touch. He was gentler than the tenderest mother. After seeing myself so thoroughly cleansed, I could not argue that I would get the inside of the righteousness robe dirty. Instead, my argument turned to this: “I am clean on the outside but I am still dirty on the inside.”   Before long, I had another vision of Daddy with his own hands wrapping my body and limbs with clean pure linen cloth that had been dipped in the blood of Christ. I felt this righteousness seep into every cell of my being, and he assured me that even the tiniest part of every cell had been wiped completely clean – not just the outside but right to the inside of the smallest parts of every cell, even the parts so tiny that science does not know of.   Then Daddy wrapped me in a large, clean and pure baby blanket, as an infant is wrapped up tight to make it feel safe and warm. He held me to his chest, smiling down on me, quieting me with his love. It seemed as if he was actually counting all the hairs of my head and studying my face and cooing.   I wish I could say that all these wonderful experiences with God have stopped me from ever again treating God so vilely. There have still been times when I have slipped, but God has never stopped loving me. Maybe this is because he would rather set us on high as a trophy of his love and grace than tear us down.   I am crying now for joy and love as I write this. His eyes are full of compassion and love. His arms desire to build up, not tear down. His desire is to see me grow into a man that he can be so proud of. His love is soft. This is not to be confused with weakness, for in his softness and tenderness is great strength. He can hold me in his arms so that I have no need to fear falling. I so much need him to hold me in this holy way.   Yet so often when I have been close to him and felt his comfort, I have been afraid it will turn to pain and rejection. It truly amazes me that his desire is to delight in me as I delight in him. I never had anyone want to delight in me. Nor have I ever had anyone look at me with such eyes of love.   “Why is God so gentle to me?” I have often asked. I’ve been so very angry with myself. Even the reader’s patience with me would have folded years ago at the way I kept reverting to atrocious behavior but God’s patience has kept going.   If only I could say all the countless manifestations I’ve received of God’s enormous patience ended my shameful outbursts against God, but they didn’t. It’s as if I am two persons: one that can accept God’s love and forgiveness, and one that cannot. I’m embarrassed to admit that I have kept flip-flopping from one to the other, over and over and over throughout more than twenty years of walking with God.   As the disciples doubted even after witnessing so many miracles, so when new painful flashbacks come, I still doubt. It blows me away that even if I doubt, he is still so patient with me. Despite the doubts, however, I am able to remind myself of the truth. Gradually, I have come to the point of rarely arguing with Daddy that I am unclean. I just tell him that I  feel  a certain way, not that I  am  that way.   Once I yelled out to God that I forgive my mother. The Lord knew I meant it. I had traveled the painful forgiveness road many a time. But this time he asked something else: would I forgive myself for all my real and imaginary guilt?   My decades-long struggle has not been in getting God to forgive me, but in me forgiving myself.   Through all my struggles, Jesus has been visiting me as the tender Daddy that I never had as a child. He has also nurtured me – and continues to – as the most loving and perfect of mothers. At no time and in no way has he ever condemned me. “It is God who justifies. Who is he that condemns?” the Word says (Romans 8:33-34).   A couple of years ago I gave Jesus permission to come into every dark area of my heart and open it up so that I could be entirely his. I asked him to go into all the rooms that I have locked away, thinking that he did not see. Nothing was a shock to him. As Jesus began opening the doors to my heart, new memories came that were previously unknown to me. It says in the gospels that Jesus had no need for anyone to tell him what was in people’s hearts, for he knew. Likewise, he knew what was in my heart: pain beyond what even I had realized, and a great sense of shame.   His Word says Jesus has come to heal the broken hearted and bind up all their wounds. I have found this to be true. One of Jesus’ names is Wonderful Counselor. The Holy Spirit is also called Counselor or Helper. His counsel is true and right. He has never failed. He is still in the process of counseling me. He daily walks with me.   I deeply regret the way I have treated my Lord. I have no desire to abuse his magnificent grace. For most of my life I never thought that a man could be a man and be pure or desire pureness, holiness and beauty. It is now coming to me. It is a thing to be attained that is more desired than gold or any false pleasure that this world could offer.   With Grantley’s support, the Lord is showing me the hidden causes of my puzzling behavior. At last, I’m healing from the psychological damage inflicted on me from babyhood right through to my late teens. I have shared my testimony, however, not because I think many will be able to identify with my affliction, but because I hope it will help everyone who is repentant and yet still feels beyond Jesus’ forgiveness to see through those deceptive feelings to the tender heart of God and the forgiving power of the cross. I’ve kept repenting and God’s kept forgiving, through the power of Christ’s sacrifice. He’ll do the same for you.   Making Sense of This   – By Grantley   Our neighbor’s grass always seems greener than ours. One of life’s illusions is that everyone else seems more favored by God than us. Few of us would envy Jake’s upbringing but, like me, most of us have had nothing remotely like the powerful experiences with God that Jake has had. His testimony, however, confirms what we see over and over in the Bible: people doubting after witnessing tremendous miracles. Clearly, special experiences with God are not nearly as effective in building faith as we might suppose. Spiritual highs quickly evaporate. Personal miracles just make us more accountable; they don’t lower anyone’s need to hold on in bare faith when tough times come. Despite our temptation to think otherwise, every Christian’s profound need is not for signs but for sheer faith.   After reading Jake’s testimony, someone battling guilt feelings wrote to me:   Some time ago, God speaking through you gave me real hope and changed my life. I am not saying I don’t still struggle at times with feeling false guilt over things Christ has cleansed me of, but God is now very tangible to me and I understand that he is with me  no matter what  I am going through.   I have discovered that true healing and progress comes from simple, raw faith – the kind of white knuckle faith you must hold on to no matter what. This is the true blessing: keeping faith, no matter what.   Just as Scripture records miracles, not merely for the benefit of those who witnessed them, but for  our  sake, so we benefit from Jake’s encounters with his (and our) Daddy. Even though Scripture’s affirmations alone should suffice, Jake’s intimate experiences with God confirm to us that despite all Jake’s bouts of defiance against his Savior, he is truly forgiven. And that same God – the God who declares that he is no respecter of persons – will keep forgiving you, if you keep maintaining a repentant attitude and keep putting your faith in Christ’s power to forgive.   You Need More To be haunted by guilt feelings, spiritual worries and repulsive thoughts is like trying to drive safely through traffic in the midst of continual distractions. This website has the vast number of webpages you need in order to stay focused. Read them daily. Next Testimony: My Deepest Secret:Tormented by Blasphemous Thoughts

