Why Abuse Survivors Attract The Wrong Sort of People

Predators Hunt the Wounded

An abuse survivor e-mailed me saying how she seemed to attract men who want to exploit her. On the other hand, good people seemed to run from her. Tragically, this is the common experience of abuse survivors, whether they be men or women. I had often puzzled as to why this is.

The woman sent me a couple of photos of herself and suddenly I understood. No, she was not dressed to seduce.

The reply I sent her was a little gentler than the following, but here is the essence of what I said:

Your photos, though nice, give the impression that you are sad, shy, lacking in confidence and aching for love. An evil man might look at those photos and think to himself, “I bet her self-esteem is so low that she thinks no decent guy would want her. Her need for love and for a boost in self-esteem seem so great that if I let her think that I could meet these needs, she would be so scared of losing me that she would give me anything I want, no matter how perverted. If I initially treat her tenderly and kindly and flatter her, I’ll have a good chance of turning her into little more than my slave. Then I could treat her however I wish.”

If, on the other hand, a man saw you as happy, confident and relatively content, he’d assume you are quite choosy as to who you relate to and how far you would go. He’d assume you have none of the desperation that pressures some women to compromise their morals to get the love they crave. Anyone with evil intentions would be likely to back off and look for someone who seems more vulnerable.

Not only could this be a factor in men with evil intent being attracted to you, it could cause good men (or good women with a lesbian weakness) to feel tempted to try to get their way with you. Because they are honorable, they are likely to run from you, fearing that if they stayed close to you they might yield to that temptation.

Regardless of how resistant to sexual pressure they really are, people with low self-esteem and who crave love give the impression that they are vulnerable to exploitation and/or seduction. Upon finding such a person, immoral people feel emboldened to test their suspicion that they have found someone they could seduce.

People lacking in self-esteem are likely to mistakenly believe that sex – not their personality – is their only way of winning the love they desperately need. They fall for the horrible lie that their only chance of receiving even an illusion of the love they crave is to yield to sexual advances. This makes them highly vulnerable. So intense is the pressure, that they need far superior self-control than what other people need in order to remain sexually pure. Moreover, abuse survivors are strongly tempted to accept the lie that because they have been mistreated before, they have little purity left to protect.

As if these strong pressures were not enough, abuse survivors find resisting an evil man much harder than other people find it because they have suffered the past horror of having done everything possible to resist and yet still being overpowered. Having suffered situations in which resistance was impossible causes them to lose hope that they could ever successfully prevent anyone from exploiting them. They become convinced that any attempt to resist would be a futile waste of effort. Sexual predators know this, so they are on the look out for abuse survivors.

A tragically large number of abuse survivors have mistakenly thought that perhaps they have low morals or are evil or that God is against them, since that they seem to attract sexual predators. This is most certainly not so. The thought is so obviously incorrect that, theoretically, there should be no need to deny it. Sadly, it needs to be spelled out because sexual offenders are skilled at cruelly manipulating tender consciences, causing their victims to have a mistaken view of themselves. The truth is that abuse survivors tend to attract repeat offenses simply because they are hurting, and sexual predators, like beasts of prey, think the wounded might be an easier target.

If sexual predators imagine they have a chance with you, it means nothing. Simply by refusing their advances, you can prove them wrong.

A woman responded to this webpage with the following e-mail:

I see myself in that article. I see myself as nice, shy, and looking for love, and have recently started a relationship with a man that has given me attention, and constant compliments. The relationship turned sexual and I almost feel that he can have me do anything, even things I would normally say no to. How can I stop this bad relationship and boost my self-esteem? I have tried to end it before and have not had the strength to, and did not want to live without the warmth and “love” he has give to me.

With great concern, I immediately replied:

This is serious. Saying no and afterward giving in is exactly the sort of behavior that can turn a man into a sexual predator. You are training him not to take, “No!” to be no, but to mean, “Try harder and I’ll say yes.” I fear for you. It is vital that you muster the willpower to completely cut off all contact with this man. If that involves changing phone number, email address, etc., then do it. Have not a thing to do with him. It is just too dangerous. Moreover, if you were to marry him you would be condemning both him and yourself to continuous torment because you have not yet healed from your past sexual abuse.

This is too serious to wait until you grow in self-esteem. With regard to that matter, however, see How to Change Your Self-Image

With regard to mustering will-power, please read the below Death Blow to Addiction.

Death Blow to Addiction

You have probably heard of the Greek myth of the Sirens, whose beautiful singing would lure sailors to shipwreck on the rocky coast. Wanting to enjoy the exquisite music without losing his ship and his life, Odysseus, (or Ulysses) blocked the sailors’ ears so they could not hear the enticing sounds and had himself tied to a mast so no matter how crazed he became he could not change the ship's course.

This ancient legend demonstrates the longing of sinful humanity since time immemorial to steal the pleasures of sin without reaping the devastating consequences. Being a myth, Odysseus escaped unharmed. In real life, he’d have kept coming back for more of the captivating music until something went horribly wrong. In reality, we always pay. It’s not if but when. What you sow, you’ll reap, promises Scripture.

Sin’s pleasure is the bait in Satan’s trap. If we agree with the Deceiver that the bait is desirable, he has almost won. Before long we’ll find ourselves circling the bait, savoring the sight and the aroma and wondering if we could gently lick it without setting off the trap. We’ll get away with this for a while and we’ll be more and more enticed by the bait until one day we go just that tiny bit further and suddenly the trap snaps around our neck.