Inspiring Testimonies   They Thought They Were Unforgivable   Christians who found forgiveness after being sure they had blasphemed the Holy Spirit and committed the unpardonable sin       1 Corinthians 10:13 [No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it.]   sets in black and white God’s iron clad commitment to ensuring that no matter how severe the temptation, you can escape unharmed. This powerful Scripture begins by declaring that no temptation has gripped you (“seized you” is how the NIV words it) except what is common to humanity. From this I learn that the first line of defense in every spiritual battle is the realization that the temptations raging against you are normal. No matter how weird the temptations seem to you, they are commonplace. Countless thousands of your fellow Christians have suffered, are suffering or will suffer attacks virtually identical to what is currently distressing you.   The Evil One’s terrifying strategy is to divide and conquer. He knows that his slim chance of victory increases if he can make you feel isolated from other Christians – make you feel peculiar or even perverse to suffer the temptations he is putting upon you. His dirty trick is to try to make you feel guilty or abnormal because of thoughts plaguing your mind that do not even come from you but are actually  his  words or images fired into your head. He is particularly delighted if he can con you into feeling too ashamed about this common situation to seek from fellow sufferers the comfort and support you deserve.   A woman, whose story you will read later, told me how she was mentally tortured by blasphemous thoughts she did not want. “I was too embarrassed and afraid to tell anyone,” she said, “as I thought everyone would disown me and tell me I was going to hell.”   Having counseled many victims of child abuse, those words sound extremely familiar. They remind me so much of the way sexually abused children are conned into feeling, and the false shame and guilt that keeps them from seeking help and being rescued. Then I remembered one of my favorite sayings that temptation is spiritual rape. Truly our spiritual enemy is the Evil One! How dare he torment us and then do his utmost to fill us with false shame and feelings of hopelessness to try to keep us from receiving the love and comfort from other Christians that we deserve!   There are Christians who feel that God has rejected them and mistakenly suppose that their Lord will probably spurn them for all of eternity and yet, despite it all, these amazing men and women of God continue to do their best to serve the Lord. Most Christians can only gasp in awe that anyone feeling this way would continue with God. I am convinced that such people will be exalted forever as heaven’s heroes.   I’m not surprised, however, when people who feel that God will never forgive them have bouts of anger and bitterness towards God. Their anger is not really at God, but at a non-existent being – a cold, unforgiving ogre whom the Deceiver tries to portray as God.   To help you realize that you are in excellent company as you battle fears that you are unforgivable, I want to share some testimonies with you. These testimonies will both inspire you and assure you that you are not alone. The cherished data banks in heaven’s hall of fame are crammed with testimonies like these:   First Testimony: I found forgiveness despite many reasons for being certain I had blasphemed the Holy Spirit

CHAPTER 2 If you have serious doubts about Christianity, INTRODUCTION Some Bible scholars find the Scriptural evidence for angelic music less than compelling. We are indeed exploring the very frontiers of revealed knowledge. That’s what makes this chapter important. We will examine the realm of human experience to see how it conforms to some of the Biblical expositions given in chapters one and three. Down through history there have been innumerable reports from reliable Christian witnesses of angelic visitations. A number of these are particularly relevant to musicians. Though this subject seems bizarre, reports are too numerous and the implications too profound to be ignored in a serious work on the Christian view of music. Our final authority is Scripture alone. Yet few would deny that testimonies of conversions can help our dull minds see with greater clarity what Scripture means by being born again. Similarly, Christian testimony may help sharpen the image of music drawn from our Biblical research. Even if the phenomena described were a mere trick of the human mind (and I don’t believe they are), they could still be indirect evidence for the existence of music in the next world. The possibility of such music seems so strongly stamped upon the human psyche as to invite the conclusion that it was placed there by the One who made us. If so, I cannot imagine God placing within us expectations that will never be satisfied. The conviction that heaven is a place of music has practical implications. Our beliefs remarkably influence our music. John Cage’s belief that the entire world is the product of nothing but chance caused his music to degenerate into literally random sounds. As another example, consider a musician whose general attitude to life is that what’s new is best. Such a person will almost inevitably produce quite different music to someone who believes in ‘the good old days’. Likewise, a Christian’s belief in heavenly music is likely to affect his or her musical composition. In fact, heavenly strains have apparently directly influenced some Christian music (Examples are given in Chapter 10) The material presented in this chapter has the potential to increase our faith in the possibility of receiving heavenly inspiration or heavenly interaction with our music. The result could transport our music from the mediocre to the miraculous. In addition, this survey should strengthen our conviction that music is very much more than a temporal amusement. The more we grasp the full significance of music, the higher will be our motivation to bestow upon it the prayerful dedication it deserves. I have agonized over this chapter. I feel a responsibility to take on this expedition Christians with totally opposed views of the supernatural. Some will find it the most thrilling part of the book. Others, especially those who need it the most, may initially have a very different reaction. I ask no-one to compromise his or her convictions. If you feel the urge to burn me at the stake, I simply ask for a fair trial – and a rainy day. Hopefully, as you read further, your fears will prove unfounded. If the atmosphere becomes too rarefied, temporarily abort this part of the mission and go to the security of regions more thoroughly charted by Scripture. This you will find in subsequent chapters, especially chapter four. Alternatively, if you have no qualms about this subject, I ask your patience with those who require what may seem superfluous explanations. Though this chapter meanders through background information to help you better evaluate the authenticity of each report, don’t lose sight of the goal: to expand our knowledge of music beyond planet earth to better equip us to view music from God’s glorious perspective, and then to allow this fresh vision to impact your life and your music as the Spirit leads. If your faith in the reality of heavenly music increases by a fraction of a mustard seed, it will be more than worth it. If, moreover, your understanding of the nature of heavenly music increases, it is priceless. And if heaven’s music begins to influence your own music. . . . Words fail. INDIA I sat enthralled as a humble Indian man addressed a large congregation in Adelaide, South Australia. Rev. Larno Longchar was describing an amazing revival sweeping the length and breadth of his home state of Nagaland. His local church alone now had 15,000 members. Four times in one year its building had to be extended to accommodate those who were being saved. The ‘outpouring’ began in 1976 after the ‘Baptist’ churches in Nagaland had kept their pledge to pray for revival. Their twenty-four-hour-a-day prayer chain had continued unbroken for an entire year. As a direct result of the revival, the state’s smoking, drinking, cinema attendance, divorce and suicide rates all dramatically fell. A flabbergasted magistrate reported that in six months only one criminal case had appeared before his city’s courts. Repentance was so widespread and genuine that precautions like locking houses became quite unnecessary. Former Hindus and head-hunters joined the ranks of fervent Christians confessing their sins and praying for hours at a time. I could detect no boasting in Rev. Longchar’s address. He spoke of himself surprisingly little. A major recurring theme was that there was nothing unique about his state’s experience. He insisted that we could have the same type of revival. The following is a slightly condensed transcript of part of the message I heard on March 8, 1981 (used by permission). The incident described would have occurred no more than five years previous. Rev. Longchar told us: In one of the district capitals, near Burma, we had [a] revival meeting for four days. There were 35,000 people in a crusade. One of our friends was preaching. God used him in a very wonderful way that morning. About 10,000 people rushed to the pulpit to confess their sins – to acknowledge the lordship of Jesus Christ in their hearts. There was a deep confession of sin going on. We were helping the people – about five hundred of us – as counsellors. When we were praying, we heard a sound of angels singing – a huge group of people singing in the sky above. [It was a] very lovely song: Jesus is coming soon: Troublous times, Jesus is coming soon. Repent, repent, repent. [My comment: If you think this prophecy to be premature, I don’t know what you will make of Revelation 22:20.] It was so lovely. For ten minutes the angels continued to sing. We didn’t see them, but we heard the sound. Oh, it was so wonderful! One of my friends took his tape recorder and recorded this song. Our people love to sing that song – all over Nagaland today. They receive much blessing through singing it.’ Rev. Longchar’s description of the angelic singing as ‘so lovely’ should not be taken lightly. After visiting Nagaland, Pastor Des Short, of New Zealand, described the Naga people as ‘exceptionally musical.’ He claimed that, in marked contrast to western people, the majority of Naga people are born with perfect pitch. Even children at play sing in four-part harmony. WALES Commencing at Beddgelert in 1817, a powerful move of God resulted in the salvation of multiplied thousands of Welsh people. From the midst of this move comes a report of people transfixed by what seemed to be massed heavenly choirs in the air singing songs of praise. Decades later, (1851-2) in a small Montgomeryshire village, angelic singing signaled the commencement of a local Welsh revival. It was heard by a few disheartened Christians leaving their church after a seemingly fruitless week-long series of prayer meetings for revival. The ‘indistinct’ (Because it was in an angelic language?) but melodious sounds seemed to come from high above the church they had just left. Next day, they discovered that many others in the district had heard the same beautiful music. Some had even gone outside to hear it and concluded it must be angelic. No other explanation was ever found. Soon hundreds were flocking to the churches and experiencing the prayed-for outpouring of the Spirit. FRANCE A remarkable parallel occurred across the English Channel, nearly two centuries earlier. A revival in ‘the valleys of Dauphiny,’ amongst Protestants in late Seventeenth Century France, was cited by John Wesley as proof that God acts in a supernatural way. This Cevennes revival was preceded by widespread reports of ‘strange sounds in the air: the sound of a trumpet and a harmony of voices.’ And in Orthès it was said that in every house resided at least one person who had heard heavenly music. CONGREGATIONAL WORSHIP Angels are moved by human activities. They long to see persecuted saints avenged ( Revelation 16:5-6 ; 18:20-21 , 24 ). They serve us, ( Hebrews 1:14 ) responding to our physical needs (eg, 1 Kings 19:5-6 ) and our prayers (e.g. Daniel 10:12 ). They protect us from danger (e.g. 2 Kings 6.16-17 Psalm 34:7 , Acts 12:6 ff) even in situations requiring almost instantaneous reaction (e.g. Psalm 91:11-12 ; Daniel 6:22 ). Scripture leaves us in no doubt that our actions greatly influence heavenly beings. Paul even urged women to cover their heads ‘because of the angels’ ( 1 Corinthians 11:10 , cf Ephesians 3:10 ). Moreover, terrestrial events and celestial music are frequently intertwined. If angels rejoice over the salvation of the lost, ( Luke 15:7 , 10 ) it is hard to imagine such sophisticated beings celebrating without music (cf Luke 15:23-25 ). The angelic Christmas carol heard by startled shepherds focused upon earthly events ( Luke 2:10-14 ). Note also the earth-centered lyrics of the song of heavenly beings in Revelation 5:9-10 , praising the Lamb who redeemed people from ‘every tribe and language and people and nation’ to ‘reign on the earth’. Earth-bound psalmists urged angelic hosts to bless the Lord, (e.g. Psalm 103:20-21 ; 148:2 ) and in Revelation 5:13 we find angels uniting with people in praise that is quite possibly musical. Scripture even speaks of the exalted Son of God singing in our midst, ( Hebrews 2:12 ) and of God the Father singing ‘over’ His people ( Zephaniah 3:17 ). Clearly, heaven’s music often focuses on humans or is a response to human activities. So it seems consistent with Scriptural revelation that many people insist they have heard angels singing above the sound of congregational musical praise. These claims – too numerous too innumerate here – often originate from people whose extensive familiarity with the building and congregation render it unlikely that they could be deceived by acoustics or by the musical ability of the congregation. Taken individually, one may wonder just how objective these reports are. However, their number, consistency and the range of sources, render them difficult to dismiss. These accounts suggest the possibility of our musical praise inspiring heavenly beings to join us in worship. This seems to fit nicely the above-mentioned pieces of the jigsaw Scripture provides. We recognize that our musical praise ascends to heaven. So it is hardly surprising if the reverse sometimes happens, and heaven’s strains reach human ears. And the time when this is most likely to occur is when a whole congregation is focusing upon heaven, engaged in what must be the favorite activity of heavenly beings – musical praise. If these beautiful creatures get excited about our initial coming to the Lord, it must thrill them to see us unitedly pouring out our praises to the One both we and they love so deeply. Surely, at such times, they must long to mingle their song with ours as it ascends to heaven’s Throne. Rev. Colin Urquhart announced the hymn: Wesley’s ‘O for a thousand tongues.’ There certainly weren’t a thousand in the congregation. Encouraging them, the Anglican priest said they were joining heaven’s hosts in praising the Lord. They should ask God to make them conscious of this, he suggested. During the second verse, trumpet-playing was heard. Rev. Urquhart was unmoved. It must be the church trumpeter. As the music continued, however, he discovered the trumpeter was not even present. Moreover, it was not one, but several trumpets melodiously merging with the organ. Others in the congregation heard it too. The organist also had a fascinating story to tell. Inexplicably, the organ trumpet stop had refused to work throughout the hymn. It functioned perfectly before and after. This incident bubbles with stimulating concepts. Perhaps few took it seriously, but the congregation actually prayed for a revelation about heavenly music. I wonder of how many Christians it could be said, ‘You heard not because you asked not’ (cf James 4.2 ) With such things, we expect heaven to take the initiative. But heaven has already taken the initiative, two thousand years ago, when Jesus said, ‘Ask and you shall receive, that your joy may be full’ ( John 16:24 ). Sceptics will say the fact that they prayed for an awareness of an angelic presence proves the phenomenon was due to auto-suggestion. But note that Rev. Urquhart’s mind immediately leapt to a natural explanation. Further, most Christians are preconditioned to expect, if anything, a heavenly choir, not trumpets. Moreover, auto-suggestion would produce individual differences: some would see angels, some hear voices, others hear harps, and so on. Then there’s the mystery of the trumpet stop to explain away. Rev. Urquhart’s description suggests heavenly trumpets are capable of far greater precision than those of Bible times. We must not imagine that just because heaven is described in the Bible, heaven’s ‘technology’ is stuck in the horse-and-chariot era. I think we can all feel rather flattered by the fact that in this instance, heavenly