If we love the bait, fearing the trap won’t protect us for long. We must see the bait and the trap – the pleasure and the horrific consequences of sin – as one unit, not as two elements that we can separate. We must view the pleasure with as much disgust as we view the evil consequences. Train yourself never to think of the pleasure without immediately focusing on the ugly, evil trap that is an inseparable part of the pleasure. For instance, whenever an image associated with your past addiction comes to mind, superimpose over the ‘bait’ an image of a giant fishhook poised to rip into your mouth and turn you into a writhing, captive fool. Then on top of both images see Christ on the cross, bloodied and agonizing because of that sin. Then see hell's maggots and flames. The aim is to turn the thought of sin into something distasteful – to see through the illusion to the real horror of the sin.

After pondering the matter carefully, make up your mind that for the entire remainder of your life you don’t want the tiniest speck of sin’s tainted pleasure. Then, when you are certain, tell God this is what you really want.

A friend of mine shares this testimony:

Even after I met the Lord in 1976, I continued to struggle with an addiction. I tried deliverance from evil spirits, inner healing, renunciation, self control, and anything else I could think of, but for 22 years I keeping struggling and losing. Because I continued to repent, ask forgiveness, and try everything I could think of to be set free, our Father in heaven continued to forgive, despite what I deserved.

I had been claiming the crucifying power of the death of Jesus, and the renewing power of the resurrection of Jesus – and I highly recommend this – but still there seemed a missing element. I asked Jesus to show me the key. What follows is the key that set me free, but in the final analysis, the key is to ask Jesus for the keys.

The Lord told me that it was because I didn’t hate my sin. ‘You don’t like it,’ he said, ‘but you don’t hate it.’ So I asked him to give me his hatred for my sin. The next time I fell, the words, ‘I hate this!’ just burst from my lips in a combination of sorrow, anger and hatred. Then the impression came that I needed to renounce the pleasures of sin. Wanting Scripture for that thought, I searched my computer Bible. This is what I found:

Hebrew 11:24 By faith Moses, when he had grown up, refused to be called the son of Pharaoh’s daughter; (25) choosing rather to endure ill-treatment with the people of God, than to enjoy the passing pleasures of sin; (26) considering the reproach of Christ greater riches than the treasures of Egypt; for he was looking to the reward.

[Through faith in God’s eternal reward Moses turned his back on ease and worldly honor, choosing to embrace hardship for the rest of his earthly life rather than ‘enjoy’ things that grieved God.]

2 Corinthians 4:1 Therefore, since we have this ministry, as we received mercy, we do not lose heart, (2) but we have renounced the things hidden because of shame . . .

So I said, ‘Lord, please show me how to apply these verses to my life.’

He gave me the understanding that the pleasures of sin are the worms on the hook that the devil uses to lure us back into sin and captivity. By renouncing those pleasures, the hook is laid bare, and there is no incentive to bite that bare hook of temptation.

‘To renounce is to relinquish something formally and usually as a matter of principle,’ says the American Heritage Dictionary. As a lawyer I know that if a person renounces an inheritance he is saying, ‘I don’t want this inheritance that is left to me. I hereby relinquish my right to it. Leave it to whomever it goes to as if I were dead.’ Once a person signs his name to this decision there is no turning back. He will suffer that loss for the rest of his life. So to renounce the pleasures of sin I would be saying, ‘I don’t want the pleasures of sin in my life any more. Consider me dead to those pleasures, and let them go to someone who wants that inheritance.’

So I decided to make a solemn commitment to go through life without the slightest whiff of the pleasures that until then had meant so much to me. I make a formal declaration to my Lord, saying, ‘Lord Jesus, I renounce the pleasures of sin. I ask you to remove them completely from my life so that I will no longer do or think those things that grieve you.’

And you know what happened? He did! I was freed from the compulsions that earlier ensnared me. That was seven years ago and I have not fallen back even once.

I am not free to flaunt my freedom, but I am free to choose to please God in every decision. He showed me that in my every decision I make, either the Father will look down and say with approval, ‘That’s My boy!’ or the devil will mock God and say, ‘Is that your boy?’ I never again want God to be mocked because of me!

Not only did this renunciation of sin’s pleasures free me from my addiction, it also transformed other parts of my life which I thought were under control. And it enabled me to move on from constantly battling the same temptation to battling the Lord’s enemies. Once we are free from the pleasures of sin (which last only until condemnation comes), we will be free to enjoy the pleasures which are at the right hand of God (which last forever)! What a deal!

Knowing why the wrong sort of people might try to exploit you can be a relief. There is nothing wrong with you, other than the simple fact that you are hurting. I am sure what you really want to know, however, is how to prevent this attention. It’s easy to say that self-esteem, confidence and feeling loved is the answer, but the difficulty is knowing how to grow in these things. The pages listed in How Much Does God Love Me? Your Personal Revelation of God’s Love will greatly help, but for them to be effective you will need to prayerfully read them over and over again, letting the truth sink deep into your heart.

More:

Why Bad Things Keep Happening To Some People

There’s Hope! A Sane Guide to Finding Hope When There is No Hope

Vital Help For Both Genders

The above is just part of a series of free webpages devoted to the full recovery of survivors of all forms of sexual interference. It is essential that you read Comfort, Understanding and Healing for Abuse Survivors for an overview and links to the other critically important pages.