musicians were content to quietly accompany earthly music, rather than dominate the whole event. Truly, such glorious, angelic beings are ‘all ministering spirits, sent forth to minister for them who shall be heirs of salvation’ ( Hebrews 1:14 ). As we leave this incident, we should note that it didn’t occur in just any church service. It was in the midst of a significant revival. Just twenty days into the 1980s Mrs. Rhonda Walters, engaged in short-term ministry in India, attended a church service on the flat roof of a house on the outskirts of Coimbatore, out from Madras. There were no musical instruments. The congregation had only their clapping hands and overflowing hands to embellish their singing. ‘A wave of holiness’ was one of Rhonda’s attempts to describe the Spirit-charged atmosphere as those Indian Christians worshipped their Lord in song. Though words failed her, she was sure of one thing – those Christians had something she had never experienced in her homeland of Australia. With eyes closed, engulfed in wonder and worship, she became conscious of instrumental music. Some of them must have gone home and returned with instruments , she thought. She assumed one instrument was a guitar. She could also hear what might have been a harp and violin. There was no percussion or wind instruments. The music, which had started so softly and unobtrusively in harmony with the singing, began to crescendo. The orchestra of stringed instruments grew louder and louder. Rhonda opened her eyes to see who was playing and to her amazement there was no-one. The music came in waves and finally faded away. The experience shook her, being so contrary to anything she had ever known. It was several weeks before she dared mention it to anyone. When I interviewed Rhonda several years later the experience was still vivid in her mind. I’ve heard of a report that above the sound of congregational worship was once heard the singing of a beautiful male voice. Frank Longino writes of something similar. ‘A few times, I have been in services where we rose to such heights [in worship] that we began to be conscious of a tremendously overwhelming note rising out of the mass of sound; higher than any I’d heard, richer than any I’d experienced.’ (From a magazine article published November 1976. At that time Longino was senior pastor of Valley Community Church in Louisville, Kentucky. He is a graduate of Southern Baptist Theological Seminary in that city.) In both reports the phenomenon was interpreted not as being angelic, but as the singing of the Son of God Himself. What Bible-believer could deny the possibility? We should note, however, that a heavenly musical response to our music need not necessarily be audible to our ears. Just as angels probably intervene in our lives more often than we realize, celestial music and our music might be more interwoven than we imagine. GRACE MURPHY In 1937, Grace Murphy had a fascinating experience: she died. Billy Graham stated that many Christians on the verge of death report hearing heavenly strains. Unfortunately, he does not elucidate. Mrs. Murphy, however, having been raised from the dead, was able to provide us with a fuller account. Medical technology being what it is, an increasing number of people are being revived after clinical death. I am very skeptical of so-called out-of-body experiences sometimes associated with this. Medical studies suggest that whatever this phenomenon is, it cannot be categorized as hallucination or drug-induced. However, Satan goes to considerable lengths to give people a false understanding of life-after-death through such things as séances. I believe non-Christians are wide open for similar deception nearing death. We should be careful, however, not to allow a commendable eagerness to reject Satan’s sludge become so intense that we discard God’s gold as well. Blind faith in the spiritual experiences of non-Christians is foolish. But neither is blind, unthinking rejection of the testimonies of people redeemed by the blood of the Lamb the epitome of wisdom. Reports from committed Christians at a time when they were being earnestly prayed for, are worthy of closer examination, especially when the results seem to be glorifying to God and align with Scriptural revelation. Nevertheless, non-Christians have so distorted and perverted this subject that I can deeply identify with anyone on the verge of converting the following pages into paper darts. For many of us, exposure to non-Christian accounts of life after (clinical) death has either eroded our confidence even in Christian accounts, or has raised doubts as to the reality of hell. It is hard to imagine an experience more deeply branded with the marks of God than Mrs. Murphy’s. The following facts, drawn from her daughter’s book, strongly argue for the authenticity of her amazing claim to have heard music in Paradise. 1. She had definitely been born again. The genuineness of her conversion is clearly confirmed by her daughter’s detailed account. 2. The Lord revealed to Mrs. Murphy that she would suddenly die that very day. So certain was she, that she told her stunned pastor and made funeral arrangements, even though there was no physical indication that death was imminent. She had complete peace about it all. 3. From start to finish, the whole episode was immersed in prayer. The revelation that she would die occurred while she was in prayer. Being a Sunday morning, she was able to attend church twice, share with her pastor and devote more time to the Lord than would otherwise have been possible. She died in the evening, while in prayer with her daughter, Jean. Finally, she came back to life as a result of Jean’s fervent, faith-filled prayer. 4. She was pronounced dead by a registered nurse who would have dearly wanted to detect signs of life. 5. Her doctor, arriving after she had revived, examined the damage done to her body and could not understand how she could have undergone such a major heart-attack without dying. 6. There was no possibility of a drug-induced hallucination. No anesthetic or medication was used. 7. The Lord Jesus predominated in her visit to paradise. He appeared to her just before she died, escorted her to heaven and, in response to Jean’s prayer, led her back to earth again. 8. In her heavenly visit, she met biblical characters whose names she had never heard of before. By consulting a concordance, Jean confirmed that they were godly people mentioned in the Bible. This astounded Jean because she knew her newly converted mother had only recently commenced church attendance and had very limited Bible knowledge. 9. Mrs. Murphy gained the impression that her father was not in Paradise – thus indirectly supporting the Christian conviction that not all of Adam’s descendants will receive eternal life. 10. Orphaned when only three days old, Grace Murphy had no recollection of her mother’s likeness, yet she claimed to have met her in her journey to the next world. Some months later, her mother’s sister gave her a trunk that had been stored away from before Grace’s birth. Sifting through the contents for the first time, Grace instantly spotted her mother in a group photo, saying she was the one she had seen in heaven. Her aunt was stunned. As far as is known, that was the only photograph of her mother ever taken. 11. She had no desire to brag about her peep behind death’s veil. Indeed, she regarded it as too sacred to speak about. She spoke of it once to Jean and gave her permission to share it if she thought it would glorify God, but determined never to personally mention it again. 12. As might be expected if the Lord were in it, Grace fully recovered from her serious illness. Music assumed high priority in her description of Paradise. The whole atmosphere seemed to be music. She described it as sounding something like an orchestra and organ playing together. Pastel colors moved and merged in harmony with the thrilling sounds. It is noteworthy that several times afterward, Mrs. Murphy would become conscious of music that she recognized as being the same as she had heard in her heavenly encounter. Could it be that at times some of us hear such music and dismiss it without realizing its source? After all, we are even now spiritually seated with Christ in the heavenlies ( Ephesians 2:6 ). Perhaps we are more in tune with heaven than most of us dare think.

Help & Support for Both Genders To have been sexually interfered with is more common and the consequences are far deeper and longer lasting than even many victims realize When Boys are Sexually Interfered With (Of Interest to Both Genders) For both genders, being sexually interfered with is highly damaging and, unless dealt with, the damage will last a lifetime, even though with both genders, some innocents initially find the experience as pleasurable as sex is meant to feel, whereas for others it is nothing but terrifying agony. The molesters’ method, not the victims’ morality, creates the difference. This website caters for both genders. Male survivors are mentioned first on this page simply to reassure them that this website is not like the many that overlook them. Pain and confusion are not lowered by being a man but the pressure to agonize in silence is raised alarmingly. There is no distinction: when sexually interfered with, both genders suffer enormously – and usually more than they realize. As unbelievable as it might seem, both female and male survivors suffer in surprisingly similar ways. This means everyone can benefit from all of the links, except for the section on loss of physical evidence of virginity. Only “Minor” Sex Abuse? It is not weakness to still be devastated decades after what you might try to dismiss as “minor” sex abuse. Healing is available, but any sexual abuse wreaks such havoc within our being that there can be no such thing as “minor” sexual abuse. “I had always thought it was my fault!” It is common for people to wrongly be convinced that they were to blame for being molested as a child. The more certain you are that it was your fault, the more you need to read: Incest Under normal circumstances, there is a strong natural bond and trust between family members. And sex is divinely designed to bond two people together in a unique and powerful way. The upshot is that it is highly confusing to have been sexually molested as a child by a loved one; especially if the offender pleasured the child tenderly and claimed that the victim was privileged to have experienced that degree of intimacy. Often, even as adults, survivors of this type of abuse so much long to think highly of that loved one that victims find it astonishingly hard to believe that it ever happened. Even those who realize that it occurred, find it hard to accept that this makes the offender guilty of a horrific crime and that the offender is likely to be a danger to other children. These unresolved issues can play havoc with one’s mind and can even end up endangering one’s own children and grandchildren. For spiritual help in getting one’s head around this, The Dilemma of Feeling Pleasure When Abused So powerful is sex that it is almost inevitable that any sexual encounter – no matter how despised and unwanted – will contain elements of pleasure and deep bonding. In an unwanted encounter, these are highly obnoxious consequences of sex but they are such an integral part of sex that they are almost impossible to completely remove from forced sex. This fact is so rarely understood that sex crime victims usually end up loathing themselves or at least being confused and deeply disturbed over what is just a normal reaction to unwanted sex. Vast numbers of abuse survivors know from bitter experience that pleasure inflicted by a sexual predator can be more damaging than severe physical pain. Some survivors, however, have experiences so different that they find this incomprehensible or even offensive. Experiences differ for the simple reason that abusers differ in their techniques. If predators are sufficiently skilled, the pleasure they inflict will be sexual. Otherwise – in the case of pedophiles – the pleasure their victims feel will be the gifts they bribe children with or the attention they give love-starved children. Rapists can even force unwilling adult victims to experience sexual pleasure. This very pleasure inflicts horrific, but quite unnecessary, pangs of guilt. A degree of pleasure or bonding in no way justifies the offender, nor in any way hints that the victim might be perverted or immoral. The memory of pleasure suffered (yes, “suffered” is the right word) during abuse might currently be suppressed but it could surface at any time. So it is good to prepare oneself by learning about this rarely understood consequence of unwanted sex. Short Video about Sexual Abuse Abuse Recovery Video/Documentary During his childhood, Cory’s grandmother repeatedly abused him sexually and physically. This ten minute video provides a mild account and a brief overview of the healing he eventually found. Our uniqueness means there are sure to be aspects of Cory’s experience that differ from yours. Even so, it could help you feel less alone and encourage you to deepen your healing. If You Suffered Childhood Trauma . . . Although it is not uncommon to live in denial of it, if you suffered trauma as a child, the traumatized part of you could have separated from the adult part of you and need special attention. Understanding this can be critical for healing. A webpage that considers what the person who hurt you deserves. The execution of justice on your behalf. Turn hate into healing. For a moving, enlightening and therapeutic experience that could forever change your life, see: Sweet revenge! For another insightful webpage, see Raw emotions: Hate & anger at the injustice of sex abuse Masturbation: Relieving or Reliving the Past? Former generations commonly called masturbation (solitary sex) self abuse. Never is this term more appropriate than when abuse survivors masturbate. It is tragically common for survivors to find themselves uncontrollably hooked on combining this highly addictive behavior with fantasizing about something related to their abuse. If they don’t directly fantasize about their abuse while masturbating, they imagine someone else being abused or they view porn that is somehow associated with the type of sex their abuser had with them. By doing this, comfort, sexual highs, distasteful experiences and self-loathing all get rolled into one destructive package that is as addictively enslaving as heroin. The last thing anyone needs is to add guilt to the mix, but survivors need to be freed from this because, like nothing else it locks a person into continually reliving one’s past abuse and never moving on. Becoming a Winner! This begins a series of webpages about how to break unwanted habits. Sex addiction It is very common for abuse survivors to suffer sexual craving and even addictions to sexual highs. For understanding and compassionate help see Sex Abuse & Sexual Addiction Survivors Feeling Uncomfortable About God Despite their earnest attempts to think differently, it is tragically common for abuse survivors to feel deep down that God, the One who longs to support and heal them, does not like them or might even be like their abusers. For help with this critical issue, see: Fear of God or Fearing Jesus & Healing Sex Abuse Discovering You Don’t Hate God After All In your pain it was natural for you to lash out at the hideous, unfeeling monster you supposed was God. The God you thought you hated is just a figment of your tormented imagination. It’s time you met the real God – your Healer. Where was God when you suffered unspeakable horrors? Life’s Mysteries Explained Discovering God’s love for you Tragically, so many people bungle through life living shallow, wasted lives. Through Jesus we can leave behind a meaningless life of selfishness headed for endless regret. We can choose a life in which every second counts for all eternity, achieving the highest good in union with the God who made you and loves you more than life itself. Life can be crammed with so many urgent things that we forget the really important ones. Don’t let this wonderful opportunity slip from your grasp. Make life’s most important issue top priority. You Can Find Love: What your fantasies reveal A most significant webpage The key to supernatural healing Why Christ’s suffering can change your life. You are loved When you can’t feel God’s love Release from Blaming Yourself Handling guilt is the first of many helpful and encouraging webpages about overcoming guilt feelings. Overcoming Feelings of Worthlessness To God, you are special Power to Escape the Trap of Bitterness Should you forgive your abuser? This most serious, often misunderstood, issue is carefully examined in two special webpages listed below. It is vital for your healing that you read them. So much hinges on this delicate matter. I am convinced that just as martyrs are especially honored in heaven, so are those who have suffered greatly and yet have forgiven. Forgiving others is tough. It is so critical to our own emotional and spiritual well being that our spiritual enemy strongly attacks us on this issue. Nevertheless, divine help is available. People suffering great difficulty in forgiving others usually have as the basis of their agony the (sometimes subconscious) pain of having great difficulty forgiving themselves. The two sides of forgiveness – forgiving yourself and forgiving others – rise or fall together. Many people raging against someone else’s guilt are pressured by a subconscious urge to keep suppressed the tortured screams of their own conscience. Peace soothes our troubled mind when we dwell on the extent of the forgiveness and purity that we have in Christ. When we realize how much God has forgiven us, it becomes easier to act more Godlike and have that same forgiving attitude toward ourselves and others. For this reason, I recommend beginning with the webpages about handling guilt. Breaking the stranglehold of bitterness: Unforgivable! Lord, make him regret what he did to me! How to Stop Degrading Oneself & Find True Fulfillment Sadly, in a desperate attempt to find the peace and comfort they deserve, abuse survivors often end up resorting to inappropriate sexual highs, not realizing that by so doing they end up wounding themselves over and over, and sabotaging their healing. Sex abuse survivors are often among the countless thousands who find themselves trapped in a cycle of guilt, low self-esteem and some form of degrading sex addition (porn, masturbation, sex fantasy, or whatever). For the thrilling news as to how to be set free, see: Overcoming Destructive Thinking Whether it be the desire to hurt yourself, or to hate yourself, or to hate others, it is a temptation. Becoming a Winner! begins a series of webpages about overcoming temptation. Follow the links.

A Second Look at Conjugal Rights Help for Christian Couples When God gave marrieds the gift of sex, he was not handing them a toy. He was entrusting them with nitroglycerin that even within marriage must be handled with holy fear. There are occasions in any woman’s life when marital relations will be painful, frightening, or humiliating. Examples are when a woman has not yet physically healed from illness or childbirth, when she fears intercourse would harm her unborn baby, or when she believes there is a significant risk of a third party invading her privacy. Note that the issue is reality as she perceives it, not as her partner sees it. For women who have suffered sexual abuse, the time that their husbands must restrain themselves will be prolonged. Anyone foolish enough to marry without seriously seeking God’s guidance will have to live with the consequences. Any man, however, to whom God deliberately entrusts a woman who has suffered sexual abuse, is greatly honored. He is like someone into whose care is entrusted an ever-so-delicate, priceless masterpiece, compared to someone who is given an imitation made of unbreakable plastic. One man is treated like someone highly responsible; the other might as well be childishly incompetent in matters of true love. To force sex upon a marriage partner who finds the experience distressing is to take what is divinely intended to be lovemaking and pervert it into sexual abuse. It is sexual abuse, both because it is an abuse of sex and because it is the sexual abuse of the partner. The fact that the abuser is married to the victim makes it no more acceptable than murder becomes acceptable if the murderer is married to his victim. Whether one uses physical force or emotional blackmail – anger, sulking, whining, threatened divorce, etc – makes little moral difference. When marital relations becomes the infliction of significant physical or emotional discomfort, a husband who demands his wife submit to it, has no more right to think God is on his side than a man who tells his daughter she must obey her father when he demands she commit incest with him. If roles were reversed, it would be equally wrong for the wife to attempt spiritual or emotional manipulation to try to force intercourse. Scripture is clear: marriage is divinely designed to give a man the sacred opportunity to be Christlike; sacrificing his life for the woman Christ sacrificed his life for (Ephesians 5:25). Anyone knowingly using sex to inflict physical or emotional pain on his wife has perverted what was intended as an opportunity to be Christlike into an opportunity to be devil-like. My heart goes out to any man whose wife is unable to meet his physical desires. For such a person to do the right thing by his wife will often be sheer agony, but that’s what being Christlike is all about. There was nothing painless about Jesus’ sacrificial death. One man – I’ll call him Ian – tried to tell me that the accumulation of his many years of sexual torment was far worse than what Christ suffered for our sins. I disagree, but Ian’s agony was undeniably intense. However, in contrast to Jesus’ innocence, quite a portion of Ian’s torment was of Ian’s own making. Ian could have continually sought to be filled with the Spirit’s supernatural kindness, gentleness, patience, goodness and self-control, thus empowering him to lay down his life for his wife and be used of God to assist her recovery. Instead, he used porn to inflame his desires and he enslaved himself to sex, letting it drive him to put his wife under horrific emotional pressure – including repeatedly threatening her with divorce or complete marital unfaithfulness if she didn’t comply. By so doing he foolishly made her even more traumatized by sex and so less able to satisfy him. Like all sin, seizing short term pleasure led to his long term loss. Had I swapped places with Ian, my attempts to be Christlike would be shabby, and in my agony, I, too, would have sometimes added to her distress. Nevertheless, we must acknowledge a husband’s duty, and humbly keep seeking the Spirit’s empowering to take us beyond our failings. A woman I’ll call Eve contacted me, desperate to be able to please her husband. She had suffered child sex abuse and had been married for more than ten years. She wrote: You said sex in marriage is a good thing. How can it be so good if it makes me feel so bad? I have never seen sex as lovemaking. It has always been a burden and continually gets worse. I stay up as late as I can, then try to sneak into bed, but that doesn’t work and I find myself having to do my duty, so he won’t get angry with me, so he will speak to me the next day. Each time we “make love” it takes part of me away. I feel totally disgusting, worthless, just plain gross. Each time I fight back the tears until it is finally over – all the time knowing it will happen again and wondering if I can survive another encounter. I don’t want to be this way!! I don’t want to lose my husband. It is a continual nightmare that I cannot wake up from. My heart aches for understanding and release from my torture. My husband likes for me to drink because it used to make me want him. A few times when I was drunk out of my head, I experienced sexual pleasure. That doesn’t even help anymore. I don’t even like drinking. My husband feels he has a right to my body to fulfill his desires and that it is me that is not normal. He says, “Just do it and act like you enjoy it,” and if I can’t enjoy it, he gets mad at me. This man, whom I’ll call Greg, is in league with Eve’s childhood abuser. No doubt the first abuser used all sorts of cruel ways to batter Eve into subjection, making her feel helpless and unable to resist. Exploiting this, Greg took over where her childhood abuser left off. He uses withdrawal of love (refusal to even speak with her) and anger (thus setting off fear, guilt, feelings of inferiority – all the things the former abuser had instilled) to force her into something she is currently unable to do without suffering psychological damage. No wonder that, rather than lessening over time, Eve’s horror of sex was increasing. Such a man is not only a disgrace to Christ, he is a disgrace to manhood. It is no thanks to him that he has not created an alcoholic. Eve was a prime candidate for alcoholism, since alcohol had the effect of temporarily numbing her enormous pain. The Wife’s Responsibility A husband’s duty to sacrifice his life for his wife does not mean the wife should be content to continue to avoid fulfilling her husband’s desires. All marrieds should long for the removal of any obstacles preventing them from giving themselves to their partners. It might take months or years to achieve, but a wife’s goal should be both to thoroughly enjoy marital relations and to satisfy her husband’s every desire. Setting this goal is her responsibility. Achieving it is primarily God’s task, with much responsibility resting upon her husband’s gentleness, self-control and patience. She should be patient with herself and not unwisely hinder her healing – and so ultimately prolong her husband’s distress – by forcing herself to do things for her husband before she is sufficiently healed. The husband’s goal must also be mutual enjoyment, with a particular emphasis upon seeking his wife’s pleasure, ensuring she feels loved, cherished and secure, and seeking the Lord for the grace and wisdom to do all he can to hasten, rather than hinder, her healing. He should focus on delighting in what his wife is presently able to give him, and do his utmost to keep his mind completely off what he is currently missing out on. He should avoid not just physical force but putting any emotional pressure on his wife. Search for the Eternal A time when some women find intercourse painful and/or humiliating is during their menstrual period. I think it significant that under Old Testament law, intercourse was strictly forbidden during a woman’s period – a time when women were ceremonially unclean. Such behavior was forbidden and the penalty for deliberately doing it was severe (Leviticus 20:18). If nothing else, this teaches that even within the confines of marriage, our passions must be subjected to God’s rule. Some Christians believe that a total prohibition on this behavior has, like the whole system of ceremonial uncleanness, been superseded by the New Covenant. I have no comment. My sole concern is to go beyond the specific details of an Old Covenant law to a general principle of indisputable relevance to modern Christians. It seems that by placing limits on marital relations, the Lord was laying down a principle which can be summarized thus: there are times in any woman’s life when God would strongly disapprove of her husband having full marital relations with her. The indisputable occasions when this applies are those when it would cause the wife such distress that for her husband to force himself upon her would be a blatant violation of not some passing law but an eternal principle built into the very nature of God himself – the law of love. Names have been changed.

The following is from someone who has written to me and kindly allowed me to share her story: Twenty-eight years ago I had an abortion. I was on drugs at the time and heavy circumstances convinced me to abort my baby. Six months later, I gave my heart to the Lord and the abortion was one of the things in my heart that I felt regret and hurt for. I asked God’s forgiveness and I knew that he forgave me. I forgave myself and I thought I had let it go. I just tucked it away somewhere inside and thought from time to time about how old she (God had revealed it was a girl) would be but the feeling of being her mother never really occurred to me and I just saw her as an aborted baby with Jesus. Yesterday, a friend and I were talking about where the President stood on abortion and she told me of a woman who believed that abortion was murder and had kept her baby. For some reason, the word murder hit me strongly. I cringed. Then I opened up and confessed that I had had an abortion because I had been using drugs heavily and felt I couldn’t take the chance of severely damaging the baby. As I was saying this to her, a small burst of hurt surfaced. Surprised, I quickly told her I was okay as I was sure God healed me. I had been going through a time where I couldn’t feel God’s presence and I wondered if there was a deeper work God wanted to do in me. Today, I called another friend to pray for me for a breakthrough and I told her it may have to do with me having an abortion so long ago. I told her of God helping me at that time but maybe there was more. We just talked a bit and I was tearful. Then she asked me a question that really stunned me. Had I ever named the baby? I did not know what to say because that baby was a stranger to me. I guess I never thought of her as my child, as I aborted her and she went right to Jesus. I had never even told two of my three other kids about her and somehow that child didn’t seem like mine. Upon being asked that question it became a reality for the first time that she was my baby and was therefore a loss to our family because she would have been a real part of our family had she lived. I was upset with myself for having separated myself from being a mother to her. I cried when my friend told me about her own miscarriage and how as part of her grieving she actually wrote a letter to her child. I was deeply touched and for the first time I realized that my aborted baby was at one time a part of me and she was a loss to me. She was a sister to my three other children and two of them didn’t even know about her. It became very personal for the first time and as we talked more, a name just popped into my mind that I believe the Lord gave me. Her name started with the same letter as all three of my other children starts with. I am still working through this and I wrote a letter, then read it out loud, telling her why I had aborted her and that I was very sorry and that I have missed seeing her grow up. I said some more and told her I gave her a name today. It was all said as if I were talking to her and releasing it at the same time. I feel love for her and a loss at the same time and she is very real to me, not just an aborted baby of twenty-eight years ago. I felt like I had to share this with you. Maybe it could be used for other women who have detached themselves from the aborted baby but still haven’t grieved the loss. God is merciful and he heals. A couple of days later, this woman e-mailed with an update: I have an extra blessing of confirmation that the Lord gave me after I wrote to you. When my friend asked if I had given my baby a name she also told me the true story of a four-year-old boy who died, had several experiences in heaven and lived again. After his recovery, he mentioned meeting his sister in heaven. His parents were puzzled until they remembered their miscarriage. He said his sister was waiting for them to give her a name. That deeply touched my heart. Now for the awesome confirmation: Three months ago another friend gave me a book. I wanted to read it right away with my fourteen-year-old daughter but we had never even opened the cover. The very evening that I shared my story with you – the same day that I had named my baby – I started reading the book with my daughter. To my amazement, it was the very book from which my friend had gained her information about the little boy who said his miscarried sister was waiting to be named. I had been so wanting to read the book as soon I had received it but God had his perfect timing. What are the chances that I would open that book and read about naming the baby on the very day my friend had mentioned it and I gave my baby a name? Wow! I just wept. Footnote: As demonstrated by their views about abortion and euthanasia, Christians regard human life as sacred. In contrast to secular society, they don’t see people as the result of an accident in a primeval swamp, or the meaningless product of human lust. They see the lowliest of us as bearing the image of God himself; made by him and the focus of his love. They believe God values us so highly that he wants to enjoy us for all eternity, and that he has spared nothing to make this possible. © 2012, Grantley Morris . May be freely copied in whole or in part provided : it is not altered; this entire paragraph is included; readers are not charged and it is not used in a webpage. Many more compassionate, inspiring, sometimes hilarious writings available free online at www.netburst.net  Freely you have received, freely give. For use outside these limits, consult the author.

The Unexpected Reason for God Seeming Distant   The Dark Side of My Life   By Helen Hall      Suddenly there was a brick wall in my spiritual life and I had to find out why.   I had been a Christian for over thirty years when, without warning, the inexplicable hit my spiritual life. It was as though God was never home when I called, his door was slammed shut in my face and even his phone was off the hook. I was bewildered, frustrated and alarmed. God, my best friend, was refusing to talk to me. Why?   Knowing that Psalms 66:18 says, ‘If I had cherished sin in my heart, the Lord would not have listened,’ I searched my heart and conscience. I could find nothing that would cause the Lord to give me the silent treatment. God seemed totally disinterested in me, and he wouldn’t even tell me why! I kept begging him to tell me what had gone wrong. Finally, I felt that the Lord put it into my mind to discuss it with Mark, an elder in my church.   I sought out Mark. We chatted for about an hour, but nothing seemed to click. As he closed in prayer he said, ‘Lord, if any of Helen’s difficulty is caused by contact she has had with the occult, please show her.’   A light immediately switched on in my soul!   Yes, I had had such contact. Indeed, I had always been fascinated by the occult – that mysterious supernatural world, where people have strange powers, and can influence the lives of others; the realm of fortune-telling and séances, the paranormal, and – as Mark so clearly pointed out – the realm of Satan and his henchmen. I was stunned. Until that moment, I had had no idea that even the ‘white,’ ‘good’ side of the occult was evil.   I have often heard it said that ‘Ignorance is bliss (perfect happiness).’ But life itself teaches us that statement isn’t true. It is not bliss to be unaware that you have a large debt. It is not bliss to be unaware that you have a mental illness. It is not bliss to be unaware that you have cancer that can only be cured if treated soon. And it is definitely not bliss to be unaware that buried deep inside you is something that could put you in grave spiritual danger.   Mark helped me see that the occult aspects of my life had opened a door through which unclean spirits could reach me. I needed to slam shut that door by specifically asking God’s forgiveness and cleansing from this defilement and making it abundantly clear to the entire spirit realm that anything to do with the occult was now off-limits to me.   Mark instructed me to go home, and ask the Holy Spirit to show me every incident in my life, whether deliberate or not, where the occult had been involved. Once I had written down everything that came to mind, I was to confess each item as sin. This, after Mark’s explanation, I could understand. What puzzled, and rather annoyed me, however, was him saying I should include in my list of sins all involvement in the occult by my parents and grandparents. Why should I confess as  my  sin things others had done?   Mark helped me understand by reminding me of something I couldn’t deny: in the physical realm we can inherit from our ancestors a susceptibility to a heart condition, cancer, and so on. Likewise, in the spiritual realm, he explained, we can inherit a susceptibility to demonic influence if our ancestors invited demonic activity into their lives and families by their involvement in the occult.   As Mark bluntly put it: ‘Suppose you are visiting a Head of State. As you approach the main entrance, you accidentally step in doggie dung. Are you going to leave that stuff on your shoes because you weren’t responsible for it being there? You are not to blame for the filth getting on you. Nevertheless, you should be held accountable for not doing what you could to remove it. Likewise, it is wrong to dishonor the Holy Lord by coming into his presence dirtied by the activities of unclean spirits, no matter how that soiling came about.’   The Bible is filled with the teaching that, until we do what we can to remove the contamination, God can hold us accountable not only for our own sins but for the sins of others. For example, when God brought down the walls of Jericho, the Lord instructed the Israelites to take nothing from the city but to destroy everything. It seemed a senseless waste, but it was God’s command. Just one man – Achan – secretly disobeyed by hiding a few small items in his tent. With the possible exception of his immediate family, no one knew of his sin. Nevertheless, the Lord removed his blessing from the entire nation, as if they had all sinned. Stunned and perplexed, they sought God as to why he was acting as if he were not with them. He revealed to them the sin they had had no personal involvement in it. They then took action, destroyed the hidden items that God had forbidden them to keep, and again enjoyed God’s blessing (Joshua 7).   Confessing someone else’s sins was a totally new concept to me, but Mark showed me that it is thoroughly scriptural.   Nehemiah 9:2  Then those of Israelite descent separated themselves from all foreigners, and stood and confessed their sins and the iniquities of their ancestors. (NRSV)   Daniel 9:8,16  Then those of Israelite descent separated themselves from all foreigners, and stood and confessed their sins and the iniquities of their ancestors. . .  because of our sins and the iniquities of our ancestors, Jerusalem and your people have become a disgrace among all our neighbors. (NRSV)   I was particularly moved that Daniel had prayed like this, since I know of  no  specific sin in Daniel’s own life.   And so I learnt that not just my sins, but the wrongful deeds of my ancestors needed to be renounced.   ‘Renounce’ is a word that is not used very often these days. It means to announce your determination to have absolutely nothing to do with something you were previously associated with. You regret ever becoming involved in it and completely turn your back on it; refusing not only the unpleasant consequences, but any supposed benefits.   I drew up my list of involvement with the occult and was astonished at its length. Your list might have just one, seemingly insignificant item, but it could still affect your spiritual life.   On my mother’s side:   *  Her father was a very active Freemason   *  She consulted fortune-tellers and used to take me with her   *  Her favorite book was a non-fiction account of witches and their activities   *  She belonged to a spiritualist ‘church’ – a group that believes in making contact with the dead. This is explicitly forbidden by God:   Deuteronomy 18:10-12  Let no one be found among you who . . . consults the dead. Anyone who does these things is detestable to the LORD.   On my father’s side:   *  His mother belonged to a spiritualist ‘church’   *  He was an avid reader of books by a popular writer of occult fiction.   *  He was a Freemason.   Many Christians see Freemasonry as just a fraternal organization, doing good works in the community. This is not the whole story, however. By such things as invoking curses on themselves if they break their Freemasonry vows, Freemasons try to contact the supernatural without going through Jesus, and this is always spiritually dangerous and offensive to God.   Having dealt with what I had inherited from my parents, I then, under the guidance of the Holy Spirit, closely examined my own life.   *  I, too, loved my mother’s book about witches   *  I had become addicted to the same popular writer of occult fiction as my father   *  I had read my ‘stars’   *  I had been willing to be hypnotized – to let someone other than the Holy Spirit take control of my mind   *  I was fascinated by magic. Those who deliberately, knowingly involve themselves in the occult are after two things: knowledge and power. Through the knowledge of the black magic arts, such as spells, divination, they seek to gain power to control the lives of others. All this sounded very exciting to me. I was particularly interested in astral travel, ESP (extra-sensory perception), and telepathy. I would have loved to have psychic powers.   *  I loved the mythology of pagan Greece and Rome. (It was only recently that I realized that some of these legends had elements of bestiality in them – another practice that is detestable to Almighty God.)   *  I had been guilty of divination – the practice of trying to foretell future events by the aid of supernatural powers. In the days before ultrasounds, while awaiting the birth of one of my children, I had put my wedding ring on a string and used it as a pendulum over my abdomen to find out the sex of my unborn baby.   *  I had once owned a fortune-telling game. Having a flair for the dramatic, I was able to convince people that I was a genuine fortune-teller.   *  As a child, I used to listen to a creepy radio story called, ‘The Witch’s Tale’   *  Later in life I had enjoyed horror movies about the occult.   As Mark suggested, I renounced individually each item on my list. I even repented of having enjoyed an unrealistic television series that portrayed witchcraft as fun. You might think me extreme, but I now wanted to have God’s attitude to the supernatural and he does not see witchcraft as innocent fun.   God says about witches (or sorceresses) and witchcraft:   Exodus 22:18  Do not allow a sorceress to live.   Deuteronomy 18:10-11  Let no one be found among you who . . . practices divination [fortune-telling] or . . . engages in witchcraft, or casts spells.   1 Samuel 15:23  For rebellion is as the sin of witchcraft . . .   Galatians 5:19-20  The acts of the sinful nature are obvious: sexual immorality, impurity and debauchery; idolatry and witchcraft . . .   Many Christians might view this old television series as harmless. After all, it had almost no similarity to real witchcraft. Nevertheless, I wanted to leave the spirit world in no doubt that my rejection of the occult was uncompromising. I was determined to leave no little opening where they might worm their way in, tempting me to compromise little by little until it became serious.   I had done everything on my list in ignorance and so God, in his grace, had tolerated them for a time. But in his grace he now showed me how dangerous these things are and how offensive they are to him, so that I could get rid of them, and thus stop stagnating spiritually, and enjoy even closer fellowship with my Lord.   There were also things I had to get rid of, and I knew that meant destroying them, not giving them away or selling them. These items included:   *  My pendant with my ‘star’ sign   *  An occult board game   *  All the fiction books I had about the occult   *  An Encyclopedic set about telepathy, clairvoyance, tarot cards, and so on. This set was beautifully presented, very artistic, on high quality paper, and had cost me a lot of money. Nevertheless, it had to go. And it did - into the incinerator.   Then once again I enjoyed sweet fellowship with my Lord in my everyday life. What a blessed relief!   I now know that if God hadn’t given me the silent treatment I would not have made every effort to find out what was wrong in my life and put it right. And it was only a few months later that I realized how gracious the Lord’s timing had been.   My husband and I went for a cruise to the South Sea Islands. Entertainment on board the ship included classes on Numerology, Clairvoyance, and so on. Had it not been for my new understanding I would have lapped all those up and perhaps brought myself into further bondage. Now I would sooner be infected by SARS than be involved in such things. SARS can’t damage my fellowship with God!   Mark had warned me about the possible danger of buying typical artifacts from pagan countries. Sometimes the masks and idols they sell have been prayed over with prayers offered to evil spirits. They could therefore become a source of spiritual infection. When my husband wanted to buy these artifacts, I asked him not to, but since he wasn’t born again he didn’t understand. As 1 Corinthians 2:14 says:   The man without the Spirit does not accept the things that come from the Spirit of God, for they are foolishness to him, and he cannot understand them, because they are spiritually discerned.   From the moment I knew that my husband had these artifacts in his possession I was able to pray against them, even though I was able to destroy them only after my husband died years later.   There are other things perceived by many people, including Christians, as ‘just fun’, but , are actually occult tools of Satan. See Occult Dangers (below) for a little more on this.   Ephesians 4:30  And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, with whom you were sealed for the day of redemption.   1 Thessalonians 5:19, 22  Do not put out the Spirit’s fire; . . . Avoid every kind of evil.   Dear reader, if there could be openings in your life to ungodly spirits because of contact you (or your ancestors) have had with the occult, please get it sorted out with the Lord now. You have everything to gain. I recommend most strongly the following webpages I wish they had been around when I was having my lean time.   NOTE:  There are other reasons for God seeming distant. For insight into this, please see: When God Seems Far Away